Kristina's Blogs

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Re: Kristina's Blogs

Postby Kristina » 06 Aug 2015, 07:16

420: Change is a Process

To wrap up the previous points within my self forgiveness and self corrective statements and commitments to change this point, I’ve realized or was reminded of the following.

Like with anything that is new, or unfamiliar, or that you don’t have experience with, there can be fear. It’s like the fear of the unknown, or actually the matter of having to change, or learn something new, or try something different, different from how you’ve always been, or lived, or done things. So with this point of the fear of standing at a computer station at work that was suggested to have higher traffic, it was a fear of making a mistake, because I am new to the job, and the responsibilities, and while I was learning everything about how to do the job, I had a fear of having more contact with the guests and actually more experience with potential situations that may come up during the job. So while in essence, or from one perspective, it’s clear to see that that would be the place one would want to stand, where you are going to get more direct experience with the job you are learning. Though what I found for myself is I wanted to hide from it, I wanted to not actually have to face those points or experience, or potential situations based on an idea that a) I couldn’t handle it, and b) fear of making a mistake, and c) fear of conflict with others.

So through the self-forgiveness process, I’ve realized that is actually a cool opportunity for me to firstly face my fear of standing in the higher traffic computer stations, as well as to get more direct experience of the job that is required of me, and this can only support in me becoming better and more efficient within the job. So interesting that I would run from such an opportunity and not instead embrace it as the support to better fulfill my potential in the job.

So since writing these points out, I have committed myself to standing at those computer stations that I feared, and I have done so. And what I am finding, and this is where the reminder came in, because like any fear or resistance I’ve walked through, you do end up walking through it and it’s no longer a fear or resistance. You get to the ‘other side’ and realize you are okay, and the fear or resistance was really just made bigger/more/scarier in your mind, and that there can even be enjoyment in that process. So same goes for this scenario, I walked through my fear, stood at the computer stations I didn’t want to, and put myself ‘out there’ in a way to face any and all possible scenarios, and I also found that it did support in my getting to know the job better, and ways to approach it, handle it, and how to deal with certain situations.

So grateful for this point, as with any resistance I’ve walked through, in showing me that I am capable. Really though, it comes down to self – self making that decision to move through, and not accept and allow any fear or resistance to limit one’s expression, skills, or move-ability within their environment.

Though I no longer have a fear of standing at certain computer stations, there are still aspects of this point that are playing out, or existent within me – such as not making eye contact with guests specifically so that they don’t come to me, lol. Or wanting to answer the phone so that I am busy in case a guest comes to the front desk needing something. Lol – it’s funny because we will come up with all sorts of things to remain within our fear, that we believe is where we are most comfortable.

So still points to work with in relation to my previous blogs, which I will continue to walk and direct within myself. Though that is the process. Once you remove one layer/dimension/aspect, there you will find the rest. It’s cool though because in that, you are removing the layers, one by one, like a onion, to get to the core, to the beginning, to the source of who I’ve created myself to be. And that is the purpose of the Journey to life. One blog at a time, one point at a time, one day at a time, one breath at a time, until it’s done.

Thanks for being here with me on my Journey.

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Re: Kristina's Blogs

Postby Kristina » 01 Sep 2015, 07:22

421: Karma - Leaving a Mark in this World


First thing I saw when looking at this word was ‘a mark’. So when you move the letters around, there exists ‘a mark’. And that is also essentially how one can look at the word and it’s definition. Karma is the mark you leave within this world – it’s the wake you leave behind wherever you go. It is how you influence the world around you, it is the mark you leave.

Now growing up, I always saw or defined the word karma as something you get back to you – whether you are good or bad, whatever happens to you, is your karma. It’s like the mark you leave in this world comes right back at you. Another way I’ve heard it said is, ‘what comes around, goes around’.

And now what's interesting about this is how, growing up, this word was always placed in the context of spite. Like ‘they will get what’s coming to them” or “karma’s a bitch”. Lol – always based within a reaction towards someone. Like if you disliked how a person behaved, or you felt personally attacked by someone, or just felt hurt or disgusted with them, it would be like a way to make yourself feel better, and even righteous in relation to them - ‘karma will bite them in the ass’, kind of thing.

