Joe's Journey to Life

[joe kou]

http://joesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

Sunday, April 15, 2012
Day One - Exposing the Pattern of "Settling" and "Compromising"
Here I begin a new commitment within my process of changing the actual nature of 'me' as I take responsibility for myself and the patterns that I participate in within the realization that I am responsible for all that I think, say, and do and that my existence can and does have an influence within what is going on in our world.

The task here is to write and share my daily process and progress within taking responsibility for how I am living and how I am contributing to the world through what I am accepting and allowing to exist within me - meaning to apply myself within stopping any and all points that is not aligned to bringing about a world that is best for all.

What this means in terms of practicality and implementation is that I will detail the days of my process and expose and correct the points that I face as I walk my process of self-change and self preparation for the next 7 years.

What is fascinating here is that already the mind is wanting to 'shut down' and just 'not go there' - Already I am experiencing the familiar voice within me saying "No, don't do it! You're just gonna fail and become miserable"

Yet my question to myself and to anyone who may be hearing this inner voice would be - where exactly is this voice coming from and are those words the words that we as humanity will continue to allow ourselves to live and be directed by?

As I look back at my life and my experience of myself I see so many points where I simply allowed myself to give in to those voices - and to allow myself to settle for compromise and diminishment time and time again instead of realizing that my fears and resistances were not in fact real and that they were simply defense mechanisms that served the purpose of ensuring that I would never actually stand up and actually change, because that would require discipline and responsibility, which I believed I was not capable of - and even here I must ask myself the question how and where did I create such a belief?

Here as I make the decision to write and share my daily process for the next 7 years, what comes up is the point of 'dimensional shifting' where I am already projecting myself into future scenarios within my mind, where I am thinking about what it would be like if I actually do this, and then going into the polarity of what would happen if I fail, and then creating ideas and pictures about those scenarios instead of deleting such thoughts immediately and bringing myself back HERE to the point of actual, physical participation.

So the first point/pattern that I take responsibility for as my 'inaugural' post in what will be my 7 - year commitment, is the point of allowing myself to 'settle' for the pictures and ideals that I create in my mind instead of doing what it takes to make those 'pictures' a reality, and also the point of placing value in those pictures and becoming disappointed and angry with myself if I am not able to immediately become that picture - not taking into consideration at all the process required for things to manifest in this reality or the fact that quantum time does not apply in our physical world, and that any idea of myself that is based on the quantum time of the mind and my own self-interest will simply 'fall' because the starting point was not in any way practical or effective.

The way that I have most often allowed this pattern of compromise and 'settling' for a picture would be, when taking on a task and making a commitment, I will initially direct myself within a point of 'enthusiasm' within having formed picture ideas in my mind about how great it would be if I could actually do what I set out to do and actually become that which I would like to become - and would within this enthusiasm create more picture ideas and future projections within my mind.

What ends up happening would be I would get to a point of resistance or challenge within the task or commitment that I took on and suddenly the enthusiasm is gone and I am faced with a point where I must actually change and expand myself to be able to continue doing what I had initially set out to do, and here is where the pattern/design of compromise and 'settling' comes into play - where I would give up on doing the necessary work and develop the required skills to make my decision a living reality and would simply lose myself in pictures and ideas as 'nostalgia' of 'what could have been' and simply drown myself in the sea of my expectations as I would go into bouts of depression and self judgment as methods to further distract and manipulate myself to simply lock myself down as those experiences of sadness and regret instead of standing back up immediately and pushing forward and not giving up.

So here I begin with self forgiveness first on my past and this pattern of settling for experiences within my mind as nostalgia and regret instead of realizing that I am HERE and the moment of change is HERE -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'console' myself by indulging in emotions and 'nostalgia' in my mind when looking at the points in my life where I allowed myself to give up and listen to the voice of self-doubt instead of willing myself to stand and do whatever was necessary to stand by and as my decisions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will always be ineffective and unable to actually achieve the things I would like to achieve and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as 'nostalgia' and memories and experiences within my mind within accepting those memories and experiences as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and undermine my own self-directive will each time I allowed myself to give in to resistance and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my experiences and emotions and 'gut feelings' greater and more real than who I am as life, as self-movement and self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my experiences and memories and thoughts a 'priority' within my living application instead of aligning my priorities with principles which I can stand by which will ensure that I become the greatest possible expression of me in my life and to live in such a way that supports the emergence of a world that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to settle for pictures and thoughts and self-created experiences within my mind instead of letting that go and realizing that I am still HERE and that as long as I am still here I am responsible for myself and for the world that I am creating through the patterns and habits and ideas/beliefs that I am participating in and allowing within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own past and to allow resistance to determine who I am within my relationship with myself and how I will direct myself in each moment.

I stop. When and as I see myself participating in the pattern of 'settling' for pictures and ideas and experiences and 'what ifs' and 'if only I could have' - I do not allow myself to further participate and I will myself to bring myself back HERE in the realization that self-creation is a process that is only able to be walked in real-time, and that the corrections and realizations must be done in real-time - thus whenever I participate in nostalgia or thoughts/fantasies about the past or projected futures I am actually robbing myself of and denying myself access to the greatest gift that is here in this reality - the gift of the PHYSICAL and the opportunity to change me by changing my participation and relationship with the physical.

Thus I stop myself and walk my correction and do not look back again and each and every time I catch myself I stand again until it is done.

So this begins the first 'chapter' in my process of daily writing and exposing the patterns that I as the system I have allowed myself to become, have been existing as - so that as I assist and support myself within my writing and self-forgiveness and self-correction stop the dishonesty and diminishment within myself.

I commit and dedicate myself to this walking of self responsibility for the next seven years as I take my life within my hands one point - one day - one breath at a time.

[joe kou]

http://joesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2 ... rator.html

Day Two - I am not a Narrator
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a 'narrator' within my own mind as I tell myself to 'story' of my life with the various experiences and emotions and feelings that make up the story of “Joe's Life”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the very voice within my mind that is narrating the experiences and feelings and emotions that I experience as the 'main character' who's life is being narrated and commented on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the voices and thoughts and comments within me that are about my life, about the people around me, about my experience of myself as my mind, about my environment – always 'about' something and never actually directly expressing a point as what it is – wherein I am actually only looking at and considering that which is in my world through the starting point of my own mind as the 'narrator'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, throughout my life, exist as and further compound my addiction to commenting and 'narrating' within my backchat and to exist as a constant flow of backchat comments that overlay upon what is actually here in this world, in this reality, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions and to have allowed myself to express myself within the starting point of believing that I am determining my reality and that the way I experience myself within the relationships that I have formed and shaped within my mind as that very point of backchat and self narration in my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on and trust this 'narrator' within me where I am looking at my life and my world and my environment and allowing myself to follow along and simply go along with whatever the 'narrator' says as my mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions, and pictures wherein I abdicate myself and allow myself to remain a 'character' in the 'story of my life' as dictated and directed by my backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the 'experience' of me as real instead of realizing that who I am is not an 'experience' and is not in any way based on energy or polarity such as ups and downs, right or wrong, good or bad – who I am is not and has never been energy and I do not require a narrator to 'tell me' what is going on – I am able to see directly what is here but simply did not allow myself to due to fear of losing 'myself' as the narrator.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when participating in my day and doing what I require to do in order to survive in the world system, fall into the habit and addiction to nostalgia and memories and replaying past experiences, as well as allowing myself to exist as the 'narrator' that is dictating as my backchat what is 'going on within me' instead of realizing that what is 'going on within me' is my own responsibility and that it is not acceptable to continue allowing myself to exist in this way because I am not taking into consideration what is ACTUALLY going on – not just 'within me' as experiences and self-interest but what is in fact happening within this world – and the manifested consequences we are not facing as the result of having existed as the 'narrator' within the mind instead of living HERE within and as Oneness and Equality which has led to collective separation and madness within the consciousness of the human.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'lose' myself within and as my mind as the comments and reactions and feelings and emotions that 'unfold' like a story as told by an omnipresent 'narrator' which as become me as my secret mind – as my backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to completely stifle and limit myself within accepting myself as my backchat – as thoughts, feelings, emotions, and as fluctuations of energy from positive to negative – believing that this is 'life'.

