Responding with annoyance and comparison when complimenting another or being complimented - 28 February 2018

Marlen
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Responding with annoyance and comparison when complimenting another or being complimented - 28 February 2018

Postby Marlen » 28 Feb 2018, 21:56

marlen Got a topic reminder for today or next Friday to look at which was opened up by Alyson some time ago:

"alyson @sunettedimensions, I am often in awe of how much my husband does to help others including myself, if I tell him this he has difficulty accepting this and goes in to comparison and gets annoyed
sunettedimensions Hmmm that's an interesting topic we can take for next week @alyson
what to do with those who respond in annoyance and comparison when you compliment them
and why they do it"
[12:53 PM]
sunettedimensions set the channel topic: Responding with annoyance and comparison when complimenting another or being complimented - we start 5 after the hour
[12:53 PM]
sunettedimensions Cool thanks for reminder @marlen
[12:54 PM]
marlen Sure!
[1:01 PM]
valentin.rozman Hi all :slightly_smiling_face:
@sunettedimensions did you now get my email?
[1:02 PM]
anna Hello!
[1:02 PM]
carlton Hello
[1:03 PM]
randy Hey, all... Cool I got to make it to a Wednesday chat...
[1:04 PM]
sunettedimensions Nice @randy
[1:05 PM]
sunettedimensions set the channel topic: Responding with annoyance and comparison when complimenting another or being complimented - WE START
[1:05 PM]
tormod Hello
[1:05 PM]
sunettedimensions Alright, so - who has ever responded with annoyance / an emotional reaction to someone complimenting you? Essentially becoming irritated with the compliments? Who can relate to this and why would you say you reacted in this way
[1:06 PM]
valentin.rozman I did
[1:07 PM]
anna Yes, I have experienced this. When feeling like I don't deserve it, and it's unnecessary, when people make a big deal out of something small, where I've felt belittled, like they were padding me on the head.
[1:07 PM]
marlen I can relate to it, not reacting with annoyance, rather not knowing exactly what to do to being told a compliment, almost as if I wasn't admitting to myself that yes I am that caring person, yes I did that out of care or attention and 'I am care' or 'I am love and consideration' through those actions
[1:07 PM]
Klavdija Hiti A time ago my coworker take me a compliment that she see change in my work and I only think, is she changes her pills.
[1:08 PM]
viktorpersson Yes I can relate to the way you experienced it @marlen
[1:08 PM]
randy I can't say that i have responded with annoyance or irritation but, I have "minimized" whatever it was I did, as if not worthy of recognition - the :" Oh it was nothing" kind of thing...
[1:08 PM]
sunettedimensions For me, the time I did become annoyed was due to the manner / tonality in which the compliment was expressed. Hmmm - as though the person was too forthcoming / in my space / like TOO NICE in a way and immediately went into resistance towards them. With process I came to understand that it's because of the other person essentially giving the compliment because they are secretly asking to be noticed, to be seen, don't feel good enough about themselves or their own successes - so they compliment others
[1:08 PM]
anna Yes, it feels like being placed in the spotlight and it's uncomfortable cause you hadn't admitted/ackknowledged that part of yourself
[1:09 PM]
randy yes, anna
[1:09 PM]
marlen @anna that's how it feels like to me, when someone is simply grateful for something and saying 'you are a loving person' or something like that, lol I tend to cringe like 'uh uh that's not me!' lol
[1:09 PM]
tormod I can see this like a pattern, that is there, though i have not often lived it, like feeling like "aahhh there you go again complimenting me" - "you dont have to", or "you shouldn't" seems to be triggered by a backchat of superiority that "huh - no one needs to compliment the perfect" kinda thing
[1:10 PM]
marlen ah interesting tormod, that's a different dimension to it as well
[1:11 PM]
