First of all, welcome to the forum. If you see that you would like to write in spanish, you can also participate in the Spanish Forum.
Let's walk the points:
Arnold wrote:I started watching the desteni videos since march 2010 and started my process since january 2011.
Ok, you will probably laugh and say that i'm crazy, on drugs or something like that. But I want to explain what happened to me since I started my process (i'm sorry for the bad english).
I started with a lot of discipline in this process, so much that I managed to breathe 21 days to create a habit. I started writting myself a lot also, but I didn't have an overview or complete understanding about my mind, I just took a bunch of random points everyday and I apply self forgiveness on them. It's not that I wasn't aware of what I was doing or the extreme bullshit that this was going to manifest in my life, but I never did something like this, I thought it was normal.
Breathing is the point of physical stability – so in ‘making a habit’ out of it is like saying that now you have made of eating a ‘habit’ – it’s simply being aware of us breathing which is the point of 21 days and even that, it is just the very first point to take on when it comes to walking process, the kickstart wherein you start realizing: I am here as I am breathing physically.
Realize that no one has a ‘complete understanding of the mind’ here, we are all walking the process of getting to know who we are as our mind, as that’s essentially the first phase of this process wherein wanting to know ‘how it works’ before hand would be skipping the actual process that is walked here. So, see how the point of not participating at the forums leads to continuing a belief of what we are doing is ‘alright’ within process and it is certainly Not suggested for anyone that is currently walking process alone and not have at least another person as a point of cross-referencing the process – why? Because it is very easy for us to create ideas of us being ‘alright’ and ‘doing great’ in process, when in fact what you were most likely busy creating is just another personality of the mind, as energy. So if you mean that through and because of applying Self Forgiveness you manifested extreme bullshit : understand that it is Not because of Self-Forgiveness at all, it’s about you walking the consequences that you have already manifested for you in your reality. Self Forgiveness doesn’t create any positive or negative experience, it is simply a tool wherein you take Self Responsibility for how you have created your mind and how you have participated in your reality with/as your mind, which is then walking the process of facing the effects as consequences that you created and manifested in your own process. Thus Self Responsibility is recognized through Self Forgiveness – then you walk the necessary Self Corrective Application – if the latter point Is skipped, know that you only created an idea of Self Forgiveness being able to remove consequences, and that is certainly not so in fact, as it is not a magic wand in any way whatsoever.
I don't know if I was really confused with the desteni material but every time I saw things going extremely bad I just believed I was bad in this process, I thought I needed to breathe more, write more and see more videos.
Again, a point of reference for anyone that might be silently ‘walking their process’ without coming to the forums to cross-reference writings and get the assistance and support to make sure we are not deluding/ deceiving ourselves is most certainly going to lead to confusion. Why? Because none of us has ever walked this process and doing it alone is like getting yourself blindfolded into the maze – I can speak for myself how if it wasn’t for the forums I would have gone absolutely mad the first week I ever got to watch the Desteni material. This is Why we are always reiterating the importance of coming to the forums to participate – anything ‘bad’ was not manifested out of ‘walking process’ obviously, it was just you facing what you had already created for yourself – see if you had formed any belief of Self-Forgiveness being something ‘good’ that you’re doing or where you could ‘erase the consequences’ which is how you formed a belief of you walking process having any ‘negative effect’ on your life, without realizing that this process is not to pump up our lives and make it all jolly – nope, it’s actually us becoming fully aware that there is no way to escape facing our consequences, which is not good or bad, it just is what we created for ourselves.
I created kind of like an illusion of my process until now even though I faced many, many situations. Because I believed I only had to breathe trhow every limitation, fears and not participate anymore in emotions and feelings. I had a strongly motivation that when I finally stopped my mind I was going to be more effective in my life.