So I commit myself to stopping this pattern within myself and to support myself in whatever means and methods available to me in each moment to give myself back to myself and to stop existing as this 'narrator' that has become content with the way things are as long as I get to 'tell the story' and revel in the twists and turns of the plot as I generate energy through allowing myself to be taken on a 'ride' within my mind – energy which is actually coming from the very substance of me – the very point that allows me to be alive and truly express myself as a living being that is not just a story within a mind.

I commit myself to supporting myself and to become aware of my participation within 'narrating' as I participate in my day and to stop myself when and as I notice myself 'narrating' or 'telling a story' about myself or about people in my world, because I see and understand that the more I allow myself to create stories and backchat within 'me' as my mind, the more compounded the experience of me as 'ego' and as my mind becomes – and whatever consequences that may arise from my being absent from being HERE and participating in my world within effective self direction and self movement will be my own responsibility – thus I rather be aware of my participation and direct myself and ensure that what I do, what I speak, and how I live and express myself will be able to stand the test of time and be measurably accumulative to a result that is best for all instead of just being a 'story' that inflates the ego and energetic existence of myself as a 'narrator'.

I am not a narrator within my mind. My words and actions – as well as my silence and inaction – have direct consequential outflows that I am responsible for regardless of how 'well intentioned' or how 'engrossing' the story I am telling myself may be.

[joe kou]

Day Three: "Comfortably Numb"

During my ride home from work tonight I was becoming frustrated and angry within myself and became lethargic on the way back, allowing myself to sink into my seat and gaze out of the window as the world passed by – in that very physical expression of me I was living out my internal experience of wanting to just 'give up' and accept that this is all that life is going to be and that it is 'too late' for me to really do any drastic changes or be able to change my life, and that I am simply 'stuck' with the responsibilities I have now and that the rest of my life is already 'set in stone' and that there will be nothing else but working for a living and spending the majority of my life working and doing things that I do not want to be doing, participating in a system that I see is abusing all that is here, and having no 'way out'.

So there in the seat of the car I allowed myself to 'sink' down into myself into a point of despair – but really what is going on is me allowing myself to give in to my fear and to not accept and see the fact that it is me who is not actually changing and that it is me who is not allowing myself to 'change my life' because I have allowed myself to become addicted to the idea of 'me' and the 'experiences' that I have had as my 'life experience' even though I would not like to continue having the same 'life experience', at the same time I am still not allowing myself to fully let go of it either.

It is fascinating, this habit of allowing myself to listen to the mind and allowing myself to enter states of experience and reaction based on my own backchat when I am in fact the one who is creating the backchat and allowing it to exist within me to begin with.

I see that this experience of me feeling as though I am trapped in somebody else life is in a way an accurate description because the 'life' that I am resisting is the life that is actually physically here – it is the life that I am currently walking and working with – and the life that I believe I 'should' have is the life within my mind, built upon my backchat and fantasies which have not way to actually practically be implemented or lived for real and thus remain as echoes within a cave – resonating and causing disruptions in the vacuum of my backchat/secret mind that ripple out into my practical reality.

The point that I am seeing within this is that I am not alone in this world and that I, like the other beings who inhabit this world and this reality are currently having to participate in things that do not make any sense at all – things that are part of a monetary system that has been allowed to dominate every single aspect of our existence, and that I am certainly not alone in facing decisions and having to make certain compromises in order to survive and make a 'decent living' in the current system.

So for me to go into reactions and judgments and having a 'defeatist' mentality about myself, my situation, and my general position within the world matrix is actually me allowing for the current system to have validity and to allow the current system to determine how I experience myself within it and to always remain a victim and accept things as the way they are – and to try to blame the system for my own self experience within it instead of realizing that practically I cannot, by myself, change this entire world system and that what requires to be done is individuals taking responsibility first at the individual level, establishing self-trust within walking in this current system not to become a part of the system per se, but to understand it and stand AS it, instead of trying to fight the system out of a sense of righteousness.

The 'system' is a reflection of who I am and who we each are. Thus I would say for all of the beings in the world who, like myself, may have had a 'rough day' at work or are having experiences of wanting to 'give up' and become 'numb' in order to get through another week or even another day at the 'job', this is NOT who we are – this is simply the system we have allowed to exist because of who we have allowed ourselves to become in relation to the world we create and as we push ourselves to not give in to the emotions and feelings and take responsibility for the reactions that come up within our minds, we are able to see past the lives that we create in order to 'deal with' our jobs, and 'deal with' the life we have come to accept – and we do not have to resort to 'numbing' ourselves from our experiences in order to 'get by' and try to stay 'in control' of ourselves as we work within this current system – because it is not the system that is making us sick – it is the sickness within ourselves that we have not allowed ourselves to face and understand which is mirrored and represented in the world we are creating.


Self Forgiveness on allowing myself to 'numb' to 'cope' with difficulties

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to numb myself by allowing myself to become lethargic and want to just 'give up' and accept that this is just the way life is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself participate within ideas and beliefs that the way this system is now is the way it is going to remain and that I should just 'get used to it' and give up on doing whatever it takes to change me and to change the world that I am creating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow for the experience of wanting to 'give up' and 'accept the system' and allow for the lives of human beings to simply diminish as they are consumed by the very system that is created by our collective acceptance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by my 'mood' and by my 'experience' as my backchat and feelings/emotions which are based on energy which is generated within and as my mind and within this to not take into consideration what is actually here and to look at things practically based on what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to find a way to express myself and live myself in a way that is best for all within my current situation and within this to allow myself to judge myself as self-manipulation and deliberately lose myself in my emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is just 'too much' and life is just 'too hard' and that I do not have what it takes to stand no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in lethargy and defeatism when there are billions of beings in this world right now who would not hesitate at all to change places with me because I am actually one of the elite of this world who have access to opportunities that billions of human beings will never have.


Self Correction on 'numbness'

When I see/notice myself slumping down or physically sinking and allowing myself to express myself within and as a point of going 'numb' I STOP and release the tension in my body and instead allow myself to relax and be comfortable physically without going into an expression of 'slumping' wherein I am making the statement that I am not here and that I am not able to direct myself and that my experiences are 'too much'.

When I see/notice myself in a point of 'going numb' and becoming lethargic/despondent where I gaze upon the world blankly while I retreat within myself and simply allow the world to 'happen' around me I STOP and walk as the realization that I am responsible for what is here and that if I allow myself to go numb and just watch the world go on, I am making the statement that I accept and condone the state of the world and allow for it to continue the way it is.

Thus I stop myself within this point of deliberately going 'numb' instead of directing myself and supporting myself in whatever challenges may and will come as I walk myself to correction in this, my only life, so that I can stand as a point of correction within the world that I am creating.
­________________________________________________________________________________

Self forgiveness on who I am within the world system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility within this world and this reality by allowing myself to believe that this is just the way things are and that the rest of my life will be empty and meaningless because I must give up my life in order to work and make a living and within this abdication and acceptance, to make the statement that I allow for all human beings to exist this way due to my own fear and lack of self-worth and self-trust to stand up within and as this system and insist that there is indeed another way for life to exist here and that anything less than oneness and equality and the unconditional support of life within it's expression is not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and co-create a world in which beings give the majority of their lives over to working and having to do things that do not in fact support the existence of life and instead have caused the reverse effect of life self-destructing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and co-create a world in which a being must constantly and continuously compromise who they are as life due to having to develop and maintain relationships and personalities and skills that are geared toward being successful within the current system which requires that one compromise the inherent dignity and value of life within ourselves and within others in order to play the game of survival and to obtain money and profit a the expense of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a world based on self-interest and the constant fear and need to secure self-survival due to not seeing and realizing that the world is able to exist within forming relationships based on the realization and understanding of our codependent nature as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to , as a creator within and as this world and this reality, not take into consideration what is best for all and to consider all beings equally and to assist myself and others as myself to take this point into consideration within the way we are currently creating our world.


