A lot's happened since I last wrote on these forums. I just wanted again to say how much I appreciate and respect Desteni, and all its members.
I was re-admitted into a psychiatric hospital where I had a lot of thinking to do. I started eating again, and now I'm not vegetarian anymore. I realise that in order to save the world I have to cleanse myself of all definitions, and I can't do that while I'm not eating. Maybe. Because I become all self-righteous and believe I'm better than others when I don't eat, and I don't want to ever feel that way.
My boyfriend of a year, Jordan, broke up with me recently. I realise now that I don't need a boy in my life to fill what I cannot give myself - and that's love. I now know that I'm able to give myself all the love in the world, and being engaged in a relationship isn't going to help me. I'd like someone's perspective on this, please - on relationships and whether one can sustain an emotional relationship while still walking their process. I've decided now that Desteni is the best thing that can and will happen to me, so I'm going to become as active I can on the forums. I have no secrets, nothing to hide. I made that blog public, and I posted this about two weeks ago on my facebook.
, read my description, and read this if you want to understand me.
I came to Facebook with the intention of helping others and inspiring them. I'm not insane, not weird, not insecure and definitely not looking for attention. Even though I'm happy now, I spent years being suicidally depressed, always seeking help but never finding it. I was depressed because of what people are doing to themselves, to animals, and to the Earth. I was also very suppressed. I had all this love in the form of pain that I couldn't get rid of, and I was tortured by it. Two and a half years ago, someone who I looked up to more than anyone called me evil. It killed me. For two whole years I felt nothing but sadness, shame, and pain. I couldn't look at myself. I couldn't eat anything. I couldn't sleep. All I did was cry, feel the pain, listen to music, and write.
I've managed to portray myself as a crazy person so far, so let me prove to you that isn't true. If you have judged me, forgive yourself like I forgive you. I'm so fucking misunderstood, and that's my fault. If I've added you, it's because either you go to or went to the downs school and I found you on suggested friends, you know me, or you're my friend. Either which way I hope we'll all be friends soon. I'm going to talk about various different people here, so if there's no link to them it's because they either ignored my friend request or blocked me. Do you know what it's like to be able to write anything and not feel ashamed for it after years of pain? It's like I'm a butterfly, finally broken from her cocoon, and I'm so fucking lucky I could cry. We're all so lucky, we just can't see it. I can though. I can see how much I have and will have, and I can't wait to get this published and finally go outside and enjoy myself. Go anywhere with anyone, do anything with anyone. I'm the luckiest, the most blessed, and for that I'm so grateful.
I'll start with the most relevant parts of my childhood. My first best friend was a girl called Danica Hunter. I used to go to her house all the time and we'd watch Disney movies like the Little Mermaid. I think that's what sparked my love for Disney; the amazing times I had with her. My next best friend was Ashleigh Evans. I'd go to her house like every other day and we'd play with frogs from her pond. She was lovely to me, and I really did look up to her so much. She was everything I wanted to be; beautiful, kind, sweet. It took me a long time to realise I was all of those things too. Then there was Bryony O'neil. I thought of her as my other best friend, and I'd go to her house lots too. I loved the sleepovers we had at hers, and I thought she was almost as lovely as Ashleigh. It's so freeing to type about your past. It makes you realise how lucky you were when you were a child. In year 5, I cried when my teacher killed a wasp. Then the boys in the year above threw dead bugs at me and Josh Booth called me a nature freak. I forgive you Josh, I know we were just silly little kids, and to be honest looking back now I'm grateful for what you said. It made me realise I WAS a nature freak, that I am a nature freak. I love nature and animals and people so much I must be.