sunettedimensions So essentially with me, the resistance and annoyance was more towards HOW the other person came at me with the compliment - the positive /sincere wrapped in too much energy; so this is also a point to consider in such moments: who am I and who the other person is
[1:11 PM]
anna Yes that's another dimension @sunettedimensions - which I find very common here in Sweden, and among females especially where complimenting one another is part of the social codes of conduct, and I so often have reflected on how it's so much nicer to talk to Destonians because we can be straight forward with one another and don't have to use all those resources on compliments and back and forth speak to keep the social interactions going with niceties
[1:11 PM]
carlton I've reacted to being complimented, because it was only done in front if others, I felt as if I was being shown off for their gain.
[1:12 PM]
sunettedimensions Obviously within this, I realized it was a point for me to look into: reacting to another person's intentions TOWARDS me and making it personal instead of understanding them more
[1:12 PM]
marlen I also remember going into annoyance/irritation in another situation before, but that's because I perceived the person to also be too pleasing/overbearing and almost like 'licking my boots' so that is when I did react in annoyance
[1:12 PM]
anna I have definitely also been the person deliberately giving compliments as a strategical thing
[1:12 PM]
sunettedimensions Ahhh @carlton lol I find those instincts often ring true though - so that was probably accurate assessment of yourself in that moment / context
Yes @marlen that's a good way of putting it
[1:13 PM]
carlton Yes @sunettedimensions
[1:13 PM]
sunettedimensions Interesting @anna
[1:13 PM]
garbrielle I find if i am already reacting within myself, then i will take the compliment in reaction, making it more then what it really is, and yes to realize that the responsibility is on me to stand as the point of example even if the person did it in a way of too much for instance...to realize there is a reason behind why they are doing that and that is a point for me to realize and understand, and become the point of support rather then fuel more reactions
[1:14 PM]
talamon I was also annoyed by overwhelming compliments, but now I understand why was so uncool reaction within me, because I took personally that they might want something more but not saying so
[1:14 PM]
randy very cool @garbrielle
[1:14 PM]
tormod so who one is in relation to the other - the settings - all things considered, then i would say : keep it simple.
[1:14 PM]
Klavdija Hiti You work and try all the time the same, but sometimes they see what you do and other times they don't. Why they must give you a compliment when you work because yourself, not because you want a compliment. What they see in that time in your work? And this confuse me.
[1:15 PM]
anna In sales and marketing - giving compliments is an important way to connect with people, and in struggling with relationships with other people, I've deliberately used it - but now that you say all this, I'm not sure it has been effective. But obviously one can change it to be genuine, and still be deliberate.
[1:17 PM]
kims @sunettedimensions - I enjoy others clothing and how they put outfits together, so if I see something I like, I will mention it - do you say that perhaps there is still a slight hidden agenda here with me ? Because I have never seen it that way before
[1:17 PM]
randy @talamon, as with your example, I have had occasions where I was annoyed with someone complimenting me... it seemed insincere and I was like: what does he want?
[1:17 PM]
talamon Usually I dismiss all compliments by reminding myself how my work/what's been complimented is not good enough anyway, just for some reason others find it great, but for me it's borderline embarrassment - I felt this with most of my photos when I took it too seriously - then I realized - my strive for perfection is personal, as their enjoyment or projection into my work as well
[1:17 PM]
sunettedimensions @Klavdija Hiti depends on the person, the moment, the day, their timeline and what they notice, so many factors play a role in someone complimenting you - best to thus redefine complimenting received from others, to not so much too much focus on THEM, but self here
