Maya R's Journey To Life

[maya rote]

Day 1 - How I “should” be Vs. reality

Day 2 - What am i going to write about?

Day 3 – you snooze you lose

Day 4 - taking blame personally

day 5 - leaving my job

Day 6 - Postponement

Day 7 - Still snoozing

day 8 - what do I fear losing if I were to change - part 1

day 9 - what do I fear losing if I were to change - part 2

day 10 - Ask a stupid question – get a stupid answer

day 11 - temper tantrum game

Day 12 - The temper tantrum game – self commitment statements

day 13 - The procrastinator character

day 14 - The child/adult character

day 15 - Child/adult character creating the outsider character

Day 16 – Child / Adult Character creating Fear of Authority

Day 17 - Equal Money Excuses - Why EMS will apparently not
work

Day 18 - Sister character – part 1

Day 19 - Sister character – part 2

Day 20 - "I don't like doing things alone" character

day 21 - self judgment

Day 22 - Arguing about the Desteni material

Day 23 – Weak and Powerless

Day 24 – Cleaning table tops

Day 25 – Being a Beginner

Day 26 - Wanting to be accepted

Day 27 - Having a bad day

Day 28 - Having a bad day – part

Day 29 – Weakness

Day 30 – Redefining Weakness – Self Forgiveness

Day 31 – Weakness – Some More Self Forgiveness

and more to come...

[Rozelle de Lange]

Cool Maya,

I would suggest from here on forward, that you post your daily writings in this thread along with the link of your blog. This way, all are able to read it here and add any perspectives/support here.

Thanks for sharing and walking with.

[maya rote]

Day 32 - War and Self Interest

This morning I had an interesting experience during our morning conversation where we talked about the possibility of there being a big nuclear war. Looking at the history it's easy to see that every time there was an economic crises in the world economy, it has been "solved" through bringing about a big war, to distract the people, to create jobs, to destroy and then to build…. I don't understand how war creates money, but apparently it does. Obviously not all benefit from the money made at war, and many people will suffer and die, but nevertheless, it's the capitalistic way.

During our talk I had a "scary thought" about nuclear war in Israel (where I come from), and I was flushed by a sadness of seeing in my mind a quick image of everything and everybody being totally burned to the ground and completely wiped out, the next thought was about the suffering and death of my family and friends, and the next one was about the loss I would experience when they've all gone and I will be left an orphan within no friends/family/country, all alone.

So I'm sitting there, feeling sad and sorry for those I care about dying in a horrible/painful death, when I then realized the self-interest/deception within it all, is ones death more painful than another's? Am I sad for my loss or for their death? Am I sad for them dying or for their pain and suffering?

It suddenly hit me that people are actually dying as I am writing this blog, people are starving, people are being raped, sold as sex slaves… and there is a war going on all the time, people are being shot every day…. And I am sitting here feeling sad and sorry for the idea of my loved ones dying when actual real live people are dying in pain and suffering all the time and I don't care.

The conversation was very emotional to me, first the point of fear of loss and pain/suffering of my loved ones, and then the realization of all the suffering that is going on at the very moment, to other people, that I don't know, but they are alive and suffering and I don't fucking care. So I was faced in disbelief to my disregard of life, to my indifference to the cruelty that I am allowing as this system to go on undisturbed, while I worry about a war that hasn’t started that will perhaps hurt people I know.

I'm not sure I'm getting the point across, I know it's natural to care for those that we love, but does that mean it's ok not to care for those we don't know? Is it acceptable that people/animals are suffering while it can be prevented, but we are just allowing it because it's not our loved ones…. What the fuck!!!

As I said, I am Israeli, so we mention the memory of the holocaust every year. One major point that is brought up is how the world sat around and did nothing while so many people were slaughtered. And I ask you now, how can we sit around and do nothing while so many are being tortured by the system and do nothing??????? How can we accept all the suffering that is created by our fellow human beings and sit back and allow it. We are participating through our allowance; we are responsible through our allowance. And we must pay the consequences through our allowance. We can try to hide our responsibility behind the fact that we are not directly hurting anybody, but looking within self-honesty – is that really true? Are we not hurting ourselves as the expression of life by not standing up as what is best for all within equality and stopping the horror show that we have allowed to go on?

Self-Forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience fear towards nuclear war

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear there being a nuclear war in Israel, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into energetic reaction of fear/sadness/distress

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine the image of a nuclear war in Israel and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react emotionally to the image presentation I have created in my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my friends/family in a nuclear war and to remain all alone in the world, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place more value on my "loved ones" than on other beings just because I am 'connected' to them, not taking into consideration other people's pain/suffering just because I don't know them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be saddened by the idea of losing everybody in war because I fear being left alone, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually consider the pain/suffering of the people but only see my own suffering within self-interest within not wanting to be left alone

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the actual abuse/pain/suffering being will be going through if a war does break through and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to inly consider myself within self-interest not taking into account anything and anyone as nature/animals/people that will be harmed by a way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself of being a good/nice/caring person when in fact I am no better than any abuser that acts within self-interest because I have allowed myself to exist within/as sell-interest as who I have allowed myself to become, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as a good/caring character because it is socially more accepted in the society I come from, and thus to hide the hidden manipulations that I have allowed to be the force of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to even in the face of war/murder/painful death to choose my own self-interest as worrying about how I will be left alone within family/friends and not consider the bigger picture of all the suffering of earth/nature/animals/humans as result of war