What I find most interesting about this is that while there are always consequences to our actions, and that we do in fact leave a ‘mark’ in this world based upon who we are and how we live, our nature has been of seeing this in the context of spite and to apparently be better than others. For instance, somehow we look down at other in our judgment of their ‘wrong doing’ and think, ‘they will get what they deserve’, without really considering what karma is, how we have defined it, and how we actually exist as karma ourselves. I mean is there any consideration of our own karma – our own mark we are leaving in this world? Or are we too busy worried about how another will get their karma that’s coming to them, we forget to see and realize our own responsibility – or how we actually in fact create our own karma?

The fact that we have used karma against each other, enjoying others potential bad fortune as ‘what they deserve’, we have not considered what this actually reveals about our own nature and who we are as a whole, and how that leaves a mark on this world as the karma we create. And of course how karma in fact exists as ‘do unto another as you would have done unto you’. That is a living principle, which if lived in a self-honest way, we would support each other to become aware of how we are living, what we do to each other, and how we are in fact living words, such a karma, and how that influence the world, and those in it, around us. How we live as the word Karma, for example, reveals a part of our Human Nature, and take a look - there exists spite. And so we create spite in this world our our own nature lived out, or own karma being created because what exists within each one, exists within all equally.

Currently – our definition of karma is an example of how we live words, based on how we define them and use them in our day to day life, and how they exits within ourselves, as a point of separation – to keep each other separated, to see each other as separate from ourselves and to use it against each other in our imaginary war of trying to be better than others. The only reason we do this is because we know we are in fact not living in the most self-honest way, within our utmost potential, and within our own deceptive nature, we want others to suffer and we want to call others out on ‘their shit’ without taking into consideration our own responsibility.

So perhaps this can be a lesson to us all – to look at who we are as the words we live – how do you define karma? And how does that reflect the nature of yourself? Is it in relation to others and them getting what they deserve, like a form of punishment? How we define words is how we live words, and how we live worlds is who we are at our very fundamental level – and that is the starting point from which we created our whole world – equally, together.

And herein exists the solution. Redefine words – purify ourselves as the living word so that we no longer exist within spite as the words we speak and live, and instead find a practical, ‘best for all’ approach to how we express and interact with each other. Of course, this always starts with ourselves. So stop wishing for Karma to put other's in their place, and instead, find your own place within the responsibility you have to life equally. What is the mark you are leaving in this World?

A very cool definition was given for Karma which sums up the point nicely. Your starting point is the truth of who you are within all that you do, and the outflow as how you create your life.

Karma is a Sanskrit term that literally means "action" or "doing". In the Buddhist tradition, karma refers to action driven by intention (cetana), which leads to future consequences.

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Re: Kristina's Blogs

Postby Kristina » 15 Sep 2015, 03:13

422: I Suck at Success!


I’ve never had a relationship to this word. Or well, perhaps I have, the it’s been of one of separation. What do I mean by separation? Success was never a word I could relate to, or one that I ever thought I lived. It seemed so far off – away from who and what and how I am – as if to exist in some other part of reality that I was not a part of.

And now I find myself venturing into a new direction for work and this is a point emerging that exists in conflict. The work/business is that to produce success – not just for myself, but for others as well, yet how can I possibly do that if I’ve never been able to even relate to the word?

So I will here sort out how I’ve defined the word and define it new for myself, one that I can relate to and one that I can practically live, and thus support others to live as well.

Though, let’s go back to the beginning.

As I’ve mentioned, I’ve never been able to relate to the word success, it just didn’t exist in my reality – it was no where in my environment. Success was someone who had a lot of money, or who was really smart, and to me it seemed an awful like a lot of good luck. I didn’t have good luck, nor the fortune, as money, that I associated with the word success.

So success to me was non-existent, it was for a lucky few in the world. Those with rich parents, or a talent people payed a lot of money to see or be entertained by, or even one who was really smart, and could afford to go to a fancy university and really make something of themselves.

To me, success what not in the cards. I suppose I settled on an idea about myself and my life being only mediocre.

What I find most interesting about this definition I had to the word success throughout my life, is that I didn’t really see the process, or effort, one may have to put into actually materializing success in their life. I didn’t consider someone who worked really hard in school to make the grades to get a scholarship to a great university – the discipline, and persistence and constant developing of a particular skill to get to where they wanted to be. I only saw the end result, and often that was enough to use as a comparison to where I was, and seeing it as so far from where I would ever be.

