Marco's writing

[mar]

***** ADMIN NOTE - Some of Marco's Self Forgiveness statements were removed due to explicit content. ****

I can begin with a litlle argument i had with my girlfriend this morning in the bed.
Little argument because i always have "little arguments" because i quite always end up with the point "ok if you don't like this i'll do it for you to show you how much irrelevants and stupids are your points of discussion" so she can't replays me and she feels "stupid" and within this winning the fight and feeling superior.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to always want to "win a fight" intending a relationship as a fight/dispute in moving from a polarity to another and in seeing a partner as a mere instrument used to confirm the points of view of my ego and so abusing her instead of respecting her as a human being/life as one as all as equal to me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to intend life as a movement through polarity from an opposite to an other and mostly in a movement of energies in which at the moment i'm addicted to exactly like a drug.
Energy gives me the power illusion to be more then who i am and when the effect ends i go into abstinence (for the law of balance) as a low energy status and then i perceive myself as less then who i am and then i find myself applying all sort of techniques to have "another dose" of energy without realizing that i'm a complete slave/directed by it as i see it as both the solution and the problem of my life.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to energy in the real sense of the word "addiction" without realizing that in me the energy behave exactly like a drug: it gives me a sense of euphoria-egemony-control-power-superiority and i justify this in viewing the "objective perspective" that when i'm full of energy i can phisically obtain quite everything i want in a James Bond style (charm-money-friends-girls-drinks-winning challenges-power over the others to show and expose like a trophy) without realizing that honestly i don't even want these things and in having them i'm litterally manipulating other persons through infusing them fear or reading their believes to find ways to validate them for having their gratitude/respect/availability or trying to instill movement of energies in them with push and pull and hipnosys tecniques to make them admire me to feel superior not for a real and honest needing but only to say "yeah i've conquered you too" like a picture in a sticker album. Also if i sensed all these i've always lived the excuse: "I'm really not physically arming no men and if i abuse them in other ways it's for the law of the strongest and women like being abused/controlled because it's their nature".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to live the statement "this is the world of men" because of the law of the stongest that is applied between men and this is the way where life has a "meaning" and so women are infeorior because they are only the instruments/checkers of the match played by men to prove them who is the strongest. So women are the "bearers of problems" with the purpose to make the life "interesting to be lived and played" and where the value/strength of a men can be measured in how many problems and many women can cope with and make happy and using sex like the proof that they have "win" with also making the distinction in "type of sex" and "type of woman" to add more or less personal value instead of living as self expression in self honesty with everybody as all as one as equal without triyng to be "more than".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to make "definition of genere" like women "are" and men "are" all these for triyng to live an "easier life" and to have all the answers ready and always available without having to be self honest and to take responsibility to respect me as life as all as one as equal because RESPONSIBILITY REQUIRES A LOT OF ENERGY.

I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR HAVING AXCEPTED AND ALLOWED MYSELF TO ASSOCIATE THE CONCEPT OF ENERGY TO RESPONSIBILITY WITHOUT REALIZING THAT RESPONSIBILITY IS A PRINCIPLE AND SO IT DOESN'T REQUIRE ENERGY BECAUSE IT IS INFINITE.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for using the desteni material to win arguments to basically tring to change the others instead to focus on myself and within this to shift the responsibility of myself from me to another being because of the excuse that "if i've been abused it's your fault instead of my fault because i've already been abused then somebody makes me incomplete before you then i cannot take responsibility for myself because currently i'm an INCOMPLETE BEING therefore i cannot take self-responsibility for me" therefor in explaining you how you are abusing me --> I'm abusing you exactly how i felt being abused and therefore i'm acting a revenge towards you triyng to make you feel how i perceive i've been abused to "take back" what i perceive have been stolen from me instead to realize that i'm me and nothing can be taken from me and i've been responsible for me as before as now and that if i 've lived the "being stolen of something" is because of me that i've allowed myself to perceive myself playing the game/construct/perception of being stolen of something without having taken the responsibility of who i am as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to always trying to find the answers of "who i am" and "why i behave like this" in my parents behaviour not for taking further informations from it but for only trying to shift my responsibility and toblame somebody else out of me or blaming the period of life or blaming the so defined "young and stupid myself" so to justify an ate towards myself when i was not "enlightened" instead of looking at myself as myself and nothing more or different.