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value one death over another

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that all men are created equally and thus all pain/suffering/death is equal to all people, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value the death/suffering of those I know, placing their lives as more valuable than other people's lives, within that actually implying that I value my life more than anyone's life because the only reason I have cared for those is because of self-interest, because I don't prefer to be left alone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer people dye in war within a starting point of resistance to have to face their suffering, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the world only from the narrow eyes of self interest instead of allowing myself to expand and be one with all life, within taking everything into consideration within realizing I am one and equal to all in existence and thus all is me as one and equal, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize myself as one and equal but instead to remain closed off in my mind as self-interest induced by fear/justifications/characters, anything to keep me trapped and not to realize myself as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately stay trapped within/as my mind because of self-interest of not wanting to take self-responsibility because I want to in fact be on top at the expense of other, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to go of the ideas of the mind to be able to free myself from the self-created/enforced prison I have been existing as, not actually living, not actually supporting myself as life, but only pretending to be alive and care about life, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually care about life as all as one as equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in separation to such a extent that people are dying within suffering/pain/abuse all around me and I do not care/do anything to stop it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to occupy myself within/as the mind and within/as self-interest activities to distract myself from actually seeing all the pain/abuse/suffering in the world because if I would in fact see it I could ignore it within the excuse of ignorance anymore

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard life as one and equal to/as myself

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I disregard life I am in fact disregarding myself as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse of ignorance to ignore life, through distracting me with my preoccupations, doing anything but allowing myself to see the actual brutal/abusive reality of existence that I have been creating and participating within/as, only to hide from myself the participation because it is too hard to admit and to look at, and thus to blame others for creating all the suffering while I have done nothing to stop it

Self Commitment
I commit myself to stop myself within as breath when I become emotional about pain/suffering of loved ones, because I have realized the deception within caring/valuing ones death over anothers, within that I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when reacting emotionally because I realize it is energizing/feeding the mind and is of no practical physical support to the situation and thus to self

I commit myself to open my eyes as to the abuse/pain going on around me and to realize within/through self-investigation my participation within/as all of it, I commit to stop hiding from myself the pain/abuse within justifications/excuses as if I had nothing to do with it because I realize that I am participating with every aspect of existence in every breath I take within the principle of equality and within not doing a thing to change it

I commit myself to building self-respect through committing myself to walking a daily process as I understand that the only point I am actually able to change is self, and thus I commit myself to change myself through writing/self-forgiveness/self-honesty/corrective statement, because I realize that is the tools I have to change myself into a being that respect life as one and equal, as I've realized that only through/as equality/oneness can this world be corrected and actually enjoyable

I commit myself to walking a daily process to change myself because I realize that if I can change anyone can change, and along as I don't change and don't stop the abusive/disregarding behavior I have accepted as myself, nothing is going to change

I commit myself to look at myself within/as self-honesty, to take responsibility for who I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become and to change myself in alignment within the principle of equality to never again allow abuse/war/suffering within myself and existence as myself

[Leila]

Cool Maya -- this also opens up the whole 'nationalism' and 'cultural heritage' and 'patriotism' thing where apparently we feel some sort of connection/bond to our country and fellow country men while being apathetic to any other country/nation and their citizens

[maya rote]

Day 33 - Fear of being kicked by a horse


here I am walking through the different dimensions of the point of fear of being kicked by a horse through


Though as a picture:
An image of a horse standing on his front two feet with his back legs up high

Where did this fear come from?
As a child we went horseback riding, and it was always something they said, like a warning, to not stand/pass behind a horse because it can kick you, and it's very dangerous. It's like the one thing my mom knows/sais about horses: "don't stand behind it so it can't kick you"

Back chat:
What is he doing? Should I walk here? Will he kick me? Is he relaxed/irritated?
I know that standing behind a horse is dangerous
How can I get to the other side without passing behind him?
Shit, what is he thinking? Does he understand me? Is he going to test me?
Am I going to be able to do this?
I'm not sure I'm up for working with horses…
Can I stop being afraid?
Ho shit, they detect fear, he'll walk all over me, I'm not sure I can do this

Imagination (play out, movie scenario):
I see a scenarios in my mind of me passing behind the horse and he kicks me in the head, and I dye, or he kicks me in my chest and breaks my rib cage, or kicks me and I fall down and he steps on me and I'm injured and in pain. All scenarios in regards to me doing something that I shouldn't have, or that could have been prevented, and the horse ends up kicking/hurting me in some way/shape/form

Reaction, emotions/feelings, energetic reaction:
Self-doubt, fear, fear of pain, fear of death, hesitation, weakness, I feel like I'm not solid, like less than myself physically, like some of me is missing physically,

Physical changes:
I approach the horse with hesitation, like I'm coming towards him and away from him at the same time – my hand is coming towards the horse and my body/back is moving back words
Within the tonality of my voice I ask him to move with a tonality of a question, going high in the end of the sentence, something like: "would you maybe mind moving?" also it is said in a soft and shaking voice

