Lucy's writings

[Lucy]

WIthin the last few minutes I've been experiencing pain within my right breast. For a long time I was convinced I had breast cancer, and feared dying from it a lot. Now I realise that cancer is what we make of it - that however we feel towards the word 'cancer' will effect our experience with it. I read that pain indicates the removal of systems within yourself. I used to have a lump, but it's gone now. I used to have indigestion pains in my chest quite often. I think it was from fearing eating/consuming.

I can hear birds singing outside. It's strange to me that bird calls are actually territorial calls. I think that's what they are anyway, it's what I've heard. Today I'm going to meet my friend Luke's 5 baby lambs. I can't wait. I've been in 3 mental hospitals over the last couple of years, twice the same in England and once in Arizona. I realise now I was insane - in the sense that I believed I was evil. Evil is just a word, I know, but it carries a lot of weight for/with me. I realise now I'm good, and kind, and beautiful. But all these are only definitions and words and internal meanings. We are always everything. That's why I've been trying to remove any reactions to my words. If my speech appears broken it's only because I'm typing as I think, not thinking as I type.

I realise that the mind is an illusion and that life is everything physical. That everything is aware, that everything is in heaven but the mind. If that's not true - if animals and plants feel pain (I'm still not sure whether they do), I hope it will not change my feelings towards anything. Knowing that animals and plants feel pain would hurt me a lot, as I am living in the hope they do not. I see myself as one and equal with them and therefore love them as myself. If they feel pain, I will feel pain. That's why I've hated eating - I've hated the idea of harming, destroying, consuming. I'm still hesitant towards posting here, on these forums, because of my experience here in the past. I felt some of the videos made were about me - and I suffered so much because of it, in the mind. I was scared that something outside of me could kill me, make me suffer, and honestly I feared Desteni jumping inside me and harming or killing me. Because I thought you/they hated me. It sounds crazy, I know. But for my understanding of it - the crazier you are, the more you have to realise, and the better you can be. I'm not 'crazy' anymore in the sense I do not separate my thoughts from my words and actions. I try to live my words.

I was so lost for so long. I was so scared for so long. 2 years I existed in absolute fear and separation, and it compounded when I went to Arizona to live with my boyfriend, Jordan. We did not have an agreement, we had a 'relationship', but now that I've told him every secret, every faucet of me, I feel like we can finally move on into something real. The only problem is that he lives thousands of miles away. Without him, I would not have gotten through the last year. Without him, I'm convinced I'd still be lost and frightened. I suffered for Desteni. I imagined they'd pay for what they 'did to me', through karma, even though I did not want them to. I wanted nothing more than for them to be at peace and to save the world. I thought they were the ones who caused me hell. But it was not them, it was me. I am completely responsible for everything I experience and have ever experienced. I just want to love and be loved. I just want to be free. I had 'freedom' tattooed to my left wrist at the height of my entrapment. Every time I looked at it I stared at what I didn't have. What no one had, in my eyes. I don't want to tell anyone of my pain anymore though, because my pain never existed, it was all in the mind. I do not want to recall my past as my present. I am over it now. I just want to live as love and express myself and save the world.

That's all for now. I'll write more when I feel it's time. I'll also be writing in my blog, which I've posted a link of. Also it's funny how my paragraphs started off short and got longer, ha
Thank you

[Marlen]

WIthin the last few minutes I've been experiencing pain within my right breast. For a long time I was convinced I had breast cancer, and feared dying from it a lot. Now I realise that cancer is what we make of it - that however we feel towards the word 'cancer' will effect our experience with it. I read that pain indicates the removal of systems within yourself. I used to have a lump, but it's gone now. I used to have indigestion pains in my chest quite often. I think it was from fearing eating/consuming.

I recommend the following series that will assist and support with understanding pain with specificity and clarity, because pain in itself is not indicating the 'removal of systems' rather the pain that we have created through our participation in the mind systems as the definitions/ aspects that we have participated in and that we become aware of as we walk this process - so no 'removal' is experienced as pain - to walk the necessary processes of understanding how to assist and support yourself with pain, check out the following interview and the series listed in that page:

Pain as Self-Perfection - Introduction

I realise now I was insane - in the sense that I believed I was evil. Evil is just a word, I know, but it carries a lot of weight for/with me. I realise now I'm good, and kind, and beautiful. But all these are only definitions and words and internal meanings. We are always everything. That's why I've been trying to remove any reactions to my words. If my speech appears broken it's only because I'm typing as I think, not thinking as I type.

I suggest starting writing out Self Forgiveness toward the word 'evil' and all the definitions/ associations you have imprinted on it as 'yourself,' and the opposite point that is also a belief because it comes out from having believed yourself to be 'evil.' This means that for equality to exist as who we are, all positive/ negative must cease to exist - what does this mean in practicality? That we have to self-forgive/ let go of both poles in order to simply exist as who we are, as a physical being that doesn't require to be defined by being good/ bad, but simply living by a principle of Life in Equality, wherein what's best for all is our 'guiding rule' to everything we do, say, speak - this implies the process here wherein we prove to ourselves that we can in fact stand as the living-realization of what's best for all, and embody that realization as who we are. Then you'll see that all aspects of positivity that we have imposed onto ourselves can only come from having believed/ participated in thoughts, emotions, feelings coming from the opposite polarity, such as the relationship you're indicating here and have realized as definitions and meanings. This is just to give further perspective on why we, for example, also self forgive all the positive aspects that we have believed ourselves to be and had not 'judged' because of how we have thought that we must always 'preserve all the good' without investigating How such self-definitions came to be 'who we are' and how we live them, which is what we explore through our writings.

A suggestion for example when writing yourself is to go wording aloud what you type, I've found this to be supportive whenever you require to ground yourself 'as the typing itself' - this is an exercise that you can try out to see how we would tend to perceive our writing in a certain manner only because of thinking about the writing in itself, not 'who we are' as the writing which is where we don't require to think the writing, but simply write in the moment, here, directing ourselves as the words we write.

