Danielle's Writings

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Danielle
Posts: 108
Joined: 13 Nov 2011, 23:27

Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 02 Jan 2017, 10:43

Resistance To Getting A Paying Job

I've been working at different organisation as a volunteer for months now. It very enjoyable to work in organisations that I have chosen for myself. The types of organisations that I enjoy working in are around mental health, homelessness, and Youth work. It is where I seem to enjoy myself the most. I want get a position in doing Youth Work in my community. What makes it hard to get a job in this area is not having a qualification as of yet. I was in study but due to a lot of personal problems coming up and other problems that I had to solve... It became difficult to really focus on studies. But, now there is not many problems currently existing in my life.. so I have no excuse to not push myself to complete studies.

In the mean-time I have thought about going for a part-time job. There is a chance with the certificates that I already have & the references from volunteering I could get a general paying job. The option that I have is to either continue volunteering and up the volunteering to 3 - 4 organisations in the areas that I enjoy working or get a paying job in places that I do not really want to work. That is really the difference. The benefit of volunteering in my community is that I already have good rapport with the individuals who I assist/support and I work well with my team members. It helps in the long-run for what I want to do in my life. If I were to up the volunteering to go into other organisations, it would be building up a stronger rapport and an image for me in my community because the specific organisations that I am going for are the one's that most of the clients go to, and it would mean that I still have that position with them to assist/support them even in a different organisation. For me the volunteering is really about helping others, building my position in the community, and of course helping me have access into these organisation & what the world is like. It also helps with future goals as I want to create my own organisation around mental health & other stuff. So, the benefits of volunteering are more than what a paying job could bring me in my life.

On the hand, with a paying job I am likely to have money coming in much faster then remaining on student allowance. The student allowance is not bad, and can be used for a variety of things if I budget & cut down on stuff. It does come in at a much slower rate then I would like it to.

The other reasons to me wanting a paying job is to when my lease is up where i live now, I would like to have enough to afford my own place. Where I am is not bad, and the people I live with are not bad. I find that I can work with what comes up within me, and find strategies to change all that. But with my studies with Desteni, and having to purchase books to help me with learning... Right now, I do require/need more money.... So I cannot be resistant to getting a job or leaving things the way they are. I do enjoy where I work volunteering but unfortunately -- I do have to provide for myself, the money will help me with my organisation, help my studies, and desteni studies. So, having extra money will be beneficial for me & I can still volunteer until I find a


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be resistant to getting a paying job

I forgive myself that I have accepted adna llowed myself to see/realize/understand that the money I receive for benefits is not enough to buy what I want to buy and do what I want to do.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that getting a paying job will help me more in the long-run

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I can't keep myself on an income that is only mean't for the basics when I have so many goals that I want to achieve.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that a general part-time job would possibiliy allow for me to continue with volunteer work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I need money to help myself change where I am at right now.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand the benefits of having extra money for my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel down about having to let go of volunteer work if I get a paying job.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand if I finish my studies & gain the certificate there is more chance that I can work in a position that I want to work in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed about having to get a paying job.

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to feel upset about having to say goodbye to my team members if I do get a paying job.

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Danielle
Posts: 108
Joined: 13 Nov 2011, 23:27

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 10 Jan 2017, 05:41

DAY 7: Keep It Simple

What I am noticing about myself is I tend to be making commitments that I am not keeping. Here is where I've got to keep it simple. If we want to change it is best to start on the simple stuff and take it from there. I have a tendency to go for the big points, make commitments, and then not stick to them. That isn't sticking to change. So, from here on and in blogs to come I my aim is to focus on stuff that I know I can change on.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I must keep it simple, start basic, and take it step-by-step with simple stuff that I want to change about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to go for the big points when I must start on the basic points first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget about practically when it comes to changing a point about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed by everything that I must change about myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that it is going to take to change on points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to experience stress about what I have to change about myself & how long it is going to take.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have to take it easy when it comes to changing myself on points.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that a point will come up again so there will be plenty of time to change it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make commitments to myself that I know I cannot keep.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the only way to make process effective is if I keep it simple and focus on what I can change about myself.

When and as I see myself experiencing stress about all the stuff I have to change about myself - I stop and I breathe - I realize that it is going to take time for me to change, the point will come up again, and I can get to changing each point in time. No need to stress.

I commit myself to keep it simple.

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Danielle
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Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 11 Jan 2017, 12:48

DAY 49: Desteni Tools Come First

I am noticing how important it is to make the tools become a part of my everyday life. The tools have to be at the forefront of everything I do. That is breathing, apply SFS on thoughts, and being aware of my body. Putting the tools first is necessary.

It is necessary to apply forgiveness for every thought that comes up within me. I have been doing this for a few days now. I did do this before but not as much as I do now. It helps me to breath with more ease and keep me from following thoughts. That is why it is necessary for me.