Self-forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear of being kicked by a horse when working with horses

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt by a horse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a thought of fear of horses and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing one though to possess me within allowing myself to go into emotional reaction just by that one thought coming into play within that removing myself in separation from myself as the breath here, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to through my participation within/as the thought of fear of being kicked by a horse to actually kick the breath away from myself within stopping myself as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing conversations I heard as a child direct me within my participation within/as fear of being kicked by a horse, I realize that there is common sense practicality within understanding the possible events that can occur when working/moving around horses, and thus I work/move within/as awareness not allowing myself to go into the mind within/as fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate/follow/believe the back chat coming up in my mind in relation to fear of being kicked by a horse, within that I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to occupy myself within/as back chat and within that to justify the fear as emotional reaction, thus allowing myself to stay within/as the character of fear of horses, limiting myself to a character instead of allowing myself to expand beyond it as life within/as breath, and to explore life and to actually live, not as a programed character but as life itself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to entertain myself within my mind as imagination within projection a film like scenario of being kicked/hurt by a horse and thus perpetuate the fear instead of allowing myself to within self-support to stop the imaginations through realizing that they are not supporting me as life but are supporting the mind as the abusive illusion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to watch the imagination in my mind as a short movie as entertainment within justifying and compounding the fear of being kicked by a horse, instead of stopping myself from participating as an audience to this film and allow myself to be here, practically in the physical, where I can actually take action within awareness to prevent such event to occur

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the physical changes I create within/as my body when facing the fear of being kicked by a horse, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the mind to such an extent that my physical body will change it's expression to equalize with the mind possession as fear, instead of allowing myself to be the directive principle where I align my mind to/as the hereness of my body within/as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in "mind over matter" by allowing my physical body to change as a result as my mind possession, thus indicating that my mind is the master of me and my body as the slave, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my body up to the mind within expressing myself physically according to the mind's fearful possession

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the physical changed in my body due to not allowing myself to be self-intimate within/as my body, and within that I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see the physical changes and investigate them as self-support to assist me in realizing the possession of the mind as fear of horses, to be able to bring myself back here through writing/self-forgiveness/corrective statements

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stay stable within/as breath within/as self-trust when working with horses, but instead I go into fear and allow myself to exist as/within fear within visualizing within/as my mind different scenarios that could happen that I would get hurt, I forgive myself or not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I am participating within/as thoughts as imaginations of scenarios that could happen I am at the moment not here within/as breath, not here within/as self and thus at moment of fear/thought I am actually putting myself in danger through not being here in fact to direct any situation that comes along

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself around horses and exist within a constant fear of them getting irritated and I won't notice or know what to do and I will end up getting hurt, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be here with the horse but instead be in my mind as thoughts/fear and thus create a situation where I cannot be the directive principle because I am not here within awareness to direct the situation, thus I have accepted and allowed myself to give my responsibility of myself and the horse to the mind as trusting in the mind as fear instead of building myself within/as self-trust through applying myself here in every moment within/as breath to be able to actually be here to take responsibility and direct any situation that comes along within/as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into my mind within a imagination of a picture of a horse kicking, a picture I created/stored in my mind as memory, and whenever I recall that picture memory I justify to myself the fear of horses, as if the picture is showing me the actual truth of danger within horses, instead of realizing that the picture is a self-created one dimensional image, and thus is not a "true" representation of the three dimensional reality we exist as, within this I realize that within practicality, the fear is useless and will only put me in unnecessary danger rather than help/assist me, within realizing this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe through the fear within the understanding that the only thing to fear is the fear itself, from the perspective that while I am participating within/as fear I am not here and cannot direct/take responsibility for/as the situation and thus compromise myself and the environment I am in, within this I realize that since I am the creator of the fear coming up within me, I am responsible and able to stop it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in fear instead of allowing myself to slowly but surely through stopping the mind as fear time and time again, to build self-trust within the practical understanding that I will slowly and surly learn more and more about the horses and how to handle/treat/read them, thus will become more and more aware of the situation and know what to do/act/behave within also knowing what can go wrong from a perspective of being prepared/informed within common sense, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that to fear the situation within going into my mind as thought/imaginations is what is putting me in danger in fact, within this I also realize that participating within/as fear is acting as an interruption to self, through within creating within myself an impression that I am actually doing something to protect myself from the dangers while in fact all I am doing is the contrary, and actually creating the danger through participating within/as fear.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be one and equal to/as the horses

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that working with the horses is in fact an opportunity to within working hands on within/as the physical to establish myself here within/as breath


Self-corrective
I commit myself to, when a thought manifest in my mind of fear of being kicked by a horse - to in that moment stop and breathe within realizing I am here in breath in this body, and within my participation with following the thought, I am missing another breath/moments of being alive here

I commit myself to when a thought of being kicked by a horse manifest in my mind, I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here to my physical body to the physical environment I am in, I hear the noises around me, I look at what's around me, I am here, I focus on the physical and through the physical support myself to stay out of the mind as thoughts

I commit myself to investigate information I got from my parents environment within realizing that some of it is practical and some of it is simply an accepted emotional reaction to a situation learnt by the environment and accepted by self, thus I commit myself to participate within using common sense within/as the physical, and not occupy myself within/as the mind as emotional reactions as I have realized they are merely a distraction of being here as life within/as breath

I commit myself to stopping my participation within/as back chat, within realizing they are coming from and defending a character I have created as myself, and thus I realize that my participation within/as back chat is giving power to the character and thus taking power away from self as breath as life, thus I commit myself to stopping the back chat within/as breath as it comes up I breathe and simply do not participate.