I first took dxm about a year and a half ago. It's the most amazing thing in the world for me now (not that I'm still doing it or going to do it), but it wasn't at the time. My first proper experience was horrible. It was like I was literally in hell. If I'd been sober I could've handled it, but high… I just laid in my bed, not wanting to move because everything was swimming and contorting. The effects lasted over a day, and eventually when I came down I still just laid in bed, not wanting to move. Then I took more about a week later, when I'd calmed down a little, and things shifted. The effects were bad at first, but then I started to force myself to be rational and think clearly. Basically, dxm intensifies everything, especially at a higher dose, so however you're feeling will multiply. If you're happy, you'll be so happy you don't know what to do with yourself, if you're sad you're fucked if you take higher doses. At low doses, it acts like ecstasy almost, giving you a euphoria feeling. There are four plateaus. The first, at around 100-200mg, depending on your weight, will just make you high and happy. The second, at around 300-400mg will make you feel stoned and drunk at the same time with little to no sluggishness. The third, at around 500-700mg, will put you into a moderately dissociative state, contorting your senses and making things unclear. The fourth, at 800+mg, will put you into a fully dissociative state, making you drift in and out of conscious awareness for hours and hours.
I'm sorry if I've given any misinformation about this drug, I'm not trying to inform you for your own use, I'm just telling you of my own experiences with it.
The reason I went to hell when I took that drug was because my mind was already there, it just brought the experience out in me. Like I said earlier, about two and a half years ago a man from an organisation I idolised the most called me evil. I was very mixed up when I found them, and I posted silly things I shouldn't have. Things like everyone needs to change, everyone's evil, everyone's fucked up. I don't believe that anymore, really; I believe that you're all perfect, you just need to realise it. But that man, Bernard Poolman, fucked me up so bad without even meaning to that I spent two years being unable to even look at anything without believing I was corrupting it. That happened after I got out of school. I left after spending 6 weeks in sixth form, giving up early because I couldn't handle A levels in the mindset I was in.
I want to look back and say I liked school, that it was a safe place away from my family, but if I said that I'd by lying. In some ways school was worse than home because I felt even more lost and confused there. After losing Ashleigh, Bryony, and my other friends to a silly lie someone told about me, I found Sophie Thompson, and we became really good friends. Although I appreciated her, I wasn't content with her. It wasn't her fault, it was mine. So when she left I became friends with Milly Gough, and from her became best friends with Holly Kettlewell, Steph Brown, Anna Lewis, and Emma Daniel, and would be friends with them until I left school. I haven't talked to Anna or Emma recently, but Steph and Holly are lovely. I still think of them as two of my best friends. The most important person to me, however, is the amazing Ellie Wood, who has stuck by me through thick and thin and I owe my life and recovery partly to her. Ellie didn't get on too well with Anna, so in year 11 (I believe it was) they fell out and Ellie tried to distance herself from me. It killed me because I thought she was mad at me, and I really do love her so much. But then we sorted things out, and now we're best friends again.
Ashleigh gave me a letter in year 8 that I cherished for a long time and was devastated when I lost it. Ashleigh, I'm sorry for everything that happened between us, you deserved better than me losing it with you and saying all those horrible things. I know you said it'd be better if we didn't talk, but I really do think we'd get on well. Perhaps after you've read this, if you do, we could talk things out and maybe meet up? And play with froggies?
I heard about what happened with your parents and I'm so sorry. I hope things are better for you now. I hope you and Sophie are happy, and I hope your parents are happy also. Bryony, I remember being in either History or something like it just after we'd broken up our friendship and you moving your chair really far away from me and not looking at me. I remember you, Ashleigh, Ellie Bunn (my other friend from primary school) and Charlotte Oldroyd running away from me, saying you didn't want to be friends with me anymore. Well, I forgive you and Ellie and Charlotte, and I still think you're all lovely. I loved seeing you and Emi Sissons in town that one time when I was with a random guy. It made me extra happy when you hugged me, and I hope you're doing well.
That random guy was Adrian. I don't know his last name, but I met him at the end of year 13 meet up in Newbury. He asked me for my number and on a whim I gave it to him above all the others who had asked (not bragging just saying lol). I had such an amazing night. It was the first time I'd really gone out and had fun without being depressed, and I loved seeing everyone again, and being able to be my new, happier self. This was just after I got out of hospital the first time, but I'll go into more detail about that later. In year 7, I fell in year7love with a boy called Chris Abbott.
