Scott's Journey to Life

[scott]

http://scottalancook.blogspot.com/

[scott]

1 - perfectionism

In the past months I've been into the delusion of perfectionism where if I couldn’t communicate something as comprehensive as possible in one presentation then I would rather not even bother. It’s usually taken a while to write something that would seem relatively clear and comprehensive, and consistent posting is one way to begin to force myself beyond this familiar pattern. There is plenty to be said, obviously, so I can't afford to remain in the familiar pattern based on the belief that I never know what to say or when to say it, as if it were a matter of knowing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the reaction of self-hatred within not being as clear, direct and comprehensive as I want to be in the moment, while projecting this idea of myself with the intention to become actualized within that projection, using this to bind myself to the pattern of avoidance. Instead of indulging in the disappointment of not being able to suit up to the desired projection, I embrace who I am within the current capacity to communicate more directly than I ever could while struggling to project myself in such a way.






2 - liberation

This morning I ran through an area of town that I’ve never been before, and it was a lot of fun to explore a new environment in the dark while getting drenched in the rain. One of the points that came to the surface was that of the mental experience of ‘liberation,’ which was created through a combination of endorphins, physical movement, the cool landscape, the early hour, the insects, the dark and the rain. It has been an experience that I reserve as a moment where I feel ‘relatively free,’ implying that I otherwise experience myself as generally ‘bound’ within myself within the limitations of this system. Yet, having the sufficient capacity and facility to able to run is practically an elitist privilege in the context of how human beings can experience themselves in their own current disposition in this world. Anyone should be able to enjoy this if they wanted to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define liberation in terms of self-interest and relative disposition, instead of understanding the difference between enjoying myself and suppressing myself within a self-created experience. While no one is ‘free’ unless all are, ‘liberation’ as an idea and endorphin-based experience is meaningless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate being inside a building all day with being ‘bound,’ while many don’t even have a roof over their head, or are otherwise locked up in ‘maximum security’ for being the apparent ‘rejects’ of an abusive system that I participate in. So I take advantage of my own disposition in terms of what is available in order to move through any self-created experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cloud out subtlety through suppressing myself within the creation of an experience within my mind. I remain aware of the reality of myself here as well as the thoughts that cross my mind in order to be specific within self-direction.






3 - reciprocation and detachment

The tendency to remain silent has been a delayed response when I'm listening or reading, then trying to reciprocate with something clear and coherent usually seems like something I’m pressured into, and the result would often be an inaccurate choice of words or what my mind calls nonsense. The experience is of being constantly fed up with this pattern in writing along with as speaking, as well as the entire feedback cycle in relation to this point, and I would use it as a reinforcement and justification for remaining silent.

Being apparently unable to reciprocate in certain moments when it seems appropriate has been a perceived impediment along with the experience of detachment. In noticing the suppression and detachment within myself I want to be the first to criticize myself as if to deprive anyone else of the ‘right’ to do the same. I notice that I’m basically expecting to be misinterpreted through choice of words and overall expression, including silence, bracing and suppressing myself through the maintenance of the whole cycle, while fixating on the perception of it as a problem that I apparently can’t solve, which is essentially trying to limit communication based on the pattern formed from past memories and experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in not knowing where to begin to respond to what I experience, when I am the conversation that I am reading or hearing, and what comes to mind in the moment is my participation to be directed in common sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be distracted from reality by the experience of it, rather than seeing things as they are and speaking when there is something I have to say, rather than giving in to an experience of pressure to speak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be misinterpreted for being silent, when this is something I obviously have no control over unless I were to manipulate them into interpreting it as something other than what it is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself according to my current level of self-suppression and detachment to reality when it is basically the point of the entire process, so I can only begin with myself here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being too detached to reciprocate or respond in a way that is appropriate for the specific points that are addressed. I see the experience of pressure for what it is, and I use breathing as the focal point rather than forcing nonsense out of myself in order to fill the apparent blank of expectation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that an experience of emotional detachment implies impotence as a participant in this reality, which is based on comparison and self-experience, when we are equal in the same basic disposition.