I commit myself to stopping myself within/as breath when watching the fear inducing movie in my head, within realizing that watching the movie in my head is keeping me away from myself here as breath, and thus is actually creating a dangerous situation where I am not here and cannot be responsible for the environment around me and thus cannot trust myself to be safe around the horses, thus I commit myself to when working with/around the horses to be here within/as breath and not allow myself to wonder in the movie of my mind

I commit myself to investigating my physical changes within/as mind possessions as fear of horses, and to through the body learn to detect what is going on in my mind, to be able to stop myself as the mind and to be here within/as the physical body, within/as breath

I commit myself to when working with horses to use it as a practical practice platform for being here within/as breath, and within that I commit myself to use the fear of being kicked by a horse as self-support to breathe through it and remain here as the physical, equal to the horse and what I am doing at the moment here

[Maite]

Cool, Maya - a point most of us went through when we started working with horses.

[Anna]

Very cool write-out Maya!

Thanks for sharing.

[maya rote]

Day 34 – Hiding Myself through Exposure


This blog is also related to: Day 26 - Wanting to be accepted

I've been reading other people's journey to life blogs, and I've ran into a few of them talking about being shy and afraid of opening up to people because they fear getting hurt, for example – as I read these blogs and I relate to what the being is experiencing, but my behavior is opposite, I do not close off I do not shy away, I am very expressive and talkative and I act in a way that doesn't reveal me as shy, I hide myself as being shy through being open, but I am not really open, I am acting out, I am not really expressing myself, I am expressing a character I have created myself as, the funny/open/friendly character, when in fact inside I am full of self-judgment, fear of being rejected, desire to being approved…

I learned this character from my family, they are all very outspoken, very loud, very expressive, and in my eyes, very loved and appreciated by others, so I taught myself that to be loved and appreciated by others I must express myself in a loud/funny/outgoing way, as this is what people like, and this is how I'm going to get the acceptance/love/approval I so very much yearn for, as I have not taught myself to give it to myself, thus I have created a dependency on others to supply me with the "drug of my choice" being acceptance / approval / love

I have allowed myself to become a puppet, where I act and dance and put on a show to get the audience to applaud, not allowing myself one moment of sitting back and actually breathing, slowing down within/as myself and actually expressing myself, I've been on this race to win the Oscar for best actress, having been acting so "real" that no one can see it's an act, acting so well that no one can see that in fact I am shy within myself, that I am doubting myself, that I am judging myself, that I am not sure of myself, that I just want to hide because I am so afraid of not being accepted. I hide behind the mask of exposure.

I guess this type of construct is used often, like if I don't want to be seen as something I will express that to the extreme to get all suspicions away, so it's an interesting polarity where I do not accept myself as who I am, and do not allow myself to express myself within the one side of the polarity as being shy, due to judging it as bad/wrong/unacceptable, and then I go ahead and play out a character, expressing the other side of the polarity as out-going/expressive/confident, to cover up the shameful truth of who I really am, and thus to become a deceitful actress, deceiving all around me that I claim to care about, and deceiving myself as cheating myself out of the opportunity to live as self-expression, but instead to live a lie of hiding.


Self-Forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within/as an experience of being shy / uncomfortable around people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what people will think of me, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people judging me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a desire for acceptance/approval, within a belief that if I am accepted/approved by others that means I am OK, not realizing the double deception within that belief being A): the desire to be accepted by others is indicating I am not accepting myself and thus am not OK in my own judgment thus would be cool to check for myself who I am within what I am allowing within/as myself and seeing for myself if I am OK/acceptable or not, within that changing myself accordingly within self-trust, as trusting that I will know who I am and how to change. B): being accepted by others will never indicate that I am OK, but will only indicate the norm of society and thus the society will approve only that which allows it, as society, to maintain the deception it is living as, thus if society says I am OK, it by no means indicates that I am in fact OK from a perspective of equality and oneness as what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be shy around people within an experience of not feeling comfortable within/as myself, as not knowing how to be me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed for being shy/insecure around people, within an expectation that I should always feel comfortable within/as myself, but the fact is that I don't and thus I abuse myself within self-judgment as shame for who I am within the experience of being shy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear opening up to people from fear of their judgment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear showing the real me because I fear being rejected, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to calculate what I share with people to make sure that I will be socially accepted, instead of allowing myself to express myself fully as who I am here in the moment within/as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear of judgment/rejection to such an extent that I change myself as my expression to become a character that I created as myself to be what I believe will be accepted/approved/liked, within that I forgive myself for not allowing myself to live self-honesty within/as self-expression but to manipulate and deceive myself and my environment within creating myself as a character, not allowing myself to see/realize that by becoming a character I am defending/protecting my desire to be accepted/approved thus restricting/confining myself within/as the limitations of the mind as an idea of how one should be/act/behave, thus participating within/as judgment and suppression instead of living as life within self-honesty here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expressing myself as shy/uncomfortable/unconfident because I have created an idea that being shy is weak and I want to be strong, and thus I hide myself as who I am in the moment and act within/as a character that I believe will serve me within self-interest, thus allowing myself to cheat/deceive in order to get what I want as attention/approval/love