Taking responsibility for every thought helps me to be less overwhelmed by my thoughts. I am very reactive towards my mind at times. But when I forgive the thought straight away, and I know that it is a thought that I can take responsibility of it I am less reactive & more settled. I don't go off following the thought which creates more consequence for myself. By putting the tools first helps me a great deal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not realized that it is necessary for me to apply the tools in everything I do to help stop participation in the Mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been less dedicated to using the tools in everything I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that the tools have so many benefits to them.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to use the tools more effecitvely.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that there is multiple benefits to placing the tools at the forefront of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that the tools are the core of the whole process

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that to be effective in process I am to have the tools be at the forefront.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that the more I use the tools in everything I do, the more it will become habitual for me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that using the tools is very healthy for my body/life.

I commit myself to place the tools at the forefront of everything I do.

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Danielle
Posts: 108
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Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 22 Feb 2017, 09:47

DAY 70: Wanting To Be Liked By Everybody


I woke up yesterday at 6:30 for TAFE. I prepared ... as you do... I didn't know whether to wait at the University for the cafe open to exchange money for the bus or to walk to the Shopping Centre. I went with the shopping centre as I wanted to purchase my lunch and save money. It takes about 15 minutes to walk there.

I like the walk to the shopping centre. It is a park that has a long stretch of walk-way. It leads all along the water flow which has different species of birds. The part I walk through has several bat families. I call it Bat-bush because it is about 40 or more trees grouped together and all the bats live in the trees. Underneath the trees they used is the historical park.

The park has walk-ways to lead out of the ''bat-bush''. I walk through there having to watch where I step because bat feces fall down, and if I step on it, it gets stuck on my shoes. It is a rush when you have to go through there. lol. It is a unique place because usually you see bats in caves, but here they are in the trees fanning themselves in 38-degree heat. When I walk in there I am concerned when I see a dead one as I don't want this area to be harmed in any way.

Once I rushed out of there I went didn't have far to walk. Making to the shopping centre I noticed the timetable was at a later time. I got a coffee, and I waited for a little second. I needed to get money out of my bank for the bus. With the shopping centre not open yet and the cash machine inside the store, I'd have to wait for 8 a.m.. I believed that but I spotted a cash machine over the other side and was grateful for that. I went to wait at the busstop.

I arrived at TAFE. I was glad to see everyone as usual. It is nice to be with people. The many different faces, what we are doing, and I've started to value that more. The people you come into contact with as a group, and working on the same outcome/goal, but within that group, we are all individual and learn in different ways. Lol. It's all the mind. The difference is all the mind. Only the mind can have different stages, levels, and what not. So, it is working with someone's mind and how it functions.

I sit in the 3rd row with my group of friends. I used to look down on my group. I find myself a very mature person at times and I do like to reach different levels of conversations with other individuals. When I can not reach certain vocabulary levels with individuals, I find it is hard for me, and become less interested because I want to reach different levels. I've come to see that we shouldn't look down on people, and assist/support more. Common sense did stand in the way, and I'm glad it did. Because, my friends are starting to be less shy, and more confident in class. I like this little group that we have. I see more of a willingness for us to express ourselves more and do well. I guess I should have said this, in the group with have little groups, and I am happy that my little group is stepping out of our comfort-zones. I like it. One speaks up, and we all speak up.

I don't just stay with my little group. I like to branch out to other people in the in our class. Some people I see sit alone. I like to go over and invite myself to just sit there fore a while. I make conversation about stuff related to the course, and it is interesting what you find out about people by doing that. Once you ask a question more stuff comes out, and a story is intertwined with another story, so it is dot-points of someone's life that you get to see, and then coming to the point as the answer to the question eventually. I don't mind this, the question in the first place is usually to just get people talking and have a moment of interaction. I call it, getting to know people, and checking in with them. Some people I don't indulge too much into. In case I give them the wrong idea and think I am trying to have a partnership with them. lol. I trust myself in those moments to know when to keep going and/or when it is time to end the conversation. Small dozes depending on the person.

Yes, I like to observe, but I don't do this in a creepish way. It can be easy to come familiar with the environment that you're in, and what people give off to you in their words, behaviour etc.. It's all pretty basic when you start seeing it for yourself.

In class, I like to show the teacher my full attention. If the class starts going off into their little chat conversations which muffles over the sound of the teacher's voice, I remain focused on the teacher, and want to be a .... stable point... for her. I can tell at times she is stressed, and no wonder... she has all this stuff going on in her life, and it comes out at times. Even if she is an aware of it or not. IT is best to just stand as a stable support for her when I recognise this or shush my group so she does not have to force herself to be louder. My teacher is not an old lady, but years of work can put a strain on people.

In class, I enjoy taking notes. I do soak up everything. I wondered where all this information is going. Swirling about in my mind. There is no many different aspects of this course that we're learning about and assignments with have to do. The teachers are having to troubles with ordering the books so they're very lenient when it comes to assignments. We are told we can take as much time as we need. It is super nice. Wish University was like this, lol.