Self correction when looking at points within the world -

When and as I see myself considering a point that is here in this world I will myself to always consider each dimension of the issue and take into consideration what is best for all as well as to seek without judgment or condemnation the source of how it is that this point was created, because I am one and equal to and as that very source and if I stand in judgment and separation then I am not able to actually and fully take responsibility for a point – and if I am not taking responsibility for a point that I see requires direction then I am equal to what I am accepting and allowing.

Thus when I look at or consider a point that is here in this reality it is not to just point it out and say that there is something wrong – because that would imply that I have actually stood fully as all the points that brought this point into being, so rather than pointing a finger at something and insisting that I 'know better' than all of creation as me as to how this point was created, rather I seek to correct the source of that point within and as myself first, and then support others as myself to see what I was able to see.

So practically speaking when exploring a subject or looking at a point that is here in this reality I do not allow myself to take on a point of ego/superiority and instead allow myself to stand as all points that brought this particular point into existence to ensure that all points are considered and that my starting point is what is best for all.

[joe kou]

Day Four: Who I am as “I Fucked Up”

It is so very easy to become clouded and absolutely taken over by our backchat when we are not here, supporting ourselves, and disciplining ourselves to write and expose the 'gunk' that is able to build up within our minds that become actual layers that are laid on top of the reality that is here – where instead of seeing things directly for what they are we instead see the projections backchat that accrue within us through what we have allowed ourselves to become as living power units that generate energy for the mind through and as constant streams of thoughts and pictures and beliefs and ideas and all of the emotional energetic movement that goes along with it.

It is very easy for one to become lost within the mind and to exist entirely within a point of possession – and while some points of possession are able to be cleared up with writing, self-forgiveness, and making the decision to change and take responsibility for a point, other kinds of possession may require a longer process of dismantling before one gets to the actual core point – and sometimes requires that one experience pain as a 'shock' to jolt one back to reality.

Within looking at a point that has been 'haunting' me lately, I saw that the more I tried to 'deal with it' and try to ignore it and 'go on with my life' – the more this point became the dominant point that would take up most of my energy and attention and would actually influence and direct all the things that I would do. I noticed that I was becoming less effective at work, and growing less comfortable being around others, and becoming more and more 'fed up' with the way my life was going in general – and within this I would simply try to busy myself and bury myself with work, or I would deliberately occupy or entertain myself so that I would not have to think about or face this point that had been haunting me.

The point I speak of is specific to me holding on to regrets of my past and not allowing myself to actually let go and forgive myself for past mistakes and within this becoming envious and jealous of other beings who seemed to have 'moved on' and are doing 'better' within their lives while I continued experiencing myself as trapped and simply 'unable' to let go of 'what could have been' and the opportunities that I did not allow myself to fully invest myself in due to fear and self interest.

The hardest point to face within this was the realization and knowing that there is no denying that I missed an opportunity within my life and that I am in all ways responsible for the consequences of not standing up and changing myself in that window of opportunity even though it seemed so impossible and difficult at the time. Within this knowing that I am the one who sabotaged me and that I am the one who allowed myself to deliberately and spitefully hold on to my fears instead of embrace an opportunity to explore and change myself and push myself to no longer accept the version of me that was built on years of self judgment and fear, it had become difficult to actually forgive myself and actually develop the self-trust and self-respect to continue walking my process.

Within this point of guilt and shame for seeing and knowing that I had 'fucked things up' within what I was accepting and allowing within me, I took on a point of believing it was all 'my fault' and that I cannot be trusted again because I am a 'bad guy' and that I was an 'evil person' and that evil people should be put away and punished – which is the mentality that we has society have adopted when we look at the way we 'process' the criminals – the 'bad people' in our world – we put them away, lock them up, seclude them so that they cannot harm us anymore and expect them to 'repent' in isolation for their crimes, never to be accepted back into society the same way again, if the ever do end up having the opportunity to leave their confinement and re-enter.

So what I am seeing here is by my own participation in accepting the idea and belief that because I had made a mistake and allowed myself to become possessed and directed by my fear and self-interest as self-preservation as the mind in that particular moment in my life, I then believed that I had done something 'bad' and that because of this I ended up creating manifested consequences for myself as well as for the other beings involved, and this is something that I cannot 'fix' or 'take back' – and thus something that I, like a prisoner, must live with and accept because it is my consequence as 'punishment' – where I then took it upon myself to judge myself and hold a grudge against myself because apparently I was 'unforgivable', seeing 'fault' as a burden instead of realizing that it is actually an opportunity in disguise.

Within the application of writing and making a decision to support myself out of my mind and into and as my practical physical reality, I began to unwind the knotted ball that had become the accumulated backchat and self judgment within me that had been 'haunting' me for months as I tried to get a grip on myself but did not allow myself to instead LET GO and realize that what happened in that moment in my life happened because I was not allowing myself to see the obvious point of what I was creating and what I was doing to myself through my acceptances and thus the 'scenario' had to play out in my actual physical experience where I had to come face to face with the 'evil' that was me so that I could no longer hide or try to manipulate my way out of it.

Within this it was nothing 'personal'. I realize that I had done things that were not acceptable and were manipulative and deceptive and hurtful to myself and other beings, and I do 'regret' that it had to happen that way for me to be able to see and face the consequences of the hell that was already existing within me, and I 'regret' not changing myself then and there, in that moment with the beings involved, live the decision to stop the fear and stop continuing to diminish me.

Now that I am moving myself within an application of daily self support and exposing the patterns that I have existed as I am seeing that I am not a 'bad person' and that when I allow myself to fully investigate a point instead of holding a grudge against myself and feeling sorry about the past and the pain that I had created within my life and how that may have affected the life of another – when I allow myself to see past the context of my own emotions and my own ego and my own self judgments and allow myself to understand what is going on, there is actually no need to be afraid or ashamed or angry with myself, and I am able to let go of that which I allow myself to stand equal to within my self forgiveness.

We walk this process as ourselves, facing individual points that seem so personal, and the pain and regret and 'harshness' of what we must face as the consequences we have created may seem overwhelming – but when we support ourselves effectively and see past the ego and let go of the starting point of the mind as self-interest and consider the nature of existence and how our participation is influencing all that is here as creation – we see it is nothing personal at all and that we are responsible for EVERY BIT of this creation from the smallest atom to the cosmos itself – we are the ones who have always been responsible and we are all equal in this responsibility – thus it is not personal – and this is not a 'race' to the finish – we are in this together and we are all in pain because we have not seen, have not understood, have not accepted the power and responsibility we have as creators, and in our ignorance we have created suffering for ourselves and each other as ourselves, and any pain we experience within ourselves or may inflict upon others, is the pain of all – is the pain of who we are as one as equal in the agony of our separation.

Thus I commit to walking and sorting out that which exists within me as that which exists within all and I will myself to undo and stop the pain that is caused by the separations that I am still allowing within myself – I do this within my commitment firstly to myself as life, wherein I walk my process no matter what and find ways to stand as what is best for all in all circumstances that I may face, until we all stand equally together within what is best for all and forever undo the harm we do to ourselves as life.


Self Forgiveness as “I fucked up”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say and repeat the statement “I fucked up” within and as my backchat when looking at a specific moment within my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the statement “I fucked up” when looking at that specific moment in my life and allowing myself to remain in the past as an experience in my mind where I am not actually looking at or considering what is here, but rather creating and feeding an alternate universe within myself where I am trying to sort out the 'past'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become depressed and lethargic and want to 'give up' after having stated the phrase “I fucked up” within my backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally that I made mistakes within a specific moment in my life and to regret not being able to 'make amends' and to stop the pain within me, not realizing that the pain is me not forgiving myself and not allowing myself to see the consequences simply as consequences and are nothing to take personally or be ashamed of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot forgive myself for making a mistake that I was aware I was making but did not stop myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to return to that past moment and 'regain' that which I believe I have 'lost' when all that is here, is HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that due to having made mistakes and not standing up within myself then and there, that I am forever to simply bear the burden of guilt and shame as my 'punishment' and within this to live as the statement “I fucked up” for the rest of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the statement 'I fucked up' as a point of self punishment within not wanting to take direct responsibility which implies that I face the point again and correct the relationship that requires to be corrected within myself, and actually forgive myself.


