I just noticed your comment after I posted my blog here, sorry!
Day 77: Dirty Little Family Secrets
http://jessicasjourneytonothingness.blo ... crets.html
Okay, so - I am starting to realize how I am completely convoluting the family point that I am currently walking as an excuse/justification to not walk everything that I must walk - because looking at my previous blog, I was in essence not assisting/supporting myself - but, continuously experiencing myself as a victim to the family point that is a on-going process to walk - I mean, there has to be some origin to why/how my family have reacted to myself so extensively (apparently) to why the family point has become such a battle for myself to walk - only I never had understood that in order for there to be a reason for why/how my family had become so reactive is quite a confirmation how I have purposely/deliberately ignored/suppressed that my family had absolutely no reason to how they have been behaving - but, how they simply were taught a certain way to live - as I was taught to live their pre-programmed characters in this Life, I have also realized that how much I had conformed to their mentality on how I am suppose to live here in this Life has been quite a contribution to why my family have reacted so extensively - from the perspective that the more I didn't resist what they wanted me to do in this life, the more it would be expected for me to simply live the way they wanted me to live - in other words remain a copy of them, and so the more that one would resist in their life to have quite rebel mentality to not conform to how my family wanted me to be in this life, it would of most likely been more acceptable that I am walking this process - therefore - Process has become quite a shock to those in my world/reality, because I have out of nowhere made the choice/decision to not remain just another copy of them - although I allow myself to simply walk what must be walked, because there is no sorrow/despair that makes up for myself to continously remain a victim - A Victim to Myself - A Victim to Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my entire basis on walking this process based on how I am reacting to my world/reality and within this would thus create a belief/idea about how much my family is abusing myself, not investigating how/why I have allowed myself to completely take away my power based on what my outer-reality is showing/revealing to myself, that which I must correct, and thus I would be too busy remaining a victim to the person/situation I am facing. I now see, realize and understand that I am preventing myself from actually getting to know what I can/must be capable of walking here in this life, really getting to know how I can walk this process based how I can take a part my reactions in relation to my world/reality to correct my physical walking here in this process of self-purification, because I allow myself to utilize that which I react to, to in fact walk myself out of my mind. When and as I see myself forming an idea based on my immediate world/reality, and thus react accordingly - I stop and I breathe - I do not accept or allow myself to continue judging/defining who I am/could be to a picture I see of those within/as my immediate world/reality - but instead I commit myself to really getting to know myself all over again, as my real self - and not create an false idea about what I am not capable of based on what I am projecting outside myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, throughout my life, connect and link my mind-projections of what I am cable of walking based on what my family is throwing at myself - thinking and believing that when my family is reacting that I have done something bad/wrong/negative and when my family isn't reacting that I have done something good/right/positive. Within this I would then be accessing memories I have of my projections of what stability apparently means - and then I would immediately assume that when/as my world/reality is behaving certain way that I must've been the one that was completely part of the problem through connecting the image I see of stability that is being showed/revealed within/as my immediate world/reality as some sort of sign that I am apparently done something a certain way. I now see, realize and understand that I am preventing myself from getting to know myself when I allow myself to create a mind-projection about what it in fact means to be stable - linking it to past memories/experiences that I have had. I commit myself to, when and as I see myself making mind correlations based on stability, remain here, breathing - not allowing myself to go into forming any idea/belief/perception about stability because of an image I have created within and as my mind - but to instead really stop to investigate what it means to in fact live stability, to finally get to know myself for real, no longer dominated by/through what my outer-reality is throwing back at myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my family can in fact inflict reactions based on what I am creating within/as my mind about how my world/reality is a reflection of how I have done something bad/wrong/negative or good/right/positive - not seeing/realizing or understanding that this is all sabotage for myself - in where I take apart what my world/reality is reflecting back to myself and within that would thus sabotage myself into thinking and believing that I must give myself certain value and/or definitions when/as my world/reality presents something that I project as a certain energetic charge. I now see, realize and understand that how my family reacts doesn't reveal/show anything about me being labeled as good/bad - but an awesome opportunity for myself to see how I can really get to know my strengths/weaknesses -from the perspective of correcting that which I have trouble to not react that which my world/reality is reflecting back at myself an awesome chance/opportunity to not be swayed, no matter what, and if I do, another chance/opportunity to investigate myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only change myself when/as my world/reality would reflect something that which I have carried a certain energetic charge - and within this would change myself and my expression towards those in my outer-reality dependent on fear - dependent on something that which I would change myself if my world/reality would reflect something I have projected as bad/wrong/negative. I now see, realize and understand that I can never trust myself to change for real if I am basing when/as to change when something I have projected outside myself is bad/wrong/negative so thus I commit myself to even change myself and call it change when it only ever involved the starting-point of fear that was actually from the starting-point to not face myself and instead I furthermore commit myself to really get to know myself to in fact change based on my own self-will and not the reactions that I have carried weight within/as my immediate world/reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that people within/as my world/reality have the power over me to react accordingly because of past experiences/memories I have had that if I didn't then I would completely have the power to change myself, not fear - and because of this would thus think and believe that if I did actually give my power back to myself that I would no longer have anywhere to hide - and within this would thus create an automatic reaction of FEAR of those in my outer-reality to remain my master because of how I have linked/connected those in my outer-reality as those that have complete power of myself and how I even choose to live my life - not seeing, realizing or understanding that it is myself that I am going to have to live with, not those in my outer-reality that which I give power over me. I now see, realize and understand that dependent on when change would show within/as my world/reality I would react accordingly - instead of acting accordingly in this one life that I have the chance/opportunity to change myself - when all the while all that which I was changing was my expression to do everything in my power to remain living in fear. I commit myself to, when I am living in complete petrification of fear, to always make sure that I remain here, stable, breathing - expressing me as who I am - not taking on a automation system to survive in this world/reality to forevermore remain a character/enhancing certain aspects of myself because I fear changing myself for real - thus I instead within moments in where I see that I am changing myself based on fear - to stop and breathe - bring myself back to here and express myself as who I actually am and within that I furthermore commit myself to get to know know for what I am actually capable of living here in this one life - not form an idea/belief/perception of change according to what my family is throwing back at me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can continue living my life being so scared of change - believing that I must conform to how my immediate world/reality want/desire me to do here in this life - and within this would thus only change myself due to the characterization that I have chose to live, only it was never me making the choice to live, not really. I commit myself to, when and as I see that I am choosing to live my life based on the conformity that I was taught all throughout my life - to stop and breathe - realize that I am accessing judgments/definitions/beliefs/ideas within my mind that is based on the Sins of the Fathers - and within this this stop myself from acting according to my beliefs/ideas/perceptions/judgments/definitions and instead always express myself here, getting to what I am actually capable of living here in this one life - not according to my judgments on how I am suppose to live my life - since I can see that I am limiting/preventing myself from actually getting to know myself - as well as no longer living my life based on those in my immediate world/reality.