Hallo all here!
I write an other introduction as for a while I did not share myself here in the forum but I've realized it is a great place to express myself!
I have realized so much since last time I wrote here - within my Journey to Life Blogs I share some but much-much more I walk through day by day.
Walking through I mean facing and letting go self-accepted limitations as the mind who I've automated myself to behave as the self-interest personality Talamon Jozsef.
I walk Desteni I Process Agreement Course since 2012 and I progress slowly but surely and it assists me beyond anything before within self-discovery and self-stability.
However I've allowed myself to use that as an excuse to not participate within the forum as I used to when I initially found support here.
I have never established consistency what with one can really give oneself the effectiveness within practical application and accumulation.
My starting point of walking Agreement course was that I could not stabilize a supporting relationship with my partner and that gave me new perspectives - that first establishing self-agreement. Well, with my partner we could not transform the relationship to an supportive agreement so we had to let it go - since a year I walk establishing Self-agreement.
I will write regularly in the forum about my observations/realizations/failures/etc just to share and stabilize myself with those who walk similar process within self-honesty.
After all of my psychedelic/spiritual 'dark ages' - my initial problem were that I felt like I have enormous amount of energy but it felt like it is burning me, I can not structure/direct in a way what is supporting me or others - rather it was like holding back/swallowing/suppressing until I felt like almost exploding and then it was released to a direction what was not really supporting but that gave me a sense of movement, a feel of being alive. But without energy I did not really move. So I was automatically in a self-created 'reality' within I was always stimulated by external and I've reacted with positive and negative energy and with that I felt like 'living' but after all I've always became extremely frustrated by the fact that I could not really do/go through/manifest/create something just hitting rock bottom of my own self-accepted limitations.
So after all within walking the Agreement course (and previously DIP PRO for a while) and starting the Journey to Life blogging I was able to let go some points what I was always bugged about - which was my self-accepted personality/nature, what previously I just wanted to overcome with extremely intensified spiritual and drug experiences.
Also I've smoked quite some even after 3 years of not smoking when started process really in 2008 - within my relationship I had the illusion of choice of 'leaving the relationship' or 'smoking and remaining' and I restarted to smoking in 2012 and that obviously did not solve anything but things escalated so then with my partner we argued more and more and after about a bit more than 2 years we just ended it. She does buddhist 'practices' and never got into Desteni process tools/realizations what was also a point to blame for me until I realized(and a chat with Esteni and Bernard) that I must respect my decision whatever is that, in that case to be with somebody who with I do not agree(on fundamental existence points). Establishing Agreement with an another is the most intense thing I've ever faced - and I realized without a stable, firm Self-agreement it will just seem as intensifying shitstorm and in fact within the experience/reaction war for instance I've just forget that all I experience is not really my partner, she is not to blame but this is me facing me so then we just showed up abusive reactions, even some physical fights, what then was quite terrifying( like in an 'usual' David Lynch movie but in the face every day...)
My tendency was always that when something intensifies, then I go into it, I want to get it's bottom and face it and within that I disregarded many already established process-related expressions, such as my blog, Desteni forum and group participation within the possession of 'I will just solve this one now' and I did not realize almost years passed and I was still facing the same points...The idea of 'myself solving/wanting to walk through only, because otherwise it is not real, not me' was also a point what I did not see, like a stubborn 'buddha-mind' - me sitting here(not literally) against the world and first I solve 'myself' and then 'go back to the world' was obviously flawed from it's origin.
I always defined myself as extreme polarity-guy, so I've taken things, experiences, events more and more, tried to absorb but after all my human physical body is always the limit which will not tolerate anything bullshit and will show equal and one who I manifest myself to be...Also with doping myself when I was irritated - I just went back where I came from before process for a while and I was like 'oh hell'...
I even faced skin-cancer what I did not know it is that until I had some interviews with the Portal - Resonances at the Desteni Farm in 2010 and suggested to be checked out by doctors and then it was quite shocking realization that my body(me) has this and then it was cut out right directly from the center of my chest and it was quite a process to walk through that -the scar remained to remember - it was 3 years ago as well and since it's gone so I had my 'time' for reviewing my life and decide direction to where I want to walk and I chose Life, Breath, Equality and Oneness, What is best for All and it assists me each day...
