Fear

[kimtwilliams]

It has been about a week or so since I signed up to be apart of this forum, my husband suggested that this would be a good way for me to put in writing what seems to be such loud noises in my head. I never thought it would be so hard to do. I have logged on a few times and simply just cannot get any words out, don't even know where to start. Why can I not find the words? why is my stomach in knots? I have lived with this feeling in my stomach my whole life, in good times or in bad times. This sick feeling never goes away, driven by fear. prior to any of my kids sporting events it would be so intense I can hardly breathe. The fear of them not doing well, not being good enough, making mistakes, letting the team down. These are all the feelings I feel, I could never do anything right, I could never be a good enough mom/wife. Yet, I would always get comments about me totally opposit of how I feel about me. Each morning I wake up to a battle inside my head, throughout the day it is a constant battle. the voice of fear, anger, rage, recentment, disappointment, guilt, shame, giving up is so loud some days I cannot fight it, but I feel like I am outside looking at this awful person that does not deserve the wonderful husband/children that I have. That is when I just shut down and go through the motion of life.

[Cathy]

That is when I just shut down and go through the motion of life.

What you're actually accepting and allowing is the suppression of yourself - so, it's cool that now you've exposed how you're experiencing yourself here, so now you can get busy forgiving you. First, Stop participating in your thoughts, your feelings and your emotions. And, move yourself to sit down and begin writing what comes up within yourself in this moment, and stick to one specific point as best you can. Write and speak self-forgiveness for those points and continue. Be gentle and patient with yourself and you will see how your daily experience of yourself will begin to change. If you haven't, begin to read some of the 7 Years Journey to Life Blogs, they will assist you.

[KimKline]

In addition to what Cathy mentioned, I would say that you have outlined some really cool points to get started on. However, as you say you are just starting out, so, cool you pushed yourself through to write out what you wrote in your post, however, its important for us to understand where you're at in terms of your understanding of self-forgiveness. In terms of the points you mentioned above, I would break it down like this:

why is my stomach in knots? I have lived with this feeling in my stomach my whole life, in good times or in bad times. This sick feeling never goes away, driven by fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as the internal experience of 'my stomach in knots.'

This is a very basic sf statement that is kind of just addressing the general point, or the physically manifested experience that you are going through (that you are literally doing to yourself, which isn't necessary) which indicats an underlying point that you are participating within yourself, within your mind, such as thoughts, beliefs and perceptions such as these:

prior to any of my kids sporting events it would be so intense I can hardly breathe. The fear of them not doing well, not being good enough, making mistakes, letting the team down. These are all the feelings I feel, I could never do anything right, I could never be a good enough mom/wife

Only you can really reveal to yourself the underlying points that is causing the experience of 'stomach in knots,' and self-forgiveness will help you dig down to the source. So if it is the fears you mentioned above, then you would one by one forgive them:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to particiate within and as the fear of my children not doing well at sporting events.

Then you look at how you created that fear, by asking yourself, why do I fear my children not doing well at sporting events?

The answer could be something like:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place expectations on the performance of my children during sporting events.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the performance of my children at sporting events, within the desire for them to do well, instead of simply watching them enjoy themselves within and as their physical bodies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire my children to do well at sporting events.

And then you keep listing/forgiving all the reasons why you desire your children to do well, and/or fear them not doing well.

Then because this is an energetic experience within you, and energy always works in polarity, you can forgive the polarity, as in- the polar opposite experience:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the though of my children doing poorly at sporting events.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how my children might experience themselves if they performed poorly at a sporting event, instead of realizing that I cannot be responsible for the internal experiences of my children because it is simply not possible, and I realize that I can only stand as a pillar of support for them, by taking steps to be/become stable within myself, and to lead as an example as someone who can stand within myself, regardless of whether or not I perform well or poorly in my life and world.


Then, you can also bring it back to yourself, because the whole experience is self-created:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself on to my children, thus projecting my own fears of how I would feel if I performed poorly during a sporting event (or any similar event that you would practically actually participate within in your own life, that you are relating to your children's sporting event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place high expectations on myself, wherein I judge myself if I do not acheive them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to fear how others would judge me if I performed poorly at an event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgment of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept myself unconditionally.