I continue and follow through with developing within direct communication without fixation on the mind experience of reality or the belief that I need to prove myself to anyone.






4 - discomfort

The state of memory-based discomfort and self-loathing is an unconscious pattern of suppression and distraction that I created to identify myself with as if to immunize or detach myself from what I would perceive as an outside threat, based on memories of abuse as well as the failure to suit up to the idea of myself as having somehow transcended the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I am without the false security of discomfort as an idea that I would use to bind myself in a state of distrust.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself with discomfort in order to avoid the aspects of myself that I might find uncomfortable anyway.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use discomfort as a means of participation in the pointlessness of suffering worldwide, while detaching myself from it through existing within my own mind experience of discomfort.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate comfortability with weakness and inertia, therefore to be compensated for with a regular fix of endorphins and caffeine as if to preserve myself indefinitely as an idea of strength and future-projected potential.

I forgive myself for conditioning myself to indulge in my own discomfort as a comfort zone in itself without considering what discomfort or anxiety I am avoiding from moment to moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fixate on the surface of discomfort without investigating the origin within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I’m unable to focus or direct myself unless there is a point of discomfort that I can use as a reference to remain ‘grounded’ within the mind, yet supposedly here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to an experience of discomfort out of fear of being numb and going into a state of inertia and uselessness, without realizing how I will only manifest what I try to avoid and suppress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that discomfort is a prerequisite for awareness, instead of remaining aware of my own breath as the focal point of this reality that I participate in.

I embrace the focal point of breath as the awareness of the simplicity of all that I am that doesn’t require the energetic fix of discomfort as an experience in order to exist, and I embrace the physicality of myself and others in my environment without distracting myself with the preservation of an idea of who I must be within the impracticality of self-abuse.

[scott]

5 - running through a cemetery

At some point while running yesterday morning, I passed through a gate and the thought came up that there may possibly be an invisible razor wire trap waiting at the gate, yet I ran through regardless and obviously came out unscathed. This idea has always been a very vague, non-influential, irrational fear, but it was brought to the surface a few weeks ago when I went through a brief phase of fixation with horror movie death scenes. The original point of this was to open up the mindset that I was in when these movies were such a point of identification, and so it became a point of nostalgic fixation with images that are meant to disturb.

Another irrational fear involves having the bones of my lower legs spontaneously break while running. The thought would come up that at any moment I will take a step and the bones will just give out and snap, thus I would collapse have to crawl in vain with useless, broken legs. When these thoughts come up, I understand how I’m fucking with myself with the entire construct, and I tend to laugh about it. Horror movies were the catalyst for this idea as well, and one of the scenes that was the most prominent was one where a young man wakes up in a room bound to a steel contraption like a crucifix that is called ‘the rack,’ as explained in a tape recording. When the trap is set in motion, his limbs are twisted and mangled one by one in a screw driver motion that can only be intended to leave an imprint in the viewer’s mind for the sake of profit for the special effects artists. In general, the point of these movies seems to be that of manipulating the viewer into a tunnel vision state of focusing on the experience of their body as a frail piece of meat that can be easily broken and mangled beyond recognition, while providing one more means of desensitization, as if this culture doesn’t provide enough of them as it is.

After passing the gate I continued to run and eventually found myself in a cemetery. It was a landscape that I interpreted as ‘beautiful,’ consisting of orderly rows of small, white, identical headstones that took a split moment to clarify in the dark. The thought that came up is that, while considering how much land is occupied by cemeteries on this planet for the sake of ‘honoring the dead,’ it seems absurd, especially as this is a veteran memorial cemetery. Overall, I didn’t have quite the same ecstatic mind experience as I have in the past, but it was still enjoyable on some level.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow mental associations that distract from physical movement, as well as the starting point for movement in general. When I am in the mind I am preoccupied with the entire collection of memories and images that I have defined myself according to throughout my life. So I direct myself within awareness of breathing as the focal point for the reality of what I am in this reality as one and equal to everything else in this one world.

