Nice description of an addiction Nick. So because of already in your mind consuming the 'big mac' it is a disappointment within reality and by consuming within reality you do feel unclean, simply because you can see what you are doing/consuming. It's a quick fix that doesn't last long. If you can see that, you most probably can also see that the problem is those first thoughts about the 'big mac'. If you are able to stop the first thoughts about it, you're able to not follow up on the thoughts with actions and that's a process to walk. Best thing to keep a diary/writings to see when you fall back and when you succeed, so basically it all comes down to writing, slowing yourself down and seeing what is actually happening.The porn makes me feel unclean. Because it is fucking up my mind. Messing with my sexuality and sexual preferences. I look at woman only to see if they are ''hot''.
I look at them and fantasize how I could have sex with them and how they would look naked.
Porn is like Mc Donalds, you want to it something simple and something you think is tasty. Its not healthy at all and its not tasty at all but the food taste good cause you already so far away from your nature. Even our taste for food is programmed/conditioned. And after eating at MC Donalds you feel unclean, unsatisfied and within an hour you are hungry again.
Yes, you have become the addiction and self pity is most likely holding you in the same position. It is a start to admit this, the next step is to take over from the addiction and direct yourself from a point of self-honesty and no longer taking shit from you addicted personality.I feel sad about myself having the addiction, Partly the addiction is me. I think yes I search for love in this way, also to admire the female body, I love woman. Also to relieve myself from uncomfortable feelings which I think ultimately arise out of a lack of self-love.
Enjoying the female expression is okay, I for instance enjoyed drawing or modeling female bodies from life models, though there was nothing sexual to it. And when things turn sexual from a point of being equal it's different then using another's body/picture to relieve yourself. I would strongly advise you to listen to the free Eqafe masturbation interviews to get more perspective on it.
So see for yourself if there are already some points you would like to work/write with/about on the forum. Did you already check out the stories of others on this forum that struggled with a porn addiction?