Mike Lammers Blogging for sponsorship

mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
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Day-53-2017-08-05

Postby mikelammers » 05 Aug 2017, 14:33

Creating clarity regarding actions to take when confronted with conflict in relationships

So let me start by asking myself if I think I would be able to stand with myself if I would be in my partners shoes seeing myself going through my latest possession? The answer would be NO! Witch is basically the answer the physical gave me. Next questions would be: how can I direct myself within this? How can I assist myself here? Why was I not able to direct this moment of conflict towards a solution? Why do I allow myself to become emotional and angry as well? Why did I start to participate? Why do I allow myself to give up on my partner? Is ending this relationship a solution? Why did I end this relationship?

Why would I not be able to stand with myself if I would be in my partners shoes seeing a partner becoming possessed? I see a few points opening up here. The severity of the possession is one of them. One can only take so much on in relation to severe situations of conflict with another person. My personal experiences within and as how I dealt with similar situations on relationships and how they have played out in the past. Repetitive patterns, in other words, did similar events play out before and what did we agree upon to do and what didn’t we do to prevent these situations from developing again. Personal points, as in my personal relationships and misunderstanding of these points and patterns I’m confronted with as reactions within me and towards my partner. Escalation, as in nobody is actually stepping on the brakes in time thus allowing the situation to continue to roll down hill and gain more momentum making stopping even harder or not possible at all. Judgement and assumptions triggered by my emotions, as in convincing myself that I don’t deserve this, no one deserves this, fuck off, go away, leave me alone, I don’t have to accept this, this is not what we agreed on, It’s not fair, I can’t do this, this is too much, It’s abusive, I’m being abused and so forth.

How can I direct and assist myself within this seeing I was not always able to direct and assist myself when confronted with a possessed partner on a relationship. So within this is me seeing myself not able or enabled to deal with a situation in witch I am confronted with a partner who is going gaga. Within that I see and realize that no one is going gaga without a reason, so what did I miss before within and as my awareness and responsibilities as my actions, reactions and inactivity within the moments leading up to my partner becoming possessed? Do I have the complete picture? Where did this possession originate from as in what trigger points have I missed here? Was I aware of myself and did I correct myself within myself regarding the resonances and reactions that came up within me that I projected towards my partner in the moments leading up to this conflict? Why did I allow myself to suppress myself and not take action when I saw my partner becoming unstable, unclear and slowly but surely going into a possession?

How can I assist myself in the future and direct moments where I see my partner becoming unstable, unclear and slowly but surely going gaga towards a solution? First would be becoming aware of and acknowledge the fact that my partner is displaying unstable and unclear behaviour and within these moments realize within and as myself that I have to stop and direct the whole moment to a pause, a moment of intervention. I would have to disconnect myself first and investigate the points above, stabilize myself and get to clarity within myself as to what is actually happening. So to be self honest regarding what I can and cannot do in that specific moment. Next would be the necessity to get my partner to stop participating within his or her own behaviour immediately by showing or simply stating what it is I’m observing and that what I’m observing is unacceptable and why it has to stop NOW!

This includes explaining/showing/communicating with my partner as to why and how I came to this conclusion. I would also suggest to myself to get out of the situation and create distance as in a ’time-out’ in order to give ourselves the space and time to stabilize! This implies individual down time for active reflection as in clear writings, self forgiveness and self commitment statements by both partners before other interaction or communication is started. This to make sure the point and pattern is addressed into the nitty gritty so self forgiveness can also be done together to make absolutely sure clarity and standing is created regarding all points and new points opening up. After that we have to look at ways to train ourselves and each other to become more self aware and effective regarding this pattern as the cause for potential problems and how to deal with it effectively.

So the practical way I scripted for myself from where I stand now is to take action and do the following. I get my partner to pause. This could be a long the lines of:

“dear I love you very much albeit at the moment I’m having a lot of trouble keeping myself stable in your presence because of what is coming up within me as my reactions as energy in relation to how you behave - as this and that - You and I both know that from here on it can only get worse so I want you to stop what you are doing immediately go home and reflect on this because that’s what I’m going to do as well. Write it out from your perspective and experience and forgive yourself as I will write it out and forgive myself. Let’s meet when that’s done so we can see and find practical ways to prevent this from happening again and move on”.

I can't make it any simpler. Diffuse the bomb and create space thus time to remove the remaining explosive material. Or, get the fire under control, identify the fuel that feeds the fire, remove the fuel source's. Was this what we did in our relationship? Seldom to never!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that I as a partner have the responsibility to assist my partner when he or she confronts me with emotional and energetic behaviour instead of allowing myself to become reactive and energized as well, seeing realizing that me re-acting to these points and/or patterns that reveal themselves within and as our relationship are points that have to exist within me as well and thus represent potential for conflict if I don’t stop myself participating and within that I realize that if we both find ourselves reacting emotionally to a situation of friction/conflict with each other, we have no clarity or (under)standing of what is actually opening up and playing out in real time and within that I see and realize that this is how we create break ups instead of a bond and thus this has to become a point of STOPPING and a collective and permanent point of attention within our relationship as self responsibility for our behaviour and our self corrective application, also seeing/realizing that what we allow as partners within the dynamics of our relationships is an outflow of who we are as our emotional reactions as patterns that have not yet been corrected by us into practical and liveable behaviour within and as the reality of who we are within the reality of our relationship at this point and within that I forgive myself for not stopping myself and correcting myself within and as my energetic/emotional reactions when confronted with my partner in moments of conflict, seeing realizing that we as partners in a relationship have to get rid of our energetic states and get to a point of stability and clarity first before a situation, point of friction and/or conflict can be opened up and addressed in an emotional mature and constructive manner in order to prevent these moments from turning into a state of conflict, emotional chaos and a break up where I allow myself to end the relationship because of my self created possession as a state of hopelessness, where I give up in total regret as an unconscious reaction related to former relationship experiences I was also unable to direct.



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
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Day-54-2017-08-06

Postby mikelammers » 06 Aug 2017, 17:07

Mike you have no backbone!

I had this incident in my bathroom where I passed out and the consequences where more severe than I anticipated. Friday last week I had one of my appointments with my therapist because of problems with my spine. It’s a reoccurring thing. Partly because of how I (ab)used my body in relation to BMX and other sports in the past. But since I focussed more on walking my process within and as a relationship, I have never been without pain in my spine. Now I have and had problems in all areas of my spine for a long time. But as I started walking my relationship the points between my shoulder blades and in my neck started becoming real articulate. C1,C4,C5,C6. The C4 especially because it’s fitting in between soft bone that was actually deformed a few years ago where I was attacked from behind by someone very close to me who got possessed and hammer fisted me on exactly that C4 point. From that moment that C4 point was giving me permanent discomfort and radiating pain down and around my kidney area.

If C4 was hanging out and I didn’t correct that by going to my therapist the vertebrae above C4 and the area in my lower back would in time start to realign as well. It’s called ‘compensation’ (flagpoint*). During my relationship I always had pain in that area and I connected that pain to being shot in the back by someone I trusted with my life. Placed that within me as the ultimate betrayal of my trust and an act of cowardliness and so forth. So it became a point of blame. I never took the real effort of investigating this specific point into the nitty gritty walking my relationship. That area in my spine is connected to my neck, shoulders and arms so I connect this point with self expression and voicing myself in and around relationships.

In the past 7 months as I started to loose weight and walked into these challenges related to work my upper spine became more and more stable while pain started to manifest in my lower back. So my initial observation was that my lower back was compensating for what was going on in my upper spine. But the pain became worse and worse until it started manifesting in my SI joint. Now this is a different joint compared to the rest of the spine. SI is two long stretches of bone with a long contact surface connecting to the pelvis but no real joint construction as such. There is a lot of pressure on these joints so if they are out of alignment and a nerve gets squashed one will feel this without a doubt. That’s what happened. My SI went out of alignment to the left side and took L4 and L5 with-it. And this gave me lot’s of discomfort. Besides that I became tired real fast so I needed a lot of sleep to keep myself more or less stable. Now doing physical work in this condition (according to my therapist) is out of the question but I didn’t had that advice at that point and I had work to do. So I did photo shoots, drove around etcetera.

The problems became worse when I had to do a photo shoot in Germany where I had to drive more than 20 hours without air-conditioning in a small car. After like 6 hours my left buttock started radiating this painful numbness and within less than a few hours the backside of my left leg and my knee was in pain as well. Getting out of the car became painful and walking around with a camera in awkward positions only made it worse. The next day I drove home and the pain only got worse. Now all this time as these problems with my spine manifested, I was unable to really train or work out. And that has always been my stability point. If my mind starts fucking with me and I’m not able to do physical work or exercise it becomes very hard for me to remain stable.

Thormod did an awesome video where this point is addressed as well. This video was an eye opener for me and I’m so grateful that Tormod took the effort of sharing himself so openly. That was real support for me because it showed me a lot about myself and the dimensions within this point. To make a long story short. If I would have had a regular job instead of being self employed I would have called in sick the moment this pain in my lower back started manifesting. The problem is that I cannot call in sick. I would have to call myself… I don’t have insurance because it’s way to expensive. So its sort of a catch 22.

Video Here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-mBSqyGqkc

But within all of this I notice a pattern, a coping mechanism as a character I developed since high school. If resistance and discomfort get to a level where I start feeling depressed and hopeless because I cant time out and have to get shit done I will fall back on this character I call ‘Stuntman Mike’. I will use anger and frustration to produce adrenaline and use that as a suppressor to push through whatever physical discomfort. And people who don’t really knows me will not notice it. I’m fully aware it’s not supporting me and that it puts even more stress on my body but at these points in time I see no more alternatives except robbing a bank or something. And within all of this going on I didn’t really communicate with my partner that it was this bad.

Besides the mechanical damage and pain that is irreversible, my spine has become a reference point, a monitor of sorts. If something is shifting/changing in my reality my spine usually shifts with it. So it’s always an indicator that there is something going on. During the time leading up to events that blew up my relationship I was also struggling with work and being self employed. I connected this lower back pain to my struggle with work and money because I connect stability to my lower back. That was mostly the L4 vertebrae. Work and money as stability is so elementary because it influences everything because it’s hard-wired into everything I call my life. Witch isn’t a happy worry free life to be self-honest. Money is the fundamental point in this world and so over time it has become the fundamental point in my life.

Bernard ones stated that each one only represent one point. One point that we will defend with our lives. We will die for this one point if we belief it to be right. That that one point is like a puzzle to complete the mind fuck of consciousness that makes one feel important and have purpose. Each one will face this one point and either give it up and rebirth or die defending it.
Imagine--each being has only ever existed as one point--yes--just one--one sentence--one jailterm.

