Zak wrote:The point of seeing my mum speaking frustrated words to my father, seeing her cry at her inability to effectively communicate with him, feeling within my self a tight-low energetic void in my chest, like an implosion, judging myself for just trying to walk past her and ‘pretend’ that I didn’t see her tears. I fear that if I did turn and look at her and then start talking to her, that I would also start crying, and this is what I see myself participating in at those moments, ‘shit, I don’t want to be known nor seen as the one that cried’. Hearing her in this moment right now, asking my father to ‘stop talking’, with almost shaky voice, I feel that deep hollow space inside my chest.
Here the point of support must be you for yourself before trying to support another - see, this is how we go compromising ourselves into experiences that are others' processes that each one will be walking and facing as themselves. The fact that you reacted means you then participated in the entire event and thus suggestion is to always first support you before trying to support someone else.
So see that this requires a lot more writing for you-yourself to see what it is that's actually contained within the reaction as wanting to cry - is it sadness, anger, frustration - you start seeing what is it in fact that 'hurts' looking at - from there you forgive yourself because within that you can actually see that first you've got to stop you from participating in these reactions to then be able to be a living example of how it is that each one must stand and face their reality within the realization that we cannot direct ourselves as patterned-reactions based on emotions and feelings.
I understand that this is 'harsh' to see and experience yet it is their entire creation, there is no point in you feeling low about it because you cannot change anything about it. They will have to face their own process and you face yourself, you support you- you are here and you are already self forgiving yourself to realize that with you reacting, you're actually not supporting yourself - yet it is a momentary ability to see what is here existing as you and from there stand up and correct through forgiving yourself and then seeing what it is best to live as self as what's best for all.
Within looking at parents as authority still, you realize that you first have to get to that point of equality wherein no more fear is experienced towards them - wherein you see yourself in that situation that they've created and that you can only support when you have in fact first supported you - if possible - I mean there's many people in this world that simply won't do anything to support themselves, and so we cannot force them or want them to stop and change.
Once you start realizing that everything we're facing is the manifested consequences of our actions, of ourselves, we stop judging the outcome, we stop being overwhelmed by the consequences because: we've created them ourselves. SO reacting upon this won't do a thing but continue the cycles of self-deprecation as the mind, as emotions and feelings that do not in any way support us as who we really are.
[/quote]I suggest then more writing to actually see yourself within this. who you are besides how you see your 'father' or your 'mother' - allow everything that needs to 'get out' to be let out by you with proper understanding that it is simply not supporting you in any way.
ok - breathe - and by this I mean be here without reacting further but take it step by step, moment by moment - certainly realizing that you can only focus on sorting out you first.
Thanks for sharing and keep writing and supporting yourself here
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