Alex's Journey To Life Blog

[alexparkinson]

7 Years journey to life : Day 1: resistances when participating in self-forgiveness through writing

It has been a long time since I wanted to participate in self-forgiveness, where I saw myself as actively participating in writing the patterns that are within me so that I may birth myself from the physical. However, I never really invested myself in writing my self-forgiveness’s because I always saw writing as being some kind of a chore where the thought of “having to work” in order to “get what I want” dissuaded me to even “try” fixing myself through self-forgiveness.

This pattern of me avoiding any type of “work” in order to get what “I want out of life” has been with me as long as I can now remember. If I am to investigate this pattern further I am to look within myself from the starting point of self-honesty and self-intimacy. I have a tendency to think that this pattern emerged through my particular relationship with my mother where I have been brought to behave in ways where I would see myself as being “not responsible” or “unaccounted for” of my own actions, relegating the responsibility of my actions upon the shoulders of my mother.

There is this memory that pops up where I see myself at a young age, with my mother in my room next to a box where I would place all of my toys. Within this memory I am crying because of something that I have done – however not remembering exactly what it was – and within which I felt guilty of having done a “wrong” action. I remember that I was crying about the sadness of my fate to my mother, where the response that I got from her was that she would dry my tears away and console me. Within this moment as a memory of my past, I have linked the relationship that whenever there is something wrong that occurs to me in my life, that the person who is there to right that wrong is my mother.



When I was sad within my childhood years, I always turned towards my mother to “reassure me” that everything was right. The fact that my father used to beat me placed me in a position of fear whenever I was alone with my father. I always hid in the basement awaiting the presence of my mother before I would find the courage to go upstairs where my father was. When I was alone in the basement, I would watch TV or stay silent until I would hear the door open, a signal that my mother may have arrived. Only when she was there that I would allow myself to go in the living room where my father used to stay. You see, I was afraid of my father because of the fact that he beat me from time to time whenever I wouldn’t do what he wanted me to do. I would thus wait for the presence of my mother in order to have a “security blanket” where I would “hide” under her presence so that I could feel “secure” when within the presence of my father.

The fact that I have used the word “security blanket” within the last statement expresses the image that I have made of my mother within and as my mind. I thus saw my mother as being a “security blanket” that would allow me to remain “hidden” from the “angry outside world” as my father, so that I could “get away” from the “responsibilities” that my father imposed upon me like washing the dishes when I would be done with them or cleaning myself up when I would have left a little mess because of food of some sorts. Thus, this “hiding” away from the responsibilities of the “mean outside world” has been reinforced through the presence of my mother, where I would reinforce the “hiding” behaviour every time my mother would “defend” me through her sheer presence, from the perceived tyranny of my father. I wrote tyranny because that is what I generally felt when within the presence of my father – being the tyrant which forced me to behave as how he saw fit, rather than letting me be and act as I wanted to – a behaviour which was supported by and through the presence of my mother. So, when my mother was near me, I felt as if I was “blanketed” from the “outside world” that I feared, which was represented by my father.



Thus, this pattern of “hiding” and “awaiting for my mother’s presence” so that I could feel “secure” and “free of responsibilities” for my actions has been with me since my childhood years – or the time where I was directly under the feared influence of my father, which represented society’s orders. When I was “hiding” I was left unaccounted for my actions because my mother’s presence would grant me immunity from my father’s aggression – because my father wouldn’t allow himself to “beat me” or “hurt me” if he were to be seen by my mother. Thus, when my mother was around I knew that I wouldn’t get hurt by my father – that I was free to do whatever I wanted without thinking of the consequences of my actions.



What I interpreted through this was that I didn’t have to “work on defending myself” from the presence/tyranny of my father because that “work” would be done by my mother whereas I would “hide away in the basement awaiting for the presence of my mother” rather than face my father as the authority figure in my world. This, I have imprinted within myself, the pattern of “hiding” and “waiting” before doing an “action” that would help me within a particular situation of distress. Thus, I became passive instead of active – and through time, the passive pattern grew and grew within me and became so big that I lived out this pattern through “waiting for some magical solution to come and help me” – just as I was waiting for my mother’s presence as she was perceived as being the “magical solution” that would help me whenever I was within the fear of my father’s sheer presence.



The program that I have built within me concerns the behaviour of me “waiting for someone to help me = my mother figure” rather than helping myself out when facing a problem. Now, the problem that is apparent within my behaviour is the point of “passivity” when in front of a problem, whereas I would wait for another person to “fix” a problem for myself because of not taking responsibility in my actions and behaviours.



I will now apply self-forgiveness to delete this pattern of “waiting” for the presence of another/my mother before I allow myself to fix myself out of my own self-limiting behaviour.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “wait” for the presence of another before applying myself into taking self-responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that writing is a chore.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist being active through the internalised pattern of me waiting for the presence of my mother to come and fix all of my problems for myself – within this I have abdicated my self-responsibility to my mother instead of taking self-responsibility for myself as all as one as equal as life.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self-responsibility to my mother because of the fear of taking self-responsibility of my actions through the fear that I had when I was young of my father – fearing him beating me for not behaving like he wanted me to behave.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my power of self-responsibility away to another as my “mother figure” rather than attacking head on, any points of self-limitation within myself as myself as life as all as one as equal.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking self-responsibility through writing myself out because of the idea that I am not “good enough” to write – within which I fear not being able to find the proper words to express myself as.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to find the proper words to express myself as – a fear I have ever since my teenage years where I would frequently find myself blocked when faced with written homework that were given by my teachers.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being blocked when faced with the act of writing myself out because of the belief that I am not a good enough writer in order to be able to “write myself out to freedom”.



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to write freely whatever comes up from within me as points of self-exploration in order for me to be able to see myself through my words so that I can actually CHANGE and free myself as life from the mind and return to the physical where I as life remains.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist change through me not actively participating in the act of self-writing because of the fears and beliefs of blockages I had towards the act of writing.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself out of the judgements as “grades” that I received from my teachers when correcting/judging my homeworks.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to block my writing within the act of “seeking to write a specific amount of words” as patterns that I programmed within myself whenever I think of the act of writing.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write only within the goal of attaining a specific amount of words rather than writing for and as myself through me reprogramming myself as life through the direct facing of myself as the points as resistances which comes up.