I have lived so reckless before finding and starting to walk Desteni Process and the consequences I face for myself and the world as well. We must become what we want to manifest so that is a cool motivation and also to realize what we really do each day accumulates towards a future world.
My transcendence point was always this extreme energy-participation/mind-virtualization which was mostly stimulated by drugs.
The delusion that boosting/stimulating my mind with weed(and previously acid and mushroom) to bring up shit to work with helps I've possessed myself with for a while and in fact I've faced so much self-dishonesty, but the realization was that more Self-dishonesty I face and react to and basically REMAIN AS than the ones actually I am walking through, realize, stop, forgive, transcend and becoming able to support others for instance. And even after stopping smoking the mind-storms faded - it seemed like 'I am more stable' in relation to being high - but after that I've realized I am facing the same points as before going into the smoking habit.
For instance with smoking it was always predictable that I will fall - first the smoking makes me feel like my mind quiets - but not really, just I become more identified with and as energetic mind(the thoughts, feelings, emotions, images, pictures, associations etc) so I do not see it as obviously(similarly with alcohol) - and when the energy of stuff fades - I always return to the polarity of my judgments where I tried to shortcut myself out without self-honesty but a bit more 'tired' as I've gave permission it to direct me, who I am here in and as the physical being, so the accumulation leaded to lack of self-direction, lack of self-trust without the stuff and even with it.
For instance with smoking I was able to 'reproduce' many of my obsessions - sound instruments, physical sex, porn, gaming addictions - and it's like 'okay I do it so then I see it and I will understand it and then I will stop it' - but if I do this every day, every week - do I really walk towards the ONE BREATH TO STOP MYSELF? Or I just fuck myself in the virtual dimension of myself and my reality?
What is the most important point today I bring up is the DECISION to make - and then no matter what, I stop myself - and when I am not one and equal with my decision - it is just an intent - an energetic experience - and it is conditioned to energy - so when I am frustrated enough from my self-acceptances - I can stop with that - in fact to stop the frustration - and then the energy is gone because I stopped, I am not frustrated anymore - but meanwhile I did not really understand, change, STOP myself - so then I started to repeat to behave the same pattern - and then I've started to accumulate frustration of self-acceptance - self-judgment - and then I've stopped again and within these cycles eventually I've realized that the decision was not 'final' in terms of 'ultimate' that I really stop myself - and at a point - self-forgiveness is for to assist myself to stop and I Commit myself to stop - and then I live it - that is the real physical application of Self-forgiveness as giving myself a clarity to clear myself from the point of self-dishonesty.
It is absolutely not required to accumulate frustration to the degree I had to in order to realize that the decision to stop is to live it as myself with no reason at all - I stop, no matter what, I stop - energies will come, intensify for sure - I stand - I breathe, I stop - and this even can be enjoyed as this stopping is in fact already Self-movement.
Also what I enjoy recently to face my resistances - such as learning new skills I always judged, avoided, hated(for a reason, sure to not face specific self-dishonesty points in and as myself) - I breathe, embrace, I stop myself - so I become comfortable with taking responsibility, developing consistency, learning driving car, study economy, business, world system and communicating with people.
I will share more and also set up a quick and effective way to make video logs as well, maybe even some only for the forum members - my point is to share and walk my process within consistency and not like 'seems like stopped' and then jumping big leaps and then within the big jump, needing the time to prepare an other jump - that is not really the point but accumulate each day, each breath.
I am grateful for the Desteni group, the Farm people who work effortless for Process and Life each day since Desteni portal has started and all of course participants from all around the planet and we have an unique opportunity here to change our and humanity's destiny towards hell to a liveable life for all, even if it takes a long process, what must be done has to be done.
I am aware of that for a while I seemed like 'lost in the jungle' again and my thin thread with the Process was the DIP Course only but I never intended to leave or felt as 'left' - after the realization of Process there is no 'blue pill' and still Destonians were and are and will be here for support without any judgment.
Trust with each other must be earned, even for self, this is Life's Desteni. Thank you, enjoy breath!