I realise that the mind is an illusion and that life is everything physical. That everything is aware, that everything is in heaven but the mind. If that's not true - if animals and plants feel pain (I'm still not sure whether they do), I hope it will not change my feelings towards anything. Knowing that animals and plants feel pain would hurt me a lot, as I am living in the hope they do not. I see myself as one and equal with them and therefore love them as myself. If they feel pain, I will feel pain. That's why I've hated eating - I've hated the idea of harming, destroying, consuming. I'm still hesitant towards posting here, on these forums, because of my experience here in the past. I felt some of the videos made were about me - and I suffered so much because of it, in the mind. I was scared that something outside of me could kill me, make me suffer, and honestly I feared Desteni jumping inside me and harming or killing me. Because I thought you/they hated me. It sounds crazy, I know. But for my understanding of it - the crazier you are, the more you have to realise, and the better you can be. I'm not 'crazy' anymore in the sense I do not separate my thoughts from my words and actions. I try to live my words.

I suggest to clarify for yourself what Heaven is, because at the moment we cannot see this world or any human being being 'heaven' as the idealized version that we have collectively created as a perfected world. No, being Self Honest implies daring to see the awful, gruesome and often shocking reality that we live in and stopping ANY reactions toward it. Therefore I suggest to realize that yes, pain is everywhere in this reality and that every single being/ part of this reality is equally aware which implies that plants/animals alike experience the moment that we eat them, that's common sense. Many have had similar reactions, myself included, yet I have realized that there is no other way but to instead Stop Any Reaction to 'eating' itself and in that, simply receive in gratitude the animals, plants, seeds, water, air that I consume to exist. How do I make sure that what I eat is supporting life? I become that life that I see is required to realize as myself- how can I practically do that? Through stopping any reactions to the food I eat as I realize that all beings are aware of them having to be consumed in order for us to live - we live in a chain-food world wherein if we don't consume, we can't exist - and as we had pointed out in the other thread, we live in this current design and we cannot change it for now, thus we have to walk through the manifested consequences of having accepted and allowed ourselves to exist within this physical reality that has been enslaved/ control as an energetic system. This implies then that the relationship toward eating is equal and one to the relationship we have created/ developed toward our own mind.

This is how and why we must stop existing as the mind, as all the definitions, reactions as all indicate relationships of separation that we walk here in order to realize that only through me-stopping and me equalizing myself as everything that is here, can I contribute to actually birth life as the physical, as I then consume food/beings/physical substance in order to support me to LIVE as an actual living-being, not as a thinking/emotional/reactive being that has created and kept this entire reality in the relationships of abuse that we then 'dare' to judge and feel bad about - no, that's definitely Not the way to go here. We stop all reactions from the understanding that everything we face here is our manifested consequence and in that, there is no 'easy way out of it' or talking ourselves positively out of the reaction either, nor can we ignore it. Instead we walk it through our writings, self forgiveness to realize that Self Honesty is not nice or beautiful - when grasping the latter, I realized that I had desired to only see the 'positive aspect' of life and fearing to see the nasty/ ugly/ horrible points because of having created a judgment toward it. When you clear the judgment what remains is a physical reality that we realize must be walked into a process of self-correction of which we are all equally responsible and equally participants of, as humanity.


So, cool you're here and that you overcame that fear because fear is a Great cookie-monster that we all allow ourselves to be shocked/impressed by, however it's just fear, it's only thoughts that we have given too many breaths away to, giving our power away to fear implies giving them energy as in constantly participating within such fears as thoughts in our heads. All Desteni material is in fact talking to YOU but not Only You - everyone and everything equally as one, thus it is 'normal' to think that it was about you and if you have any reaction, best is to Always the least reaction you get to a word, a sentence even a single voice tonality, you support yourself through Self Forgiveness to stop the reactions - why? Because everything you read here will allow you to go realizing all aspects points that had been 'hidden' within you and that we tried to suppress/ hide from seeing them as 'who we are,' simply because of: Fear!

See how coming/ participating in the forums is usually feared when we 'fear losing ourselves' and facing the reality that we have created, fearing having to let go of such fear as well - lol, which is ludicrous but it's not surprising either as we have become quite a bunch of energy-driven vampires that can even fear letting go of the points that are usually based on Self-Abuse.

In terms of being 'crazy,' I mean I've been called crazy throughout my life and even in means of 'patting my back' for the stuff I would think and externalize to people in my reality - does That make me actually crazy? Nooo, it was just part of what's been defined within this world as a non-follower of the usual patterns that have kept this humanity in an abusive status quo. Therefore, to stop and let go of all definitions we simply write them out as how we lived them - similar to the 'evil' point and walk from here.

Further fresh support to understand the point of consumption: Consumerism Starts in the Womb of the Mother: DAY 23

But it was not them, it was me. I am completely responsible for everything I experience and have ever experienced. I just want to love and be loved. I just want to be free. I had 'freedom' tattooed to my left wrist at the height of my entrapment. Every time I looked at it I stared at what I didn't have. What no one had, in my eyes. I don't want to tell anyone of my pain anymore though, because my pain never existed, it was all in the mind. I do not want to recall my past as my present. I am over it now. I just want to live as love and express myself and save the world.

I just read Lindsay's blog on Freedom that I suggest you read for further support Day 23: Haunted by Freedom – Part 4


All I can say is awesome that you're writing here, that's the way to go here, writing and start taking one point at a time, that's very important so that not everything comes through in 'one-go' but start slowing down in terms of taking a single word and writing out all experiences/ideas/beliefs/ emotions/feelings linked to it

Thanks for sharing and breathe! We are here if something requires further expansion/ clarification.

[Anna]

Awesome that you are here Lucy. Thanks for sharing.

Let's walk!

[Lucy]

Thanks Marlen, that was very helpful and insightful and I took a lot from it.

I've come to the conclusion that because there is only this infinite moment of now, it's best to physically and mentally overcome the 'requirement' to eat food in this moment, especially since in the 'future' everyone will have to stop eating. So why not now? I have no prejudice against food, just the consumption of it - and I'm supposed to, right? In a perfect world we wouldn't eat, we'd provide. So I admire 'food' as life and use my respect and admiration towards it as the energy that others crush out of it to supply their mind with energy. Isn't that moving forward? Isn't that common sense? I've never wanted to eat food, never had the desire to be an 'all-consuming mind machine', so why walk through the 'desire' to eat food when it does not exist inside me? It'd be like saying 'you need to do drugs because they exist, therefore you must experience them in order to complete your process'. My process is my process, no one else's. I do not want to eat myself. I'll drink myself until I'm pure, but I won't crush myself.