When we got to the one atom Gods--each existed as the past lives--only one point--one sentence--repeating itself over and over again--life after life--always forgetting.
Now I came across these statement yesterday and I noticed myself rising up in my chair because my ex partner pointed this out in the past as well but I could never place it in my reality in awareness of what it actually entails. I’m not sure if I can in this moment but my gut is telling me that it is time to start investigating this more specifically because there was such a strong physical reaction within me as I took in the words. Like something opened up inside. This feeling of having something on the tip of my tongue but nothing coming over my lips. A very strong awareness of my mind stepping in as well. Almost like this sound of a big door shutting with a loud echo! This is where I have my attention…

I can ask myself this question. What’s that one point? I will not be able to answer that question because the mathematician that programmed and encrypted this point made sure I wouldn’t be able to find it. So I asked myself the question: What am I not allowed to see as the key to revealing this point? And as simple as that question was was seeing the answer. SELF HONESTY. The one thing I avoided religiously in my life. Being self honest! The key to finding out who I am. Now for the first time in my life I’m making this connection between self honesty as action and relationships and regret! Within this I also see overlap and similarities regarding my ex partner. Without our relationship and what we walked I wouldn’t be able to see this in the first place.

So first of is self honesty in itself. Meaning taking responsibility for who I am totally but especially the hidden and suppressed versions of me. Tadaa! Response ability! Now ask anyone who knows me long enough and the first thing they will say is that taking responsibility is not part of Mikey’s behaviour. I'm one of the irresponsibles. It’s who I always pretended to be, what I projected outwards and became. This anti establishment artist, this creative, expressive, irresponsible, I don’t give a fuck, anti social, loud mouthed, adrenaline junkie. And it’s true. It's the reality I created for myself. But why did I do this? Somewhere a long the lines of: “well he’s nuts but aren’t all artists a bit nuts…”. It's one of the characters the system is more or less able to accept as nuts and still make some sense to people.

That’s the slot I decided to make my own in the beehive. I see a lot of people from my generation struggle with their lives in relation to our upbringing, our world views and how the world has changed. I desperately wanted to be normal and fit in but whatever I did I always came out at the same end. People I worked with and worked for where always satisfied with my moral and the way I committed to work and getting things done. Family and friends had a completely different opinion. So it’s quite understandable that my parents didn’t understand these apparent contradictions within how they experienced me and the contradictory feedback they got from so called figures of authority. I performed exceptionally when I was doing internships and was working with my hands and had to solve practical problems while in the past I had to do psychological tests because teachers had no clue as to why I wasn’t putting out better grades in school. And all he time there was this slumbering awareness that I was alone in all of this and this feeling never left me. Within that the term 'Generation X' was is used to classify my generation.

Generation X
the generation born after that of the baby boomers (roughly from the early 1960s to mid 1970s), typically perceived to be disaffected and directionless. Generation X has grown up with IT.

ORIGIN 1950s: in recent use popularized by Douglas Coupland in his novel Generation X (1991).

--

Disaffected
dissatisfied, especially with people in authority or a system of control: a military plot by disaffected elements in the army.

ORIGIN mid 17th cent.: past participle of disaffect, originally in the sense ‘dislike or disorder’, from dis- (expressing reversal) + affect2.

--

Disaffect
make (someone) dissatisfied, especially with people in authority or a system of control; alienate: what these ads do is disaffect the voting public.

ORIGIN early 17th cent.: from dis- (expressing reversal) + affect2. The original sense was ‘dislike’.

--

Disorder |dɪsˈɔːdə|
a state of confusion

ORIGIN late 15th cent. (as a verb): alteration, influenced by order, of earlier disordain, from Old French desordener, ultimately based on Latin ordinare ‘ordain’.


- Directionless
- Disaffected
- Dislike (also disliked)
- Dissatisfied, especially with people in authority or a system of control
- Alienate
- Disorder

And that sums up the primary programs that make up the angry artist aka stuntman Mike.

I made these components into me as I got more feedback from my environment I slowly but surely started identifying myself with these points. Because the feedback I got from people in this reality, be it school related, work related or hobby related, always classified and judged me in relation to one or several of these points. He’s a very expressive child BUT… And then some pseudo psychological conclusion would be projected unto me.

Now beneath this all is a great sense of insecurity as fear related to moments in my early youth related to seeing disturbing things in this world and not getting any real perspective on the matter when I asked people I considered figures of authority including my parents about these things. But that insecurity or fear within me was nothing more than seeing for real how fucked up my world really is. And I was very intimidated by the world. If you have no voice and at the same time are not able to make sense of the world you live in, what do you do? You seek comfort, a safe place in whatever form. My safe place, as I see it now was within physical activity, preferably outside and with my BMX bike involved. Without BMX I would probably not have survived. The insecurity and fear that is permanently with me only disappears when I'm on my bike or doing something extreme and physical. So I got addicted to that feeling. It was my place of comfort and solitude.

Directionless
As in, no self direction, no clarity, no understanding, not seeing, no context, no focus point, selective in what I accepted as authority in my life (it had to suit me!) and not willing to commit to things I judged as normal related to people and events in my life.

Disaffected
I had only one truth, my truth. I was in this alone and I was superior (and shit scared and insecure of coarse), I wouldn’t and couldn’t accept authority without extreme energetic reactions within me, I was reacting energetic to everything anyhow, I couldn’t participate in normal social activities with other children. I tried and managed more or less but I always ended up outside the ‘circle of trust’! The weird one that is not participating and reading comics instead of participating with other kids on a birthday party. Children where fascinated as they where reluctant to really be my friends.

Dissatisfied
The more I was confronted with these points the more dissatisfied I became with my reality and especially the people in it. Any chance I got I would try to hide myself and run away from my responsibilities in some sort of spectacular fashion. I had to get it my way always and within that I experienced little to no resistance as a child. But as I grew older these patterns as personalities as entities grew as well. In some weird way I’m now starting to see those situations I created in my life as the breadcrumbs I left behind for myself to maybe find my way back. This feeling of dissatisfaction and irritation has never left me EVER! On top of that it’s also in my DNA. The family from my mothers side all have this undercurrent in their expression of being dissatisfied all the time. Expressing itself as wining, complaining and blaming others for their dissatisfaction! And within that the concept of self-responsibility and self-honesty as behaviour is completely non present. The expression of dissatisfaction on the other hand is present in almost every refraction of behavior within that family. I’m half of that on DNA level so that explains one or two things.

I Dislike
Being negative, Judging people, compartmentalizing people, always expecting the worse, it’s not cool, it’s not good, it should be done in a different way, I know better, let me fucking show it to you, fighting for limitations as excuses for not having to change anything within and as me whatsoever, not able to deal with critique, tons of self judgement, insecurity, distorted self image, behaving grumpy and agitated, always projecting. A volcano spewing out negativity as judgement on the world and everything that’s wrong with it (without taking any self responsibility for my role within this reality).

I Alienate
The practical way of making sure I’m not even asked or invited to become more than I am within relationships and friendships with others. I alienated myself just enough to never be in that position of having to stand up or take responsibility within a relationship. Eventually everybody who tried gave up because I was to alien in my behaviour. People felt more or less ashamed having me in their presence so that worked perfectly. I alienated myself specifically. Meaning with some people I did it more than with others in order to create relationships so I would look somewhat normal. All that to make sure I got what I wanted out of the relationship without having to change my behaviour too much and create that safe space I needed to be alone without to much responsibility for others or myself in my life.

I realize that I hurt a lot of people who could have been really good friends up to this day by doing this. This point is very prominent in my life because al other points serve this purpose. Alienate, myself so I become an alien so I don’t have to associate myself with the rest so I can be a-part from the rest and dwell in my own lonely universe of dissatisfaction and confirm to myself that it’s all out there and not within me. That I’m a-part instead of part-off. What would have happened if someone had taken me under his or her wings to guide me within these points as a child? My potential would have been activated and by now I know that that was not the plan because I can make a lot of noise and doing that within and as my potential was not part of the plan. I always judged myself as not intelligent or intellectual but at the same time I saw myself doing all this stuff that required rational thinking and problem solving skills. No problem, let’s just accept and suppress that as part of the disorders psychologists placed on me. I’m crazy as hell anyway so let’s be mad witch gets me to the next point.

I Disorder
I diss orders. I accepted and allowed myself to become the definition of this word in peoples perception of me. And it worked like a charm up to this moment sitting here writing. Who wants to be associated with someone who has a disorder, is weird, different, confronting, present, nasty, spiky, rude, aggressive, spiteful, secretive, over active, talks too much, doesn’t perform, unsuccessful, unstable, unpredictable and so forth? Only the other weird ones in this world found me because likes attracts likes. That’s where you end up in an mental institute or in art school with all the other so called misfits and artists that apparently have no functional place in society. Perfect, another confirmation. I was weird thus special.

It came to a point where I saw myself manipulating someone during a job interview when I was asked to tell something about myself and I started enthusiastically summing up all these so called negative labels people had put on me over the years as these disorders. In the mean time pretending I was not affected by them at all in a very self confident, laughable and absolute manner. I then turned the whole thing around and showed the person my portfolio of work saying: “and this is what this lunacy produced”. And so I sold myself as the complete package and this person had no other choice than to hire me. However, I drove this person nuts eventually so he had to fire me as well. Another reason for me to be even more disaffected with the world and people in it. And that behaviour became worse and worse over the years.

And here the Latin root of the word ‘disorder as in ‘ordinary’ says it all. I’m no different. I’m not special. In fact, my behaviour makes me one of the most ordinary people in this world. Fucked and programmed to eventually give up and give in. I have made myself the practical example that stands for deviant behaviour as the symbol for behaviour that is not going to get you anywhere in this world. I’m here as the polarity point of ‘ordinary’ in order to scare people away from behaving to critical or maybe try a different approach. I stand as a scarecrow for those kind of people. The living proof that you better stick to what works or you will end up like him=me. People use people like me as an example of what not to do with your life if you plan on becoming successful in some form or another. And I have accepted and allowed myself to become the looser, justifying al my spitefulness towards success, successful people and money within that. And within that I see my ex partner as someone who did exactly the opposite in her life...

So back to my flagpoint.

“Compensation”.

Defined as ‘the process of concealing or offsetting a psychological difficulty by developing in another direction from latin from the verb compensare ‘weigh against’. Painful to see this within but all I have ever done since I can remember. Concealing my psychological difficulties by creating a counterweight as another direction, another me! How is that for being self honest? Within that I see the confronting and simple truth Bernard addressed as well.
The words we speak are not knowledge--it is the unfortunate circumstances of our lineage programmed into us as a body of the past that integrated as the physical that we do not even see until we are challenged with sex or war or conflict--then the truth emerge.