Self Correction on the point of “I fucked up”

When I see and notice myself saying or allowing the words “I fucked up” within and as me, I stop and do not allow myself to repeat those words again, and stand within and as presence and consider that the consequences of my mistakes allow me the practical opportunity to change and correct myself and is not about me holding a grudge or judging myself because of the mistake.

I see and realize that I have limited time and limited windows of opportunity and in the walking of my process I will face many points and falling and making mistakes is a part of this process but does not require that I be so hard on myself that I become enslaved by the mistakes and by the past.

I do not accept or allow myself to continue living the term “I fucked up”. I support myself within what I see has occurred, forgive myself of the pain I have caused within my life and the lives of others involved, and support myself to stand as a solution to that very point so that if/when it arises again I do not fall and and stand as an example so that others as myself do not have to fall either to face the same point.


Self Forgiveness on Jealousy and Envy of others within “I fucked up”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is unfair that I experience myself within pain and self diminishment that seems to go on forever while others seems to move on and have 'beter lives'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pick and choose the things that I see and to 'remix' them within my mind to create and support the story that “I fucked up” and everyone else is apparently doing great and moving on to better things and will leave me behind forever because I 'fucked up'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am powerless to change myself and that I am stuck in the 'unfair' position of not being able to free myself from the pain and mistakes of the past when in fact I am at all times responsible not only for freeing myself, but for creating the pain in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become jealous and envious of others who seem to be doing better without considering what they are actually facing or dealing with and only allowing my own interpretation based on my own story of me being a 'victim' of my mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say the words “That could have/should have been me” within myself when I see others in expressions that I believe and judge to be 'enjoyment'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from those whom I judge and those whom I allow myself to become jealous or envious of.


Self correction on jealousy and envy within 'I fucked up'

When and as I see or notice myself within a reaction of jealousy or envy toward another being within an expression where I believe they are 'having fun' or enjoying themselves or in general seeming to be 'better off' or 'doing better' than I am, I stop and breathe and live the realization that they are me and that I in fact do not know what they are currently walking or facing, and that what I am seeing and reacting to is actually points that I am not allowing myself to embrace and develop and expand for myself.

When I see and notice myself within a point of jealousy or envy I stop and support myself to look at what it is that I am believing myself to be missing and how it is that I have separated myself from that point, and embrace and live that point as myself instead of allowing self to become jealous of others.

____________________________________________________________________________

Self Forgiveness – What I create as “I fucked up”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create prisoners and outcasts within my participation and belief of “I fucked up” wherein I allow myself to shackle myself to the mistakes of the past and allow myself to be abused as 'punishment' for my 'crime'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within a system that creates the idea that one has 'fucked up' and will never have an opportunity to forgive themselves, change themselves, and be able to restore their point of dignity and honor as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the countless number of people who decide to give up because of the idea and belief that they 'fucked up' and there is nothing that can be done about it.

I commit myself to finding a solution for this world to stop this statement of 'I fucked up' and stopping the current systems that punish, exclude and abuse instead of support those who have made mistakes.

I commit myself to stopping the self abuse within me and from there stopping the self abuse within and as all – because all abuse is self abuse and there will be no end to abuse until it ends in each part of me that is life.

[joe kou]

Day Five: Like it or Not I am an Example to all Life – Part One

Day Five: Like it or Not I am an Example to all Life – Part One

In looking at the point of what it means to walk this dedication and commitment to daily write and share and expose the points and patterns that I am facing as I walk my process of uncovering the layers of 'me' and supporting myself to get back to a point of 'nothingness' where I am able to stand one and equal as the point of creation and from there create myself again within a starting point of oneness and equality, I am seeing and realizing that this is a responsibility not to be taken lightly.

What is 'unfolding' within me as I discipline myself within this daily commitment as well as reading the posts of others who have joined this agreement, is that we are in fact living examples of life and we are in fact responsible in all ways for the words we write, the points we share, and the resolve with which we walk our process.

This sense of responsibility is something that I have, for much of my life, been afraid of and have extensively resisted – because it implies that must be responsible for myself in all ways and that I must face any and all consequences that may result from my action(s) or inaction(s).

But where there was once fear and resistance and an entire array of excuses and justifications as to why it was apparently acceptable that I continue to hide from and reject this point of responsibility, there is now a point of realization that I am, and have always been, an example of what life is, and that I am, and always have been, walking my point of consequence for what I am accepting and allowing within me.

So the point that I am seeing is that like it or not, I am an example of life and at all times I am directly contributing and influencing what is here in the world by my very beingness. So any excuse of believing that I apparently have the 'right' to hold on to secrets and judgments and nasty backchat toward myself and others because 'nobody will know' and maybe I can 'get away with it' is absolutely delusional because it is not taking into consideration the fact that I am at all times RIGHT HERE, living out and resonating all that is within me, from the way I walk, the way I breathe, the posture of my body throughout the day – at all times, in all ways, I am sharing and communicating to the world as existence the 'beingness' of me, and this beingness is influencing how others see and relate to this reality because by me simply being here, I am standing as a reflection of this world – I am standing as a point of reference to all beings who are able to see me. Although what beings see when they look at me is influenced by where they are within their own process and individual points, I am still responsible for the example that I stand as within myself.

For example, if I allow myself to remain lethargic or apathetic to the world and simply 'carry on' about my life, 'going with the flow' and not 'rocking the boat', then that is the example I am setting to all other beings in my world – that is the example that I am allowing others to integrate and interact with and possibly become – so it is not 'my choice' to simply isolate myself and try to 'hold out' and 'suffer' quietly in the corner and not take responsibility for myself – because this behavior has consequences that extend beyond my own personal bubble.

So a fascinating point I see within this is that for all of my life I have been afraid of setting the 'wrong example' and fearing that I am not 'good enough' and that I am apparently 'unworthy' to stand up as a point of responsibility in this world, but the very consequence of this fear is that I have been living a life of constant and continuous self sabotage and diminishment where I have continuously gone from one point of compromise to another and allowed myself to completely become a slave to the system, which is the example that I have been living as – and as such has been the picture that I present to the beings in my world – my fellow co-creators of existence – that this is apparently the way a creator should live and behave and thus influence this world and this reality as our creation.

For so long I have allowed myself to 'put up with' doing things in the name of survival, in the name of maintaining some sense of 'control' when really it has always been about suppressing my fears and anxieties – doing whatever it takes to survive in this world often requiring that I do things that I was not comfortable with – things that I did not agree with – things that I did not like to do – things that I required to become good at and skilled at in order to make money, in order to function properly in the context of the world that we are creating – but I did not consider that if I am able to put in so much effort, so much diligence, and go through so much pain and compromise in my life, then I am able to be just as disciplined, just as diligent, within no longer accepting compromise and no longer allowing myself to be an example of diminishment.

I can see that this is the beginning of a vast point and I would like to walk this in more detail, so I will proceed bit by bit as I walk my realization that I am at all times an example and what this implies in terms of my responsibility and what I am accepting and allowing within myself and thus within existence in posts to follow.

For now I will begin with Self Forgiveness and Self Correction for the points opened up so far -


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT consider and realize that I am here at all times as the physical and that I am therefore at all times an example of what I am accepting and allowing within how I am living and expressing myself as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to 'give up' and 'stop being an example' by isolating myself when in fact I would then become the very example to all of existence of how to isolate oneself and abdicate one's responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration the fact that because I am physically always here and I am always manifesting and facing that which exists within me, then this implies that anything which I allow to exist within me becomes a part of the example that I am setting for the rest of existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not responsible for the example that I am setting to the rest of existence as myself and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prolong the suffering and the length and nature of process that must be walked not only for myself but all of existence as me who have been influenced by my own stance and the example that I have been living as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration the thoughts, words, and deeds that I allow within me and as my expression and to disregard the realization that my thoughts, words, and deeds have an effect upon other beings who may integrate and take within themselves the very nature and starting point of the thoughts, words, and deeds that I am living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to continue living as personalities and dimensional shifts because apparently it is just affecting me and nobody else and that I should have the 'right' to not support myself effectively and stop the backchat and dimensional shifts within me, not taking into consideration that I am standing as an example for this entire existence and if I do not change the nature of me, I am actually holding back the totality of existence as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the mind to such an extent that I have disregarded the fact that I am not my thoughts, feelings, or emotions and that who I am is HERE and what I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in whether I am HERE or in the mind, I am equally responsible for.

