Day 5 - Compromising my body to Get and Keep a Manhttp://rozelledelangeblog.blogspot.com/ ... t-and.html
I've been in many relationships within my life on this earth. The relationships I am referring to here are specifically with regards to men and dating. Since the start of my process of self-change, I have not allowed myself to go back in time to re-direct all of the points which I had walked as experiences within each relationship on its own. The reason for this is that I thought to myself "it's in the past, I can see what I have allowed and I will not allow myself to 'go there' again".
The first red flag here is that fact that I allowed myself to come to this CONclusion based on a THOUGHT.
Now all of the suppressed stuff from my past relationships has been triggered again and re-surfaced in order for me to face that which I have allowed myself to ignorantly not take responsibility for.
This is where my agreement with my partner has assisted me a lot. Through him walking his process of self-investigation and self-forgiveness, it has triggered MANY reactions within me which before now I thought were gone and dealt with. My partner has been an immense support within standing as a mirror for me to see myself as all that I exist as in this moment. I have however been postponing the inevitable which is that I require walking back in time to revisit each relationship I have participated within, in order to correct the points which I had allowed to direct my relationships/me at that time. In the act of applying this, I will gift myself the opportunity to create a new expression within my current agreement, instead of allowing old patterns to come into the new, which would inevitably (irrespective of my intentions) destroy this gift which in an opportunity to truly face myself as ALL of me.
So I will be walking self-forgiveness in relation to my past relationship and the patterns I have allowed myself to participate within in order to maintain the past relationships. I will not share the original events which I have faced in relation to the points I reacted to in terms of what my partner is facing within himself, because it is clear to me that it is completely irrelevant to share the details of these events, as what I am facing has got nothing to do with these events at all - the only points which are relevant to share here in my process of self-change is the points the events showed me about myself through standing as mirrors wherein I had opportunities to see myself as who I am currently as a system design of self-abuse and self-sabotage through that which I have accepted and allowed as myself.
The first point I am going to investigate for myself is in relation to my body, as I have in every past relationship always compromised my relationship with my body in order to 'get the man' and to then also ensure that I 'keep the man'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone the act of walking myself back in time through investigating the layers existent within me as memories in relation to my past relationships of failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the belief that having a realization about a specific point is sufficient self-movement towards changing the origin of a pattern of self-sabotage, instead of realizing that in order to change a specific pattern existent within me, I require moving myself within self-honesty to investigate the whole design of the pattern within its totality so that I am able to see through this how I have created and participated within the specific pattern, thus placing myself in a position where I am able to direct myself into a new way of living when and as I am faced with the same pattern design again. This is self-responsibility in action.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my body through my perception of what men like to see when viewing a women’s body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body so that I could get sexual attention and recognition from men.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only feel validated as a person whenever I received compliments from men in relation to my looks.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within relationships where I allowed men to dictate to me what to wear and how to eat so that I could fit into their idea of what a women should look like.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my participating and allowance within/of such abusive relationship all for the sake of satisfying my desire for acceptance and affection. Within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to express affection towards myself.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to accept myself as who I am but to have instead hidden from myself through within and through separation by looking for acceptance outside of myself from men specifically.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program/design myself as a personality of self-abuse according to pictures I have seen of models through media wherein I abused my body in order to align my body to what they look like, so that I could also be a ‘pretty picture’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to starve my physical body of food within the attempt to align my body to a mental picture I had created as an ideal presentation of myself within the desire and starting point to be accepted within society.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have participated within the creation of a world of polarity which has manifested a world system which favors and supports those who present themselves according to pictures of illusion which are seen as beauty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body through the act of placing make-up and other ‘beauty’ products on it from the starting point of wanting to fit in with society’s idea of beauty. Within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider the abuse I have perpetuated through the act using these products, such as the abuse of animals all for the sake of presenting a false image of myself to men specifically within and from the fear that I will be rejected if I do not present myself in the ways society/media imprinted me to look like.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my relationship with food to one of judgment and compromise in order to fit into an elite lifestyle of a man so that he could accept me through seeing that I am willing to live a life in alignment to his perception of a healthy lifestyle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my body according to the images which have been imprinted into me through society/media and to within this have view myself as inferior to these images of models and fashion clothing in particular.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my relationship with my body through imposing my mental pictured idea of how I should/desire to look like and to within that have abused my body to align it to this illusionary picture within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through holding onto a mental picture idea of myself and to have created my reality to support this picture of illusion as the personality design of Rozelle de Lange.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body within my pursuit and desire of a model body within the starting point of wanting to be accepted my others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my personality as a picture presentation of myself to the world and to within this suppress how I actually experience myself within any given moment instead of allowing myself to live self-honestly in every moment of breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the separation of all living beings on earth through accepting and allowing myself to participate within judgments according to pictures of illusion instead of living here as breathe and expressing myself as life outside the limitations of the mental pictures of illusion I have adopted from the world systems of abuse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my body to manipulate men to like me through dressing provocatively.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my behavior around men into an unnatural expression within the attempt to match the behaviors I observed through the media within an attempt to also ‘get the guy’ within my reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have within my past relationship always only felt comfortable with who I am when I had make-up as well as the best clothing on, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always put on my suit of illusion (make-up and clothes) so that my partner could only see me as the ‘pretty girl’ he met and thus still be satisfied with his choice of me as a partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and perpetuate a world where no one sees who each being are as life but instead only see pictures of illusion through my participation of accepting, allowing and participating within my mental pictures of illusion.
(Self-forgiveness statement by Lindsay Craver to which I stand equal to)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical body which supports me unconditionally by/through participating in a constant and continuous desire for control of ‘who I am’ as how I want to be seen – thus not seeing myself, as who I REALLY am, in any way – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constrict and control my movements in this reality to fit into how I believe I SHOULD act within the particular personality I am trying to project myself as, thus not moving as self-expression, but as a mind-possession.
I commit myself to investigate and change my relationships from expressions of dishonoring myself and another as life into an expression which honors life in all ways as that which is best for all through the act of self-investigation to see what I have allowed and how I have allowed it and then through living a correction which is best for all life.
When and as I see myself entertaining a thought/movement within me of wanting to change myself so that I can be accepted by another, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate any further within the realization that I cannot fulfill the illusion of being accepted by another as acceptance of myself comes from myself within/as self-acceptance. So I will move myself to investigate the point which reveals to me where I have separated myself form myself and then direct myself to taking that part of myself back to myself through accepting it and then changing it into an expression which will have outflows which are best for all.
I commit myself to never again allow myself to use my body to manipulate another towards my favor.
I commit myself to utilizing the relationships I have within my reality to show me where I have separated myself form myself and then to go o those parts of myself form which I am separated and give myself back to myself through self-forGIVEness.
I commit myself to develop an effective agreement with my partner as well as each being within my reality so that I may stand as an example to others so that all are able to develop equally effective relationships within reality which will result in the establishment of a world which is best for all through each being standing as the examples of what is possible when we do not exist within the confines of our internal mind-realities of self-interest.
I commit myself in stopping patterns of self-abuse in which I exist that are not what is best for all.