We got to watch a video of how it is working in the dementia wards in nursing homes. I was really surprised about all the skill sets that would be needed/required in that type of environment. Well, the minor detail was magnified to me. The skills sets are really cool, and I find the whole process of dementia --- and the relationship to the mind --- fascinating. What I was seeing is the potential benefits of what I'd be learning in that environment. The who I'll need to be.

After watching it we were asked a question. ''What did we think about it?''.... Some people found it all sad because they felt sorry for the people in that position and reminded them of their family member who had experienced dementia. For me, it made me extremely motivated to get out into that environment, to work in it, and start getting those skills, --- developing myself --- learning to work within it, how I could better it, and where I could assist/support. Once I go into an environment, I know I have the power to better it/change it for best for all -- through who I am, and the required efforts -- even in the smallest of details.I also saw the benefits of my future career goals.

It came time for class to end. A few of my friends decided that we'd have a study group after class. What we did is leave it too late to do this. So, we all dediced on a different day. My friend had to ask the teacher something so I said I'd wait. I walked out of the door and turned around to find myself staying there watching people come out. At that point I started saying ''see you', ''have a good afternoon'', and eventually remembering everyone's names. I think I got to say have a good afternoon or see you to everyone. lol. It was enjoyable, and I was really getting into the grove of it. Using different movements depending on who the person is. Lol, it is funny because, last week, there was a day where everything just fell into place and I actually found myself in positions where I was able to say good morning to each person. It was really enjoyable too. All of which is not always intended, it is just the moment. But, once I do notice it, I'll keep doing it, until I've said it to everyone.--- Though it has to be the time and place ... Not forced. .. I don't want all the starting point to just deliberately go about saying good morning to people to be liked by everyone in the class..

In the moments of saying have a good afternoon, see you, I found myself thinking that I am going to be the most like person in the class, and a positive energetic feel and a feel of a challenge. I considered it for a moment and I didn't want to be the most like person in the class. I did not want to put all the effort in to make sure people like me. I am genuinely a likeable person .. so everything for me has to be natural unless I am near the moment for it to be lived, and it is in that moment said or expressed. All depending on the environment. In many cases, it is for myself too. I like to push myself over fears and to express myself when I want to. Nothing needs to be forced or become a challenge. If I 'make it a goal' to be the most liked, it is then making everything challenging and complex. It is not really flowing naturally, or freestyling and winging it. lol. It's all forced. It would be pretty superficial too. Because the starting point would be to ''want someone to like me''... Creating more complications for myself if the desired outcome doesn't come to play. If the starting point is not from genuinity of being oneself/myself then it is not going to work. Yeah, as Sunette's vidoe said, ''Starting a relationship that way will not work''. Let all be natural, and be oneself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot reach different vocabulary levels with my friends

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look down on my little group of friends

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the words I choose do not depend on the other person's vocabulary set

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my little group of friends are not going to be able to understand me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'd be a traitor if I went to speak with other little groups.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am inferior/superior to my little group of friends when we're all on different levels depending on the mind and how it works.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I can reach different levels with people depending on who I a with them, as most vocabulary is accessed in good time, and without force.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be the most liked person in the class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to make it a goal and challenge for me to be the most likeable person in the class.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the like of myself must come first before the like of another towards me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that being myself will help me to be satisfied with myself, as I am the one that has to live with myself for the rest of my life and not others.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I do not need to force situation to happen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand by questioning the starting points of my actions, I can make sure they're pure, and not forced.

I forgive myself that I haven't accpted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I can be there for assistance/support with my little group of friends if they need/require help, and iif I have the time to do so.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/undrestand that having interactions with people outside of my little group, is beneficial for my own growth, and understanding.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that observing my environment, as I am walking about, in a non-creepy way, will assist/support me to get to know my environment and other people.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that having a balance of the study and the social is very important for success in the purpose of being linked in to the course.

I commit myself to have an equal balance of learning and socialising at tafe

I commit myself to trust myself in my choice of words, actions and deeds.

I commit myself to, during lunch time, have conversations with individuals outside of my little group.

I commit myself to remain focused on finding a job which is the desired of this courrse.

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Danielle
Posts: 108
Joined: 13 Nov 2011, 23:27

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 24 Feb 2017, 12:20

DAY 73: Let Wounds Heal

There were events/situations that happened in the past that I haven't been able to let go of. At one point during my day there would be a memory of those event/situations that would come up. Once that comes up, I go into reaction, and then I go back into the whole event/situations. What was said, what was done, and then I end up suppressing it all. I like to look at this as opening old wounds.