@kims I complimenting people sometimes when walking by them lol and even ask where they purchased an item if it interests me, or I mostly keep it to myself and simply acknowledge the compliment / noticing of them inside myself
[1:18 PM]
tormod sort of fine balance present also with the cheering and supportive stance, to be of support for the other without going into repeating and sugar coating / lying
[1:18 PM]
kims Cool @sunettedimensions
[1:19 PM]
sunettedimensions Cool @tormod
[1:19 PM]
marlen @talamon that's quite an interesting point to look at though, where there's the strive for perfection in some aspects and not acknowledge when something is cool in itself, that's how I see it
[1:19 PM]
talamon @randy yes, cool insight
[1:20 PM]
kims Yes for me it is more of an interest of where to purchase lol
[1:20 PM]
randy good point @tormod
[1:20 PM]
kims I enjoy fashion
[1:20 PM]
marlen to me it's also when being the receiving end of gratitude, which reminds me of that one pair of interviews on eqafe about it, and being moved by gratitude but in my case it's more like 'no need to thank me' type of experience, but now with what's being mentioned, definitely simply embracing someone's expression of gratitude instead of placing me/my reaction to gratitude as 'It's not necessary' as an obstacle for someone's expression
[1:21 PM]
talamon @marlen yes I agree, sometimes difficult to appreciate my work - and fun fact - just for the MC I wrote this Self-correction literally before chat: "When and as I work with someone who is emotional and in reaction, I realize and note that it is not personal how this person behaves, in particular towards me." -
[1:21 PM]
Klavdija Hiti Yes, It's difference how you receive compliment. I often be surprised when anyone give me a compliment about work or about myself, my dress, and so on. But in other side for other people do all the possible that they see my change and then give me a compliment like a my psychiatrist
[1:21 PM]
sunettedimensions Yes @marlen and this brings me to the correction dimension of redefining compliments - I looked at it as follows:
[1:21 PM]
garbrielle i also find i become emotional with compliments in a way where it is sort of like a connection point, the person is reaching out, which doesn't happen so often, so i go into a whole point of imagining what it'll be like, potentially having to get out of my comfort zone, which depending on the person i find i will sometimes go into a polarity of excitement if i go into the belief that they are special and/or go into annoyance if it is someone that i would define in my mind as not as cool as me, so there is this programming i am seeing as well going on....
[1:22 PM]
kims Interestingly @sunettedimensions when other compliment me on my clothes I immediately tell them where I got it and how much I paid lol because that’s what I would want to know if shoe on other foot, so to speak
[1:22 PM]
sunettedimensions ONE: when someone compliments - I see into them and myself, notice and acknowledge who they are and also see whether there are dimensions of myself I can work with
[1:22 PM]
tormod looking closer at this I see that I can take and use the extra compliment - when I need it, when it is time, like a battery, of a reminder, a support and guidance. often the content of a blog/life hack reminds me how to live. how to gett through challenges, by remindindg myself of "how would xx (destonains) do this task ?
[1:22 PM]
talamon @marlen I guess also annoying by compliment, when for me it's rather reminding of what is not as good as I plan to do/become, - and to realize - instead of reacting to my expectation and judgment, to directly focus on planning actual plan and solution for that - no waste any emotion
[1:22 PM]
sunettedimensions TWO: realizing that HOW I RESPOND CAN SUPPORT THEM - redefining and creating the acceptance and embracing of the compliment as per how I'd like to experience it and live it, supports not only me but them as well
[1:23 PM]
talamon so I guess, part of it is that I do not actually hear the other person but project my judgment onto that - instead of to be open and collaborative and if possible, supportive
