Day 6: Self-Forgiveness – Skull Tattoo, Part 1Day 6: Self-Forgiveness – Skull Tattoo, Part 1
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, due to not wanting and moreover fearing to face the reality of myself within self-image/appearance/self-definitions/body image, to instead require a physically manifest consequence to occur in order to push me to direct the points within myself that were suppressed and to re-align myself to what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let even a moment of backchat accumulate within me in regards to the tattoo and to within this believe that the backchat was valid and as such something that I should participate in and give attention to – thus not seeing that each moment of breath which goes undirected lengthens my process of self-realization, as I am in that moment creating a gap/distance from who I am as Life, which increases the more I entertain such delusions, and thus I am stating that what is going on within the illusion of my mind is more important that who I am as Life – yet, not only who I am as an individual being, but this entire world and existence which is one and equal to myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard and abuse my physical body with my thoughts, not seeing/realizing/understanding that to participate in these thoughts I was in fact sabotaging myself and my ability to change myself in one moment of breath by/through standing as the self-directive principle of myself and stating: No. I stop. I do not allow this within myself or this world – I am interested ONLY in that which is aligned to Life as what is Best for All.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in blame towards the tattoo artist within the belief that it was his fault that I wasn’t satisfied with my tattoo, instead of realizing that it was my responsibility to express and communicate my dissatisfaction in a clear, open manner – without blame or judgment, but within self-direction and care about myself.
I forgive myself that I did NOT accept and allow myself to see/realize/understand that the backchat that arose in relation to the tattoo actually had NOTHING to do with the tattoo in itself, as the tattoo was simply a catalyst to reveal to me what was and had always been inside of me, but that I was not willing myself to look at, correct and let go of within self-direction and self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the self-definition of: ‘I don’t care so much about self-image/appearance/body image’ to impede my ability to be self-honest so as to face these points within myself and let them go – not only for myself, but for all of existence, within the understanding that if it exists in this world, it’s cause/source/origin is within myself as creator of all that is here – thus, I am responsible to stop this, and until these points of self-image/appearance/body image are completely eradicated from my reality as creator, and all component/parts are aligned to what is Best for All - then my process is not done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge such points as self-image/appearance/body image as ‘petty’ as a way to defend/protect myself from facing the actuality of me allowing these points to direct me – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because of judging self-image/appearance/body image as ‘petty’ actually give these points power over me – power which I saw I was allowing to control me, but that due to not wanting to admit this, I was not self-honest about, but only tried/attempted to suppress in vain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that it is shameful for one to allow such points as self-image/appearance/body image to direct them and to thus then instead project a personality of myself as not being affected by such points.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in the fear that if I were to speak up and tell the tattoo artist how I wasn’t satisfied with his tattoo work than he would take it personally, thus I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within this excuse as a way to not have to face potential conflict.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the self-definition that I am not afraid of conflict and that I have no problem speaking up and expressing myself when this is not in fact the case, within this I see that in certain situations I am able to speak up comfortably and directly – yet, this is not a 100% stance, thus is not real unless it is proven real, as an actual expression of myself that stands self-directed in each moment, in all situations/events/occurrences – unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of practically directing the point of not being satisfied with the tattoo, instead remain apathetic and allowed the total impracticality of ‘hope’ to direct me so as to remain complacent and what I believed to be ‘safe’ – yet I was not ‘safe’ in the least, as I due to this went into my mind to ‘figure things out’ which is a dangerous place to go to make any type of decision.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to try/attempt to deny the consequences that were starkly before me – that I was absolutely and totally responsible for - to instead allow the sweet talk of my mind telling me: ‘Don’t worry, everything will be okay,’ which only rendered me useless in coming to any point of real clarity and practical solution to the point.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to my tattoo and to analyze it and deliberately try to find flaws so as to manipulate myself into creating/generating/perpetuating energy with which to enslave myself and keep me preoccupied in my mind instead of breathing here, directing and moving myself to apply a real, tangible solution.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the image of how I wanted the tattoo to look in my mind and to use this as a self-manipulation tool within the fact that I would never be satisfied with how the tattoo looked because it was only a picture image in my mind, thus not real, and never able to be real.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to feel a certain way about the tattoo – to feel proud/excited/happy about the tattoo – and when that didn’t occur I went into reaction and depression and ultimately possession wherein I now wanted/desired/wished to get rid of it, eradicate it from my body so as to not have to face what I was accepting and allowing.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I was able to get rid of the tattoo by/through laser surgery that I ‘everything would be okay’ and that the tattoo was the issues NOT me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create the experience of the skull tattoo haunting me due to separating myself from my physical body and creating my tattoo into an entity within my mind that I charged with backchat which basically spoke out of the skull itself, lol.