Zakaria's Blog

[Zakaria Husain]

The point of trying to teach my brother how to do something that I could sense that he could not do, I told him to grab the paper that was on fire, there was a ‘jock’ like position that I took on, an anger based motivational ‘tasker’ saying ‘do this, do that, don’t do that’. The feeling that I got when I looked up and realised people were watching me, I experienced a bit of shame, which I tried to remedy, by showing ‘that I cared’ by making him have the blackberry yogurt I made

I forgive myself for having allowed myself to participate in the action ‘trying to get my brother to do something that I knew there was a strong possibility of him not being able to do’.

I forgive myself for having allowed myself to participate in the thought-feeling complex of ‘he is so young and helpless, he must be able to help himself, he must learn this now, this is ‘tough’ love, if he does not learn it now, he might die from not being able to care for himself, and that’s fucked’.

I forgive myself for having then allowed myself to participate in the action personality of ‘being a jock’, and ‘training’ him to do things based on angry egoic motivation.

I forgive myself for then allowing myself to participate in the point of shame and self judgement as I looked up and saw other people looking at me, I imagined them all thinking ‘oh god, he is being so cruel, I must just smile and watch, I should not say anything, he probably does love him’.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to simply act practically and ‘show’ him instead of ordering him to do things, I direct myself to breathe practically and teach what is practically useful to him, not from a starting point of energy, but from a starting point ofequality, breath, and oneness

The point of being scared of some of the writing and self forgiveness i have had written down, experiencing a bodily tightness at the thought of sharing, after it 'has been a while since i participated''

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in fear of sharing 'some parts' of my writing and self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in a bodily tightness at the idea of it,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what others might 'think'

I forgive myself for having allowed myself to participate in the thought 'shit, this is embarassing stuff, i dont want anybody to know this, they will think im a twit, and if they think that, i will experience that hot and flustered feeling, like when somebody finds out 'my secret' and they are all looking and thinking 'wtf?'.

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to be defined by this thought

I direct myself to stop, identify, and understand, in each instance that I see myself doing this.

The absolute fear I had on the phone to the person I was talking to about the internet, I was in absolute fear of the garbled jumble of words coming out my mouth, only sometimes being able to talk lucidly. A nervousness gripped me, thinking ‘shit, he thinks im a twat, and that I am disabled, and that I am just as much of a quack as his hold man’.

I forgive myself for being in a state of absolute fear,

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be in fear of the person I was talking to on the phone,

I forgive myself for believing ‘he is sounding smart and as if ‘he knows it all’, he is thinking im a dipshit and that I am dumb’,

I forgive myself for having allowed myself to be in a state of fear at the jumbled up words I was speaking, and the quick micro topic movements that made my conversation seem like gibberish.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge myself as a ‘lower being’, for not being able to speak properly to him.

I forgive myself for having allowed myself to move from topic to topic in a rampaging effort to get what I was trying to say ‘across to him’

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be in and continue in a subtle state of anger at him, ‘he is such a bastard, I hope he gets what is coming to him, he is probably a real asshole’.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to be with the body and as the breath,

I forgive myself for allowing myself to breathe quickly and shortly,

I direct myself to breather slowly and deeply,

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed an accumulated sense of extreme nervousness,

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to exist in an extreme sense/perception/self judgement of inferiority.

I direct myself to see, identify, write down, understand, and forgive all these moments where I place myself in a position of inferiority.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in the thought of ‘shit, he thinks im a twat now, and that im disabled, and trying to act cool, and that I was actually as thick as shit, and that I am just as much of a quack as my old man’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist with a time accumulated self-comparison point where I compare myself to my dad, and try to deny I have any of his short comings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the judgement of 'my father has shortcomings, my father is going senile, I dont ever want to go senile, and I want him to stop being so senile'.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge my father as an embarassing extension of myself

i forgive myself for not allowing myself to see my father and my mother from a point of equality.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge and percieve my parents and family, from the starting point of shame.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become defined by shame to such a point that I start having physical repurcussions, in that my voice will go weak, or i will go weak at the knees.

The points seem to have gone onto my father, as well as the point of shame/self shame. Will be going into that.


