Amanda's Blog

[AmandaRichert]

I think I waited so long to blog for sponsership because of fear. I was afraid I would not be abe to do it because in my past I have given up on so many things that could have supported me, for instance my college degree. I have held this false self perception that I am not good enough to be accepted for sposership, and not good enough to be supportive to others. I have realized through writing myself to freedom, that I have only been holding myself back in fear, delusion of being less capable, and seperation, that I cannot qualify.
I no longer allow myself to live this delusional belief as I realize I have been allowing myself to hold myself back. I have responsibility for my actions, and I am taking the responsibility to act on what I would like to accomplish. I have made progress already in the month that I have been writing. I have learned how to recognize my self delusions, with the support of some fellow destonians. I see how much this has thus far liberated me, and I am hungry for more.
I no longer can live in a lie, in a delusion. I am discovering who I am through self honesty and self forgivness. I know I have a long way to go, but now, more than ever before, I am commiting myself to living my word in self honesty.

[Anna]

YES!

[Lindsay]

I no longer can live in a lie, in a delusion. I am discovering who I am through self honesty and self forgivness. I know I have a long way to go, but now, more than ever before, I am commiting myself to living my word in self honesty.

Simply awesome Amanda!

[AmandaRichert]

Ahhhh! I can't take a joke!
Ok, so today one of my friends made a joke about my partner desiring a video of a boy stimulating a cow. I have told this friend before of my partner's previous porn addiction(which did not include animals, only young women), and our poor sex life due to the untrust and my disease. The untrust was from my partner hiding this addiction for years. I have herpes, and when I have an outbreak, (which used to be quite often because of the mistrust), I do not have sex, for risk of transfer to my partner, and because it is quite painful.
I did not appreciate the joke because I have been allowing these issues to dictate my emotional well being. So I told her that she was making a judgement about what my partner finds sexually desirable. She responded with "OMG I was just trying to be lighthearted, I'm exhaused". I realised that it was my own judgement of her joke, because of my own issues. I told her I was sorry for projecting my emotions on her and that I felt it was a personal matter since it was something I had shared with her, that I had been so upset about. I wrote out self forgiveness in a message to her with my apology so that she could read it. I wanted her to know what was going on in my own head and why I allowed myself to become offended. She responded with, "Um...nothing I said was personal about you or my partner". I have allowed myself to feel like she is not trying to even see what I am talking about, or understand it, and that she is still only defending herself.
My emotions have been altered during this. I have been allowing myself to feel like I am giving all of myself and I am getting nothing in return. I also noticed a recent post on her wall that says "robot drone". I have allowed this phrase, these 2 words, to affect my emotions. I am allowing her to upset me, when it is all me! So I am ready to work this out.
I do not need to be dependent on my friend's understanding of me, or her acceptance of my apology. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my emotional well being to be dependant on my friend's understanding of my reaction. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I need her to accept my apology. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like she should apologize to me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my issues of past mistrust with my husband and my herpes to alter how I see my friends joke into a judgement. I forgive myself for getting upset with reading the words "robot drone", and allowing backchat to judge the statement as an insult. I forgive myself for feeling like I need my friend to accept me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear of losing friends. If my friends chose to not support me, when I am being completely honest, I then I do not need them.
Another very small thing I have allowed to bother me is a very small word. That word is um... yes um! So I have allowed myself to get irritated with this little word in the way it is used. My friend's comment to my apology, self forgiveness, and explanation of why I took it personal began with this little word. Um.... Her response went something like this, "Um....nothing I said was personal about you or J".
As I read this response, I immediately took her "tone" as condescending. Like she thinks I am crazy stupid to even think what she said could be taken personnaly. I realized it is in my own discomfort of her not understanding what I said or accepting my apology. I am projecting her response as belittleing. She may have meant to be that way, or maybe not. What I realized it it is in my head, my own judgement of what she means. Even if she is belittleing me, I do not have to participate in the emotional response. I do not have to rely on her words or her view of me for my own personal feelings.
So again, I messaged her with this because I want her to know that I am standing in complete honesty. Because I cannot play a game of blame. I think part of me wants her to see what I am talking about with self honesty. So I am trying to get her to understand what it means to be honest, and what the desteni process is about. I want her to be honest with herself too.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my friend's comment as belittleing. I cannot see in her head, it was my own interpretation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my friend's statement "robot drone" to upset me. I have again taken it as a condescending statement about me self realizing. She does not undertand what self realization is and is only making her own interpretation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing emotional dependancy on my friends.
I forgive myself for feeling the need to get my friends to understand what self forgiveness is. If they don't want to know, even if when they say they do, they will not open up their minds to it. So I cannot "force" them to understand.

[AmandaRichert]

Wow, my son is watching a movie, and I have uninterupted time to write, and now I can't think of what to write about! Well I know I have a LOT to write about, and the most painful, deep stuff, I just don't want to go there! So I guess that's exactly where I need to go!

Let's see.... I have herpes. That is pretty mentally and physically painful. I have learned that the outbreaks are tied to stress, be it physical or emtional. All the years that I had trust problems with my partner, I had many outbreaks, practically continuously, with an occasional rest. Symptoms that occur just before an outbreak emerges includes tingling, itching, sensitive skin,dull pain that shoots down the backs of my legs, and fever. These are called prodromal symptoms, and are a warning to the impending outbreak.

When living day to day, for many years not fully trusting my partner, I would feel these prodromal symptems as soon as he walked in the door, coming home form work. I did not kow excatly why this would happen at the time, because I did not want to believe that he was hiding anything from me. I had the feeling he was , but didn't want to believe it. So there was this resistance in me, when it came to getting close to my partner, and I often suffured mental stress turning into outbreaks.

Just having herpes in the first place is a "disgusting" diesease that is made fun of by many people. Emotionally, it has been very difficult for me. (well so much for uninterupted time to write, my son keeps demanding my attention!) I have had this fear of my partner desiring other women, because I have been cheated on in just about every past relationship. Because I have herpes, I have allowed this as well, to affect my self esteem, thinking that I am not enough to satisfy my partner, because I can't always satisfy my partner.

I went through so many years trying to be the most beautiful, most stylish, most loving, most charming, so I could "keep my partner close". I have put so much pressure on myself, because of fear.

I had stopped being sexual with my partner for a very long time, after I cought him sneaking porn. I felt that I could not compaire to the women he liked watching, especially since I have herpes. So I absained. I wanted to mend our sex life so badly, but I could not trust him, and I feld bad about myself. That is what caused so much tension,(and outbreaks), and the fact that after he had quit the habit for a year or so, he started back, without telling me, of course. I knew deep down, but never wanted to admit it. I had blamed myself for the problem with trusting him again, even after it had been 5years since the first time I cought him.

When I cought him the 2nd time, I wanted to divorce him. I had given up on mending our sex life, I had thought I could never be enough. And since I cought him 2 times, (with him admitting the habit to continue for years), after 9 years of marriage, what esle was he doing? He could have been with other women, and I wouldn't know. There were many times he was home late from work. He had proven to be untrustworthy, so I didn't want to go on living in this miserable marriage, even if it meant spliting our family apart, and "sharing " the kids.
What had "saved" our relationship is Desteni. My partner begged me to not file for divorce, saying he was ready to quit for good, with the help of the forum through self forgiveness. I reluctently, gave him the chance to "prove" himself trustwothy, and we both focused on the Desteni materials and our writing.

Because we have 2 young boys, and he works a LOT, we do not have much time alone. So it is frustrating that we still don't really get the chance for sexual passion. I have improved with feeling like I need this to be happy, in the past month, as I have been more content and self appreciating since I shaved my head, stopped wearing makeup, and trying so hard to be this perfect image. This transformation, was made possible by writing my self forgiveness, finding out who I am and why I am this way, and the support from destonians. So, yay! I am more comfortable in my own skin, finally! Now if I can just get the chance to work on my close relationship with my partner. I must say, that since he has been writing his own self forgiveness about the porn thing, the whole sexual issue, I am able to trust him. I am less uncomfortable with him when he looks at other women, (that has also been something that I had allowed to bother me). He has admitted to the "problem", and is working through it. Because I see where I have made my own transformation, I believe he can too.
Just writing about my herpes has been difficult, because I don't like admitting to it. It is like saying to everyone, Hi everone, I have herpes, I am flawed, you probably don't want to get near me, I am not sexy! So this is tough to admit it, but I need to get over it, and stop judging myself as disgusting. I know there are a lot of people with herpes, and other diseases, and I am not alone in this, even though I keep telling myself I am alone. I have been singleing myself out, like I am this messed up person, and pretending to be perfect. I cannot pretend anymore. I cannot allow this disease to affect my self esteam anymore. It is in my head how I think people will judge me. I am only hurting myself, allowing myself to be ashamed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disgusting because of this disease.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be flawed because I have herpes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to feel ashamed of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I stand alone with this disease, when I know there are many people suffering the same thing, and other diseases as well.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that people will automatically judge me because I have herpes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my self woth on my partner's and other's view of me, when that is only a judgement in my own head.
I forgive myself for compairing my ralationship to that of other's that don't have to worry about a disease.
I forgive myself for feeling like I have to have a great sex life to make my relationship "work".
I forgive myself for living in fear that I will never be good enough for my partner.
I forgive myself for trying so hard all these years to be a perfect image.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that I cannot compair sexually and beautifully to the women that my partner would view to excite himself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that I cannot compair to any woman who does not have a disease.
I forgive myself for allowing this disease to affect my emotions and actions for so many years.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my partner's behavior to affect my actions and emotions for so many years.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on trust of another being, for my own happiness.

I realize that I have not been able to trust myself for my own happiness. I will remember this self forgiveness when and if I have trouble with my self esteem or placing my trust in anyone. It is all in myself. I will breath through any difficulties, and clear my mind from my self abuse.

[Anna]

This is the kind of self-realization that makes it possible to move mountains. Awesome Amanda.

I realize that I have not been able to trust myself for my own happiness. I will remember this self forgiveness when and if I have trouble with my self esteem or placing my trust in anyone. It is all in myself. I will breath through any difficulties, and clear my mind from my self abuse.