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in hope as fear with each time that I saw my reflection in the mirror, hoping that I could change the image I was seeing and fearing that I wouldn’t be able to.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was now ‘fucked’ just because my tattoo didn’t turn out as the exact image I had in my mind, thus not seeing/realizing/understanding that the only thing that was ‘fucked’ was me, as what I was accepting and allowing within myself – wherein I was allowing myself to be fucked by my mind to where I was not able to see the image standing before me in the mirror for what it was: a physical human body of flesh, but to instead filter the image reflected back to me in self-judgment/regret/anger/blame/self-hate in comparison to picture images within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others will think of me in regards to my tattoo, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgment and gossip of others when all along I was only judging myself and gossiping within my own mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others will think of me in regards to me admitting I still participate in thoughts/feelings/emotions in regards to self-image/appearance/body image due to believing that these points are ‘petty’ and ‘shallow’ and that I shouldn’t have them at this stage, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are ‘issues’ which are ‘more meaningful’ and bigger/deeper to have and issues which are meaningless/petty/shallow, when really – to even have a single issues within one’s mind, a single thought, a single moment of participating in thoughts/feelings/emotions is complete and total separation, self-abuse and disregard for Life as this physical reality.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compare my body and tattoos to picture images I saw on the internet when looking at other’s tattoos and to within this want/desire to look like the pictures I was seeing – within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to download these images into my mind and to thus then use these images against myself as a way to abuse/ridicule/manipulate and exploit myself so as to distract myself and keep myself preoccupied in chasing after an ever-elusive image that I believed would make me happy/more than/satisfied/complete without stopping to breathe and see what I was in fact doing, and to support myself in bringing myself back to Earth, back to reality, to slow down and see what I was standing one with and equal to by participating in this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within placing emphasis and value in appearance and image, accept and allow the abusive industries which profit off making people feel inferior/less than/flawed/broken/damaged if they don’t match up to a picture image, to exist in this world – within this I realize that these industries could not exist if these points didn’t first exist within each and every one of us, thus it is not these industries that ‘make people’ feel a certain way, the way people feel/think about themselves is already here, these industries simply exploit what is already here for their own self-interest, thus…
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let such industries exist within myself AND within this world – equal and one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care what other people think of me and to within this value other’s THOUGHTS, which can only mean that I value my own thoughts – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by something that can’t even be physically measured, while in the meantime I allow myself to disregard this physical, tangible reality which CAN be measured and is definitely falling to shit while I traipse around and fumble within and throughout the limited confines of my mind.
I do not and will not stand for this, as I see clearly that to allow these types of preoccupations, or any ‘type’ of preoccupation for that matter, is point blank abusive – abusive to myself, to others, and to this entire world and existence, as I realize that in doing this I am accumulating my own insignificance which will, when I die, be wiped from the face of this Earth without existence even batting an eye, as I within participating in such points in no way show that I stand here as Life, as Creator, as all I ever created was insignificance, which adds up to nothing, thus will be eradicated in all its frivolity.
I am not here to become a picture image cut-out which has the ability to turn to ashes in one moment, but am here to be/become Life, equal and one to the physical – that which stands eternal, cannot perish and does not require a picture presentation to exist.
When and as I see myself tempted to participate in inner-commentary about my tattoo – I stop, I breathe – I do not allow myself to follow, but instead remain here, breathing, focused on the practical task at hand, realizing the fact of the matter is that I have permanent ink on my skin and that is that – ink which I do not and will not define myself by.
I see that there are parts of the tattoo that I would like to get touched up – so, I support myself in, when and as the moment arrives when I am able to do this, breathing and directing the point stable, clear, direct without reactions or mind-movement.
I support myself to speak openly with the tattoo artist in regards to how I would like the tattoo to be touched up, and to work with the tattoo artists through communicating directively so as to come to an agreement that is in fact best.
When and as I see myself in a future situation where the opportunity to get another tattoo arises – I will assist/support myself in slowing down, breathing, and considering all points and potential play-outs with mathematical precision to ensure that I can stand by my decision eternally, without any reactions/thoughts/feelings/emotions moving me in any way.
I commit myself to be the self-directive principle of my Life and to within this walk myself out of placing value and emphasis on self-image/appearance/body image as I see clearly what that creates, and that is not a creation that I accept to be here in this reality.
I commit to stopping all points/parts/aspects of myself that are not aligned to the principle of what is best for all life and I walk this in humbleness, taking responsibility for the consequences that I create in the process and direct myself to calculate consequence to what is best for each and every being here, so as to ensure the outcome of my Creation is that of dignity and freedom, not delusion and enslavement.
To be continued...