My daughter is playin close to the road with the ball.
- me "don't play near the road because it's dangerous"
- she "i just won't go on the road"
But she is playing with the ball and i perfectly know that she won't pay attention to the road in the excitement of the game as i've seen it many other times, while the consequences of a car accident are too dangerous. I realize that i'm not able to let my daughter understand and accept this point in that very moment, so this may require a "force action", i just can't let she play because she "won the words battle".
After i will explain better the concepts to her and i will explain her that i used "force" because she was too excited to understand me and also because i wasn't able to express myself correctly and in an understandable way in that very moment.
So my guiltiness derived by the combination of these two points:
- overwhelming tiredness
- losing the "word battle" and recurring to "brute force battle" as an unfair position -> inferiority feeling -> i've behaved like my parents that i disdain so much.
Yes, it's a cool point to look at the polarity that is playing out here between allowing oneself to use force against a child to do what one see's is best and finding alternatives that stop all abuse and still are able to do what is best for the child is a point to open up and discuss because this is how we within all our relationships in our world are operating as if we are not heard through words, we will use force to get our point across. The line of this is very thin as well and is used way to often in self interest then what is best as we see with the manifestation of weapons and war for example. I would say the only necessary reason to use force towards another is if there is imminent danger, like pushing a child out of the way of a moving car for example, that extreme is only a reason I would say to use physical force against another. My parents when I was younger use to spank me on the bum, and it did subdue me and make me listen to them cause I was afraid to get spanked, but this is promoting violence to have a child listen, and I never really learned and understood what they wanted me to do and why, and so my stopping was based on fear and thus a resistance to the parent was created to fear them and to do things in secret otherwise I would be punished, which created more unnecessary consequence, that for another discussion tho.
So it's important I have found to speak to children in all ways that I can come up with through bringing the situation here within me, and placing myself in the child shoes, how would I best be able to explain this if I was the kid, what helped me learn, what made me listen. If I (as the parent for instance) was in reaction, then stop speaking and only speak when I am stable, find that place within me to stop because I know if I continue it will be based on force and energy to release the point rather then standing as an equal to the child, and finding solutions that will be best. Sometimes it will not be possible to speak to the child because they will just go into a temper tantrum, for this, I would just allow it until the child has calm down and after the child has stabilized, explain the point, open a dialogue and continue it until the point is discussed properly and the child understands the point you are making, no matter how long it takes.
So when we feel defeated within ourselves based on apparent experiences of tiredness or resistances that seem overwhelming, this would be cool points to investigate in writing and self forgive and give yourself direction to change in your living because obviously this is not an excuse, violence or overbearing towards a child in any case I would say is unacceptable, and we should push ourselves to find solutions through showing through words and creating the openness for discussion with the child until the point is clear and the child has shown the ability to understand and integrated it into themselves. Obviously, this has to be considered within the age of the child, but I have found even at young ages, children understand simplistic truths and with patiences from the parent the understanding can come forth eventually.
So I realize it's not as easy to live this then to write it here, but through these principles of pushing oneself through finding ways through words and examples until the child understands the point being expressed no matter how long it takes, using patiences, allowing the child to walk through their own energy reactions and stabilize again not allowing self to react and go into a point of conflict, finding any and all points of solution that will create a safe environment for the child, and continue the process of self forgiveness and finding the correction to live that will be best, I can then ensure I am doing all I am able to to find solutions that is supporting the child to be self responsible and learn how to use common sense through these principles being lived and shown to the child by the parent's example. Our children are priority and deserve the best of ourselves, so doing what is best no matter what it takes within self, is how I will best go about supporting the kids around me and my own some day pushing myself always to live as an example that I would want for myself if I was a child and bringing it back to the physical reality, what makes sense, and what will support and create solutions that support the child and all in the best way possible.
Thanks for sharing Mar and all, this thread is very supportive.