Intelligence is the ability to analyze the environment and use the subconscious of each other to manipulate each other's behaviors--and when we apparently allow some-one their shit--we call it love to suppress the fact that we have no idea what is really going on.

The only way we feel important is to present things in ways not to cause each other discomfort--because self honesty and common sense is discomfort-the only guideline we have is to listen to each other and see how this program at a physical level works--because each one is a particle of the consciousness design of existence as the oneness of the program and each functions as only a small part of it--and each will have to take responsibility for the small part that has become the living flesh that perpetuate this atrocity called life hidden behind the veneer called love. We cannot listen to knowledge that has no idea how consciousness is being created--then we remain enslaved as life eating viruses that consume existence as we have done for eternity.

We are not all equal to life--we are equal to consciousness--and consciousness are the thought we have about life-- the person we are in life-- the excuses we have why we accept this as life--We are not one as life--we are one as knowledge and intelligence--constructs that exist in the realm of the system--in the realm of the program--we are this-- and when we say most will not get this--understand that in PLAY was placed that which will support all to get this--to really become the actual physical--and when the actual physical speaks, or writes--or breathes--no thinking ever--you have turned the corner and all will begin revealing--as long as thinking exist--it is all just a reflection and we will find it shifts all the time.
More to come!



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
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Day-55-2017-08-08

Postby mikelammers » 08 Aug 2017, 12:06

SF on reacting to being told I have no backbone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my partner speaking the words: “Mike you have no backbone” to moments in my life where people where judging me in relation to not being able to stand in situations of stress and conflict seeing realizing that these judgements are projections of other persons based on what they see, think and feel and within that I realize that they cannot see the totality of me because these judgements are not who I am and within that I forgive myself for judging people the same way by not basing my judgments on people and situations on the always underlying question ‘why’?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regularly push my body too far as in over the edge in relation to overcoming physical resistance in life, work and sports in the past as an addiction to personal success and rewards as a drug in order to proof to myself I can do it, not seeing realizing that I’m actually doing the opposite by allowing myself to behave self destructive just to feel alive and by doing so compensate for feeling like a depressed zombie in daily life and within that compromise my own support as my physical stability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect pain in my spine to my ex partner to being physically abused in the past not aware of the extreme rage I still suppress inside towards the persons who bullied me in the past and within that judge and place my partner as a bully as one of those people I would kill if I allowed the real raw experience of myself within being bullied in the past to take control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay in this relationship with the mercenary I created and hid within myself in order to be able to eventually take revenge on bullies in the most brutal way possible and within that justify that by thinking - if this is what you give than this is what you shall receive - and within that I see and realize that my partner would eventually be confronted with the outflow of my past as how I would start to express myself in our relationship within and as the high school shoot outs and other mass killings as the consequence of children who are bullied and no longer able to control their rage and within that I forgive myself for not seeing and underestimating the scope and potential disaster my suppressed emotions and feelings related to being bullied really represented

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to underestimate (as the ultimate understatement) the real raw experience of myself being bullied in the past and within that the profound impact these events had on all aspects of my life and who I have become as the totality of me as the way I behaved in relationships

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect physical discomfort related to instability of my spine to how I behaved in the past in situations of conflict to being attacked from behind to my partner to a pre programmed concept of trust as in: ‘someone I trusted with my life’ and ‘the ultimate betrayal of my trust’ and so forth, seeing realizing that those are concepts of trust in my mind and cannot be trusted and within that I see realize and understand that real trust can only develop from self trust based on self honesty and the real physical experience of myself here and that my betrayal of trust starts with participating and reacting to feelings and emotions within, seeing realizing that this is the moment I start separating myself by co creating a situation of conflict where I give up and turn my back on my partner witch resulted in getting hammer fisted from behind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect physical discomfort and pain related to my spine to the absurd concept of ’you don’t shoot someone in the back’ seeing realizing that the mind is always at war and in war everything is allowed as long as I win and within that I see that ‘being shot in the back by someone I trusted with my life’ is but a dramatized re[act]ion I created to start a war with my partner and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and convince myself that ‘if she does this once it will happen twice’ and within that I see myself accepting and allowing myself to fear the future if my partner is in it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect memories of experiences where I was helpless and being attacked by bullies to me and my partner in moments of conflict and within that I forgive myself for allowing myself to in moments of conflict with my partner fall back on preprogrammed and thus automated reactions where I try to escape the experience of myself within by allowing myself to react as a flee or fight response within and as the comfort zone I created where I don’t have to confront myself with and open up this point as the opportunity it presents to change my behaviour within and as the process of walking and diffusing/disconnecting this point with my partner in order to prevent myself from recreating these moments again and again as my automated responses related to being bullied in the past

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my partner as a coward and not allow myself to forgive my partner for attacking me in the past because I connect being attacked from behind to my morality construct of ‘a coward’ to permanent physical damage to what I believe to be ‘an unforgivable act’ and within that hold myself prisoner by not changing my relationship to my past because I believe ‘it’s unforgivable’ and within that hold my partner responsible for the discomfort and pain related to my spine instead of taking self responsibility for what is here as the manifested consequence as the two of us as our relationship for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become half of the problem within creating moments of conflict with my partner because I was not able to change my automated behaviour related to how I deal with moments of conflict within relationships and thus allowed myself to become the creator of these moments again and again as my automated responses related to being bullied in the past

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself and hide myself behind anger and rage instead of stopping myself in moments of conflict with my partner and share the real experience of myself within that moment with my partner related to me being bullied/abused in the past and within that allow myself to become a bully/abuser myself

More to come



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
Contact:

Day-56-2017-08-09

Postby mikelammers » 09 Aug 2017, 15:59

More SF on having no backbone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress instead of confront myself and investigate the raw experience of myself as my energies and reactions coming up within me in moments of conflict with my partner, seeing realizing that the way I react is automated and specifically related to how I programmed myself to deal with conflict in the past and within that seeing realizing that I do whatever it takes to avoid the raw experience of myself here as my flee or fight response and panic in moments of conflict in intimate relationships and within that I forgive myself for allowing myself to connect moments of conflict to being bullied as a child and within that allow myself to hide the true experience of myself behind a reaction of anger and rage like a scared dog that is attacked by the pack instead of stopping myself and allow myself to open this point up in self honesty with my partner seeing realizing that this is a pattern, a coping mechanism I have used all my life because I was unable to cope with this experience of myself and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to ‘this way’ as the ‘only way’ seeing realizing that there are ‘other ways’ that I never managed to apply because they where not part of what I practically walked and learnt to apply in this life within and as real physical experience thus compromising myself every time I find myself falling back on this coping mechanism and allow myself to become and behave like a bully/abuser myself

When see myself falling back on this coping mechanism in moments of conflict I stop and breath because I realize that I’m overreacting and dropping ship not allowing myself to see these moments as an opportunity to really change how I behave in situations of conflict in the same way I have taken on so many other points in my life, seeing realizing that this point is no different but simply one of the bigger more complex projects I am facing in my life and within that I realize this will take time and patience like the other processes I walked in my life, not only for me but with my partner as well and within that I realize I have to make sure to construct ways to make this work for me and my partner and within that I commit myself to become aware of reactions within myself within relationships related to fear of conflict and to stop myself and not accept or allow myself to fall back on these coping mechanism that eventually alienate people I have an intimate relationship with, simply because I refuse to trust myself and push myself to the best of my abilities to control my reactions and activate my potential to change myself here in real time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confuse intimacy between me and my partner with privacy and within doing that allowed myself to not address and open up potential points I see exist within me that cause friction and conflict between me and my partner and within that I forgive myself for not giving my partner the best possible starting point to assist me but instead allowed myself to make my partner the projection screen and lightning conductor for my anger and rage related to unresolved issues within myself related to being bullied as a child within and as the mechanism I use to alienate people that come to close for ‘comfort’ seeing realizing that this is not me being comfortable here in the physical but the war zone within and as part of my mind I accepted and allowed to become my comfort zone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not use my relationships as the relatively safe space to explore my inner conflict related to being bullied in the past as this war zone I believe to be my comfort zone and do what I can to enable myself to take this point on with my partner constructively in small steps and thus train myself to practically change the way I approach myself in these moments of friction and conflict instead of turning them into possessions and moments of total chaos and destruction because I allow myself to re-act instead of act.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this point of friction and conflict related to being bullied in the past is to vast and painful to take on seeing myself screwing myself and my partners with this point in every relationship in the past and then use this fact as an excuse to convince myself I’m not able to become a permanent part within a relationship seeing realizing that within this point I seldom dared to do things differently and really change the relationship with myself thus with others and within doing so didn’t allow myself to disconnect myself from this reactive pattern of fear and anger I use to sabotage self-change in situations of conflict with my partner by bailing out and turning my back on her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the discomfort and pain related to my spine to the rest of my body to self expression and voicing myself in and around relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take the perspectives given to me by medical specialists into consideration as opportunities to become more aware of how I have abused and abuse my body as a coping mechanism to deal with trauma related to being bullied in the past

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to the effects of sports and training as the way to stabilize myself when my mind starts fucking with me and within that use that as an excuse to not confront myself and change myself if I’m not able to do physical work or exercise

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being self employed and having no insurance because it’s way to expensive is a catch 22 and within my inner dialogue use this point as an argument to avoid looking for other ways or options I have to walk myself out of this self created prison of hopelessness, fear and doubt related to conflict and friction in relationships seeing realizing that it starts with seeing and addressing the friction and conflict within the relationship I have with myself first

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my fear of getting sick or not able to perform to being self employed and money and within doing so convince myself I cannot change, seeing realizing that this is my reaction as inferiority as my fear to take self responsibility connected to fear of authority where I sabotage myself by convincing myself I don’t have the authority to lead myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect not having a financial safety net to fear of getting sick to fear of loosing control to fear of money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand I have constructed a coping mechanism as total suppression as compensation I express as anger and rage because I was unable to understand or make sense of the situations and myself going through the experience of being bullied in high school and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing becoming aware of the severe consequences this had on the way I handled myself and behaved in relationships as I developed into adulthood and the effects this had on intimate relationships I developed and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe this is me, this is who I am and that relationships are simply a question of finding another person that ‘matches’ instead of asking myself in self honesty if this is who I want to be and if this is the person I want to walk with? Seeing realizing that this question requires self honesty and within that I now see realize and understand what self honesty entails within and as the foundation of self intimacy thus intimacy with other people in relationships