I have no judgements towards those who do eat or the food they eat. I just don't want to participate in destroying life. We're all individuals so we all walk different paths and processes, and until everyone stops eating heaven on Earth can't be established. So I'm just taking what I've learned from my 19 years and applying it constructively. Also, people can live without food - there was one man, I read, who lived 75 years without eating or drinking anything. Surely if I can survive this moment of NOW without consuming, I can survive eternity without consuming, since eternity is now?

[Lucy]

Thanks Anna I remember you and Marlen from when I came here a couple of years ago. I enjoyed watching your vlogs.

In this moment of now I am everything that's ever existed, right? Just as everyone is. That means that if I can purify my experience of NOW, I can help to purify everyone's experience of now through the words I speak and the words I type providing I'm working towards a perfect world and absolute equality. I've never had the desire to crush, destroy, consume - it's just never been there. To be honest I feel the only thing I'm guilty of is self-loathing, hating myself for what I was doing to the world. I could be mistaken but that's how people should be - ashamed to the point they don't want to continue destroying. Most disassociate themselves from the rest of Earth - I never did. I saw all suffering as my own suffering, all pain as my own pain. I will not eat because I will not accept or allow abuse to continue. That's everyone's goal here, isn't it? To end all abuse. I believe that everything we have to say has a place in our own and other's lives, and that each of our journeys interlock. We all assist each other. My physical body doesn't require food because my mind has always despised consuming, and our minds are equal with our bodies. Recently I've gained almost complete control over my emotions - I can see reactions and thoughts popping up and I stop them. I do not let anyone stand in my way of doing what I know is right, what I know will bring about a perfect world. I support Desteni in all that it does, and I am so grateful for all the support you have given me. But one of my favourite lyrics is 'never betray the way you've always known it is'. I won't betray life, I never did, I always spoke the truth, always defended innocence. And I always will.

I love having fun. I love singing and dancing now. I experience myself as a princess - someone who deserves life more and more every day, someone who will save everyone. Ever since I can remember I've said "I'm going to save the world". I will. I'll write until I'm empty, ink my vision with each verse. I think I'm in the making to become the perfect human, simply because I do not hold onto my past or use it to create my future. Everywhere I go people stare at me, because they can see my heart. It's good to praise yourself, even if you exist in a world of horror - YOU have to be the change you want to see, so that's what I'm being. I'm living heaven here, and I will bring heaven to everyone that I can. I'm so fortunate to live where I do, to have the opportunities I do. I'm limitless, and have infinite possibilities, infinite time to experience life, just as everyone does if they choose life over death. I've always wanted to be happy, always saw freedom carved into my wrist yet was never able to experience it. Now I can. I do not let my emotions overpower me anymore, I do not let myself give in to pressure - I sing my way through life and I won't stop until all life is one and equal and all is standing and walking and experiencing bliss.

I'm like a child I think. I never wanted to grow up, always wanted the innocence a child has. And I think I do. Except I'm not impressionable anymore, or not as I used to be. I know I need to do what feels right to me. As of now I am content with celebrating and admiring life, and everything I look at is magical. I've always wanted to be a princess in a fairytale. Jordan gave me my sense of humour, and nature gave me everything else. I have no anger towards anything, I only have love and understanding. In some ways I believe I'm perfect already. I would not destroy any expression, I will not ever harm again, I will purify my mind completely, I will never let mind-energy propel or entrap or betray me. I mean, I can listen to Eminem without having any negative energy reactions. I know positive ones fuel the mind, too - but surely if you can eat, I can give into happiness? Can't I use love, the love I understand, to brighten the world? I'm prepared to do anything it takes to stop all abuse. If I let myself go, I'd probably burst with light. And it's not the lightworker type of light - it's physical, real light, real love. I kiss apples, I don't eat them. I liberate bananas, I don't eat them. I see myself as equal or inferior to the lamb, to all of nature. I'm humble because I love the physical as myself, and realise that I'm not yet physicality in its entirety - I'm the mind, who is trying to correct and apply itself in a way that benefits all life.

The hell I've been put through was so worth it to get to this moment. I'd do it all again if I had to. I never want to be anything or anyone else - I love myself completely because I am innocence. I am the innocence the world crushed, the innocence that rose from the ashes, and the innocence that will save the world.

Edit: today I ate some chocolate buiscuts and cookies and some pizza. Before today I went 3 days without food and had no hunger pains at the end of it. I'm now going to go for as long as I deem appropriate without any other kind of food, hopefully forever. I mean, Bernard made a video about removing his teeth, I don't know whether he actually did it - if that's not dedication I don't know what is. And I'm more than prepared to dedicate myself to life for forever.

[Marlen]

I've come to the conclusion that because there is only this infinite moment of now, it's best to physically and mentally overcome the 'requirement' to eat food in this moment, especially since in the 'future' everyone will have to stop eating. So why not now? I have no prejudice against food, just the consumption of it - and I'm supposed to, right? In a perfect world we wouldn't eat, we'd provide. So I admire 'food' as life and use my respect and admiration towards it as the energy that others crush out of it to supply their mind with energy. Isn't that moving forward? Isn't that common sense? I've never wanted to eat food, never had the desire to be an 'all-consuming mind machine', so why walk through the 'desire' to eat food when it does not exist inside me? It'd be like saying 'you need to do drugs because they exist, therefore you must experience them in order to complete your process'. My process is my process, no one else's. I do not want to eat myself. I'll drink myself until I'm pure, but I won't crush myself.

