Am I raising a wimp?

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Ingrid Bloemheuvel
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Re: Am I raising a wimp?

Post by Ingrid Bloemheuvel »

There is a big difference between being strict by the rules and STANDING as the point - that's what I've experienced, and still experience in living with my son, now 15 years old.
When my 'no' is absolute and unquestionable and I also show this with my body, my voice, my look, my everything, because I AM this 'no', Dj would simply accept. No whining, no discussing, no nothing. But all the times I was saying 'no' because of the rules, or my mood or whatever, he would go on and eventually I would stress out etc.

You are being disgusted by your sons whining behaviour, but applying rules and hiding your disgust - don't think you're kid doesn't know you are acting instead of standing. So yeah, write out all the points, allow yourself to be totally disgusted (when alone), experience your shame and guilt because of it and self forgive, let it all go. Direct yourself towards the point where you will absolutely stand and not allow your kid (or any other person for that matter) to whine and play out his program.

I hope you understand my point?

Lana
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Re: Am I raising a wimp?

Post by Lana »

many replies here :)
thanks to all of you.

so today I realized that I am actually afraid of being to strict. I can remember my own emotions and fears as a little child and there is also the point that noa was so thin when he was born and I felt very guilty, cause my body did not produce a "fat=healthy" baby. I was crying for two weeks, cause he didn't gain weight and I felt like I'm the worst mother in the world. eventually I quit the breastfeeding and he thrived with formula. so yes, I probably still feel guilty and sorry for him, even there is no reason for it. this morning I changed my aproach to him and told him clearly and with a stand if I didn't want something. I gave him the choice for time out or bread for breakfast (he wanted sweets - no way). he escalated and my husband put him into his room to cry it out. it took him 30 seconds to come out again and he took the bread I prepared for him. afterwards I explained him why all of this happend and he was fine. later while having lunch he wanted me to hold his hand, but I stricly said no, cause I need my hand to eat. I gave him a kiss and told him we could cuddle later, but right now we are eating. and he was fine, it worked quite good today. I think I am getting the difference between just saying it and really standing as the point. if I am not stable within what I am trying to comunicate to him he will react to it. I don't have to feel bad if I make a decision and stand as this decision, even if he sometimes will end up crying cause of my standing.

I would like to write more, but noa is waiting for me to cuddle with him, as I promised at lunchtime.

thanks anna, larry, bastian and ingrid. an thormond! I will write more when I have the time.

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Antoaneta
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Re: Am I raising a wimp?

Post by Antoaneta »

Cool perspectives from everyone.
"And very important Lana, is to have a look what feelings and emotions you have created within and as yourself about your son and when you investigate what these are and forgive them within yourself, you can go and communicate with him as an equal and see what happens."
This is something I was going to mention next after I read your second post Lana. I sort of touched upon in my first post- so my first post was more of the outside of things/handling behavior. But we also need to look at the inside of where things in the outside develop.
Like Anna said- if he is clinging only to you- you need to investigate your emotions towards him that would have created this whiny character. A good support (and I said this before) would be to practice speaking with sound and not emotion. When you are reacting to his reactions it creates a further reaction in him.
So see how your voice can be firm without reactions.
And yes the Parent Interviews on Eqafe have been assisting- I forgot to mention that to you in my first post.
After you investigate yourself- set up a consistent way of handling behavior- see where he is coming from, why and what is causing him to react this way, you will be able to assess that when you are stable within yourself.

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Leila
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Re: Am I raising a wimp?

Post by Leila »

Cool perspectives and support everyone!
Keep us up to date Lana

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Cathy
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Re: Am I raising a wimp?

Post by Cathy »

So much awesome support in this thread that I can only add that it has only been in walking my own process that I've begun to see, realize, and understand how extremely tough life becomes for the child who is 3 years old becoming 4.

In the past 6 years my partner and I have both witnessed changes in the behavior our youngest grandchildren, in how their mind begins to bring memory and imagination into the equation of an otherwise normal daily routine and that makes for a busy mind in their head that they suddenly have to deal with. Not to mention they have no idea how to express how their experiencing themselves within.