I never leave the wound to heal. I rip it back open, and I go through it continuing pain, and all the emotions that flow with it -- I make it bigger, worser, and harder for it/me to heal. It is best to let our wounds heal by not ripping them open and participating in the pain, trauma, shock, and any other emotion that comes up to the events/situations. With the breathe, and some time, the wounds will heal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rip open my wounds by going through the events/situations that happened in the past -- that caused a lot of consequencees in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to make it worser, and harder for me to be here, and work with my life.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that wounds can only heal when we stop participating in the reactions to that which arise within our minds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go back into these memories to feel the same helpless, tramatic, and painful experiences that I had felt in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I am not helpless in changing and working with my life.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that nothing is too big to let go of.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that a big wound heals in time.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that life is resilent and can heal within time.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand it is time to move on and heal from these events/situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to these memories to distract me from living my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted anda llowed myself to let these memories, past experiences define me every single day of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as a victimi every single day of my life by repeating the same memories that had so much impact on my life.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I can choose to not be a victim of past experiences.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that people heal with time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hopeless and helpless to have been able to change this about myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that change is possible even if it seems impossible.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that to move on, is to let go, and let heal.

When and as I see myself opening up old wounds of specific events/situations - I stop and i breathe - I realise that not participating in ripping the wound open, will help for it too heal and for me to move on from it, and live life.

I commit myself to let these wounds heal.

I commit myself to not participate in these specific events/situations that happened in the past.

I commit myself to allow myself to heal.

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Danielle
Posts: 108
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Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 27 Feb 2017, 11:32

DAY 74: Impulses, wants/desires and relationships

Today I planned the whole day for the completion of my assignment that is due next week. I did need to take breaks so that was all included. I'll give myself 3 hours of studies, half hour of exercise, and a little bit of 'do whatever I want time' then repeat. If I don't have the structure nothing gets done. Anyways, in the 'do whatever I like time', I went to see how people were doing (tiniest bit of socialising). The way I do this is the use of social media sites.

I entered on one person's page whom I have care for. I noticed that their status is changed to single. At that point, I felt a little concerned of what has happened to cause the possible break-up in this person 's life. It slowly moved into worry, then hope that the person is not experiencing any emotional shit that harms the body, and went into assessing the various patterns that I've seen this person live out in the past. One of the patterns that I've seen is to after leaving a relationship, go through all the emotions, and then jump straight into another relationship with someone. For me, it was always hard seeing this person go through the same continuous pattern. I am a sensitive person to seeing girls having to go through shitty relationship problems. I really do not enjoy it and have on occasions, had to be there for them while they're in emotional states. I found myself a little intolerant at times because from where I stood, I could see the specific consequence and problems that would eventually lead to the relationship ending. All a result of who both are within the relationship. Because if we honestly look at it, people who go into a relationship have to be aware that it is not all sunshine and roses. It is not. If people want an effective and stable relationship --- one needs/requires to work with the tools of desteni. Maybe you do see people who not in desteni with ok and stable relationships, but not to the utmost that it could be. -- So, what I look at when I see this person is, they're going to continuously go through the same pattern with people because what they're looking for can only really be found in themselves if they decided to investigate desteni.

At that point, the want to change wipe out the whole entire pattern for the person came in. I considered, ok, this person is now single... I'll move on in. I've got my Desteni tools... Let's go.... I've also seen that I can see way more into myself, and the person so why not. But, I had to stop myself there because it is all self-interest. By me 'moving on in' is simply continuing the pattern/cycle that the person is in. It would be putting my own wants/desires over what the person really needs, and what I need, is to first build the relationship with oneself. It is far greater that way as it gives one the time to really find out who they are and what they want for themselves without acting out on impulses or wanting to save. This person needs time for themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worried about this person going through another break-up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the person as being irresponsible for continuing the pattern that they cannot see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that the person isn't going through any emotional experiences about the break-up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge Person A for being emotional about her break-ups.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed about Person A not signing up to desteni when I had given the website.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within my own emotional experiences when seeing girls in an emotional state due to break-ups.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto information that could assist/support people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to save Person A from their pattern by going into a relationship with

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the only one to break this pattern is Person A themself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that Person A needs time for themselves to break the cycle/pattern.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be intolerant of girls who are experiencing emotional stuff in front of me as a result of their break-ups.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that having a stable and effective relationship with another all depends on the relationship that you have with yourself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that it is best to have a relationship with oneself first before jumping into a relationship with another.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that to have an effective and stable relationship is to work with the desteni tools and apply them.

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Danielle
Posts: 108
Joined: 13 Nov 2011, 23:27

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 02 Mar 2017, 11:39

DAY 75: Group Hierarchy and Change

Today was an interesting day. I woke up tired as I didn't get much sleep last night. My morning thoughts were to skip class and go back to sleep. Yeah, I still haven't got the breathing right at the moment of waking up down yet. So easier to slip, and fall back into thinking about everything that needs to be done for the day. I managed to force myself up. I can't afford to miss class. It is where I learn and reminds me of how much I've got to do, lol.