[1:23 PM]
marlen yeah @talamon that makes more sense, to acknowledge the compliment to that phase/stage of the expression in itself, knowing you can get better at it while acknowledging the point of creation/development in itself and keeping at it, so yep no point to react with annoyance indeed
[1:23 PM]
sunettedimensions another one I have been working on is: ensuring I have FACTS to back up the compliment as an acknowledgement and recognition of a person, who they are, a skill / achievement etc. That it is not just done in energy from my part, but my words reflect the fact that Ï see you and appreciate / cherish this / that of you"
[1:24 PM]
viktorpersson Yes that is a cool cross-reference @sunettedimensions
[1:24 PM]
anna It's cool to also look at a compliment as an unconditional sharing, as something I share for me and for the other person, but that doesn't expect something in return.
[1:24 PM]
joekou the difference between compliment and flattery
[1:25 PM]
garbrielle yes that's a cool point Sunette, like working with the word genuine in such a case
[1:25 PM]
sunettedimensions Indeed @joekou
[1:25 PM]
marlen yeah that's the word there, I was thinking 'fluffery' but it's flattery, where it becomes a sugar-coating of something
[1:25 PM]
randy there you go joekou
[1:25 PM]
viktorpersson A common reaction I have when receiving a compliment is that I do not believe it – that they just say it
[1:26 PM]
randy I like 'fluffery" @marlen :slightly_smiling_face:
[1:26 PM]
marlen lol I can also relate to that @viktorpersson but now we can also add the consideration of cross-checking/self honesty if what we do is in fact correlating with the compliment
[1:26 PM]
joekou lol fluffery can also be a word. "John flattered Dave with all manner of praise and fluffery"
[1:26 PM]
sunettedimensions Flattery Fluffery
[1:26 PM]
viktorpersson Though here I could stop making it about them and instead look within me at the point
[1:26 PM]
marlen lol fluffery it is!
[1:26 PM]
sunettedimensions lol @joekou
[1:26 PM]
randy lol @joekou
[1:26 PM]
anna Don't fluff me.
[1:27 PM]
joekou lol just have to be aware of the connotation to 'fluffer' which is a porn term
[1:27 PM]
marlen yeah that's the point as well here @viktorpersson kind of like deciding who am I in the face of gratitude and instead of wanting to not 'hear it' or 'not believe it' or 'not accept it' how do I decide to embrace it
lolol @joekou had no idea
[1:28 PM]
kims I am often aware of when I am using flattery to get my way lol
[1:28 PM]
carlton Lol
[1:28 PM]
joekou flattery has almost a venomous tinge to it
[1:29 PM]
kims In fact I would say I am always aware
[1:29 PM]
anna Making someone flat and one-dimensional, like they're an extra in your show
[1:30 PM]
randy why is flattery necessary kims?
[1:30 PM]
gian This is KimK on Gians computer - I have found dificulty giving compliments to others without going into that energy of apparently making the other feel good and better - which is I guess what I am actually looking for in moments of insecurity. So for me to carry from here will be to, when I notice something about someone that I admire, like or cherish, will be to then also look at myself, and make a note of how I can walk my version of that which I see in another that I admire. This is grounding because I know the process involved in developing a new quality of skill, which is humbling and grounding to remember the process
[1:30 PM]
sunettedimensions So, compliment would be existent within the dimension of actual noticing and simply a sharing of that connection of seeing another within and without - an unconditional sharing / support. Flattery - the hidden agenda / issue in fact exposing self
[1:30 PM]
joekou yes
[1:30 PM]
kims When I have wanted my way Randy - do less so these days I am always aware of my motives
[1:31 PM]
marlen yeah exactly that's the answer there randy by Kimk, it's a way to be accepted, be liked by someone else that one sees as better/would like to be like them, or wanting to 'get' something out of them.
[1:31 PM]
sunettedimensions @kimk sharing what you notice and also possibly even later going to that person and sharing how their living supported you - this is part of redefining relationships, communication and intimacy in everyday life
