Day 385: Some Matrix Notes
Some Matrix Notes: Of flying to (physical location) Brussels.
Here to share some inner processes in which I shifted from a physical trip, through X, into tripping as an accepted state of mind and being and body, where for quite some moments in relation to the meeting of Destonians in Royal Park, and also in relation to myself, I went into a consequential state of being disconnected, out of time.
Arrival Saturday, 14:50: Entering the airspace of, to me, a foreign city, not me, flying, I add, a distinction that may become more clear, as I find my ways along, in retrospect, in seeing the narrow expectations of the thoughts I thought, that were in me, in the baggage that I carried, and depended on.
So now I look upon the impact of these impositions on my physical experience of this real physical city of the ‘Région de Bruxelles-Capitale’ where, seeing the X in Brussels with a new and slightly daunting significance, a reaction came up in me that was like the outline of a question: ‘What is X doing here?’ that now I see as a point of blame; as if someone or something came along and put this X into my experience.
And along with that X there was a little fear, a little Quake within the Question, that within the security of me walking the tracks of my projected world, a Question quietly sat there in my thoughts, looking to be answered, and maybe like the iceberg tip of something more than just a little double-take in seeing this X, as my realizations of the reality of me in real time in the real world, standing in front of an apparently strange ticket machine that now seemed like a sentry, with whom that I must now negotiate at the gateway of a huge metropolis as an experience in my mind, so that in the real world I may have permission using money to take a bus to who knows what or where this word ‘Central’ means, and how will I recognize it with my eyes when and if I get there? Like here, in my en-trance to Brussels as Bruxelle, I immediately started leaking confidence in myself, that things were not as they seemed, not seeing how I was walking deeper into an accepted state of fear and blame and hence of disempowerment.
Later on that afternoon, as part of an attempt to rise above it all, I find a memory of me saying of Brussels, words to the effect of: Oh yes, it’s just an example of ‘The Matrix’, just an example of the shuffled component parts of another ‘Imperial City’… nothing much, simple as that: sort of generalizing it, blaming it, and dismissing its unique reality, as well as the unique reality of a mass of human lives, and the beauty of their languages, and rather than remaining open to it in humility, I decided in being as superior to this Matrix stuff, not seeing that I was looking to consolidate the matrix of me, so as to stand a little easier in my mind, within my comfort zones, retain my dignity as the matrix of me, in relation to this new Région of the physical world to which I’d come.
And writing this I see that where in my physical travels I had in fact not been travelling at all in the sense of being anywhere unwaveringly with myself, supporting me in the face of something new, supporting me in my lack of understanding of a different language by reaching out and asking, making contact with the beings of this new world of Bruxelles-Capitale.
And during my journey on the plane, there had been an argumentative expression of me come up in me of ‘my position’ of ‘I am not in fact travelling to ‘Brussels’ as such, No! I am travelling to meet my friends, regardless where…’ And this one: I do not accept these photo-graven images, of places, scenes, scenarios, as being where I’m going to, not me, I am not going to the pictures… which was precisely what I was doing…
So here showing me how I tolerate this shift in energy distortions of who I am like as in accepting my own interpretations in my mind of what I am actively committing to as a change in me, where seeing this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word Tolerate as a positive interpretation of an accepted state of disempowerment, rather than as a living decision of what I will accept. In accepting these energy distortions of who I am as an experience of superiority in relation to ‘the matrix’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of walking from the comfort zone of me, in which I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to justify myself within corruption of a principle expressed now in these distortions in forms of blame and argument, such No, Me, I will not do that, when all the time within my own stability there exists that what I want to do is to keep awareness with me of this insight of the underlying infrastructures of the world of words, where in walking words yes I want to not let go of this decision, of honouring myself as all others in and as the reality of Creative Beingness, in deliberately living words, and learning how to do this, how to remain within the decision of who I am within this one Decision at the starting point of the moments of my life.
So here in retrospect, I missed the real time moment: I could have decided to live the words, Reach Out. Looking at this, and specifically within this, the question comes of how did I define myself within and as decision in that real time moment when I missed that I could chose instead of rocking like a boat upon a sea of troubles, to simply live a word? Who was I within that moment of seeing that X, and tolerate those decisions that then followed from that, from this point of who I am within and as Decision?