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a state of despair, depression and hopelessness when I cant time out in times of stress because I have to get shit done and within that allow myself to fall back on this character I call ‘Stuntman Mike’ where I will use anger and frustration to produce adrenaline and use that as a suppressor to push through whatever physical discomfort or resistance related to the stress I allow myself to experience instead of allowing myself to breath and slow myself down as me here in order to stabilize myself so I don’t put more stress on my body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my lower back pain to my struggle with work and money because I allow myself to connect stability to money to my lower back and within that allow myself to define work and money as stability thus making money the fundamental point in my life not seeing realizing that my relationship with money is based in fear and thus doomed to fail from the start

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid the point of self-honesty religiously in my life out of fear of change, seeing realizing that self-honesty is the key to revealing al my fears I allow to keep me enslaved in this version of myself and within that I see realize and understand that to free myself and change myself for real is to release myself from the relationships I allow myself to have with these fears and within that I see realize and understand that this can only be done if the actions I take are based in self honesty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disconnect self honesty within and as my actions and behaviour from relationships and regret thus making my starting point within relationships a point of regret thus a reference point of self limitation in the past and within that I see myself not taking responsibility for myself in the present and thus the way the relationship will develop in the future and within that I now see how I have been creating the repetitive patterns and events that prevented me and my partner to move towards each other

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my relationships for granted and within that allowed myself to ‘hang back’ and by doing so refused to give myself clarity through writing and self forgiveness out of fear for change thus not allowing myself to reveal to myself the similarities and overlap me and my partner share regarding our past and within that I forgive myself for not taking the effort to come to a clear understanding and standing within myself regarding myself as the real physical reality and challenges I am facing within and as the total sum that is the relationship I have with my partner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave like a spoiled child within my relationships

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and live as a character as a compromise a long the lines of: “well he’s nuts but aren’t all artists a bit nuts…” in order to be accepted by the system not seeing realizing that this character was created by me thus a part of me but not me thus self limitation as a construct I used to prevent myself from ever becoming more than I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust my parents and hide myself behind characters I played believing that my parents didn’t understood me regarding these apparent contradictions within me and within that placed them as a thread and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing and understanding that they where also abused within this point as children through the smokescreens that where used by so called figures of authority to prevent them from seeing more thus able to ask questions based on what was really playing out regarding themselves and within that I forgive myself for using my parents confusion to manipulate them within and as the consistent schizophrenic behaviour I used to create confusion to get things my way always

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to label myself as Generation X and and identifying myself with and use the personality components within the dictionary definition of Generation X to project an image people in the system could more or less relate to instead of becoming completely repulsive towards me so I would have relationships of sorts with those people as hiding places for myself in the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become directionless, disaffected, disliked and dissatisfied with people of authority and or systems of control and by identifying myself with these points alienated myself from other people as the character I embraced as ‘the angry artist’ a.k.a. stuntman Mike

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept multiple versions of myself by listening to and obeying the voices in my head and within that I forgive myself for never questioning myself in relation to these voices in my head as to ‘who’ they were and where they came from thus giving my power of self control away and let the voices in my head as the mind determine who I am and how to deal with my reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take others people judgements and the labels they put on me serious without investigating for myself why people do this and what I resonated so people where triggered to do this and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify with these judgements as who I am and if they where true.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to instead of investigate points of authority in this world in relation to how I want to define and live authority based on self honesty in my life and within that use my ability to change to establish a new relationship with authority starting with my own authority as the author of my life instead of giving into insecurity as fear related to moments in my early youth related to seeing disturbing things in this world and not getting any real perspective from people I considered figures of authority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my physical body as this character because I was not able to make sense of the world around me in high school thus creating a coping mechanism instead of a solution as a safe place and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that without BMX or other extreme physical activities I’m not able to stabilize my mind and cannot survive and within that I forgive myself for becoming an adrenaline junkie

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conceal my psychological difficulties by creating excuses as counterweights and distractions as procrastination and doubt, seeing realizing that this is self limitation and no self support whatsoever

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget and not keep in mind that we are all sentenced to jail within this system as the mind, seeing realizing that if I allow myself to stay in place I will repeat myself as this placement over and over again as this preprogrammed point in existence



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
Contact:

Day-57-2017-08-10

Postby mikelammers » 10 Aug 2017, 14:41

Back to work

I have been writing every day for the past few weeks. I got up early and just started writing about my experiences in relationships. Besides that I have to work on some projects as well. Got to make some money. I got up between 6-7 in the morning and sat myself down. Now the initial plan was to write from 7-9 and than pick up my daily work. The evenings would be reserved for doing my DIP Lite. The point of most resistance is where I can progress faster so I also decided to write in English because I picked up my DIP Lite as well and that’s also done in English. My English is rusty because I haven’t been writing in that language for quite some time. So I started confidently.

Now the first few days I would write and after a certain amount of time I would look on he clock and see that I was way past the deadline of 10.00 o clock I set for myself. Sometimes a point opens up and I start investigating that point by writing out everything that comes up within me regarding that point. I almost forgot how fascinating this process can be because sometimes it’s almost like magic. I sit here and I write and then I read back what flowed out of me and the words and sentences seem to be all messed up. In the past I would judge myself for this within the point of not being able to communicate what came up in me in a clear and understandable way. But I looked at this point before I started writing and I prepared myself for it by simply calling these initial writings the rough draft. I would only have to take the effort of rewriting it by creating structured sentences that contained the essence of what I wanted to communicate with myself. So this was the task I set out for myself. I trust myself enough to know that I will be able to filter my writings and identify what it is I’m trying to communicate with myself and ad structure later to what flowed out of me before. DIP Lite is also essential within this because it gave me the format and focus points to stay on it!

Reading what I have been writing the past few weeks I see myself struggling with finding the words to describe what I wanted to clarify for myself. I also noticed I was still judging myself for the way I write myself out in moments I was restructuring. That confrontation was actually very supportive because I sort of saw this pattern in my writing where I would be on to something and as more words came to paper I saw myself going in all directions with it. Now I used to judged myself for this. But let’s be self honest here! I’m not writing myself out for some magazine or other people. I’m writing for me as me and that’s how I checked myself within my writings. The moment I stopped writing about me and the experience of myself I would flag point that passage to remind myself to stay focussed on the specific point I was writing about. And it took a few days before I realized I was doing something I actually learned from my experience within walking my relationship. I actually listened and applied myself based on what was revealed within the process instead of writing about myself within the process. Within that I see that I used to write in a way that prohibited me from seeing and addressing points. Perhaps that was the real point of frustration and resistance I experienced in the past when I had to push myself to write. I wasn’t writing for myself. I was writing because I had to write. After a few days I saw that I was actually starting to get more to the point. The more I was writing the more I was pushing myself to stay on point and look for ‘specifics’. Not allowing myself to be inspired by my own writings and divert from subjects. And that was a big relief. I saw that what I faced in relationships however painful it was is faced by others as well so I realized I was not doing this only for me. So I let go of my self judgement and also decided to share these writings the forum.

But I ran into some problems I knew would present themselves. It was the time it took to get to some clarity within my writings. I have judged myself extensively in the past for not being able to voice myself here in clarity immediately. It even came to a point where writing took so much time and I got so frustrated that I stopped simply because of the resistance I created to writing. This was mainly related to not being able to integrate writing into my daily responsibilities and the time I have available. The same thing was happening again where I started writing and it took me 4-6 hours to more or less write myself out and than the day becomes too short to get my other work done. So here I am asking myself how to tackle this in a self supportive way and the options I have to do this?

I concluded that I’m going to have to brake the writing process up into pieces more and divide them over those two hours a day I reserved for myself. So I might not be able to post on the forum every day but I will be able to keep at it without compromising my writing in the sense that I write to give myself clarity and a better understanding of who I am within how I deal with this reality and that includes how I approach that process. I opened up the point of self honesty within how I make decisions and how I apply myself and what encourages me to keep at it like this. It’s seeing myself being able to be self honest within the decisions I make. It might sound strange but that experience is actually new to me.

I committed myself to become more effective in my writing and I can see that I will be if I focus on writing as myself here and not let my mind wander of if I read something of myself and judge it as interesting or fascinating. I try to catch myself within those moments and bring the specific observation back to the point/subject I am writing about. It sounds simple and obvious but as a practical application this in new to me and very refreshing and supportive. I can actually do it. The point I see within this is that I learned the basics of how to do this within my relationship by doing it as the relationship. I mean it’s not like my relationship was only a disaster. Although one might get that impression reading about it. I have to give a lot of credit to my partner within this because she pushed herself to the limit to point these things out and give me perpective. If she wouldn’t have done that I wouldn’t be sitting here writing. She enabled me to have that experience because I took her serious enough as a partner!

Relationship or no relationship, whatever label I want to put on my present situation, one thing is for sure. My relationship and my partner have supported me hugely to get to this point (and a gazillion others). It has given me and gives me the opportunity to actually take myself by the balls in a way I wasn’t able to a few years ago and I’m grateful beyond words for that. I now have physical proof. I can verify it for myself. I can give myself some credit as well as see where I didn’t perform to the best of my abilities. The strange thing about walking a large part of this process with a partner is that in time she sort of became a voice on my shoulder. There where countless moments where I had doubts or wasn’t sure of myself. Often I would ask myself the question: what would she do? And I would hear the answer within myself in her voice tonality or in her expression. And although the answers weren’t always a direct solution, the fact I became aware of myself more in daily reality and stopped myself in certain moments and asked myself questions was a quantum leap compared to how I used to go about my daily affairs. Now the changes in my life and how I have changed where obviously not enough to keep the relationship on coarse but let’s be real here. That’s the fucking risk I had to take anyway and I would make the same decision again without thinking twice. Relationships can be the safest places to implode and face the mess we are in. They can also be places where reality becomes distorted to a point nothing makes any sense. But that’s the whole point and one can only draw conclusions in retrospect. One is never stable all the time so even when relationships are more or less stable, one thing is for sure. There will be blood sooner or later. Points will open up. Shit will have to be faced and sometimes the drain get’s clocked. What I see in absolute clarity is how my relationship supported me to get to the nitty gritty of all my relationships and how I was able to sabotage myself to the point of self destruction within it because I refused to embrace all of me and bring that into a relationship in a way my partner was able to deal with.