----

Within myself i commit myself to stop the participation of the thought that implies me the movement of energies in trying to detoxing from it.

I commit myself to reoccur after on the first point where self this forgiveness started cause i have rambled too much....

[Garbrielle]

Hi Mar,

Thanks for sharing here, very cool start in your self forgiveness in English. A suggestion to help you expand more in your commitment statements, is to make a commitment statement for each/most of self forgiveness statement, so thus the commitment statements touch apon the forgiveness that you have written. WIthin the commitment statement, it's too give yourself a physical practical self movement and understand to help transform the faulty living walked in the self forgiveness to a real change you can live in your life. So for instance with your SF statement:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to always want to "win a fight" intending a relationship as a fight/dispute in moving from a polarity to another and in seeing a partner as a mere instrument used to confirm the points of view of my ego and so abusing her instead of respecting her as a human being/life as one as all as equal to me.

You could State for example,

I commit myself to when I see I go into the energy of desiring to win, stop and breath, and speak the words 'stop delete' as I realize that I am equal and one to my partner, as this desire to win is just a point of ego trying to gain dominance. So to use communication with my partner, to sort out the points that are not aligned in equal communication, so thus we can stand as equals in equal understanding and start to live this as well.

This giving physical direction to self helps me to within giving a physical action, like speaking the words 'stop delete', to bring myself back to the physical so I can gain a point of stability in myself to quiet the mind, and thus stop the thoughts, energies, and walk the physical as the commitment I stated.

[mar]

"stop delete" ?

Some months ago i found the word "reset" and i imagined a computer that instantly shut down and restarts again with the black monitor. That image was very effective in helping me to not participate in the thoughts but i stopped using it cause it seemed to me like a mental manipulation or "external tool" separated from me... you know like the PNL or figuratives tecniques to manipulate your mind ecc...

Do you think it can be usefull ? Maybe only the word without the mental image ?

[Rozelle de Lange]

Hi Marco,

By stating the words "stop, delete" one is moving oneself within and from a point of directive self-movement within the specific event by actually stopping ones participation within/as the pattern which one is facing.

I would suggest investigating the point of

it seemed to me like a mental manipulation or "external tool" separated from me

, and to from this move self to apply specific self-forgiveness in relation to having separated self from the simple self-directive act of stopping. Within this also look specifically at the point of suppressing what self is facing within such moments, as 'mental manipulation' would imply that one is manipulating self into not facing a point and taking self-responsibility for it.

Then 'play' with the point, meaning test for yourself this living act of stopping self's participation within the specific patterns which self has committed to stopping, until it is as simple as breathing, where self lives the act of stopping from a point of self-directed self-movement.

So - "Stop and delete" is the same living act of 'I stop and I do not allow myself to participate within these thoughts/feelings/emotions/beliefs/pictures/memories etc. any further".

[Anna]

Thanks for sharing Marco.

[mar]

It's difficult for me stopping the "rush of energy", mostly when i perceive a form of attack and challenge also seen on tv and i really identify me too much.

I can litterally feel this energy through my body and i've practiced to enlarge it really much through these years: i have used it to manipulate people to scare men and attract girls and often in boxing to punch very hard litterally in a bruce lee style. At the moment i think it's very "cristallized" (?) in me at the point that i realize that i'm participating in the energy construct when the rush it's almost ended and then i feel guilty for haven't stopped me in time. (fogiveness on this point soon...)

It's only a matter of continue practicing ? Is there any suggestion or any other application for energy specifically ?

[mar]

almost forgotten...

you are wellcome Anna ! Really hope this will be usefull for anybody.

[Leila]

It's difficult for me stopping the "rush of energy", mostly when i perceive a form of attack and challenge also seen on tv and i really identify me too much.

I can litterally feel this energy through my body and i've practiced to enlarge it really much through these years: i have used it to manipulate people to scare men and attract girls and often in boxing to punch very hard litterally in a bruce lee style. At the moment i think it's very "cristallized" (?) in me at the point that i realize that i'm participating in the energy construct when the rush it's almost ended and then i feel guilty for haven't stopped me in time. (fogiveness on this point soon...)

It's only a matter of continue practicing ? Is there any suggestion or any other application for energy specifically ?

Yes it's going to be a matter of 'practicing' as continuously applying/correcting yourself. You created this pattern over time through repetition and so you're going to have to correct this pattern the same way within consistency.

After you do your Self Forgiveness, also write out a Practical Script, within the Practical Script you are writing out your correction/new pattern that you want to live, and will assist in 'catching' yourself when you're going into the energy rush and thus stopping/correcting yourself.

Here's a blog from Maite on Self Corrective Statements which can you give you some additional insight: Effectively Scripting your Future

Though I suggest you use the following structure for Practical Scripts (since we've specified it since Maite's blog was written):

When and as I see myself (Trigger-Point/Pattern)……………………………., I stop and breathe.
(Self-realization statement about the Pattern)
I commit myself to (Correction)……………………………

[Maya]

It's difficult for me stopping the "rush of energy", mostly when i perceive a form of attack and challenge also seen on tv and i really identify me too much.

I can litterally feel this energy through my body and i've practiced to enlarge it really much through these years: i have used it to manipulate people to scare men and attract girls and often in boxing to punch very hard litterally in a bruce lee style. At the moment i think it's very "cristallized" (?) in me at the point that i realize that i'm participating in the energy construct when the rush it's almost ended and then i feel guilty for haven't stopped me in time. (fogiveness on this point soon...)

It's only a matter of continue practicing ? Is there any suggestion or any other application for energy specifically ?

To add to Leila's support, here is a vlog i've made as a practical support one can assist oneself with, when the mind takes over:
How to stand when the Mind Protests - Journey to Life

[mar]

Thankyou Maya.
I think something very similar happened me some months ago.
I was on the balcony at night and my girlfriend inside the room. We weren't speaking to each other because something in me was "wrong" and i was closed and locked into myself. Then i went outside and started screaming inside me "what's happening ? why ?" then the mind answers..... "i hate you stupid bastard ! I hate you !" My mind was screaming like never before.... it was almost as hearing another person..... than i breathed and said "i'don't hate me" and that was so cool !

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having separated me in opposed entities instead of realizing that i'm me and i'm complete.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having impersonated the concept of hating for having been directed by it.


In addition to the previous time:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my perspective towards women as "bearers of problems" derives straight from my mother and from how i've lived her and within this i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having done the association my "mother=women kind" only because i have allowed myself to make the statement: "the woman who gave me the life is my GOD then there won't exist any women different from her in my life, so i have to check all my mothers behavior in all of the women i see and in this perspective i will choose my friends and girlfriends".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not realize that because i'm the principal scapegoat of my mother for everything she allows in her life i allow myself to feel rejected from her and that's the reason why i have always looked for girlfriends and friends with her characteristics: for triyng to be accepted from the figure i have of my mother as god.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the figure of god also derive from her vision of me as "her creation" so she thinks she has power over me as she had said me sometimes "i have done you, i undo you !" as for example when she says that she has maintained me all this time and i have only to be gratefull to her for make me doing everything she asks me instead of realizing that i've given her the power and allowed myself to make me feel like this and therefor i've to take responsibility for myself as for the way i've allowed her to look at me as the way i look at her.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this can participate in my old vision of god as atheist because god cannot exist and if it exists he doesn't love you and is a fucking capricious bastard with a lot of powers and no self esteem and within this i understand why i hated so much the "believers": because in self honesty i was a beliver too, beliving in "the god mother" and then i envied them because i perceived that they belived that the god they were preying was loving them instead mine didn't love me !

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for havin felt and perceived myself inferior to my mother in the biggest sense of it as it is the polarity of power of life and death over me instead of stand up for myself as all as one as equal.

more soon