This is me.

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Joined: 05 Sep 2013, 18:22

This is me.

Post by sloth »

Hello everyone.
This is my first post.
I am J.
I am a porn addict.
I am home today, and while my wife is at work and my son is asleep, I fully expected to be masturbating to porn today.
I didn't.
I found pornaddictsjourneytolife website, and read, and watched, and signed up for this forum.
I have no one to talk to about this inner turmoil, this personal battle between who I want to be, and who I really am.
When I watch porn, I am high. I am on a drug. When I am done, I feel like shit. I feel ashamed. I lash out. I disassociate.... I eat poorly, I don't take care of myself. I don't drink water, or run the errands I am supposed to run, or do the chores I am supposed to do, or be the father I am supposed to be; because of porn. It consumes me as I consume it.
I am a political person, I am a person of professed empathy and morality. I cannot remedy the immense trench between what I believe and how I act in public, with what I fantasize about and what I do in private.
I need help.
I have tried and tried and tried, to stop using porn, but after days, or weeks, or months, I always come back to it.
I use it to self soothe.
Problems with my confidence, porn.
Problems with my wife, porn.
Problems at work, porn.
I am sad, porn.
I am lonely, porn.
I am bored, porn.
I was raised on it. It is like a poison that has been embedded in me for a decade or more.
I want to stop.
I am not the person I want to be, or the person I can be.
I am not the husband or father I can be.

This is me.

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Joined: 04 Jul 2011, 09:23
Location: Bucksport, Maine USA

Re: This is me.

Post by Carrie »

Hi J. Welcome to the forum!

If you haven't already please read through the forum guidelines.

Cool that you made it here from the Porn Addicts Journey To Life blog and thanks for sharing what you're experiencing with Porn. You see the problem which is a great start and if you're looking to change and to see how you can assist and support yourself to stop a porn addiction, then you've come to the right the place. There are many here that have walked or are currently walking the same point so you're not alone. In addition to the Porn Addicts Journey To Life blog, we are also sharing process support for Porn Addiction in a Google Live Hangout - here are the links to what's been discussed so far: Porn - the new Cool in Pop Culture? and The Secrets of Porn Exposed

You can also open up a thread in the writing yourself to freedom section and in the members blogs section where you can place your writings and blogs.

I would also suggest to look in to the Desteni I Process Lite course as it will show you how our minds function and offer perspective on why and how we create addiction.

When I stopped watching and seeking out porn it was a decision I made based on the consequences of porn that I saw in my personal living, my relationships, and the world. I realized that me accepting and allowing myself to participate in this behavior was me not only allowing it to exist in my life but I was also perpetuating the existence of porn in this world and all of the abuse and exploitation that goes along with it. Once I saw my responsibility to stand for myself, my partner, my relationship, my family, and those in the world that do not have a voice, the decision was easier. It was also a point where I was looking to stabilize myself and my family and so I was required to make a self-honest decision to remove something that I experienced a great deal of turmoil and conflict with.

When you're ready to take the next step and to stop yourself from being influenced by porn, we're here to assist and support you with the process of doing this for yourself.

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Location: Uppsala, Sweden

Re: This is me.

Post by Anna »

Hi J.

Glad you decided to join!

Many of us participating here on the forum have been porn addicts, so we know how difficult it can be to stop. What literally happens when we watch porn is that we burn the images we see into our minds, like a form of self-programming or brainwashing without even being aware of it. This is also why a lot of guys for example will have images coming up when they see women that they can't even stop, because after watching so much porn, it is like the images becomes a part of you - or in a way, you become a part of it. It is very similar to how we as human beings are affected by advertisements or how soldiers are affected by war. With advertisements we often don't even notice the net that is spun around us, but it is obvious that advertisers wouldn't spend billions on billboards and commercials if it didn't work. With soldiers in war, what sometimes happen is that they become part of something so horrible that they create a split within themselves and cannot find their way back to who they were before - they've changed and find it difficult to live a normal life.

Being a porn addict is, as you quite accurately described - like being a zombie. It is literally like living in two worlds, a secret, shameful, 'sinful' and 'thrilling' alternate reality where it is like this entity comes 'alive' only when watching porn/preparing to watch porn - and then the rest of the time: Living like a shadow almost, trying to act normal and be a good person. What is quite common as well is that people experience themselves having become 'contaminated' after a long period, not unlike soldiers having committed horrible acts in the name of war without being able to share it or speak about it with anyone.

We don't realize that watching porn changes us until it is to late. We don't realize that porn isn't just 'good clean fun' until it's too late. And one of the biggest problems is that there's no help to get anywhere, because either people are all for porn and would judge you for not wanting to watch it - or they would judge you for watching it and condemn you to a life of shame.