And this is an important point because one simply doesn’t now what ‘all’ is one brings into a relationship. I had an Idea and I had a lot of doubts. The decision to walk our relationship together was made against the backdrop of the potential we ‘saw’ was there. We are both not capable of seeing inter dimensionally so it’s simply impossible to predict what will happen and how we are going to deal with reality. Eventually it comes down to how much one can handle and direct in a given situation and within that I have seldom allowed myself to literally be self honest and direct myself by adjusting my ambitions in the right direction. The most important lesson I learned is the devastating effect possessions can have on relationships. Wether you walk an agreement or a ’normal’ relationship. We all have possessions every day in some form or another. Every time we face resistance or friction there is this moment of energy a reacting or a reaction. To me these energies belong to the nuclear arsenal that lie at the base of a potential possession and that’s what we all carry into relationships. From my experience within relationships its possible to handle a small nuclear test together. It becomes devastating when I start using nuclear powers against myself by allowing myself to become totally possessed. One could be lucky and have a partner who has a military background and is used to this process of being stripped from ones preprogrammed and perceived personality through intense and painful day by day confrontations, point by point and layer by layer. And maybe from experience be capable of standing unaffected as a point of authority, but that’s seldom the case in reality. If you start a relationship with a person even if the choice of going into that relationship is based on a thorough screening of compatibility. There will always be the ‘unexpected’ and I can say this with certainty because that’s what the relationship will eventually become. It will become a sequence of unexpected positive and negative events. The sequence will speed up and these events will present themselves faster and faster. Within this the point of complexity presents itself and thus the possibility of leapfrogging over apparent small events because we are now starting to focus on these unexpected events that are apparent and big and obviously important.

And within that I failed to see that this leapfrogging was actually me and my partner allowing ourselves to ignore the small nuclear explosions thinking that the unexpected events on the ‘battlefield’ where more important and needed more attention. Eventually though, the accumulation of all these small explosions added up to one big nuclear possession. So if there is one thing I should tattoo on my forehead it’s that I can never allow myself to ignore the seemingly small moments of friction. The body language, that witch is not spoken, that witch is not shared. The seemingly easy stuff that we face every day. I underestimated the power of multiplication. The fact that small drops will eventually fill the bucket. And that focussing on the bucket is the last thing I should be doing. In the past I would probably be depressed and lethargic for at least a year but I see this is not what is happening now. I’m not fine with this situation. It’s definitely not what I expected or wanted for myself but here it is in all its nasty glory. And that’s what it is for me at this point. A fact of life in my life as my life. A point in time like all other points. It’s what I have to take responsibility for so I better face it and complete my walk, otherwise it would all be just another story I made up to feel good about myself. However I start to see what Bernard meant by ‘the correct approach to relationship-agreements’: “That one must walk the cutting-edge of time and within that realize that a relationship-agreement is two people agreeing to be together for the benefiting of both, finding out each other’s Strengths and placing this together so the Relationship becomes 1+1=2 and not 1+1=1, which is the ‘Love-Relationship' thing where both are lost within a feeling and there is no practical reality and you are not in fact becoming two or more walking. We become just another name for ‘love’. Nothing more than the sweetness of the lollipop or the sugar pills we got when they tried to control us to do what they wanted us to do. And the System is doing Exactly the Same”.

As this relationship was added to my reality the polarity experience within myself regarding the development of the relationship and developing myself professionally became a point I not only struggled with but was unable to direct effectively. However, I’m forever grateful my partner stood with me for so long because I’m now able to see myself within this and thus able to get to this point in time and experience for myself how this all actually played out in my reality. Again, without walking this process with a partner I would not be here writing this and I’m forever thankful for that.

To be continued



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
Contact:

Day-58-2017-08-12

Postby mikelammers » 12 Aug 2017, 15:56

A painful conclusion

My partner wanted to have me in her life as a more permanent presence. Being more involved in everything and becoming more like a part of the family. So what I failed to see is that If my partner wants to change the starting point of the relationship than the relationship needs redefining. A process that would have included the totality of us and our realities within a new agreement anyhow!!!

Common sense and a very simple conclusion I could have drawn if I would have taken the time to process that question and allow myself to come to that conclusion. But I completely missed that point and instead chose to do next to nothing when my partner confronted me with that invitation. And I did nothing out of fucking fear and did not express and share with my partner what came up in me that moment. Why wasn’t I aware of this simple equation the moment the question was asked and why did it take so long to get to a point of clarity within this?

As I see it now, I missed a moment of opportunity that would have allowed us to redefine our relationship and bring it to the next level as a new process that starts. But instead of using this opportunity as an educational moment for myself I allowed myself to react in fear and screw with myself and make assumptions and projections in my head that eventually lead to me becoming possessed with anger and rage witch lead to a brake up of our relationship. Within that I see and realise that I have created the opposite of what I actually want. And that is a crying shame to say the least.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel claustrophobic within my relationship seeing realizing I was struggling to express myself with words and within those moments allowed myself to believe that I was not able to communicate clearly and within that allowed myself to feel inferior and claustrophobic instead of simply pushing myself knowing that walking this relationship is supporting myself to change my behaviour and build my vocabulary and within that I see and realize that this is a process that takes time and within that process mistakes will be made and within that I forgive myself to fear making mistakes seeing realizing that how we learn is by making mistakes until we get it right and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior to my partner because she has more vocabulary than me seeing realizing that I’m able to express myself with less words while I’m building my own vocabulary

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I’m not able to see what common sense is by judging common sense as some form of higher intelligence that I do not possess and within that I forgive myself for allowing myself to place my definition of common sense as a higher form of intelligence and thus myself as a lower intelligence and within that I forgive myself for judging myself inferior to people with common sense

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give more value to my definition of intelligence as a rich vocabulary instead of finding out for myself what it is I have to say and say it in my own words and within that I forgive myself for not taking the effort of redefining the word ‘intelligence’ in relation to having a ‘rich vocabulary’ in order to create a clear starting point for how I want to write and express myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate the implications and consequences of walking my life with someone else in a relationship from the starting point of an agreement seeing realizing that this relationship is not going to be comparable to former relationships thus is going to be a confrontation with myself that will show me how I have behaved in relationships before and within that I forgive myself for not doing my utmost to make this relationship the safe space we both need to be able to see how we ended up in these versions of ourselves within relationships and from there enable ourselves to redefine the present relationship by changing how we act within it and towards each other as our physical behaviour and within that I forgive myself for taking failure and making mistakes in relationships personal instead of the obvious consequences of my choice to be in this relationship thus as the unknown challenges I chooses to face and redirect and the within that I forgive myself for not taking full responsibility for the immature behaviour I displayed towards my partner as my incompetence to resolve moments of friction and conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the true experience of myself when my partner told me about experimenting with other men after our previous agreement fell and within that I forgive myself for believing everyone is replaceable thus I am replaceable and within that I forgive myself for feeling and behaving inferior not seeing realizing that this agreement is with myself in the first place and that me standing with myself is where I have to be and within that I forgive myself for comparing myself to these men I don’t even know and within that not investigate and focus on the role I played in creating this situation where my partner decides to date other men

I forgive myself for mindfucking myself into thinking that placing myself in a superior position in relation to other men might somehow compensate how I feel about myself not seeing realizing I’m creating feelings and emotions instead of solutions for myself in relation to my agreement and the person I want to be in agreement with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite my agreement partner inside my head because I allowed to suppress anger and frustration that came up when she told me she slept with other men soon after our agreement fell for the first time and within that I forgive myself for judging her actions as severely pathetic and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not writing myself out at that point and forgive myself and share the true experience of myself with my partner in relation to her dating other men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak out and share my feelings and emotions in relation to these other men the moment my partner came back into my life to redefine the agreement and within that I forgive myself for not cleaning my part of the slate completely in relation to my partners behavior in relation to other men and how I want to live an agreement in relation to other women

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that by not cleaning the slate completely when we decided to restart our agreement I created the seed for conflict regarding my unresolved emotional relationships and my inner conflict related to my partner and other men, her ex husband and her expression of superiority towards men in general

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect my partners expression, behaviour and opinions of superiority towards mens with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my backchat place myself as expandable after my partner told me she slept with other men and within that I forgive myself for judging my partner as a ‘brainwashed consumer’ who when not satisfied, simply buys a different product because one can and within that I forgive myself for judging my partner for not having the self commitment to stick to our relationship seeing realizing that judging her as a ‘brainwashed consumer’ with no self commitment is me reacting jealously and within that I forgive myself for judging myself/placing myself as a disposable product and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave like a disposable product that can be easily replaced like those other men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act cool and collected towards my partner after she told me she slept with other men and within that suppress the true experience of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly accept authority from my agreement partner without asking myself and defining for myself what my point of authority and responsibility was within our agreement and within that I forgive myself for not trying to script my own agreement into the necessary specificity in relation to my own authority and my responsibilities towards my agreement and my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to naively think being in an agreement would be more comfortable and adventurous than being alone and within that not question the true motivations of myself into the nitty gritty in order to prepare myself in the best way possible before entering this relationship/agreement seeing realizing that my definitions of comfort and adventure at the time where projections and had nothing to do with our reality and my real my experience of practically walking this relationship/agreement with my partner based on self honesty and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior in relation to my agreement partner within the point of her walking with Desteni from the beginning and thus assuming she had a head start and within that allowed myself to assume I had to catch up seeing realizing that I allowed myself to feel ‘behind’ and thus introduce a point of stress as ‘having to catch up’ as competition thus polarity as a win/loose equation instead of just focussing on my own process and what I was physically able to do at that point without making projections into the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my process is comparable to that of other peoples seeing realizing that every person stands as a specific point and is thus walking specific points and within that I forgive myself for believing there is a predefined way or uniform timeline for everyone to get things done within process instead of seeing realizing that effectiveness within and as my physical action within my personal process is the only way to speed up process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior when my partner said she didn't want to introduce me to her friends as that would cause a stir in her environment and within that assume 'there was something she wanted to hide or was not telling me' and within that allowed myself to feel inferior and believe she had a second agenda and within that I forgive myself for creating my own agenda as a reaction instead of opening up this point and communicate it with my partner in order to create clarity for myself and each other within and as our agreement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I was able to deal with being physically attacked by my partner not seeing realizing that me being physically attacked is connected to past events and experiences within myself related to being bullied and feeling totally helpless and abandoned and within that I forgive myself for suppressing and hiding the true experience of myself behind my automated reaction of anger and rage as the coping mechanism I use to deal with being bullied

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect hearing my partner speak with a tonality of authority to being attacked

