Johnathan's Journey to Life

[Johnathan]

Day 1

4/23/2012

So here I am committing myself to writing for 7 years. The journey of stopping all patterns.

So I am going to write about what is going on RIGHT NOW in my mind. Today, I have another big fucking zit on my face. I tried to pop it and only made it worse, made it more apparent. I noticed that I fear others seeing me with this big ass zit on my face and wonder if they notice it, while walking on campus and in class.

This big ass zit on my face is actually very supportive because it shows me how much I care about what others might think of how I look. So this zit is of great support by showing me that I want to look a certain way towards others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being in public with a big zit on my face.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder if people think I am ugly because I have a big zit on my face.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care what others may think of me with a big zit on my face.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that this big zit on my face is actually supporting me through showing me that I care how I look in the eyes of other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care about my physical appearance which leads to going into my mind in wondering and caring if others think I look acceptable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I should look a certain way and if I don't I may be seen as ugly by other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think others might be laughing at me because I have a big zit on my face.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that who I am has nothing to do with how I look physically with a big zit on my face.

I realize that I want to look acceptable according to other people.
I realize that I care what other people think about how I look physically.

When and as I wonder what others may think of me with a big zit on my face - I stop and breathe. I do not accept or allow myself to judge myself because I have a zit on my face. I do not accept or allow myself to fear being around people with a big zit on my face. Instead I simply notice that I just left this reality by thinking/caring what others think about me and bring myself back here.

[Marlen]

Cool for beginning, Jonathan!

Here's some support by Joe Kou: 2011 Pimped Out by my PIMP-LE - How Acne Assists In Process

[scott]

Cool Johnathan = )

[Johnathan]

Day 2

4/24/2012

I skip certain classes because I can get away with it. Sometimes I don’t ‘feel’ like going to certain classes and just don’t go, although these classes are classes that I enjoy and are part of my major. I skip because I know it won’t effect my grade but this is rather lazy and based on self-interest. When I say, “I don’t feel like it”, means I am doing it in the name of self-interest. I would rather be doing something else instead of doing what I am supposed to do to get this degree.

I don’t give a shit about grades, never have. My mom always says, “Doesn’t it feel good to get good grades?” Getting good grades has never made me feel good as a person. But this is no reason to skip class just because I know I can get away with it. So my grades have taken a downward slide ever since I started college. Starting out making the so called “dean’s list” and has been going down to me barely making the requirement for financial aid and grants. Just because I don’t give a shit doesn’t mean I should be able to do what I want when I ‘feel’ it.

Day 3

4/25/2012

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse, “I don’t feel like it” for not going to classes and within this not realizing that I skip classes because I am lazy and know that I can get away with not going to class

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to skip class because I can get away with it in the name of making good grades.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself skip classes because I ‘feel’ to lazy to go.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I decide to go to classes when I ‘feel’ like it or don’t feel like it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is ok skip classes because I can get away with it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my own self-interest is more important than going to class.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I put my own self-interest before other tasks that I need to do like going to class, doing homework, and doing the dishes.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my self-interest is based on desire and wants and that I put these desires and wants first before my own obligations.

When and as I feel as though I don’t want to go to class because I don’t ‘feel’ like it - I stop and breathe. I do not allow or accept myself to put my own desires and wants before my obligations - going to class. Instead - I realize that I don’t want to go to class because of my desire and wants. I realize that desire and wants are based on self-interest.

[Johnathan]

Day 4

4/26/2012

I feel as if there are so many areas that I could go into and write about that I don’t know where to start. There are all kinds of patterns that I live and don’t live that it is hard to pin point something right now. This is again the too-much-ness shit, the overwhelming feeling that is taking over. This shit happens a lot. My mind goes 100mph a lot of the fucking time and when I notice it and try and stop it I can’t. I try and stop my mind and can’t because I am TRYING to stop it. It is as if analysis is paralysis. I have been noticing these patterns more and more and haven't really done anything about them. I have barely scratched the surface.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel overwhelmed with my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let the "overwhelming" feeling that I feel direct me instead of directing myself here in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I become overwhelmed quite often and accept and allow this feeling of 'over-whelming-ness' to hypnotize me into a foggy state of mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel overwhelmed when I go into this foggy state of mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself when I go into this foggy state of mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I can't change all of my patterns that I live all at once.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to force myself to stop my mind when it is going 100mph, not realizing that stopping myself with force only ends up in the same result.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to paralyze myself with judging myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be too hard on myself within self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself judge myself to the point of becoming overwhelmed.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I can't change myself all at once and that this is a process that has to be walked breath by breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire instant/automatic change within myself, not realizing that this is a process that is walked breath by breath.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I let the energy that comes up within myself control myself instead of directing myself here breath by breath.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to direct myself breath by breath when I feel overwhelmed with energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let this too-much-ness hypnotize me into feeling overwhelmed into not being able to see one point at a time, breath by breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want automatic/instant results within this process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let these automatic/instant wants/desires cloud my mind into not being able to take on one point at a time.