Now though, I realize the basics of physical reality – that things don’t just instantaneously materialize – there is no just thing as instant gratification - not of anything that is real of course. There is space and time, and daily accumulation of particular habits and actions that shape and form and manifest one’s life. So ultimately it’s up to the individual what their life consists of, and whether or not that is successful.

Now I do also realize that some are ‘fortunate’ and are born into a situation where they immediately are successfully, or their process/journey/road to success is not far – they essentially have all they need to fulfill a potential that can create success in their life. That is one aspect of our reality that is unequal and unfair, not all given the same starting point to fulfill their utmost potential – though that is a different topic on a different blog.

Here, what I am saying is that some, depending on their environment, have an easier time to create success in their life. And of course, it depends on how one defines success. How I have and do currently look at it is in the context of work, and of course money. I realize that real success is not dependent upon something outside and separate from me, though I also realize that I’ve separated myself from the word success. And through my idea/definition of the word success, I've built my life.

I’ve given it a positive energy association, matched by images of people smiling with nice cars, and a graduation cap and gown on, living in a big house with what seems to be no concerns in the world. And on the other hand, I’ve created the polarity – the failure – the negative equal to the positive definition. And that is what I’ve defined as who I am. I relate more to the failure than the success. And that is where the conflict came in.

I am standing before a journey to empower myself and others within a business structure that I’ve been preparing for for quite some time, and yet I am conflicted. Conflicted because it is the ultimate definition of what success should be – empowering self and others equally in multiple areas of one’s life, and yet I feel dis-empowered, hopeless, and useless even because despite my understanding of 'how' to move myself to create a business and direct myself within the business to produce results, there is an experience influencing me to give up before I even start.

That is when I realized the words success, failure and my relationship to these words, has had and is still influencing me within my life, and until I sort that out – and give it a new meaning/definition/livable application, I will remain stuck in an idea about myself.

So that is what I would like to do with this and upcoming blogs. Share my process of redefining success.

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Re: Kristina's Blogs

Postby Kristina » 16 Sep 2015, 06:03

423: When the Energy Runs Out

Continuing with opening the word Success - how I've defined it and lived it throughout my life.

I have a memory in my life, in my early twenties, where I become quite obsessed with the idea of making money. I was full of desire, and wanted an escape from my life, and I thought if I invested a lot of money in this specific course, I would be able to do just that. I spent one weekend at a seminar, and over $1000 on material, and a few weeks to follow of research for something that did not play out as I expected.

The desire to succeed, which was really the desire for more money/financial freedom was the motivation, though I did not at that stage understand what it actually takes to create something – I simply just wanted results NOW.

After not getting what I was expecting, thinking if I just threw enough money, and had certain material, things would just work out for me – though of course that is now how it works, and I simply gave up. The energy as the desire depleted and I was left feeling like a failure. I was quite sure ‘this was it’ and ‘it could work’, though I didn’t consider the space and time it would take to create – the consistency in my daily application, my commitment and discipline to walk the point I was walking. I just got caught up in the hype and when that ran out, there was nothing left to move myself.

So that is the point from yesterdays blog, that I can see existing in a past memory. Where I never really understood, or even learned, what it means to create something in this world. We live in a physical space time reality, where through constant, and slow but steady accumulation, things can grow, and change, and be built. It doesn’t happen over night – that is the belief in luck that actually has no real effect.

The cause that create an effective is through effective self-movement, and self-direction. To really commit to something and to work with that something everyday, finding practical, livable solutions to be implemented in this real world that actually creates or brings things into manifestation.