[scott]

6 - the difference between giving up and stopping

I dreamt of an area that I associated with the backyard of the house I grew up in, specifically a surface under the canopy of a tree, which is where I want to place my bike except for the fact that there is a woman standing under it smiling. I tend to associate her with blissful ignorance and pretentiousness within with I’ve judged this town as well as myself, so I avoid her out of resistance toward forgiving this aspect of myself. It seems like I have to make a decision in the moment of where I intend to stay, and I choose the place where I am that doesn’t have the convenience that the canopy provides so that I can avoid the woman that I’m using as a catalyst for generating this energy of contempt and projecting it onto anyone or anything in the vicinity without taking it back to myself.

In the other part of the dream I stop by a school, and it occurs to me that I am lacking something that I would apparently require in order to experience myself as apparently ‘complete.' Yet I’m still aware that this concept of ‘completion’ is a path to nowhere, and I see how I’ve become the frustration and resentment toward not just the entire charade, but toward the fact that I even exist. This is related to the experience of following a charade while realizing that who I believe myself to be within it is not valid, as much as I try to avoid playing it out due to fear of becoming assimilated by something that I want to insist is outside of myself, and this has been an essential part of what I used to keep myself bound within it.

It seems as if throughout all of this there is the idea that I am bound to a given set of circumstances that I am resentful about, and yet I know that I have created them without understanding how. The experience is of being resigned to my own 'fate' within this, and the point of frustration has been in relation to this maintenance of the struggle against the idea of this fate of who and where I don’t want to be, while the solution to frustration has been that of suicide on a subconscious level, and this entire cycle of identification requires energy. The idea that I’ve had of ‘stopping’ has included that of simply being ‘dead,’ and this is an idea that I’ve been too content with. Stopping all points of belief and identification while still breathing has seemed like more of a mental concept than something that I can apply practically. So this is to realize that it can be done, without fixating on the experience of perceiving myself as an idiot in an absurd system where everyone else except me seems to know how to cooperate with it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within/as contempt and frustration toward the system that is a reflection of me, while holding the same resentment toward my responsibility toward it, believing that each one of us apparently identifies with it so intimately that it’s a lost cause and that death will justify the lies that we exist as. The point of giving up before beginning has been concealed within my own starting point, as well as within the belief of never knowing where to begin. Instead of fixating on the point of futility within a nihilistic starting point, I see that the idea of a short cut through what I have conditioned myself to believe is absurd and pointless, and would render the entire process just as futile. The point is to stop the cycle of giving up whenever it’s in the moment, rather than reserving it as a justification for keeping up the belief in futility. The distinction between giving up and stopping is clear, and I stop maintaining the energetic patterns of a suicidal backdoor within the decision to follow through with life indefinitely.

[scott]