[1:31 PM]
marlen yes, I like that point of embracing that unconditional sharing/support, giving and receiving as a consequence of that.
[1:31 PM]
gian Cool Sunette
[1:32 PM]
Klavdija Hiti I'm thinking, that I don't give to the people compliments, but in other side I give it. So, where is line between open giving a compliments like you are so beautifully and close giving a compliments like giving likes on FB or give a comments on FB, or something like this.
[1:32 PM]
sunettedimensions I learn more about myself when someone shares what they notice, how what I live / do inspired them etc. 0 it's truly awesome and meaningful and supports me more in many ways
[1:32 PM]
marlen yep that's also cool, sometimes we don't notice what we do that inspires others to do it for themselves and so doing the same for others as well, sometimes they are also not aware of 'who they are' and how they live inspires us back to do the same
[1:32 PM]
kims Yes @sunettedimensions me too
[1:33 PM]
marlen so this becomes more like I notice you, I appreciate this of you, I learn from you and I'm thankful for that and that's it !
[1:33 PM]
anna That was also cool what you mentioned in your recording about Bernard and how we in Desteni have related to Bernard Sunette, how no one ever told him what they'd learned from him, or even talked much about it after.
[1:33 PM]
randy indeed marlen
[1:33 PM]
viktorpersson Yes
[1:33 PM]
tormod having others take my photo is a favorite thing, there is so much detail to pictures taken by the other !
[1:34 PM]
anna And it made me look at the unique relationship I personally developed with/towards Bernard and how it was indeed very specific to me - what he represented to me and showed me.
[1:34 PM]
viktorpersson And sharing that might open the point up for the other person – its easy to take for granted what we are really good at
[1:34 PM]
anna I enjoy those photos of you @tormod
[1:34 PM]
gian Yes - I enjoy your expression in the photos @tormod
[1:34 PM]
marlen exactly @viktorpersson yes that's where it's just 'natural' to us that we don't notice it, not aware of it and so it creates an awareness to also share more details about it
[1:34 PM]
tormod wow... yall complimenting me lol
[1:34 PM]
marlen lol
[1:34 PM]
tormod lol thanks
[1:35 PM]
sunettedimensions lol or you can take it as a compliment, could also just be a sharing is all
So, compliments can also be about how you perceive another's intentions towards - just sharing something, or it actually being about you...
[1:35 PM]
marlen an acknowledgment of sharing/giving/receiving as a compliment, so that removes the flattery point
[1:35 PM]
garbrielle lol interesting Tormod
[1:36 PM]
tormod yea, through the eyes of others we see ourself
[1:36 PM]
kims I used to be very shy and feel awkward when compliments came my way
Like I didn’t deserve them
[1:36 PM]
marlen also we are the only ones that can elevate or deflate ourselves through a judgment anyways, not at all about the other person, so it's up to us to take it as it comes and stand stable through it, understanding it
[1:37 PM]
garbrielle yes i was like that @kims usually didn't believe them
[1:37 PM]
talamon yes - to actually complEment
[1:37 PM]
kims Yes agreed @marlen
Yes @garbrielle exactly
[1:37 PM]
tormod facinating @talamon
[1:37 PM]
garbrielle yes back to self @marlen for sure
[1:38 PM]
marlen so for example with the point of not believing them, what is hiding behind it about ourselves?
[1:38 PM]
sunettedimensions Indeed @marlen
[1:38 PM]
marlen to me it sounds like I'm not admitting to myself that I can in fact be good at something or be progressing in something or be expressing love/care/consideration towards a situation or someone
[1:39 PM]
talamon yes, so if I don't believe in a compliment, would mean that I judge the person as not honest or not competent
[1:39 PM]
kims Yes exactly @marlen
[1:39 PM]
viktorpersson Yes, not being willing to admit that to self
[1:39 PM]
