How I got to Desteni:
I have posted a blog and vlog that describes a bit of who I was and how I found Desteni.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocsHv4fr ... ideo_title
http://robert-bendestonianwier.blogspot ... -ufos.html
Now, I am going to write about my initial experiences of finding Desteni in a light that I have never really addressed openly before:
I had never fit in socially as a child, I always saw myself as being ‘distanced’/ ‘removed from’ and ‘inferior to’ the ‘important people in my life.’ (Inferiority means that you also feel superior to others- so it is not like I felt inferior to “everybody”, but: I felt inferior to the ‘people who I wanted the approval of’ in my world.)
So my self-value was shit because of who I defined myself as in my family-situation-
and this comes out in my social life, and after 10 years of existing in this relationship, I am disgusted and hateful with myself.
Specifically this self-hate manifests as skin-picking/ a violent relationship with the skin on my face. -also specifically directed towards acne. (above, when I was mentioning that my inferiority complex automatically includes feeling superior to others- I was aware that my sense of self-superiority is mostly formatted in the context of the beauty system. --I felt ‘aggressively’ superior to ‘ugly kids’.)
So this self-mutilation of my perceived ‘facial flaws’ is like my ego imploding in on itself.
-and at this point in my life my social life is deteriorating/ disintegrating, because I am constantly attacking and deteriorating myself in my mind in my world, my life, my ‘social-life’-- and I am finding that I have become something that is unable to function with ‘a normal friend system.’
-and so I begin to isolate myself from me as who I became as my social-life and I start spending more time on the internet.
Mainly watching porn and playing video games.
One time, while I was looking to download porn, I accidentally stumbled across a 9/11 documentary-- and I was very happy. Suddenly ‘my life had meaning again’; and I go into the conspiracy-system hardcore.
Sooner or later I am on youtube looking for alien-stuff (in relation to the christian-stuff that I talk about in my blog and vlog) and I find the History of Man series. (Jack in the HoM series was definitely one of the most influential Desteni videos for me)
2. Why I stand for Equal Money and World Equality
I see that the dishonesty required to justify hiding from Equality is unacceptable. I can’t let myself become that, I will not allow it.
I will not allow myself to abandon the animals, not for anything. I would rather be tortured to death. Equal Life for All.
3. What I understand about heaven on Earth
My experience of myself, and the experience of humanity, exists this way because we have no common sense, we have not had the common sense to support ourselves to stop what is simply unnecessary suffering.
Stopping myself from existing as all the shit that has consumed me for my entire life, stopping THAT-- that’s heaven by itself.--and stopping myself, stopping the massive mental suffering- that can be done with the simple and diligent application of common sense like is presented in the Desteni material.
-and then, of course, once I stop myself helping others to do the same becomes very simple, probably. -and when only the “grossly unnecessary” stuff is just Simply Stopped-- then that on it’s own is heaven on Earth compared to what is existing now. This place is hell, we created hell.
4. The 10 most influencial Desteni videos:
I will dig through my memory and find 10 videos. I will not be doing them like, “in order”- meaning, I will not be “listing the videos in order of their influence”, with #1 being ‘the most influential’ and #10 being ‘the least influential’ --that is too complicated. I will just be finding “the 10 most influential videos” that I can remember after being with Desteni for more than three years, and I will just kind of ‘drop’ them on here. If any from my memory are particularly influential, I will mention them.
1. Talamon’s videos in late 2007/ early 2008
Talamon was really cool. He was like this hardcore party-man who took all kinds of crazy hallucinogenic drugs and was trying to “find the truth”-- and eventually he actually did-- I was the same as that, I actually wished I could be Talamon and I wished I could have “been allowed the time to explore hallucinogenics” - but I didn’t really want to hear Talamon when he said, very clearly:
“Hallucinogenics are not the answer. Self-honesty is the answer”
Still, Tala was an ADULT who was stable and open, that was amazing.
2. The History of Man series-- so yea, I know this is not “one” video (its like 120 videos lol), but this still counts. Watching Jack was incredible, his expression was like “perfect”, “flawless”-- when watching what Jack was, I decided in myself that I would become that no matter what- and that I would never give up until I had what Jack had; lol-- although unfortunately that is impossible because I was desiring to ‘be Jack’-- and that is separation. You can’t change yourself through separation- that is impossible.
Here is Tala’s story:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4s6CnTQ ... 61B7926E55
3. Lindsay Lee Craver’s first videos
Lindsay was, as far as I was concerned in early 2010, a ‘latecomer’ to Desteni and I viewed her as if she had less ‘status’ than me because I had ‘seniority’. When Lindsay first came onto youtube- she did a bunch of videos that were very raw- just her talking extremely openly; and I quickly came to disillusion about 'status’ when, to my shock, Lindsay began to actually change herself- which I had not done at that point in a full 2+ years.