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trap myself in a polarity of the mind as resisting/judging myself as shy/weak/vulnerable and instead present myself as confident/strong within a belief that this character will be loved/accepted and thus I will get what I want within self-interest, feeding my mind as desire for love/approval instead of living as myself here within self-dignity within self-honesty as allowing myself to be/face/see myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to become within realizing that if I hide me from myself within separation I am making it that much harder for me to face myself as who I have allowed myself to be and become and thus harder to see within self-honesty if this is who I want to be within the principle of equality as what is best for all within dignifying myself as life, and thus making it impossible for me to change, rather than allowing myself to face/see myself for who I am within shyness/uncomfortableness and from there to correct myself within investigating the why I allow myself to be shy/uncomfortable within/as myself, what am I showing myself within this point, and to correct myself from there.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by deceiving myself and others through participating in the act of the character of funny/confident I am not allowing myself to see myself within self-expression nor do not allow myself to see myself within actual real communication because I am busy hiding myself, and thus I do not actually allow myself to know myself because of the fear of who I will be if I allow myself to be me, within a deep assumption that who I am is not good enough and thus even without really knowing who I will be I hide myself just in case

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself within a deep knowing that who I am is not going to be liked/accepted/loved/aproved, because who I am is self-interest, and thus I hide myself within that very self-interest as who I am, to be sure I get the love/acceptance I want/desire, instead of facing myself within self-responsibility and allowing myself to face myself as the self-interest being that I have allowed myself to become, and from within facing myself to make a directive decision within self-honesty within/as the principle of equality and oneness and to change myself within/as breath to be able to be a being that honors self as life within self-dignity and thus rebirthing myself from the self-interest being that I am now and busy hiding, into a being that supports myself as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer to put on a mask of funny/comfortable than to face myself and correct myself within self-honesty to actually be able to express myself as funny/comfortable once I have proven to myself that I am not being directed by energy as fear and am in fact directing/expressing myself as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself within/as a character rather than allowing myself to express myself as who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being confident/outgoing is better than being shy/closed, not realizing that it is all about the starting point, and it's not about a polarity/competition between two different expressions, thus I realize that if I am existing within a polarity I have created of two expressions I am allowing myself to exist as the mind and not here as life within self-expression, thus I stop myself and breathe, and bring myself back here, I slowdown to be able to see myself as who I am in fact and not depend on the idea/value I have placed on expressions within a polarity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy my behavior from what I have seen within my family's behavior, and within that to compare myself to what I see as their expression and try to live/express myself in the same way, within that I forgive myself for trapping myself within/as an idea of how I should express myself instead of allowing myself to be myself within self-expression as within self-honesty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself believe I have to act in a specific way as a funny/confident character to be accepted by others instead of realizing myself within self-honesty, to know who I am and to accept myself within/as who I actually am, to not be dependent on the acceptance of others within the restriction I have placed upon myself to behave in a specific way to get their acceptance, but rather to accept myself as who I am as life, to from the point of acceptance to change myself within the principle of equality as what is best for all because I realize that only through changing myself within/as what is best for all will I be able to truly accept myself as life, knowing I am living within support of myself as life and not through/as the mind within fear as a character



Self-Commitment
I commit myself to when experiencing myself as shy/uncomfortable to stop and breathe, to realize that any emotional/energetic reaction is of the mind and thus not real, I am lying to myself to believe I am in fact shy/uncomfortable, thus I commit myself to bring myself back here within/as breath

I commit myself to when experiencing myself as shy/uncomfortable to stop and breathe, and to investigate what am I showing myself through this experience, who am I accepting myself to be within this experience, within this I commit myself to allowing myself to see/face myself for who I am in the moment because I realize that only through first seeing myself for who I really am will I ever be able to change myself into that which supports all life as what is best for all

I commit myself to when experiencing myself within/as fear of people, to stop and breathe, to realize that I only fear people because I have not allowed myself to know myself within self-honesty, and thus I commit to investigating myself and to finding out for myself who I am in fact, to be able to accept myself as who I am

I commit myself to stop directing myself through the fear of what people may think/judge me for, and rather to direct myself within the principle of equality as what is best for all

I commit myself to stop myself within/as the desire to be acceptance/approved within realizing that as long as I am directed by this desire I am untrustworthy for I am allowing myself to be directed by the force of self-interest instead of being self-directive as life within supporting myself as life, thus I commit myself to stopping myself as anything that I have not intentionally directed myself as, thus anything of the mind where I am not the self-directive principle I stop because I know it isn't me in fact as life

