Julian's writing to freedom

[Julian]

Inner toxicity is my prime concern - Mind is actually working on body and I'm getting sick.
It all stems from things that have led me into inner, inner, inner, pause ... I feel like i'm in the 3rd state of the Inception film.

I never paused when I was in complete do-dally ignorance ... learn a little and get burnt or go all the way is my cross-roads. Desteni addresses too many things that I have not seen else where and the plain basic common-sense psychology is it ... trust me, if I could find a site that just offered the basics, I'd be there .... but it seems I cannot connect with them so here I stand.

Open for reply from anyone - my fear right now, understandably ... is 'exposure'... of what - I don't know... I get the same kind of fears in public sometimes.

[Maya]

Cool Julian. so how about opening the point of fear of being exposed and the fears that comes up when you are in public places.
you can start with asking yourself -
* how did I defined exposure?
* what judgement have i placed on being exposed?
* where in my life i've heard that being exposed is negative and thus, i fear exposure now?

* what are my reactions when i'm in a public place?
* what thought do i have the moment before i come to a public place?
* What are the thoughts that i have while i'm at a public places?

So suggest to take one point at a time and basically, bring the moment here. for example, take a memory of being in a public place where the fear emerge and slow that moment down. walk the time line from the moment you decided to go to this place, your way to there, your experience while you where there and your experience when you went out from there. Try to see your thoughts/emotions/feelings/reactions and describe the entire experience in details.
Then, it will be easier to start apply Self Forgiveness. when/if you require assistance with opening up the point, we are here.

[Julian]

Thanks, I'll just work on how I define my exposure and socio-phobic kinda moments I arrive at.

The start is - reclusive - and able to live far out of town ... so instead of productivity I suffer physical laziness... but not mental laziness ... I have ideas and plans, proposals and get odd jobs...but consistency is waning.
The second result is - The lethargy which - is a result of toxins .. .most things...
3rd would be the decision - I believe to myself or define to myself that I can make it another day without going into town, there-by waning my responsibilities, procrastination!

(I'm working my first stages of self forgiveness and application)
Will work on the rest of what you said when I next read it.

[kim amourette]

cool Julian

[Julian]

I am going to start with acknowledging that I have been going in circles, trapped within a turbine of thoughts and emotion ... feelings are less - it's a lulled numbness of I feel empty mostly... the odd excitement comes, and obviously intoxication fades away all my emotion, or amplifies it!! What a mess...
Today I sit broken and bruised - black ear and swollen face,ribs feel almost broken.. all over some missing money ... my friend went mad and beat me up ... he got it also! I fear that he may have stolen the money cause he is desperate and I am more like an older brother ... he's an old school friend in a homeless situation so it makes sence.
Anyway... 2 weeks ago I had a party with two crowds, one I didn't know that well ... 3 phones, slops, pillows and who knows what else - missing....
I found my power supply for my mixing desk cut off at the transformer, rendering it un-usable... where to find another one ?
Once a mad freiend of my brothers stayed over from UK, lost the plot and puored the contents of the fridge into my piano ....
My record is being beaten up 4 times in one evening ... won't go into detail but all I did was walk around acting like 'the man' ... best to be a sheep in Zim
The house I live in had 4 robberies in 3 weeks, the one before 2 in 2 weeks ... I've lost 2 studios and smashed up one.

Blahblahlahalhhl ... just getting some shit off my chest so I can let it go and alin myself to a better life before this one ends.
Any suggested reading, advice or just encouragement will be appreciated. /thanks

[Leila]

You could investigate how you created these type of situations for yourself -- meaning, your outer reality is revealing a lot of shit going wrong: things breaking, getting robbed, someone beating you up -- see how you can reflect this point back within yourself. In short: Is your inner reality as much as a mess as your outer reality?

Try and identify where you sabotage yourself within yourself and your reality, where are you making things hard for yourself.
By re-structuring and re-organizing your inner reality you will find yourself more able dealing with situations in your outer reality.
You could also ask yourself why you allow a particular crowd/people in your environment if they end up fucking your stuff up -- what is the point of having such relationships?