I see and realize whether I want to be or not, I am always a part of this reality and as such I am always an example and that whatever I stand equal to and allow within myself will be what I contribute and manifest within this reality as my creation and responsibility.

Thus I support myself and will myself to ensure that I am effective in taking all points into consideration as my thoughts, words, and deeds so that I am standing as the most effective example I am able to be in this world, so that the reflection that I stand as when others see me reflects that which is best for all, instead of that which diminishes and compromises.

I accept and embrace my responsibility as an example to all life not as a point of ego or superiority but as a realization and acknowledgment of the oneness and equality that has always been here but has been lost and warped within the mind as ego, as separation, as the fear of being responsible for all of creation equal and one. I realize that I am walking a process and that within this process I am facing that which I did not and have not taken responsibility for and that we are all in this process together – which implies that each and every one of us is an example not only for ourselves, but for all of life.

Thus I commit to walking this process to stand as the best example I am able to be and humbly walk and learn and expand as I embrace the examples set by 'others' as myself.

[joe kou]

Day Six: Like it or Not I am an Example to all Life Part Two - My Example as Words

Day Six: Like it or Not I am an Example to all Life Part Two - My Example as Words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the thoughts, feelings, and emotions within my mind which accumulate into 'experiences' and 'memories' into which I am apparently able to exist without consequences and within this to not take into consideration what I am doing and what I am participating in in each moment, in each breath as I live and breathe here in the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to and distracted by the experiences and thoughts and pictures within my mind instead of considering and seeing and directing what is actually here in my practical and physical reality within placing more value within my energetic experiences generated in the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT consider and realize that whether or not I want to accept it, I am responsible for how I am living and what I am accepting and within this I am responsible for all future ripple effects of my thoughts, my actions, and my deeds and within this it does not matter what my intentions were or how sorry I might be for consequences that have resulted in abuse and harm, I am still responsible in every way for what I created whether I was 'aware' or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT take into consideration that in the same manner that I have been influenced and affected by the thoughts, words, and actions of others throughout my life and that the patterns and expressions that I have been 'exposed to' have an effect on my development, my words, my actions, and my deeds affect the development of others as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist actually applying the phrase “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” within the belief that I can get away with not taking others into consideration and only considering my own wants and needs in order to satisfy my addiction to pre-programmed thoughts and energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the mind as my backchat and as my personalities to speak for me instead of me standing here as life and speaking as life, direct and unconditional, expressing that which is here as me in the consideration of what is best for all within the realization that I am a creator and that my words are creating and influencing this reality and therefore it is not my 'right' to simply 'think' and 'say' whatever I want without taking into consideration the consequences of my thoughts and words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be specific with my words and the way that I communicate and share myself within having accepted my current use of language and personality as my main means of communication without taking into consideration the effects of my words when spoken in separation as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be specific with the words that I think, speak, and write within believing that I am not responsible for the results of placing such words into existence through and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use words as 'playthings' and 'accessories' within the design of me and expression of me as personalities instead of taking into consideration the actual manifested consequences of the those who hear and integrate my words whether they are written, spoken, or lived through my beingness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself as the mind within and as personalities that do not in any way take responsibility or consider the consequences of my expression in the context of what is best for all within oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this responsibility is 'too much' and to fear and resist having to face the consequences of the words that I live when I am already, at all times, living and facing the consequences of the words that I have lived.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot take responsibility for all of my thoughts, words, and deeds because I am apparently 'limited' when this is actually a point of self manipulation and a backdoor to not take personal responsibility for what I am creating as a creator of this existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow myself down and 'check in' with self-honesty before speaking and writing and to allow the thoughts and words that come up within me to direct me and create consequences within this world that I am not self-directing.

I commit myself to correcting myself and purifying the words that I think, write, and speak so that they are words that I am actually able to live and stand as into eternity and to take into consideration the consequences that my thoughts, words, and deeds have within the creation of this reality.

I commit myself to the stopping of abuse through separation from and as words and push and will myself to stand as living words that all are able to live equally.

[joe kou]

Day Seven : On the Seventh Day God Rested - But my BACKCHAT DIDN'T and Created Hell!

Today I woke up within and as a point of resistance and due to me allowing myself to be directed by my mind the first moment I awoke, the rest of my day progressed within me not being HERE and not effectively directing myself or my day.

I see that the reason I did not get up and direct myself from the very moment I awoke was because I was not taking responsibility for a task that I require to do – a task that I am responsible for and has a certain 'due date'. Because I allowed myself to become intimidated by the point and allowed myself to participate in resistance and fear within doing this particular task, I allowed myself to in that moment of deciding “I don't want to do this task” abdicate my self responsibility and allow my mind to create a series of justifications and excuses based on self-interest which simply kept compounding within me through the last couple of days.

Because I did not stop and investigate and take responsibility for this point that I have been resisting, I created a stronger and stronger resistance to it until finally the point just became 'too much' because I had given it so much energy within and as my mind that I had actually formed another reality/dimension into which I had trapped myself (we actually are CREATORS and we do have such a power to create entire worlds into which we trap ourselves just like Anu had done.)

Within creating the justifications and excuses and already laying out for myself the 'script' of how and why it is that I will not be taking direct responsibility and directing this point and completing the task in a timely manner, I as the creator of my world manifested the very backchat and excuses and justifications that would prevent me from doing the task.

Into the afternoon, I had gotten myself totally lost in the maelstrom of my creation as excuses and justifications for not being able to direct this point of completing this task which I had been putting off for nearly two weeks, and found myself becoming nasty and irritable about every little thing – as though all of it was 'wrong' and all of it was somehow to 'blame' – which is exactly the logic and reasoning behind the mind as ego within creating excuses and justifications as to why I am apparently 'unable' to take responsibility and create the illusion that it is not 'my fault' and that the world is just too 'hard' to deal with and so I had no 'choice' but to compromise myself.

Later into the afternoon I realize that I had indeed trapped myself within my own acceptances and allowances – from the very moment I awoke into and as that very manifestation of my backchat, the 'script' that I had created was being executed and played out perfectly.

Within this there was first the layer of self judgment where I saw that I could not blame the world for what I myself created, and so I turned he blame inwards upon myself – which was simply just another way for me to not take responsibility and actually get to the core point of what I was resisting – so firstly I realized that there is absolutely no point in me getting angry or upset with myself because that would just further feed and compound the point of my resistance.

I then gave myself a moment to sit and write out the point and write self forgiveness on the thoughts and the backchat within me, which then allowed me to bring myself back HERE to be able to see and unconditionally uncover what is going on with me – and it was fascinating to see the intricacy of the 'story' that I had created within my backchat and how the manifested consequences of my backchat were so very specific to the very points that I was not allowing myself to stand within and take responsibility for.

So here I see that we are in fact at all times creating the 'script' that is our lives – that we are in fact fully responsible for all facets of our experience and when we even for one moment allow our ego or self-interest to create a 'dimensional shift' where we launch ourselves into an alternate dimension/reality, that alternate dimension/reality which we believe to be safe and hidden away in our minds where nobody can see or hold us accountable for will in fact wreak havoc in our actual practical reality as we are 'forced' to face the consequences of our creation as thoughts, words, and deeds in every detail.

The other point that I saw within this is that when and as I notice a point where I am resisting, that is when I require to push through the resistance instead of allowing myself to hide from it or create excuses or alternate realities to hide within. The point of resistance is NOT real and is not in any way valid.(Great interview on the nature of 'resistance' and how to stop being a slave to it HERE at the Eqafe store)

After stabilizing myself and bringing myself back here within and as self honesty and self-responsibility I saw that the resistance was simply a fear that I was not allowing myself to see and open up and was part of other systems and fears that I have not been wanting to take responsibility for. This point could have been directed within self-writing, self-forgiveness, and immediate corrective application and my experience of becoming possessed was not at all necessary.