I've noticed some slight differences in myself when it comes to class. I am not as eager as I was once was to see all my classmates. I've come to a point where I know more about them, and I can see that we are all going through challenging times. We are all trying to juggle the responsibilities of family, work, study and on top of that, ourselves.... emotions, mind, and where we stand within it all. I see it in the teachers too. Everybody just has to embrace it all and learn how to manage, lol. That is how I've learned to deal with everything. Embrace it, and sort it all out. Lol.. It's not like it is going to go away.

There are many slight changes that I see in myself. Today, the teacher asked for people to do the bed bathing. I raised my hand at that because I wanted to involve myself in the learning process. Other times, I would be so shy and not want to bother. This time there was no fear whatsoever, and only eagerness to learn. The usual people had put there hands up. I was the only new person who volunteered. Yep, stepping out of the comfort-zone is necessary for one to explore, grow and learn. I ended up having to help out the people who always volunteer. lol. They're interesting people. Always wanting to be funny and laugh. Interesting characters. Towards me they're soft, and very polite. But to each other, they would tease, and mess about. It is funny to see because these are much older ladies. lol. But they have an interesting friendship together. I can see that I'd be able to learn from them. Not sure about the constant teasing though. I like to be taken seriously. I find that. But it just depends on who I am with the lovely ladies. Who I decide to be... My words, and making sure that I don't like them to be liked or to fit in. That will get me no where.

We started with having to get the towels from the cupboards. I didn't know how many towels would be needed but I made myself useful by carrying them. After we got everything we needed we headed for the beds. I ready to help where needed but for the bathing process it only requires two people. I stepped back and let the lovely ladies have a turn. When I watch the demonstrations going on, I learn but to solve the problem of not remembering, I decided to take notes. I was the only person out of 28 - 30 people who had ever done it. lol. It helped me remain in the moment as I was watching, and notice all the detailed movement that is required. Also notes from the teacher. Other people started to grab their notepads, and write notes. lol. It really helped a great deal. Once they finished the lovely ladies wanted a copy of my notes so I decided to do up a word document over the weekend and print it out for everyone. It is very helpful to have the step-by-step notes with the little details there. Also for my friend who missed class today.

It was interesting how, when stepping out of my comfortzone, I was talking more to the people that volunteer everytime. The class does have a hierarchy. lol. Like all groups. It is important to remember that we are all equal on a physical level but what sets us a part is our minds. Who we are as our minds. So, it was interesting how, the small group I had was actually with people who were not as motivated as me, and here I am now talking, and working with the people who are really motivated, aren't afraid to speak up, and are very focused in class. Well, they started to talk to me more, the teacher also talks to these people more than those who sit back and don't step out of their comfort zones. It was very interesting to see because I had more of access into more of myself through communication with them just by being confident, and therefore more opportunity learn about me.

As we all went back to sit down with the rest of the class, I noticed that the small group I had was not interested in learning or listening. They're not as interested in it as me and the other people. It doesn't help for their progression because they only get left behind. We are going out into the work world soon, and we need to vocabulary along with the know-how to work the equipment. It is not ''all commonsense''. I heard them saying that it's all commonsense. Majority of it is, but working with the movements of how to wash someone who is old, fragile, frail, and mighten be able to move independently, it is not all commonsense to know exactly what to do to make sure that you're moving yourself correctly, and doing all the moves that are needed to make ensure the process gets done safetly and comfortable for all involved. I mean, what I've learned here is all commonsense, but without the course I wouldn't have looked at things in this light before. It only made my commonsense stronger and enlarged. Commonsense needs to be constantly enlarged, lol... in my opinion... So, it is important to take the effort to enlarge commonsense in our minds along with vocabulary to enlarge it with. You can never have too much commonsense. I could see that these individuals are going to struggle when they're out their doing the work and will be quite dependent on being told what to do. Whereas, those who are taking it all in, will be more so independent and confident.

The people in my group are very different from me. I've come to notice it with more interaction. There are two individuals that I cannot tolerate. They do make very difficult for me to be in their presence and I've called them out on certain behaviours before. I am seeing no change so I've thought about changing groups. I can see that the class have already established their little groups, and I know it is not too late to change. At that point, I knew what group I wanted to be in, sit with and communicate with. It has been the one group I've had a particular fear of since coming to class. I've been slowly working on pushing past the fear practically.

The group I want in on is a group that I've seen from the get-go show that they've wanted to succeed in this course. They talk about the course a great deal and I find myself wanting to do that. I can see a potential outside school friendship happening too. It is possible. So, it is just moving past fears that I have about approaching them and having a conversation with the people in the group.