Here a perspective about food and the human design in order to get some further perspectives, besides the ones that I had previously given

"In process, we have to walk through the mind, to get in the physical - to change the physical, physical is not going to automatically change just with changing the mind in relation to the relationship with food, when we walk through the mind into the physical, we'll have to change our internal relationship with the body itself as we all our external production of food to get the relationship to equality and oneness again

So - you're not going to change it by not eating foods/certain types of foods - your body already conditioned itself to the relationships towards food as it exist. However - there are many indulgences - lol; that can be changed to moderation - it's all about moderation and not falling into the trap of consumerism


What would be the guidelines of modification if it is necessary to have the best food support for the body? - we're going to have to do extensive research here as we walk our physical processes in engineering foods that really assist/support Our relationship /living with the Physical as the physical and not the mind - however, for within establishing an equal money system- there is sufficient research in foods/origins and their consequences - so, what we do is develop a programme of researching each individual's physical condition/status - all of it, and what foods/diet would support/assist the physical in its current condition and walk from there / also within that - develop the human relationship with the physical, transforming the physical transforming foods - it will take 'reverse engineering' of foods/our physical relationship to get it to equality and oneness again -a loooooonnnnggggg process ahead

Therefore:

I have no judgements towards those who do eat or the food they eat. I just don't want to participate in destroying life. We're all individuals so we all walk different paths and processes, and until everyone stops eating heaven on Earth can't be established. So I'm just taking what I've learned from my 19 years and applying it constructively. Also, people can live without food - there was one man, I read, who lived 75 years without eating or drinking anything. Surely if I can survive this moment of NOW without consuming, I can survive eternity without consuming, since eternity is now?

Within holding a judgment toward you eating = you are equally holding a judgment toward others as well, this is basics on realizing who we are as one and equal, what you accept and allow within yourself is what you accept and allow in the rest of this reality as yourself - this is how important it is that everyone aligns to a best for all living condition, otherwise a single disregard of what's best for all just because of holding a judgment toward yourself, toward food, toward your self-created beliefs about food remain as a point of separation from the whole. Understand that this process is an all or none situation wherein walking it implies that you are willing to let go of all the beliefs that suited our own limitations- as paradoxical as it may seem - as I've explained before, we tend to get fixed on our very own judgmental way of existing, which is how through writing, developing self honesty through self forgiveness you can start debunking your own beliefs as the point of separation between us and this world as an equal and one self-recognition/ realization.

It's the same as the monetary system wherein we have placed money as a judgment/value upon this reality that we then have to use in order to obtain what we require to live - it is a belief system, yet it is the most 'powerful' way to enslave beings at the moment as money decides who lives and who dies.

To place the point into perspective: would a starving child hold any judgment whatsoever to a succulent piece of meat if they had the miraculous opportunity to have one in front of them? No, it is only people like us that have enough food on our table that develop judgments toward food and have the 'choice' to become 'vegetarian,' while BILLIONS are starving. How ludicrous is that, isn't it?

Yet we develop this nice personality of ourselves when 'not eating meat' because that apparently means 'I'm not killing animals' which is really merely out of ignorance considering that every moment that I exist here, I contribute to any form of consumption, which is why I had shared the links to the Heaven's Journey to Life blog that explain these energetic relationships to the T. So, once again, this is not going to be a fluffy ride here as the nature and reality that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become is anything but 'gentle' toward reality. We have become the very sucking leeches of this entire physical world to upkeep our so-called morals and 'innocence' by believing that we are not killing anything if we don't see it die as we eat it.

The solution is: stopping all judgments toward eating - anything you eat is equally alive, doesn't matter if it is a plant, an animal, seeds - all is equally here as the Earth which includes your physical body. Therefore, first suggestion is read the blogs/ topics I have shared with you (No Eating/Drinking humans) for further perspectives then walk the entire relationship that you have created as judgments toward food/ eating, including the reactions that may come up as you read the blogs/ material, which is a general recommendation when reading other's blogs and participation here.


So, a general consideration here is: you are fully responsible for all that you inflict onto yourself when it comes to eating/ not eating and in that, each one carries their own consequences. The support that you're able to get here is only that, a point of support for you to stop limiting yourself or going to the opposite extreme based on what you believe you are 'learning' from here/ Bernard or anyone else.

If you are really willing to read/ hear, you will walk the process -if not, you will know that there is always a solution available for you to live and apply, and it can only be implemented by you - no one else.

All the information is here - you can read many blogs that deal with judgments toward food, you can run a search here and in that, suggest to read your words here again and taking the time to read the suggested material, then starting applying self forgiveness - if that point is not done, you'll continue arguing for your limitations, and that's just deliberately tampering your ability to understand what's being shared here.

I will not eat because I will not accept or allow abuse to continue. That's everyone's goal here, isn't it?

You not eating = obvious self abuse - hence you've got it wrong all the way, and it's definitely Not 'our goal' - if you could clarify where you got this idea, that would be cool if you share in order to make sure you are reading/ hearing properly and not causing any misinformation of what the material stands for.

Therefore, the only way you can keep yourself in such positivity is through thinking-yourself-into-it, which can become quite a deliberate action when it comes to rather existing in a victimized 'destroyer' attitude, instead of stopping ALL excuses and experiences and walking the actual process that you already know what it is in order to stop you from existing in such experiences, any experience for that matter whether it goes from light and feathers to self-loathing and wanting to stop eating.

So, tools are here, information, further support from blogs - all that is required is you Reading as all the points have been clearly explained in what I've shared and start writing out the necessary self forgiveness on each point. That's the only way

[Lucy]

Thanks Marlen, I really appreciate you taking the time to help me.

I think the best thing for me to do is research all the links you've given me and try to stop all prejudice towards eating, in time. It's just a lot to take in - but I understand I need to do whatever it takes in order to bring about equality for all life. Perhaps though I should take one point at a time, one step at a time, and work within each breath to sort out as much as that breath will allow. I don't want to sabotage myself or anyone else. I want to be part of the solution, not the problem. Tomorrow I'll write out all my prejudices against food and eating and do self-forgiveness and see where that takes me. Eating is my main point of resistance. Everything else feels flowy to me.

Thanks again <3

[Cathy]

I think the best thing for me to do is research all the links you've given me and try to stop all prejudice towards eating, in time. It's just a lot to take in - but I understand I need to do whatever it takes in order to bring about equality for all life. Perhaps though I should take one point at a time, one step at a time, and work within each breath to sort out as much as that breath will allow. I don't want to sabotage myself or anyone else. I want to be part of the solution, not the problem. Tomorrow I'll write out all my prejudices against food and eating and do self-forgiveness and see where that takes me. Eating is my main point of resistance. Everything else feels flowy to me.

