Don't quote me as I'm new here and indeed un-aligned.....I am just firstly understanding how and why we manipulate, promise or persuade ourselves into beLIEving justification for emotions, which I guess come from thoughts and lead to feelings.... I am a mess with all these and on my writing to freedom page I have had great common sense advice to make a start to freeing up some space to start over with more common sense, clarity and a sense of dignity ... the notion of equality at this point is just so unreal when I look around me that I can only grasp that here on the forums or sometimes music, sometimes peoples presences. ... but equality is really lacking in the world, this is obvious and I guess it's eating me inside for I have always wanted more equal conditions for all, access to education and clean water blah blah ... but every year it gets worse.
I forgive myself that I, up to this moment have become the embodiment of the saying "When good men do nothing"
I forgive myself that I fear standing up to exploitation - once the debate on salaries for community road fixing comes - I opt for paying casual workers higher wages and then give up the debate - because I was out numbered 9:3 .... all races in that community - all wanting to expliot labour as a community.
I forgive myself that I participated in a community meeting without standing up fully for what is common sense and correct.
I apply directive application by telling the chairman that I opt out of the meetings for they are not standing for equality at all and further driving the rich and poor divide which I cannot be part of.
I forgive myself for letting go, being too laid back and then suffering the consequences of being taken advantage of, over and over .
My first directive application to this was to run back to my parents house for a reprieve (which they could see I needed.. thanks, I am in gratitude to them) and a good internet connection. Once more recovered I will make the next step forward.
I forgive myself that I take things so personally, it really is a over-sensitive unpractical way to get through life...
I apply a directive within to shut up and get tough, I am going to imagine an extra layer of skin around me ... cause I am not thick skinned... what else can I do?
I forgive myself that I allow myself to change so drastically depending on who I am around - I am like a fucking chameleon. It seems my substance moulds into others around me and I feel like energized or depleted, and therefor I forgive myself for taking the shared energy, I know I have consciously enjoyed being high on others ignorance or awe.
So far, to apply myself to balancing my being around others I will drop the alcohol because that definatly amplifies the chi or whatever... indeed I am not going to have a drop of alcohol until I know I can be steady and not become one of 10 demons .
I have to forgive myself for stressing my parents with my issues for years and years, and taking for granted their un-waning support ..
I have already taken steps to become more independent and will pace and apply myself to reverse the cycle and provide support for them, especially as my dad is really old now.
I forgive myself for waking up to inner grief and letting it play on me for at least the first hour of waking - this is a new problem I have recently had, I have had the worst hangs and hangovers but no grief .... I will be self honest, I can only assume it's the side-effects of the pharmacuticals (where's the spell checker!) I have dabbled in over the years. Smile and you get a script in these parts. I forgive myself for abusing myself with any and all substances . I am detoxing now - not all at once but by next week I should be clear of everything except cigarettes... I am not ready to forgive myself for those - hell I would be walking on the ceiling....
I will return and repeat myself until I get this right.