The starting point cannot be from '''wanting to get away form the other group''. Because I will talk to them still as I am a person who doesn't just 'throw people away'. I still want the best and will consider all. It is just finding commonality in those around me so that I can learn more about myself. Though not to over endulge in socialising ---- or making it about friendship, just simply getting to know myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking with individuals who are ''up the group hierarchy''.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that changing who I sit with and communicate with more will make me a traitor

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I will still appreciate everyone in the class regardless of who they are

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people i've been sitting with thinking/believing that ''I am better than them''.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that no one is better than/less than as we are all equal on a physical level, and that which is only different, is our body structures, and minds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is too late to change who I sit with because the groups have already settled in who/how the class is.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that change is possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking to the group I have commonalities with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid speaking to this group because of the feelings that come up within me when I am around them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to every time I see this individual, say to myself, ''That person is so attractive'', and not want to walk over to say hello, in case my attraction towards than as the energy comes out, and they spot it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear talking to this individual because they're defined by me, as attractive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the attractive energy, which blinds me, towards this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand if I am looking at another with a sheet of attractive energy, then I am not going to see who/how they really are in their words and behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking to the person just because I find them physical attractive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to keep myself away from this individual so that I do not face or connect to this person through communication.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed to see/realize/understand that I can speak/communicate with an individual who is so out there.

I forgive myself tht i havne't accepted and allowed myself to fear embarrassing myself in front of this person.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself with who/how I will be witht eh individual.

When and as I see myself avoiding this individual by turning the other way - I stop and I breathe - I realize that I can no longer limit myself from learning so much more through interaction and communication with people who have commonalities with me.

When and as I see myself being afraid to speak with this individual - I stop and I breathe - I realize that speaking with this person will help me to overcome any fears and look at them for who they are rather than holding onto then just wanting them to remain face-value for a fix of positive energy.

I commit myself to in small dozes speak with this person.

I commit myself to challenge myself more when it comes to socialising with people who have commonalities.

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Danielle
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Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 04 Mar 2017, 10:33

DAY 76: It's Quest-I-On, Not React-I-On

For the past two days I've been completing assignments The whole process of completing an assignment is pretty simple. You read the question, and then you go off looking for the answer. The answer is either on google or in the textbooks. Very simple.

What makes the process a little bit difficult is my reactions. I have a tendency to react which makes it uncomfortable. I'd react in the process of finding the question or if I don't understand a question fully. My reactions can lead me to feel frustrated, annoyed, cause backchat, and then complain about what I have to do. Some questions may time a longer time and that would make me feel annoyed. If I didn't react in the process of completing an assignment, it would be comfortable for me and I can work through the assignment until complete.

Reacting is not the answer to the assignment questions. Come to think of it... reacting isn't the answer to anything. Reactions are only there to make the experience more uncomfortable and difficult for me. It is not the questions that are difficult.

Answering a question is a physical process.

- I read what is in the word document (the question)
- I look in the book for keywords that relate to the answer (question may take longer to answer)
-Once I find the answer, I put it into my own words, and then I move on to the next question (repeat until completed assignment).

That is pretty much it. All a physical process ---- See with my eyes, type with my fingers, and control computer.

In the process, no reactions are needed to come up. The assignment has to be done, I have time to do them, I am doing them, the questions are cool... now to change me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated when searching for the answer in the book takes longer than what I expect, and want it to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so impatient with myself when I am completing the question and answer process for the assignments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to rush my entire assignment

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the question and answer process is going to take time

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that answers to the questions are not going to always be handed to me on s silver platter --- I will have to go looking for them.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that doing my own research, and investigation to answer a question is helping me in more ways then one.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand the benefits of giving myself time to do research, investigate, and form the answer for myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the purpose of a question is about leading a person on a Quest to find the answers.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that a question is a quest-i-on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated about going on a quest to answer questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist wanting to go on these quests

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that these quests will help me learn something new all the time.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the purpose of the quests is to learn something new.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that every assignment I do will be a quest where I am building a solid foundation to assist/support me for application in the real world.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I am capable of answering the questions

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that what I am learning about is to assist/support me for the work world.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that what I am learning is stuff that I need to know for my own safety and those whom I'll be working with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I can use outside tools to help me learn more in for the questions/quest-i-on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complain about the Questions/quest-i-ons taking too long to answer

When and as I see myself becoming frustrated with a question - I stop and I breathe - I realize that I can use the tools of asking friends, reading textbooks, and research on google for the answers -- All these are a physical process that does require/need effort --- That is all.

When and as I see myself complaing about not finding the answer straight away - I stop and I breathe - I realize that an answer can be found --- I will just need to make use of different tools that I have with me, and be creative to assist/support the quest of learning.

When and as I see myself being annoyed about the time it takes to sum up what I've learned from a question - I stop and I breathe - I realize that it takes time to find and create an answer to a question sometimes so best to be patient with oneself.

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Danielle
Posts: 108
Joined: 13 Nov 2011, 23:27

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 06 Mar 2017, 02:03

DAY 77: Suppressing Is Abdicating Responsibility


Last year I made a rushed decision to move into the share house that I am living in. I did not have any other options because of my circumstances at the time. When I moved into this sharehouse everything was cool. The people who were here at the time were quiet, considered, calm, and kept to themselves. It was comfortable for me and others.

