Hey, this is Malin!
About one and a half year ago Markus introduced me to Desteni.
At that point in my life I was in very bad shape, both physically and mentally,
I was abusing myself so to the extent that I didn’t think that I would be able to survive more than a couple of years.
I grew up in fear, living with my father (who had money), mother (sick-listed from work), sister (two years older) and brother (five years younger).
When I was 12 my mother, sister and I moved away from my father.
My brother decided to live with both my parents, one week each.
It was a very big change when moving, my mother didn’t have a lot of money and we had to move from a (very) big house to a student-apartment that had a peculiar smell of beer that wouldn’t go away (lol)
When moving away from an abusive environment I continued the abuse against myself instead.
I was really insecure and I was experiencing a lot of self-hate.
I did to myself what I experienced that my parents had done to me, convinced that that was what I deserved.
I started to search for things separate from me that I thought could make me “happy”, not realizing that I was the only one who had the responsibility for how I experienced myself.
I blamed my father for how he treated me and my sister, and I blamed my mother for “allowing” what was happening, I now realize that I can’t blame anybody, all I can do is to take responsibility for my experience, my life and how I am going to live it right here and right now.
I moved away from home when I was 17. Before that I had been to a lot of different treatments, clinics and hospitals.
When I was around 17 and got to move away on my own I felt it as if I, for the first time, could decide for myself what I wanted to do. I thought that I was “free”. This ended up in the worst self-abuse I had ever experienced. The thing I didn’t realize then was that I was enslaved to the mind, as far away from “free” as possible. I was a slave under my thoughts, emotions and feelings.
Anxiety, fear and self-abuse controlled my life. I did everything that I thought was possible to get away from the anxiety that I experienced; I exercised extensively, I had two jobs, working fulltime in a Supermarket and as a Personal assistant two-three nights a week.
I got accepted to an art-school and I started to study full-time + worked after school and a couple of nights a week as well.
This was going on for a while until I got sick-listed. The thing is, that when I wasn’t working or in school I was abusing myself extensively, I didn’t take care of myself I was only trying to “get away” from me through exercising, working and going to school. This only created more anxiety.
I’ve been seeing a whole bunch of psychiatrists/therapists/psychologists but I never got any real help, only medications. I was using a lot of different medications and I was completely lost, not “myself” in any kind of way.
I was using alcohol and drugs as a means to get away from my anxiety, this ended up with me, going down a very dangerous path. I actually used drugs when I came across Desteni as well, even though I knew exactly what I was allowing. Around 8 months ago I realized that I couldn’t go on like that, but the thing is that I was unable to “stop” on my own.
I used the tools that Desteni is presenting, and I also went to an “alcohol-and-drug-clinic”, that we have here in my town, where I (actually) got great support from a lady (think she was some kind of therapist). I still have thoughts of “desire” that comes up sometimes in relation to drugs but now I am able to stop them and not take them seriously. It’s only my mind that is addicted to a specific experience, I see that now.
Anyway, through a coincidence I booked a trip to South Africa like one and a half year ago, my mother had a friend living in SA and she asked me to come along. I really wanted to go there to see animals so I said yes. The ticket was for July-August 2011. Around two months before this I was in such a bad shape that I (well more Markus then me) decided that I couldn’t go abroad.
In June I found out that the Desteni-farm actually was in South Africa. This changed everything. I took the chance and I went.
Before going to the farm I couldn’t be left alone even for a minute, due to my self-created possession that made me abuse myself and my physical body.
I got to the farm and I let go of a lot -Even the medications. When I came home Markus barley recognized me, together we stopped our addiction to drugs, alcohol and cigarettes.
This is when my journey really started, where I realized that I actually can be steadfast and direct myself. Though I realize that this will be a long process and that is why I signed up for Desteni I Process, to make the process more structured.
I have changed my whole physical reality, now the only thing I have to take care of is the mind-part, that I still have a tendency of participating in.
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