Introducing myself, Nick

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sylvia
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Re: Introducing myself, Nick

Postby sylvia » 28 Jul 2014, 21:40

The porn makes me feel unclean. Because it is fucking up my mind. Messing with my sexuality and sexual preferences. I look at woman only to see if they are ''hot''.
I look at them and fantasize how I could have sex with them and how they would look naked.
Porn is like Mc Donalds, you want to it something simple and something you think is tasty. Its not healthy at all and its not tasty at all but the food taste good cause you already so far away from your nature. Even our taste for food is programmed/conditioned. And after eating at MC Donalds you feel unclean, unsatisfied and within an hour you are hungry again.
Nice description of an addiction Nick. So because of already in your mind consuming the 'big mac' it is a disappointment within reality and by consuming within reality you do feel unclean, simply because you can see what you are doing/consuming. It's a quick fix that doesn't last long. If you can see that, you most probably can also see that the problem is those first thoughts about the 'big mac'. If you are able to stop the first thoughts about it, you're able to not follow up on the thoughts with actions and that's a process to walk. Best thing to keep a diary/writings to see when you fall back and when you succeed, so basically it all comes down to writing, slowing yourself down and seeing what is actually happening.
I feel sad about myself having the addiction, Partly the addiction is me. I think yes I search for love in this way, also to admire the female body, I love woman. Also to relieve myself from uncomfortable feelings which I think ultimately arise out of a lack of self-love.
Yes, you have become the addiction and self pity is most likely holding you in the same position. It is a start to admit this, the next step is to take over from the addiction and direct yourself from a point of self-honesty and no longer taking shit from you addicted personality.

Enjoying the female expression is okay, I for instance enjoyed drawing or modeling female bodies from life models, though there was nothing sexual to it. And when things turn sexual from a point of being equal it's different then using another's body/picture to relieve yourself. I would strongly advise you to listen to the free Eqafe masturbation interviews to get more perspective on it.

So see for yourself if there are already some points you would like to work/write with/about on the forum. Did you already check out the stories of others on this forum that struggled with a porn addiction?



Nick
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Joined: 23 Jul 2014, 09:09

Re: Introducing myself, Nick

Postby Nick » 30 Jul 2014, 19:43

Thank Sylvia,

Yes these audio files about mastrubation is interesting. I try to make myself listen to it. Its good info. And helps to understand.

I skimmed over some writings from others but I havent really red yet. I want to but I dont like to do that. Should put myself to it. Should make this problem of mine number one priority. Takes effort, takes time. Im glad I started this forum and listening to the audio files.

Would you like to meet one time? I am living in Alkmaar. But in about 2 months I will move to Vorden(lies next to Zutphen). I would like to hear about your destini process and get some context about this from someone by speaking with someone.



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sylvia
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Re: Introducing myself, Nick

Postby sylvia » 30 Jul 2014, 20:03

Hi Nick I do not live nearby, I live in the South of the Netherlands. From time to time we do organize meetings amongst the Dutch Destonians that are enrolled in the Desteni courses. You could start doing the DIP Lite in Dutch or English and have your own buddy to guide you through it.



Nick
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Joined: 23 Jul 2014, 09:09

Re: Introducing myself, Nick

Postby Nick » 04 Aug 2014, 20:13

I would like to be at a dutch destini meeting.

Something I found out these days is that I judge more that I thought. I judged myself for watching porn. I was like porn is bad and wrong.
Yesterday I watched 3 short videos of porn. Then I stopped it and masturbated myself to get myself away from porn. I thought at least it better than having these images in my mind. I try to not feel guilty about it anymore. It doesn't work to blame myself. It doesn't work to call porn bad or wrong. Its a judgement. And when I tell myself that it is wrong that it becomes a forbidden area.

Porn is not bad and not wrong. But it does not serve me. It is not healthy for my system, it is not beneficial for my being.
If I call it bad or wrong, than a part of myself will go like ''fuck it, fuck the world, fuck your judgements, fuck yourself, fuck your perceptions of the yourself and the world, fuck the universe, I don't want to deal with all that so I am going to watch porn''.
It is unbelievable how this works but it is like this. Judgments does not work. They create a bigger problem. Judgements create problems from problems and problems from solutions. hahaha isnt it fascinating.



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sylvia
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Re: Introducing myself, Nick

Postby sylvia » 04 Aug 2014, 21:49

Porn is not bad and not wrong. But it does not serve me. It is not healthy for my system, it is not beneficial for my being.
Cool Nick, so how will you, when a next time arrives that you feel the urge to watch porn and masturbate on it, prevent this from happening?

Can you already see some sort of a pattern within yourself, that unfolds each time, before you are at this point of actually sitting behind a screen and watch porn? Because it would be interesting to see why and how these feelings and emotions build up to the point that you act upon them.