Self Forgiveness

The Pattern of Reacting to a “Fall” and Retreating into the Mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I fall on a point or when I see I have made a mistake to not go into judgment or backchat about the point and to instead simply direct the point and then move on to the next point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I fail to do a task or when there are challenges that I must face, that I am able to go into the 'safety' of my mind and go into emotional reactions and backchat when none of those reactions will actually assist or support me to effectively direct the point that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately manipulate myself into giving in to my backchat and my reactions when I face a point of difficulty or when I see I did not direct myself effectively wherein I go into self judgment and self deprecation and abuse myself within my backchat as the haunting voices in my head and the hallucinatory pictures and images that come up within my mind which I then react to as though they were real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to retreat into and as my mind when I see I require to discipline myself and direct myself within a point or complete a task where I see there is difficulty and within this to procrastinate and convince myself that it is just not worth it and that I should just let go and 'see what happens' which is an abdication of self-responsibility and making the statement that I am not going to direct my life so life better direct it for me, which places me in the position of having to walk as consequence rather than walk as self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go back into my mind within believing that it has the 'answers' and that I will be able to 'buy myself more time' if I simply retreat into thinking and pondering and trying to 'figure things out' without direct, structural, practical self movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust within my mind as thinking and reacting instead of doing and applying, one breath and one point at a time.

When and as I see/notice myself trying to figure something out and only getting myself more confused and lost within the mind I stop and instead investigate using the tools of self writing and self forgiveness to unravel and dismantle the pattern and get to the actual point of correction which I immediately apply to stop further backchat/reaction and indirection within being 'lost' in a point.

The Pattern of Emotional Reaction - Anger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and frustrated with myself and instead of facing me within this point, attempt to blame the idea that I am simply not 'in control' of my life and that life is constantly and continuously 'out to get me' and conspiring to place me into points where I must face consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within my backchat abuse myself and allow myself to feed the mind as reactions and thoughts instead of stopping the reactions and directing myself physically within my activities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the anger reactions within me that come up when I see I did not do a task that I had planned to do or when I realize that I have 'wasted time' within not directing a point effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by and as my backchat when I came home from lunch and allowed myself to 'stoke the fires' of the backchat because I was addicted to the energetic experience of anger and frustration and within this possession allow my physical expression to be possessed completely and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was 'in control' when in fact I was being controlled by an addiction to emotional energy.

Anger is not 'me' as my actual expression here in the physical – it is a system within me and thus I am responsible for stopping it and directing myself. Thus when and as I see myself participate in a point of anger for something that I did 'wrong' I stop and realize that there is first of all no 'right' or 'wrong' and that all points are specific and all points are able to be corrected within practicality and anything that is not able to be practically directed is simply the mind and ego holding on to a false reality of energy.

The Pattern of Emotional Reaction - Fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by fear when I am given a task or assignment that requires to be done/directed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by my fear and resistance to facing myself within responsibility when I am given a task that I require to direct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when given a task or assignment that I require to direct and take responsibility for, to seek and find excuses and ways to not have to take responsibility so that I will not have to face that point of 'failure'.

When I am given a task or assignment I am responsible for directing that task or assignment and within this responsibility I do not require to compromise myself in order to 'get the job done' and I do not require to go into points of fear of consequence if I fail.

I do not allow myself to be defined by the number of successful tasks I complete. I do not accept myself to fear not completing a task that I am assigned. My value as life is not determined by the number of failures versus the number of successes I have.

Nothing that I require to do, whether it is a 'small task', and assignment, a project, or something I require to do as part of my job in order to support myself financially, defines me unless I allow myself to be defined by it – thus what I require to do are simply tasks which I require to direct – nothing more and nothing less.

The Pattern of Creating Consequences through Resistance and Backchat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, this morning when I woke up, allow myself to again be directed by my mind and again allow myself to procrastinate and not be the directive principle of me in each breath and to allow myself to give in to the energetic addiction of and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to believe that my backchat will eventually just 'leave me alone' if I try to ignore it when in fact I become completely possessed by and as the backchat.

I am here. I breathe. I am walking the consequences of what I have created – and within this I humble myself and take responsibility and dismantle who I have become as well as the patterns that I have existed within and as so that I am able to create myself anew, and build myself back up from a foundation that is in all ways what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here and direct when facing a point of energetic possession/reaction and to suppress the point and believe that it will not control me if I just suppress it when in fact that which I suppress becomes my point of possession.

I see and realize that when I suppressed myself and did not immediately direct myself as the correction, my backchat accumulated and built up into an energetic entity that then possessed me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as my backchat and to allow myself to be directed by my backchat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not immediately stop myself within taking responsibility for my words and thoughts and to instead allow myself to be possessed.

I see and realize that nothing will ever get better by putting it off or giving up or expecting that some outside force beyond myself or my self-will and self-movement will be kind enough to take responsibility and direct my points and my life for me.

I commit myself to daring to face my resistances and fears within understanding that I am the one who creates the resistances and fears and thus I am the one who is able to walk through them – the fears and resistances are systems within me and I do not require to abdicate myself as life to systems meant to generate and feed a 'self' that exists only as energy within the mind. Any resistance or fear is able to be practically walked and corrected within supporting myself effectively and living the practical solution to the fear and resistance daily until I am no longer haunted by within my backchat and it disappears from my thoughts, words, and deeds into eternity.

The Pattern of Believing I “Wasted Time”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry with myself within believing that I had 'wasted time'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time and to believe that I had 'wasted time' when what had actually occurred was me facing a point of possession and living/experiencing the consequence of not directing myself – which is not 'wasted time' but simply a play-out of consequences that I myself created.

I see and realize that due to my starting point being of the mind and me suppressing points of resistance and abdicating my self responsibility to direct myself and support myself out of the mind possession of resistance, I manifested a play-out of consequences so that I would have to face and deal with myself directly as consequence and within this it is neither bad or good – it is simply a matter of accumulation and consequence.

If I fall, then the fall was within me and I would have fallen eventually – thus when and as I do fall on a point I support myself and trace my steps back to see what I was doing and what I was accepting which led me to that point of falling.


So some cool points have opened up within this –

I am at all times creating 'me' and any point that I am suppressing and not directing will manifest as a consequence that will have to face in my practical reality.


I am able to see and walk the 'script' that I am creating by taking a look at the backchat and the points that I am suppressing, because here is where I am able to see what excuses/justifications I am using to not take responsibility and these excuses/justifications will be the very nature of my experience as consequence if I do not direct/correct myself


Resistance is never valid because it is based on thoughts and fears within an alternate reality of existence created within my mind through participating in thoughts and energy which feeds my personality/ego/mind consciousness system


Resistance is not valid because it leaves the question 'in the air' and does not in fact direct a point within what is best for all – so where there is resistance I require to direct myself as the point that I am resisting so that I am not living the point as a 'question' where I am placing myself into a position of not directing myself and thus making the statement that I would rather have life itself direct me and place me through a series of consequences in order for me to get the 'answer' which always leads back to self.


The nature of consequences is always specific down to every last detail – thus when and as I face a point of consequence I am able to see it for what it is and walk it back to the source point and correct that point – no judgment or anger or shame is necessary as this is really not personal at all and is a part of the process of existence sorting itself out, so it is not necessary to go into self-judgment or emotional reactions or isolation – rather it can be cool to work through such points and share them so that others may benefit from these points and not have to face unnecessary time loops and consequence.


There is absolutely nothing that I am not able to do – I am already creating my entire life through what I am accepting and allowing – thus it is to become self intimate and self-aware of what I am standing as as my creation of me – the more fluent I am in the 'language' of my self creation and the details of my self creation the more I am able to take responsibility for my own life and direct it instead of allowing myself to be directed by backchat and consequence. Thus any point where I see I am diminishing myself or see I am not satisfied, I am able to correct and do not require to judge myself for or blame myself for.

