Am I raising a wimp?

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Re: Am I raising a wimp?

Postby sylvia » 11 Mar 2014, 11:30

Cool progress you've made thus far Lana and cool you can see the point of timing within yourself as a point that still needs improvement. You might even write a blog about your journey with timing and raising a child. Leila and Carrie already are writing parenting blogs and Anna is focussing more from the point of the educational system, we wouldn't mind another blogger on this subject. People like to read how others struggled with the same as they do, so it would be cool to share how to prevent these struggles from happening after you've walked it yourself.

On the point of calling your mom and dad by their first names and thus not addressing to a role, but to a real time person, I made a change within our family this weekend. For quite some time now I had been struggling with the point of how to change this with my kids. I've started off with my kids in a traditional way from a traditional back ground and calling your parents by their first name was not seen as a polite thing to do. So I presented myself as mom to my kids and no one complained. Though much changed as I went through process and with me my family went through process, so I came to the same conclusion of what was shared here about how to call your parents.

So I discussed this point with my partner and he agreed on this point and we together agreed to ask our teenage kids about how they looked at it. So I asked the kids if they would be comfortable with it, if they call us by our first names. My son immediately said, yes okay, I see your point no problem. My daughter on the other hand was emotionally about it. When there is a change she has problems to adapt to it, so we'd tried to find out what it was she was reacting to, though it seemed to be more the change from old to new that overwhelmed her. So we agreed that we would give it a try and see for ourselves what points it would open up. It's now 2 days later and I haven't heard my name nor the word mom, so it seems that the kids are now avoiding it, after starting it 2 days ago. So we'll see how this point will evolve and what will come out of it. Understanding the loyalty point within kids, it may not become a point of compromising themselves to please me as a parent or going into other emotional turmoils. So in a couple of days I will check if they really got the point why I suggested to try out this name change and whether it is something they like to further explore or leave it for what it is knowing that they can call us either way.

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Re: Am I raising a wimp?

Postby KellyPosey » 11 Mar 2014, 12:35

Yeah definitely the more blogs on parenting the better! Parents desperately need supportive perspectives out there and to see they're not alone, and that there are solutions/different possibilities. These examples just largely do not exist yet at this point, and thus why we're stuck repeating the same ineffective practices over and over from one generation to the next.

Interesting Sylvia, let us know how it goes.

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Re: Am I raising a wimp?

Postby Leila » 11 Mar 2014, 15:49

unfortunately I am kind of unable to distinguish important things from not important things or situations,
I suggest that if your partner is present, to discuss/cross-reference the direction you want to take. If he's not around,simply direct the situation what you think is best, and discuss it later.
This way you can get perspectives other than your own, and he might point out things that you otherwise would have missed/not considered. When things happen during the day where I wasn't certain about my direction, I talk it over in the evening with Gian where I give him an overview of what happened and how I handled it, what his perspective is and possibly how I could have done it differently. When you're stuck in a point/pattern it's hard to see 'beyond' it because in that moment you 'are it'. This is why process can't be done "alone" -- you always need others to cross reference.

So I would suggest you cross-reference with your partner or any other person you find can give you insight/perspective as well as posting here and blogging about your experiences as Kelly suggested.
This way we can all assist each other in 'real time', and provide one another the opportunity to re-align ourselves as points open up instead of when it already has accumulated into a problem.

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Re: Am I raising a wimp?

Postby Lana » 11 Mar 2014, 18:08

ok, I agree that I should write about my everday life with my child (soon children). I think I will do it here in the forum and share it on facebook, since doing a real blog is to exhausting for me a.t.m.
I will also ask my partner for assistance, but I think it's good to have support from the outside, since he is also sometimes not able to see the core of the problem or issue we have.

today I went to the hospital for a short checkup and to determine the day of birth by c-section. so I have 3 weeks now to prepare and sort things out (mostly practical stuff at home). if we stick to the plan our second (still no name) son will be born on 1. of april. gotta go now!

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Re: Am I raising a wimp?