If and when I see myself moving or about to move into the assumption of “I am not a good writer thus I cannot write”, I stop, breathe, remind myself that it is a pattern of me as the mind I no longer want to engage for it is not what is best for me and what is best for all, One and Equal.

When and as I see myself moving into the automatic personality of abdication as “ I won’t do self-forgiveness or self-writing” I stop, breathe, see if I have missed an opportunity to self correct into Oneness and Equality from which the abdication arose, if so, I forgive myself, stand up from the self-abdication and self correct, if not I stop, self forgive my participation in abdication as an automated response to a pattern of self abuse and bring myself back Here in and as the Breath.



I commit myself to stop myself from entertaining ideas and beliefs about self-abdication and from judging myself and others as “self-abdication”, through the use of thoughts and emotions, ideas and beliefs, comparisons and games of winners and losers to establish myself as an example of how Life could be for everyone outside of the limited living of the Mind of Illusions and back into Life as the Physical, One and Equal for every living Being.

[alexparkinson]

7 years journey to life: Day 2: Facing the fear of being called ugly

Day 2: Facing the fear of being called ugly





For what am I afraid of being judged? I am afraid of being judged ugly by others because of having been judged ugly when I was a teenager growing up in my world. As a teenager, I was often teased and ridiculed by my peers for being different, within which my differences were primarily portrayed by the colour of my skin and the aspect of my face. I remember a particular incident where I was in computer science class and where a group of students stood near me, as I was sitting down in front of a computer, and where they were calling me all sorts of names all the while looking at my face intensely, as I tried to avert their gaze by looking at the computer screen. Within this moment, I sought to hide from their presence through me going into my mind so that I could escape the reality that they were presenting to me.

Through their name callings – mainly telling me that I was ugly – I felt ashamed of being me, as if I was something that was to be kept hidden because of not being in tune with what was accepted as a “beautiful/normal human being” from their judgments. The instinctive reaction that came up, was that of wanting to hide from their gaze, but since I couldn’t do so in a practical sense, I had to “hide within the scope of my mind” because there were simply nowhere else to go, as I was in class at the time. I remember that there was about 3 of them (not really sure if my memory is right or not) and they all stood in an upright position as I was in a sitting position, blankly looking in front of my computer screen as to make it seem that I was busy doing something, whereas I wasn’t doing anything but listening to their remarks and trying not to understand what they were telling me. The feeling of smallness overwhelmed me from within that moment because of the way they were looking at me and of the words they were throwing my way.



I remember that within moments where I felt uncomfortable, such as the moment I am currently describing here, that I had the tendency to go and hide in places where I wouldn’t be seen by those who made me feel uncomfortable. As an example, I used to hide in the school’s bathroom whenever I felt the near presence of those who bullied me. Thus, within this mind frame of “hiding” whenever I faced trouble, I sought to hide within this moment but since I wasn’t practically able to, because of being within the context of a class that was mandatory for me to attend, I rather sought to hide away within my mind.



This pattern of “hiding away within my mind” whenever I face uncomfortable situations has been with me ever since childhood, where I used to hide in the basement when I was alone with my father. I feared my father because he had the habit of beating me whenever I did something that wasn’t approved by him. Thus from early on, I learned through self-programming that the best solution was to hide whenever I was faced with a situation where I felt threatened. I never really learned to face a threatening situation head on, because of fearing the reactions of others.

I usually saw those who were threatening me as being a projection of my father. Within this, I saw them as I would see my father: an authority figure, someone who is more knowledgeable than me, someone who is better than me, someone who knows what and who I am, someone who is stronger than me, someone to which I have to abide to because of the fear of the consequences that would follow if I were not to answer their orders. Whenever I was in a situation where the solution of hiding in a physical place was not permitted of feasible, I would hide within the confines of my mind.



I realise that, within the subject of fearing being called ugly, that I also do the same thing that others did to me as I was a teenager in this world, within that I tend to judge others according to their physical appearance as a means to judge if the person is worthy of my company or not. Thus, I do exactly as those who judged me as I was growing up, within that I judge others on the basis of their physical appearance as a benchmark that I would use to determine if the person was/is worthy of my company or not.



When I was judged as being ugly, the primary emotion that was running through my veins was guilt within that I felt guilty of being me and through this guilt, I sought to hide away so that others would not be able to see the subject of my guilt, which was myself – within this experience. Thus, I sought to hide myself from the gaze of those who bullied me, but since this was not possible within this particular situation, I instead hid within the confines of my mind. Through this act of hiding myself within the confines of my mind, I reinforced the idea that I was the mind rather than the physical body. The sensation of me as who I am, thus began to be reinforced through me “hiding who I am in my mind” from the gaze of the bullies. Thus, “who I am” began to be a set of characteristics which were akin to the mind rather than to the physical body. Since I wasn’t able to physically hide from the gaze of the bullies, I hid what I thought to be me within the mind – thus, each time I hid within my mind, I reinforced the idea/belief that I was the mind rather than the physical body. The mind allowed me the space that I needed in order to “hide the abstract characteristics of me” within its confines – however, since I wasn’t able to physical hide my physical body from the presence of the bullies, but was able to “hide the sense of who I am within my mind”, I reinforced thus to perceive the mind as being who I truly was.



I realise that I do the exact same thing to others whenever I am faced with someone that I do not know and that I see for the first time – where I look at the person’s face, and judge the person worth on the symmetric harmony or disharmony of its facial structures. Yesterday, for example, as I was at a concert with a friend of mine, I was constantly judging the persons who were presenting themselves on the stage rather than unconditionally listening to what they had to say through their songs. This, I realise, is the exact same behaviour that I was internally fighting against as I was a teenager – I judge others as others judged me and through this, participate in the mind rather than be here physically, one and equal as life as all.