Change has occurred right after a new person moved in. I knew from the get-go that there was going to be problems. I looked over this to only want to focus on the good and the potential of the person. My reaction to this person moving in was ''I need to get out of here''. could be instincts .. not sure. I couldn't leave because of the lease and financial circumstance. So, I had to stay obviously... that is where I flipped everything around and look for the good of the situation.

Ever since the person has moved in, It has been easy for me to see who/how this person is. They have made it very easy for me through their words/actions. I could write a whole diary of the person's triggers, and how they react to things. Along with what they're upset about, what has ticked them off, what in the house ticks them off, and I don't even have to go talk to the person. This person lets me know through their loud words/actions, even if it is not intentional for me to know or necessary for me to know. I live across the hall from the person and despite the walls being there, I hear what is being said and what is going on.

I am a very quiet person. I enjoy being quiet at times. If there were any sounds to come from my room, it would be light soundtrack music, relaxing music, violin music, lectures videos, and/or training videos for my studies. It wouldn't anything else. There wouldn't be any movie sounds because I watch movies without sound. Lol. So, no big issues for me. However, if it was my own house, and I lived alone.. the soundtrack music would be louder. But, with consideration of others, I keep it at a minimum. I expect that in return from the others too.


Behaviour 1

With the person I know much about, it is not given in return. The sounds of them speaking on the phone has somehow come into my room uninvited. It went on for a bit, and I only hoped that they'd realise that it was bothering through some superpower that I somehow think I have.. where people just know if something is bothering me. Even through the walls.. But within that common sense -- be considerate of others. It has happened on more than one occasion.


Behaviour 2

Whilst I am studying, I often hear the individual crying excessively. The person has an outburst about something and starts kicking the wall, wailing, and really other disturbing behaviours. It is not the first time it has occurred. Ever since they moved in... I've to see that it is a pattern of instability within. The first times I went to see if this person was ok, and stabilise this person, and given a great deal of suggestions that would really assist/support but none were taken. So, I just left the person to their own devices because they've not want to help themselves. Quite recently, it happened again, and no one went to the person's aid, despite the wailing getting louder and louder. As this person needs to help themselves.. A bit of tough love. That's what I was taught, lol.

How these behaviours make me feel is a bit of conflict within myself because I want to help but I don't want to create a pattern where this person expects others to come rushing to their side when they behave this way. Same for not wanting this person to self-harm physically, or end up suiciding, and me having a guilty conscious because I didn't rush in to rescue them from their unstable behaviour patterns.

Behaviour 3

Swearing about the household. The household is quite clean. But minor little things tick off the person, and they go into reaction. Swearing. It would set me off into this rage within myself because it's not acceptable behaviour, and the person should be finding a different approach to the situation. I remember sitting there for some tie having to calm myself down about it all, and just hearing the person's voice would really make me irritated, frustrated, and annoyed.

Behaviour 4

Arguing with the partner inside the house. I overhear their relationship problems. Then I hear the crying, the scuffling, and the slamming of doors. I do not like this at all. I come from a childhood of witnessing these cases and it doesn't sit well with me. Makes me concerned. It is very disruptive to me, my living experience, and is lack of consideration for others. It happened again the other night. This time, I was trying to cook my dinner, and I had to hear psychological abuse, and crying. Which makes me uncomfortable.


For the first behaviour I did report it to the landlord. I didn't feel comfortable about the behaviours. I was then seen as someone who is a 'dibber-dobber', 'rat', and was told 'why didn't you just come to me'. What the person revealed in the reaction is the very reason why I didn't go to them in the first place. We eventually had a house meeting, and I brought up about all these points and how it affected me. I did it in a best for all way. even after that, no change has really happened in the behaviours.


I wanted to say something to the person,
I wanted to report the behaviours again... but..

Kept telling myself stuff to keep the peace. I'd tell myself ''I'll be out of here in 4 - 5 months'',''This is the only place this person has as they're with the only person they trust''. The truth is, I most likely won't if I don't find a job in that time. It is likely for me to find a job but my studies only finish in June. I could move elsewhere, but then it's money for bond. With the other, In honesty, I don't think their behaviour is beneficial for their friend either or the household in general.

All in all, I have to look at the interests of what is best for all. The behaviours are not best for the household, or anyone else in it. If a continuance of suppression is occurring then it is not best for me and my health. With my financial situation, I am here for another 4 - 5 months. So, I live here too and do have voice for the house. My well-being.