7 - linguistics

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within my potential choice of words in a moment as a scattered jigsaw puzzle before I even speak, and to fear sounding foolish and scatterbrained for being presumably unable to translate accurately into words according to the ideal, eloquent expression that would supposedly be taken seriously by those who I feel obligated to impress, thus rendering myself as a slave to the whole perceived system of conflicting opinions when we have all been the idiots trying to be something we're not in this reality in some form or another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within my mind as inferior to language and linguistics, and perceiving this as a game of manipulation that people play in which I would have avoided participation as much as possible. The past solution to this has been to stand back and listen to what everyone has to say as the silent spectator, taking on other people’s commentaries as an ‘inner voice’ to test it against other variables in order to see what holds true. Instead of maintaining that dialogue is something I’m not interested in interjecting myself into if the entire human forum is all about people talking over each other according to how I've judged it, I stop this self-imposed inhibition within myself and the use of my voice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being one more person with opinions, where if I speak then it will lead into trivial dialogues that I presumably wouldn’t want to follow through with based on the idea that it would be a waste of time. It would only be a waste of time if my participation in the dialogue was influenced by what I've judged as trivia within myself to such an extent that common sense would be left out of the conversation altogether.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is no point in speaking if it apparently makes no difference in this reality. Projecting an idea of an outcome into the future is impractical whether positive or negative and misses the point that I’m here and participating in the same reality in time and space with others who are essentially the same as me, and what I have to say in terms of common sense is here to be physically expressed and articulated through whatever given capacity or set of circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not worth talking to, where I place a value on myself in relation to the belief that communication must have some element of appeal or else no one will bother listening. Within this, I decide to remain aware within actually asserting myself in spite of whatever social taboo I manage to ‘break’ within being honest with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in being unprepared to respond when it is apparently my turn to speak, within the belief that there is nothing here in the moment when there is always some association that I have had some fear in physically expressing, as I would prejudge it based on some trivial criteria instead of just exposing it, whatever it is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be distracted by the idea on the surface of presentation due to lack of patience for communication and prejudging the 'value' of information based on the past experience of reading so many things that have no practical application. Within the realization that the value is in life rather than information, I remain open and diligent toward the possibility of interjecting myself into the conversation in a given moment.

[scott]

8 - diligence, part one

The physical activity of sitting in a chair and reading, writing, or drawing had been one of favorite things to do at one point for a period of about ten years, but since graduating school nearly three years ago I have developed more of a resistance toward maintaining diligence and focus, which is obviously problematic in terms of practicality and application. There are several things that I have perceived to factor into this, such as being out of school, as well as Desteni and the internet in general.

Following graduation, I would still read every day for hours at a time, which I knew was not very constructive, but for the most part I was undecided on how to follow through with my participation in the system. On some level I understood that what I had been so optimistic about in relation to the starting point of attending school was a case of self-deceit, as I didn’t understand the system from the beginning as well as I do now that it has become so transparent through the internet.

From the end of that summer through to the end of the year I went through much of the Desteni material without making a commitment due to being cautious and basically shy. I've wanted to project this somewhere outside of myself as a socially indoctrinated habit, yet it's one that I allowed within myself nonetheless. I more or less avoided the material for over a year while testing it against other material that I could find before eventually realizing that I could only begin with myself in writing, which meant breaking old habits within writing as well as reading. The perceived resistance seems like a reaction to the virtual deprivation of those habits, compounded with having immersed myself in my own application in a way that I have perceived myself as unfamiliar with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have accumulated such distrust within and toward myself as my application, as a self-created reaction of disillusion and disappointment to long-term projects and interests that have failed. I acknowledge the compulsion that leads to nowhere when it comes up, while directing my attention to one point at a time and following through indefinitely. Breath is the focal point to remain here in order to follow through with each point that I am working through in the moment rather than allowing myself to participate in the mind’s tendency to want to wander in the noncommittal, scatterbrained possession of always being somewhere I don’t want to be. Instead of perceiving time as a measurement of what I’ve failed to achieve, I direct myself within and as time as a means to follow through each point until it's eventually clear.

[scott]