I realize and accept that I become overwhelmed and let this too-much-ness foggy up my mind to the point of not being able to take on one point at a time.

I realize and accept that I allow myself to think of how I will be changed in the future, which is a futuristic-mind-projection that is not real - instead of living the corrective statements breath by breath.

I realize that I judge myself to the point of making everything foggy within my own mind.

When and as I notice myself feeling overwhelmed with myself and don't know where to find a starting point within myself - I stop and I breathe. I do not accept or allow myself to go into a foggy state of mind when I feel overwhelmed. Instead I realize that this process is done through small points, breath by breath, and that these small points don't require the energy that is felt when I feel overwhelmed.

[Johnathan]

Day 5

4/26/2012


So yesterday I was in improv and something interesting happened. The guitar players tend to diddle/doodle around when the teacher is talking. They play while the teacher is talking, not listening. I couldn’t hear what the teacher was saying so I said “Shut Up” to the guitar players. After class, one of the guitar players came up to me and said something like “don’t ever tell me to shut up again”, “You don’t even go to class”. I explained that I was simply trying to hear what the teacher was saying and I was talking to ALL of the guitar players. He took it as if I was talking to him personally, as if I was attacking him. He was very angry. I have never seen this dude lash out like this. We always get along. At the time he lashed out on me I didn’t react in anyway. I didn’t get angry. I was simply laughing at the situation. But later on I thought of how he lashed out on me and became angry inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to X with anger.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that this reaction of anger towards X occurred because X said “You don’t even go to class”.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I reacted in anger towards X when he went off on me because he pointed out how I don’t take responsibility for my obligation of going to class everyday. I realize that this reaction of anger occurred because I don’t take responsibility for my obligation of going to improv everyday.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memory of X lashing out on me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let this memory replay in my mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that X actually supported me when going off on me, showing me that I am actually angry at myself for not taking self responsibility for my obligation of going to class everyday. I realize that my anger towards X wasn’t really anger towards X but towards myself and how I do not take self-responsibility for going to class as I should.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize how everyone around me is a form of support that show me to myself through my own reactions that I have towards them. I realize and accept that when I react to someone else that I am only reacting to myself and that these reactions allow me to see what I accept and allow within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the support I receive daily from other human beings through my reactions towards them.

[Johnathan]

http://johnsjourny.blogspot.com/2012/07/my-last-blog-i-talked-about-taking-on.html

[Johnathan]

http://johnsjourny.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-11-part-3-i-am-moral-and-you-are-not.html

[Johnathan]

http://johnsjourny.blogspot.com/2012/07/i-forgive-myself-for-accepting-and.html

[Johnathan]

http://johnsjourny.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-13-i-am-moral-and-you-are-not-part-4.html

Day 13: I am Moral and You are not Part 4
Here is another status update on facebook that I reacted to "Please pray for the hearts of the Breathitt Regional Juvenile Detention Center.I do praise - worship and a message every Thursday night if anyone would like to add it to your prayer lists !Thanks !

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with anger when I saw the status "Please pray for the hearts of the Breathitt Regional Juvenile Detention Center.I do praise - worship and a message every Thursday night if anyone would like to add it to your prayer lists !Thanks !"

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I reacted with anger to this fb status because I expect this person to see everything like I do - which verifies my "Moral" Character.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I react to such statements that I am focused on how everyone else should change instead of focusing on me and what I accept and allow within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus on other people and things outside of myself instead of focusing on me and what I accept and allow myself to exist as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame other people and things outside of myself for why the world is the way it is not realizing that when I blame other people and things outside of myself that I am only blinding myself from what I accept and allow myself to exist as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when I am judging another that I am judging myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I judge other people as not "Moral" according to this self-created character when I react to the fb status "Please pray for the hearts of the Breathitt Regional Juvenile Detention Center.I do praise - worship and a message every Thursday night if anyone would like to add it to your prayer lists !Thanks !"'

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I judge Christians based on my past and what I have witnessed within growing up in the church as this is when I started to notice my parents talking bad about others.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I judged other church members who I heard my parents talk bad about while at home when I was young - not realizing that I later went on to judging them as bad people when I saw them in the church or at any church related activities.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that these thoughts/judgements of other church members were installed by hearing my parents talk about certain people while I was in one room and they were in another room - hearing them behind closed doors.

I realize/see/understand that the I started to judge other human beings at a very young age because I witnessed my parents doing it.

When and as I notice myself reacting to any religious person whether online or in the flesh. I Stop, I Breathe. I do not accept or allow myself to justify in my mind why I think they are wrong. I realize that when I justify in my mind why I think they are wrong that I am living/acting as a "Moral" Character. Instead I stop the thought/judgement - realizing that the very thought/judgement is based on being "Moral".

I commit myself to stop myself when and as I notice/see this "Moral" Character come up within me - stopping whenever I notice that I want to prove to myself and another that I am right and they are wrong.

I commit myself to stop when I notice myself wanting to prove myself as "Moral" to other people and myself.

I commit myself to focus and investigate myself instead of other people or things outside of myself.

I commit myself to investigate all of the patterns/habits/thoughts that I exist as.