There are many more examples and as I am writing I realize that I should write a blog about this, but it is cool to share it here with you guys.
Cool Bastian, thanks for sharing your experience and cool to blog about it. It's cool how this shows that when we start things from the get-go from a point of equality just how much consequence we actually prevent, compared to relationships that we'd already formed within points of separation, where essentially the trust has been broken, and it can therefore take a lot more time as it can then take a process of re-establishing trust, if it hasn't gone too far. It's such an important point that Cerise touched on in what she shared, the point of 'being there' which is not simply of matter of saying I'm here you can talk to me, but also and fundamentally it's to be a trustworthy individual, which if we haven't sorted out our reactions and such, we're not, and this is why I stopped confiding in/sharing with my own parent because no matter how much they would say they were here and I could 'talk to them about anything' it wasn't actually true because they would go into all sorts of reactions toward what I shared, so eventually I learned that I can't trust them. And then, as a child, you are essentially alone in the world if you can't even trust your parents, the ones responsible for your survival until you can take care of yourself. So it's really so important that we be/become a guide for the children where they know they can come to you for common sense assistance and no judging them or reacting.
this is a point i am having trouble grasping taking care of my little sister of 16. being able to let her make the choice. i think its because i deem the choices i see her make as bad. for her for her future. for example the choice to stay out all night when she is supposed to be home with no communication or the choice to not ask for help with school work when she is failing when help is available from multiple sources or the choice to not go to school. so i end up creating friction trying to talk her into good choices instead of allowing her to make the choice. because she is informed. but then again she is only as informed as she allows herself to be. i guess i fear if i did just allow her to make the choice shed stay out every night and come in when she wants and never communicate with me and just take what she wants from me. and then id have to create consequence for crap behavior. because the real consequences of her actions wont be seen until she and adult and supposed to be taking care of herself. not being able to be somewhere on time when she is supposed to and/or communicate with people or not knowing her work can cause her to lose a job and not be able to pay her bills to support herself in this world. and in the world weve created that is important. her reference points were conflicting also. and not very supportive. reference points meaning the adults that helped to create the things of this 16 year old. very cool to have such a stable point in b despite the "growing pains". i dont always have that with my sister of 16 as i do with my niece of 2. the older they are the more deliberate they become within what they are saying and doing. the older they are the more they decide to do rather than stumble upon the opportunity to learn. ..and the more stability reveals itself as important.
I remember my mother not trusting me to make my own decisions and would often impose rules and restricitons on me, than to explain the consequences and allow me to decide for myself. I see a lot of this stems from the idea/belief that children just won't be capable to understand and make the right choice, because since they don't yet know everything of how this world works they do make mistakes, and then it's like we form that definition of them, and then from this belief/definition we don't really actually try to give a proper explanation, and this is also largely due to the fact that we don't know how to give a proper explanation, since we've not walked ourselves into understanding of points, like we do within our process and within DIP, where we get to understand things in greater detail and specificity. As you go along, you're developing your vocabulary, and we've really as a whole not done that, and not even realized that that's what's going on, and we then resort to things like 'because I said so' or 'because you shouldn't do that' and wanting children to just accept that, because we're impatient and don't want to have to actually take the time to walk ourself through to a proper understanding and to be able to express the point effectively. It takes practice and application to develop. But when we look at it, what kind of person are we creating when we are expecting a child to just follow a direction without having a proper understanding?
Now, within this, within the things that were
presented to me as explanations when I was a child, however limited, because it was usually spoken to me from a charged point of energy or reaction or fear or not communicated very clearly, I tended to not listen to it or question it, but would rather react to it as 'they are being irrational' and just trying to 'manipulate' and 'control' me, and this of course creates a resistance to whatever is being said to you. So, often the child's seeming 'irrationality' or 'rebelliousness' is a reaction to how we are coming at them from a starting point that isn't clear, and then when they react/don't listen, we think it is something with them, that they are just 'wanting to rebel' or they just 'are that way' yet not considering our own expression within this and the consequence we've created in another. I mean, you'll hear it all the time from parents 'I have no idea why they're acting this way' 'I don't know where this is coming from' and so on, discussions between parents who just 'can't understand' the children's behavior toward them.
So as long as we are coming from any point of reaction, energy, fear, judgment, control, manipulation, force, we really can't expect to be heard or trusted or reacted to rationally. It's like expecting another to do something we aren't even doing ourself. Like - I expect you to ignore what I am participating in and just see the common sense and not react, when I am not even simply sticking to common sense myself but allow myself to go into and be directed by reactions, emotions, and feelings. I mean, when we are coming at it from a point of force/energy/reaction/manipulation we are actually creating the worst possible situation for them to see/hear the common sense in a moment, and thus within that, we're also responsible in a way for the consequences they walk into, because we didn't give them the best possible chance to educate themself.