9 - diligence, part two

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to skim through information as if scrambling around in vain for pieces to fit into a jigsaw puzzle while waiting for the right moment to direct myself. Part of the fixation within this belief is the perception of everything I read being 'conceptual,' therefore I would remain detached within the perception of ‘conceptual words and abstract symbols’ within having strayed from my own starting point of directing attention toward what is communicated through the words and why I am reading/writing them through. Instead of perpetuating this cycle, I see it for what it is and clarify the starting point of what I am working through in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I require a specific atmospheric mindfuck in order to enable myself to focus on what I am doing. All I basically require is something to write or type with along with the hand-eye coordination and myself as a breathing body. Everything else aside from basic nutrition, clothing and a roof over my head can become a trivial distraction if I allow it, so when I’m practically directing myself to do anything in the moment, I focus on the specific activity of the moment within awareness of potential mental distraction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be distracted by the experience of intimidation within the perception of the internet as something too vast and full of contradictory information to be used in any practical way by humanity as a whole, if all we are going to do is attack each other from behind masks while those with money will do whatever they’re going to do anyway. It’s pointless to separate myself from the internet and everyone else in such a way when I’m here as a human participant, so I can only participate within it from the starting point of being honest with myself without contemplating how an 'online presence' could potentially be interpreted through other minds, when this is the current ‘nature’ of humanity within the mythology of freedom of thought and speech, which is a reflection of myself as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive reading or writing at any point during the daytime as an ‘irresponsible waste of time,’ or to allow my degree of productivity to be dictated by the associations or virtual ‘pressure’ that I make with time of day. At the same time, from an ego perspective I’ve embraced this quality of myself in the same way that I’ve often embraced other stigmas that I took on with the idea of disqualifying myself from concern with trivial perceptions, which would basically become another layer of identity to distract myself with as well. Regardless of the cultural/status-quo associations with 'time of day,' reading and writing in the current context of this process are an obvious priority while any delusional combination of shame or pride are an irrelevant mind distraction.

Any distraction can be stopped in a moment within awareness of myself within what I am reading or writing and how I’m communicating with others as myself within the realization that I can't allow myself to take the conveniences I have available to me for granted. While I’m here, the most effective I can be is to not only follow through with this process of writing, but to devote myself to a complete practical change of the system as myself to be followed through indefinitely until we learn to see things as they are.

[scott]

10 - self-diminishment through contempt

Someone requested my help when I was in the middle of working on something outside, and while I judged and interpreted this request in my mind as patronizing based on trivial criteria, I agreed to it anyway. This interpretation was based on the role I cast in my mind of this person as a ‘recurring character’ throughout my life who I always generally avoided as myself because of how I’ve associated him with my father within the same basic judgments pertaining to what I perceived in voice tonality, choice of words, condescension, alcoholism, and whatever else I’ve perceived as disingenuous, all of which I have used to profile him as well as many other men in my environment. When I would see him, I’d experience myself as ‘projected onto’ based on whatever I perceived myself to be diminished into in his mind as ‘my father’s son’ among other things. The extent of the relationship I have had with this man throughout my life has been something I deemed as insignificant in the mind and even a joke on some level, yet related to memories of abuse just the same.

This specific location where he asked me to help him was coincidentally a barn that was a common image that I conjured up in violent fantasies as a teenager with the starting point of seeking a sense of vindication and dominion within my mind. After helping him out and with the initial task that he wanted me to do and scraping my leg in the process, I felt like I had bound myself into doing one thing after another for this man, and of course I didn't communicate it in any way as there was not much of a dialogue between us. In the meantime, thoughts were coming up of judgment and resentment toward my entire mind interpretation of this guy based on an experience of past abuse repeating itself all over again, and before long I allowed the thought/reaction association process to build up into a state of exaggerated hatred within the comparison I made between him and my father that was ultimately toward myself, using the pain in my leg as a catalyst to generate this violent energy within myself. I allowed myself to become increasingly reckless and aggressive until I eventually just stopped and left.

