Adam’s Journey into Life

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Adam Closs
Posts: 442
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 19 Apr 2017, 15:48

Day 381: Collapse of Care, and ‘Not Be Fooled Again!’



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Interesting to explore a memory of a time – that comes up in the presence of the word Care - a time in which I had to clear the table and in some ways start again – even though the physical notebooks from 44 years ago have gone – the practice of writing, back then, has preserved some detailed means of access to the memories of those times: a glimpse into specific details of what my thoughts were like, my relationships to things, and to myself. For me there was a personal historic watershed: a world before and a world after the collapse of Care, where I had created care as a bubble in which to live, and that bubble had popped dramatically: so as I begin to explore these things what comes up here is this memory, that shows to me this clearing-of-the-table process that was necessary for me.

So, closing in here and almost looking through the eyes of a young and twenty me: with a view across the wooden surface of a table - where my elbows rested – a place where I would take stock of things going on inside of me. A sort of home ground in the clear simplicity of a wooden tabletop, or of my notebook, or of the scattering of objects that had accumulated here in the consequence of this day, also at the same time an arrangement of expressions telling tales of how this came to be like this; a gesture in the positioning of a teaspoon, in how it came to rest, a skid mark in that ring of water from a glass, a pencil knocked askew, a knot shaped like an eye in the wood grain, and across the surface of the table a patina of marks of history, telling tales of long ago in blond and amber layers of the summers and the winters.

Here was a place of stability for me, a place in which I could create stability, a breathing space, a place in which there was for me if not an intimacy, then in company with the physical stability. Looking at this now I see how much delighted I was in the obvious definition let’s say, of things, such as in the example in front of me in my sphere of attention, a red plastic lighter: I mean clearly edged, consistent, complete, clearly itself, persistently that lighter. And then in one of these memories, touching it, moving it slightly, adjusting it, or from the shiny ring of water, a shiny trail of finger play, that playing of a question in my mind of how such things could constitute a form of reasoning. How to read the nature of the world directly was like an ongoing question in my mind, I was on the lookout for the language of reality itself.

What I could not see then but can see now is who I was within that question, mystified within the very words that I was living, and in a way in a point of blame towards the words, perceiving them to only somehow reach into this world, or else to be referring to a world unseen, not seeing that it was me who had defined myself within those words in feelings and emotions, that it was me that had invested me as energy into the words that I was living, that in me had accumulated an emotional reality in my perception, that it was through me that my definitions of myself within and as the words, that I did not have a point of application.

Yet while accepting that consequential reality that was premised on my abdication, I sought for ways to articulate it, such as with painting, to somehow feel my way into reasoning of some kind. It’s interesting how I was determined ‘to not be fooled again’, to not accept a false reality, to get to the bottom of things, at this point in my life, not seeing how really at that time, I was fooling me; I was looking through the frame of my own personal reality at a world that seemed across a gulf, separate from me.

Although for me ‘to not be fooled again’ came out of spite reactions, blame towards having things done, and not done unto me, where I had broken off relations – and treated this as such a disaster – I see now something different, that this collapsing bubble was actually supportive to me, and that in some ways I could handle the support; it enabled me to look at fundamental things that I had previously taken for granted, as it set me on an independent process of investigation. And in other ways I could not handle the support: that aspect of being set down on my feet on the outside of this comfort zone, it’s like reality breaks the egg shell open to assist my birth into the world, and I am furious about the damage to my home!




Continuing next post…

Adam Closs
Posts: 442
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 20 Apr 2017, 14:44

Day 382: Stop

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…Continuing here further into the corruptions of Care that I have accepted and allowed to exist within my very definitions of myself in my living of this word within this life, that has consequently shaped my life, that has infiltrated into all the details of my relationships to the world.

So here I continue with another of the ways that I have stood to sabotage this word, more details of this sabotage, wherein deconstructing them I can then deliberately clear and purify this word, because I see and realise that the potentiality of this word to penetrate and infiltrate throughout communication, throughout interaction, throughout relationships of beings… I see for me to really deliberately stand for that, then what I have to do is firstly clear this word for me, in support of me enabling myself to live this word as redefined.

Self forgiveness on the backchats of ‘I don’t care’ and ‘I can’t be bothered’, and replacing them with instead, directly, Stop.

Stop: the new improved directive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have these backchats exist within me: the backchats of ‘I don’t care’ and ‘I can’t be bothered’ in which I have accepted and allowed through my attention onto them a go ahead to me within and as these personality designs that stem from backchats of ‘I don’t care’ and ‘I can’t be bothered’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these personalities to be carriers of my own authority in my life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to habitually seek support from personalities as my own design of manipulated movement of me, rather than simply me directing me to stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conjure up in a way the presence in my mind of these designs, within which I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to be seeking an experience of validation through which in consequence I am accustomed to being stopped, rather than as simply stopping me with the directive Stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchats of ‘I don’t care’ and ‘I can’t be bothered’ to have become engrained into me as tools, in internal conversation, as part of my approach to controlling of the energies that arise within me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anxiety in connection to my own authority within myself.

I forgive myself that in my mind by listening to these backchats of ‘I don’t care’ and ‘I can’t be bothered’ that I am referring to an authority that still is placed within these personalities. I commit myself to deconstruct these personalities that are represented in my mind by the references of the backchats of ‘I don’t care’ and ‘I can’t be bothered’, to deconstruct and to understand and realign these postures that I have lived as me, these relationships to energy that I see and realise are the legacies of the consciousness that I have inherited and lived.