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I could deal with being physically attacked because I’m strong and able to deal with physical pain not seeing realizing that the way I deal with physical pain is in no way self honest and thus not supporting me to come to terms with myself regarding the unresolved trauma that is still residing within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to developed a pattern where I compensate my inner experience of insecurity by acting cool and collected within and as bravura the same way I did in high school in order to cope with groups of boys harassing me and within that compensate and project the true experience of myself as projected anger and rage towards my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act cool and collected when my partner threw an object at me at the same time feeling overwhelmed by fear and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shocked and betrayed by my partner and within that allowed myself to make the decision to leave instead of stabilizing myself and come to a clear understanding as to why my presence is able to trigger those reactions within my partner so my partner is eventually able to use my presence as a mirror for support instead of an additional point of stress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand the importance of stabilizing myself and to diffuse the energy related to the polarity that exists between me and my partner within our relationship as this emotional construct of feeling betrayed and helpless and wanting to leave, within that seeing realizing and understanding that these energies will compound into my body in order to posses me even more when I’m confronted with similar situations in the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the intensity of energy storms within and as my mind possession raging within me seeing realizing I have the tools to deal with them and that when I find myself possessed I can bring myself here by breathing, writing and speaking out my self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up on my partner and my agreement realizing that that is also giving up on myself within and as the process of accepting myself as all I am and all I can do to redefine what it means to destroy myself as the patterns of self abuse I have accepted and allowed to become and within that have to first realize what it entails to be in this process of deconstructing myself by going through these experiences in order reveal to myself and come to an understanding of how I ended up in this version of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my agreement feel like a member of the bomb squad and judge my partner as the explosive and within that assume to have a post traumatic stress syndrome connected to my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and suppress how I experienced myself within conflict with my partner in relation to bullying incidents in high school where I didn't want to loose and within that I forgive myself for choosing to fight or flee instead of stopping my participation within and as conflict thus enable myself to stop the chain of events created between me and my partner and prevent them from escalating into full blown possessions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat my partner as an opponent in combat that had to be beat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that underlying the problems of stability I faced within my relationship are my ’trust issues' and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that my partner was dealing with the same issues and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that getting an outsiders perspective within and as asking for assistance was available to us and would have given us the opportunity to move more effectively and probably would prevented these extreme situations from manifesting and escalating the way they did

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I become intimidated with my partner instead of focussing on keeping myself stable in her presence realizing that this agreement was in fact an abnormal situation from the get go and as such the norm or normal rules did not apply to a certain extend and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing I was interpreting and shifting the reality of my relationship between multiple definitions and experiences I had regarding relationships and within that I forgive myself for creating a lot of friction and conflict within myself instead of using this relationship as the opportunity to walk with my partner from a redefined and singular starting point in order to allow myself to become fearless within my relationships

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and my partner as 'intense' personalities and highly emotional and highly controlled and within that I forgive myself to connect control and conflict to my personal definitions and opinions about my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not diffuse energies related to the polarity between me and my partner through writing, self forgiveness and sex, seeing realizing that by doing so we are creating after effects of conflict that will lead to accumulation of more energy related to our past and within that I forgive myself for thinking I wasn’t able to deal with my partners anger issues that resulted in physical violence and within that I forgive myself for not taking control over myself in these situations through breathing, writing and self forgiveness



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
Contact:

Day-59-2017-08-14-regarding the agreement with myself

Postby mikelammers » 14 Aug 2017, 09:56

NOTE TO SELF

Dear Mike,

I would appreciate it if you take the time to hear me out. It’s a pleasant and somewhat unexpected surprise to see where you come from and how you have carried yourself the past seven years after you decided to change yourself and your approach to reality. You started pushing a lot of points within yourself and you tackled quite a few of them. There are also a lot of things you really screwed up but that’s not where I want to go now. I have experienced that you are capable of correcting mistakes through seeing what you did, take self responsibility for what you did and correct yourself by doing what needs to be done. And by doing so consistently over the past seven years you have really changed and that is a pleasant observation because I see I can trust you more within who you are and how you behave in daily reality. It’s hard for me to admit but it’s actually nice to have you around.

I had a huge wall of resistance coming up as I was pondering on these points and what to make of them because I realize that you have actually changed for real and apparently don’t want to go back to that old self that is still haunting you. Now I made an agreement with myself in the past to give you more room in my life if you would proof to yourself to be able to integrate this self change as action in your daily life and our relationship. And from my experience and perspective the moment to draw that conclusion is actually here.

You have proven to yourself that you are able to push through a lot of limitations you placed upon yourself despite the discomfort and huge effort this sometimes took. Your behaviour changed your relationships and the way people see you have changed. So I want us to change some things as well and bring our relationship to the next level because I hear a new process knocking on the door. And just like you, I don’t know what that process will exactly entail. But I see that we both sort of know what to expect, witch is the unexpected and I think we are ready to take that on if we proceed with caution and focus and give it our best effort.

So here is my question Mike. I want that Mike that can push himself to become a permanent point in my life? And before you give me an answer I want you to investigate that question for yourself first. So take your time while you reflect on it in self honesty and please collect all your thoughts, emotions and feelings that come up while you are doing so. Let’s give it a few weeks because I know these things need time. So let’s write ourselves out and then sit together and look at the questions and perspectives that open up. After that we can reflect on practical solutions and script the basic outline of our new agreement.

I see excitement bubbling behind your eyes so let’s have sex before you go to face your fears.



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
Contact:

Day-60-2017-08-19-SF regarding the agreement with myself

Postby mikelammers » 19 Aug 2017, 13:37

Points opening up regarding the agreement with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become agitated when I'm confronted with people who use me to get the work of their desk by dropping it on my plate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within seeing this pattern it's my response ability to organize my work in a way that rules out the possibility of others dropping their work on my plate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within communicating with people that drop their work on my plate to raise my voice instead of focussing on voicing myself in a way that supports me and the people involved to get where we have to go within our shared responsibilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not calm myself down completely before I started communicating with people that drop work on my plate and within that I realize that what I am doing is becoming reactive instead of practical within and as my behaviour

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become reactive when I was communicating with someone that dropped work on my plate in my professional environment

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to become frustrated when people behave in a different way than I expect them to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project certain expectations towards people in my professional environment instead of allowing myself to get a complete picture of the real time situation first

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to discriminate my reactions wherein I separate people in my professional environment from others and within that allow myself to behave inconsistently in relation to the people within and outside my professional environment

When and as I see myself becoming agitated when I'm confronted with people who use me to get the work of their desk by dropping it on my plate, I stop and breathe. I realize that when I become aware of myself participating within this pattern it's my response-ability to contain my reactions and stabilize myself within these moments. I commit myself to breath and slow myself down so I can become aware and identify what is coming up within myself as reactiveness when I see myself becoming agitated when I'm confronted with people who use me to get work of their desk and to use these moments as practical training for myself to stand, be clear, without reactiveness and be emotional mature in my responses within and as my communication with the people involved.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear after someone e-mails me to reschedule an appointment with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect this appointment to work and money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated and react and speak out the word 'fuck' after receiving and e-mail that confronts me with my reality where things not always go as planned

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and rationalize my emotional reaction towards this e-mail not realizing that this emotional reaction should be the first point for me to look at because it shows me that I missed a point in my reality and by doing so find myself making projections in my mind into the future allowing myself to loose touch with my physical reality here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that the best thing to do is to stay professional and simply do what I have to do which is reschedule my appointment in the most hospitable and professional way possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards this e-mail in anger and frustration instead of allowing myself to grow professionally by immediately taking myself by the hand and move on because I realize that any other reaction is a waste of time and energy and pure self sabotage

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another person based rescheduling an appointment without knowing anything about the reasons or motivations of that person and within that allow myself to feel judged by that person seeing realizing that I'm making this whole thing up in my mind and in doing so create this alternate reality that is not real and based on my own fears and by doing this create a mental projection towards another person that is going to resonate in my relationship with this person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make projections towards another person seeing realizing that this is pure self sabotage and dishonesty because instead of growing professionally by simply walking the physical reality as actions I have to take, I now allow myself to get lost in the mind as projections of paranoia and finger pointing towards others instead of bringing this back to myself and take self responsibility for my actions and reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel abandoned when someone reschedules an appointment with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less important when someone reschedules an appointment with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself more important than someone else seeing realizing that this is me as the mind always wanting to be top dog

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I'm in control by not lashing out completely not seeing realizing that even the slightest reaction like saying the word 'fuck' is a top of an iceberg that is the pattern of control I have adapted and use as myself professionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed by seeing the extend into which I have programmed myself as these automated reactions within and as my definitions of 'professional' and the consequence thereof for me as a professional

When and as I see myself respond too an e-mail where someone wants me to reschedule an appointment and I react within and as fear of loosing control, I stop and breathe. I realize that my emotional reaction towards such e-mails should be the first point for me to look at because I react instead of act thereby missing a flag point as this pattern within and as my reactive behaviour and by doing so allow myself to make irrational projections towards my future instead of slowing myself down and stabilize myself here so I can correct myself as this emotional reaction where I hear myself speak the word 'fuck' as my emotional reaction related to fear of the future related to fear of loosing control related to money. I commit myself to become aware of emotional reactions and resonances related to fear of the future related to fear of loosing control related to money manifesting within me when I'm confronted with and see myself reacting to e-mails/communication where people want to reschedule appointments with me and within that I commit myself to stop and breathe in order to stabilize myself so I can correct these emotional reactions related to fear of the future related to fear of loosing control related to money within and as my response to appointments that require rescheduling and within that I commit myself to not take these requests personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create friction and anxiety within having to choose between having to pay the rent and taking a stand within the principle of not doing unpaid pitches and within that not realize that keeping my reality stable involves money and thus to take a stand when it comes to my work and money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within this inner conflict of ego within the point of winning and loosing and feeling like a looser doing more than a weeks work for only 500 euro's and within that judging 500 euro's as 'not enough' realizing that it's me who is the one that decides to do this and within that I have to take self responsibility for my decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated because I'm not able to serve this client I'm working for indirectly/directly realizing that within that I'm being dishonest because It's not me who made first contact and it's up to me to take or up the stakes in regards the offer made to me in regards to what is asked of me and do my part as is usual in doing business