One video in particular that I remember (and I will find the link for you guys) had Lindsay in it crying about what she had allowed. I didn’t want to watch that video, it was very uncomfortable for me to see. I couldn’t believe that Lindsay was able to do these things, I couldn’t believe she was able to dare to be so honest. I was amazed. Lindsay is really funny- because she will get right in your face, all the time, lol.
here is Lindsay’s video page--
Her page is really, super cool and supportive- because she has it all right there, from start to now, uninterrupted and uncensored. You can literally SEE exactly what it is that Desteni is talking about- all right there on Lindsay’s page.
4. Matti Freeman’s videos in 2008
Matti was another Destonian who I watched change himself-- like with Lindsay, the change was distinct and can not be missed. I have feared Matti for a long time because when he stopped himself- I was automatically revealed for not having stopped myself. Not stopping yourself is very shameful, whether you like it or not.
Here is a video Matti put out from back in that time:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7fvns7S ... re=related
5. the time the portal talked about my mind
a long time ago the portal did an interview for me. This video really, really supported me. It clued me in to the severity of my relationship towards my father-- and up until that point in my life I had never considered that point, which is remarkable, that I had never considered that-- how conditioned and mind controlled I must be.Great video, like a splash of cold water in the face.
The portal also interviewed the reptillian gods. Anu and pals-- I really enjoyed that, and have watched them more than once, because I like ‘talking’ with the ‘evil gods who made all of it intentionally’--- because, what, are they of all people going to tell me that “I have done bad” or that “I am a bad person for not being good enough?” --No! They don’t give a fuck- why would they give a damn if I don’t want to support myself? --Because if they can do all the nasty shit that they did and still support themselves out-of-it, and not be consumed by it, why can’t I? They’re not going to feel ‘let down’ if I will not support myself-- they are not going to be ‘disappointed.’ With them the only person I can fail is myself--With them, I am left on my own to support me and other than that nothing else matters or is important.
I am very comfortable with the evil gods because they are like my equals in depravity and they have forgiven themselves- so I can learn.
Well I guess not Marduk- not so much, but Anu-- man, he is the man. Enki’s really funny, too. Enki’s 5th video is exellent:
Here are the first videos of the Anu and Enki series:
http://www.youtube.com/user/DesteniProd ... nVPgi2MOj4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYCgiWAU ... re=related
Here are the first videos of the Anu and Enki series:
(sorry- they are hard to find on youtube--- I will get the rest of the links for you and paste them here-- but for now, just go to the Desteni Productions channel homepage on youtube--
and use the search bar for their uploads section, using the keywords “Anu” and “Enki”
7. okay here’s another good one:
there was this Destonian on youtube named Cenk who used to be an obese, hardcore porn-collector who just stopped himself. That was SUPER impressive to me, because I had ‘fucked around’ with porn and with self-abuse for years- and Cenk talked about ‘getting it’ on the first try--- the first time he said “I must stop porn”, and then did not-- he said “No more”, because he had real self-respect and real honor --so then there was no more and he stopped just like that. --I had been through that experience “I must stop porn” -and then continued, probably at least 400 times. So of course I was captivated by Cenk. I could not believe I was so much less than I had convinced myself that I was.
8. Andrea also did a bunch of videos wayyy back- about her relationship (like bf/ gf relationship) with a Demon.
That was a really... well I don’t know if “influential” in the sense of ‘self-realization’ is valid here-- but it really entertained me because I REALLY wanted that exact kind of relationship with female-- I wanted to be her demon, and I was jealous that Andrea was “allowed the space” to go-through that and that she basically was “allowed” to go to the very bottom of her being -lol, and have fun with it (lol- in a way); without having to experience the crushing shame and terror of shame that I was constantly experiencing for ‘going to the bottom of myself-- falling into hell’-- while having absolutely no fun whatsoever. (lol- in the video series Andrea mentions demon-sex- how fun--, I had no such fun, no god-demon sex for me unfortunately-- only demon-molestation as masturbation and self-abuse.)
Additionally and for reference, Andrea’s later videos (after she shaves her head) are also a clear example of real self-change.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11NYCWOH ... =autoshare
So I have been tormented for a very long time with this “absence of space”- never really realizing that it was actually me that has never given myself any room to breath because all the space is consumed by my giant ego. I never realized that it was never about ‘other people’... so I didn’t have any “space.” That sucks- that really, really sucks. Its horrible. Don’t do what I’ve done. Listen to Lindsay and Cenk.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2B_SKH- ... re=related