[joe kou]

http://joesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2 ... -down.html

Day 8: Putting My Foot Down

The phrase “I'm putting my foot down” is often heard/used within the context of a being making a definitive stance towards a point or a decision and the planting of one's foot is an expression of one asserting one's authority and making one's stance 'known' as though announcing through the deliberate and authoritative placement of one's foot unto the solid ground is a 'warning' or 'notification' to one's environment and peers that one's decision is 'set' and one will not back down after having placed one's 'foot down'.

Today I am looking at the point of my 'stance' within my world and within how I am allowing myself to live my life and I have realize that I have not actually, deliberately, authoritatively 'put my foot down' within the point of absolute self-responsibility for myself and my life and within this stance of not being absolute in the decisions I make and the directions I embark upon, I create backdoors and doubts and all kinds of backchat that accumulate and deter me from being firm in my commitments and decisions as well as my general point of self-authority where I find myself still allowing compromise and still allowing myself to give in to fear and doubt and worry where I am not STANDING with my FEET ON THE GROUND but rather am up in my mind trying to create a reality based on my ego where my decisions are made only in consideration of my personal experiences and fears and judgments and opinions instead of being based on what is here, what is practical, what is GROUNDED within and as this physical real-time reality where the consequences are real and there are no 'take backs' and any time that I invest into a decision and the walking of that decision is time that I will not get back if that decision is not walked to completion.

The points in my life where I often experience 'turbulence' and difficulty and seemingly constant uncertainty and fear where I end up giving up or end up making mistakes and losing trust in myself are actually points where I have not fully established me within this stance of putting my foot down, making a definitive and directive decision, and walking as that decision no matter what, understanding that there will come moments of challenge and difficulty as I manifest that decision into and asmy living reality and that there will be points of resistance and points that require to be adjusted or removed entirely in order to birth this point of decision into and as my practical and physical living – meaning that making a decision absolutely means that I also require to absolutely live that decision no matter what even – and especially if – I require to face my fears, make mistakes along the way, face the reactions, judgments, and nastiness of that which does not stand in alignment with my decision and will attempt to deter me and CONvince me to compromise myself.

I see also that when I have attempted to 'put my foot down' but have not actually gotten to a point of clarity within the decision and ensuring that my decision is what is best for all in all ways and I have demonstrated this point to myself within self writing and self investigation to ensure that there is no ego or doubt or self interest within the decision, I often end up compromising and falling after 'putting my food down' – this is actually me putting my foot down without first looking at where I am placing my food and not making sure that I don't inadvertently step on an obstacle that I have not cleared because I have not investigated and allowed myself to see it clearly and did not effectively prepare myself within the decision before putting my foot down blindly.

So here I am looking a two points that I have participated in when it comes to me making a decision and deciding to 'put my foot down' and commit to something -

First Point - Fear/Resistance/Procrastination within “Putting My Foot Down” within a Commitment/Decision


Second Point – “Putting My Foot Down” without Being Clear in my Decision and Stepping Into Obstacles that I Self-Honestly was not Prepared for.

Here I walk these points within self-forgiveness as the pattern that I have accepted and allowed and the relationship that I have participated in within these patterns and take responsibility for re-establishing me within the point of “Putting My Foot Down”.

Fear/Resistance/Procrastination within “Putting My Foot Down” within a Commitment/Decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear, resist, and procrastinate within the point of “Putting my Foot Down”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow backchat and self doubt within me instead of supporting myself to stand clearly within my decisions by writing, applying self-forgiveness on that which does not support or assist me in making clear decisions that are able to stand for eternity as what is best for all, and committing myself and dedicating myself to the living and application of that decision no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making clear, definitive, directive decisions within fear of making mistakes which is actually a point of ego wherein I am not allowing myself to be vulnerable and self-honest and not wanting to take responsibility for consequences that result from my actions and acceptances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to hide from and ignore/suppress the point of taking responsibility for that which I have created and that which I am still creating within me not facing myself and correcting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself constantly and continuously within decisions that I make due to fear and backchat and self-limitations and within this to not develop and accumulate a point of self-trust as I commit to live and walk the words I speak and so become the Living Word instead of speaking from a point of separation as ego and allowing myself to trap myself with the words of ego and diminish/undermine my point of self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself and abuse myself within backchat and constantly allowing doubt and fear to direct me wherein I make decisions based on trying to avoid responsibility or having to face a point of change and thus remaining within my self-accepted limitations within having formed an addiction to limitation and diminishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energy within my thoughts and backchat within the point of self-diminishment wherein I believe that my self-interest as fear and resistance are actually serving me within what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when having made a decision or commitment, not fully support myself within that decision and commitment and to allow backdoors and fears to derail and deter my walking of that point no matter what, wherein I allow my backchat and ego as self-interest direct me instead of being the point of self-direction completely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making directive decisions due to self-interest and always wanting to be 'right' and always wanting to 'hold out' in case something 'better' comes along.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making directive decisions within my life due to the fear and resistance of disappointment and regret wherein I as ego must take responsibility and be humbled when a point does not work out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear directive decisions due to having accepted and allowed extensive backchat within me as nervousness and self-doubt and self-limitation as self-abusive and diminishing backchat which has resulted in me creating systems within myself that have become addicted to failure, rejection, and self-abuse that will 'take over' in moments when my resolve and commitment are not complete and will cause me to sabotage myself in order to satisfy the energetic addictions of the systems I have manifested within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that what I allow within myself as backchat as doubt, fear, resistance, hesitation, and procrastination accumulate within me as systems and will 'take over' if I do not direct myself and establish myself as the directive principle and one by one, breath by breath, remove these systems within me through living my self-forgiveness and self corrective applications consistently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate and allow myself to become petrified within fear and doubt and worry as I scramble within my mind and go into an internal point of energy which I define and experience as 'panic' wherein I slip out of practical physical participation and slip into quantum-time play-outs of future events based of fear of the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate and allow the design of 'hope' within me where instead of directing myself and taking responsibility for my life and directing myself within making clear decisions and sticking to them, rather allow the design of 'hope' as ego where somehow, in some way, things will just 'work out' and get easier without me having to do anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist making clear and definitive choices and sticking to them no matter what because within this I require to be absolute and diligent and consistent in my decision which I react to within my mind and thus immediately sabotage myself in order to not have to let go of the apparent 'freedom' I have within my mind to simply create unrealistic ideas and alternate realities to hide within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being in my mind and creating pictures and ideas that are not in any way relevant to my practical reality or supporting me to live in a way that is best for all is 'freedom' when it is actually slavery within and as the limitations of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist walking a point of total dedication within making a decision and walking it no matter what and ensuring that I see the point through to completion and not allow compromise due to my addiction to being 'free' to not take responsibility and to depend/rely on creating alternate dimensions within my mind as self-interest and ego to escape from reality.

I stop. I commit myself to making clear and definitive decisions where I see I require to give my life direction where I see and notice that I am not supporting myself effectively to be and become the greatest expression and version of me possible and to be able to stand up and take on greater responsibility within changing what is here as our creation.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to remain within a point of hesitation and uncertainty when I am able to support myself as well as ask for support in making definitive decisions based on what is best for all because I see that when I allow such points of idleness in my life I am allowing myself to generate backchat and the ego will utilize this fear and hesitation within my backchat to ensure that I do not make a definitive change and do not in fact let go of me as 'ego' but remain addicted to and as the ego as my experience of 'myself'.

I commit to clearing myself and ensuring that I am supporting myself effectively in exposing and correcting my backchat through self writing and self forgiveness daily to align myself physically within my decision making instead of allowing my decisions to be made on my behalf by my backchat.

I will continue in my next writing on the Second Point of “Putting My Foot Down” without Being Clear in my Decision and Stepping Into Obstacles that I Self-Honestly was not Prepared for.

[joe kou]

http://joesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2 ... art-2.html

Day 9 : "Putting My Foot Down" Part 2 -
“Putting My Foot Down” without Being Clear in my Decision and Stepping Into Obstacles that I Self-Honestly was not Prepared for.