My granddaughter Emmeline will be 4 in July and if one pays attention you can see very subtle changes occuring in her behavior and sometimes she'll suddenly appear to be very uncomfortable within her surroundings where she once moved herself with great ease.

So Lana, Thanks for sharing this here because this is important assistance that the children of this world require. I know you'll take advantage of the assistance that is offered through Eqafe as well - like with the Parenting - Perfecting the Human Race Series for example.

Ingrid Bloemheuvel Wrote:
There is a big difference between being strict by the rules and STANDING as the point - that's what I've experienced, and still experience in living with my son, now 15 years old.
When my 'no' is absolute and unquestionable and I also show this with my body, my voice, my look, my everything, because I AM this 'no', Dj would simply accept. No whining, no discussing, no nothing. But all the times I was saying 'no' because of the rules, or my mood or whatever, he would go on and eventually I would stress out etc.

You are being disgusted by your sons whining behaviour, but applying rules and hiding your disgust - don't think you're kid doesn't know you are acting instead of standing. So yeah, write out all the points, allow yourself to be totally disgusted (when alone), experience your shame and guilt because of it and self forgive, let it all go. Direct yourself towards the point where you will absolutely stand and not allow your kid (or any other person for that matter) to whine and play out his program.

I hope you understand my point?
Yes, important point Ingrid Thanks!

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Rebecca Dalmas
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Re: Am I raising a wimp?

Post by Rebecca Dalmas »

Cool topic.
The first thing I noticed Lana, was that you went shopping with a friend. Was this to help you? To comfort you? I also notice that you say you comfort your sone a lot, which is not a good or a bad, but it is to ask yourself if this comfort is what you give because it is what you want?

Within this, there is the advice from Tree through Sunette and others, to be directive. So, a suggestion to slow down and become practical in your actions throughout the day, to guide yourself and as such your son, to become " proactive" in gifting yourself the ability to be self directive practically, so that one develops a comfort with self in making decisions and ordering one's actions in relation to the tasks one caries out in normal living.
To change a behavior takes some consistent application, because the old behaviors will come up, and even intensify, but after this intensification, they will begin to soften, and then the new direction will begin to move, even exponentially.
One way, is to plan out the day, and even walk the practical movements needed to get something done, this can even be done together, it will give you and your son structure and as this security, and this will become the comfort, given to self.
To note; Just at that moment when it feels like it is impossible, that is the moment of change, a flag point to look for that might help.

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terhas
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Re: Am I raising a wimp?

Post by terhas »

Lana wrote:so today I realized that I am actually afraid of being to strict. I can remember my own emotions and fears as a little child and there is also the point that noa was so thin when he was born and I felt very guilty, cause my body did not produce a "fat=healthy" baby. I was crying for two weeks, cause he didn't gain weight and I felt like I'm the worst mother in the world. eventually I quit the breastfeeding and he thrived with formula. so yes, I probably still feel guilty and sorry for him, even there is no reason for it.
awesome realization lana. as many have mentioned here in different ways, u are the starting point to much of noa. how u are with and within u will guide how he is with and within him. so things that u were not yet aware of, like ur guilt and pity surrounding noa, can be attributing to his behavior of whinning and dependency. would be supportive to start self forgiveness on these found points of pity and fear and guilt about noa. to release any binds these accepted ideas have had on ur ability to interact with ur son from a practical starting point instead of one of guilt or pity.
Lana wrote:I changed my aproach to him and told him clearly and with a stand if I didn't want something. I gave him the choice for time out or bread for breakfast (he wanted sweets - no way). he escalated and my husband put him into his room to cry it out. it took him 30 seconds to come out again and he took the bread I prepared for him. afterwards I explained him why all of this happend and he was fine. later while having lunch he wanted me to hold his hand, but I stricly said no, cause I need my hand to eat. I gave him a kiss and told him we could cuddle later, but right now we are eating. and he was fine, it worked quite good today. I think I am getting the difference between just saying it and really standing as the point. if I am not stable within what I am trying to comunicate to him he will react to it. I don't have to feel bad if I make a decision and stand as this decision, even if he sometimes will end up crying cause of my standing.


