Jessica´s blog / Borderline Girl

User avatar
Posts: 14
Joined: 15 Apr 2015, 00:00

Jessica´s blog / Borderline Girl

Postby JessicaA » 27 Jul 2016, 02:09

I will be sharing here how I have been supporting me within this disorder I have so I can support others in this point. This disorder - as I have read - is new and there are a lot of people struggling with the symptoms. I didn´t wanted to open up this cause I feel/felt ashamed and also not liking to be tagged as sick and called under this name but now I want to share, specially how I, as I said, experience these and how the tools of SF has been a great assistance to correct my behaviours and in knowing I can control myself. ... rsonality/

Day # 320 — Borderline Personality

I still feel ashamed of sharing this. I feel people might be scared or not wanting to talk to me anymore. I prefer to design a better personality so can people can be around me without saying “oh yes, she is sick” I am not sick. It´s not who I am, I am not a monster.

How this disorder started?

I don´t know how started. I guess since always due to feeling I didn´t fit in this world. I felt I was different. So, I have shared in my blog why this all started and how I developed myself a unstable self-image caused by the manifested consequences of my lack of responsability in accepting and allowing others to bully me and so I started to be my own bully and my own dictator. Then my unstable relationships cause I am not very social due to the fear of being hurt. I am very very sensitive. How people treats me and how they react to me is a big point. Although now, since I find Desteni I have been developed more self-security in me and I don´t care how others see me or treat me, but inside me I still care why I was not accepted as good as other friends in this “society”. I grew up feeling I was wrong and I was ugly due to being fat and dumb due to worrying about animals, and having sensitivity. Also I am very impulsive,…or I was. Lol. I am correcting myself in that a lot. Controlling my impulses due to my changes of humor and the way I feel around people reactions and “energy” in certain places/people.

Why the doctors saw in me a BPD?

Well, I was depressed all day, had changes in my humor and I started to cut myself. So this are the principle points that get me into that type of disorder. Also my interaction with people is not normal…cause I tend to fear them or I don´t feel excited to know new people cause they can be rude and nasty so Why I should have “friends”? Also I was feeling attracted to do activites that gave me adrenaline rushes, as driving fast or buying compulsively.

Another point is fear of abandonment. I guess the breaking point was when my grandmother died, I felt alone. Although my mother is alive and I have a great relationship with her; I felt I was being abandoned and also when I knew this boy I liked a lot and he didn´t wanted to be my friend anymore I felt very sad and fearful.

Of course these was experiences that made the bomb explode cause I was always supressing all and not wanting to talk and expose what was happening to me I always said I felt okey with several kind of rejections and not living what I wanted to live. I wanted to be as my friends – I wanted to have a cool body and I wanted to be popular, to go out with boys I liked and instead of that they saw me as a friend or as a fat girl they wanted to laugh at. Lol., just as in the movies, i was just another statistic.

My last relationship with a boy that didn´t wanted to have a serious relationship was helpful for me to face myself. I experienced feeling anxious if he didn´t writed/replied soon. I felt I was doing something wrong. I felt panic in thinking that he didn´t wanted to talk to me anymore, such as the panic attacks I had in the other relationship. I also had several impulses and I pushed him away several times. I had a lot of conflict cause he didn´t wanted to be in just one relationship, he was going out with married women and I didn´t liked that but I wanted to keep him. It was very intense, but of course it was a great assistance for me. I learned a lot, as I said I faced myself in many ways and he stood by my side although I was very messed up. My attempts to keeping him as just a friend didn´t helped. Indeed I miss him but was all a consequence of what I did.

But, as I say I see this experience as a great and valuable assitance for me in revealing me and so that´s why I started writing again, I don´t want to repeat all this and hurt people and keep them away and also I don´t want to be another person with a mental issue. I know all this was created by me and this disorder is about behaviours and so I have to change my behaviours and correct them.

I have correcting a lot. The first one was cutting myself. I don´t do this anymore cause I don´t like to see my skin with this marks – although I don´t have many as other people I have seen in the internet I don´t want to continue abusing my body.

So this personality disorder is how I have created myself due to not being there/here for me and letting the external things/people/experiences to control me. I know I am strong. And I will continue this process of developing strenght and love to my self. So, this personality is not who I am.