I forgive myself that I have, throughout my life, made decisions and commitments that were based on my ego and self interest in the preservation and protection of my 'experience' as my mind where I would seed to consolidate, validate, and justify why I should always get what I want and why I was 'right' and apparently had the privilege to assert my own values and ideas upon the reality that is here without taking into consideration that which is best for all in my attempt to be "god" of my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "put my foot down" without regard to the life that I may be stepping on as I assert my authority within ego and self interest and as a result manifest consequences for myself and for those who I have abused and manipulated in my attempt to create and assert my own version of reality upon the reality that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make commitments and promises and take on responsibilities that I was not in fact prepared for and had not actually considered the consequences of and to rather assume that I would be able to 'handle it' within a starting point of ego and self-rightousness which has led me to create circumstances and relationships that have ended up showing me the nature of myself as being self-interest and unable to sustain a functional and supportive environment because of the starting point of self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and hold a grudge against myself within self righteousness and ego within believing that 'nothing I do ever turns out right' without considering the values and the starting points of the things that I have attempted to make real throughout my life and to not see that those attempts 'failed' not because I am somehow defective or unable, but because I had not understood and taken into consideration the fact that anything that is not based on what is best for all and anything that is based on a starting point of energy/ego will eventually 'fall' because energy/ego is not sustainable and when the energy is consumed, the point is not able to continue in it's manifestation and yet the manifested consequences remain and must be sorted out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when making decisions and commitments, not look within self-honesty whether that decision or commitment is one that I am able to stand as throughout time and be able to fall all of existence within that stand and that decision/commitment without shame, guilt, or secrecy.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to walk within the practical application of aligning myself not to what I desire and want within and as my ego/self-interest and personal interpretation of this reality, but to align myself within what is practical and in all ways best for all life to ensure that I no longer allow myself to trap myself in creations and relationships based on energy and ego and self-interest that are 'doomed to fail' because the starting point was based on abuse of life within not taking all life into consderation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and feel 'bad' for myself for having made 'bad decisions' wherein my starting point for assessing myself was based on how many times I was able to get what I want and make my desires come true instead of allowing myself to be humble as I walk my process and take responsibility for my actions and decisions and to walk my process of self correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the statement "nothing I do will ever turn out right and I will always end up fucking up" within me and not consider the point that it is not about me always getting to do and have what I want - it is about me aligning myself within what is best for all which has nothing at all to do with personal desires or self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist "putting my foot down" within and as making a definitive decision and walking that decision no matter what because I have within my past made such commitments based on self interest and ended up manifesting consequences for myself that wherein I required to humble myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist this humbling of self and instead try to hold on to the idea that I was "right" in my convictions and see things only from my own perspective as self-interest.

I commit myself to humbling myself and allowing myself to fully walk my points of correction and alignment before "putting my foot down" and making directive decisions that affect not only my own life but every life that I will interact with.

I commit myself to ensure that I am walking one and equal within what is best for all in my decision before making the commitment and "putting my foot down" to ensure that I am not stepping on life within ego and self righteousness but in fact walking within a principle of what is best for all, which takes all life into consideration.

I commit myself within stopping the desire to assert my own world and make decisions based on my own world and instead I humble myself and let go of my fear of losing control and fear of trusting myself and others so that I am able to develop a new relationship with what is here based on what is practical and best for all instead of based on the values and ideas within my mind as energy which is not real, not sustainable, and only generates manifested consequences of abuse and separation.

[joe kou]

Day 10 – Sorting out "my" priorities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and take into practical consideration the extent to which I have allowed myself to become controlled and enslaved to the idea and belief of time as it relates to money in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore, suppress, and find ways to cope with the ever present fear of survival and the constant uncertainty of my ability to provide for myself within the world system and within this to not consider the extent to which we have as humans so deeply embedded this unspoken and accepted fear of survival that we do not see the practical solution that is right before us as the physical reality that is always here, always constant, always consistent, always unconditional in it's expression and it's ability to give of itself and never compromise despite the abuse and misuse of humans throughout the ages.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled and directed by my fear of survival and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself as life and to not take all life into consideration within playing by the rules of the game and attempting to secure my position within the need to survive at the expense of others wherein I have participated in systems that place irrational and nonsensical value upon objects and experiences that disregard and abuse the expression of life that is already here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow down and consider the consequential outflows of what I am doing and what I am participating in, and the example that I am setting as a participant of the global system of survival and abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must survive and care only about myself and my own preservation as my thoughts, memories, and experiences because apparently they are what make me real instead of considering the actual life that has always been here as the very substance of 'me' as this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the 'me' within my mind as my reactions, fears, and relationships even though I see that such a way of existence is diminishing not only myself, but all those who's life I intersect/interact with because at all times I am in fact being the example of 'life' – thus in any moment where I am living within and as self dishonesty and self-diminishment and self-abuse, I am in fact allowing that to exist within the rest of existence and I am responsible for all who may have acted upon the example that I had set, who may have ended up diminishing themselves within accepting the diminishment within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of any and all relationships that are built upon the foundation of fear as survival wherein the human compromises self honesty, self intimacy, and self value in order to survive and create bubbles of safety within relationships that exclude and do not take into consideration the safety and well being of all life one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within allowing myself to participate in and hold on to relationships based upon fear and self-interest as survival of the ego that is separate from all life, set the example for others as myself to not take responsibility for themselves and the world that we create.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself abdicate myself to money and the acquisition of money to secure my own survival and within this to not consider the consequences of that which I must do in order to make money and the extensive amount of abuse that is placed upon humanity as well as the planet due to the abusive and exploitative nature of the current money system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and thus condone and allow the continuance of the current economic and social agreement between beings that has caused the separation of who we are as life and compounded the false belief that we are apparently 'individuals' with the 'free will' to disregard the well being of all life as our duty and responsibility and to instead create and manifest a world in which the 'winner takes all' and in order to 'win' one must abuse, manipulate, consume, and exploit the very life that we are within the agony and unspeakable degree to which life has become a secondary concern and self-interest as survival has been given priority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand back and 'go with the flow' as I observe the destruction and suffering of life within fearing to stand up and being 'left out' of the system and to have to face the consequence of no longer being supported and having to face death while not taking into consideration the billions of life forms on this planet that are daily brought to the point of total enslavement and death each day and to give my life experience within my mind as ego, thoughts, emotions, and feelings more value than the billions of life forms and expressions of life that are here on this planet and must suffer in 'silence' because the human has not taken the time to consider and hear the cries and pleas for humanity to regain it's senses and put a stop to the madness that has overcome this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as my mind and within the excuse and justification that 'this is too much to handle' and that the importance of realizing the actual situation of what we are doing to ourselves and this world is of secondary concern to my private and personal survival.

I commit myself to, one by one, face each and every point within myself and the relationships within my world until all aspects and dimensions of me as the example that I am setting, as the life that I am standing as, reflect only that which is best for all so that the insanity and madness of consciousness and separation can come to an end for all eternally and life be able to exist here in the single greatest opportunity of expression and harmony possible in existence – which is the physical reality once freed from the burden of consciousness and separation.

I commit myself to never give up no matter how many times I may fall or how many times I must start over and stand back up because that is what all beings require to live and become – thus I begin with myself and do not accept within me the nature or behavior of giving up to exist within me – I give to myself and grant to myself the power and responsibility of self forgiveness to stand equal to my creation in all ways so that we may all realize the life that we are and let go of the pain, the abuse, the manipulations, the deceptions, and all of the spitefuless that we have cause ourselves as each other, that we may come to embrace all parts of ourselves as equals, that we may realize that we have done this to ourselves - and although this realization and the acceptance of this realization is shocking and will bring up all of the pain that we have tried to suppress in our madness of separation, the realization of who we are and what we have done to existence grants us in one breath the embracing of all pain that has ever existed – and in one release the end of pain and abuse forever more.

Thus within this realization that we are always one breath away from total, complete, and absolute change – I commit myself to continue breathing no matter what hell may come because the hell will only hurt for as long as we accept our separation and we are all one breath away from the ending of this separation – this it is my responsibility as life, as creator, to never be an example of stopping the breath that will birth life.