Sean's writing self to freedom

[SeanJones]

So I am going to start off here by talking about porn and masturbation. I am just going to get into it fuck self judgement lol. So I am walking the point of stopping porn and masturbation and sex as well. I still have not decided on a period of time that I want to walk this point. I had posted about this on the destonian forum the other day and since then I have masturbated and looked at porn. I felt like a nasty fuck after looking at it both times that I did. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nasty and like a fucked up person for looking at porn. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for looking at porn.

So yea now I have stopped again. I have noticed that I experience addiction exactly the same with every addiction its all the same shit just towards different points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and fufill my desire of feeding addictions by substituting one addiction for another.

I had done that with masturbation, I ate allot of sugar whenever I felt like I had to masturbate. I am still not eating any sugar, I just eat fruit, its much more enjoyable than sugary stuff because it actually supports me, and it does not leave that thick syrupy spit in your mouth lol. So my experience with watching porn this time was like I was a demon, completely possessed by energy and trying to get a fix by rubbing my dick. Lol its funny because its just like building up a charge and releasing it. wow never looked at it like that. So yea here I am facing myself not hiding. One of the first points I faced here was hiding from myself which is what I have done most my life. So I am done hiding fuck hiding im here.

So I stop when I see myself becoming possessed by energy and I stop when and breath myself back to myself and will not allow myself to participate in this energy game.

[SeanJones]

I am a demon. LOL. I am not even like upset about this which is 'good' from a certain perspective because I can have a clear starting point. So I masturbated AGAIN, tonight well it is yesterday now so I noticed that I am just allowing myself to slack off and not willing myself to remain here in breath. So in that I am getting lost in my mind and really allowing myself to become obsessed with masterbation and then possessed by it. SO I am here and I will direct myself to be strict with myself I will not allow myself to be possessed by masturbation. I have practical things I can do here to keep myself busy and to not be so focused on my mind. This point is tuff because its staring me in the face often when I get on the internet. So I have realized that this is going to take strictness and disiplin. I am no longer allowing myself to hide from this point that is probably why I have been masturbating because "I want to just masturbate again one more time before I stop" lol just like any addict would say about there drug of choice and then when they come down they imediately find an excuse to do the drug again. So I am stopping I am going to stop for 3 months I am doing this shit. Haha omg I tryed this before but I failed lol. I failed and then completly forgot I had made an agreement with myself. FUCK this is like omg no masturbation for 3 months are you fucking insane Sean wtf. I would say that I would be insane if I did not do this. And hey I might as well sort myself out I am here always I am not in the past or the future only when I am in my mind I pretend to be. So I am here and I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to belive that stopping masturbation has to be tuff because I have done it for a long time. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to possess myself with my mind during masturbation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking on masturbation.

I will stick to my words, I stand here in breath and as breath and will not allow myself to decieve myself using my mind to try and make excuses and justifications on why I should start masturbation again.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have stopped other addictions and that it is going to take self will and living my words to get myself to pass the ultimate test which is the test of time. So im gunna keep a masturbation dairy lol, and im going to document this as self support and support for others.

[SeanJones]

So like any other habit I have had or addiction whatever you want to call it same thing pretty much, addictions and habits are a result of self dishonesty and the accumulation effect. So I am here writing because I want to just express myself and how I am doing right now and today. I notice when I dont masturbate that I feel better about myself because its like oh yea look at me I dont do that I am in control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that stopping addictions make me more than another.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that stopping masturbation is for me and that I am doing this for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that stopping masturbation will make me a better person.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to try and become more than another by stopping addictions.

So wow lol 3 months.... I have been talking to myself about this point I am taking on and I have come to an agreement that I am going to do practical things, I am going to "kick it into high gear" so to speak. I have a life now or whatever you wanna say, I have responsibility that is a better way to say it, so now I have things that I can do during the day intead of fucking around and touching myself and sitting on my ass. I have a new desk that my dad bought me and so I have some work with that, I have to put it together myself should be interesting. I can pre study for college so I dont go in there completely unprepared and shit. So I have my time filled. This is somthing I have never had in my life were my time is completly filled, its pretty cool. So yea time to "kick it into high gear" and ya know since we are robots that would make sence lol to kick it into high gear. So yea been focusing on breath more lately and utilizing the 4 count breath to slow down and remain here. Ok well I am glad to be here on this forum and have a place were I can write and express myself. Cool.

[Mats Bjornsti]

I regonize myself in this Sean. When I walk this point of masturbation I find just
the same excuses and justifications too, like ´´Okay this is the last time´´
and then fall again. Maan, at it again.

[SeanJones]

Fuck I want an ice cream right now. I really enjoy ice cream!!!!!!!! alot!!!!!! its like my mind is starving and needs that mmmm sugery ice cream goodness that I so desire. OMG haha. my mouth is literally watering right now. It is so close and fuck I have stopped sugar so I am here and fuck I really want JUST ONE yea sure. Isn't that what we always say "I just want one" I just want to do it once. hmmm sounds fishy.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to eat sugar from the starting point to have pleasure within/as my mind and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and make excuses of why I should eat sugar.

I am like rationalizing with my mind. lol not a good idea. 'I can just eat one a week' hmm will I be able to stand within that?

I want to say yes. I mean it is just a fucking ice cream cone. why do I want it so bad. ok I am going for a walk I cannot sit here with this desire I need to move.

[Lindsay]

lol sean - very cool that you supported yourself to get out of the house and go for a walk - i find this definitely assist when we are allowing a point to become 'charged up' with a lot of energy wherein it permeates our entire environment - best to remove ourselves from the environment so we can 'clear our head'.