Understand that You didn’t stop your mind – stopping the mind is not shoving away all thoughts and going into a master-like silence. No, absolutely not and this has been explained several, several times throughout the material which can also be an indication that walking process ‘full on’ without keeping yourself up to date and/ or coming to the forum to ASK whenever something is not clear can only create further consequences for you to walk due to not having the initiative to participate here. Obviously process can become an illusion and you can certainly easily create a ‘personality in process’ wherein you believe yourself to ‘overcome the mind’ which is in fact another added-layer of separation because it is stemming not from having actually walked the mind through the necessary time and space that this process implies, but simply created an idea of ‘I only have to breathe through thinking and limitations’ without actually understanding HOW you created such thoughts, patterns and habits as yourself – which is what this process is about. Even if you ever get to actually stop your mind: you’re Not just ‘done’ at all, it would only mean the beginning in fact. There is nothing that can be ‘free’ until ALL are free and if you would have in any way actually ‘stopped your mind,’ you would not be existing in such confusions as you are at the moment and you would be equally here with everything and everyone in existence – highly unlikely. Hence, back on Earth and going back to the very basics
I stopped completely my emotions and feelings, I freaked out when I realized that I could't generate any emotion or feeling, that was 2 months ago. But I lied to myself and tought it was normal because I've been directing myself physically all this time, doing everything physically, even when I speak. I created a lot of self trust, so much that I don't experiencie any fear at all, I see that everything is open for me to go and do. But I see that I'm not myself, so I don't have any motivation to do anything but to understand that I'm useless. That I completely fucked my process and there's no way out. I walk in the street and I experience no fear, or judgement or any thought whatsoever, no distraction, just cero, nothing.
See, even your words imply that there is no actual understanding of it as this is not about becoming absolutely ‘empty’ and just ‘being here physically’ – no, that silence is easily created and has been explained in detail lately by Anu in interviews how easy it is to think that stopping thoughts is just having an ‘empty mind’ however, ask yourself how long does it last? It indicates that it was never real and al that you were doing is shoving away all the reactions and deliberately ignoring them without walking the actual process of writing to get to know who you are as your mind, how you created it.
The very words of ‘creating self trust’ imply separation, as it was then just another ‘creation’ in fact, separate from you as another energy-based personality wherein everything is apparently ‘alright’in your reality, while missing the very key-point of this process: it is not about ‘how you feel’ and experience yourself, it is about understanding creation, creating and Who You Are within such equation to take Self Responsibility in your reality. Seeing ‘no motivation’ implies that you were obviously only seeking to be motivated by energy to move = it was never an actual process of you becoming self directive – otherwise self-movement as the will of the realization of who I really am would have been walked and lived as self- no separation. Seeing ‘no motivation’ implies still seeking motivation = you are still existing as a regular being that awaits for something to move or entice/ instigate movement by energy – another proof that any idea/ belief of you stopping your mind was in fact never actually so, at all, but another mind-shift as a personality to create the Idea and ‘experience’ of ‘you stopping the mind’ which is no different to how gurus/ masters wherein ‘there is nothing’ apparently in their minds, while MISSING OUT the Entirety of who they really are as this entire world/ reality and existence! I mean if nothing ‘moves you’ to actually become an actual solution to this world and within that taking a point in your reality to get yourself into a position wherein you can become an actual part of the solution in the system = know that you missed a pivotal point in your process : it’s not about you getting to ‘feel nothing’ but become the actual living principle that immediately becomes part of the necessary practical solutions that must be walked in this world.
Once you understand what this process entails, you realize it's not about only ‘stopping the mind’ and becoming ‘enlightened,’ it is about working with a group of people, walking together to cross reference our process, supporting ourselves, sharing your writings, proving to yourself that you are in fact walking with as part of this process which even if you would not have shared it here at the forums, would reveal in you actually grasping the necessary steps to direct yourself to then take your process to the next level. But for now, all I can suggest is: get back to the basics, start here sharing at the forum to now make sure no further misunderstanding is created.
Yesterday, I went to school but I realized that a lot of people fear me. They cannot believe I'm so confident while a year ago I was the opposite. They know I'm a completely different person and don't want to talk to me anymore, I wanted to talk to them but I realized there's no point in doing that, we have nothing in common now, I'm just a nobody, a dead awareness.
That is you missing out a basic aspect of the mind: everything that you project onto others is in fact you yourself, hence it’s not real, it’s you creating such judgment – same with ‘confidence’ which can become a personality in itself, wherein all the opposite as fear is simply now covered up with this ‘newly built confidence’ that is still existing as a personality/ ego – why? Because confidence is you trusting yourself as life and everything that you’ve shared indicates that the process has only been walked as a concept and ideal of you attaining/ getting somewhere with it when in fact, it’s quite the opposite as it is you getting back to yourself.
You believing that ‘you have nothing in common’ with fellow human beings is plain separation and rather egotistical arrogance – it simply implies that you didn’t get the message right, you might have not followed through the material and only ‘jumped into process’ having expected something miraculous to happen out of it – there is Nothing magical or miraculous about it.
In january 2012 it felt how my mind dissapeared and I experienced my death, I see that there's no way I can get my mind back and i'm just contemplating suicide, at least there's a way to get myself out of this nightmare.