Within this, I have built the belief that I am unworthy of others unless I can show an image which is acceptable/pretty enough to be liked by others. Thus, I spend tremendous amounts of time in front of the mirror just to make sure that my physical appearance is good enough to avoid being called ugly by others. Through this, I have defined myself as being unworthy of other’s presence unless I feel comfortable enough through my physical appearance, a feeling that usually comes after I spend tremendous amounts of time in front of the mirror so as to make sure that I am the prettiest person that I can possibly be at a particular given time.



I will do self-forgiveness on the issue of being called ugly as I sense that there are a lot of points that I need to deconstruct before this point gets released from my physical body. I will do self-forgiveness tomorrow as I currently need time to properly think about all the points which are related to that point.

[alexparkinson]

7 years journey to life: Day 3 : Self-Forgiveness on the fear of being called ugly

Applying Self Forgiveness now to delete the particular fear of being called ugly to which I have described yesterday.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being called ugly.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel “less than others” whenever I was judged as being “ugly” by others.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am ugly when others judge me to be so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being “less than another” whenever I see another as being “pretty”.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel “inferior” to another that I judge as being “more pretty” than me.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose confidence in myself whenever I am with someone whom I see and perceive as being “more pretty” than me.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my self-expression whenever I am with someone whom I perceive as being “more pretty” than me.



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that who I am as life is an expression that is free from judgements, thoughts, emotions and the mind and within this, that I have allowed myself to “lock myself into” the mind whenever I feel “threatened” by the presence of another.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “hide” within the confines of my mind whenever I feel “threatened” by another being’s presence to which I judge as being “more than” me.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive others as being “more than me” whenever I judge another as being “pretty”.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my self-expression to superficial judgements of the mind as an image presentation rather than a self-expression as life as one as equal.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fee ignored by those around me whenever I find myself in a situation where I partake in a social activity with others.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am ignored by those around me whenever I find myself in social situations with groups that are new to me.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject myself.



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to love myself for what I am as an expression as life as one as all as equal as the physical.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel rejected when I am with the company of others that I meet for the first time.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being “less than” others whenever I find myself within groups for the first time.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into mind chatter whenever I am with people that I meet for the first time – within which I judge others within my secret mind as being less than me or more than me according to the way they present themselves to be as a mind picture presentation.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a value into a mind picture presentation rather than to value the source of life as the physical as all as one as equal as life.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for how I feel – rather than realising that I am responsible for my emotional states and reactions.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the mind whenever I feel threatened by the presence of another being.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the mind through me acting out the behaviour of “hiding within my mind” whenever I feel threatened by another being in my world.



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that I am not the mind, but life as the physical as that which is standing HERE as all as one as equal as LIFE whereas the mind is always “there” within places which are NOT REAL.



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to honour life through me standing here, one and equal as the physical, rather than me “hiding out” in the mind through the fear of being judged for who I portray myself to be.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged for who I portray myself to be because of the value that I place in the “mind picture presentation” rather than in life as the unconditional expression of who I am HERE as one as all as the physical as life.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a greater value within the “picture presentation” of myself rather than the unconditional physical expression of myself as life as one as equal as the physical HERE.



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that HERE is where I AM as LIFE rather than “there” as the mind.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out the pattern of me hiding within my mind whenever I am threatened by another – within which I started participating in when I was a young child in the presence of my father who used to beat me.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project the pattern of “hiding within my mind” towards those that I judge as being “more than me” because of me unconsciously projecting my father figure unto others that I perceive as being “more than me” through their picture presentation.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty of being me whenever I think that I am “more ugly than another”.



If and when I see myself moving or about to move into the mind through the “fear of being judged ugly”, I stop, breathe, remind myself that it is a pattern of me as the mind I no longer want to engage for it is not what is best for me and what is best for all, One and Equal



When and as I see myself moving into the automatic personality of guilt of 'I must be ugly', I stop, breathe, see if I have missed an opportunity to self correct into Oneness and Equality from which the guilt arose, if so, I forgive myself, stand up from the guilt and self correct, if not I stop, self forgive my participation in guilt as an automated response to a pattern of self Abuse and bring myself back Here in and as Breath



I commit myself to stop myself from entertaining ideas and beliefs about ugliness and from judging myself and others as 'having done something wrong', through the use of thoughts and emotions, ideas and beliefs, comparisons and games of winners and losers to establish myself as an example of how Life could be for everyone outside of the limited living of the Mind of Illusions and back into Life as the Physical, One and Equal for every Living Being.

[alexparkinson]

7 years journey to life: Day 4 : The “I don’t know what to write about” pattern





Today was the 4th day since I started applying myself in the “writing yourself to freedom” initiative. Although it has been more than 4 years since I first started writing myself to freedom through the Desteni principle, I haven’t yet done it in a regular fashion, like what I am attempting at doing nowadays through the “7 years to life” application. One of the main reasons why I haven’t yet been diligent enough in my writings is because of the belief that I am lacking in things to say or write about.



Today was one of those days where I questioned myself for points to consider writing about when I would be alone in front of my computer as is now the case. I went to a baseball game with my friend and spent almost all of the time attending the game, thinking about what to write about when I would be in front of my computer. There weren’t any points of interest which popped up in my mind as I was thinking of things to write about thus, I decided to write about this “lack of things to say” pattern that seems to pop up whenever I push myself to write about things in general.



I remember when I was growing up, I had a lot of difficulties finding subjects to write about as I was attending school. Writing has never been a strong point in my life, as I have a lot of trouble even respecting the basis of writing in itself, which is to write about a subject, verb and complement which thus generates typical sentences. The way my mind works is rather messy, as my thoughts run around in my mind without order or concision. I usually understand myself when I think to myself, however, when comes the time to share my thoughts or the processes of my mind to another, there is always this “blockage” that seems to arise. We can say that I have difficulties writing in the English language as it is not my primary language, being French. But even in my primary language do I find difficulties in making my thoughts concise to another.