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand why I failed to ask myself the necessary questions in order to create clarity within myself and a business partner first and instead avoided the financial and business dimensions by focussing on creativity first and to not take the time to get more perspective on the business side of things which created haziness and within that I realize that this is actually self sabotage because I don't allow myself to grow professionally and stand within the whole construct including the business/financial side of things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do real world calculations and give myself more perspective within my expectation of this particular pitch witch would be to get at least around 5000 euro's out of it when we would win and communicate this clearly with my business partner in order to create a clear understanding about my own expectation so my business partner has a change to gain more perspective and respond and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate this feeling of disgust within me towards my business partner realizing that it's up to me to determine my rules and limitations from a business perspective and communicate them clearly knowing that this is how the game is played.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a feeling disgust within me to my business partner realizing that it's up to me to determine my rules and limitations from a business perspective and communicate them clearly knowing that this is how the game is played and within that I forgive myself for being disgusted with myself within and as my insecurity to stand within the point of making solid financial agreements with business partners.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept the fact that participating specific business deals means someone else is going to claim credit for my work without me having any say in it and within that I have to realize that in the worst case A weeks work and a lot of energy is simply 500 euro's in the bank and within that I see realize and understand I allowed myself to expect more than was agreed upon from a business point of view which in this case is the only perspective that counts within and as taking self responsibility for my decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust someone that has proven to make money an issue time and time again and within that leave a backdoor open that creates friction within me from the perspective of fear of not getting enough and fear of being cheated / abused and within that I realize see and understand that it's only me that can abuse myself by creating these backdoors by not being clear about my starting points within doing business, making financial agreements and the way I communicate about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape and blame money for it by stating that "none of this would be an issue if money would not be the problem" realizing that money is the problem and the only way to change is to create clarity for myself in relation to money and all dimension of money within and as me when it comes to making solid business deals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think there is a better way of spending my time and talent realizing that I'm not in the position to make statements like that as long as I'm not able to spend a day without procrastinating the precious time I have and within that I see my ego fighting for its place in existence instead of me pushing myself to constructively walk out of these patterns of self pity and self diminishment when I find myself confronted with having to make business deals and financial agreements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate friction and energy through inner conflict and thus outer conflict with people over money and within that not realize what this is actually doing to me on a physical level and thus to create physical stability is to create a clear understanding of myself within the choices I make and actions I take in relation to my professional relationships and assignments connected to making business deals and financial agreements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself instead of taking the time to clarify my standpoints in relation to doubts I have professionally with people in order to be able to communicate them clearly from a starting point of supporting myself in the best way possible professionally instead of allowing myself to fuck up professionally creating a reality for myself where I refuse to push myself to perform to higher standards thus bigger clients thus professional growth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it's undoable to remain self honest and make my own living this way where I have to play these characters in order to be accepted into a professional environment not seeing realizing that at this point in process that's simply what it is and being emotional about it is pure self sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the time this week to sit with myself and bring myself to a point where I'm able to see how I exist in reality and how I experience myself within it enabling myself to forgive myself and not make things worse in relation to my professional relationships and assignments connected to making business deals and financial agreements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe business is just another game of who screws who in the best way possible realizing that being here and do all I can to do what serves everybody in the best way possible is the first thing I have to look at instead of reacting based on emotions related to an opinion I have about the business and business people in general connected to my professional relationships and assignments connected to making business deals and financial agreements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel schizophrenic realizing that is me accepting multiple perspectives to become multiple characters within myself to roam free and express themselves regardless of the consequences in relation to my professional relationships and assignments connected to making business deals and financial agreements

When and as I see myself giving in to trusting a person in relation to money, I stop and breathe. I realize that I struggle a lot with myself within this point seeing myself compromising myself time after time when it came to making financial agreements with people and within that imitate my father using the universal and stupid argument that it's better to have something than nothing and within that I see that I don't have a clear standing as and agreement with myself in regards to the principles I want to apply when doing business and the financial aspects within that and by doing so allow myself to give away control witch is a very important aspect when working out business deals that are actually good and profitable. I commit myself to stop and take my time to investigate relevant dimensions and propositions regarding money when I'm confronted with having to make financial deals instead of giving 'blind trust' too a person in relation to money seeing realizing that by giving 'blind trust' is me actually giving away my power as in my leverage within business deals that can be made and within that I commit myself to come to solid financial agreements with people in the future!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself as a child within a pool of energy towards my birthday in anticipation of getting presents and being the centre of attention and enjoying that feeling not realizing that this attention is part of a ceremony to feed my ego as a drug and that these moments have nothing to do with real attention from the starting point of physical support and real understanding of what support practically entails towards children in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to integrate these energetic experiences in relation to birthdays and holidays as a self destructive pattern of overeating, drinking, smoking just to fit in and belong to the tribe and within that compete with others to be the best, most extreme, radical participant in order to make a name for myself as the absolute lunatic that can't be beat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself as the clown the lunatic an party animal instead of realizing understanding that I used this character and behaviour to hide my total lack of self confidence and self intimacy and within that I forgive myself for being brutal, obnoxious and cruel to people for no other reason than fear of having to face myself myself for who I really am as the opposite of the character I played

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that with alcohol and drugs and going of the brakes was actually rewarding myself within the point of releasing myself, taking the pressure of not seeing realizing that using substance and allowing myself to go into these energetic trips and suppress myself is and will never be of any assistance to change myself within my physical behaviour

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in brawling about having hangovers and feeling physically drained after using drugs and alcohol in order to fit in with the guys/men realizing that this is part of the ceremonies that exist within groups as group behaviour to identify people that do not conform and thus will be expelled from the group so that the group dynamics can remain in place and do not change so I do not change and within that I forgive myself for not realizing and understanding that this is the principle underlying all systems as in 'I am not allowed to change into a better version of myself' because that would mean a direct threat to the systems in place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that small achievements in life have to be celebrated with some sort of reward in order to energize myself within and as this positive energy experience as a present and within that I forgive myself that I failed to see that after the up will be a down instead of me here remaining stable as the best self support I can give myself so I can walk myself out of my preprogrammed patterns so it will become easier for me with every step I make instead of allowing myself to go through this sequence where I fall every time and have to stand up in the same point which makes no sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and reset my date of birth on my Facebook page out of fear of having to face myself within these points related to emotional experiences in the past related to my birthday and within that become angry and agitated towards my own date of birth which in itself cannot help itself for being just a point in space and time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people wishing me a happy birthday because I fear my own emotions and reactions related to the words birthday and happy, seeing myself as not happy and having no reason to be happy and within that I forgive myself to judge myself as unhappy allowing myself to exist in this polarity of happy versus unhappy in relation to my birthday

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it's about wanting people to leave me alone seeing realizing that I feel a strong desire to not be alone, to be with people and share myself in self honesty not having to hide how I really feel or having to pretend I'm someone that I'm not because that's what group dynamics within a professional/social environment expect of me as the starting point for proffessional relationships in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no choice and that I'm better of with myself living the lie of professional relationships that do not support self change in my life and within that allowed myself to create new relationships and a false stability point instead of being professional and patient all the way with people around by giving myself the time to build lasting intimate relationships with people I see are able to see where I come from and to stand one and equal with them as we walk this physical process of self change as professionals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand to which extend children are religiously fucked and energized in and around events like birthdays, xmas, and personal attention in whatever ceremonial form

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget how being the centre of ceremonial attention made me feel as a child, to feel very special for a moment and not understand why that moment is not like all other moments and within that I forgive myself that I would try to recreate this experience of myself by whatever means possible not able to see realize understand the reality of myself within this and within that emotional turmoil allowed myself to create patterns of behaviour as manipulation and being secretive that shaped me as a person as a personality for life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look at how I can assist myself and thus others in this world within the point of group behaviour, dynamics and ceremonies seeing realizing that we all carry these ceremonial personalities with us and that in order to change ourselves we have to change these religious cosmetic ceremonies into practical physical behaviour based on common sense that supports the people around us and allows them to change and grow within the point of being able to approach our individual processes more professionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not redefine for myself what a birthday is and stands for in this world and the consequence it has on children as they grow into adults

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel empty in relation to these points related to my birthday as the emotional connections and addictions to excitement and entertainment and the fact that without them there has to be something to replace them in order for me to feel fulfilled

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely and isolated in relation to this pattern and react to it in anger and rage seeing realizing that this can only lead to self destruction wherein I allow myself to fall and having to walk the whole thing again

When and as I see myself participating in cosmetic ceremonies and rituals within a group, I stop and breathe. I realize that most groups are groups for a reason, often to facilitate a false sense of safety and belonging for the individual within that group and within that the individual becomes a power point added to the group and within that I see and realize that participating within these cosmetic 'initiation' rituals and wanting to belong to a group is in fact me as myself hiding myself out of fear for self change and self responsibility and within that I see that by doing so I fail to take my life in my own hands and take self responsibility for it by hiding behind a group. I commit myself to be extremely critical towards any form of barrier that is presented in the form of initiation rituals that are abusive in whatever form in order to become part of or be accepted by a group.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take full responsibility when and as I find myself in a situation where I missed a point and thus create situations where other beings will have to get involved and thus I make my problems their problems and within that I forgive myself for making my lack of self responsibility other beings responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to time and time again sabotage myself by not willing myself to come to a point of physical action and move trough my resistances and instead allow myself to hold back and distract myself with mind games seeing realizing this is a physical process thus instead of playing mind games it's about moving myself forward within and as physical movement to physically get things done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate and take the time and effort to really take a self honest look into myself in relation to these hidden patterns of self sabotage and procrastination that keep me from getting somewhere because I see realize and understand that If I don't change my physical behaviour my physical reality will not change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand how subtle this silent backchat can be that makes me come up with excuses before I give myself a change to just get up and do what needs to be done in my daily reality from a common sense perspective in relation to my daily responsibilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as stubborn, egotistical, self righteous and manipulative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my parents as stubborn, egotistical, self righteous and manipulative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to camouflage my egotistical behaviour under a thin layer of etiquette and cosmetic good behaviour within that seeing realizing I'm creating a personality that I have to keep up and is unforgiving towards others and within that I see realize and understand that these are self destructive patterns I accept and allow to exist instead of forgiving myself for these points and redefine what it means to be self honest within my actions and physical behaviour towards other beings and things that simply need to be done in order to support myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself within the point of creating for myself a platform of self intimacy wherein I allow myself to simply look at myself and my behaviour without judgement to enable myself to identify my behavioural patterns and thus the possibility of changing them thus myself within the process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not acting upon seeing myself fuck up and within that I forgive myself for judging myself as a fucker

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking self responsibility when I see I made a mistake and within that find an excuse or an external factor for not having to take responsibility for my own actions and within that try to hide myself and suppress the feelings of failure associated with making a mistake

When and as I see myself starting to participate within my patterns of self sabotage and procrastination that keep me from getting somewhere, I stop and breathe. I realize that If I don't move myself within and as my physical behaviour as action to get things done, things will not get done and I will have to face the consequences thereof. I commit myself to push myself through resistance as my physical behaviour as action and get things done when I see myself starting to participate within patterns of self sabotage and procrastination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react emotionally listening to an interview and connect points within the interview regarding broken relationships/agreements and getting communication going again to myself and within that suppress the possibility of me doing exactly that out of fear of facing myself and my actions and the confrontation with myself within that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create imbalance for myself within my agreement by focussing on others and external processes instead of myself and my role within this and within that allowing the practical physical reality of myself to spiral out of control and escalate to a point where I find myself participating in this irrational shout out where I have to face myself in the absolute horror of myself possessed by fear projected as anger towards my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that I couldn't catch myself in a moment and that the next moment is there for me to realize that walking an agreement will eventually bring me face to face with who I am within my actions and reactions and that walking this with a partner means that this will happen again and again until someone gives up or changes for real and that that is the sole purpose of the walking as the action that is an agreement and that I am here to face myself within it and that it's up to me to not waste time, to stand up and walk the necessary corrections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel eerie and alienated because I don't have a common platform within and as an agreement with my partner seeing realizing that I have a place and a responsibility to create this common platform but I can never allow myself to become depended of this platform because that would mean I'm not giving as I would like to receive but taking at the cost of others making the agreement irrelevant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my emotional projections and assumptions towards external events determine how I perceive myself in relation to reality instead of taking the time to stabilize myself and investigate my relation to events within my reality through writing in relation to my agreement partner and to script from that the best possible practical application of myself and to walk that into action