Nick
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Joined: 23 Jul 2014, 09:09

Re: Introducing myself, Nick

Postby Nick » 06 Aug 2014, 19:52

S: Cool Nick, so how will you, when a next time arrives that you feel the urge to watch porn and masturbate on it, prevent this from happening?

Try to remind myself that this is my main priority in my life right now. That if I keep doing this I wont get any further. And going further is everything to me.
I just had a little urge and thought gotta eat chocolate or take something else not so healthy. Ive patterns in me that need unhealthy things to keep the patterns alive. Parts of me need to die.
When I feel the urge it helps to get onto this forum and do writing work. Or the DIP course helps a lot to.

I have resistance to reply to people on the forum because I have to look inside and reflect myself. Also it feel like taking responsibility for my actions and thoughts.
But it costs will and energy. Taking self responsibility really resonates with me. I want to do that as much as I can.

S: Can you already see some sort of a pattern within yourself, that unfolds each time, before you are at this point of actually sitting behind a screen and watch porn?

Its most of the time when I am off my daily ritme/routine. So I have to be aware of the weekends and traveling or going out and thus to late to bed. At these moments I don't feel like having a fundament. I get stability out of the daily ritme's, wake up when the sun comes up and go to bed when the sun go's down. This way nature supports me and it makes me vital and thus more focussed and less lazy and thus I do not succumb quick.
Also a big support is doing daily spiritual practice, like breathing exorcises, meditation, self-massage, yoga, mantra.

I will come back to your question of unfold patterns. I cant grasp them now.



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sylvia
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Re: Introducing myself, Nick

Postby sylvia » 06 Aug 2014, 21:08

Can you already see some sort of a pattern within yourself, that unfolds each time, before you are at this point of actually sitting behind a screen and watch porn?
What I meant with patterns that unfold each time is: are there certain thoughts/emotion/feelings that are each time the same and within in you before you find yourself behind a screen watching porn? To give an example within another context: you might find yourself feeling down every time before you start craving chocolate and actually eating chocolate. You might find yourself feeling anxious every time before you light a cigaret. You might find yourself feeling inferior every time before you bully your kid brother. Make sense? There is always emotions/feelings/thoughts/fears that lead up to another event, as an outflow. When you see and understand the initial pattern you can tackle it and prevent the outflow from happening.



Nick
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Joined: 23 Jul 2014, 09:09

Re: Introducing myself, Nick

Postby Nick » 15 Aug 2014, 20:06

I do not feel down when I have the urge to watch porn.
The urge to watch porn makes me feel down because I know I will feel bad afterwards when I do it. When I have a lazy energy level I sometimes get the temptation. When I think I deserved it, or my mind makes me think I deserved it.
definitely when I feel restless. When I have a restless mind then there is temptation to make the step to watch it. Thats why meditation helps so well. I get a peaceful mind with a point of focus.
As long as I keep doing my daily routine practices I got myself in control. I can take a step back when I feel the temptation.
the spiritual practice is my support. As long as I do that I can get myself away from it. So this is my main priority. I love the practice, although its sometimes hard to take the step to do the practice. But when I am in the practice I love it and feel myself get more confident and secure and at the right place.



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sylvia
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Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 23:02

Re: Introducing myself, Nick

Postby sylvia » 15 Aug 2014, 22:13

So are you saying that when you feel restless and you have a low energy level the temptation of wanting to watch porn is there? And in that moment of temptation you apply meditation, when not experiencing resistances, which gives you the feeling of confidence and security?

Then my question is: when you came to this forum you said:
I need help. Its messing me up. I want to have control. I am still a slave of my enslaved dick.
I tried many things. having a rhythm, do meditation, eat healthy, do yoga, these things really help. It makes me love myself. So its first taking care for yourself and then you begin to love yourself if you loath yourself.
So Nick where are you at, this very moment, when you express that meditation is your thing and makes you care/love about yourself? Are you planning/willing to unravel the patterns that are behind the restlessness or does your journey within yourself stops here as you found a solution within meditation? Here on this forum we try to assist and support ourselves with (or without) the assistance and the support of the others.That takes self-movement, that's what we do we take back the direction over our lives through Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective-Statements where we correct ourselves in real time. It's perfectly okay if you found your solution within mediation, though does that include or exclude self-reflection on this point?



Nick
Posts: 22
Joined: 23 Jul 2014, 09:09

Re: Introducing myself, Nick

Postby Nick » 17 Aug 2014, 12:41

I cannot say where I am at. It must be 2 weeks ago since Ive watched porn. I try to not focuss on this subject and just do my spiritual practice. I cannot say am free from it. If I say this it would make the temptation bigger because my mind can trick me. It can say I am free so I can watch it again.
So what I do is not giving attention to any related subject to porn. It works.

I like your directness Sylvia.

My process does not stop here. My life is about being in process. This process works for me so I go further. I am busy with the DIP course.
I take it slow but I want to participate on this forum more often. I really do want to take self-responsibility for my thoughts and actions.




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