For example, in order for me to portray the difficulties I have when attempting at writing myself out, I just went over a blank state in my mind, as I was at the end of the last paragraph, thinking of what else to say in order to make this entry as substantial as possible. Within me blanking myself out, I lost focus on what I was attempting to say simply because I do not know what to write about. I know that I want to make the necessary efforts for me to be able to follow through with my decision to participate in this “writing yourself to freedom” for the next 7 years, but I fear that it will be difficult for me at first, since the pattern of “having nothing to write/say about” is still very much present in my “psychological makeup”. Thus, to those who are reading my entries, I would say to please bear with me, as I am currently working out the pattern which has brought me to be passive in my process up to now, which is the “I do not know what to say/write about” pattern.



Thus, I will stop my ramblings here, and will go into the self-forgiveness statements regarding this particular point of “I do not know what to say/write about” pattern.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not have anything to say to another and within which I manifest this pattern because of the lack of self-discipline that I has been the makeup of my personality for a long time.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack discipline when comes the time to reprogram myself in order that I may be one with and as life as the physical.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave as if I have nothing to say or write about because of the lack of will to change me rather than to wait that someone or something other than me changes me first, which is impossible for there is nothing out there which will do the work for me as everything is me as all as one as equal as life as the physical.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself through the thought of “I do not have anything to say/write about” because of not being focussed enough within and as myself in order to get rid of those points which are within me but where I do not want to face because of the belief that I have nothing to say.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have nothing to say through the belief that I am “more than” this process of self-forgiveness within which I delude myself into thinking that I am above the process.



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that I am not above the process as the process is equal and one with everyone in this planet and that it takes 7 years, minimum for one to be able to free oneself from the grasp of the mind consciousness system, to which we are not as we are all one as all as equal as life as the physical, and not the mind.



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the thought of me not having anything to say/write about is a trap of the mind trying to make me believe that I have nothing to write about because of the belief that I am above the process.



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that I have a lot of things to say/write about if I am to look at myself one point/day at a time.



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that it is actually me as the mind which is “blanking myself out” because of the fear of having to “fix myself out as the mind” rather than someone else doing it for me.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for another to fix me rather than me taking self-responsibility for me as myself and from there, work through the mind one point at a time until I am silent within myself.



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the process of self-forgiveness is a living statement that needs to be lived one day at a time as one thus becomes the principle of giving as life only through the trials of every day participation.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose focus as the act of placing my attention elsewhere whenever I am trying to look for points within myself that are to be processed through the process of self-forgiveness.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have nothing to say as an escape mechanism that I use to not be taken accounted for my own actions.



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the pattern of me thinking that I have nothing to say is an escape mechanism that I as the mind equal and one, has used in order to make me “believe” that I am “above it all” and that I do not need to apply myself because of having reached a particular point of self-realisation which grants me the privilege of not having to “work on myself” because of the belief that I am already “free” – within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am “free of the work of the self-forgiveness process” because of the belief that what I lived through, spiritually, is enough to make me “better than” everybody else.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am “better than anybody else” because of the level of spiritual awakening that I have reached throughout my life, not realising that spirituality was and is an escape mechanism of the mind which will not and cannot change the state of abuse in this world because of the lack of physical practicality that spirituality professes through actions which only supports the mind such as meditation.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that meditation is an act that can change the state of the world through the medium of the “magical attributes of the unconscious mind” which is only a virtual representation of what LIFE is in all actuality, which is the physical equal and one with all living beings.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide within the silences of the mind so that I may continue on with the belief that I have nothing to say, all the while inhibiting myself from the depths of the mind to which I go to in order to keep on believing that I have nothing to say/write about.



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that it is me that pushes myself back within the silences of the mind because of not wanting to take action in this world in order to bring about real actual change.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to change things in this life because of the belief that I am too small and unimportant to be able to change things in this world.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am too small to bring about change in this world.



If and when I see myself moving or about to move into the mind through the “lost of focus” pattern, I stop, breathe, remind myself that it is a pattern of me as the mind I no longer want to engage for it is not what is best for me and what is best for all, One and Equal



When and as I see myself moving into the automatic personality of guilt of 'I must have something to say', I stop, breathe, see if I have missed an opportunity to self correct into Oneness and Equality from which the guilt arose, if so, I forgive myself, stand up from the guilt and self correct, if not I stop, self forgive my participation in guilt as an automated response to a pattern of self Abuse and bring myself back Here in and as Breath



I commit myself to stop myself from entertaining ideas and beliefs about “not having things to way” and from judging myself and others as 'having nothing to say’, through the use of thoughts and emotions, ideas and beliefs, comparisons and games of winners and losers to establish myself as an example of how Life could be for everyone outside of the limited living of the Mind of Illusions and back into Life as the Physical, One and Equal for every Living Being.

[alexparkinson]

7 years journey to life: Day 5 : Self Forgiveness on feelings
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to base my self expression on how I feel because of the belief that I am who I am only when I feel high or good enough

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that who I am is what I feel because of the expanding feeling that I had in the past after I experienced my first manic episode

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to base my identity on the feeling of high because of believing that I am equal to who I truly am as the source of life only when I feel high within myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the high feeling is of the mind consciousness system and thus, to desire the high feeling is to desire the low feeling

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to perceive who I am as life as the feeling of high because of the extreme feeling that opened myself up to an extreme perception of unity with the universe while I was working on the project “code conscience” back in the year 2003

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the feeling of high that I experimented back in the year 2003 was not of life but of the mind consciousness system

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to continuously believe that my true self expression only comes when I am high enough because of the feeling of expansion as the expression of myself that I believed to be my true expression while I was within the high feeling that was generated by the mind consciousness system as I was working on the project to create a conscious computer program back in 2003

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to seek the same feeling of high that I had back in the year 2003 because of the sense of wonderment that I got while working on the “code conscience” project that led me to believe that who I really am is equal to that feeling of high

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I cannot express myself properly unless I feel high enough within myself because of the ease into which I express myself when I feel high