When and as I am in decision making and I become suddenly conflicted, overwhelmed, when that situation comes up where the backchats of ‘I don’t care’ and ‘I can’t be bothered’ come up in me, instead I say Stop, I breathe, I do not accept this backchat prompting, I do not accept this validation of authority that is separate from me, I do not accept this insecurity anxiety as part of who I am within authority itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my own authority into the systems that I have accepted and allowed to operate within me, that I have given my consent to go ahead and act for me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that in this consent what I am preserving in me is that I can continue to not be here with me in this moment, but somewhere dormant in my mind.


I commit myself to be present in my decision making processes. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in listening to the backchats of ‘I don’t care’ and ‘I can’t be bothered’ to be accepting of habitual sabotage in my decision making, in which I have become addicted to that experience of validation through these personalities. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be standing for and as self sabotage in these everyday moments in my life, in which accepting habits such as this I make way once again for procrastination.

Adam Closs
Posts: 442
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 21 Apr 2017, 11:47

Day 383: Care and Matter 3


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…continuing from recent posts… in which I have been looking at how I have defined and lived the word Care, finding an entrance to the word through seeing myself within the back-chat script of ‘I don’t care’, where in an everyday distraction I enact the shrugging off – and the declaration of a definition of myself – as in who I am in ‘I don’t care’ instead of where a simple directive Stop to these distractions would have been effective. It brings the question up of this: Do I really any more need to rouse a personality to cause this stopping in me?


So here a view of a line of back-chat as the seemingly incidental and everyday little moment, like the little peak of an iceberg, while down below, layers and structures of beliefs and self manipulations… Standing back from ‘I don’t care’, I see it’s like a sample of an argument, that in myself that I have accepted and allowed that I need support in the process of moving me, that in needing some kind of a stance, I was accepting and allowing a belief that I could not just simply move myself.


Here, focused on the ‘I don’t care’ backchat moment where I choose to shrug it off, a build up of thoughts and pressures and distractions around making a decision, believing in my mind that by trivializing it, through I don’t care, that I had really in fact made it smaller, or less effective: that according to my judgements it is real that part of me ‘does not matter’ is not worthy to be considered in equality: that is like a frame through which to see one’s own suppressive activities, a manipulation into somehow being ok with: so therefore not to look much closer at it, but instead, moving quickly on, as if walking out of that discussion in the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and be aware of my own insecurity as me as an experience within my own authority, where not seeing that rather than standing and giving myself the space to ask the question of who I am within this, what my purpose is, I have instead allowed myself to rather refer my own authority quickly to the lines of backchat in which I am defined already as a simulation, so that I do not have to face this insecurity inside me, so that I do not have to face myself in seeing that I am insecure within my own authority as me, and therefore need to look into that, or seeing that I am living an assumption of a narrative of who I am, that I know within my self is questionable, where rather than embracing this, I have instead created in my mind a scenario of discussions for me to blame, and within that feel victimized by. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in feelings of righteousness within the trivialization and shrug-off aspects of ‘I don’t care’ that I have accepted and allowed as the declaration of a habitual relationship to parts of me within my mind, and within my body where I have conditioned in my body these reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my own mind as in being as separated from it, as an object of blame. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made and stood within a judgement of manipulation and deception and that within that have not allowed myself to see myself within the acts of self manipulation as well as the manipulation of others in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to see my self deception, my self manipulations. Within that I forgive myself that I have held against my own forgiveness of myself, that I have drawn a veil of judgement across my seeing of these things that I’ve become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of my own self-judgements in seeing how I have designed these aspects of myself, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require this fear relationship for the purposes of self deception. I forgive myself for who I am within this system, standing for and as I don’t care, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within a negative experience in relation to care, like in a gesture to stop the existence of care, as in an act of magic, as in an act of defiance, becoming like this one dimension that cannot be moved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the word Care as being a deceptive word and one that I must protect myself from: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to these perceptions that I accepted and allowed as real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within seeing the word Care as being deceptive, that I am holding Care to blame for the way I feel… therefore seeing that how this came to be, as well as ‘won’t be fooled again’, are both derived from the bubble and the break-down of that, that I lived as care possession, in which I gradually expanded a desire for the experience of care, into a fantasy world of this experience, like in my mind something emotional and spiritual, like an idea in my mind of mother love, that secretly though she could not express it, that secretly she could see who I was, that she liked the way that I was turning into me, so that somewhere in my life even far away there was this point within my mind of support. Although school life and family life were both in reality full of conflict, and becoming more so, I sort of floated along amongst it all, buoyed up with things like, It’ll be ok, and, It’ll all work out, as aspects of this care experience that I imagined to exist.

As it happened, in reality, in a period of a few months, my parents moved away and separated, my father died, the children all dispersed, there was no home, and I was out of school: all of these physical support systems that had previously gone unnoticed in a way, were now together, like the proverbial rug being pulled out from under me. I dared not express the anger that I felt towards my mother, I feared the depth and force of my own rage, in seeing that she could just allow herself to walk away, and not respond to me, while what I accepted and allowed for me was to take this personally and resonate my anger as blame towards the parents, family, home, school and friends and education: It’s all a lie! None of it is real! And towards that word Care: it was a lie, it was not real, and, I won’t be fooled again. I forgive myself within this that I have accepted and allowed myself to be playing games of who’s fooling who within myself within my mind within my life here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live this sentence as a primary relationship towards the world, as being: You do not care about me, therefore as revenge for what you’ve done to me, I will not care about me either, so that I can be an example of the consequence of what you’ve done. Kind of, Take that, slamming the door in my own face. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to destroy my own relationship of care to me as self support for the sake of a feeling of exaltation and righteousness within this spite reaction.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the word Care to blame, and grateful to myself that I have allowed myself to see this point, and I commit myself to release the blame that I have invested into Care. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto so tightly my personal definitions of care so as not to undermine the basis of my blame, and within that to accept and allow that I might be responsible within all of this, in which everything that I have defined myself to be might then possibly not exist. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of stepping down as ego.

Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear of loss as who I am within movement of this stand of blame, and I commit myself to release this fear of loss that I have accepted and allowed to bind me, and I commit myself to release myself from the limitation of this stance, and statue in a way, that I became within reaction to collapse of Care as I had defined it, and as I had defined myself within becoming as an objection to it.

I forgive myself that in standing as an objection to Care and within that defying a principle of life that I have accepted and allowed a level of guilt within myself, a level of judgement on myself that who I am is bad or wrong, that I cannot immediately simply step from ‘I should care’ to actually living it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form this expectation from myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tolerate a guilt in me as me for the sake of holding on to ‘I don’t care’ this definition of who I am within a stance of blame. Therefore I commit myself to let go of this guilt and instead forgive myself that I have made mistakes in my creations, that in releasing of this blame, I recognize my own responsibility and I re-empower myself to change the way things are in how I have defined myself in relation to Care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define care from a starting point of a desire for the experience of care, in which I lived within ‘I cannot give this to myself’, ‘This is something that I need from others.’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within this for me to define care as a feeling, as an energy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to this energy, to not see how in addiction that I am open to manipulation within these points. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within exposing to myself how I’ve become susceptible to manipulation with being enslaved to care, as well as judging me in seeing me also in manipulation of another within simulating care not as an expression of myself but as an idea, as a construct in my mind.



I commit myself to clear these structures that I have placed in Care.

Adam Closs
Posts: 442
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 23 Apr 2017, 16:43

Day 384: The words Care, Obligation, and Sacred


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Here I continue with further Self Forgiveness statements and release of energies within how I have personally lived the word Care: and how early in my life that I have put structures into it, how I have used it in the backchat/self definition of ‘I don’t care’. Here sharing also outlines of a mind construct that I accepted and allowed to exist within me, around this point of Care.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat script of ‘I don’t care’ as a point of self manipulation; and within that, the blame of ‘you don’t care [for me]’, and ‘you should care [for me]’ And then ‘I refuse to care for me as an example of what you’ve done, to make you feel bad.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put this thought into application. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tolerate the consequence of living out this sentence through my life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to speak out with my mother, and I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to mention my expectations, or why I was so angry. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of who I was in front of my mother in my emotions and my expectations. I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to really look at who I was within that shame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to store memories in my mind of an image of my mother. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep such an image in my mind, as an effigy, as a trophy of blame. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this trophy as a source of justification in my mind, in the resonance of I don’t care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in holding on to this blame to have become rigid and disempowered in the presence of the word care in my life, not seeing realizing or understanding how I had made this so. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an illusion in my mind of a stance of retaliation, as an illusion of independence within the intonation of these words ‘I don’t care’ within my mind, as righteousness in which I am declaring also my freedom from the lies deception and manipulations that through victim’s eyes I saw being done to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed righteousness to exist within me, a righteousness that has no reference to physical reality, in which I have defined myself as separate to life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refer to a memory of this righteousness experience in myself with the script of ‘I don’t care’, that in embodying it for a moment, I define myself as dismissive of these things, distractions, thoughts; deliberately ignoring, refusing to consider me or others, and within that, standing for a moment as a memory of this victory over care illusion, as if I had outed the deception of an other being.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I expressed myself directly, that I would destroy the relationship with my mother. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was bad, so not deserving of approval, if I caused a bad reaction in her. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my father’s wrath, should this happen. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this fear, to have become disempowered within myself, and that within and as that fear and in that disempowerment that I resorted to the ways of manipulation, operating within that manipulation as a decision to live dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel this contempt into a manipulation with the intention of making my mother feel bad, feel guilty, so that I could validate myself as a victim and as victorious, and so, win. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sentence me to a life in which through saying the words ‘I don’t care’ I am standing justified in self abuse, and self neglect, just as a result of this reaction. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this justification in my mind as real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be made to feel things by others, and within that, that I am not responsible for what I feel. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed as an extension of this belief, a world of blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect images of Holy Mother and Child to the word Care, and then to make of that an experience in my mind, and an expectation of my mother, and that in my mind, I accepted and allowed myself to believe this to be an obligation: I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother was obliged to give me this experience.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself judge my mother that she, in my projections, broke this obligation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within this to have believed that this was a breach of something sacred.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word Sacred as an experience inside me as something that must be protected immediately and at all costs, regardless of the damage. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be triggered by this word, that I have accepted and allowed this word Sacred to control my actions, that I have accepted and allowed this word to become a starting point of me in my reactions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within this system, immediate argumentative attacking responses to protect a lie, while projecting out a world of lies and judgement and malignance, and blaming out at other beings in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created programs for me to live that are initiated in this word Sacred. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a certain kind of backchat to be supported by this vehement emotion, judgement, spite, cutting down, undermining, and all of it – for the Sake of Sacred - so as not move, not to have exposed the guilty secret, to not have to look at it face on, that I in fact depend upon this experience of care that I have imagined to exist, that I then imagined in my mind to have been lost.

Adam Closs
Posts: 442
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 14 May 2017, 15:45

Day 385: Some Matrix Notes


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Some Matrix Notes: Of flying to (physical location) Brussels.


Here to share some inner processes in which I shifted from a physical trip, through X, into tripping as an accepted state of mind and being and body, where for quite some moments in relation to the meeting of Destonians in Royal Park, and also in relation to myself, I went into a consequential state of being disconnected, out of time.

Arrival Saturday, 14:50: Entering the airspace of, to me, a foreign city, not me, flying, I add, a distinction that may become more clear, as I find my ways along, in retrospect, in seeing the narrow expectations of the thoughts I thought, that were in me, in the baggage that I carried, and depended on.