What we do here at Desteni is to get to the bottom of how we for example create porn addictions, how it works within our minds with us literally integrating the images that we see to such an extent that it changes us. We work with utilizing writing as a way to get real with ourselves, to get all the suppressed shit out of our system so that we can have it in front of us and actually stand face to face with the 'darkness' of ourselves - so that we can let it go and actually change ourselves through a commitment to taking self-responsibility. We can't do that unless we understand how we've created the addiction in the first place. And we can't even get to that until we stop suppressing and judging ourselves, splitting ourselves into two worlds. Within walking with Desteni I have learned how to forgive myself - not as a fluffy 'feel-good' word - but as an actual act of letting go by facing myself in self-honesty and understanding how I've created for example destructive personalities and behaviors.

Edited to add: Because porn has become a part of us through our constant giving attention to it through watching/masturbating/thinking/imagining/feeling, we literally have to reprogram ourselves to exist without porn - because we've conditioned ourselves to be dependent on porn for 'survival', exactly as you described. This we can practically do through writing.

In the DIP Lite course one is given practical support with how to utilize writing to release yourself from all the guilt, desires, shame, fear, anger that is connected for example to porn addiction. There are no strings attached, it is not public - you can take the course, use it and walk away - or you can take it and share yourself here on the forum so that others may be supported from your process or you can decide to continue investigating how you've created all that you are now within and as the mind as personalities, experiences and thoughts, emotions and feelings - it's up to you. We're simply sharing the support that has been given to each of us by people like ourselves who have proven to themselves that it is possible to stop addictions and stand up from them.

So there is a solution to stop watching porn. And there is an alternative to porn, where one doesn't have to swear of sexuality, but can instead learn how to express oneself sexually and enjoy sexuality in a way that isn't based on generating mental images and energy or abusing self or others, but instead on physical intimacy, self-expression and sharing oneself in enjoyment with another.

So welcome here - enjoy the forum

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Rebecca Dalmas
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Joined: 15 Jun 2011, 05:09

Re: This is me.

Post by Rebecca Dalmas »

So there is a solution to stop watching porn. And there is an alternative to porn, where one doesn't have to swear of sexuality, but can instead learn how to express oneself sexually and enjoy sexuality in a way that isn't based on generating mental images and energy or abusing self or others, but instead on physical intimacy, self-expression and sharing oneself in enjoyment with another.
Cool Anna.

Welcome J. !

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Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:16

Re: This is me.

Post by Marlen »

Hey J

Very cool you're here and you've got support by people that have walked this point demonstrating it is absolutely possible to create a new starting point for your life, yes even when everything seems too lost to get anything done - it will require lots of self-will, yes, discipline, yes but what's important is that you've realized that this is Not the person that you want to be, which means you are willing to support yourself and that's the basic element required to participate in this forum, willingness to learn from others that have walked this point and the volition to then apply the tools used to correct this and any other aspect of ourselves that we see is not what is best for all. We are walking a journey from these pointless meaningless addictive types of personas to giving ourselves a purpose, a living purpose where we realize that the reason why everything is so shitty inside and outside is because we create it within ourselves first, in all aspects of our life and so for sure we've begun focusing more on the problem that porn represents due to the 'normalcy' that it's become within people's lives, when it is not at all, it's vandalism upon a healthy sexual relationship with oneself and others, it's turning sex into some kind of heroin that people become addicted to. Therefore, just as any other addiction, a decision must be made along with the necessary process to establish new living standards for yourself in your day to day living.

A suggestion is that if you agree, we change your name to 'J' until you are comfortable enough to place a name - that's a suggestion so as to realize to what extent we give ourselves names and do not see to what extent we're already 'digging our own grave' with it.

I also suggest checking out the DIP Lite course, but most importantly reading through the blogs shared here to get to know what this forum is about and how do we use writing as a self-supportive tool to establish new living principles for us to actually live and apply from here on.


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Robert-Ben Wier
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Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 22:45

Re: This is me.

Post by Robert-Ben Wier »

Hi J

I've also had major problems in my life with the cycle of porn addiction, the fallout, quitting, going back to it, repeat. I admire your starting point and motivation to bring yourself here, it's very cool

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Location: New York

Re: This is me.

Post by Jeanne »

Hi J,
Thank you for writing about your experience. Your sharing demonstrates the power we have when we come together as a group and stand up –with support – to end our addictions, unhappiness, depression etc . It is because of people like you and the people here – who have been willing to stick their necks out and share what was really going on in their lives and how they really experienced themselves – that I was able to break through my own addictions and break out of the prison I created for myself.

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Re: This is me.

Post by sandymac »

Hi J
Welcome here! And thank you for sharing. Your list sounds similar to mine when I used to drink. I drank alcoholically for about 10 years and have been sober now 9 years. The mind is tricky and the interesting thing is all addiction is essentially the same, looking for that something outside of ourselves as a solution when it is the very thing that is feeding the monster and our problems grow.
I was addicted to porn in my mind/my imagination. I have been able to let much of this go but am still in this process: https://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.c ... diction-1/
There is much support and assistance here. Don't ever give up on yourself-another trick of the mind, lol.

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Re: This is me.

Post by sylvia »

Welcome to the forum J !

There is a section created about porn/sex/masturbation addiction so check it out once it's filled up with topics.

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Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 22:18

Re: This is me.

Post by Gian »

hey J

it is a great step for you to have come here and to take a stand, cool to have you here.

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