Zakaria H

[Maya]

Hi Zakaria! thanks for sharing- really cool self support.
it's really cool that you've slow down and are able to see the thoughts as back chat.
as you saw for yourself, in essence, the point that you are working with is basically projecting self judgment towards and through other people. the fear of what others would think about us is a manipulation point wherein self projecting judgment through other people thoughts, to not see and realize that in essence, self is the one who judge self.
how I work with self judgment through projecting it on others is as following - when and as i see myself access self judgment, i stop, I breath and I bring myself back here. I turn it back to self and investigate what is that i'm judging myself for, where am i not yet align with myself equal and one as principles of what is best for all. I apply specific Self Forgiveness, standing up and within that changing myself.

[Cathy]

Welcome here Zakaria - Thanks for sharing

[Jozien]

Cool thanks for being grateful for yourself and enjoy!

[Zakaria Husain]

Point of taking a day off, all the back-chat I see within myself whenever I ‘don’t go somewhere, where I am obliged to be, i.e. work/school’, the generic thought ‘shit, if I don’t go in today, I might be letting the teacher (or somebody) down, I might be letting the kids down, what if today of all days they REALLY needed me, what if I get replaced and they realise, ‘hey, this guy wasn’t that great at what he did, we should have this new person from now on, and tell zak to go somewhere else’. I see within myself the ‘fear’ of being replaced, by someone who is ‘better’. The point is dissipating but is still somewhat there;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in constant back-chat when I am not at work or ‘somewhere where I should be’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become defined by the fear-thought of letting the teacher ‘down’,

I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I am letting the kids down too.

I direct myself to see and fully comprehend the gravity of my delusion, I am not letting the kids down when I don’t go in, I let the kids down whenever I participate in a breath from a starting point of energy, mind, emotion, thought, and separation.

I direct myself to see the fact of the point that it is not in the interest of the children or indeed life, if I am there as a mind-system presence rather than just being there/here with my breath and physical body. Its that simple.

I forgive myself for having always allowed myself to participate in the same resonant thought of ‘what if today…’ (they really need me – being the variation in this instance).

I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in these thoughts of ‘what if this, what if that’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought stream of ‘what if I get replaced and they realise that I am a piece of crap, who is rubbish at being a teaching assistant’, I hence forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in this imagery projection/back-chat of ‘shit, we should just have this new person in stead of Zak’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a fear of being replaced by someone who is ‘better’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by this point of emotional/thought/imagery projection, along with the subsequent back-chat, leading to a confinement of myself within this mind induced prison

I forgive myself for allowing myself to become ‘hemmed in’ by all these various different tools that my mind used to push me into a corner

[abdul]

Nice Zakaria ! Thumbs up

[Zakaria Husain]

Thanks everyone,

Thank you Maya, your process on self judgement has helped me, and I have been 'mulling' it over, slowly applying it to everyday moments. Its getting better

I see a constant ‘fighting’ within myself,’ should I do this first or that, if I go and cycle and smoke green, there is a chance that I will look like an early morning drug addict, and I don’t want to be perceived like that, what if my family notice it when I get back, and this leads to some consequence in the future, I should just go to wood green first and get my rebounder, and THEN come back and get fucked, because that way I will feel more comfortable, not having to ‘go out again’ fucked’. There has been a constant push n pull for the last 20 minutes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a ‘fighting with myself’,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get trapped into a polarity game of yes or no to a certain specific action,

I forgive myself for allowing myself to be ‘pulled and torn’ by the question of whether or not to go and have a joint or not.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to on one side, be paranoid about the self judgement projection of ‘shit, I will look like an early morning drug addict, everyone will see my eyes, and think ‘yeh he is fucked’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that they will then judge me according to the indexes of judgement I myself hold within myself i.e. they will group and categorise me in the same way I would if I ‘saw’ someone ‘in my position’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by the thought ‘I don’t want to be perceived ‘like that’,

I forgive myself for allowing myself to be fear being thought of ‘negatively according to preordained belief sets of what it means to be ‘bad’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in paranoia of what my family might ‘think’ of me if they ever caught me smoking green,

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear any possible consequence this may cause in the future,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought-stream of ‘I should go shopping first, then get fucked, because that way I will feel more comfortable when ‘getting fucked/high’, not having to go out again to get fucked.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to be caught into this polarity game of yes and now thoughts,

I forgive myself for allowing myself to rationalise my actions according to ‘what is best for me as my ego as self representation’

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear stopping smoking green and cigarettes

I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that my life will be ‘boring’ without them

Will probably be dealing with more points of self judgement of self within the context of how I ‘wish’ to be perceived by others, as well as my fear of ‘stopping’, this fear of stopping crossing many sectors of my life, like smoking, and watching people on you tube splurge verbal diarrhea, and just ‘watching shit’, to ‘make mind feel comfortable’ and ‘at ease’.