Ashleigh went out with him before I did, and I believe I was the one who asked him out when they broke up. I kept a diary from when I was little and read it recently. I was so happy I got to go out with him, that all the girls were jealous of me, that he chose me over everyone else. I remember just after he'd agreed to go out with me, I was walking with him, Ricky Prior, and Bryony to geography and when they left he asked me to hold his hand. I said 'no it's too soon,' and he walked ahead of me. Haa. I recently sent him a message and he blocked me because I was being silly. I was still kind of overemotional and said all these things I didn't really mean. I said I still loved him and wanted to be with him, and then I commented on his photos saying things like 'fuck off he's fucking perfect'. I'd have blocked me too tbh.
I had a crush on a few boys at school. I think my biggest was Chris, but I also liked Aman Shah and Oscar Roper lots, as well as Ed Ardil. I pretty much fell in love with Ed in year 10. I remember not being able to breathe when he was near me, and I blushed like crazy when I sat near him. I was such a loser lmao. An adorable loser. I liked seeing Aman and Oscar at the end of year 13 Newbury thing, especially Aman. So I stayed with him lots of the night, and then a few days later someone told me people were saying we slept together. We didn't. I'd like to be friends with Aman and Oscar and Ed and Jake but I think I scared them away with my recent messages. Again, I was still overemotional, and I didn't mean to say what I did. Hospital does those things to you. I swear, if you're not crazy before you go in, you will be while you're in there. So I apologise to everyone for how I portrayed myself. I'm sorry for coming across like a crazy lunatic, sorry for being stupid and saying silly things.
I went into hospital the first time because the second time I took dxm I became really really angry. I posted mean, scary things on Facebook because I was so high and lost and sad. I didn't mean to upset anyone, didn't mean to push people away, but I did, and I've had to pay the price since. About half of you didn't see what I posted, so that's good, but anyone who read it would tell you I wasn't in a good place. So I lost it, smashed my neighbour's window, cried and cried, and got taken into hospital. There, I calmed down and was taken to a mental hospital to be assessed. After all those years of pain and anger boiling over, I felt free and so overwhelmingly happy I couldn't stop laughing. I said I was LIKE Jesus to them, that I was pure and perfect and beauty incarnate, so they sectioned me under the mental health act. There I stayed for about a month (thank you for visiting me Ellie, Holly, and Stephy), and I met a boy called Adrian (both Adrians were/are 24, weird coincidence). He fell in love with me, but I'd already met Jordan, my current boyfriend, my everything, so I didn't return his feelings. At the time I thought I did, but it was just me clinging onto something I didn't want and couldn't have. He's actually back in hospital and still loves me just as much. Unfortunately I'm having to go back on Monday for another week before I'm free to leave. I've accidentally managed to make three boys fall in love with me in there, actually; Adrian, the lovely Alfie, and Matt.
This is the third time I've been into hospital in England. I also went in America because I took drugs and Jordan's parents wanted me to go. I was very out of it at the airport so, long story short, they and my mom sent me into a normal hospital where I proceeded to do silly things like take my clothes off. From there I was sent into another psychiatric hospital, which is where I met the lovely Gina Marsh, my wings, my halo. I love you, Gina. You helped me through so much and I owe my life and recovery, like Ellie, partly to you. Thank you, sweetie. I hope we're friends forever. Anyway, I was there for about two weeks, and then went home to England after my half brother from Pennsylvania, Timothy Harrier, came to save me, as well as my mom. Thank you, Tim, for being such an amazing brother and always being there for me. I love you, Timmy, Emma, and Kelly very much. I appreciate you visiting so much, it really helped me through.
I was in America because I went to meet Jordan for the second time, the first being at the end of October of last year. We met on a forum. Not a dating site or anything, just a general forum called gaiaonline.com. It was my refuge for a long time before and after I met him because I could post anything, say anything, and not really have anyone I know judge me for it. There I also met two boys. Sam from Chicago, and Brandon from texas. I fell in gaialove with both of them pretty much. I was planning on going to meet Sam, and it almost went through, but at the last minute I became more fucked up than before from Bernard Poolman calling me evil. But Jordan helped me so much. I met him around a month before I went into hospital the first time. I fell in love, real love, with him very quickly. He's unimaginably attractive, both his looks and his personality, and I can't imagine being with anyone else. He's angry with me at the moment from what happened in America, but I know he'll get over it. I lived there for two months with him, from Feb to April, and although I didn't have the best time, I only fell more deeply in love with him.