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel bad about myself when I am not feeling high enough because of the difficulties I have to express myself unconditionally when I am not supported by a high enough feeling from within me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to value the high feeling as the true and greatest expression of myself because of the apparent liberating experiences that my first high feeling brought to me in the past while I was working on the project “code conscience”

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to live in the goal to relive my past so that I can feel the exact same feeling of high I experimented back then because of me not seeing any other thing worthy of living for in my present life

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that my current life is unworthy of living because I do not feel as good about myself as I did in the past

If and when I see myself moving or about to move into the mind through the “feeling depressed” pattern, I stop, breathe, remind myself that it is a pattern of me as the mind I no longer want to engage for it is not what is best for me and what is best for all, One and Equal

When and as I see myself moving into the automatic personality of guilt of 'I must be depressed', I stop, breathe, see if I have missed an opportunity to self correct into Oneness and Equality from which the guilt arose, if so, I forgive myself, stand up from the guilt and self correct, if not I stop, self forgive my participation in guilt as an automated response to a pattern of self Abuse and bring myself back Here in and as Breath

I commit myself to stop myself from entertaining ideas and beliefs about “feeling depressed” and from judging myself and others as ‘being depressed’, through the use of thoughts and emotions, ideas and beliefs, comparisons and games of winners and losers to establish myself as an example of how Life could be for everyone outside of the limited living of the Mind of Illusions and back into Life as the Physical, One and Equal for every Living Being.

[alexparkinson]

7 years journey to life: Day 6: Facing bipolar disorder


I have been diagnosed by those of the medical industry as being bipolar since 2003. At that particular time in my life, I experienced states of consciousness which brought me to disconnect from reality through the effects of the mind exercises that I was then busy doing unto myself. What I then saw as “mind exercises” were techniques that I came upon as I was surfing the net in search of everything that I deemed as being spiritual. Of those techniques, one particularly caught my attention and was brought upon the listening of a particular sound/music which was sold as brain entrainment – within which the music that I would listen to had the designed properties of bringing one’s state of consciousness into deeper and deeper levels of awareness. One would listen to the music within designed orders that would propel the listener to deeper states of awareness. The name of the music was called “holosync” and had within its patterned sound, a “binaural beat” rhythm that would “entrain” the mental state into deeper states of awareness, such as the beta, alpha and theta brain wave states.



I remember that at one point during the time when I was religiously listening to the holosync technology, I began to perceive life differently, within which I was under the ominous impression that I was “behind everything”. This feeling of being “behind everything” stayed with me for weeks, where I would devote my energies in finding the cause of that new found feeling. Without going into too much details of this experience, I will nonetheless say that this feeling brought me to, at one point, disconnect from reality and live experiences which would eventually lead me to get hospitalised.



The behaviour that I manifested at the time was the behaviour of someone who was in a “manic state of mind” as what is described by the medical industry. What it meant for me was that, for instance, I had too much energy thus I couldn’t sleep for days on end – where I would find myself working on an impossible project of creating a computer program that would have a mind of its own. Although the computer program was doomed since the moment the idea entered my mind, I still believed that I could have eventually created the computer program that would have a mind of its own. I was under the influences of many different sources at the time – different sources, like my knowledge of computers and psychology, which brought me to believe that I had the knowhow to create such a program. However, the idea never manifested itself as I was led to deviate from my initial goal as I was within the process of birthing such an idea. Thus, at one point, my mother became worried for my behaviour, where I wouldn’t sleep and stay for entire days in front of the computer, trying to figure out the key of consciousness, as I was looking to make the computer program conscious of itself. So, one day, when my mother saw that I wasn’t listening to her or to my uncle who tried to convince me that I was being led astray by my own mind, she decided to call the police so that I may be brought to the hospital for treatment.



The police came and we decided under common grounds, that it would be best for me to go to the hospital, which I did. Once at the hospital, they eventually diagnosed my condition as being that of bipolar disorder. Having been forced to stay at the hospital for 3 weeks, I was medicated intensely so as to treat the condition of mind I was under as I first came to the hospital.



However, I never saw my condition as being an illness of some sorts, but rather saw it as being a gift that I needed to uncover for myself. What I experienced within the manic state of mind was so out of the ordinary that I was brought to believe that whatever I experienced within that mind set was real. That was not what those of the medical industry believed however, and I was forced to take on medication for what they then told me would be of 5 years.



Having never seen myself as being ill, I never respected the doctor’s orders thus never took the medication that was prescribed to me. This had caused me to experience 4 more manic episodes, all of which brought me to subsequent hospitalisation, the latest of which was the one that I experienced last year – whereas I had to be hospitalised for a bit more than 3 months. Within my latest hospitalisation, I have been ordered by the court to take my medication, for the medical industry and the legal system had come under the agreement that it would be best for me to take my medication, considering my past hospitalisations and my tendency to not take the medication that was prescribed to me. Thus, ever since October 2011, I am now forced to take medication, where I have regular meetings with my psychiatrist and nurse in order to check my system for the proper amount of medicine in my blood – to ensure that I do take the medication.



So, even though I despise the effect that the medication has upon my body, I still continue on taking the meds through the imposed force of the legal system. Although I still do not respect the amount of medication that has been prescribed to treat my condition, I still take the medication – although to lesser amount than what the doctors believe – which brings me to feel rather confused most of the time.



The state of mind which triggered my condition was a state of “manic mindset”. This particular mindset created a cycle within my system where it would return almost to the exact same moment of year from that moment on – within which I would re-live such a mindset almost every year which had brought me to subsequent hospitalisations, all of which I did not respect the posology of the doctors until the last hospitalisation of last year.



Since the bipolar disorder is still a big part of my “psychological makeup”, I will do self-forgiveness on the points of me facing my mental condition and the imposed taking of the medication.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop the condition of “manic disorder” because of having allowed myself to enter the trap of the mind which brought me to believe that I was “special” because of having experienced a “manic episode” which brought me to “perceive” reality from a perspective which was then new to me – within which I experienced sensations that I never experienced before.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the sensations that I first experienced back in 2003 were experiences that would make me “more special than others” because of the new found perspectives from which I then perceive the NOW moment.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain the idea that the sensation that I found back in 2003, would return cyclically because of the belief that I had then opened up a door within my mind which would manifest itself every year from that point on.



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the new found sensations that I then found to be new within my perspective of life at the moment, were traps of the mind consciousness system from within which I would only perceive other dimensions of the mind consciousness system which is not real in the first place, but only a virtual representation of reality which is here as the physical as all as one as equal.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking the medication that was prescribed to me by the doctors.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel confused when I take on the medication that was prescribed to me last year by the psychiatrist.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sleepy when I take on the medication that was prescribed to me last year by the psychiatrist.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change from the effects of the medication which affected only my mind and not my body thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the effects the medication has on the mind consciousness system, through reactions of depression and happiness induced by the medications rather than remaining here stable as the physical as all as one as equal as life.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “want to kill myself” because of the imposed orders upon me by the medical and legal system where I have to take the medications for the next 3 years, minimum or having to face the consequences of the law for not abiding to the judge’s orders concerning the taking of the medication.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the mindset I was on when I was in a manic state of mind, was real - within which I perceived reality through the eyes of a particularly active mind which was the consequence of me wanting to "create a computer program" that would be "conscious" of itself.




I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that the mindset I was on as I was under the influence of the Meditative music by the name of Holosync, was externally induced thus was not really a consequence of my own spiritual advancements to which I pushed myself to be LIEf to be the case.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in a lie that I told to myself as that of being a person who is able to create a computer program that can think by itself - within which I knew deep down inside of me, as being impossible within the time frame where I had my first experience of "manic" episode.




When and as I see myself moving into the automatic personality of guilt of ‘I must be mentally ill’, I stop, breathe, see if I have missed an opportunity to self correct into Oneness and Equality from which the guilt arose, if so, I forgive myself, stand up from the guilt and self correct, if not I stop, self forgive my participation in guilt as an automated response to a pattern of self Abuse and bring myself back Here in and as Breath



I commit myself to stop myself from entertaining ideas and beliefs about “feeling manic” and from judging myself and others as ‘being less than me’, through the use of thoughts and emotions, ideas and beliefs, comparisons and games of winners and losers to establish myself as an example of how Life could be for everyone outside of the limited living of the Mind of Illusions and back into Life as the Physical, One and Equal for every Living Being.

[alexparkinson]

7 years journey to life: Day 7: facing anxiety when watching a sport game.


A few days ago, I was at my friend’s house watching a playoff hockey game. Although I wasn’t found of the two teams who were battling it out, I found myself surprised at feeling anxiety for a specific team. I felt especially anxious when the opposing team were menacing the goalie of the home team – within which I found myself rooting for the opposing team because of grudges that I maintained for the home team. I did not like the home team primarily because of the lack of support the team have from its home fans. When watching a hockey game that doesn’t feature my home team, the personal benchmark that mostly determines if I will root for a team or not remains the amount of support the team has from its home fan base. As an example, if the arena of the home team remains mostly empty, I do not root for the team whereas if the arena is full or near being full, I root for the home team because I then see that the team has the support from its home fan base.



The reason why I always root for the team, other than my home team, which has the most support from its fan base is because hockey as a sport isn`t doing that well in the united states, as opposed to other team sports like baseball. Being from Canada and having always rooted for hockey as a sport in general, I want it to succeed in the United States. The fact that hockey isn’t amongst the top 5 sports in the United States is a bit of a letdown for me, because I see hockey as being a great team sports, mostly because I have been living in a culture that has a rather religious relationship with hockey. To me, when I see an American arena filled with fans while attending an hockey game makes me feel good inside. The opposite is also true when I see an American arena filled with empty seats when an hockey game is played. The reason why I felt anxious when the home team were menacing to the visiting team while watching the hockey game a few days ago, was because the home team lacked in support from it’s fan base as there were many empty seats while the game went on.



Thus, I felt anxious when the home team was in attack mode. This feeling of anxiety while watching an hockey game on T.V. has been with me for most of my life and it is now the time to look further into it through the process of self-forgiveness and self-correct myself in order to stop participating in the mind as the manifestation of anxiety when I watch an hockey game.





I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious when watching an hockey game on television.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious when watching an hockey game on T.V. because of the grudges that I maintain within the silences of my mind towards a specific team in general.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to maintain grudges towards the specific teams for which the home fan base do not show its appreciation towards its team.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to concern myself with petty little things such as the amount of fans a team is able to have in it’s home arena while playing the sport of hockey.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise the teams that plays in front of almost empty arenas because of the apparent lack of interest towards hockey by the home team fan base.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel affected by the successes or failures of hockey franchises according to the amount or lack of fan support for the home team.



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the reason why I feel affected by the successes or failures of a hockey franchise comes from me projecting myself as my own wishes and desires towards a team that I place my attention upon.



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the feeling of happiness that comes whenever I see a hockey team being successful within its home fan base is directly related to the happiness that I feel whenever I succeed in whatever field of interest or endeavour of mine.



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the feeling of sadness that comes whenever I see a hockey team being unsuccessful within its home fan base is directly related to the sadness that I feel/experience whenever I fail in whatever field of interest of endeavour of mine.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my attention on sports rather than on the real problems of this world.



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the existence of sports is mostly interesting to the rulers of the world and it’s current system because of the diversion that it creates within the global population – within which people prefer placing their attention on petty little games rather than placing our attention on the greater problems of this world, so that we can resolve them once and for all.



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the rulers of this world only wants us to be as entertained as possible – throughout sports and the entertainment industry in general – so that we become oblivious to the sufferings in this world.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the entertainment industry while watching sports in television and thus continue on with the abuse in this world as my attention is brought elsewhere than where it has to be in order that we can fix the problems of this world so that the abuse of life may stop once and for all, one and equal as life.





