Since I have "come out" with how I have been feeling about my partner for the past eight or nine years, I have "come out" of a lot of self -created troubles.
I have always "loved" and cared for my partner, yet of course the feelings of love have faded on and off, and the passion was pretty much non -existant due to our troubles, my troubles, both of us keeping secrets, his about his addiction to porn and mine about me not feeling trust and comfort in his arms. Funny how such a "great" relationship can turn so sour. I have learned that what we thought we had in the beginning was a big energy addiction, and when the energy high became barracaded by life situations, dissapointments, and secrets, the energy addiction suffered, and therefore the energy - fueled relationship suffered as well.
There were many occasions, MANY, in fact most of the time that I tried to have a conversation with him, that my partner ignored me and would pretend to hear what I was saying with a generic response, as if he could fool me. When I told him I knew he hadn't heard a thing I said, he would respond angrily with me, as if I was waisting his time. The message I recieved from him was that I was not important to him, and that piled up on top of his porn addiction, and among other instances of disrespect and neglagence, is what made me not interested in sleeping with him.
I became so non-trusting, and non-welcoming of my partner in bed that I would tighten up and my delicate vaginal skin would tear when engaging in intercourse. I felt that I needed to try and bring back what we once had, yet I couldn't get past what had happened between us, what I felt he did to me, and had a hard time telling him that I had lost interest in him sexually.
It wasn't until I acted on my non-interest in my partner by kissing another man, and telling him about it, that I felt free of all I had been holding back for so many years. He finally knew, and we now had a chance to start fresh.
After a peried of uncertainty, (should we divorce, should we keep trying to make this work?), after discussing not being eachother's property, allowing eachother to do what we feel we need to do, we are now turning a new leaf, starting fresh. We had decided on an "open marriage", because we thought it would be best to not divorce, yet we wanted to give eachother freedom. Those words "open marriage" were magic words to each of us. They were scary as we both didn't want to share what we felt we owned -eachother, and those words were exciting, as we felt the freedom to do what we pleased since we were not getting fufilled in our marriage.
Most intersesting though is that as soon as we had agreed apon the "open marriage", neither one of us chose to go through with it, with sleeping with another. The shackles have been broken, we are free, yet we don't want to run, we chose to stay, unshackled. This is where our relationship has turned from emotionally co-dependant, to two independant individuals living together.
So through the difficulties in being completely open and honest, through my fears of hurting my partners feelings by telling him I just didn't care to be with him, I have completely freed myself the burdens of painful and unpassionate sex. For the first time in many years, eight or nine years, I do not tear while engaging in intercourse and the frequency has dramatically increased from once or twice a year to twice a week, intense passion included.
Honesty is KEY