Before I left I told him all my secrets, exposed everything of myself to him, and he didn't like it. Who would? We're all ashamed of a lot of the things we've done, and I'm certainly no exception. But when I told him, I felt this rush of freedom, like I could do anything. So I kept telling him the truth, and because of that, I pushed him further away. While I was there, we had each other's hearts tattooed onto ourselves, his on my wrist and mine on his arm. I also have another tattoo on my other wrist that says freedom. I got it at the height of my entrapment, just so that I could look down at it and see everything I so badly wanted but could not have. To punish myself, to make myself suffer, like the dxm. I took that so I could bring out all my intense emotions and sort through them. It's cleansing; facing all your fears at once. You should try it. I'm doing it now with this status. Anyway, I'm very much in love with Jordan. I don't know what I'd do without him, and I sincerely hope I never need to find out.
Going back to hospital stuff, I ended up in there this time because I took dxm and got too happy. I remember sitting in a normal hospital waiting room, laughing so hard I was nearly crying, with everyone smiling at me. Life is amazing, really. All it takes to light a room is a smile, and to set it ablaze all you need is laughter. I like how they didn't seem to think: CRAZY PERSON, instead it was more like 'aw, look at that happy little girl'. I have a tendency of trying to take my clothes off when I'm too high and happy, but that only happens when I'm actually high; I don't know it's just the idea of clothes becomes silly. Why wear something when you could wear nothing and be free? Anyway, hospital. It sucks there. I just pace and smoke, but luckily I have Alfie, Matt, and Adrian. I do love Adrian, really. He was there for me when Jordan couldn't be. I wrote a notebook for Jordan in there and showed him because I trust him not to judge. He's a very sweet boy, but Alfie's the sweetest. I think we'll be extremely good friends forever. I also met John Pucil there, who was visiting Alfie, and I think he's lovely too.
The second time I went into hospital, I did dxm at a higher dose and decided to throw my belongings out my bedroom window. It was silly, I know, but that's what dxm does to you if you're not in the best place mentally. I remember screaming 'Sleepyhead' by Passion Pit's lyrics at the top of my lungs: 'they couldn't think of something to say the day you burst, with all their lions, with all their might and in all their thirst, they crowd your bedroom like some thoughts wearing thin, against the walls, against your rules against your skin'. It was fun. I felt so fucking free, so untouchable, so amazingly perfect. Like I do now, and will always. I still have my ups and downs, but generally I'm in a better place now than I've ever been, and I owe that to everyone who loves me. My parents are wonderful. They've had to put up with so much from me, seriously. Life at home when I was younger wasn't exactly great because my parents fought so much, but things are much better now.
The hospital didn't section me that time, however, which was good. I went after I got back from America the first time, where I met Jordan (I forgot to say his last name) at a hotel and stayed with him for a week. It was amazing. I feel hesitant towards talking about Jordan because I'm sad about him, but I'll try anyway. We clicked instantly. I knew we would. We're definitely soul mates. Right now his status is set to single, which breaks my heart. But it's fine, I know we'll get back together properly soon. I can't live without him. I'm so grateful for him. I love him so much. I feel bad for Alfie and Matt and Adrian because I know they love me a lot. It's like a battlefield at the hospital between them, ha. But they'll get over me, and we'll all always be friends. We were talking about going to Mallorca together which will be fun. My grandma owns a villa in a place near Palma, and I know we're welcome to stay there. It has a swimming pool and everything, yay.
Bernard Poolman calling me evil was like kicking an injured puppy. He made videos about me and everything. I haven't really gone into detail about how horrible the last couple of years were, but they weren't fun. I went onto his forum in July of 2010, so actually it was more like a year and a half of suffering, kind of on and off. When I took dxm everything became more intense so I could work through things quicker, but like all drugs nothing lasts, so I kept having to sort through my feelings. In America I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but if I have it then so does everyone else. Basically it's where your feelings fluctuate a lot, like you get manic and then manic depressive. Everyone has their ups and downs, mine were just a little more extreme. Bernard Poolman is actually a wonderful man, I think. He's just trying to save the world like me. Tbh I was very scared of him. I thought of him as so pure and kind, and then there was me: a selfish mess. But I've always tried to be good, and now I know I am.