[Zakaria Husain]

The point of seeing my mum speaking frustrated words to my father, seeing her cry at her inability to effectively communicate with him, feeling within my self a tight-low energetic void in my chest, like an implosion, judging myself for just trying to walk past her and ‘pretend’ that I didn’t see her tears. I fear that if I did turn and look at her and then start talking to her, that I would also start crying, and this is what I see myself participating in at those moments, ‘shit, I don’t want to be known nor seen as the one that cried’. Hearing her in this moment right now, asking my father to ‘stop talking’, with almost shaky voice, I feel that deep hollow space inside my chest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an energetic reaction to seeing and hearing my mother being frustrated at my father,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate feelings of rage, extreme sadness, and fear of ‘pointing it out it’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in extreme fear of telling my father that his actions and words seem to ‘be getting further away from reality’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in feelings of sadness at this thing\consequence I see unfolding within his actions and his words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in and be defined by the energy reaction of a deep negative tightness/implosion within my chest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ‘comforting’ my mother,

I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that there is such a thing as ‘comforting’,

I forgive myself for allowing myself to hence participate in a reaction-thought to the belief system of ‘I must comfort’, by ‘pretending’ to walk away like I didn’t see anything, or that I ‘don’t care’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that ‘if I turned to look and talk to her, then I would fall into energetic reaction of tears and emotional-speech outflow that it would not be able to control’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the back-chat of ‘shit, I don’t want to be known as the one that cries/cried, and I don’t ever want to be seen crying’.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I will have no choice but to experience/fall into extreme embarrassment

I forgive myself for allowing myself to be controlled by the thoughts and beliefs I hold about being embarrassed

I forgive myself for allowing myself to be ruled and moved by the image/picture/projection I have of it being a ‘bad thing’ that ‘shouldn’t be experienced’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in another moment of a negative imploding feeling within my chest at seeing my mother speaking the words ‘stop talking’ with a shaky voice,

I forgive myself for then allowing myself to overlay a set of beliefs, projections, and emotions

I forgive myself for then allowing myself to believe in a very small voice in my mind ‘shit, this will eventually kill her, and I don’t want her to die

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘fear’ my mother dying

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then fear that I would not be able to ‘take care’ of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking care of myself and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by these point of fear of taking self responsibility, and the subsequent downward outflow of this thought which was, I don’t want my mother to die, because it is my mother who ‘takes care of me’

I direct myself to breath through this point of being in an energetic ‘low’,

I direct myself to be aware of the breath and the body as it is happening and effectively breathe through it without feeding it with compounding thoughts and emotions as well as projections of loss and lack,

I direct myself to stop compounding this feeling until I get steady enough to ‘roll it back’ to the point where it does not happen anymore in moments of ‘parent anxiety’.

[Marlen]

The point of seeing my mum speaking frustrated words to my father, seeing her cry at her inability to effectively communicate with him, feeling within my self a tight-low energetic void in my chest, like an implosion, judging myself for just trying to walk past her and ‘pretend’ that I didn’t see her tears. I fear that if I did turn and look at her and then start talking to her, that I would also start crying, and this is what I see myself participating in at those moments, ‘shit, I don’t want to be known nor seen as the one that cried’. Hearing her in this moment right now, asking my father to ‘stop talking’, with almost shaky voice, I feel that deep hollow space inside my chest.

Here the point of support must be you for yourself before trying to support another - see, this is how we go compromising ourselves into experiences that are others' processes that each one will be walking and facing as themselves. The fact that you reacted means you then participated in the entire event and thus suggestion is to always first support you before trying to support someone else.