So, this is just to give you a jist of some of the applications of self-forgiveness statements. If you read them through, outloud would be best, and see if any of them hit on something, then you can try doing some self-forgiveness for yourself here on the forum. Remember: you are innocece as Life, and do not deserve to live in a constant state of having a stomach in knots, a sick feeling, or the experience of being driven by fear (which we basically all are). It is your responsibility to forgive yourself so as to not perpetuate this experience, for yourself, and also to not lead as an example to your children to live such an experience.

Or, if you're not ready, then search the Desteni material to learn more about self-forgiveness, how it works and the kind of 'mechanics' of it.

So, like I said- awesome that you pushed yourself to post/share yourself here, now it's up to you to continue to push yourself to uncover yourself and how you created this experience of yourself. If you're confused or would like links to particular points that you were unable to find on your own, just ask, and you will be supported.

[Ann]

It has been about a week or so since I signed up to be apart of this forum, my husband suggested that this would be a good way for me to put in writing what seems to be such loud noises in my head. I never thought it would be so hard to do. I have logged on a few times and simply just cannot get any words out, don't even know where to start. Why can I not find the words? why is my stomach in knots? I have lived with this feeling in my stomach my whole life, in good times or in bad times. This sick feeling never goes away, driven by fear. prior to any of my kids sporting events it would be so intense I can hardly breathe. The fear of them not doing well, not being good enough, making mistakes, letting the team down. These are all the feelings I feel, I could never do anything right, I could never be a good enough mom/wife. Yet, I would always get comments about me totally opposit of how I feel about me. Each morning I wake up to a battle inside my head, throughout the day it is a constant battle. the voice of fear, anger, rage, recentment, disappointment, guilt, shame, giving up is so loud some days I cannot fight it, but I feel like I am outside looking at this awful person that does not deserve the wonderful husband/children that I have. That is when I just shut down and go through the motion of life.

I can relate to that. In my life I have had experiences where I worried quite a lot, and talked myself down. That I was not good enough in this, that I was bad, wrong, too shy, too nervous, not pretty enough, not confident enough, talked strange ... and so much more. It is really a self-destructive pattern we have adopted during our life time. This often starts in childhood, with what you see and hear in society, the judgements, the ridicule etc... and then you start to take it in, and see yourself "through the eyes of others". But not really, because it is you thinking about how others would perceive you. Its like your already imagining the worst.
The knot in your stomach, reminds me of accumulated stress. Whenever I had that, I feel this knot in my stomach that I just cant get out, and is really annoying. its actually more up in the chest as well. Do you remember where it first started, when you started to feel like this?

And with children, it may be that you are programming them the same way as you were programmed. By projecting your fear and judgements onto them. So be careful with that. Who cares if they dont win, make a mistake or "let the team down". They should have fun playing together, not trying to beat others. Just to play together and have fun. We are creating children to be competitive and agressive towards each other, as if they only are good when they win, get very high grades etc... Pushing our worries and judgements onto them, which will make them grow up to be just like us. If they make a mistake then they can learn from the mistake without negative judgements to it.

So it is really cool you started to share here. You can take the steps to free yourself from that self-destructive thinking, step by step. your not more or less awful or good than anyone else, we have all been programmed in different ways, and it is in our power to stop this and no longer accept this programming to dictate our lives and that of others.

[Anna]

Hi K. Welcome to the forum - definitely cool that you joined and cool support you've been given.

For those of us who's not been used to writing or opening up on how we actually experience ourselves, it takes practice - so simply be patient with yourself. You took the first step already! I find that it is assisting to simply write about one point at a time - you could for example start with what you experience bothers you the most along with the suggestions that's been given here.

[kimtwilliams]

Thank you everyone for your support, I do not know much about self forgiveness process, I will print out what kim showed as an example and do that.

[KimKline]

Cool Kim. Take your time, go slow. I'm placing some additional resources here for when you are ready:

Self-forgiveness principles by Sunette:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYk7cVb4sR8

2011: Self Forgiveness - Taking Self Responsibility for Self Change
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sfoec_3a8_Q

Veno: Practical support and guidance with self-forgiveness
http://desteni.org/a/veno-practical-sup ... orgiveness

Jesus- the Guidelines of Forgiveness 1:
http://desteni.org/a/jesus-the-guidelin ... ess-part-1

[Michelle]

Cool thread here-- thanks everyone.