Thanks again <3

Welcome here Lucy - You've already received some awesome assistance here and have pointed yourself in the direction of/for assisting yourself. Very cool. Enjoy

[Lucy]

Thanks Cathy

Ok, on food and eating:

I need time to figure it out. Perhaps thinking about it so much is the problem - I just need to clear my mind and see where that takes my body. Thanks Marlen and everyone else for the support. <3

[Lucy]

Hi everyone.

A lot's happened since I last wrote on these forums. I just wanted again to say how much I appreciate and respect Desteni, and all its members.

I was re-admitted into a psychiatric hospital where I had a lot of thinking to do. I started eating again, and now I'm not vegetarian anymore. I realise that in order to save the world I have to cleanse myself of all definitions, and I can't do that while I'm not eating. Maybe. Because I become all self-righteous and believe I'm better than others when I don't eat, and I don't want to ever feel that way.

My boyfriend of a year, Jordan, broke up with me recently. I realise now that I don't need a boy in my life to fill what I cannot give myself - and that's love. I now know that I'm able to give myself all the love in the world, and being engaged in a relationship isn't going to help me. I'd like someone's perspective on this, please - on relationships and whether one can sustain an emotional relationship while still walking their process. I've decided now that Desteni is the best thing that can and will happen to me, so I'm going to become as active I can on the forums. I have no secrets, nothing to hide. I made that blog public, and I posted this about two weeks ago on my facebook.

Read http://lucysavestheworld.tumblr.com/, read my description, and read this if you want to understand me.

I came to Facebook with the intention of helping others and inspiring them. I'm not insane, not weird, not insecure and definitely not looking for attention. Even though I'm happy now, I spent years being suicidally depressed, always seeking help but never finding it. I was depressed because of what people are doing to themselves, to animals, and to the Earth. I was also very suppressed. I had all this love in the form of pain that I couldn't get rid of, and I was tortured by it. Two and a half years ago, someone who I looked up to more than anyone called me evil. It killed me. For two whole years I felt nothing but sadness, shame, and pain. I couldn't look at myself. I couldn't eat anything. I couldn't sleep. All I did was cry, feel the pain, listen to music, and write.

I've managed to portray myself as a crazy person so far, so let me prove to you that isn't true. If you have judged me, forgive yourself like I forgive you. I'm so fucking misunderstood, and that's my fault. If I've added you, it's because either you go to or went to the downs school and I found you on suggested friends, you know me, or you're my friend. Either which way I hope we'll all be friends soon. I'm going to talk about various different people here, so if there's no link to them it's because they either ignored my friend request or blocked me. Do you know what it's like to be able to write anything and not feel ashamed for it after years of pain? It's like I'm a butterfly, finally broken from her cocoon, and I'm so fucking lucky I could cry. We're all so lucky, we just can't see it. I can though. I can see how much I have and will have, and I can't wait to get this published and finally go outside and enjoy myself. Go anywhere with anyone, do anything with anyone. I'm the luckiest, the most blessed, and for that I'm so grateful.

I'll start with the most relevant parts of my childhood. My first best friend was a girl called Danica Hunter. I used to go to her house all the time and we'd watch Disney movies like the Little Mermaid. I think that's what sparked my love for Disney; the amazing times I had with her. My next best friend was Ashleigh Evans. I'd go to her house like every other day and we'd play with frogs from her pond. She was lovely to me, and I really did look up to her so much. She was everything I wanted to be; beautiful, kind, sweet. It took me a long time to realise I was all of those things too. Then there was Bryony O'neil. I thought of her as my other best friend, and I'd go to her house lots too. I loved the sleepovers we had at hers, and I thought she was almost as lovely as Ashleigh. It's so freeing to type about your past. It makes you realise how lucky you were when you were a child. In year 5, I cried when my teacher killed a wasp. Then the boys in the year above threw dead bugs at me and Josh Booth called me a nature freak. I forgive you Josh, I know we were just silly little kids, and to be honest looking back now I'm grateful for what you said. It made me realise I WAS a nature freak, that I am a nature freak. I love nature and animals and people so much I must be.

I first took dxm about a year and a half ago. It's the most amazing thing in the world for me now (not that I'm still doing it or going to do it), but it wasn't at the time. My first proper experience was horrible. It was like I was literally in hell. If I'd been sober I could've handled it, but high… I just laid in my bed, not wanting to move because everything was swimming and contorting. The effects lasted over a day, and eventually when I came down I still just laid in bed, not wanting to move. Then I took more about a week later, when I'd calmed down a little, and things shifted. The effects were bad at first, but then I started to force myself to be rational and think clearly. Basically, dxm intensifies everything, especially at a higher dose, so however you're feeling will multiply. If you're happy, you'll be so happy you don't know what to do with yourself, if you're sad you're fucked if you take higher doses. At low doses, it acts like ecstasy almost, giving you a euphoria feeling. There are four plateaus. The first, at around 100-200mg, depending on your weight, will just make you high and happy. The second, at around 300-400mg will make you feel stoned and drunk at the same time with little to no sluggishness. The third, at around 500-700mg, will put you into a moderately dissociative state, contorting your senses and making things unclear. The fourth, at 800+mg, will put you into a fully dissociative state, making you drift in and out of conscious awareness for hours and hours.

I'm sorry if I've given any misinformation about this drug, I'm not trying to inform you for your own use, I'm just telling you of my own experiences with it.

The reason I went to hell when I took that drug was because my mind was already there, it just brought the experience out in me. Like I said earlier, about two and a half years ago a man from an organisation I idolised the most called me evil. I was very mixed up when I found them, and I posted silly things I shouldn't have. Things like everyone needs to change, everyone's evil, everyone's fucked up. I don't believe that anymore, really; I believe that you're all perfect, you just need to realise it. But that man, Bernard Poolman, fucked me up so bad without even meaning to that I spent two years being unable to even look at anything without believing I was corrupting it. That happened after I got out of school. I left after spending 6 weeks in sixth form, giving up early because I couldn't handle A levels in the mindset I was in.