So now I look upon the impact of these impositions on my physical experience of this real physical city of the ‘Région de Bruxelles-Capitale’ where, seeing the X in Brussels with a new and slightly daunting significance, a reaction came up in me that was like the outline of a question: ‘What is X doing here?’ that now I see as a point of blame; as if someone or something came along and put this X into my experience.

And along with that X there was a little fear, a little Quake within the Question, that within the security of me walking the tracks of my projected world, a Question quietly sat there in my thoughts, looking to be answered, and maybe like the iceberg tip of something more than just a little double-take in seeing this X, as my realizations of the reality of me in real time in the real world, standing in front of an apparently strange ticket machine that now seemed like a sentry, with whom that I must now negotiate at the gateway of a huge metropolis as an experience in my mind, so that in the real world I may have permission using money to take a bus to who knows what or where this word ‘Central’ means, and how will I recognize it with my eyes when and if I get there? Like here, in my en-trance to Brussels as Bruxelle, I immediately started leaking confidence in myself, that things were not as they seemed, not seeing how I was walking deeper into an accepted state of fear and blame and hence of disempowerment.

Later on that afternoon, as part of an attempt to rise above it all, I find a memory of me saying of Brussels, words to the effect of: Oh yes, it’s just an example of ‘The Matrix’, just an example of the shuffled component parts of another ‘Imperial City’… nothing much, simple as that: sort of generalizing it, blaming it, and dismissing its unique reality, as well as the unique reality of a mass of human lives, and the beauty of their languages, and rather than remaining open to it in humility, I decided in being as superior to this Matrix stuff, not seeing that I was looking to consolidate the matrix of me, so as to stand a little easier in my mind, within my comfort zones, retain my dignity as the matrix of me, in relation to this new Région of the physical world to which I’d come.

And writing this I see that where in my physical travels I had in fact not been travelling at all in the sense of being anywhere unwaveringly with myself, supporting me in the face of something new, supporting me in my lack of understanding of a different language by reaching out and asking, making contact with the beings of this new world of Bruxelles-Capitale.

And during my journey on the plane, there had been an argumentative expression of me come up in me of ‘my position’ of ‘I am not in fact travelling to ‘Brussels’ as such, No! I am travelling to meet my friends, regardless where…’ And this one: I do not accept these photo-graven images, of places, scenes, scenarios, as being where I’m going to, not me, I am not going to the pictures… which was precisely what I was doing…

So here showing me how I tolerate this shift in energy distortions of who I am like as in accepting my own interpretations in my mind of what I am actively committing to as a change in me, where seeing this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word Tolerate as a positive interpretation of an accepted state of disempowerment, rather than as a living decision of what I will accept. In accepting these energy distortions of who I am as an experience of superiority in relation to ‘the matrix’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of walking from the comfort zone of me, in which I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to justify myself within corruption of a principle expressed now in these distortions in forms of blame and argument, such No, Me, I will not do that, when all the time within my own stability there exists that what I want to do is to keep awareness with me of this insight of the underlying infrastructures of the world of words, where in walking words yes I want to not let go of this decision, of honouring myself as all others in and as the reality of Creative Beingness, in deliberately living words, and learning how to do this, how to remain within the decision of who I am within this one Decision at the starting point of the moments of my life.

So here in retrospect, I missed the real time moment: I could have decided to live the words, Reach Out. Looking at this, and specifically within this, the question comes of how did I define myself within and as decision in that real time moment when I missed that I could chose instead of rocking like a boat upon a sea of troubles, to simply live a word? Who was I within that moment of seeing that X, and tolerate those decisions that then followed from that, from this point of who I am within and as Decision?

Bringing back that moment as I read the word Bruxelle, and all the apparent implications of what Bruxelle with added X, could mean, permeating everything and then apparently manifesting in the ticket machine, what I see was this me as making decisions from within and as a sea of troubles, and within those troubles, that Who I Am within decisions is alone in the world, not alone within myself simply as an aspect of responsibility, but alone in the world, almost as a living pledge from long ago, like here I am again in a sea of all my fuck-ups that I must somehow by all means control the consequences as they come, one after the other, and not only that but keep it all discrete and quiet outwardly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself so harshly in the realization that I have made mistakes, that I do not know things, that I do not understand, know what to do. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience shame within not knowing things not understanding things, not knowing what to do or how to do some things. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within and as acceptance of these judgements, that I have accepted and allowed myself to live an experience of fear of shame, and so fear of being exposed in the act of asking, and that within this I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not simply choosing to live the words, reach out.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to live the words Reach Out, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to Reaching Out. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how I made this so, within the decision of how I lived decision itself.



Decision:

Redefining DECISION as: The DECISION I LIVE to redefine my SELF in REAL TIME as LIVING WORDS the moment I see my thoughts / emotions compromise me.

I commit myself to walk and practice this One Decision, to clarify this one decision in me, that this one decision becomes a living part of me, with me, in support of me, in my breathing breath as me in every moment, in the starting point of me.