Basically my message for you is to be grateful for everything you have. Never let anyone crush you, not for any reason. Because to let others crush you is to let you crush yourself. I invite anyone and everyone to be my friend. I don't care if you're white, black, skinny, fat, pretty, ugly, clever, stupid, nice, mean, happy, sad, good or evil. You're all the same; one person, one skin. Those are just definitions, something we feel we need to label others with, and that has to stop. We need to move towards a new world, one where everyone is loved and respected and can live a happy, worry-free, stable life. If you've had shit to deal with in your past, remember that only you can live for the present. I can try to help as much as possible, just as your loved ones can, but only you are able to move into something beyond what you have defined yourself as. Only you can change you.
There were probably some inaccuracies in what I've written because my memory isn't great, and I've left lots of important things and people out, but I'm content with what I've said. Now, I'm going to address specific people.
Jordan: you're my heart. I carried all the weight of the world for so long, but when I met you I felt lighter. You're my everything, absolutely everything, and without you I'd be dead. Or worse. I love you. So fucking much.
Bernard Poolman: you're wonderful. Thank you for making me suffer so that i could find the light. What you're doing is remarkable, and I wish you and Desteni all the best. I'd love to be your friend. I love you.
Mommy: you gave me life, gave me everything, and I'm so lucky to be your daughter. I'm so sorry you had to suffer with me through everything, but I'm also so grateful you have. I love you.
Daddy: I respect you more than any other man alive. Your work is amazing and the farm is beautiful. Thank you for being so understanding and patient with me. It can't be easy having such a beautiful fuck up for a daughter. I love you.
Ellie: you're my best friend and I don't know what I'd do without you. Thank you for staying by my side through everything, and I hope you know how much you mean to me. I love you.
Gina: you beautiful, beautiful girl. Thank you for helping me through while I was at my lowest. You really are my wings and halo, and I'm so thankful to have met such an angel like you. I love you.
Sam: you're like a pillar of strength for me and you don't even know it. You're the sweetest brother a girl could want, and I respect you a lot. I'm sorry we don't talk as much as we used to. I hope that will change. I love you.
Oli: you and I talk less than Sam and I, but you're still just as important to me. You have such a kind, gentle heart beneath your temper tantrums, and, like with Sam, I hope we start to become better friends. I love you.
Tim: you're a wonderful person, and Timmy and Emma are so lucky to have you as their dad, just like I'm so lucky to have you as my brother. I'm sorry for everything I put you through in America, but I'm so grateful you came to see me. I love you.
Luke: you're like a brother to me. I don't know what I'd do without you. You've helped me through so much over the last year. Thank you for being there for me, you gentle giant. I love you.
Alex R: I'm mentioning you so soon because I know we're going to be amazing friends. We clicked as soon as we started talking, and you're one of the loveliest people I've ever met. I love you.
Emi: I'm mentioning you early because of something you did for me in school. You sang 'She Will Be Loved' while I was sitting in English, and I was sure from that moment on you were and are an angel. Thank you. I love you.
Danica: You were my first best friend. I loved the Disney magic and our Little Mermaid, sleep catcher moments. Good luck with your career, you have a beautiful voice. I love you.
Louisa: you were my other first best friend, and next door neighbour, and you're a wonderful person. Thank you for being my friend, and I'm so sorry we haven't spoken more recently. I hope that changes. I love you.
Ashleigh: I'm so sorry for everything I've said to you. You really were important to me. I think of you very highly and I hope we can work things out. I wish you the best of luck with everything. I love you.
Bryony: thank you for being my friend when we were little. You seem like a lovely person and I wish you all the best and all the happiness in the world. I love you.
Chris: my first boyfriend. I know I scared you away with the messages, but I was overemotional and stuck in a horrible place. I do love you, but not as much as Jordan, and I hope we can be friends. I love you.