We shouldn't suppress it as it only allows for behaviours to continue. It doesn't assist/support anyone if we suppress problems/issues that are affecting us. There does need to be a best for all outcome. If we do not do anything about the problems then we become part of the problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like it is my duty of care to rush in to save this person from what they're going through

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I've done my best to assist/support this person -- giving the circumstances, and what my position is for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as though that it would be my fault if this person was to self-harm or commit suicide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'll be a 'dibber-dobber' or 'rat' if I reported the continuance of behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to suppress the problems/issues that I've seen with this person's behaviour and how it is affecting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear approaching this person, again, about their behaviour and the seriousness involved and how it affects me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking up about what I see in this person and their behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that I'll be out of here in 4 - 5 months when that all depends on job opportunities.

I forgive myself tha I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the stuff that bothers me, will just simply go away, without me having to do anything about them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that for solutions to problems/issues actions must be taken.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that suppression is the answer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear reporting the behaviours to the landlord if they continue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the other residence ganging up on me for reporting the behaviours

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that reporting, if necessary, is not a bad thing but a solution if all else has not worked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am going against them by reporting or speaking up about the behaviours

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that taking best for all action about the behaviours is assisting/supporting myself and another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that reporting isn't showing that I care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within frustration when I hear these behaviour occurring around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have raged about the behaviours that this person is displaying

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself f to want/desire to react instead of taking best for all action to sort out the problem/issues

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make me living here uncomfortable, by not speaking up, taking action, and resolving what is going on within myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that we only become part of the problem if we are not doing anything to solve the problems.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that it is not the individual's behaviour that is the biggest problem for me, it is me not speaking up, and/or taking action.. as the solution... for the problem behaviour to cease/stop

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that for abuse to me no more, I have to stand up and change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is nothing that I can do about the experience that I am creating in reaction to my external environment.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take action straight away instead of bottling it in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become my own problem by reacting to my external environment

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I can change my external environment, by changing who I am/how I am within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am powerless to change anything in my direct environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am powerless to change what comes up within me


When and as I see myself reacting in frustration, anger, or annoyance by these behaviours - I stop and I breathe - I realize that reacting to these behaviours is not the solution --- That the only solution would be for me to be/become the solution by considering, and finding ways to do what is best for all. Myself included.

User avatar
Danielle
Posts: 108
Joined: 13 Nov 2011, 23:27

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 07 Mar 2017, 09:31

DAY 78: When in Need, Ask for Assistance and Support

Near the end of my course, I am to do a work placement. Our teacher has notified us of the items we will need for placement. What we will need/require are work shirts, non-slip shoes, black pants, first aid course certificate, and police history check. I was a bit concerned about how I was going to manage paying for these items.

On the income I am on right now, it is only for basics. I had to find another option. The option left was to ask my job service provider to use funding for work clothes and the police history check. I decided to do that this morning. I arrived at the job service provider and asked to speak with the person that manages me. I explained what I needed the funding for and it was a good to go for the assistance. They were not sure about the police history check at first. But, we decided we would go for it.

How to apply for funding for police history check was unknown territory for my case manager. We had to call over someone to assist with the process. They were working together on getting the papers of what I'll need to sign and I felt like I was being a bother by applying for funding. I didn't want to make their job harder for them, or too much trouble for them. I was worried about it, and did want to say ''Hey guys, don't worry about it''... ''It's cool, it's not worth the hassle'', ''I've already got enough funding'', ''I'll pay for the police check myself''. But, as my case manager said, and if it is there, then make use of it. By making use of what I am entitled to, I am assisting/supporting myself, and not keeping myself in hardship. If the assistance/support is there, and I've exhausted all my options, then it I can only assist/support myself by seeking assistance/support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry when I see people having to go the extra mile to assist/support me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am not worth people going the extra mile to assist/support me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am being a bother when asking for assistance/support when I need/require it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not worth the assistance/support

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not worth the funding that I am entitled to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am being too much trouble for people when they're assisting/supporting me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am making people's job harder by asking for assistance/support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not worthy of the assistance/support that I receive from others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have wanted to give up on assisting/supporting myself when I see that other people have to go the extra mile to assist/support me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking for assistance/support when I have exhausted all other options.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am losing my independence if I ask for assistance/support

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to believe that asking for assistance/support is a form of giving up my independence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that asking for assistance/support is a form of weakness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that asking for assistance/support when I need/require it is a form of assisting/supporting myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that we all need/require outside assistance/support at some point in our lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself to be a person who is less than because I am asking for funding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look down on myself for not being able to afford the items myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed about needing/requiring funding to purchase work-related items.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that every citizen deserves a step up to help them further themselves in their lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feel guilty about using the funding, and asking for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to repay the case workers in return for doing a good job when my appreciation and thank you is enough.

When and as I see myself thinking that I am being a bother when assisting/supporting myself - I stop and I breathe - I realize that asking for assistance/support when I have exhausted all options and really need/require it --- does not make me a bother, but a person that is assisting/supporting themselves in this lifetime.

I commit myself to ask for assistance/support when I have exhausted all options, and really need/require it.

I commit myself to take the assistance/support that I am entitled to


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