I commit myself to practice this commitment creating ways and means for me to use who I am within the source of me within Resourceful and with hearing what is shared and shown, so that I can practically make this so, to create a habit so that in time and application that this may become a natural part of me, a natural starting point in my design of my awareness. I see realise and understand that bringing into me something new, not just a part of me but into all of me throughout all time will require this constancy, to bring this one decision into my everyday awareness, in my constant living Breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that decisions vary, that decisions are defined by the circumstances, that decisions are an ongoing expression of an idea in my mind of my freedom, while at the same time, how I am accepting and allowing the way I feel, the thoughts that come up, and the circumstance are defining this decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in hope that what I have defined as a decision will not simply melt away according to the tides of giving up and giving in. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disempowered within this hope in which I am waiting in a way to see if or not my decision will stand, while at the same time being prepared for it not to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a future moment for myself in which my decision simply melts away and I have scripts at hand to manipulate myself into feeling ok about this, fooling myself that I have restored my integrity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to function in the systems that I’ve made in which I believe that I have made a decision when really I have given my permission of who I am as tolerance, at the usual place, at the usual moment in the usual pattern. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a version of decision where I did not take me into and through self honest consideration of me, and of others as me, where I have not accepted or allowed myself to extend who I am in Care to me, where instead I have accepted and allowed myself to shift into positions, and reactions in my mind, where I had become accustomed to mistake the choices of energy experience as Decision, and so dignifying an image in my mind of my sovereign self.

I forgive myself that I have judged myself in falling in decisions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on me in standing as decision. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as less than making a decision. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to consider how and in what way that I have defined myself in Decision. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am responsible in the consequence of how I have defined and lived the word decision.



Redefining Care has been quite an opening for me: I have seen how my abuse and grasp of Care has been effective in my justification processes of consistent self sabotage and unfelt self abuse: a plan of how to really effectively abuse myself and life, consistently, a version of Care as I had rendered it, compiled within my words, like a proviso in each word that would effectively nobble each and every word, through the channel of me foreshadowing defining and filtering the events of physical communications, the nature of communications in the world.

I mean within my personal lexicon in the workings of my mind, as reference to emotions and reactive patterns with their nodes of words, where written under the definitions of the words, the personal etymologies, and within those etymologies, an example of my personalized version of Care as wired within each word, not with recognition of Care as a relationship, as simply a principle of reality, an expression of Equality, within consideration of self and consideration of others as me, within doing unto others equally as I would like for me, where consideration of my self within this is a consideration that is supportive, is self honest: I commit myself to learn these things, and by learning what I mean is how to actually walk and practice living these things where what I see is that instead that I have established for myself is ongoing permission for myself within my righteousness and blame of this word Care, as personally owning it in a way, to have the rights of abusing it.

So here begins a turning point for me. In regards and consideration of redefining Care, as in recent posts: at this point, not to wrap it up as such, or finish off with it, because I am aware that there are aspects of myself within this word that I have yet to walk, and yet to realign with Life, that, as shown to me by and through the Portal and through my being, that it would be more effective now to let go of it, to let it be.

And within that I see that I must learn to respect this word, I must learn to recognize that this word has it’s own existence in itself, it’s own history, it’s own awareness, its own inherent universal awesomeness, its own nature, that within this word as me there are things for me unknown yet to discover, seeing that within respect of Care that there is access to a reality that is real, that is not at all the reality that I had imposed upon myself and upon the word and through that onto others.


So now I move to Calm, approaching how I am defined in Calm that now I apply myself to the transformation of that X into it’s upright form of +, as the steady masthead of my relation Ship of me to me on the waters of my journey here.



Continuing next time…

Adam Closs
Posts: 442
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 14 May 2017, 15:46

Day 386: Changing Platforms


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Sharing here a moment of stress, where I have shifted from being with my living breathing me in support of me, to instead becoming as the output of my own dynamic engineering: where I have accepted and allowed myself to walk habitual energy patterns into existence in me, elaborating and evolving them from my internal use/abuse of words, from the definitions of my words, limiting my words to functioning as energetic stations/switch-points in a labyrinth of inner tracks, where this moment comes up in physical reality as I rush or wait on narrow platforms, that I now begin to see as well are platforms that I stand on, that I myself designed for me and then signed off on.

Within me and so without of me as well, looms the manifested consequence of consciousness; standing with my baggage in front of a screened kaleidoscope of digital instruction, words, location names and neon arrows, I check again the personal physical reality; which pocket did I stash that piece of paper, and once again I cannot find it.

Within these moments, going from one pocket of my clothing to another, one memory to another and back again, I am in distress, that I will not find it, that I have somehow lost it, and through that word, Somehow, with nebulous implications, I follow the authority of this doubt that I have given to it, along a trail back down endless twists and turns of corridors and concourse tubes, the records of my immediate past, as if to find a memory in which I might have accidently dropped it, or thrown it away amongst some rubbish, or scary stories of scenarios like that, where what I am accepting and allowing is for fear to escalate, coursing in a rush through the blood capillaries of my body, and in the heart of it, that old fear within the shock of realization of having forgotten something vital is refreshed and present in my fingertips as they search the linings of my pockets, and a feeling of uselessness invades me, a sense of having no defense against this memory gap that sabotages me, again, within this pattern.

And then I find the ticket, and in finding it, and holding it in my hand, still within this pattern, I then go into calming down. And then within me I realise again, that I am so tired of this routine that I have accepted and allowed as who I am, and yet have not so far changed. And then, even that sentence there I realise now, becomes a part of this same pattern. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of tiredness of all this shit as part and parcel of who I am, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to willingly resign within this tiredness experience towards facing my old patterns, where in this tiredness I willingly conform to how I have defined this word Calm as a polarity of relief of stress/distress, where I have accepted and allowed a part of me to be unwilling to let it go.

This dependence or addiction you could say, to Calm, electric, rests upon this view of who I am at the source of it, seeing this part of me as an unfortunate fact in my own history, that there was ‘nothing to be done’ for example about those memory holes: that was just an unfortunate fact of being me, or like the unfortunate fact of ‘how I’ve always been’ in relation to the ups and downs of energy. So that in a way as I look into this point what I see as referencing it is a childhood me in resignation to the apparent facts of me, without an inkling of the basic reality of self as creative being; and from that perspective of walking in and as a systematic life, in which that design of Calm came to be valued and protected. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a fear of loss to be attached to redefining Calm. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require that calm as such be valued and protected, and within the bounds of that protection, not looking at it too closely, connected as it is to the distress.