gian I have been walking a process with cooking for a crowd here, and one of the points I walked was cooking to please others. When I would go into that, I would become uncomfortable with the compliments, this is because they meant SO much to me in terms of the validation and approval I was seeking, then almost feeling embarrassed about it. When I let go of the people pleaser aspect of cooking, I could then just enjoy the compliments, but if I didn't get them or people didn't like the food, I could just as easily let it go - whereas before I would react and be devastated lol!
[1:39 PM]
marlen like a denial of one's actual potential
[1:39 PM]
randy yes, indeed @marlen
[1:39 PM]
viktorpersson lol @gian
[1:40 PM]
gian It is Kim K here (reminder lol!)
[1:40 PM]
viktorpersson hehe ok
[1:40 PM]
garbrielle ah that's cool KimK, nice process you walked there
[1:40 PM]
randy lol kimk / @gian
[1:40 PM]
marlen also how one goes building the expectation while doing it as well gian, having others in mind so to speak so there comes the 'compliment' time or 'approval/disapproval' time where the energy point is released type of thing
oh @kimk yes
[1:41 PM]
garbrielle that situation with cooking for a lot of people can be very pressurized, when you let go of the energy of it and do your best, then can enjoy the outflows cause it is what it is and you gave it your all....i can relate to that a lot
[1:41 PM]
talamon cool recognition, @gian - as becoming the pleaser, actually preparing to be disappointed - but if just self-trust and self-expression, it's fun
[1:41 PM]
kims I am learning to embrace myself and what I am good at, and improving the points that will assist me to be better. And I no longer look to others for justification or thanks, but when I get it I always flag point who I am within it, sometimes I forget to do forgiveness in the reaction, so this is a point to improve lol
[1:41 PM]
garbrielle and when you hold on to the ideas and beliefs like you say can be very uncomfortable in the outflows KimK
[1:41 PM]
gian I am wondering if the impressions of my comment there changed from when people thought is was gian vs kim k? Just a fun consideration :slightly_smiling_face:
[1:41 PM]
marlen so yes a cool reminder to ground these subtle build ups can be as well how we are learning to do things as an expression of the best of ourselves, where preparing a meal for one or others then becomes that expression of care, enjoyment, nourishment and if someone thanks it, hey that's cool because its meant to nourish ourselves to the best we can in that moment and share it
[1:42 PM]
talamon haha @gian Kim - not at all here
[1:42 PM]
tormod my buddy (hihihi) have given me lots of backup / compliments for a long time. the endurance and consistency of it, has been rewarding today - I see that now... like i said, I use it like a battery/tank - to take out when in question/challenged to solve self and issues - often also related to THE destonian blogging world - gratefull !
[1:42 PM]
marlen that's cool @kims indeed to focus on self in it all, and not on others' reactions of it
[1:42 PM]
carlton Lol KimK
[1:42 PM]
gian Exactly @talamon that was my finding, and what a relief it was! Now I just enjoy the process of cooking
[1:43 PM]
talamon sometimes I see a pattern within me and as people categorize, judge me as that - sometimes catching myself to fulfill their idea of me just for fun - which is probably energy and playing for safety, instead of self-trust - so fun also a word what should be used with self-honesty
[1:43 PM]
tormod the battery/tank is wrong word for it... it is just there, like in words/memory
[1:44 PM]
marlen yeah that's a simple way to put it indeed @talamon transforming our doings from expectations, looking for approval or flattery to doing them as our expression and sharin gi t
[1:44 PM]
kims It’s like getting likes on Facebook lol :laughing: sometimes I look to see who’s liked my post
[1:44 PM]
talamon haha kims because it's not too much lol - imagine being 20.000 likes, still would you check them?
[1:44 PM]
kims No lol talamon
[1:45 PM]
marlen @kims I've heard of people becoming addicted to 'getting the likes' in social media and kind of only focusing on that, so yep another example of when sharing is not unconditional but expecting the like-reward as energy trip
[1:45 PM]