I want to look back and say I liked school, that it was a safe place away from my family, but if I said that I'd by lying. In some ways school was worse than home because I felt even more lost and confused there. After losing Ashleigh, Bryony, and my other friends to a silly lie someone told about me, I found Sophie Thompson, and we became really good friends. Although I appreciated her, I wasn't content with her. It wasn't her fault, it was mine. So when she left I became friends with Milly Gough, and from her became best friends with Holly Kettlewell, Steph Brown, Anna Lewis, and Emma Daniel, and would be friends with them until I left school. I haven't talked to Anna or Emma recently, but Steph and Holly are lovely. I still think of them as two of my best friends. The most important person to me, however, is the amazing Ellie Wood, who has stuck by me through thick and thin and I owe my life and recovery partly to her. Ellie didn't get on too well with Anna, so in year 11 (I believe it was) they fell out and Ellie tried to distance herself from me. It killed me because I thought she was mad at me, and I really do love her so much. But then we sorted things out, and now we're best friends again.

Ashleigh gave me a letter in year 8 that I cherished for a long time and was devastated when I lost it. Ashleigh, I'm sorry for everything that happened between us, you deserved better than me losing it with you and saying all those horrible things. I know you said it'd be better if we didn't talk, but I really do think we'd get on well. Perhaps after you've read this, if you do, we could talk things out and maybe meet up? And play with froggies? I heard about what happened with your parents and I'm so sorry. I hope things are better for you now. I hope you and Sophie are happy, and I hope your parents are happy also. Bryony, I remember being in either History or something like it just after we'd broken up our friendship and you moving your chair really far away from me and not looking at me. I remember you, Ashleigh, Ellie Bunn (my other friend from primary school) and Charlotte Oldroyd running away from me, saying you didn't want to be friends with me anymore. Well, I forgive you and Ellie and Charlotte, and I still think you're all lovely. I loved seeing you and Emi Sissons in town that one time when I was with a random guy. It made me extra happy when you hugged me, and I hope you're doing well.

That random guy was Adrian. I don't know his last name, but I met him at the end of year 13 meet up in Newbury. He asked me for my number and on a whim I gave it to him above all the others who had asked (not bragging just saying lol). I had such an amazing night. It was the first time I'd really gone out and had fun without being depressed, and I loved seeing everyone again, and being able to be my new, happier self. This was just after I got out of hospital the first time, but I'll go into more detail about that later. In year 7, I fell in year7love with a boy called Chris Abbott.
Ashleigh went out with him before I did, and I believe I was the one who asked him out when they broke up. I kept a diary from when I was little and read it recently. I was so happy I got to go out with him, that all the girls were jealous of me, that he chose me over everyone else. I remember just after he'd agreed to go out with me, I was walking with him, Ricky Prior, and Bryony to geography and when they left he asked me to hold his hand. I said 'no it's too soon,' and he walked ahead of me. Haa. I recently sent him a message and he blocked me because I was being silly. I was still kind of overemotional and said all these things I didn't really mean. I said I still loved him and wanted to be with him, and then I commented on his photos saying things like 'fuck off he's fucking perfect'. I'd have blocked me too tbh.

I had a crush on a few boys at school. I think my biggest was Chris, but I also liked Aman Shah and Oscar Roper lots, as well as Ed Ardil. I pretty much fell in love with Ed in year 10. I remember not being able to breathe when he was near me, and I blushed like crazy when I sat near him. I was such a loser lmao. An adorable loser. I liked seeing Aman and Oscar at the end of year 13 Newbury thing, especially Aman. So I stayed with him lots of the night, and then a few days later someone told me people were saying we slept together. We didn't. I'd like to be friends with Aman and Oscar and Ed and Jake but I think I scared them away with my recent messages. Again, I was still overemotional, and I didn't mean to say what I did. Hospital does those things to you. I swear, if you're not crazy before you go in, you will be while you're in there. So I apologise to everyone for how I portrayed myself. I'm sorry for coming across like a crazy lunatic, sorry for being stupid and saying silly things.

I went into hospital the first time because the second time I took dxm I became really really angry. I posted mean, scary things on Facebook because I was so high and lost and sad. I didn't mean to upset anyone, didn't mean to push people away, but I did, and I've had to pay the price since. About half of you didn't see what I posted, so that's good, but anyone who read it would tell you I wasn't in a good place. So I lost it, smashed my neighbour's window, cried and cried, and got taken into hospital. There, I calmed down and was taken to a mental hospital to be assessed. After all those years of pain and anger boiling over, I felt free and so overwhelmingly happy I couldn't stop laughing. I said I was LIKE Jesus to them, that I was pure and perfect and beauty incarnate, so they sectioned me under the mental health act. There I stayed for about a month (thank you for visiting me Ellie, Holly, and Stephy), and I met a boy called Adrian (both Adrians were/are 24, weird coincidence). He fell in love with me, but I'd already met Jordan, my current boyfriend, my everything, so I didn't return his feelings. At the time I thought I did, but it was just me clinging onto something I didn't want and couldn't have. He's actually back in hospital and still loves me just as much. Unfortunately I'm having to go back on Monday for another week before I'm free to leave. I've accidentally managed to make three boys fall in love with me in there, actually; Adrian, the lovely Alfie, and Matt.

This is the third time I've been into hospital in England. I also went in America because I took drugs and Jordan's parents wanted me to go. I was very out of it at the airport so, long story short, they and my mom sent me into a normal hospital where I proceeded to do silly things like take my clothes off. From there I was sent into another psychiatric hospital, which is where I met the lovely Gina Marsh, my wings, my halo. I love you, Gina. You helped me through so much and I owe my life and recovery, like Ellie, partly to you. Thank you, sweetie. I hope we're friends forever. Anyway, I was there for about two weeks, and then went home to England after my half brother from Pennsylvania, Timothy Harrier, came to save me, as well as my mom. Thank you, Tim, for being such an amazing brother and always being there for me. I love you, Timmy, Emma, and Kelly very much. I appreciate you visiting so much, it really helped me through.