So this time to look more closely at what it is that I am accepting and allowing within me as unchangeable, that seems to justify a definition of Calm within ‘It’ll be ok’, and ‘I’ll rest here for a moment’, Calm as opposite to storming in myself, a Calm that requires the storming to exist, so that in my experience of calm there must exist a context of this stormy energy, and in the Calmness, the requirement of a feeling energy, and in that, an experience that I have connected into Calm, an experience of Calm that has no depth, is only transient. So in this pattern Calm exists as: It’s ok I’ve made myself feel better, not seeing how within this there is no reference of Calm itself, but only to the management of the emotion in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realise that I have defined Calm within and as an aspect of my accepted inner turbulence. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no other way to be. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a victim of who I am, in seeing me defined as me, and limiting myself to the mind control of ‘That is who I am, I have no other choice.’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of loss in redefining Calm. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this definition of calm that I have lived is vital to me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the memory holes, not seeing within that my own responsibility for the consequence of not being here, but in my mind instead, distracted and preoccupied. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to both define and judge myself with ‘having memory holes’ as if that were an affliction in itself that I must live with.






Continuing next post…

Adam Closs
Posts: 442
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 14 May 2017, 15:48

Day 387: The Decision to Live!


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When I looked into the word Decision it was like seeing close up a part of an elegantly simple tool, from the inside, with arcs or bands of metal, yet seeing only a part of it, something like a close up aspect of the letter D, and from being already in it, amongst these arcs, not outside of it like other words could be for me at first; and my relationship to these metal bands was as with recognizing a working tool, keeping the edges clear and shiny, and well defined, as if the tool itself and the maintenance of this tool were as one.

And what I’d do at first as I looked again at what was there within Decision, to see the wider extent of it, to see more: and yet something that I realized was that though I’d been looking at just a part of it, such as the profile of an edge of D, that view of it was enough, enough to make a first embrace of this, get going with it, work with it, enough for maintenance, enough for me to qualify this tool for me, gradually bring into it and furnish it with the many aspects that I wanted, extending who I am within and as Decision, so that Decision becomes everything I want it to be, like as in components of a constant breath or starting point. Here is where in the practice of bringing the one decision into my awareness in my breathing in and out, I attach the word Decision to my breath, to the word of Breath, to my constancy of me as breath.

Redefining Decision as: “The decision I live to redefine my SELF in REAL TIME as LIVING WORDS the moment I see my thoughts / emotions compromise me.”

I commit myself to not judging me in repeating this commitment, as I take on to walk this process, so again I write the statement: I commit myself to walk and practice this One Decision, to clarify this one decision in me, that this one decision becomes a living part of me, with me, in support of me, in my breathing breath as me in every moment, in the starting point of me. I commit myself to living patience with myself in learning how to bring this one decision into the starting point of me, that decision redefined may become a natural part of me.

So it’s like for me: Have a look: What words to live can be contained within the very fabric of Decision? Such as in Decision, I live Care, I live Forgiveness, I live Patience, I live Calm, I live the words I choose to live as one, as part of the one decision, and from this word extend myself into other words to live, and bring them into the embrace of my living of the word Decision.

In practicing this specific breath, I find something new for me: that in breathing out the accumulated thoughts and energies, where in me exists in real time the Decision, I simply breathe it out, kind of whatever it is, recognizing accumulation, that has incipient points and thoughts and conflicts calling for attention, but instead, simply clearing out, and then breathing in with awareness of the simple one decision that I strengthen, make it how I want Decision to be, what I want Decision to include in me, that from there I choose a word to live: a new word to live, or a word that I am living that is already present in the word decision.

A question came up in me of: Have I ever really decided to live? Is there present in decision, my decision to live? Would I like for this decision to become a part of who I am within this One Decision? And here I realise that this one Decision to be living words can be also my decision to live, that that is what it is: my decision to live.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never actually decide to live, to commit myself to living. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live Reluctance in the face of Life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at my own life as if it had been thrust upon me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within this relationship of complaint in living to have separated me from life.

Therefore as I redefine Decision I bring into this one decision, the decision to Live, as part of who I am as Breath.

Adam Closs
Posts: 442
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 14 May 2017, 15:49

Day 388: Defining Calm (1)


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Here I continue in a way, with what comes up next for me, as I consider this word Calm and how it is within me, and how I am in it. Something I am seeing at the moment is how the word Constancy has been kind of present in me, maybe as a delegate in a way, of physical calm, I mean it comes up in me as I begin to look at Calm: So not really an amble or a ramble, but respecting what is here, in this post I go with Constancy.

What in Constancy? And Constant Sea, and Constant See. In looking at the word Constancy, a memory came up in me: So here I share this memory and open it up, to look at some of it’s components.