So I was stuck in the illusion that things happen over night, if you just think positively about something, or you wish hard enough, or you were hopeful and somehow open to things happening, then it would – not realizing I would have to be the cause to create an effect as the responsibility for bringing something into being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word to success within the idea/belief that success just happens, that it can happen in one moment, in an instant, and not consider the real time, physical application required to develop, or grow, change, or build something in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word success to exist within a positive energy charge as hope, wherein you should just hope for success, and it will somehow magically come to you, without realizing you must create it yourself and what it actually entails to create success

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I such get hyped up enough, and spend enough money, then I will be successful and that is all it takes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my ability to live the word success through attaching a positive energy to it, wherein I will move from/as a starting point of desire for success, as money, and use that to motivate and move me – without realizing that once the energy stops, so do I and so the consequences of a starting point of energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word success as money – and limit it’s existence and how I am able to live it in my day to day life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word success as something the one must attain, and find in this world, and that mostly it happens to lucky people, not seeing or realizing the effort it takes to create in this world, and that it in fact starts from/as myself - within and as myself as who I am and thus how I live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect success to manifest in my life without any of my own effort or commitment to moving myself daily within the actions that will produce a successful result, and instead rather see it as happening on it’s own, or by some other, greater force or will outside of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the images seen throughout my life that show a life of luxury of athletes, and movie stars, and singers and think it was so easy for them to attain such wealth, and so think and believe it can be that easy for me - and to then even further define success to be those images of big houses, and glamorous lifestyles and use that as my desire to be successful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit the word success to be that of a picture and image only - to believe it exists as only that, as it's only nature, instead of creating my own definition of success that is not limited to idea of how one life is lived, but how it can be lived for all equally, and also sustainable - aka - for real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an expectation on HOW success can and will manifest in my life, instead of realizing that how I currently define it determines how I live it, and so it’s absolutely up to me, as my responsibility, how success manifest in my life and that physical reality supports one to see when one's definition, and so expectation, is not valid or real as the reactions one with have towards how things turn out and so the opportunity to then CHANGE the definition as the livable application of success to be practical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stay stuck in past memories of attempts to create success in my life and see/remember them not working out, and to from within this, use it as a reason to keep me from moving myself forward now – wherein I will think and believe ‘It didn’t work then, it wont work now’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my current situation on who I’ve been in the past, and use that as a reason to not push myself and direct myself towards the solution I see possible as living success

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught in the illusion that only lucky people are successful, and not realize the hard work, commitment, discipline and daily consistency it took for some to create success in their life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look ahead as a projection within my mind of where I would like to go, and see myself as so far away through the act of comparison, and allow this to sabotage myself in thinking, “I’ll never make it, I have so much work to do, it’s too far away…” instead of realizing that it’s in my definition of success, lacking the realization of how physical space and time work, that cause/trigger such a reaction in me in the first place, so again seeing, realizing and understanding my responsibility to redefining words in my life as the influence and manipulator of how I live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my past as reason to believe I will never be successful as thinking I did not get the opportunities others did

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I failed at creating success in my past, then I am doomed to repeat it forever within my life

I forgive myself hat I have not realized that I am the creator of my life, within full responsibility, and I have the ability to define, and so live and manifest success in my life, as how I see it will best serve me and others as what is best for all – a livable definition of success that serves all equally

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Re: Kristina's Blogs

Postby Kristina » 19 Sep 2015, 06:52

424: Re-Writing the Script to Success

The following is self-corrective and commitment statements made in relation to the previous blog. The point of this is to decide who I am the next time a moment comes up where I use my past against me, or where I'm using positive energy to direct me - to decide for ME what it means to be/live/express success.

When and as I see myself expecting things to just move, magically, and in an instant, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that this expectation exist within a definition I’ve given to the word success, and that it does not in fact work that way in physical reality. I commit myself to practice daily application as consistency, discipline, and self-movement that will accumulate a habit, or change, or skill that will support in living the word success in my life.

When and as I see myself existing within hope, as in hoping my life is successful, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that hope has no basis in reality as it takes actual physical movement, action, and direction to accumulate change, or growth, and that that will all be within my own responsibility. And so I commit myself to stop waiting in hope, and instead take an active role in creating success in my life through physical action, and daily commitments to doing what is needed to be done in order to manifest success in my life.