When and as I see myself moving into the automatic personality of anxiety of ‘watching an hockey game on tv’, I stop, breathe, see if I have missed an opportunity to self correct into Oneness and Equality from which the anxiety arose, if so, I forgive myself, stand up from the anxiety and self correct, if not I stop, self forgive my participation in anxiety as an automated response to a pattern of self Abuse and bring myself back Here in and as Breath



I commit myself to stop myself from entertaining ideas and beliefs about “winners and losers” and from judging myself and others as ‘winners or losers’, through the use of thoughts and emotions, ideas and beliefs, comparisons and games of winners and losers to establish myself as an example of how Life could be for everyone outside of the limited living of the Mind of Illusions and back into Life as the Physical, One and Equal for every Living Being.

[alexparkinson]

7 years journey to life: Day 8: SF on taking medication


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need medication in order for me to function properly within this world.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel drained when I take the medication that was prescribed to me by my psychiatrist in order to treat the perceive “disease” that is the bipolar disease.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need medication in order to fix the problem that has been diagnosed within my mind through the perspective of a psychiatrist.


I forgive myself that I have acccepted and allowed myself to place the words of a psychiatrist above the words of common sense because of the perceive status of a psychiatrist as that of being a person of high opinion because of the years of studies such a person must have gone through in order to become such a praised person within the current systems of this world.





I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that the moment I place the words of a psychiatrist above those of common sense, I place the current system of the world above the system of life that stants for all life as one as equal rather than standing for the abuse of life that is the state of the current system of the world. I commit myself into taking all actions necessary through self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and writing myself to freedom, so that one day the system of life may arise from the decay of the old.




I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself into a situation where I became a target for psychiatrist to drop their assessment upon me according to a limited perspective of how the brain functions and through this, having allowed myself to believe what was being told to me by the psychiatrist, which is/was that I have the bipolar disease.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the medication that I am “forced” to take by the law and the medical system –within which I react to the medication that I intake through feelings of slumber and fogginess within and throughout my mind.



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the feelings of slumber and fogginess is created by me as a reaction to the medication that I have to take by law, so that I may abdicate my self-responsibility further into an outside source, such as the medication represents, instead of taking self-responsibility for and as myself for what I have created as myself within and as my outside world.



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that my outside world is a reflection of my inside world within which I only reflect that which I have created as my mind consciousness system – within which I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am my mind consciousness system through the statement that I make when I feel “sleepy”and “foggy” through the intake of the medication that is prescribed to me, rather than remaining here stable within and as myself without any reactions as effects of the medication within and upon me whatsoever.



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that I am responsible for whatever is happening in my outside world, which includes the intake of the medication and the relationship with the psychiatrist, to which I fight against and thus perpetuate this inner fight outward within the outside physical reality because of not having realised that my outside world is a direct reflection of my inner world – within which I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that in order for me to change the outside world, I must first change my inside world through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application so that I may become a living, breathing example for all living beings so that each one may eventually become free as all as one as equal as life.



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that I am supporting the Abuse towards life when I take medication because of it having first been tested on animals against their will and frequently causing irreparable harm to the animals, within which I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become “bipolar” within my nature so as to continue on blindly supporting such abuse as in the medication industry rather than stop the abuse through me stopping taking on the medication (to which I want to but can’t for the moment because of the court order) and stopping my participation within the system of abuse so as to birth myself as life as the physical, all as one as equal.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “want to kill myself” because of being “forced” to take the medication against my will and thereby having thought, for a moment, of killing myself as the only solution to the problem that arose from taking the medication within which I felt abused through the modification that the medication generated in my body/behaviour, frequently leaving me depressed because of the changes that the medication generated within my communication and motor skills.




If and when I see myself moving or about to move into the mind through the "fear of being medicated" patter, I stop, breathe, remind myself that it is a pattern of me as the mind I no longer want to engage for it is not what is best for me and what is best for all, One and Equal.





When and as I see myself moving into the automatic personality of shame of "I must take medication", I stop, breathe, see if i have missed an opportunity to self-correct into Oneness and Equality from which the shame arose, if so, I forgive myself, stand up from the shame and self-correct, if not i stop, self-forgive my participation in shame as an automated response to a pattern of self-abuse and bring myself back Here in and as Breath.





I commit myself to stop myself from entertaining ideas and beliefs about "having to take medication" and from judging myself and others as "being more or less than me", through the use of thoughts and emotions, ideas and beliefs, comparisons and games of winners and losers to establish myself as an example of how Life could be for everyone outside of the limited living of the Mind of illusions and back into Life as the Physical, One and Equal for every living Being.

[alexparkinson]