When I was young I lived in a house that was just a few streets to walk down to get to the sea, so, very often on summer days, I was there. When the tide went out there was a beach of yellow sand, and walking on the sand towards the breaking waves seemed like a long walk, or else, having had enough of the delights of feet and toes in sand and sinking sand, I would break into a run to meet the sea, and run through the waters, the gentle waters of the low tide where I learned to dive in to it and to swim. Then sometimes when the tide was high my family would find a perch upon a bank of shingle where they would set up their camp with wind breakers and towels spread out and beach things: here I learned to play with the bigger waves as they came in. I would get close up and sink my feet into the gravel as it drained into the oncoming wave, and then as the wave enveloped me, I would raise my arms as the water came up to my chest, and then would lift me up and take my body and hurl it round and round like in a fizzy watery salty tumbling motion, and then lay me out again, upon the slope of beach, lying me on my back again upon the streaming slope of gravel bed, wiping the salt from my eyes, and listening to the crashing booms of the collapsing waves and the myriad of tinkling fizzing sounds of water streaming underneath my head and back and down my legs into the crushing of the fall of following waves. For me there was a sort of intimacy with the sea in that experience: in future times that memory would become more like a desire to experience again that relationship, and within that a fear of losing it, where the sparkle of the sea first sighted in the distance would become a trigger of a feeling of being reunited with something missed: a point in which it was like a checking in with who I am in this relationship, where there became a whole personal side to meeting once again, as it would become, as in a personal relationship, in my mind, the being, of the sea. Seeing the glimmer of the sea, I would let go of something in me, a release of longing, within this a sense of coming home to a truth of me, that here after all was the real point around which all else fuzzed into as distraction, like here I am walking on this edge of beach, checking in with reality. And what I would experience in such visits would be a transition from these feelings in my mind, to the physical realities of the sea, where none of that existed, and being there, I would simply walk, it was as if the wind would simply blow away that stuff, where thoughts like: ‘Here I am amongst the Elements’ had no purchase, but as a passing remark within my mind. Though later on within my memories I would let such thoughts attach. And I would look towards the city and see my life in all it’s ups and downs, as if they were contained within that tiny place, and I would ask myself why it was that I could not always remember that this huge event of sea meets land was always going on, was always just around a corner in my life, and yet somehow there was no time for it, that somehow within all of that, in a way, that I was missing my reality.

What can I draw from that? Looking at my projection from the beachhead to this confinement of a life with ups and downs, I see within that, that from here, I am looking at my own existence through a frame of regret. I realise that in a way I have been holding my breath or part of my breath, a sense of lasting out. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed for thoughts and memories to be interfering with my breath, and that I have not allowed myself to breathe in some way, or to let go of holdings, except under certain conditions that I have stated in my mind, making triggers such as seeing the glimmer of the sea.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed through this memory story to have veiled from me the experience of me at the very source of it, being at one with my physical body in the physical elements of the sea. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tie a certain experience of myself to certain conditions or places. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to personify a character of walking-by-the-sea within a construct in my mind of things missed, or lost, or in a narrative of regret. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this relationship with the sea to have directed actions in the world, where I see I have for example walked along the tideline of an open beach, living in my mind the confining veils of these emotions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sanctify these relationships within my mind, finding reasoning of ways that I could be in an experience of righteousness in living out this relationship/program as part of who and how I am, rather than showing me that this is a belief that I have made, in which my actions are being shaped by my relationship to ‘the sea’, that constant sea, as in standing by it, checking in with it, sometimes. Within that I had made a reference of this constancy, as a reality that was there, had for millions of years been there, this beach, this sea, that standing in that context I could as it were share in the experience of that constancy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and so perceive that my personal relationship with the sea is something real, that on some level within me that I have stepped onto a beach with the expectation of a meeting with the sea, with memories of breaking into a run to meet the sea, where I have created in my mind a relationship which has these features of lost and found, of being overwhelmed, yet lifted up and tossed around and gently laid back down, like playing a game with a beneficent power where in that chaos I had found a way of letting go, had through that letting go allowed myself to experience myself at one, lying on the streaming gravel in the maw of the waves.







More on this, along the way of defining and redefining Calm… next post

Adam Closs
Posts: 442
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 14 May 2017, 15:51

Day 389: Defining Calm (2)


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Supporting people to see the principle of Self Creation: thanks Cerise for that simple grounding description of Desteni, and in respect to that I realized how I’d like to place a context for this blog in which I stand with this support, in which I share my learning process of supporting me and all as me in the recognition of that all of us have the same Mind Consciousness System though each of us has furnished differently.

So in sharing the example of me, in opening up these parts of me, and who I am and what I find within the very words that I’ve been living, I do not do this in any way as being specifically instructional in what I write but where I stand in sharing me is in the realization that my most direct learning experiences in reading personal process and listening to interviews of Desteni has been in recognizing within maybe a detail of what is being shared, that in my mind I see that too, as well, I am seeing something about the way I am within myself that I can’t deny, and that in seeing that within myself, I am empowered to make correction, to investigate this further, to use the tools of change.

To connect this post into the context of present time, in May 2017, I am writing this while the Control and Freedom series is being released by Eqafe, starting here.

So kind of in a way like under the umbrella of points that come up for me in support of me in exploration of how I am in Calm, there is a moment in which I am rustling through a pile of papers, having lost a document, while within me there is like a storm going on, a storm of rushing time, and I realise that here is an example of who I am within the consequence of procrastination, in which all of that begun, unfinished, unstarted, unresolved, incomplete and not brought through seems to storm around me: and I see myself within that storm as last minute doing the essentials. And yet what is Calm within that for me, but as an act of balance, an act of coping with the energy? And then the rain begins, let’s say, the rain of realisations of things forgotten, and in those moments I see within me that all of it comes down to me: even though all that I experience in this moment of the physical world is actually its quietness, its stability, its persistence, I see how I am standing within the reception of the quietness of the physical world as in denial, in separation from it believing that I cannot share this calm.


Explorations into Procrastination and Time

Sounding the word Pro-cras-tin-a-tion: that’s the extent of it, like a train it takes ages to arrive, it takes ages to say it, half way through the saying of it I even almost feel like a little break, playfully speaking, if not at some place in the middle, then at the end, after the entire system of all of it is fully sounded out; because throughout the clunky coming and arrival of it there has been many access step ups into weariness, and playful option links, and many a set of frames and windows, doors and carriages, and then from skimming along the platform edge, it comes to rest, and a pause of quietness settles on the platform, no wheels, no tracks, no underworld, just sliding doors and automation...