I commit myself to stop defining myself according to what others think of me through realizing that what others think/accept is only representing their own point within their process/life, and thus I commit myself to establishing self-trust to be able to look at myself within/as self-honesty and to evaluate myself to/for myself within seeing am I acting/behaving in a way that actually supports life or am I acting/behaving in a way that supports self-interest and within that to move myself accordingly

I commit myself to explore new ways of expressing myself outside of the expressions I have created myself as, as characters, within that I commit myself to exploring myself without judgment

I commit myself to getting to know me for who I am as how I have accepted and allowed myself to become, to be able to see/face myself within self-honesty without judgment, I commit myself to stopping any form of self-judgment within/as breath and to realize that every point of self-judgment is pointing at something within me I do not want to see, and thus to push myself to look further within self-honesty to show me to myself until all of me as who I am has been exposed to me

[maya rote]

Day 35 - My dog ate my Homework

I wrote a blog for today on different computer and it froze, and my initial thought was that it’s a legitimate reason to not have a blog done for today, “my computer froze” is the modern excuse for “my dog ate my home work”.

But, if I have made a commitment to myself to write and post a blog each day, then why am I looking for excuses to get out of my commitment.

Once I allow excuses to break my self-commitment it snowballs and sooner than later any little thing becomes an excuse. So this time I saw myself going into the pattern of looking for an excuse to excuse me from standing by/as the commitment I gave myself, I saw myself going into back chat such as “what can I do, I can’t be expected to write another blog, or to try to right it again…” and I hear this voice in my head in a joking tonality like it would be absurd to expect me to write again, not comprehending that I am writing for MYSELF and not for anyone else, there is no external expectation I have to obey, it’s just me and my commitment I made to/for myself, and within this I know that giving myself excuse to get myself out of the commitment I made for myself is complete self diminishment, and what would the outcome of that be? the outcome would be another point to the “mind’s team” in the accumulation game, and one less point for self within establishing myself as self trust self direction and self support.

Not to say I am in a war with my mind, but every action/decision I participate in is either supporting myself as life or is supporting myself as the mind.

So, I’m glad the computer froze, and I’m glad I had an opportunity to clear this point within/as myself – I am writing this blog for me, I have made a commitment for/as myself to support myself within walking myself out of the chains of the mind and into life.

I realize this blog is not only supporting because of the actual writing/self forgiveness/self commitments, it is supportive through it being a commitment of self dedication, through the writing of the blog, every day I commit to myself, I dedicate myself to myself as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for excuses to get out of commitments/responsibilities instead of standing within self dignity/honor and walking my responsibility within/as breath, within respecting and honoring myself as life

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to write the blog from a starting point of self support and have only written from a starting point of external commitment, not realizing that I am walking this process as/for myself within the principle of oneness and equality, thus anything within/as process that I do not do for/as myself, that I do for someone else’s expectations of me, is self deception, and will only last for that long, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize this is a process of SELF, and thus all points/motivations move from/as self or will not last, and within self motivation as self movement as self direction I realize I must will myself within every breath to make the decision, to chose myself as life, time after time, blog after blog, breath after breath, time and time again, until… well, I don’t know until when, until it is done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for excuses to not write myself blog without allowing myself to realize the self compromise within making a decision and not standing my it, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself deliberately throughout my process through braking my own word time and time again, creating myself as not trust worthy in my own eyes, to make it easier for myself to slack off and not take responsibility because I am still moved/motivated by the force of self interest, within this I realize that only through pushing/willing myself to honor myself as life, to honor my decisions, to live within a principle of what is best for all, will I be able to free myself from the chains of self interest and be able to trust myself, to respect myself and to actually enjoy myself, and not have to hide within shame of who I am as what I have allowed myself to be and exist as, through my participation within/as the mind as self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself as I give myself excuses and justifications to slack off and not stand by the decision I have made, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself into believing my own deception, not allowing myself to see the self sabotage within it, I forgive myself within this, that I have accepted and allowed myself to always look for the easy way out even after I have proven to myself time and time again, that the easy way out is in the long run the long way, and that the easy way out will never give me the outcome I am actually, really looking for, and that outcome is to be able to trust myself, to appreciate myself, to know myself for what I really am, to face my true nature as I have created myself, and to know I am directing myself to change into being the being I actually want to be, and not simply to accept myself as the being I have created myself as just because that’s the easy way out, but to take the hard way of self investigation, because I realize I’d rather see/live the ugly truth than to accept myself to live/exist as a lie, because I realize that living as a lie is not living

I commit myself to writing/posting a daily blog within the journey to life, because I realize the support it gives me to make a directive decision and stand by it, no excuses no justifications.

I commit myself to remind myself that I am in fact writing this daily blog for myself, as self support, and to remind myself the value of standing by my word/decision I have given myself, within realizing that if I break my word to myself how can I ever trust myself, and within that I realize that I have broken my word to myself many time in the past, and for each time I will have to accumulate myself as self trust, until I am actually trust worthy in my own eyes.

