Introducing myself, Nick

Nick
Posts: 22
Joined: 23 Jul 2014, 09:09

Introducing myself, Nick

Postby Nick » 23 Jul 2014, 09:23

Hey everyone, I found this forum yesterday as I was surfing through internet about porn addictions. I read a few things on the forum and thought No I dont need this I can do it by myself. I have been walking for 2,5 months through France, Spain. I am home now for a week and yesterday night lost control again and I watched porn.
Fack Fack Fack. So I do need help from others. I am trying to get away from porn now for almost a year. I have periods when it works and periods when I fall back.
I meditate and have a daily rhythm which keeps me focussed. Yesterday I had to drive long and came home very late, I was weak and tired and then it took me over. Still have this girl in my mind that I watched. She's so hot (in my polluted mind).

I need help. Its messing me up. I want to have control. I am still a slave of my enslaved dick.
I tried many things. having a rhythm, do meditation, eat healthy, do yoga, these things really help. It makes me love myself. So its first taking care for yourself and then you begin to love yourself if you loath yourself.

I will read some thread on this forum to get more understanding about how this deeply integrated manipulated seducing something in my system works.

Thank you all for being here.



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sylvia
Posts: 926
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 23:02

Re: Introducing myself, Nick

Postby sylvia » 23 Jul 2014, 10:20

Hi Nick welcome to the forum and cool you took that step to change your situation and direct your porn addiction. We have a section on this forum that is dedicated to addiction, so you can have a look there. What we do here is writing ourselves out and taking self-responsibility for what we have created. So whenever you are ready you can open a thread in the Writing Yourself to Freedom section and/or start with Self-Forgiveness in the Sharing Self Forgiveness section. Many of us walk the 7 Years Journey to Life and blog publicly every day in order to support ourselves and others out there that have the same issues as we do.

We also offer a free online course DIP-Lite where you learn how to start your own writing and Self-Forgiveness with buddy support.

On Eqafe we have a lot of interviews that assist you with various subjects/topics in life. Please check out the free series on masturbation.

We also have a Facebook group where people with a porn addiction come together and discuss their experiences, maybe you've already come across it.

So cool to have you here Nick and please ask any question you'll have regarding your self-development/Desteni materials.

....and I've deleted the double post you've made.

See you around Nick



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Carrie
Posts: 694
Joined: 04 Jul 2011, 09:23
Location: Bucksport, Maine USA

Re: Introducing myself, Nick

Postby Carrie » 23 Jul 2014, 15:29

Hey Nick. Welcome to the forum!



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Lucysprocess
Posts: 19
Joined: 17 Jul 2014, 02:49

Re: Introducing myself, Nick

Postby Lucysprocess » 23 Jul 2014, 21:50

Hi Nick, welcome : )



Marlen
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Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:16
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Re: Introducing myself, Nick

Postby Marlen » 25 Jul 2014, 00:50

Hey everyone, I found this forum yesterday as I was surfing through internet about porn addictions. I read a few things on the forum and thought No I dont need this I can do it by myself. I have been walking for 2,5 months through France, Spain. I am home now for a week and yesterday night lost control again and I watched porn.
Fack Fack Fack. So I do need help from others. I am trying to get away from porn now for almost a year. I have periods when it works and periods when I fall back.
I meditate and have a daily rhythm which keeps me focussed. Yesterday I had to drive long and came home very late, I was weak and tired and then it took me over. Still have this girl in my mind that I watched. She's so hot (in my polluted mind).

I need help. Its messing me up. I want to have control. I am still a slave of my enslaved dick.
I tried many things. having a rhythm, do meditation, eat healthy, do yoga, these things really help. It makes me love myself. So its first taking care for yourself and then you begin to love yourself if you loath yourself.

I will read some thread on this forum to get more understanding about how this deeply integrated manipulated seducing something in my system works.

Thank you all for being here.
Hi Nick, glad you found this forum and realizing: yes it's best when any point of change is done with another/others as reference and from my own experiences, group support is the one reason I am here for and contributing whenever I am able to in order to continue 'passing it forward' based on the support I've gotten here to take real decisions in my life with which I have literally saved my ass from being enrolled in various not very constructive aspects of reality that I was getting involved with before deciding to walk this process.

So, it would be cool if Talamon can share his experience of having walked through that Santiago de Compostela road trip/walking that he did in Spain because I remember it also had like a 'deep' impact and he would mention it a lot at the beginning of his process or some 7 years ago, but then he has realized much more beyond having to do these kind of trips and things to get to realize what he has to change - and from my perspective it does seem like having done that did no-thing to you being able to stop your porn addiction for example, because what happens is that as long as we don't understand our mind, it becomes very difficult to change, because we believe that we 'fall' for the experience instead of realizing and understanding how we program the desire, the need, the want in our minds and so once it is so automated, it takes absolute self will to stop giving into it, feeding it which is when we perceive we 'fall' but it's not a fall, it is just a decision to not want to give up the experience such as the one that you keep feeding when imagining the person and believing it is real and getting an energetic experience out of it toward which you get addicted to. A lot of what you'll read and find in this forum is about understanding this point of addiction to energy, to the thoughts, feelings, emotions in our minds - whether we tag them as 'negative' or positive' same thing.