That is you victimizing yourself by your self created nightmare. Why? There is no such thing as you having lost your mind, you cannot exist without your mind – this only implies that you probably only watched a few videos and decided to ‘get into process’ with some aloof idea about it. You are walking the consequences of not having come here to cross-reference your process at the least doubt on your walking, see and realize that it can only be ego that believed that ‘process can be walked alone,’ in no way can that ever be so, at all. All that you have experienced is Ideas of ‘you in process’ and ‘death’ and creating your own mind demons that are now here reminding you that you created it all for yourself – there is certainly No way you can get yourself out of it, not committing suicide, not dying, not even wanting to exterminate this entire existence is possible – and there are several videos in spanish and English that explain why committing suicide is plain stupidity and victimization that explains how in any way you could have actually ‘stopped your mind’ otherwise you would not be having any single thought about committing suicide and/ or experiencing all of the confusion that you have shared here. Realize that you have created quite a great mindfuck within all of this, and see how this is mostly because of you creating an IDEA of process instead of living it – and for that also not having shared here only perpetuated the mindfuck until this point here.
I don't know what to say about that, i'm going to leave school because it's going to get worse than this. I can't believe I'm so calm while writting this.
Leaving school is plain abdication of self responsibility – you have not heard a single word in terms of Self Responsibility and walking the practical process to become part of a solution to this world. Seems you only heard what You thought would make you ‘more’ somehow, which has now turned into a self-created fuckup that you must now sort out for yourself – the tools are the same however absolute Self-Honesty must be cross-referenced through writings here.
So I finally understood that i'm not my mind, now what?, I watch videos on the internet and I experience no joy, I can't see pictures anymore, everything is physical, it's bored, useless, emotionless, limited. I can't blame you because I'm the only one that understood desteni wrong. I did this to myself, I'm totally aware.
Actually you got it all in reverse: You Are Your Mind, absolutely and completely – the point of this process is getting to know your mind and in that, walk the actual written proven process of Self Forgiveness, Self Corrective application and sharing as you go to ensure you do not mindfuck yourself again with conceptualizing process in beliefs of attaining or getting somewhere else but here. No one said this was going to be a blissful experience, again: you created your own idea of this process being in anyway leading you to some ‘greater experience,’ suggestion is to walk all of the beliefs you’ve created throughout this time with regards to process to start all over again ensuring No beliefs are held about ‘you’ and ‘process’ other than the sheer application of the tools by yourself, with proper assistance and support that Is always here.
There are still thoughts coming to me, but they are not conciouss, I can't see them or experiencie them.
note: I'm sorry that I can't give more detail or insight about this, you will probably not answer this, because you will understand that I fucked everything.
Of course there are still thoughts, and your entire mind won’t ever go away, it is you and this process is about you standing one and equal as your mind which is the entire process that will take at least 7 years to being grasping what self-creation in fact is.
So – before going into further victimization and self-recrimination STOP all and any beliefs you’ve created about you in this process and give yourself the opportunity to start anew, walking an actual cross-referenced process of writings that you share here or in spanish to then see and understand what being part of this process implies which is absolute Self Responsibility and moving you to become part of the solution in the world, which won’t come as a ‘desire’ or an energetic move to do so, it will be moved by you understanding that must be done in this reality.
You have certainly created quite a series of experiences that are here to be faced – there’s no going back and all that you can do is begin your process ensuring that you have cleared up all ideas about ‘you walking process’ first to ensure you are not experiencing/ desiring/ wanting something in particular to ‘manifest in your life’ as a result of walking this process – no magic wands here.
So, let us know if this is clear enough for you to understand what this process is about.
As a result of this, what I can see is that whenever we try and walk our process ‘alone’ without participating/ sharing and cross referencing our process with others, it is most likely that we will ‘screw ourselves up’ by creating a Belief and Idea of ‘Being in Process’ wherein because the only point of reference is ‘ourselves,’ we can easily create a new personality based on that which we see is what’s ‘supposed to happen’ when you stop your mind, which we can know in your case cannot be and it’s all been just another personality created by you believing that you are now ‘better’ and someone ‘different’ which is not about that in such case, it is about understanding your point of creation as your own mind - which is You in all ways – and in that, walk a lengthy in detail process to walk your mind through the process of Self Forgiveness in Self-Honesty and share it.
Please read the Forum Guidelines
to ensure you are aware of what the participation in this forum entails, as well as then opening up your own thread at Writing Yourself to Freedom
to start sharing yours when you're ready to do so.