I commit myself to writing every day practical commitments that I can stand by, because I realize the self sabotage/deception within making big commitments “in the air” that I cannot apply, within creating another point of not standing by my commitment, thus I commit myself to be practical, so that I can actually stand by it and be able to see/assess that I am in fact standing

I commit myself to when seeing myself within giving myself excuses/justification to get out of a self responsibility I stop and breathe and remind myself the simply math of accumulation within realizing that each time I fall is remembered as accumulation within the grand equation of my life, and thus through my participation with justification/excuses I am making the path harder for me in the long run, within this I commit myself to push myself from falling in the tempting trap of justification

I commit myself to breathe, I commit myself to slow down, I commit myself to build/establish self –honesty within/as myself through the constant application of the tools as writing/self forgiveness/self corrective statements

[maya rote]

Day 36 - My relationship with food - Part 1


I have realized that through looking at my relationships to everything/everyone in my existence I will be able to regain insight to who I am within it all. it's rather funny/absurd when thinking about it, that I need to find techniques to regain insight regarding myself as I AM myself… but apparently I have worked hard all my life to hide myself from myself and I have reached a point that it isn't clear to me who I am and what I have become. I say this from a perspective of, for instance, I don't know why I do certain things, in particular things that I know are not supporting me in any way and are in fact hurting/abusing me and/or my environment, but still I do them. Furthermore, I do them within self-justifications/deceptions/manipulation so I don't see clearly what exactly it is that I am doing.

I've been living my whole life abusing myself but hiding it from myself within justifications, and now I've decided that it's time to face myself within the creation of/as myself, it's time to take responsibility for this shit, and face who I have allowed myself to become, to be able to stop the abuse through/as a self-directive decision, to allow myself to see me for who I am, no judgment, just a commitment to change myself so that I can be trusted, so that I can trust myself, so that I trust myself that I will not abuse myself or anyone else and then try and hide it with justifications/manipulations.

So I do this now through investigating my relationships, within realizing that I am equal to my relationships, I am equal to what I allow within/as my relationships, thus by looking at / investigating my relationships I will get insight into myself.

I start with my relationship towards food:

I need food to survive, I enjoy eating, eating/meals is a social event, when food is served I take a lot, I eat until I am really full, eat to the point where it makes me feel heavy, not a good feeling, but I don't stop earlier, if I stop eating before I'm really full I feel deprived, when I see other people eating I want to eat too even if I wasn't hungry or thinking of food, after eating a lot I judge myself for it, feel bad for eating "too much" because I don't want to get fat and I see that as the direct consequences of me eating too much, I like eating "healthy" foods it makes me feel good about myself, I don't like throwing food away "it's a waste" so I'll prefer eating it or save it for later, I eat when I am bored, when I am looking or something to do within an experience of emptiness and I turn to food to fill me

There is a basic fear of not having enough food, a worry of getting hungry later and not having any food to eat, thus I will take more than what I should eat out of fear of not having enough, and within that I actually create a shortage to those in my environment because I took too much, but as I'm feeding myself I don't consider any one but my self-interest as the fear of survival, in the moment of truth it's more important to me that I am fed properly than that others are fed, then after I have placed the food in my plate, while we are eating I will feel guilty/bad for taking too much, especially if I see someone didn't get enough, and then I will eat everything off my plate to justify the large portion of food I took, making sure that no one else will think that I took more than I can handle and judge/blame me for taking too much and causing a shortage for others, so I force myself to eat it all, as justification for taking too much, instead of allowing myself to see how much I actually needed to eat and learn from my "mistake" to next time take less. But I am so busy in justifying taking too much that I'll force myself to eat it all, even if it's physically painful, just to be able to reassure myself that I didn't really take too much because have a look I finished it all.

Another point that comes up when I fill up my plate is that I fear people will look at my portions and judge me for eating a lot, so even if everybody had enough still I will fear the judgment eyes of others thinking "wow, look at how much she is eating", this judgment is related to how I see myself as fat, because the full back chat would actually be: "no wonder she is fat, look at how much she is eating…"

When I really like the food, I'll take seconds, many times I'm not hungry any more but I'll take more food because I want to have more of the good stuff, I want to consume more of it, I figure f I don't eat it then someone else will because it's so good and then I'll be deprived, so I'll eat more now to compensate in a way of the possibility of not having any more left for later.

The result of my relationship with food is actual physical abuse, as I feel physically bad after the meal, I feel heavy and bloated, also it causes weight gain and thus enhanced the construct of feeling/judging myself for being fat which is another point within my relationship to food, there is like a love/hate relationship, because I love food but it makes me fat and I hate myself as fat, within the 'fat' point I don't like the idea of being on a diet or monitoring my food intake, because I judge it as superficial/vain so in spite of myself I will "eat as much as I want I what I want" as if to cover up the vanity I exist as within judging myself for being fat and desiring myself to be skinny.