7 years journey to life: Day 9: Talking about desteni and the equalmoney system to another
I will be happy to answer your questions. First of all, concerning the first question and your interest in gaining more information, I will say that the philosophy that I have presented to you regarding the sociological change came from my active participation within a group that call themselves the "destonians". This group, without being a cult or anything of the sorts, is proposing a new economic system that goes by the name of "equal money system" which has as a rule, the value of life as the determining factor of one's income. This system that they are proposing - and they are gathering steam throughout the internet - is a new system that, without going too much into its details, proposes the implementation of two types of income which are the basic income and the labour income. The "basic income" would cover all that one may need in order to live a dignified life from birth till death, which icludes all of the basic necessities like housing, clothings, food and electricity. The other modality of the system is called the "labour income" and is an income that is strictly reserved to those who are "working" within the system in order to sustain it's infrastructure and demands. This "labour income" will be the same for everyone, meaning a doctor will get as much money per hour as a sales clerk for example, and will allow those who are making money through the exchange of their services, the luxury that they may desire. This is not like what many think as being communism, for it is not based on hierarchy or the incinuation of power over any one whatsoever. Within the new sociological system however, many jobs which are currently effective within our system will become obsolete, for the new system that they are proposing discards all of that which is currently supporting competition and survival of the fittest - which are traits that will eventually dissapear within the new system and humanity as a whole if we stop participitating in what makes us competetive in the first place. However, before getting into this new system that they are proposing, one has to go trough a process of self-forgiveness, which is a process that deconstructs the patterns that constitute what we have accepted as Our Reality and re-construct the patterns according to what is best for all life through a commitment of self-correction. I have been an active participant within this group ever since it's implementation back in the year 2007 and have written a lot of self-forgivenesses regarding points that was and is within each and everyone of us. They base their observation on what needs to be done within this lifetime, according to the extraordinary capacities of a young female that goes by the name of Sunette Spies, which can exit her body entirely and navigate the unseen dimensions of life so as to get a new found perspective on the reasons why we are here and what absolutely needs to be done if we are to redeem ourselves from what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to create within this existanceas a whole, which is as I believe all can agree, unnacceptable. You can get all the information you need regarding this group at the following web site: www.desteni.org, and you can get all the information you need regarding the sociological change they are proposing through the equal money system at the following web site: www.equalmoney.org. I have had the honour to visit them in their place of operation in South Africa back in august of 2008, after I have read and watched all of the documents and videos that were made by Sunette Spies at the time, regarding the unseen consequences of each and everyone of us in face of our actions within and without our minds. She explains that we are all one and equal, but that our minds keeps us from getting to be that which we are as life, thereby maintaing us trapped within our own minds of separation rather than becoming one as all as life as equal as the universe. Each and every one of our thoughts, feelings and emotions are very much contributing to the creation of abuse within our world and as such, as long as we keep on participating within thoughts that are based in polarity - good or bad -, we will keep on projecting abuse within our world and realities in this life and at death. No one will come and change us but ourselves. We have to take responsibility for what we have created in this world thus, self-forgive ourselves for what is in ourselves as thoughts, feelings and emotions so that we may transcend the mind and become one with and as the physical which is the foundation of all life, thus Life itself. I would suggest you go read some of the Articles within the desteni web site (http://desteni.org/articles) and some of the videos on the web site as well for all the information you need regarding this movement. Unfortunately, most of the videos that were made by sunette spies since 2007 has been removed and replaced to another web site that I am currently unaware of. This will give you a good overview of what I am supporting and participating within my current "journey" or "process" at the current moment in my life.

[alexparkinson]

7 years journey to life: Day 10: Stopping the reactions of the mind as blame


Question:
How am I to practically assist and support myself in the moment, to not accept or allow myself to direct blame towards another as an attempt to shift responsibility through an experience/thought that come up inside myself to which I usually react that is directed towards the other?

I will immediately assist and support myself in the moment to stop myself from continuing participating in the reaction that come up inside of me related to the thought/belief/perception as ‘experience’ that come up, that my mother is not hearing me, not listening to me and not understanding me.

In this moment such a thought/belief/perception comes up – I will ‘slow down’ here in and as breath, stop myself slowly from accepting and allowing myself to continue participating in the reaction that come up together with the experience/thought/belief/perception.

Because I understand that such a thought/belief/perception that comes up as ‘she not hearing me, not listening to me and not understanding me’ – is revealing to me that I’m actually the one not hearing, understanding or listening to what she’s expressing here in the moment.

Therefore, within this understanding, realization and insight – I take self responsibility for me, stop the reaction through not participating in such an assumption/belief/perception and slow down here in and as breath and HEAR HERE as breath calmly and stable as breath that is me.

Thus, not accepting or allowing myself to follow perceptions/ideas/assumptions/beliefs that form towards another as blame – but actually hear the words that are being said and in common sense self honesty communicate what I see here in the moment as breath and not accepting/allowing myself to speak in/of reaction of mind, because I know already where that road ends – NO MORE!

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stop myself from participating in such a thought/belief/perception/assumption that comes up within me, but instead accepted and allowed myself to believe that is real and true which manifested the experience of reactive emotional/feeling turmoil within me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that all that is real is breath here.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to immediately stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to participate in the reaction that came up inside of me, because of a thought/belief/perception/assumption that formed inside of me towards another – indicating already accepted and allowed self-dishonesty as shifting blame towards another for me not taking self responsibility for what is experienced within me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to ‘slow myself down here in and as breath’ when emotions and feelings surge up inside of me, but instead accepted and allowed myself to continue my self-dishonest participation in emotions/feelings of mind, which I know/understand is not who I am.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to take self responsibility for me, by assisting and supporting me to not accept/allow myself to continue participating in emotions/feelings but to remain stable, constant here in and as breath that is me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to what my mind has to say, therefore not hearing or understanding what my mother is saying, therefore not hearing or understanding me here, because I am not HERE as BREATH – but accepted and allowed myself to direct blame towards her, that she’s the one not hearing, listening or understanding = when all the while it was me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to HEAR HERE as BREATH that is me the other that is me – but instead accepted and allowed myself to listen to what my mind had to say in separation of me HERE as BREATH – already indicating that I’m not here as breath in self honesty, but accepting and allowing myself to participate in the self-dishonesty of mind in separation of me as listening to thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak in reactions of emotions/feelings of mind – instead of remaining constant, stable here as breath that is me and express me in self honest common sense as I hear the words of the other that is me.

If and when I see myself moving or about to move into the mind through the "blame towards another" pattern, I stop, breathe, remind myself that it is a pattern of me as the mind I no longer want to engage for it is not what is best for me and what is best for all, One and Equal.

When and as I see myself moving into the automatic personality of blame of "she/he is not listening to me", I stop, breathe, see if i have missed an opportunity to self-correct into Oneness and Equality from which the blame arose, if so, I forgive myself, stand up from the blame and self-correct, if not i stop, self-forgive my participation in shame as an automated response to a pattern of self-abuse and bring myself back Here in and as Breath.
I commit myself to stop myself from entertaining ideas and beliefs about "blaming another for something that I am responsible of" and from blaming myself and others as "being more or less than me", through the use of thoughts and emotions, ideas and beliefs, comparisons and games of winners and losers to establish myself as an example of how Life could be for everyone outside of the limited living of the Mind of illusions and back into Life as the Physical, One and Equal for every living Being.