So it's not your dick that's the problem, it's not masturbation that's the problem, it is who we are within doing so that's the problem, the images of other people we have to have in our minds to get 'satisfaction' which is quite mental in the full sense of the word and it certainly takes a process to 'debunk' since here you have to go understanding how we have come to attach a GOOD feeling to the image of certain people, how we come to be enslaved by our desire for such experience instead of realizing our ability to physically express with ourselves without the need for such 'crutches.' But! Then, you also have the environmental/cultural imprinting that it is 'ok' to watch porn and what do we got now? Many, many, many people going through the exact same point you are right now, and the more we make of it a 'battle' the worse it becomes.


Here we mostly learn how to decide to stop an addiction based on stopping the belief that 'we need it' or just doing something because 'we can' - it does involve a form of 'giving it up' or 'sacrifice' but not really a form of sacrifice since it is removing a rather destructive pattern - as you've seen and confirmed here - to get to a point of stability, because I mean: no one really wants to be enslaved by something that is consuming you and your ability to even have a proper ability to sexually express, because porn eventually does fuck with yourself/your mind and so with real-relationships. Therefore, a definitively necessary point to consider here is working on identifying the experience: the excitement/pleasure/exhileration/control/power that might be created through that participation in porn and being willing to stop it, release it through not feeding it/not participating it and letting it go.

There's no other way to that and the same applies to any other self-destructive pattern, we only continue feeding it because it is in our 'mind-nature' to self-destruct, sabotage and ruin our ability to change. So that's how there are very specific tools of self-support here to learn how to make decisions from a self-willed and self-informed starting point, rather than continuing to battle within the same ego/mind-frame within which we created the problem - and to learn how to identify the difference between our ego/mind and who we really are as the person we can be, we walk this process of writing, applying self.forgiveness, sharing, cross referencing each other, testing out practical ways to change and sharing them, as that's how we also not only focus on 'one's own change' but also on supporting each other to change for the best we can become, which is so needed in this world right now where no solutions are usually seen or shared.

So, cool you are here, feel free to share more about yourself, what you struggle, which plans of action you have to change and definitely suggest to start writing as well and sharing here as that's what is also supportive, to reference ourselves as our own minds and not get lost all alone trying to find pieces to a puzzle that others might have already walked effectively, and you can for sure read more about it here in the forum.

Enjoy sharing and looking forward to read more from you



Nick
Posts: 22
Joined: 23 Jul 2014, 09:09

Re: Introducing myself, Nick

Postby Nick » 25 Jul 2014, 08:32

Thank you a lot Marlen. I feel your support. Yes I need support.

Ive got a lot of things on my mind and want to do many things. I don't have one focus. I should make this my focus first. Stick with it for a while and slow myself down. Oke I offer up my shitty decisions and mind here.
Yesterday I felt to pull towards porn. I slowed myself down and inventively I ended up looking at porno graphic pictures on google. Instead of watching a video.
Men where have I ended up in this life. The reality is that this is me. A 23 year old addicted to porn. Its sad that this is nothing rare with modern men. I do want end this, I do want to change, I do want to make this world cleaner. I want to be clean, I want to embody my truth and I want to express myself. But I cannot because I am unclean. I am full of dirt. Maybe pure hearted but with sticky dirt on it. I want to be myself!! I cannot be myself in front of other. Nobody knows me. I cannot show myself because they would think I am crazy. I CARE TO MUCH ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF ME. still! I dont want to confuse people, I dont want to hurt people. But truth is confusing, truth is painful. How can I tell my truth to people when they are not asking for it. I am getting stuck in this. Who really dares to speak his or hers truth. If there is someone around in Holland who is not afraid for having a real conversation I would like to talk to that one. My throat centre would love you.

Oke Nick you deviate. Slow it down, it was about porn. I think Ive said (here, somewhere else or in my dairy) everything already about this subject and there nothing more to say. It comes down to action. Its all in the actions I make.

I reread your post Marlen and found this.

Marlen wrote: We only continue feeding it because it is in our 'mind-nature' to self-destruct, sabotage and ruin our ability to change.

This is not true. It is not in our mind's nature. Our true Nature is clean. Or if not you can try to kick me of my believe.
Our Nature is natural. But it is programmed, conditioned with many overlays. Because of ancestral, perinatal, cultural, personal preferences.



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sylvia
Posts: 926
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 23:02

Re: Introducing myself, Nick

Postby sylvia » 25 Jul 2014, 09:16

Hey Nick I'm Dutch and not afraid of a real conversation and with me there is a whole group of Dutch people on this forum. We have even our own section at the forum.