The way I have composed and projected myself as reserved and polite has on the most basic level been a way of keeping others at a distance, and on some level I experienced this person as having trespassed whatever boundary I created of this in my mind. This demonstrates the futility in maintaining contempt against anyone as myself that I could associate with memories of abuse that I haven’t thoroughly forgiven myself for, as well as being open, direct and honest in the moment in spite of the fear of going outside the lines of the projected coloring book characters that I perceive within myself or the other since none of us are limited to any such definition to begin with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the pattern of contempt when I perceive myself as condescended to or patronized, and to use this as a justification for following the train of associations and thought that come from this initial perception that isn’t based in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as manipulated into behaving according to what I perceive as someone trying to project something onto me for their own security, which means nothing aside from reflecting my own delusional insecurity. When I see myself in the experience of conforming to whatever dimension of my mind I perceive as 'tapped into' or manipulated, I remember that it’s an energetic mind experience that I’m creating to distract myself from reality to indulge in whatever false security I might find within paranoid tunnel vision.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace the energy of contempt and hatred as something that is virtually empowering through the diminishment of another as myself in an attempt to secure myself from my own self-judgment. There’s no practical application to reality within this idea of overcoming the latent experience of inferiority as 'the abused' through self-abuse of myself as another in my mind through the energy of contempt and hatred. This attempt to balance polarities in the mind defeats its own purpose within the tunnel vision that it creates, and can be stopped within a single breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to profile anyone that I interpret as portraying anything that I associate as the ‘father figure’ in my mind as the prime scapegoat for this experience of contempt. I am one and equal to any human being regardless of the role I’ve cast of them in my mind for the sake of whatever sense of false security I was looking for. I face myself as another through the transparent characters we made of ourselves in our minds within realizing that this false security is meaningless within physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive this contempt as inextricable from myself, as if without it there wouldn’t be anything left of who I am. There is nothing to hold contempt against when there is no contempt in physical reality, and we can’t abdicate strength and responsibility through the nonsense of secretly projected hatred. Without a virtual addiction to hatred and contempt, I remain.

[scott]

11 - the bondage of false security

I dreamt of residing in an urban environment that at some point in the past I had been somewhat optimistic about, only in the dream I’m not living out anything like the status of security and content that I had projected myself into the future. Instead, I seem to have a more realistic outlook, and I’m not reacting to the behavior of people around me as I always used to. My experience within all this is neither depressing nor stimulating, it just is, and it seems like I’m too focused on the process to react within my mind to all the trivial things I used to occupy my mind with and define myself according to in the past.

As I walk into the apartment building I stop at the bottom of a stair case to take off my shoes as I see that I’m tracking in dirt. A couple students walk past me to go up the stairs, and I apologize to them for the mess I made, although they don’t seem to notice or care since they don’t say anything. When I’m inside my apartment, someone who I don’t know stops by and passively points out some piece of information that I have lying around and tells me that it’s invalid or outdated before leaving.

Reaction within myself toward any of the people in this dream is almost non-occurring, and I interpret this as a kind of emptiness toward the world that I’m conditioned to perceive as separate from myself. The programmed reaction that I would be familiar with would be to find some point of ‘weakness’ in them that I could hold as a ‘security deposit’ within myself for what I would have experienced as insecurity related to dwelling in the same building, and this is how I would keep the comfortable familiarity of the lie in place. The experience was of being comfortably invisible out of habit, and I saw this in the moment for the mind experience that it was without trivializing it into something that it wasn't.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek security within my mind within the belief of ‘security in the mind,’ without realizing how I am participating in the enslavement of myself and everyone else in this world system beginning at the level of the mind. The maintenance of tunnel vision security for the ego within the mind is a full-time irresponsibility that requires energy acquired through the basic self-abuse of life. I see that this false sense of security has been nothing other than my own bondage to a finite system within which we can’t sustain ourselves, and I stop this participation within myself from one moment to the next. The absence of a defense mechanism against others is a prerequisite for direct communication as well as practical change in the world as a whole.

[scott]

