All I can say is shit! Things are not going well. I still don't know how to explain what is going on in my head. I still haven't turned in my schedule to my trumpet teacher because I know he will ask me why it took me so long to turn it in and say shit. He has said to me in the past, "How old are you?" I answered, "24" (now 25 though) He responded, "and you still haven't finished your undergrad"? That is bullshit. I cannot be myself anymore around him. We are already on thin ice it seems (this might just be a delusion in my mind though). He kept sending us the music he was playing in church this summer with notes about the song (how it relates to the song, obviously a biblical meaning, making it clear that he is religious). The funny thing is that when I was a freshman in school he said, "I won't talk about religious things because you don't know who you are going to offend." I asked a friend of mine if he remembered him saying this, and he said yes. Eventually I asked him politely on FB if he would stop sending me that stuff. I said "Would you please stop sending me the music and bible message emails"?. He said "sorry" I replied, "It is ok, it is just not my cup of tea. I look forward to lessons in the fall." He said something similar about being excited about the fall. I noticed he deleted me on fb after that, LOL! I thought, "WTF!", and felt offended even more. It is stupid to care about this but I did. LOL, I feel embarrassed writing this out right now.
I still haven't played my horn for a month and ensembles start this week. I haven't stopped playing like this in over 2 years. I am not sure if this is what I want to do anymore. I keep putting it off because it takes a lot of fucking time to play this instrument correctly. At LEAST 5 to 6 hours a day of having a piece of metal on your face, not including ensembles. I would rather work on myself than practice the trumpet but I am around a year away from having a college degree. I am going to finish because I have made it this far. It is like I have replaced practicing with reading and listening to the desteni material.
I noticed some thoughts today. When I was walking to class I would walk by classmates on campus that I know (some better than others). I thought, "What do they think of me"? "Do they think I am crazy?" "Do they like me as a person"? and.... other thoughts, such as judgement on my part, "They don't care about this world.", "They don't care about changing themselves", "They don't know what I know.", "They only care about shit that doesn't matter and sucking ass to teachers." It was kind of like why should I care about them when they don't care about anything. Thinking these people are shallow.
These thoughts are related to the feelings of anxiety and nervousness I feel around these specific people I have noticed. These are the people I am not comfortable around. Thoughts and energy in my body builds usually when I have to talk to these people. This I fucking notice. I am sure breathing can help here but it feels very foreign to apply it to this part of my life. If I can breathe thought quitting caffeine and drinking pop, and biting my nails I surely should be able to apply it to this part of me. LOL! it seems so simple, the concept; much easier said than done because the thoughts can possess you. So I go through possessive states of the mind throughout the day.