Aman: again, sorry about the messages. Mental hospitals don't do good things to your mind, and I apologise for what I said. I hope we can be friends. I love you.
Oscar: once again, sorry about the messages. Mental hospitals don't do good things to your mind, and I apologise for what I said. I hope we can be friends. I love you.
Callum: my second boyfriend. I love you a lot. Thank you for always seeing beauty in me when all I could see was ugliness. You pulled me through more than you know. You're gorgeous. I love you.
Steph: your name means crown, my crown of daisies. You're wonderful and I have all the love in the world for you. Thank you for always being so kind to me. You helped me more than you know. I can't wait for our South Park marathons. I love you.
Holly: your name means strength. You were my best friend for a long time, and I love spending time with you. You're a beautiful person with a beautiful heart, and all the strength I needed when I was sad. Thank you. I love you.
Ed A: I fell in love with you while I was suicidal, and your rejection made me worse. But the reason I fell in love with you was because of your heart. I can see you're a lovely person, and even though we don't know each other now, I hope we can be friends someday. I love you.
Will D: I'm mentioning you because of a memory that's stuck with me. You called me weird on the bus once. That was when I found myself. I thought, 'yeah I'm weird, and you're normal. I'm so lucky, ha, loser.' Regardless of this, you seem like a sweetheart, and I hope we can be friends. Don't ignore me again though. I love you.
Anna: you called me vindictive once, soon after telling me details from the last Harry Potter book. I broke my tooth at your sleepover and all you could do was cry and tell me I was ruining it. No; you ruined our relationship, along with yours and Ellie's, but you know what? I don't mind. I loved our little mushroom, the one we found and called Mulanna (mushroom lucy anna), and I think you're a very kind, sweet person. I hope we can be friends again soon. I love you.
Tom W: I'm mentioning you because you're silly. I tried to be your friend and you rejected me. Lots of times. I've always looked up to you and thought you were nice. And very very very clever (/strokes your ego). I hope you're happy and I hope we can still be friends. I love you.
Sam from Chicago: what can I say? You're amazing. So cute and funny and witty. There are no words for how much I miss you, and I hope your life is as amazing as mine is. I hope we'll find each other again, and I hope Sophie your kitty is good. I love you.
Brandon from Texas: I'm so sorry, my love. I know you felt the same as I did, but our egos got in the way, time and time again, and now all I feel when I think of you is love and guilt. I hope you're happy, you cock-sucking faggot. I love you.
Tilly and Roly: you're the best puppies a girl could ever have, and I love you.
Tweek: you're the best hamster a girl could ever have, and I love you.
Alice, Shady, Honey, Sarah, Fleur, Sazi, Toffee, Sherry: you're the best hamsters a girl could've ever wanted, and I love you.
Snowy: you're the best dove a girl could've ever wanted, and I love you.
Lloyd: I'm sorry for what my dad did, I'm sorry you're misunderstood by him. I think you're very kind and sweet, and I hope we can be good friends. I love you.
Austin T: you didn't believe I was a real person, but now I've proven it to you. I'll make you that sign soon. I love you.
Des: my other gaya friend. You really are a saint. I love you.
I think that's it. I'm bound to have left some people out. Know that I love you, I just have a bad memory, ha.
Now, I invite absolutely everyone to come to a massive summer party at my farm. No drugs, just lots of tents. I have a field outside my house, just beyond my front garden. I'm still unsure of the date but I'll let you know soon.
Remember that no matter how bad it gets, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how badly you want to die, you're alive. You have everything. You are everything. Let's build a new world. One where life is respected and lived.
I love all of you, especially Jordan. Please come to the summer thing, angel, I need you. I need all of you.
Obviously now things have changed. I no longer hold onto the hope that I'll get back together with Jordan. But I'll survive. I posted this so that Desteni could see the truth of me, and I'll keep posting until I've written myself to freedom.
I realise that 'beautiful words' are only 'beautiful words' regarding my messages to others, but I feel in some ways it's better to inspire than to .... idk, find fault? Anyway, thank you.