Bringing back that moment as I read the word Bruxelle, and all the apparent implications of what Bruxelle with added X, could mean, permeating everything and then apparently manifesting in the ticket machine, what I see was this me as making decisions from within and as a sea of troubles, and within those troubles, that Who I Am within decisions is alone in the world, not alone within myself simply as an aspect of responsibility, but alone in the world, almost as a living pledge from long ago, like here I am again in a sea of all my fuck-ups that I must somehow by all means control the consequences as they come, one after the other, and not only that but keep it all discrete and quiet outwardly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself so harshly in the realization that I have made mistakes, that I do not know things, that I do not understand, know what to do. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience shame within not knowing things not understanding things, not knowing what to do or how to do some things. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within and as acceptance of these judgements, that I have accepted and allowed myself to live an experience of fear of shame, and so fear of being exposed in the act of asking, and that within this I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not simply choosing to live the words, reach out.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to live the words Reach Out, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to Reaching Out. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how I made this so, within the decision of how I lived decision itself.
Redefining DECISION as: The DECISION I LIVE to redefine my SELF in REAL TIME as LIVING WORDS the moment I see my thoughts / emotions compromise me.
I commit myself to walk and practice this One Decision, to clarify this one decision in me, that this one decision becomes a living part of me, with me, in support of me, in my breathing breath as me in every moment, in the starting point of me.
I commit myself to practice this commitment creating ways and means for me to use who I am within the source of me within Resourceful and with hearing what is shared and shown, so that I can practically make this so, to create a habit so that in time and application that this may become a natural part of me, a natural starting point in my design of my awareness. I see realise and understand that bringing into me something new, not just a part of me but into all of me throughout all time will require this constancy, to bring this one decision into my everyday awareness, in my constant living Breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that decisions vary, that decisions are defined by the circumstances, that decisions are an ongoing expression of an idea in my mind of my freedom, while at the same time, how I am accepting and allowing the way I feel, the thoughts that come up, and the circumstance are defining this decision.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in hope that what I have defined as a decision will not simply melt away according to the tides of giving up and giving in. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disempowered within this hope in which I am waiting in a way to see if or not my decision will stand, while at the same time being prepared for it not to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a future moment for myself in which my decision simply melts away and I have scripts at hand to manipulate myself into feeling ok about this, fooling myself that I have restored my integrity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to function in the systems that I’ve made in which I believe that I have made a decision when really I have given my permission of who I am as tolerance, at the usual place, at the usual moment in the usual pattern. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a version of decision where I did not take me into and through self honest consideration of me, and of others as me, where I have not accepted or allowed myself to extend who I am in Care to me, where instead I have accepted and allowed myself to shift into positions, and reactions in my mind, where I had become accustomed to mistake the choices of energy experience as Decision, and so dignifying an image in my mind of my sovereign self.
I forgive myself that I have judged myself in falling in decisions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on me in standing as decision. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as less than making a decision. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to consider how and in what way that I have defined myself in Decision. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am responsible in the consequence of how I have defined and lived the word decision.
Redefining Care has been quite an opening for me: I have seen how my abuse and grasp of Care has been effective in my justification processes of consistent self sabotage and unfelt self abuse: a plan of how to really effectively abuse myself and life, consistently, a version of Care as I had rendered it, compiled within my words, like a proviso in each word that would effectively nobble each and every word, through the channel of me foreshadowing defining and filtering the events of physical communications, the nature of communications in the world.
I mean within my personal lexicon in the workings of my mind, as reference to emotions and reactive patterns with their nodes of words, where written under the definitions of the words, the personal etymologies, and within those etymologies, an example of my personalized version of Care as wired within each word, not with recognition of Care as a relationship, as simply a principle of reality, an expression of Equality, within consideration of self and consideration of others as me, within doing unto others equally as I would like for me, where consideration of my self within this is a consideration that is supportive, is self honest: I commit myself to learn these things, and by learning what I mean is how to actually walk and practice living these things where what I see is that instead that I have established for myself is ongoing permission for myself within my righteousness and blame of this word Care, as personally owning it in a way, to have the rights of abusing it.
So here begins a turning point for me. In regards and consideration of redefining Care, as in recent posts: at this point, not to wrap it up as such, or finish off with it, because I am aware that there are aspects of myself within this word that I have yet to walk, and yet to realign with Life, that, as shown to me by and through the Portal and through my being, that it would be more effective now to let go of it, to let it be.
And within that I see that I must learn to respect this word, I must learn to recognize that this word has it’s own existence in itself, it’s own history, it’s own awareness, its own inherent universal awesomeness, its own nature, that within this word as me there are things for me unknown yet to discover, seeing that within respect of Care that there is access to a reality that is real, that is not at all the reality that I had imposed upon myself and upon the word and through that onto others.
So now I move to Calm, approaching how I am defined in Calm that now I apply myself to the transformation of that X into it’s upright form of +, as the steady masthead of my relation Ship of me to me on the waters of my journey here.
Continuing next time…