I was in America because I went to meet Jordan for the second time, the first being at the end of October of last year. We met on a forum. Not a dating site or anything, just a general forum called gaiaonline.com. It was my refuge for a long time before and after I met him because I could post anything, say anything, and not really have anyone I know judge me for it. There I also met two boys. Sam from Chicago, and Brandon from texas. I fell in gaialove with both of them pretty much. I was planning on going to meet Sam, and it almost went through, but at the last minute I became more fucked up than before from Bernard Poolman calling me evil. But Jordan helped me so much. I met him around a month before I went into hospital the first time. I fell in love, real love, with him very quickly. He's unimaginably attractive, both his looks and his personality, and I can't imagine being with anyone else. He's angry with me at the moment from what happened in America, but I know he'll get over it. I lived there for two months with him, from Feb to April, and although I didn't have the best time, I only fell more deeply in love with him.

Before I left I told him all my secrets, exposed everything of myself to him, and he didn't like it. Who would? We're all ashamed of a lot of the things we've done, and I'm certainly no exception. But when I told him, I felt this rush of freedom, like I could do anything. So I kept telling him the truth, and because of that, I pushed him further away. While I was there, we had each other's hearts tattooed onto ourselves, his on my wrist and mine on his arm. I also have another tattoo on my other wrist that says freedom. I got it at the height of my entrapment, just so that I could look down at it and see everything I so badly wanted but could not have. To punish myself, to make myself suffer, like the dxm. I took that so I could bring out all my intense emotions and sort through them. It's cleansing; facing all your fears at once. You should try it. I'm doing it now with this status. Anyway, I'm very much in love with Jordan. I don't know what I'd do without him, and I sincerely hope I never need to find out.

Going back to hospital stuff, I ended up in there this time because I took dxm and got too happy. I remember sitting in a normal hospital waiting room, laughing so hard I was nearly crying, with everyone smiling at me. Life is amazing, really. All it takes to light a room is a smile, and to set it ablaze all you need is laughter. I like how they didn't seem to think: CRAZY PERSON, instead it was more like 'aw, look at that happy little girl'. I have a tendency of trying to take my clothes off when I'm too high and happy, but that only happens when I'm actually high; I don't know it's just the idea of clothes becomes silly. Why wear something when you could wear nothing and be free? Anyway, hospital. It sucks there. I just pace and smoke, but luckily I have Alfie, Matt, and Adrian. I do love Adrian, really. He was there for me when Jordan couldn't be. I wrote a notebook for Jordan in there and showed him because I trust him not to judge. He's a very sweet boy, but Alfie's the sweetest. I think we'll be extremely good friends forever. I also met John Pucil there, who was visiting Alfie, and I think he's lovely too.

The second time I went into hospital, I did dxm at a higher dose and decided to throw my belongings out my bedroom window. It was silly, I know, but that's what dxm does to you if you're not in the best place mentally. I remember screaming 'Sleepyhead' by Passion Pit's lyrics at the top of my lungs: 'they couldn't think of something to say the day you burst, with all their lions, with all their might and in all their thirst, they crowd your bedroom like some thoughts wearing thin, against the walls, against your rules against your skin'. It was fun. I felt so fucking free, so untouchable, so amazingly perfect. Like I do now, and will always. I still have my ups and downs, but generally I'm in a better place now than I've ever been, and I owe that to everyone who loves me. My parents are wonderful. They've had to put up with so much from me, seriously. Life at home when I was younger wasn't exactly great because my parents fought so much, but things are much better now.

The hospital didn't section me that time, however, which was good. I went after I got back from America the first time, where I met Jordan (I forgot to say his last name) at a hotel and stayed with him for a week. It was amazing. I feel hesitant towards talking about Jordan because I'm sad about him, but I'll try anyway. We clicked instantly. I knew we would. We're definitely soul mates. Right now his status is set to single, which breaks my heart. But it's fine, I know we'll get back together properly soon. I can't live without him. I'm so grateful for him. I love him so much. I feel bad for Alfie and Matt and Adrian because I know they love me a lot. It's like a battlefield at the hospital between them, ha. But they'll get over me, and we'll all always be friends. We were talking about going to Mallorca together which will be fun. My grandma owns a villa in a place near Palma, and I know we're welcome to stay there. It has a swimming pool and everything, yay.

Bernard Poolman calling me evil was like kicking an injured puppy. He made videos about me and everything. I haven't really gone into detail about how horrible the last couple of years were, but they weren't fun. I went onto his forum in July of 2010, so actually it was more like a year and a half of suffering, kind of on and off. When I took dxm everything became more intense so I could work through things quicker, but like all drugs nothing lasts, so I kept having to sort through my feelings. In America I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but if I have it then so does everyone else. Basically it's where your feelings fluctuate a lot, like you get manic and then manic depressive. Everyone has their ups and downs, mine were just a little more extreme. Bernard Poolman is actually a wonderful man, I think. He's just trying to save the world like me. Tbh I was very scared of him. I thought of him as so pure and kind, and then there was me: a selfish mess. But I've always tried to be good, and now I know I am.

Basically my message for you is to be grateful for everything you have. Never let anyone crush you, not for any reason. Because to let others crush you is to let you crush yourself. I invite anyone and everyone to be my friend. I don't care if you're white, black, skinny, fat, pretty, ugly, clever, stupid, nice, mean, happy, sad, good or evil. You're all the same; one person, one skin. Those are just definitions, something we feel we need to label others with, and that has to stop. We need to move towards a new world, one where everyone is loved and respected and can live a happy, worry-free, stable life. If you've had shit to deal with in your past, remember that only you can live for the present. I can try to help as much as possible, just as your loved ones can, but only you are able to move into something beyond what you have defined yourself as. Only you can change you.

There were probably some inaccuracies in what I've written because my memory isn't great, and I've left lots of important things and people out, but I'm content with what I've said. Now, I'm going to address specific people.

Jordan: you're my heart. I carried all the weight of the world for so long, but when I met you I felt lighter. You're my everything, absolutely everything, and without you I'd be dead. Or worse. I love you. So fucking much.

Bernard Poolman: you're wonderful. Thank you for making me suffer so that i could find the light. What you're doing is remarkable, and I wish you and Desteni all the best. I'd love to be your friend. I love you.

Mommy: you gave me life, gave me everything, and I'm so lucky to be your daughter. I'm so sorry you had to suffer with me through everything, but I'm also so grateful you have. I love you.

Daddy: I respect you more than any other man alive. Your work is amazing and the farm is beautiful. Thank you for being so understanding and patient with me. It can't be easy having such a beautiful fuck up for a daughter. I love you.