I have read that researches doesn´t know how this is created, they imagine at the childhood stages and how one self starts developing in relationships – so yes, I can tell this starts with how you enter in your environment. People/experiences in this world can be terryfing to kids. Some are very sensitive as me and I didn´t treat people based on how they look or how they talk etc. People has to be more considerate. I am not saying I was a victim of course, also I didn´t wanted to face people due to the fear of confrontation and then loosing them

Well, I will continue posting more about this experience and how I have been supporting me in correcting my behaviours. I see them as a pre-programmed design that triggers now and then, so, not me – and I can just be here and embrace me while the storm goes by and stop letting that storm destroy everything and everyone near me.

User avatar
Posts: 14
Joined: 15 Apr 2015, 00:00

Re: Jessica´s blog / Borderline Girl

Postby JessicaA » 28 Jul 2016, 05:08

Day # — Self-Forgiveness/ Keeping me in the “borderline” of my expression ... xpression/

At night I was reading more information about this “disorder” and I was reading the feelings and emotions and struggles people that has the same diagnostic are suffering and I can relate with some and with others not, but I don´t want to remain as those people that are just limited to take their medication and they are not trying to make a change.

They feel the symptoms and they participate in them and they really believe they are that. I know I am not a sympton.

I have assisted me in correcting in many things such as my perceptions on people´s behaviours. Specially in thinking they do things because they want to get rid of me or they are angry with me. I have to build my common sense and place myself in the shoes of other people and stop being hard on myself and pointing at me when something goes wrong. I tend to blame myself for all the things that others do. Within this I remember the last blog of Tormod that use the word blame and changed it to B-lame….

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the symptoms as feelings and emotions I have is what I am and I cannot change and to think that I need something outside of me to correct me instead of realising that medicine is a support but I am doing the rest of the work in moving myself to correct in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed and insecure about sharing openly about this diagnostic I have due to fearing the rejection on people that are reading my blog, thinking that they are not going to believe me or they are will know change their behaviour and treat me different due to me being fragile within this illness. I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel I am fragile and people has to treat me different and considerate me because I am more vulnerable than them

Of course I don´t want to be treated differently and I don´t want people think that my expression – the one that I am discovering from withing all this – is caused by this disorder/personality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel people may think that the way I am is the result of this disorder.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel/think that it was not useful to write about my disorder cause I wanted to keep it secret and not touch this topic cause it´s something I don´t care about cause I am not this disorder/personality is just a diagnose done by doctors and is not who I am.

Doctors wants to separe people in categories so they can group them and study them more easily – and beyond that well, make money with medicines because they are being payed by giving several medicines. I am not telling the meds are not useful but certain doctors just fills the recipe so the pharmaceuticals can profit with illnessess.

Reading all the symptoms in different media I realise these are not just particular of BPD people, all people has it…..let´s talk about promiscuity. All people – with or with not a mental diagnose are obsessed with sex and they search and search for people to consume their sexual desires, many people are driven by sex and feeding this energy with porn, masturbation, sex etc. It´s not an expression but a way to feed the mind with energy. So, not only BPD are promiscuous. For instance, I am not. I am not searching for different partners or searching for sex-partners only. I am not driven by this and I am not going to follow this sympton although I may feel atracted to experience it.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel separated from the normal kind of people just for being diagnosed with a mental-issue and to feel I am different from normal people – instead of realising that normality is not real and I am one and equal with all the people in the world.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel that people may treat me different because I have BPD – I realise I am the one that is perceiving this of me. I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to treat me different due to having a disorder and so manipulating/sabotaging myself in thinking/feeling I am different and so limiting myself to express who I really am.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to use people as a distraction of what I am in fact doing with myself…I say that people do me this and that and In fact I am the one being hard on myself and being my own bully – I am treating myself different .

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to treat me different and compare myself to others and so depending on that keeping me in the “borderline” of my expression using this diagnose as an excuse for not being me and doing what I want and have to do.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to use this personality to sabotage myself from being who I am with the excuse that ” I am sick” so I cannot do and be the same way as other people so keeping me apart/hidden and not wanting to express myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider me as a sick person.

Return to “Members' Blog Links”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest