Hi all, my name is Bella,
to introduce myself here I will share about my journey from new-age to Desteni...
When I came across Desteni, I had already studied some religions, read many different books about who we are and how we’re supposed to evolve, I had been involved in spirituality, searching for the ultimate truth, the ultimate answer to this world out of which I could not make sense. There must be something more to it, I was telling myself. I wanted to understand. I wanted to change the world. I wanted to become a better person.
What I had found during my search was that no religion, no spiritual school or teaching was able to be practically applied by all equally. There had been a time when I did not question the implication of belonging to a select few that would apparently change the world. I wanted to be special. (Many new age schools and organizations use exactly that to get followers.)
Yet with the time I began to wonder and I asked myself:
Why is it that, although so many apparent masters are on earth sharing their teachings and prayers, nothing has actually ever changed in this world?
Why is it that children are being raped, innocent people killed or abused?
Why is it that manipulation has become the very nature of our being, starting from a very young age within our own families?
How can self-interest be more valued than life itself?
Why is it that half of the world is starving when there is more than enough food for everyone on earth?
How can God exist and allow this to take place?
Why isn’t anyone really doing anything substantial about it all, and what can I possibly do?
And how come that I am not even able to live in trust within my own family?
How come nobody is listening to anyone but themselves?
How come we live by beliefs which we haven’t even proven to ourselves, yet fight and kill in the name of our beliefs?
Is this life? Can anyone be trusted? Can I trust myself?
When I first came across a Desteni video on Youtube - it was a portal video - what I 'saw' was 'innocence' and 'straight-forwardness'. I knew immediately that what was spoken was 'real'. I started watching videos, and I could immediately see the common sense within what was being presented; and I was almost shocked to see how I had veiled my perception through the 'logic' of beliefs in my mind - the beliefs I had been following in my attempts to 'make sense out of this world', attempts to understand or explain my 'reality'.
I realized that I had placed all my faith and hope into something separate from me, something that possibly maybe hopefully exists out there somewhere and will one day save us. I realized that no religion has ever actually been lived equal and one, it has all been but empty words interpreted in different ways by different groups, and that spirituality was but another religion to keep us busy and distracted, so that we keep searching for ourselves out there somewhere –fighting and arguing over different beliefs and different paths, different levels of awareness and different methods of ascension – while totally ignoring the truth of ourselves as this reality that is right in front of our eyes and goes straight through our hearts.
I had never applied self-forgiveness before and so I gave it a try. I began to write myself out. I looked at where I stand and I saw that I was not able to trust anything in life: not my family, not my job, not the future, not any relationship, not the welfare system, nothing at all. I couldn’t even trust myself. My perception of reality was changing within my mind, according to the philosophical or spiritual points of view I was following. Yet who was I without all that? And why was nothing actually really changing in my life?
I was able to look at my life and see how, through my acceptance and allowance, I became who I am, how I followed other people’s logic to define myself by, how I developed defense mechanisms to ensure my survival, how I isolated myself, existing in hope and despair at the same time - because I had allowed my defeat: ‘That’s life and you’ve got to accept that’.
Well no! I was not willing to accept that anymore!
I began to realize that I had never actually lived! Instead, just like everyone else, I was busy existing through knowledge and information passed on to me by others, applying self-management tools presented to me by the system (family, education, culture, religion, money) so that I may serve the system and consider myself lucky. I was busy trying to be accepted, to fit in somewhere somehow, in fact however suppressing myself and denying common sense in order to fulfill the ‘standards’ of the one family, the one culture, the one society I was brought up in.
Why? Everyone wants to be a good person. Because everyone wants to be loved. Manipulation and dishonesty is what we have been molded by – in the name of love.
Enough is enough! I was in absolute disgust with humanity, with what we call life, I was disgusted with myself seeing that I had given up on myself, on life, a long time ago – I had allowed and accepted all this to happen, I am equally responsible for everything! How could we ever allow this?
Through the process of self-honesty and self-forgiveness, I saw how I had been fooling myself and that I had actually through my life developed all kinds of explanations, justifications, excuses, reasons for why I am who I am and how I am. I saw that if I wanted to be self-honest and really get to know myself, if I wanted to be self-responsible, I had to allow myself to see the dishonesty I’ve been existing in and as.
We blame others and our past – yet that has never been a solution. I realized that the past is that through which we can set ourselves free. The past is what reveals to us how we’ve been conditioned and how we created through our acceptance and allowance the reality we are facing: ourselves and our world. Furthermore, I saw that if I don’t stop existing from and of the past and actually change myself completely in all ways I have ever existed, I would be creating my future according to my past.