very cool!
and yes, he refuses the potty and I am not physically strong enough at the moment for the whole procedure of cleaning him and after him if we don't make it on time and he pees or even worse, poos himself. the point is, he could tell me when he needs to go, but he doesn't do it. so the couch now has a nice pee mark... if I ask him to go to potty he says no and that he wants a diaper. we have a potty and a toilet seat for him, he can even choose. unfortunately my husband is not supporting me in the training, and I don't feel well a.t.m. so the potty training has to wait for a while.


i would not suggest to wait to potty train noa. he is at an age where he can understand having to go. that does not mean its something he thinks he wants to do. my niece is 2 and has been potty trained since about 1 and a half. but she still has accidents. even as a child who is fully aware that she needs to go to the bathroom and knows how. and the main reason she has accidents is that she, in her 2 year old mind, does not understand the importance of the bodily function. she knows how to do it. but still has not grasped it in entirety. there are times when i ask her if she has to go and she will say no. but i know that she hasnt gone in a while or that she just drank tons or that she just needs to try. just in case. so ill tell her," yeah well lets try anyway." because she is still learning. and 9 times out of 10 she does have to go. but doesnt want to. maybe she is playing and is focused on that fun. she doesnt know its important to go when u need to. yes, noa can tell u when he needs to go. but he doesnt do it. so u, as the guider, have to meet him half way. yes, ask. but despite his answer keep in mind that kids need to go to restroom every couple of hours. and keep in mind that he is learning. so many times whether he thinks he needs to go or not, he does. or at least needs to try. he may want a diaper but kids want a lot of things they dont need. or no longer need. and u have to guide him out of his dependency on the diaper. "ur growing older. and we are going to wear undies like bigger boys. like dad does." "u dont need a diaper. when u were smaller u did. but now we are going to learn the potty." "this is where u pee and poop on ur own." "u dont sit and pee or poop anywhere but here on the potty." (through the beginning stages of learning a diaper is helpful. at nap and night time. but not instead of potty.) but make a point to sit him on the potty. as rebecca suggested, plan the day. and include time for potty. make it a routine to do as soon as he gets up with brushing teeth. and throughout the day even for just a bit of time. have him read a book on it if he isnt sure he has to go. to "try". he will get use to being comfortable while using it.

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Ingrid Bloemheuvel
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Re: Am I raising a wimp?

Post by Ingrid Bloemheuvel »

I like to share my experience with potty training.
Well, I actually didn't do any training. I found out 'by accident' how to cope with peeing and pooing.

I simply let Dj walk around the house in his naked bud - it was summer and we had a wooden floor - and I remember the look on Dj's face when he experienced for the first time consciously him peeing and pooing without a diaper. He was in absolute wonder about what happened, but did not touch. It was such a cool moment :)
Then I started to offer him a potty, it was in the middle of the room all the time, and in no time he would use the potty by himself. We absolutely had no struggle at all.

My point: it was important for this child, Dj, to actually experience his pee and poo, physically. Because of the diapers he had no clue :)

Lana
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Re: Am I raising a wimp?

Post by Lana »