[Lindsay]

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be flawed because I have herpes.

Perhaps you meant to write that you BELIEVE you are flawed because you have herpes - obviously being 'flawed' is not real, and is thus a point of self-judgment.

This is the kind of self-realization that makes it possible to move mountains. Awesome Amanda.

I realize that I have not been able to trust myself for my own happiness. I will remember this self forgiveness when and if I have trouble with my self esteem or placing my trust in anyone. It is all in myself. I will breath through any difficulties, and clear my mind from my self abuse.

YES!

Thanks for sharing Amanda!

[AmandaRichert]

yes, I believed to be flawed, that is what I mean to say

[Marlen]

Thanks for sharing Amanda, cool to be comfortable in one's own skin yes!

[AmandaRichert]

The "Beautiful", Conditional Love of a Mother.

My mom used to take me and my sister-in-law out to lunch every Friday. Since I shaved my head, on Oct.1st, a little over a month ago, she has not invited me. She just called me a few minutes ago, and said she was worried to depression about me. She thought I had flipped out, "gone off the deep end". She said she had wanted to call earlier, but was too afraid.

I told her that I am quite good, in fact, better than before, and that I am more comfortable in my own skin than I have been since I was a small child. I tried to explain to her (again) why I shaved my head, how the week before I shaved it, I wasn't comfortable wearing jewelry, or makeup. I told her how, even though I wore bangs to please others (including her), the hair in my face annoyed me, and I would end up pulling my bangs back in a barret. I had gotten to a point where I was tired of "fixing myself" whenever I would go out in public, how I was sick of allowing myself to be dependent on how other's judged me. I was sick of trying so hard to perfect my appearence to fit into this society, be in the contest of beauty. I mentioned the anorexic, air-brushed models all over the stores that little girls look up to as role models, creating this need for them to look perfect, super skinney, perfect skin, make-up, and hair, and how it affects the self esteem of those girls who can't seem to reach that sort of fake perfection. I reminded her of how those models had affected my own esteem, causing me to spend a lot of money on hair extensions, and suffer through great pain with nose surgury, and breast implants to "improve" myself.

She sort of understood, but not really. She said if it has made me happy then that drastic change is ok, but she was still trying to convince me to grow it out. She told me to wear a headband if I don't like my hair in my face. I told her that it is uncomfortable, and when I did wear a headband, it made me look pretty, but it hurt my head, and I couldn't wait to take it off as soon as I got home. I told her I am about comfort, not what others think about me, because I have no control of that anyway, and it doesn't matter.
My mom has been getting all the "normal" fillers in her face to hide scars and wrinkles, and to fill her lips. So I don't expect her to agree with me, as that would only expose her own issues on appearance. When I had asked her if she was too embarrassed to be seen with me in public she said "yes" she was, "because I don't support it". That is what she said, she doesn't support me going to those drastic extremes of me shaving my head. Yet here I am, not supporting the whole lip injection, wrinkle-filler, hair-dying, make-up, "trying to impress" thing, but am still willing to be seen with her.

So as it is not really that important to go to lunch with my mom, it is a waist of money, I don't really care. I just wish she would open up her mind, and stop allowing herself to be controlled by fear. I think if I had no choice of losing my hair, from cancer treatment, then she might be more comfortable because she would at least have an "acceptable" explanation as to why her daughter has a shaved head. Then she wouldn't have to worry about other people judging her or her daughter. In fact, she would probably just buy me a wig, so she wouldn't even have to deal with any kind of embarrassment.

So what I am allowing to bother me the most is how she said she will not be seen with me in public because she does not support me with my shaved head. I am feeling like my appearance is of utmost importance to my mom. How others judge us based on appearance is what is important to her. In fact, I am taking this as, because I don't look "normal", a I am not allowed to be seen with her. She asked me what is wrong with "normal", I told her nothing is "wrong", but I am not "normal". She will just have to get used to that! Lol! So she is either attempting to "punish" me in an attempt to make me grow my hair back, or she is just embarrassed. Well she did agree to the embarrassed part so I guess it is both.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be bothered and a little angry with my mom for saying she does not support me, and therefore will not be seen in public with me, for shaving my head.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be upset with my mom attempting to control me by not being seen with me in public with a shaved head.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like my mom's love for me is conditional, to me being "normal".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want so badly for my mom to accepct me as who I am, and where I stand.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my self get frustrated with my mom's close-mindedness, and her dependance on other's apporval.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get frustrated with my mom for allowing herself to be controlled by fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of losing my mom forever, because she is so dependent on outward appearance, and other's approval.

I love myself for me. I have been able to accept me, without looking "normal". I have no control over my mom's desire to accept me for me. I do not need anyone else to accept me. I do not depend on anyone elses approvel, for that is only judgement of the mind, and entrapment. I cannot make my mom open her mind to see as I see. I cannot end my mom's dedendency on other's approval. I have no place in deciding if my mom will exist as life. I cannot chose for my mom. I will remember and/or look back to these words of self forgiveness when and if I have any problems with the need to be accepted by my mom or anyone.

And I can say, that it definateely IS getting so much easier, working through these writings and living my self forgiveness!