[Julian]

Thanks for the support and advice. I will be looking within, aligning and will figure out why I end up becomming so vunerable. Years ago all my friends left Zim for UK, I followed but couldn't cope with life there and arrived back to a vacume. Being guillable and impressionable I just went with the flow until now - where I have stood back, returned to stay with my parents for a few weeks until I find a place to go. The internet is too choppy to participate in the iprocess... it goes down for weeks, or there's no electricty ... so I would loose out - continuity is the key. Will look at options and return.

[Julian]

how did I get here - I guess It was that nagging voice at the back of my head saying that this forum is a place (seems the only place) where I can find common sense and support, so again I am happy to be back. I am going to start by writing out each year of my life for myself - briefly in one paragraph

Year 1-2 = only one memory of crying and no-body there - my parents used to go out alot and granny looked after me.
Year 3-4 = Lots of great memories, asking my mum why her tummy was big - pregnant, learnt to swim, nursery school was great, saw a few ugly things.. jungle gym falls etc.. and my friend Peter died - I remember sitting on the rock we used to sit on and know he's not coming back, so I understood death.
Year 5-6 - Pissed my pants first day at big school ... girls helped me to my ma's car... then it went smooth ... top of class - my ma had taught me maths and reading already
Years 7-11 - Junior school - ups and downs, wins and loss ... normal normal .. did well - was a co-ed school with nice memories, a few fights with the bullys and rebellion to the teachers I did not like - it made all the difference - if my teacher was a prick I switched of.... so I did really well in Grade 5 because my teacher was Nica, fair and strict. (Saw her in J'berg 2 months ago and she remembered me)
12-16 - Senior School --- YUCK - man this is where the ball started rolling downhill - I did have friends, I wasn't lonely but did get beaten nearly every week for stoopid things... like not remembering a prefects name, or while getting beaten turn up late for a class to be sent to get beaten again ...
16 - Left school after O'levels - did a job for a year ... great...
17 -19 Family goes to UK for sebatical ... I start in the IT world, get exploited then get tired of this zero of a life, get sloppy turn up late & get fired .
20-21 - Became an Aupair for triplets - who have since become doctors and lawyers... and are my friends on fB
22 - A Complete waster
23 - 26 - Total shift - leave UK and return to Zim, did Art for 6 months to recover from being a complete waster.... then started Tai-Chi full time, Meditation .. all going well, got a job in the arts at the International School & part time chaffeur.
27-31 - Rock band -Programmed Special fx, website.. flash promo disks, posters... everything except being on stage...did get on a few times to play didge and make fx
32-33 - Back to UK - did voluntary work with homeless on a farm for a few months until I could not take the corruption of the councillers who left the street kids to the volunteers - so I quit and re-visited 3 months later and it had became a drug sex orgy...lady volunteers and broken boys who's only skill is manipulation, then I started a multimedia course in Glasgow - got threatened on the street a nd got scared, ditched the course and ran back to Zim.
34-35 -Life got better, Success with another Band, did all promo disks, site and flyers .... a great time which just came to a stop - no-one signed them up - what a fucking shame - 2 of them are dead now and one is sick ... the rest gave up on glory and play in pubs ....
36-38 -- I travelled Thailand for 6 months... learnt alot, never really found my feet since. ...
Now - Not sure where my feet are but I am standing.

just needed to get that out... messy career eh! I am going to say 21-38 have been a gap year for me.... ready to start college again somewhere once I find the feet on which I stand.

[Julian]

Thanks.

[Julian]

Hi -Maya, Leila, Marleen, Bella - whoever has admin powers ... 'please' delete one of my "Julian's writing to freedom" - I have 2 .... which is now scaring the hell out of me cause I just came here and started writing to freedom - twice it seems ? Hope I'm just being forgetful while de-toxing and not scitzing out on a dual personality - and if so I am glad they are both here writing to freedom lol