carlton Can relate @kims
[1:45 PM]
Klavdija Hiti yes, and see who from Desteni like you and be proud on yourself
[1:45 PM]
kims I would be Will Smith and he would have people that check that for him lol
[1:45 PM]
talamon I watched Altered Carbon series, where they switch bodies as they say 'sleeve' - and then it's like does not matter who is within what body, but more who they are as beings, I liked that
[1:46 PM]
kims Yes @Klavdija Hiti
[1:46 PM]
viktorpersson Yes that was interesting – also interesting how much they abused the physical because they considered it as less than consciousness
@talamon
[1:46 PM]
marlen I read a bit about that one @talamon is it on netflix or something?
[1:46 PM]
randy ahh, was planning on watching that talamon - looked interesting
[1:46 PM]
gian I am most excited when non-destonians like my posts because then I consider a wider audience hearing the message, and seeing what is more palatable for those that don't know about desteni, but just hear the common sense of it
[1:46 PM]
kims Just started to watch that @talamon
[1:46 PM]
talamon indeed @viktorpersson - that was quite brutal indeed
[1:46 PM]
kims Yes me too @gian
[1:47 PM]
randy indeed kimk / @gian
[1:47 PM]
Klavdija Hiti For me is still more important one like from destonians than 100 from others @kims
[1:47 PM]
viktorpersson And I find that reflects our own relationship to our bodies for the most part - it is like a sleeve – not its own being
[1:47 PM]
talamon yes, @marlen
for instance when someone complimented to a photo of mine who I know is 'professional' - I felt positive, and when someone who was not photographer at all - I felt more annoyed as reminded me of my own judgments to myself
[1:49 PM]
viktorpersson lol @talamon
[1:49 PM]
Klavdija Hiti like me @talamon
[1:49 PM]
kims Bye all
[1:49 PM]
marlen hmm I'm thinking how to conclude this point for me, what to say when being complimented, can be 'thanks' and simply take it as acknowledgment, some other times I can implement saying 'in equality' and that can open up a new dimension to the interaction/situation
[1:49 PM]
talamon cool @kims enjoy and bye
[1:50 PM]
randy I like that @marlen - "in equality"
[1:50 PM]
garbrielle nice @marlen
[1:50 PM]
marlen the latter more in relation to being 'thanked for' something, or expanding on the process to create that as an expression of me and sharing it, something like that, what do you guys say
[1:51 PM]
randy cool
[1:51 PM]
gian Can say thanks, remind self of the process that has been walked to get there, but also where one is not quite satisfied and re-committing to continue to expand the point
[1:51 PM]
sunettedimensions @marlen let's continue with that Friday
[1:51 PM]
marlen ok deal
[1:51 PM]
sunettedimensions The detail of how to respond in moments of compliments
Who am I as COMPLIMENT
[1:51 PM]
talamon @Klavdija Hiti sure lol
[1:51 PM]
sunettedimensions to give and receive
[1:51 PM]
garbrielle general definition i have made for compliments is to cross-reference myself in reality, that in that specific compliment i am making progress for myself, see if it matches up with my own self understanding
[1:52 PM]
gian cool @garbrielle
[1:52 PM]
sunettedimensions That's also a cool dimension right there @garbrielle
All thanks for being here! @alyson will have quite a bit of material to digest and hope it supports A!
[1:52 PM]
randy that's cool garb
[1:52 PM]
talamon thanks, Sunette to bring up this point, quire a self-reflection support
[1:52 PM]
sunettedimensions Warm SA goodnight all
[1:52 PM]
marlen cool guys thanks, to be continued
[1:52 PM]
randy bye... Thanks everyone
[1:53 PM]
garbrielle hugs everyone, thanks for the chat....enjoy!
[1:53 PM]
carlton Thanks all bye
[1:53 PM]
Klavdija Hiti bye and some snow from me
[1:53 PM]
sunettedimensions @talamon was a reminder by @marlen - all thanks to her remembrance, Thanks @marlen memory
Bye!
[1:53 PM]
gian thanks everyone!
[1:53 PM]
marlen lol anytime, bye guys!
[1:53 PM]
talamon @sunettedimensions ah great, I am grateful @marlen & thanks all
[1:53 PM]
garbrielle @sunettedimensions was this chat a request from before?
[1:53 PM]
marlen yep at the start @garbrielle
[1:54 PM]
garbrielle ok cool thanks M



Hannah
Posts: 12
Joined: 07 Dec 2017, 23:26

Re: Responding with annoyance and comparison when complimenting another or being complimented - 28 February 2018

Postby Hannah » 02 Mar 2018, 00:44

Sorry I'm late. I'll just share my perspective on compliments.
My first memory (that I still have) of having an emotional reaction to a compliment, was when I was staying over in a caravan in Wales with my cousin and (now) two uncles. We were making home made mothers day cards with stuff we bought. I made one for my mum, and then made one for my Nan with what little was left over. Because of this - My uncle complimented me by saying I was creative, and went on to say 'Its like you've made something out of nothing'. I dont know why but I just started to feel upset, like I was about to cry. But the experience felt as if he had just told me off or said 'That's shit'. He then said 'it's okay, its a compliment. You dont take compliments well ect ect.

In school, it was a difference experience to compliments, I would feel like I was overlooked but then when I was complimented, for example on my drawing or something, I would feel embaressed and like I should not act like I beleive the compliment.

Another time in school in music class, We were given a simplified version of fur elise to play on just the right side of the piano. But because I had a keyboard for a few years and had learnt it on the 'learn yourself program' I knew the 'proper' version- And also, the left hand side and I could play the two together. When we were showcasing what we 'learnt', I played my version and some of the other children turned on me and instead of complimening me just sort of made it seem like a bad thing. But obviously I knew it's because they couldn't play it and probably wondered why I could play it so easily, and did not really know that I'd actually been practacing that song on and off for years.

I work in customer service. Would be described by some people as the nicest person they have met because of how I talk and what I talk about ect et. Where as some people on here probably think I'm mad (maybe because you can't hear my voice). I dont think I'm the nicest person in the world, but I do compliment people quite often. I also think bad things about people and think good and so on. But since working in a shop and being on the floor and having the opportunity to actually talk to everyone that passes me without being judged - because its my job: I've found that I like to talk to people and be quite friendly towards everyone and point out things I like about people. Like what Kim said about fashon, If I see something I like on someone I will say 'I like that' 'Thats very nice'. If someone has nice perfume on and I think 'They smell so nice'. I will say 'You smell so nice'. It doesnt feel like flattery because I'm not lying, I am just sharing. And for example, If I see someone and think 'She is fat' or 'That looks weird' 'What a nasty person', then I wont say it because I dont think it will benefit either of us and will probably upset the person. Where as if I point out what I do like the person will go away smiling ect. I suppose I could go down the middle and say nothing, but I think why not say if I like something or can see something in someone that they might not see? It will benefit both of us, especially with the sounding of words effecting ourselves? Maybe it is a selling point - because I work in customer service. But maybe its also who I am, or what I would like and see it as a safe place to share and express. Where as on the street, I offended someone for smiling at them. Now I just take compliments. And am kind of grateful for them, because if people had not complimented me in certain aspects of my life/self then I might not have seen it, or I might of seen it when it was too late. That being said I dont think people should necessaraly take compliments personal and live for them and 'seek validation'. Will probably regret writing this later from embaressment fear of being judged as an idiot or illitarate. I think compliments can comliment us as long as they are meant. (lets all throw up).

Oooh just thought of a time where I reacted uncomfortably to compliments and sometimes still do. Its when Men compliment how I look but its because I'm aware that they just want to have sex with me evetually (or just some one) that I feel uncomfortable. And that I couldnt remember where the transaction was where I was not considered as attractive and then all of a sudden if I'm 'nice' to someone and they are male, that they think I am attracted to them, or become attracted to me. Its very strange because even from Women I always hear that I am beautiful,or pretty and I just sit there like "What do you see that I dont?" "Am I missing something here", because I never thought that about myself. I used to hate my nose but its been described as the perfect nose by someone who I thought had the perfect nose, and guess what? They hated their nose :o The same with my forehead ect... Back to the point of being complimented by Men when I can see their intention of basically having sex ith me - They will complimet me on my voice, my face and 'innocentness', which makes me actually very uncomfortable. because I have heared if you are attracted to someone or something, its because you are missing that within yourslef (not to say you are not capable of being that person for yourself, but a lot of people dont see it this way). So, if someone describes me as 'innocent' as a weird compliment, I fear them a bit, because I think 'are you the oposite of innocdnt? Are you missing it? Are you going to follow me home and murder me and keep me on your wall". So I suppose I can see how compliments can not so good :) But I suppose it is the intention behind it, although for them it is probably all 'innocent"

Will probably regret posting this but I am going to because I'm trying to support myself with sharing, you should all take it as a compliment!

(Lets all throw up together now)

Thank you very much




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