Already in allowing such a metaphor to unfold I show myself so many aspects of myself in how I am within and as procrastination, and yet the platform in the metaphor is quite simple in a way, it consists of how I have decided to be in relation to Time, where for Procrastination to get the green light, one of the things I do is set, believe, accept, allow a value of this Time.

Here is a point where I see how I have merged Me-Time - in a way like an installed control and reaction to a fear of loss of time in being ‘made’ to do things, a perception of Time being taken from me – all of this I have merged with Time itself, and within that I see how I have added into Time an alternative reality of emotion, with Me-Time sort of representing a construct/life mission/contract reaction statement of who I am merged into physical Time.

And within this I see how I have been in a state of desperation, grasping Time, as who I am in My-Life-Me-Time, and in Procrastination where this My-Life-Me-Time comes up, here is where the self manipulation starts where this desperate authority of fear of loss of me in time exerts itself with the go ahead of my allowance.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that in the crisis and rush to do things, get things done, that I am actually acting out this desperation, this grasping at time, while knowing well that this is the consequence of time that I have taken. I forgive myself that I have stood as acceptance of this me-time within and as the rush.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the fear of taking back authority from the desperation where I placed it, where I have accepted and allowed this fear of loss of Time as My-Life-Me-Time to define me, to control me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a comfort zone of this My-Life-Me-Time, because I see and realise that there is no real comfort here, but only constant holding on and holding off, under the illusion of having gained or won some moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this My-Life-Me-Time within a positive experience of energy within and as a construct of ownership and authority within my mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined Life according to my mind, where in disregard of what Life is that I have amplified an idea of my own authority in relationship to it as being ruled by My, and the Me in me-time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and live this me-time as in supplying me-time as positive energy experience, where what I see I can do instead is bring this care of with-me into my awareness at this trigger point of accepting and allowing the procrastination system, to not allow the energy of me-time as a point of self manipulation any more. So as and when this word Time comes up in the persuasions of procrastination, I treat it as a red flag I commit myself to release the interests of the energy, in me-time, and how I have accepted and allowed myself to be within and as that energy, from how I have defined myself in Time.

I commit myself to release the word Time as I have lived it from the experience of fear of loss and reactions founded on a belief that time was being taken from me, that unless I protected me from this, then Time would not be Mine, that then I would have no access to my life of ‘Freedom’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place limitations on the access to me according to this me-time construct in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this me-time construct exist as a righteous cause of conflict within the definitions of who I am within and as the word Obligation, where in seeing Obligation within the tasks in front of me, in the moments of procrastination, I focus on the ligatures of obligation and so again within the Obligation, I accept and allow the same manipulation within this defensive point of me-time from which I have looked upon responsibility as landed on me, as a constriction, or where I see within myself that my embrace of this responsibility is not complete, not unconditional in this moment, not real.

So here once again a red flag for the Me-Time as it comes up in seeing Obligation where I can instead be walking in the question of how can I extend myself as who I am and how I have decided to be in this responsibility, into the facts and actions of the obligation where who I am in this word Obligation is extension of myself in my responsibility, and who I am within and as responsibility is how I have defined this for me, that within accepting a responsibility that I still have access to myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Obligation in a negative energy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this construct of me-time to exist as sabotage in living Obligation.




Continuing next post…

Adam Closs
Posts: 442
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 16 May 2017, 16:23

Day 390: Calm and Mind Control


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Continuing here to walk the word Calm, while at the same time in the context also of listening to and walking with the current Quantum Mind Self Awareness series Who I Am as Control.

Mind Control, as Mind Structure: in redefining words, for example in how a signature of hierarchy becomes attached to, or else submerged into our living of a word, where even through the generations such corruptions have remained unquestioned and so become ingrained. A structure of belief subverts the purpose of the word and spreads into the language, and in so doing, shapes and limits our perception of ourselves and of reality, to the point where hidden blame and open blame becomes established as the base religion of our programmed world, a world of disempowerment, where all we see becomes externalized and surfaced, as the confines of our surface consciousness. A view of the Matrix as the world of words we live in separation.

Personally here, for me working with the words that I have lived, it is a process in which gradually I am seeing through walking words the emotional nature of the reality from which I evolved the words that I’ve been living, as components of my mind, as compliant with the structures in those words, structures that I have accepted and allowed to be there existing in me and as part of me, and so as part of what I resonate, as part of how I define myself within decision in a moment, and so a part of what I did or did not do, as actions and behaviours in the world.

As I look now into how I’d had exist within me a version of Calm as a relative state, defined by boundaries of emotional experience, or as suppression of the awareness of the conflict, where what I had eventually accepted and allowed was a form of blame towards the inner tempest, such as in this moment described before in which in this part of the cycle of procrastination, the point of accumulated neglect of what is here becomes the last minute ‘rushing gale’ of time, sort of at the End of Time, with a ‘fateful’ tone, another layer of blame onto the awareness of my responsibility within the very cause of this, and within and as the very system of this, that within that system for this Calm to exist, to function with this system, it became defined in being braced against any sort of hurry in that moment. Looking into this specific example of how I have used Calm it shows me how there exists in this no essential reference to Calm, no connection through myself and into the essence of Calm, but only calm in this example as my interpretation of a balance energy functioning within and as procrastination that I have accepted and allowed to become established in my mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the word Calm to an experience that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach to Hurry and within that word Hurry, to who I am as fear of loss of time, fear of loss of me in time that is not my own. And so I release Calm from this structure that I have accepted and allowed.


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