When and as I see myself moving from a starting point of positive energy, in relation to creating success in my life, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand the positive energy is what I use to motivate me, and that all energy eventually stops as the energy runs out, and when the energy stops, so do I. And so I commit myself to use ME, as directive principle, as the starting point, and motivate as self-movement to move me in creating success in my life, and thus exist within a self-sustaining ability to create success

When and as I see myself defining success within only as money, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that to define success to be only within having/obtaining money, is to limit what the actual definition and ability to be lived actually is and so I commit myself to expand my definition of success to be more than just money, and thus expand my ability to live success within/as my life

When and as I see myself defining the word success to be something outside/separate from me here, as something that must happen TO me, something that must come TO me, and that I must be luck to GET it, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that success is self-created and thus it is within my power, ability and ultimately my responsibility to create it within my life, and so further I commit myself to stop waiting and start creating

When and as I see myself defining lifestyles as athletes, movie stars, and singers as having a successful, and within this think it was so easy for them to attain, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that through this I am accepting an idea again that success comes to those with luck, and without effort, and that one does not have to do much to become successful – and so I commit myself to stop looking at perhaps the unrealistic manifestation of success in this world, and rather define it for myself, and create it for myself, through effort, daily commitment, discipline as directive principle of me

When and as I see myself recalling past memories of attempts to become successful in my life, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that in using past memories to define who I am now, I am only then existing in the past, and not allowing myself to get PAST it, and rather bring myself to the present, as self-directive principle, to decide for myself what I am able and capable of doing. And so I commit myself to not use my past against me in terms of creating success, and not to participate in thoughts of ‘it didn’t work then, it wont work now’ and rather I commit myself to live the statement, “if there is a will, there is a way’

When and as I see myself projecting myself into the future of where I would like to be in terms of creating a successful business, and then compare myself to where I am now, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand how this future projection and comparison only sabotage me and who I am in the present, and distracts me from seeing what needs to be done TODAY, and what I can do NOW to keep walking the process of redefining the word success, and how I am able to live it in my day to day life

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Re: Kristina's Blogs

Postby Kristina » 23 Oct 2015, 07:07

425: Consider Your Position

Have you ever had that experience where you wanted to be upset with someone? Where you wanted to actually fight with them?

I can see for myself in moments of conflict with another, often times I can see it’s a conflict I am perpetuating. Meaning – I am the one who is feeding the conflict within me with my thoughts, I am not letting it go, I am not being forgiving, I am standing my ground in a self-righteousness of blame and revenge.

Which is strange, isn’t it? Why would we want to be in conflict with another? Do we like to fight? Do we like to create chaos?

I do see the relationship between who I am within conflict with others, and the existential reality of war. Why do wars exist? Because I can see within my own nature, war exists, and as within so without – equal and one. So I realize that it is my responsibility, as an individual within the whole, that I must stop the inner wars to begin stopping the outer war. I mean we must all do that, which is how wars will cease to exist, when they no longer exist within humanity’s nature.

Though despite this realization, I often see when I am in the midst of conflict towards another, it is often something I deliberately choose NOT to stop. I want to fight. I want to argue. I want to be right, and for them to be wrong, and I want to hold against them whatever it is I think they’ve done bad. It’s like I place myself in the superior position of being right and I must be the almighty condemner of punishment or something, and in that I must impose my law or rule unto them. And when I see I ‘want’ to fight, it’s a deliberate choice I am then making to speak in the energy of conflict within me. I will chose to use words that are attacking. I will chose to act in spite, and aggression, I will do what it takes to destroy the ‘enemy’.

Then the conflict plays out and the cycle ends and most likely than not, I feel regret. Regret because in the conflict, I tarnish the relationship I had towards who I was in conflict with. Often times we say things we don’t actually mean, but we know if we say it, it will hurt. Like how we drop bombs. We memorialize the dead after we dropped the bomb. We say it is devastating, and we mourn, and we have anniversaries to ‘honor’ the dead for years to come. We are ashamed of the destruction we create, we say it should never happen again, and we say we should strive for peace. Though we were the ones to do it in the first place. And often times we speak empty words. So of course it’s obvious – we know what we are doing when we do it – whether that is speaking in spite to hurt another person, or to drop a bomb that will destroy an entire area of the world – we do it deliberately to create harm and destruction. And this we believe is how to solve our problems.

Conflicts never come out of nowhere. They are an accumulation of thoughts circling in our minds. We think over and over again how ‘they’ve’ done us wrong. We think over and over again how mean or rude or disruptive they’re being. We blame them for being that way. We think its wrong they are like that. We generate emotions with it – we are angry, we are frustrated, and we are impatient. We begin to harness spite, especially if we feel attacked, which is us taking things personally. We make things personal, we take things too seriously. We automatically default to conflict in an attempt to solve a problem, to align a misalignment. We never think about communicating, we trust our inner emotions and thoughts. And so we go into conflict.