If however I can see things for what they are and make a stance as ‘till here no further!’ – I am able to forgive myself and set myself free. I no longer subject myself to anyone else’s ability or inability to forgive me. I don’t wait. I move. I give myself back to me: I forgive me and I change me – to no longer be who I have become, no longer exist in shame, sorrow, anger, blame, regret.
I take self-responsibility, I set myself free and I place myself equal and one as all life – so there may come a point where all can forgive each other. Yet we must each start within ourselves.
Within the process of self-forgiveness, I saw very clearly how I had given my power away to beliefs, emotional patterns, projected ideas – and I decided to take it back once and for all and live practically here in this physical reality, establishing self-honesty and self-trust, not accepting and allowing separation and dishonesty within me and my world. Not accepting and allowing anything less than who I really am of life – and thus equally not accepting and allowing anything less from everybody else as me. Whatever the cost – I am no longer supporting the lie, the dishonesty and the manipulation we call life. ‘Till here no further!
I made an absolute choice for myself: to never again honor images, beliefs or ideas. To believe nothing unless I can prove to myself that it’s not a belief. To honor only LIFE, all life as one and equal.
And so I began to breathe and take it moment by moment, giving me back to me - forgiving myself for my acceptances and allowances and directing myself to live self-honesty, finding practical solutions to assist and support myself and others as life.
Because I realized one thing: We are all the same. We are all one. We all suffer silently. We all try to cover up the suffering by one means or another, limiting ourselves to merely functioning in this world: systems within a system; servants to an invisible master. We became that very master, the monster in disguise: self-interest. We all are searching for the same thing – the one. Have we ever considered that each of us is ‘the one’ for themselves – that the answer, the key is in each one equally?
We haven’t. We’ve all been searching out there somewhere –or in some meditative state in seclusion from reality. All driven by the same thing: fear. Fear of each other. Fear of self.
Fear, I found, is in essence a creation of the system, the mind, to justify self-interest and maintain itself as the starting point of this existence. And unless every single one of us takes self-responsibility, unless we start changing ourselves from the self-honest starting point of equality and oneness of life – we will continue to live in fear of each other, mistrusting and blaming each other and waiting for someone or something to save us from ourselves and each other.
In essence, fear is mind-control.
Mind-control works from the inside out, as I came to realize. It is how we keep ourselves and everybody else enslaved to a inner and outer systems that does not support who we really are as life.
Is that really what we want?
How much worse must it get for us to stand up for life – as ALL LIFE ONE and EQUAL – and say no more?!
Self-forgiveness is the tool that led me to honesty about myself. Once I see myself, I have a choice –the only actual choice: to either stand up and stop, and practically change the way I exist and participate here in and as the physical = self-honesty; OR to continue as if I never saw what I was doing, justifying my existence through fear and self-defeat = self-dishonesty.
I have made my choice, and I find that every new breath, every new moment is placing this question in front of me: self-honesty or self-dishonesty?
The process takes time, I realized, because we have never existed but as dishonest slaves, as conditioned programmed egos. Predictable, as will be our future, unless we STOP.
I was actually able to see my future. It was here, within how I experience myself, in the way I existed, in everything I said or didn’t say. I saw where I was going if I didn’t stop. So I began to stop.
Changing myself, I see my reality changing. The people around me are changing. As I become new, I begin to look around me with new eyes. I talk to people I couldn’t talk to before. I dare do what is here to do, I dare say what I have to say. I express myself. I enjoy myself. I learn to stand in self-trust. I am not directed by fears, emotions, reactions to the extend I used to be. I am becoming the directive principle of me here – as life - and I begin to see that everyone else can be that too. We are all here, sharing this one world, one reality. I begin to be grateful for everyone I meet – they reflect me back to me. And as I get to know myself, I find that I am becoming the solution – as we all must become the solution for man(to-be)kind.
One of the most valuable tools I found, is 'common sense'. A I learn to see things in common sense, meaning from the perspective of what we all have in common, which is life here, therefore from the perspective of what is best for all - I began to more and more let go of ego and stopped taking things personally. I started recognizing the consciousness patterns we all exist within and as, and developed the ability to describe patterns and their play-outs/consequences/outflows for the participants and the whole, without engaging in 'personal arguments' or personality attacks and such power-games.
Standing as principle - the principle of Equality, as what is best for all - entire new 'dimensions' of communication and interaction open up.
It is a journey in self-expansion - and I am grateful to be here!