The whole point about being clean and unclean is quite interesting. You do feel unclean when masturbating on porn/looking for porn/giving into porn right? And you believe humans to be clean/pure. So when you give into porn you experience being dirty and not pure anymore? Where does such thoughts originate from? Were you brought up religious? Were you told as a kid that it is bad to be intimate with your own body?

You see we are not really pure even when we are born, we carry the sin of the fathers, meaning if we do not stop all those behaviors thought patterns and traditions that are part of ones family, certain behaviors,thought patterns and traditions may go on for ever. So the porn addiction maybe connected, as many other factors that contribute to it, to this polarity of wanting to get rid of the feeling to be dirty and thus you end up doing exactly that which makes you experience yourself as dirty/not pure anymore. I mean with porn pictures on your retina you may feel yourself dirty and no longer in control over your own actions. Did you already have a chance to listen to the masturbation series? I would strongly suggest to do so, together with writing, about for instance such topics as clean versus unclean, to unravel all the beliefs and opinions behind it. Just place your writings on the forum or in Dutch on the Dutch forum and others can assist and support you.



Nick
Posts: 22
Joined: 23 Jul 2014, 09:09

Re: Introducing myself, Nick

Postby Nick » 28 Jul 2014, 17:27

Thanks Sylvia

Sylivia: You do feel unclean when masturbating on porn/looking for porn/giving into porn right?

yes

Sylvia: And you believe humans to be clean/pure.

Humans can be clean/pure. Only I have never met one. Takes work.

Sylvia: So when you give into porn you experience being dirty and not pure anymore?

Being dirty yes. unclean. sad. hate. unbeloved.

Where does such thoughts originate from?

Happens when you choose to go against your nature. against Nature.

Were you brought up religious?

No. started believing in the greater when I was 21.

Were you told as a kid that it is bad to be intimate with your own body?

Never by my parents.
I did one time masturbate with other friends when I was 10. But after that I got bullied by older boys because of it. That must have had a big impact on me.

Im doing the destiny-course. I believe this will work. I thank the Destini support.



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sylvia
Posts: 926
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 23:02

Re: Introducing myself, Nick

Postby sylvia » 28 Jul 2014, 17:57

Okay so you do feel unclean when masturbating on porn/looking for porn/ giving into porn. Maybe you can look back where this originated from, and see what are the thoughts behind it? What is giving the impression/feeling that you're unclean afterwards? You said it is sadness, hate and feeling unloved. So could I say that these emotions are directed towards yourself? Do you feel sad about the addiction, hate it and you search for love in this particular way? So yes it's cool to find the emotions behind it, which indicate how you see yourself, what you expect from yourself and what it is that moves you into certain patterns.

"Where does such thoughts originate from?" Mostly of not being able to love ourselves and be intimate and self-honest with ourselves. In a way we know what it takes to improve ourselves, though when we are stuck in patterns like addictions it is hard to see where to break through it. So once you know what your thoughts/fears/opinions are in relation to the addiction, you can check whether they are real or not and make commitments with yourself to change that which is not effective for you and your surroundings. Such thoughts originate from pre-programming, genetics, education and socialization.

Indeed you never met one that met the criteria of your clean/pure definition, we've yet to create this.

Sometimes religion contribute to these ideas that being intimate with oneself or a partner is not pure, so that's why I asked you, though it's one of the many reasons why one can have this unclean feeling.

Okay the bullying is a cool start to begin writing about, what intense feelings and emotions came from it? And yes start with the DIP Lite course and learn how to do the writing/self-forgiveness and then at a later stage walk these kind of memories when you're ready. Cool Nick you started the course!



Nick
Posts: 22
Joined: 23 Jul 2014, 09:09

Re: Introducing myself, Nick

Postby Nick » 28 Jul 2014, 18:40

S:What is giving the impression/feeling that you're unclean afterwards?

The porn makes me feel unclean. Because it is fucking up my mind. Messing with my sexuality and sexual preferences. I look at woman only to see if they are ''hot''.
I look at them and fantasize how I could have sex with them and how they would look naked.
Porn is like Mc Donalds, you want to it something simple and something you think is tasty. Its not healthy at all and its not tasty at all but the food taste good cause you already so far away from your nature. Even our taste for food is programmed/conditioned. And after eating at MC Donalds you feel unclean, unsatisfied and within an hour you are hungry again.

S: You said it is sadness, hate and feeling unloved. So could I say that these emotions are directed towards yourself?

Yes. self-hate which creates sadness and lack of self love/respect.

S: Do you feel sad about the addiction, hate it and you search for love in this particular way?

I feel sad about myself having the addiction, Partly the addiction is me. I think yes I search for love in this way, also to admire the female body, I love woman. Also to relieve myself from uncomfortable feelings which I think ultimately arise out of a lack of self-love.

S: So yes it's cool to find the emotions behind it, which indicate how you see yourself, what you expect from yourself and what it is that moves you into certain patterns.

Not cool.
Interesting, clearing yes.

Thank you. Do not hesitate if/when you want to ask more.




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