Imagine if we were to instead stop, and breathe. To stop participating in thoughts of blame, and to rather communicate, directly, and immediately any time any rift comes up within us. We dare to speak openly and honestly about what we are experience, and why, daring to be self-honest with ourselves and so then another. Often when we are in conflict with another, we are not facing our own truth – we are just tunneled vision to the apparent problem which often we will placed outside, and separate from ourselves. In our minds, we are never wrong, we are always right, and god dammit, we think it’s time for others to know.

So next time you see you are at war with another, whether actually, physically and verbally, or whether it’s still just being conjured up in your mind, consider your position. Consider where you are coming from, if you are blaming, if you are in spite, if you are being self-honest in your role in how a relationship is currently existing. Ask yourself, ‘what can I do differently” or “how can I approach this with a solution-minded direction’ rather than a full force of destructive behavior. Remember – whatever we say, whatever we do, whatever we think is who we really are and once it’s within us, or expressed from us, it’s here in this reality and we cannot take it back. What is done is done, and so prevention is the best cure.

Instead of defaulting to war and fighting and arguing and blaming and spiting and the mayhem we inflict on each other…. Stop and breathe. Know you have the CHOICE to make, and you either make it within self-awareness, as self-honesty as the principles of what is best for ALL, or you chose to be right, to nurture your ego of self-interest, and not care about anything or anyone around you as what becomes most important is YOU being RIGHT and imposing that belief unto others – making sure the other has to face the wrath of you that is directed by the mind, by thoughts, by emotions, by beliefs, by opinions, by self-definitions that constrict you from acting in accordance to common sense and doing unto another as you would have done unto you.

Stop wars. Choose to find Solutions. That is one part of ourselves, as human nature, we must change.

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Re: Kristina's Blogs

Postby Kristina » 26 Oct 2015, 07:12

426: What Good is You Knowing?

“I know, I know...”

This statement is something I’ve said in my life recently. In a way it’s always been a part of my life. You can see it as that point within you of seeing, knowing, and understanding that perhaps there is something you want to change, that you could change, that you are not in fact living your utmost potential, that you are in fact not giving it your all, that you are in fact not directing yourself as effectively as you could, and yet…. despite You knowing it, you just don’t do anything about it.

So it’s that point of ‘knowledge is useless without application.’ At least for me I can see this is how I have and am currently living this statement, “I know, I know…” Like don’t remind me, I already know what I’m not doing, I already know what I could be doing, I already know I’ve giving up on myself, I already know I’m not changing, I already know I’m not living the best version of me… I already know I’ve believed I just can’t do it.

So the “I know, I know” is that a statement of defeat. That while you KNOW something about yourself, you don’t do anything about it. It simply is the way it is, and you accept it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the statement of, “I know, I know” as a point within me that sees within self honesty what I can do differently, how I can be more effectively directing myself, how I can apply certain actions that are changing who I am, and yet I don’t… I just see it, I just know it, but I don’t do anything about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in such a way where I see and know what I can do differently to change myself/my life, yet not apply it – thus keeping myself in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction as I’m never fully allowing myself to live my utmost potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become defensive when others see within me points I’ve seen within myself, yet that I have not effectively directed to change and as a way to ‘save face’, allow myself to say “I know, I know” like saying, ‘You don’t have to tell me, I already know/see this about myself” yet within this, have no real intention to change - only the bad feeling that I haven't changed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take my seeing, knowing and understanding into living application, as the point which makes knowledge usefull in this physical life and living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within knowledge rather than living application – making knowledge REAL and tangible and actually what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do anything about what I see can be changed within myself, and within this life for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the ‘I know, I know” statement is within a point of apathy and acceptance, where I don’t really care to do anything about that which I know, that which I see, and understand, instead just allowing it to be what it is and thus perpetuation the state of existence that humanity currently lives as not caring to get involved, submitting to how things exists as just 'the way it is', and so not be directive, and to make real changes in their life and the life of all, as the point of self-responsibility - being the source of change within/as/of this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say “ I know, I know” as a point of not taking responsibility for a lack of directive living as the application of the knowledge I have about myself, about what it takes to change, and those actions that will produce, physically, change in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in complacency as the statement of “I know, I know” – doing nothing of what I know, comfortable with how things are

