My name is Daniel. I stumbled upon some Desteni youtube videos at the end of 2009 and couldn't put them away. I was spending all kinds of time, effort and money to "ascend" and "activate my DNA' and become comfortably superior. That was my goal: become the best I can be. Then Desteni turned everything upside down, radically redefining what it meant to be the best I can be. Hundreds of youtube videos, hours of reading the FAQ and fourms, and a couple of months trying SRA last year, I still feel as though I've just broken ground within my process to purity.
The past year, I've been attending college at the University of California, Santa Barbara, studying Communication, with just one more year to go. The peer filled town I live in (Isla Vista) has lead me to (purposefully) procrastinate my process. It hurts, in retrospect, seeing my ego involvement with my immediate peers. Though I was well liked, and judged relatively little, my new knowledge acquired (in part) through my participation with Desteni concepts, backfired. I formed a relationship with Desteni in an attempt to manage my integration as a full fledged member. My 22 year old college desires have lined up more (easily) with hanging out with friends and wasting time.
My pitfall here was the high of my initial understanding. I suddenly knew the answers to the big questions that were driving me (as a self-proclaimed Truth-seeker) since my early teens. I felt on top of the world: Half of me wanting to stay there, half wanting to hurry up and digest the red pill already. There is a fear that committing to my process means I will have to give up much of what makes life fun (courting women, relating with normal/matrix people). There is a fear that I would be giving up a perfect future life with a perfect future wife, if I embark on this journey. Plus, there's that familiar fear of failure (one that I've used extensively as motivation to succeed). I guess the real trouble I'm having is figuring out who I am to do this for.
All of my motivations up until now have been like this, "I will become smart and knowledgeable about reality to undercut/beat/become better than my best friend who is more knowledgeable about other things than I." It's really dumb looking at this thought typed out. With my desires misleading me and my intentions skewed, how the hell do I find ME as a starting point to work from? Where does the motivation to do this come from? How do I feel motivated, without allowing a feeling to govern me?
My strongest tactic recently has been focusing on Best For All. It's difficult to do, but easy to see and learn from in retrospect. I'm not confident in my ability to stop a behavior with Self Forgiveness and corrective action. Why? I've been struggling with biting my nails for years. I've tried SF, maybe not thoroughly enough, but the habit, at times, acts as a strong reminder that I can't do it. Where is my Willpower? Can I up my Will factor with some fancy breathing technique? I kid, but seriously, this is a tough time for me, and it's because I feel stuck in a rut of self responsibility not taken. ..My mind is strong, but so am I. So it's a battle?..But there's no separation. Damn, this Desteni perspective/frame is hard to finish. How is this frame even supposed to function? As the mind? As the mind at first?..and then as breath? How do we use knowledge to escape our needy grasp on knowledge?