Another point is temptation, if there is something I really like, for instance chocolate/cake, I will eat it even if I'm really very full, just because I want to enjoy the taste, even if my general experience isn't of enjoinment because my entire body is suffering from eating too much, but I can't say no to the treat, and I'll eat it just to satisfy my self-interest temptation, instead of doing what's best for all my body and just saying no to the temptation because I know the end result is my suffering. Yet, I will allow enjoy the momentary fulfillment of the temptation at the expense of the well-known consequences as physically suffering and self-judging due to it

I see within this that I've been using food as self-abuse, as physical abuse through eating too much up to a point that I am physically uncomfortable instead of using food as a practical physical support as nurturing my physical body, I've used food as a tool for self-judgment where I judge myself for being fat and then support that judgment with/through overeating, where I see within it like a form of punishment, where, since I judge myself for being fat, I punish myself within overeating, I see also a point of giving up of ever being skinny so I sabotage myself within overeating, instead of not allowing myself to abuse myself in such a way, where I make eating/food, through overeating, into a bad thing that supports my self judgment

another point within my relationship to food construct is where I get something to eat out of boredom, like there is an emptiness within me and I will fill it up with food, or I feel like something but don't know what it is that I want and I'll satisfy this uneasiness with food, it doesn't really solve the point but it postpones it for a few bites.

I see within myself that I do not want to let go this relationship I have with food, I want to hold on to my addiction, I have excuses coming up "but I don't want to be on a diet" showing me the polarity I have created in regards to food, instead of allowing myself to eat as self support, I have been eating as a way to create energy within/as me, not the physical energy needed to support the body but the emotional energy needed to feed the mind, within the contrast/polarity and self judgment and lack of self direction with it all.

So I don't want to let go, I want to hold on to my addiction, but I realize that is the pattern of addiction, and thus I stand within/as myself and direct myself to stop the addiction to food, within firstly writing myself to freedom within applying self forgiveness, I will myself to stop myself as the addiction, to trust myself that I am supporting myself through food and not abusing myself within/as the energy I consume through it

Self-Forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to physically abuse myself through overeating

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take more than I require due to fear of survival within self interest of making sure that I have enough while not taking into consideration those in my environment, and within that to create through my over-consumption a lack, a shortage, and thus to manifest that which I fear as lack of food through my participation as being directed by the fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat until I am really full up to a point that I create myself physical pain/uncomfortability instead of allowing myself to stop eating before that point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel deprived if I stop eating before I am really full not realizing that feeling deprived is based on an idea created within/as the mind, and thus is not real in fact, what is real is that through my allowing myself to be directed by this feeling of being deprived I am in fact abusing myself as the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for overeating because of not wanting to get fat, instead of investigating the initial starting point of overeating and thus creating another layer to the pattern of overeating through participating within/as self judgment derived from the idea of how I should look within comparing myself to that ide and judging myself for not living as it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat only because others are eating instead of eating as self support when my body requires it and not based on the visual trigger of others eating

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not limit myself within the amounts of food I eat and only limit myself through physical pain, thus through actually abusing myself to the point of pain

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create energetic relationships with food/eating and thus not allow myself to eat as physical support but to abuse eating as a way to suppress myself and what I am experiencing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use food within/as an energetic relationship instead of using it as physical nutrition for my body

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to eat as physical support as nurturing my body, but instead to eat from a starting point of the mind, within using food as a way to suppress myself through eating as preoccupying myself within/as food instead of allowing myself to see/face myself as who I have accepted/allowed myself to be and to through self forgiveness/writing change myself into an effective trust worthy being

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the point I am hiding from myself within the point of overeating

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see what is the starting point within/as overeating

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate/face who I am within overeating

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat as a form of suppression, creating physical pain/discomfort to distract me from the mind discomfort I am experiencing but do not want to allow myself to see/face

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to eat as a way to feel better, as if everything is OK with me, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get comfort from eating, as a form of drug as a way to zone off the pain/discomfort

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see not eating as a form of punishment, like I would be punishing myself to deprive myself of the enjoinment of eating something, within that not allowing myself to make a self directed decisions to how to support myself as my physical body through eating comfortable portions at comfortable times within "listening" to my body and eating as self physical support

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the idea that not eating is a punishment and thus I separate myself further from myself as the physical body within eating at all times when ever a trigger comes up regardless to how my physical body is feeling in regards to consuming more food at the moment

I forgive myself for judging myself now, within writing self forgiveness, for not allowing myself to see the actual point within my relationship to food, within that I forgive myself for not allowing myself to breathe, to be here within/as self forgiveness and allowing myself to walk it one breath at a time as I unfold/expose myself to myself within/as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect from myself to see the point in the moment and I haven't allowed myself to realize within this that I am walking a process and slowly but surely I will open more and more points as I allow myself within self honesty, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to bare with myself and to allow myself to breathe through/as process as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore myself as the physical body when I as my physical body am showing/signaling myself to stop eating


Self-Commitments
I commit myself to further investigate this point as I see that I have not yet reached the core point/cause within this construct of overeating

I commit myself to stop myself within/as self judgment when I see myself judging myself for not seeing the point directly, within that I realize that opening myself up to/as myself will take time as I build self trust, as I must trust myself to open up to myself, within that showing to myself my relationship with self as not yet establishing self trust, within this I commit myself to walk a process of establishing self trust within realizing that self trust is the basis for a supportive relationship within/as self towards self.

I commit myself to slow myself down within breath as I am eating, to give myself a chance to be aware of my physical body as it signals when I should stop eating, within this I commit myself to listening to my physical body and not ignore it when it is signaling me to stop eating

I commit myself to build a supportive relationship with myself as my physical body through not allowing myself to abuse myself as the physical body within/as overeating