At the moment it's not 'just a fucking ice cream' - it's everything that we have associated with ice cream that makes it more that 'just fucking ice cream' because we allow it to be special, more than life - ice cream, yeah, it is simply ice cream, innocent in its expression, however we fucked-up humans tend to taint life with our thoughts/feelings/emotions to such a degree that we aren't able to simply be with ice cream and enjoy ice cream as one and equal to ourselves - something that I realized for myself as well, within the point of stopping sugar, is not to trick oneself into believing that once one 'realizes' that ice cream is innocent and 'i'll just eat it as one and equal to myself' to not follow that, because if we have to 'talk ourselves into it' that is a definite red flag! It is using knowledge and information to manipulate ourselves, to con ourselves, to deceive ourselves and our point of self-honest support.

So, what I see is its best to walk the point of no sugar for several months, if not years depending on how much energy one has created around sugar/any point until on re-visits it again - to really commit ourselves in facing the point completely - oftentimes I find that when I consider re-visiting, I'm not even interested anymore.

Cool that you are facing the point so directly and not 'feeding into it' - lol - because we know where that path leads, and it's not an enjoyable place to be.

Self-forgiveness in the moment one sees one is rationalizing with oneself is definitely assisting in diffusing the energy that is wanting to build up to a point of accumulated possession. Self-forgiveness, and breath will keep you here - will keep you 'safe and sound' - lol.

[SeanJones]

yea I see why I wanted it so bad today, the ice cream. There are a few reasons. One I have stopped masturbation and we tend to go for another addiction to substitute our other ones. Two, I had some muffins with some sugar stuff on top this morning. I woke up to the smell of muffins and somtimes my mom puts this sugar stuff on top of them and I realllllly wanted muffins bad so I said fuck it I am just going to eat them. This was the first sugar I have had in like seems like 2 weeks yea most likely 2 weeks. It was like BAM you want sugar now, And man I saw that I wanted more of those muffins tonight too JUST because they had the sugaryness on them, I really do like muffins too but the sugar on top lol was what made it 'special. It is interesting because I experienced the craving for sugar like a cigarette, so I have walked that point of cigarettes and somtimes do get like thoughts about wanting to smoke one but I just breath and completely forget about it. So yea this addiction, the roots are planted deeper than the cigarettes because I have always had sweets, they have been in my life allot as a 'treat'. Wow I am having quite a reaction while writing this. It is like I don't want to look at this point because then I can't have my treat. The thing that I am like most addicted to as far as sugar and sweets go is icecream. It is just like smoking cigarettes, I have it once and then slowly but surly get up to a daily amount and then I don't feel in control of the eating or smoking. So yea ice cream, I have used it as a coping thing when I get depressed I did not even reaize the extent of this addiction until recently. I would often get depressed when I was a teen and get high and then eat ice-cream it was like a ritual. I remember lots of times were I felt sad or depressed and just smoked weed when I felt that and did not even face the points at all, I did not have the tools I did not know how to face myself. So by doing that and just supressing and hiding from my emotions I fucked myself pretty hard. So yea I really like muffins, wait ok I forgot I had like these gummy things and I woke up and wanted a quick snack before going back to sleep for a bit and I said fuck it then also because there was no sugar in the ingreadients just in the nutrition facts, probably from the fruit concentrate or something. So yea I actually did not even go for a walk earlyer when I said I was. I just walked into my room and started doing other things. So yea I can tell now this whole sugar thing is connected to coping and supressing emotions. It makes my mouth water if I think about ice-cream. Like I am the one that will get an ice cream at the gas station just because I want an ice cream. I will eat ice cream anytime anywere lol. I am like the green eggs and ham guy that eats green eggs and ham all the time exept with ice cream. So I will continue to support myself how I have been and remain self honest. I eat allot more fruit now which is enjoyable and supportive. It does not give me that feeling in my mind like when I eat ice cream or a sweet.

[SeanJones]

So I am going to put the date I stopped masturbation and sex right here.============== July 18th 2011 -----------------------

[Johnathan]

So I am going to put the date I stopped masturbation and sex right here.============== July 18th 2011 -----------------------

Awesome Sean!!

[SeanJones]

Patience. This is something that I would consider myself to have but today when I was putting together my desk and trying to find out how to put it together I got this feeling within me. I know this feeling very well, its like a knot in my solar plexus and it makes me want to fucking move around and its a strange feeling really. I am not sure how to describe it, it was like a frustration that I had allowed myself to experience. I get this feeling somtimes and it makes me want to tense up and like flex all of my muscles and I remember when I was younger I would get this feeling when I was playing video games and I would just have the urge to press all of the buttons on the controller. I have never actually looked at this before, when somthing happens to you before desteni its like that thing is happening to you not you making the thing happen. So now I know that I am making this feeling happen. It came up when I got frustrated and was getting upset that I could not figure out this step on the desk. So I stopped building it after I had finished that step because of that feeling, its like an anxious feeling but now how I have described the anxiety I get with the sweatyness. So I want to do some self forgiveness on frustration and patience that is my starting point of this writing. I want to become more patient and be able to face anything that is put in front of me. What a nice place to start here with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel impatient when I am getting frustrated with something that I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel impatient

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest a physical experience of impatience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I cannot do somthing and in that feeling give up on that which I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am creating the experience of the anxious feeling I have when I am frustrated and impatient

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stand here in/as breath as patience

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to simply breath and be here with what I am doing and working through it without impatience or frustration

I will not allow myself to be impatient with myself when doing a task and or doing somthing new or learning.
I stand here in/as breath and will direct myself to remain here in/as breath while doing work or any tasks and will direct myself to apply self forgiveness on any reaction or feelings or thoughts I have in relation to impatience and frustration