Postby Antoaneta » 12 Mar 2014, 21:57

On the point of calling parents by their first name... I understand the perspective of calling by name and maybe that would have made a difference to me if I was younger/child but I cannot call my mom by first it does not sound "natural" to me since I've alwsys called her mom. From a different perspective I see it as a word only. I mean whether it is by first name or mom if only used as a word to call a person it should not make a difference if you are treating your child ad equal. With Victor I'm using both words to call myself depending on the sentense I suppose. And my mom is being called by her first name as are all other family members. I do however address the relationship they are to him as this is grandma Valentina....for example. As my brother is a brother to me...and my uncle is an uncle even if they ate called by their names.

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Re: Am I raising a wimp?

Postby sylvia » 12 Mar 2014, 22:21

I do agree with you Antoaneta, for me it was important to let them know that it would be fine if they call me mom or Sylvia an discussing the point of why they call me mom and why I do not call them son or daughter instead of mentioning their first names. My kids are back at calling us mom and dad right now, since the habit of doing so goes back 14 and 17 years. The discussion about it with them was cool though and we know where we stand, there is no wrong or good in calling us either way. It is as you say in the actions whether we're on an equal stand with each other or not.

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Re: Am I raising a wimp?

Postby Marlen » 13 Mar 2014, 21:40

Cool Lana, sharing here at the forum is cool enough to get perspectives, and of course to walk your own structure - once you are busy with the child then it might be a bit more difficult to actually have the time to write, but it would be great if you can do that as part of you giving yourself some structure as to now focus on stopping your inner experiences and simply remain as breath while the whole process of giving birth and having a new baby coming becomes a reality.

Now I'll share a bit of my experience...
A note on the 'calling parents by their names' point, this is something I did implement from the beginning of my process to my parents, having had called them as 'mom' and 'dad' for over 20 years, so it is possible and the result is mostly for myself, being able to also explain why I did that was the whole point as well, to understand about the hierarchies, the inequality that is created from the moment we embody the structures of 'being the father/mother' and 'being the child.' Initially they reacted quite a lot and it's taken some years for them to get used to it - but what's most important is also for me to be able to dissociate that immediate relationship of 'family' or 'parents' and instead - even if it's apparently only the name' it was also supportive for them to see 'who they were' if I don't call them mother or father, and get to the point of comfort with talking to each other with our names.

But also as I've walked this process the entire construct of all the LACK of communication toward them because of 'them being my parents' has also vanished for the most part, and I actually enjoy talking to both about many points we learn about here at Desteni, the patterns we see in our reality, relatives and of course solutions - the same with my father when talking about the system. Like yesterday, it was such a cool thing hearing him how something that I shared with him in relation to 'blaming the government and politics and not taking self responsibility' he actually expressed that to one of his clients and so, I see once again that when we establish this communication of self-support, beyond the parenting structure, we can level ourselves out even to the point of being able to share ourselves, share our patterns existent within the mother/father and child and see the mistakes that we've all recreated in terms of how we were brought up copying the patterns that my parents got from theirs and so realizing that we have to then give ourselves the opportunity to stop such patterns and instead start establishing new ways of developing this parental relationships, even more so with them now being grandparents and seeing where these solutions can be applied to grandson and granddaughter.

So, I share this maybe a bit 'off topic' from the point of raising a child, but more as the person that even after 21 years of age established this 'calling parents by their names' point and it overall has been a cool point to walk through for myself as I've also walked my own constructs of all the emotional experiences I had attached toward them as 'mother' and 'father' and in a way, walk the self-forgiveness by starting anew and also them being aware of what Desteni is and the tools of support etc, we enjoy communicating about these points of support and what we do.

I also then got to also understand it's up to them to take the tools and apply them for themselves, but just the ability of being able to live the correction of equalizing that relationship with them, and having self-forgiven the past fuckups is definitely a way to then align ourselves to a point of equality from oneself to others. I cannot entirely speak in relation to what they also experience in relation to 'equalizing the relationship,' but it's fair enough that we have opened up a way of communicating where things are not taken personally and instead we can observe and investigate our own patterns for what they are as after all, I am still their copy that understand what they go through as well as I am them as well.

I do recommend for anyone that wants to make the point of 'calling them by their name' or if you're a parent establish such relationship with your children and you're able to explain why calling parents by their name is a point of self-support and have their parents not get only pissed off about it, cool, go for it and see whether anything changes within you or not, also in relation to not wanting to merely create friction and conflict in them, which is counterproductive if one doesn't have a clear starting point within self to do so for sure.

Thanks for sharing, everyone

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