12 - self-diminishment through contempt part two

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in the experience of control through apparent 'lack of control' in a deliberate disregard of the consequences within the justification of letting go of the pretense by presumably overthrowing the pattern while only reinforcing it.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge the expression of another as myself for representing all the qualities that I have decided I can’t approve of, including sentimentality, nostalgia, as well as having nothing of value or substance to inspire with, within the belief in inspiration as anything other than an energetic fixation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself define the unforgiven status that I preserved and maintained toward another as myself as something that I enjoy like a drug, as a compartmentalization of the judgment of another as myself in my mind that ultimately serves no purpose other than one more point of self-suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately cultivate in myself what I had cultivated and silently projected as the experience of hate within and toward my environment, participating in a game where no one wins or even understands the consequences of how this behavior fits into a finite world system of profit, debt, and war to extinction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to follow through with an experience of aggression instead of stopping my participation in the moment and seeing it for what it is, while being willing to communicate it through words rather than in abstract thought forms that I would keep contained within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive another as manipulative and pretentious with the intention of diminishing them in my mind in order to create the experience of delusional control through aggression within myself, when it’s only possible to judge and diminish myself based on this perception. I take responsibility for what I see in another as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress who I am within contempt by using it as a substitute for direct communication within the belief that I have no control within communication or the experience of contempt, when the point of control is a primary factor in seeing reality as it is without being mind-driven to manipulate it to conform to my own delusion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define who I am according to memories of seeing and experiencing frustration and futility within my family system in relation to a pattern of half-assed intentions and projects never completed, while maintaining the perception of myself as limited within this memory-based fixation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to silently project my own experience of self-hatred onto a reflection of myself in another in order to see how they stand within my own self-judgment in order to cast the other in what I judge as the same ugly light that I perceive myself within, while only distracting and suppressing myself by placing the other in the same level of contempt in the longing to exist without pretense or the environmental factors that seem to support the delusion in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear existing within genetic or environmental influence of what I judge as another’s tunnel vision, complacence and self-suppression through some means of unconscious, habitual self-sabotage that can be stopped in a moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate responsibility toward myself as life within the perception who I am as genetically bound to go through the motions of who I would be until I’m dead within the systems of family, culture, and the environment, when I am as capable as anyone of effectively standing as life within this experience and set of circumstances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to transcend my own self-created experience through manifesting physical aggression and recklessness within myself in a moment, when neither side of this polarity has any validity to it as existing in reality as anything other than a mind experience, and I stop the definition of myself as ready to snap in a given moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself from the reality that is here with an unconscious fixation on the model of victimization and vindication within and as myself that I created out of association with my own false memories and experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to glorify myself as a character within the energy and experience of contempt and to use this emotion and everything that it consists of to establish a sense of self-religious dominion in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the justification that ‘it isn’t my fault that I’m alive’ to abdicate my own self responsibility by preserving the memory of those in the past as myself that I have held in contempt within refusing to forgive myself as them to stop the pattern in a single moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive contempt as something that no one can take away from me within the belief in contempt as a mind drug of vindication, without understanding how I would only support my own enslavement through participation in the world system as a whole.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be without feeling or emotion, while attempting to use contempt as a ‘pesticide’ for all other feelings and emotions so as to suppress myself within not looking into them directly for fear of identifying with them in a way that would presumably render me vulnerable or pathetic, or something I would judge as my reflection in other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to custom-design my experience of contempt through cultivating it according to an alleged aesthetic preference through a selective process of liking and disliking aspects of popular media and culture, and programming this into my body with the justification of apparently maintaining 'sanity,' which is the potential for self-suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cultivate an addiction to an experience of bittersweetness that I would contain within myself, where I would perpetuate the experience of ennui or depression by trying to balance it out, numb it down, or fill it in with contempt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately program contempt into my body and expression in order to keep others at a distance within the fear of reacting to them within myself in any way that would force me out of a stoic façade and into a state of vulnerability where I would confront the reality that I’m basically the same as everyone else around me in spite of the reactions that I am experiencing in relation to them which are entirely within myself as mental energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate responsibility from one moment to the next within cultivating the potential to always be able to ‘vent’ in a given moment by suppressing myself within my mind and separating myself from reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard the consequences of how I diminish myself within an unconscious addiction to the experience and silent projection of contempt that I would use like a drug to create a sense of dominion within my mind that could easily fall apart without the energy that is used to perpetuate it.

I see contempt for the self-created experience that it is, and I stop myself within the experience and perception of being driven by something that I would justify as being virtually beyond my capacity to self-direct. As a point of participation in the cycle of aggression and violence within humanity that ultimately leads to war, it can be stopped in a moment.