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to time after time loose myself within the construct of taking things personal not seeing realizing that this reactive pattern of insecurity and fear is so deeply ingrained within me that if I do not write myself out I cannot see this self created veil I look through in daily life and within that only my application in writing in self honest observation like I do now will show me how I exist within it and allow me to script a solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my insecurity lead me to taking things personal and feeling attacked and within that feel the need to defend myself and my behaviour seeing realizing that this can only lead to more conflict thus loosing my footing in this physical reality creating friction and energy possessions that are and will eventually lead to self destruction within and as abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to control myself completely and that I failed to see that control is only a part of the equation and within that I have to realize that this is a process and within that things will reveal itself step by step and layer by layer and that it's not about control but controlling the process and within that it's better to catch myself shifting in small increments instead of allowing myself to become an avalanches that will create a lot of collateral damage

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look at these points within self honesty sooner seeing realizing that I allowed anger, fear, frustration and hurt to exist within and as me and within doing so I have accepted and allowed myself to stall my process within getting to the core of what happened between me and my partner and within that I forgive myself for suppressing myself out of shame, pain and sadness related to seeing myself and my actions towards others within these events

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the shame connected to my behaviour within in my neck and shoulders as this point of control seeing realizing that I'm trying to control instead of addressing the raw and real experience of myself as I was writing myself out.

When and as I see myself react emotionally listening to interviews, watching a movie or hear people talking, I stop and breathe. I realize that my emotional reaction is me taking something outside of myself personal by connecting it to something inside myself that has an emotional charge in relation to what I see or hear and within that I realize that by reacting emotionally I'm not allowing myself to really see what these connections are because I'm all ready reacting and within that miss an opportunity to learn something about myself and my emotional relationship to what I hear or see. I commit myself to in my daily life become more aware of my emotional reactions when I listen to interviews, watch a movie or hear people talking and within that I commit myself to investigate the specific relationships I have to the what is spoken or revealed so I can forgive myself and end the emotional relationships I have created thus allowing myself to become less reactive to words and images.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself facing this point of communication with my former relationship/agreement partner realizing that what I'm fearing is my own fear and that this is all taking place in my head thus not real.

When and as I see myself behaving introvert in relationships, I stop and breathe. I realize that in the past I underestimated the implications and consequences of walking my life with someone else in a relationship from the starting point of an agreement because I was comparing the relationship to former relationships and based my judgement and behaviour on those comparisons. I now see and realize that new relationships are not going to be comparable to former relationships because participating in a relationship based on an agreement is not comparable to 'normal relationships’. I commit myself to take my time to reflect in self honesty and collect my thoughts, emotions and feelings that come up when I see myself walking into a new relationship in order to reveal to myself through writing myself out what I'm practically facing so I can sit with my partner and reflect on the questions and perspectives that open up so we are able to start the relationship based on our realities and the potential that is there instead of projections and expectations and from there enable ourselves to design practical solutions based on the challenges we are likely going to face and by doing so create the best possible starting point for this relationship to practically work based on an agreement that will challenge us as well as support us to walk in self honesty and move towards each other as time progresses.



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
Contact:

Day-61-2017-08-21-Delegating responsibilities in relationships

Postby mikelammers » 21 Aug 2017, 12:00

Pondering on this sentence that was spoken

This morning I was in my kitchen making coffee. As I was going through that routine a memory popped up in my mind. It was within one of the moments with my former partner where we sort of tried to communicate but everything was still highly energetic and tensions where running high. It was within this moment my ex partner said:
I realize It always takes two to tango but you are 90% responsible for creating this situation
Now my realization was that this was true. I allowed myself to become possessed and that’s it, so here we are. However, after all the writing I did I have to ask myself a question here. How can I be 90% responsible if it takes two to tango? It is like me saying: “let’s walk this together” and then make one moment the reference point and justification to drop 90% of the shared responsibility on my partners plate! Makes no sense. So where was I within my actions and responsibilities in the moments leading up to this moment?

I eventually have to take responsibility for 100% of my actions because I am 100% responsible for my actions whether I’m in a relationship or not. I’m always in this relationship with myself just like my partner is with herself. It was the starting point of our agreement so that’s absolutely clear!

So each one can be responsible for a situation that develops. Be it a positive or negative one. However, situations develop. It’s not like comet’s falling from the sky without a warning. It can appear that way but after seven years of daily practice my experience is that the ‘situation’ as the 'outflow' is never the primary point. It’s the accumulation of specific moments that went before. Moments not seen and or directed by us towards the starting point of our agreement. All that went before as all of us within this relationship is the reality of our relationship here within this moment where we both have EQUAL responsibilities when it comes to dealing with the situation that is created. Now how do we deal with this point? How do we take responsibility for ourselves without finger pointing our partners first?

It’s easy to forget where I come from after seven years of going from one unknown experience to the next with my partner! It’s more than just confronting. Its life changing and even that changed life as the changed me is outside of my awareness a lot in daily life because it needs reflection and awareness. The moments after I have changed I tend to pay less attention to where I come from in the daily flow of life.

I can bring the early days with me and my partner here and see ourselves dealing with seemingly stupid things like the shape of our nose or one of the other trillion issues we had related to the way we reacted towards each other. It starts with these things because that’s where it starts! Eventually we come to layers within ourselves that are less obvious and clear. We faced it, we walked it and some of it had to be walked repeatedly because shit that played out wasn’t as obvious as we thought it to be. We reveal by walking, adjusting and changing ourselves for real. That’s what this is all about for me.

What I see is that if I hold a partner responsible for 90% of what happens in a moment, I’m only taking 10% of my own responsibility within it. It’s the problem with numbers. They ad up or they don’t… The bank account is what counts eventually! So what do we have left?

Within the moment my partner spoke these words, I agreed. It was me lashing out. It was me who behaved possessed. Within that moment I was 100% responsible for myself and what played out. Does this moment represent an honest reflection of the totality of who I am within and as our relationship. Off coarse not! Is this moment the only point to focus on? We are forced to do so because of the intensity that overwhelms us. It’s a flash flood that is sweeping us of our feet. The force as the physical takes over and that can never be ignored!

We became completely possessed within and by the energies that where created and suppressed and instead of controlling the outflow of these energies on a day to day bases we are now facing a breached dam and unmanageable amounts of water within and as the flash flood crashing down into the reserve that is our relationship.

I’m 100% accountable for this moment! I’m accountable for breaching the dam. However, the amount of water we allowed to accumulate in the lake before the dam was breached was and is our shared responsibility. This is our agreement. This is within our territory. These are the boundaries and borders we defined. And to take care of this piece of our ecosystem is our shared responsibility. If it rains hard we will react fast because it’s evident the events will speed up because the lake will fill up fast. If it just drips we tend not to worry too much. But little drops will eventually fill the lake as well.

We also move individually within this ecosystem. I might find myself upstream and my partner downstream or vice versa. Being upstream implies I am more or less able to see what is coming and what is going to end up in the lake. And within that I’m not going to involve my partner in every little detail I become aware of. But it’s of the utmost importance for me to realize if I'm down or upstream and that I inform my partner if I see a flash flood coming down the river! Events that will surely have an impact on our ecosystem so we need to act now as self honest evaluating and prioritizing as the responsibility we agreed to take individually for this relationship.

From this perspective a relationship almost becomes like the management, preservation and development of a reserve. Where you have different areas that require specific treatment and handling. You need to be on guard and you need to patrol and monitor because one cannot be everywhere at the same time. That implies that one needs to set priorities. It’s not only the river. It’s the planes, the woods, the lakes, the farmland and underdeveloped areas as well. And let’s not forget all the living beings that live on our land!

A relationship is a dynamic ecosystem in creation that needs constant attention because it’s evolving. Sometimes that’s a slow process where you can watch the plants grow. In general it’s just daily hard work to get all that needs to be done in order before the sun sets. Within this I see and realize that when our territory expands our monitoring systems need to expand as well. Otherwise we loose oversight! Bringing a relationship to the next level within and as starting a new process thus requires redistribution of responsibilities in relation to the work at hand.

So to keep it simple for myself and as an example. When we go out riding with our 20 mountain bike pupils on Saturdays we sometimes take walkie-talkies with us. It’s because we as the responsible elders are not always close enough for direct communication. Wherever we find ourselves with children in the bush I can always reach my partner immediately if I see something coming or when I need assistance. It’s not focussing on what can go wrong but prepare for the unexpected in the best way possible in a simple and practical way. And within that is the shared responsibility for the ones that decided to take responsibility for this territory we defined as the boundaries of our agreement.

There are so many different styles of managing things but eventually it comes down to the fact that these things will simply need to get done and common sense tells me that the best way to manage this is finding the most efficient way of doing it instead of focussing on and judging my partner for not doing enough! There is only so much we can do and that load should be spread equally. That should be the starting point when we decide to take responsibility for this ecosystem we call our relationship.

So within this I want to take a look at the ecosystem we created over the past years and find points of interest regarding the way I managed this piece of earth within and as our agreement.

More to come



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
Contact:

SCS-Running of with the mind

Postby mikelammers » 22 Aug 2017, 10:35

When and as I see myself reacting towards a partner and within that give in to overcomplicating my thought patterns by allowing myself to let my thoughts run free with the mind, I stop and breathe. I realize that instead of looking for the hart of the matter and translate that into common sense and simplicity I allow myself to become distracted and reactive to and participate within the multi dimensional picture that the mind is presenting me instead of allowing myself to observe myself here in this physical reality as these thoughts and reactions and within doing so enable myself to see the patterns and reactions for what they are and where they originate and within that I commit myself to stop overcomplicating my thought patterns within and as the pattern of overcomplicating communication with a partner when and as I see myself reacting towards a partner and within that I commit myself to not give in to these distractions of the mind and within that I commit myself to take action and make these patterns points of change I can address with common sense and simplicity and transform them into consistent and physical change of my behaviour thus me.




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