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed knowledge to be useless within myself, wherein I do not take that which I see, know, and understand into a living application of change – where I no longer think about changes, but actually, daringly, change for REAL

I commit myself to stop just knowing how to change, and instead implement real change as the daily actions that produce, slowly but surely, a change over time in the physical

I commit myself to stop thinking about what I want to change, or what I could be changing, yet not take it into practical living application

I commit myself to stop creating a dissatisfaction experience within myself from not living my utmost potential as not living the knowing within me

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to see what needs to be changed, but to not do anything about it

I commit myself to stand up within myself, and within this life, to no longer allow knowledge to be useless and instead live the knowledge that is in fact best for all

I commit myself to make myself useful as living the knowledge I’ve gained throughout the years, to apply the changes in my physical living as the only way to real change, to substantial change, to change that is visible and an example for others as being truly what is best for all

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Re: Kristina's Blogs

Postby viktor » 01 Nov 2015, 21:35

Cool Kristina,

This statement of 'I know, I know' is a cool flag point – because when it comes up – there will be something lurking under the surface. Something we know about, yet have not changed. And I find this interesting, that we tend to just accept some parts of ourselves, and keep our insights on a level of just knowing without taking directive action. How come we accept such a state of lethargy? What do we get out of it? Is it because on a deep level, we do want to hold unto those flaws, continue to be in a state of possession to not have to go through the challenge of changing – as taking directive action to change is definitely the tougher decision.

A correction that I see that I wish to bring into creation in my own life, is to immediately as I see something that I want to change in myself, to take action, even if it is just something small such as speaking a self-forgiveness statement, or taking a mental note to write about it later. The important thing is to move immediately and not wait – because in waiting/not taking action – the knowledge because meaningless.

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Re: Kristina's Blogs

Postby Kristina » 08 Nov 2015, 08:02

427: What Moving to a New Country Revealed about Me

Today I realized, or more so finally admitted to myself, that my previous stability the last few years was completely dependent upon my environment and the routine I had set up for myself. Before I moved to Canada – I was pretty sure of myself in terms of my process – what I was doing, where I was going, and overall, the experience of myself. I was certain I could trust myself and that I would do whatever was necessary to be done to support myself within my process (that which I face within my life).

Though since moving to a new country, a new environment, starting a new job and overall completely uprooting myself from ‘what I know’, I have felt a collapse within myself, like I have completely failed. This is due to the experience of myself being all over the place. I have faced so many new points, and faced myself essentially in new situations, and I was not prepared to the extent I thought I was. It’s been more than 6 months and I can finally say that the stability I had created for myself in Minneapolis was completely dependent on that comfort zone – of the city I had always lived in, of the job I had for more than 10 years, of the people I would see every day. Take all that away, do “I” as the self-stability, stand?

No. That is what I have found.

So this is not to go into shame or self-pity, although that has been part of my experience since being here in Canada. The point is to admit it to myself – to be self-honest about it – is the first step to directing/changing it.

I wasn’t allowing myself to see that I had created a dependent relationship towards my environment for my stability. I ‘needed’ that environment to be stable in a way. Because once I was removed from that environment, everything changed within me. I changed – I, from my perspective, fell. So I was not standing on a solid foundation. I was standing on a false foundation that was held up by an environment I had become so accustom to.

And so before admitting this to myself, being self-honest about that, that I had created a stability that would not stand the test of time, that was in fact separate from me, I was thinking I was a failure, a fuck up – and that ‘this place’ was the problem. This place meaning where I am living now, and the work I am currently doing. I thought ‘it’ was to blame, when in truth, in reality – it is me. I was not my own self-stability – I was not standing stable within myself.

It’s like the ever-supporting analogy of the eye of the tornado/storm. To be self-stable is to be the eye of the tornado. No matter what is going on around you, and outside of you, you remain quiet, here, present, stable. Though as the tornado manifested of me moving countries and getting a new job, and living in a new place – the eye crumbled and I was enveloped in the chaos around me. Though the chaos was more within me – though yes, physical changes were happening – I had many reactions to the changes.