@ Anna

I am looking at my starting point and I can see that I am often anoyed by his behaviour. I also developed the belief that nothing is easy with him, that he will find a way to make it difficult for me, like he would do that on purpose. and this happens often, I have a picture in my head how it should be or how I would like it to be and in the end it's difficult, cause something upset him and he escalates and screams etc. A better way would be to accept something might upset him and prepare myself and everything to make the situation easier for both of us. f.e. we started to train him being without a buggy when he was 1,5 years old. since he was 2 we didn't need the buggy anymore, he got used to walk eerywhere with us and if he was tired we would carry him for a few minutes and he would walk again afterwards. now that I am pregnant and not able to carry him I started to take the buggy again and he seems to be happy about it. so, we had to give up our picture of an independent, walking child. maybe we have to high expectations, that is also possible, but he is out first child and we are learning by trying and doing.
I am not applying strict parenting rules, and I think that was not good for noa. maybe he does need more strict rules, cause I was rather flexible till now and I would give in if I had the feeling he wanted something badly. I also did that from the starting point 'I want him to be happy and stop whining'. This might sound like he got everything he wanted, but that is not the case, there are some rules he has to follow here, and others that are flexible.
The language thing differes from child to child. First Noa was raised trilingual, then Paris gave up the greek and we stayed with two languages. I think even if we would have spoken only one language he would have been a late talker. he got his first tooth when he was 13 months old and he couldn't chew well untill then. he is eating a whole apple since he is 2,5 years old, means very late. the other boys at day care (same age) are also not talkative, but since he is having other childrens company his language skills are much better, he is now learning every day new vocabulary and actually starting to comunicate with us in whole sentences, mostly in german. he is obsessed with colors, numbers and shapes a.t.m. he is also able to read some numbers. he also likes nameing animals.
In 5 or 6 weeks I will be for sure at the hospital for 5 days to give birth, that will be the first time we will be separated and we will see how he'll cope. sure, he will come to visit us, but I want be home and it will be a completely new expereience for him.

@ Rebecca

I went to the grocery with my friend cause we don't have a car, but my friend has and since I'm 34 weeks pregnant I can't carry 20-30 kilos with me and a child etc. I only took him with us, because we had a car, otherwise I wouldn't go anyway, my husband would go by bus and carry the grocery and noa would have stayed at home with me. also i used the word comfort cause i don't know any better word in english, if I would write in german I would for sure be able to be more specific. maybe sooth, or calm would have been a better word?
Also I don't think I am never directive, but since I don't have much help here with the household and my child I tend to be very tired and exhausted. It's nice to have family or a comunity that is able to help sometimes, but we are alone, no grandparents or aunts around us. my husband is working and studying in the evening - means I didn't have any kind of vaccation since our son was born. I also have to find a way to have some time for myself and most of all work on/with myself.

@ Tree

I am training him if I feel well. the problem is that I have pain in my back, pelvic area and legs. I have to sit down often or even lay down. this combination of movements I have to do while he is daiper free is quite painful for me. I also told my husband to put him on the potty every morning (yes we use the potty book), but he is not doing it. I am staying in bed in the morning cause I don't sleep well at night and I'm also sick a.t.m. my husband brings him to day care and picks him up. yes I know we both have to work together, but my husband is not always easy to handle.

now I have to go, my son is back from day care and we are hungry. I will write more later or tomorrow.

thanks to all!

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hilda rac
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Re: Am I raising a wimp?

Post by hilda rac »

My perspective as a babysitter:

I was looking after a 1,5 yr old, who was always this difficult around her parents, but not around me, because I didn't give in to her crying. I wasn't trying to soothe her just to stop crying, so she quickly learned that she's not going to get anywhere that way with me. This was the fundamental mistake her parents made: they'd soothe her at her every whimper, so she learned that she just has to cry a little for her parents to pick her up and give her undivided attention. The result was her parents carrying her around almost every moment of the time they spent with her. This was fascinating to observe: we would be playing and everything would be fine, until her mother would step into the room. At that point the child would change completely and start crying and whining for her mother to pick her up. She never did this with me, because I'd explain to her that I cannot pick her up right now, because I'm doing something else, and she'd accept that.

It sounds like you have a similar situation with that kindergarten teacher. She doesn't have emotional baggage with the child, so she can handle him normally, and he doesn't expect her undivided attention as with you.

Bernard once said that when his children were difficult and emotional, he would simply return the emotion, show them, what they're doing, and they'd stop. This screws up the child's manipulation threads, and the child should eventually stop being difficult. I haven't tested this myself yet, but it sounds as a viable option, so I would definitely suggest trying it for a longer period of time.

Also, another statement that I read and found valid, was that those parents, who understand that they are not the owner of the child, and that they are here only to teach the child how to survive in the world, will have no difficulties with it.

So I would suggest here the same as everyone else has suggested: clear the emotional baggage with the child, write it out, clear your reactions to his crying and manipulations, start recognizing them as manipulations, and don't give in to them, but rather show the child what they are really doing by being their mirror, like Bernard did.

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