So see that this requires a lot more writing for you-yourself to see what it is that's actually contained within the reaction as wanting to cry - is it sadness, anger, frustration - you start seeing what is it in fact that 'hurts' looking at - from there you forgive yourself because within that you can actually see that first you've got to stop you from participating in these reactions to then be able to be a living example of how it is that each one must stand and face their reality within the realization that we cannot direct ourselves as patterned-reactions based on emotions and feelings.

I understand that this is 'harsh' to see and experience yet it is their entire creation, there is no point in you feeling low about it because you cannot change anything about it. They will have to face their own process and you face yourself, you support you- you are here and you are already self forgiving yourself to realize that with you reacting, you're actually not supporting yourself - yet it is a momentary ability to see what is here existing as you and from there stand up and correct through forgiving yourself and then seeing what it is best to live as self as what's best for all.

Within looking at parents as authority still, you realize that you first have to get to that point of equality wherein no more fear is experienced towards them - wherein you see yourself in that situation that they've created and that you can only support when you have in fact first supported you - if possible - I mean there's many people in this world that simply won't do anything to support themselves, and so we cannot force them or want them to stop and change.

Once you start realizing that everything we're facing is the manifested consequences of our actions, of ourselves, we stop judging the outcome, we stop being overwhelmed by the consequences because: we've created them ourselves. SO reacting upon this won't do a thing but continue the cycles of self-deprecation as the mind, as emotions and feelings that do not in any way support us as who we really are.

I suggest then more writing to actually see yourself within this. who you are besides how you see your 'father' or your 'mother' - allow everything that needs to 'get out' to be let out by you with proper understanding that it is simply not supporting you in any way.

ok - breathe - and by this I mean be here without reacting further but take it step by step, moment by moment - certainly realizing that you can only focus on sorting out you first.

Thanks for sharing and keep writing and supporting yourself here

[Zakaria Husain]

Here the point of support must be you for yourself before trying to support another - see, this is how we go compromising ourselves into experiences that are others' processes that each one will be walking and facing as themselves. The fact that you reacted means you then participated in the entire event and thus suggestion is to always first support you before trying to support someone else.

Thankyou, that makes alot of sense, no more compromising my way into these experiences, that are my mothers and fathers processes.

So see that this requires a lot more writing for you-yourself to see what it is that's actually contained within the reaction as wanting to cry - is it sadness, anger, frustration - you start seeing what is it in fact that 'hurts' looking at - from there you forgive yourself because within that you can actually see that first you've got to stop you from participating in these reactions to then be able to be a living example of how it is that each one must stand and face their reality within the realization that we cannot direct ourselves as patterned-reactions based on emotions and feelings.

Ok I will investigate these points through writing.

I understand that this is 'harsh' to see and experience yet it is their entire creation, there is no point in you feeling low about it because you cannot change anything about it. They will have to face their own process and you face yourself, you support you- you are here and you are already self forgiving yourself to realize that with you reacting, you're actually not supporting yourself - yet it is a momentary ability to see what is here existing as you and from there stand up and correct through forgiving yourself and then seeing what it is best to live as self as what's best for all.

Thanks that was very clear

Within looking at parents as authority still, you realize that you first have to get to that point of equality wherein no more fear is experienced towards them - wherein you see yourself in that situation that they've created and that you can only support when you have in fact first supported you - if possible - I mean there's many people in this world that simply won't do anything to support themselves, and so we cannot force them or want them to stop and change.

Once you start realizing that everything we're facing is the manifested consequences of our actions, of ourselves, we stop judging the outcome, we stop being overwhelmed by the consequences because: we've created them ourselves. SO reacting upon this won't do a thing but continue the cycles of self-deprecation as the mind, as emotions and feelings that do not in any way support us as who we really are.

Very Cool Point

I suggest then more writing to actually see yourself within this. who you are besides how you see your 'father' or your 'mother' - allow everything that needs to 'get out' to be let out by you with proper understanding that it is simply not supporting you in any way.

ok - breathe - and by this I mean be here without reacting further but take it step by step, moment by moment - certainly realizing that you can only focus on sorting out you first.

Thanks for sharing and keep writing and supporting yourself here

[/quote]

Thanks alot Marlen, I will be taking it step by step:)