Going back to the moral of this story… self honesty. I could not admit this to myself before, that the stability I experienced prior to moving to Canada was not self-created, and self-sustained – it was dependent on ‘where’ I was. I couldn’t admit this because it would call for me to face the fact that what I experienced before I moved was not real… that I did not actually create a solid foundation within myself, that I actually had deceived myself in believing that “I had changed who I am within my environment” – when really, all I did was learn to create a routine I was comfortable in. and now I would have to do it over/do it again.

Here though a window of opportunity. For me to actually now, seeing and realizing, and admitting it to myself, I am able to actually change it and create the stability within me. To realize that stability does not come from where I live, or with whom I’m around, or where I work… that it must in fact come from me, so that no matter where I end up, I am here. The ‘I am’ being the self-honest, self-awareness of who I am as Life.

So rather pointing the finger of blame, or of feeling like a failure, and judging myself for ‘fucking up’ due to a vast difference in my experience over the past 6 months, rather get to a point of self honesty. What changed and why? Admitting to oneself that one is in fact responsible for ALL that goes on within oneself and the cause/source/origin is within self to find and correct.

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Re: Kristina's Blogs

Postby Kristina » 09 Nov 2015, 07:07

428: Same Old Story - Same Old Reactions

Today a moment came up that has come up many times. One reaction in one person leads to a reaction in another person, which triggers another reaction in the first person... and so on, and so forth until eventually, the two stubborn parties finally take responsibility for themselves and peace is once again restored. Here realizing I will have to be the one to stop first, and change first, as the principle of self-responsibility, change, and what is best for all. Forgiveness followed on the point:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to another's reaction towards me - seeing another become angry, upset, or frustrated by me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to automatically go into a reaction towards another just because they went into a reaction towards me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet stop and consider the responsibility I had initially when I accepted and allowed myself to express within a reaction, which was the trigger for another's reaction in the first place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically react to another's reaction towards me like, “oh – here we go again” and to within this, replay past moments and project a similar play out to come from this moment without considering that the past play outs existed as they did because of my participation, and rather I can stop, breathe and direct myself to NOT react and instead be patient towards another and be ‘here’ when they are able to communicate without a reaction

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to humble myself as not allowing a reaction towards another's reaction, and instead rather let it be, be patient, breathe, let it go and allow them to communicate with me when they are ready – in that, being prepared to not be in reaction myself, as to not perpetuate the same conflict over and over again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect the same play out, and thus anticipate the same outcome in a moment of reaction towards another – expecting the ‘same old, same old’ to happen again instead of allowing this to be a moment where I decide to rather direct myself to NOT participate in the play-out reaction energy game

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a 'want to stay upset' or reaction, as holding onto an idea about myself being right, and thus wanting to express my righteousness and blame another for them reacting, as if it’s ALL their fault, completely and absolutely and I am completely and absolutely innocent

I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to live forgiveness – as seeing an opportunity in a moment to NOT react to another’s reaction towards me, and to instead FORGIVE in the moment, breathe, let go and move on as not perpetuating the ‘same old story’ over and over again as the repeating behaviors and patterns that reacting to other’s reactions causes

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider living as an example for another, in ME being the one to stop first, to not react first, to forgive first…. Instead of waiting for the other to ‘be sorry’ or to attempt to ‘make it right’, and not move until they do so.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I will have to be the one, eventually, at some point, inevitably, who forgives and moves on, become humble and decides to not continue participating in the same old reactions that produce the same old scenario

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that this want to ‘be upset’ and blame another for reacting towards me is valid and real – instead of realizing it’s a point of self-interest that does not exist within a point of understanding, of forgiveness, or of practical change and thus is NOT best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to practically change in a moment, as a REAL moment of change, because of an energy of self interest that desires to be RIGHT rather than existing within a principle that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live what is best for all when I allow a reaction within me towards another who is reacting, instead of realizing that I will have to stop at some point, so what better time then now

I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to live unconditional forgiveness in every moment, so that I am never contemplating whether I will change, or whether I will ‘let go’ any reactions within me, or debating on whether I will live what is best for all, and instead simply LIVE IT, as who I am, as an expression of me, in every moment of breath

Self commitment statements in the blog to follow...

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