Hi Desteni

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lloydkjackson
Posts: 2
Joined: 07 May 2019, 00:03

Hi Desteni

Postby lloydkjackson » 07 May 2019, 01:25

hello all,

I wondered if I would ever return to Desteni, I wanted to, but couldn't find it within myself any sense of self-commitment. Fears of proving to everyone that I am completely full of shit. Fears of proving to everyone that, yeah, dude talks the talk, but sure don't walk the walk. Thoughts of assaults on my oh so precious character. Fears of being rejected, oh this one especially.
Now, I am a little concerned that I might end up going down the same path again because this appears like that this might be an event driven endeavor.
Let me explain. My biological father Lloyd Kenneth Randell Sr. was killed in Laos, in April of 1972. I was born Lloyd Kenneth Randell Jr. in October of 1972.
My dad's funeral was the following month in May in Michigan. His body was accompanied by his co-workers at Air America. Air America was an airline run by the CIA that conducted secret operations in southeast Asia during the Vietnam-American war.
The Air America pilots that attended his funeral were not well received by the Randells. Some of them did not believe it was his body. The issue that really caused a ruckus was that they told them about Lloyd's future son, to be born, me. My mom was still in Laos, she and my father were married a approximately a year prior under Lao law.
Sparing the details, Mom sent Grandma a photo of me when I was born, and as I understand it, we were rejected as not worthy to be part of the Randell family.
Fast forward 47 years. My father's younger sister's daughter, my first cousin, Christine contacted Air America to find me. Well, cutting to the chase, she told me that she and some of my aunts and uncles had searched over the years to contact us, and for her it has been a lifelong quest to find her long lost cousin.
Anyway, this really opened up an opportunity for me. I was about to meet, over video call, my cousin, aunt and uncle.
I was running through scenarios, on how to behave, and how I need to present myself, and I decided I would just expose myself as I am. At first, I thought that it was their acceptance of me that gave me the ability to just express who I am.
However, after writing back and forth to Christine, I realized that, in reality, I have had the ability all along. That the fear of being rejected is what has, for all these years, prevented me from showing anyone the actual me in its entirety. I realized that I am the one that has accepted and allowed this fear have power over me, and through writing, I realized that I can do this anytime I wish. The only thing preventing me from expressing self, is me. That it is me that holds the keys, I just need to face the fears as myself, as they are presented.
Just stand in the face of the fear and realize that I only have self. That there is no choice to be anything but self. No matter how much I hide, no matter what I portray myself to be, "I" remains unchanged.
I can see that years ago, my involvement with Desteni was something I approached as a social network, a chance to gain acceptance from out there. Blinded to the fact that only I have the ability to accept or reject myself.

So with that, I will just say that it's nice to be here.



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Carlton
Posts: 910
Joined: 15 Sep 2013, 22:52
Location: California/Nevada

Re: Hi Desteni

Postby Carlton » 07 May 2019, 20:39

Hey lloydkjackson, welcome back, I to agree that writing is a cool way to open up things, if you haven't already a cool place to start is DIP Lite free online course, just follow the link.



Gabriel
Posts: 112
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 21:07
Location: Ghent

Re: Hi Desteni

Postby Gabriel » 08 May 2019, 20:46

However, after writing back and forth to Christine, I realized that, in reality, I have had the ability all along. That the fear of being rejected is what has, for all these years, prevented me from showing anyone the actual me in its entirety. I realized that I am the one that has accepted and allowed this fear have power over me, and through writing, I realized that I can do this anytime I wish. The only thing preventing me from expressing self, is me. That it is me that holds the keys, I just need to face the fears as myself, as they are presented.
Just stand in the face of the fear and realize that I only have self. That there is no choice to be anything but self. No matter how much I hide, no matter what I portray myself to be, "I" remains unchanged.
I can see that years ago, my involvement with Desteni was something I approached as a social network, a chance to gain acceptance from out there. Blinded to the fact that only I have the ability to accept or reject myself.

So with that, I will just say that it's nice to be here.

Cool realisations LLoyd.

Welcome back!



Marlen
Posts: 4329
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:16
Contact:

Re: Hi Desteni

Postby Marlen » 09 May 2019, 17:48

The only thing preventing me from expressing self, is me. That it is me that holds the keys, I just need to face the fears as myself, as they are presented.
Just stand in the face of the fear and realize that I only have self. That there is no choice to be anything but self. No matter how much I hide, no matter what I portray myself to be, "I" remains unchanged.
I can see that years ago, my involvement with Desteni was something I approached as a social network, a chance to gain acceptance from out there. Blinded to the fact that only I have the ability to accept or reject myself.

Hi Lloyd, cool to read you again and to see what you've realized in the meantime. I almost agree with what Gabriel has quoted because that's the key right there and I was just pondering about this very same thing right before reading your words on how we are the ones that tell ourselves stories as to why we can't do something, but in the end as we write them out or tell them, we realize it's all bs, sure it's part of our lives but we are the only ones that determine the amount of power we give away to those excuses and justifications. Also cool to know what your approach back then was and how that led you to have to find yourself in it all, to be your own starting point and come back here from that perspective. So, no judgments on what was or wasn't, we all have to learn from the past mistakes and simply focus on what we decide to live from here on.

I agree with Carlton's suggestion to do DIP Lite since it will assist you getting into the basics with this new starting point you have.

Thanks for sharing and see you around



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lloydkjackson
Posts: 2
Joined: 07 May 2019, 00:03

Re: Hi Desteni

Postby lloydkjackson » 11 May 2019, 17:49

Thanks for the warm welcome, everyone. Another thing that I see in the approach I had taken before, was the "need" to be always correct. Not really expressing self. But just stating"correct" statements so I couldn't be challenged by anyone at Desteni. Not realizing that being incorrect is an opportunity in which to see the mistakes, and correct that which does not support myself as an actual expression of who I am here.
I began DIP lite a few days ago.



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Godfrey
Posts: 29
Joined: 21 Oct 2018, 16:49

Re: Hi Desteni

Postby Godfrey » 12 May 2019, 14:18

welcome back I am also revisiting the desteni material and couldn't agree more with your sentiments.
Its easy to talk the talk, but to walk it and breath it is another thing entirely.


my religion is to do good and my country is the world

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YoganBarrientos
Posts: 284
Joined: 03 Sep 2011, 23:19
Location: Miami, Florida

Re: Hi Desteni

Postby YoganBarrientos » 12 May 2019, 23:46

Hi Lloyd,
I'm glad you are here!




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