Ellie: you're my best friend and I don't know what I'd do without you. Thank you for staying by my side through everything, and I hope you know how much you mean to me. I love you.

Gina: you beautiful, beautiful girl. Thank you for helping me through while I was at my lowest. You really are my wings and halo, and I'm so thankful to have met such an angel like you. I love you.

Sam: you're like a pillar of strength for me and you don't even know it. You're the sweetest brother a girl could want, and I respect you a lot. I'm sorry we don't talk as much as we used to. I hope that will change. I love you.

Oli: you and I talk less than Sam and I, but you're still just as important to me. You have such a kind, gentle heart beneath your temper tantrums, and, like with Sam, I hope we start to become better friends. I love you.

Tim: you're a wonderful person, and Timmy and Emma are so lucky to have you as their dad, just like I'm so lucky to have you as my brother. I'm sorry for everything I put you through in America, but I'm so grateful you came to see me. I love you.

Luke: you're like a brother to me. I don't know what I'd do without you. You've helped me through so much over the last year. Thank you for being there for me, you gentle giant. I love you.

Alex R: I'm mentioning you so soon because I know we're going to be amazing friends. We clicked as soon as we started talking, and you're one of the loveliest people I've ever met. I love you.

Emi: I'm mentioning you early because of something you did for me in school. You sang 'She Will Be Loved' while I was sitting in English, and I was sure from that moment on you were and are an angel. Thank you. I love you.

Danica: You were my first best friend. I loved the Disney magic and our Little Mermaid, sleep catcher moments. Good luck with your career, you have a beautiful voice. I love you.

Louisa: you were my other first best friend, and next door neighbour, and you're a wonderful person. Thank you for being my friend, and I'm so sorry we haven't spoken more recently. I hope that changes. I love you.

Ashleigh: I'm so sorry for everything I've said to you. You really were important to me. I think of you very highly and I hope we can work things out. I wish you the best of luck with everything. I love you.

Bryony: thank you for being my friend when we were little. You seem like a lovely person and I wish you all the best and all the happiness in the world. I love you.

Chris: my first boyfriend. I know I scared you away with the messages, but I was overemotional and stuck in a horrible place. I do love you, but not as much as Jordan, and I hope we can be friends. I love you.

Aman: again, sorry about the messages. Mental hospitals don't do good things to your mind, and I apologise for what I said. I hope we can be friends. I love you.

Oscar: once again, sorry about the messages. Mental hospitals don't do good things to your mind, and I apologise for what I said. I hope we can be friends. I love you.

Callum: my second boyfriend. I love you a lot. Thank you for always seeing beauty in me when all I could see was ugliness. You pulled me through more than you know. You're gorgeous. I love you.

Steph: your name means crown, my crown of daisies. You're wonderful and I have all the love in the world for you. Thank you for always being so kind to me. You helped me more than you know. I can't wait for our South Park marathons. I love you.

Holly: your name means strength. You were my best friend for a long time, and I love spending time with you. You're a beautiful person with a beautiful heart, and all the strength I needed when I was sad. Thank you. I love you.

Ed A: I fell in love with you while I was suicidal, and your rejection made me worse. But the reason I fell in love with you was because of your heart. I can see you're a lovely person, and even though we don't know each other now, I hope we can be friends someday. I love you.

Will D: I'm mentioning you because of a memory that's stuck with me. You called me weird on the bus once. That was when I found myself. I thought, 'yeah I'm weird, and you're normal. I'm so lucky, ha, loser.' Regardless of this, you seem like a sweetheart, and I hope we can be friends. Don't ignore me again though. I love you.

Anna: you called me vindictive once, soon after telling me details from the last Harry Potter book. I broke my tooth at your sleepover and all you could do was cry and tell me I was ruining it. No; you ruined our relationship, along with yours and Ellie's, but you know what? I don't mind. I loved our little mushroom, the one we found and called Mulanna (mushroom lucy anna), and I think you're a very kind, sweet person. I hope we can be friends again soon. I love you.

Tom W: I'm mentioning you because you're silly. I tried to be your friend and you rejected me. Lots of times. I've always looked up to you and thought you were nice. And very very very clever (/strokes your ego). I hope you're happy and I hope we can still be friends. I love you.

Sam from Chicago: what can I say? You're amazing. So cute and funny and witty. There are no words for how much I miss you, and I hope your life is as amazing as mine is. I hope we'll find each other again, and I hope Sophie your kitty is good. I love you.

Brandon from Texas: I'm so sorry, my love. I know you felt the same as I did, but our egos got in the way, time and time again, and now all I feel when I think of you is love and guilt. I hope you're happy, you cock-sucking faggot. I love you.

Tilly and Roly: you're the best puppies a girl could ever have, and I love you.

Tweek: you're the best hamster a girl could ever have, and I love you.

Alice, Shady, Honey, Sarah, Fleur, Sazi, Toffee, Sherry: you're the best hamsters a girl could've ever wanted, and I love you.

Snowy: you're the best dove a girl could've ever wanted, and I love you.

Lloyd: I'm sorry for what my dad did, I'm sorry you're misunderstood by him. I think you're very kind and sweet, and I hope we can be good friends. I love you.

Austin T: you didn't believe I was a real person, but now I've proven it to you. I'll make you that sign soon. I love you.

Des: my other gaya friend. You really are a saint. I love you.

I think that's it. I'm bound to have left some people out. Know that I love you, I just have a bad memory, ha.

Now, I invite absolutely everyone to come to a massive summer party at my farm. No drugs, just lots of tents. I have a field outside my house, just beyond my front garden. I'm still unsure of the date but I'll let you know soon.

Remember that no matter how bad it gets, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how badly you want to die, you're alive. You have everything. You are everything. Let's build a new world. One where life is respected and lived.

I love all of you, especially Jordan. Please come to the summer thing, angel, I need you. I need all of you.
________

Obviously now things have changed. I no longer hold onto the hope that I'll get back together with Jordan. But I'll survive. I posted this so that Desteni could see the truth of me, and I'll keep posting until I've written myself to freedom.

I realise that 'beautiful words' are only 'beautiful words' regarding my messages to others, but I feel in some ways it's better to inspire than to .... idk, find fault? Anyway, thank you.