The Nice Guy Character - 2 March 2018

Marlen
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The Nice Guy Character - 2 March 2018

Postby Marlen » 02 Mar 2018, 22:11

gian Evening everyone. I will be hosting tonight's Public Chat.
The topic will be on The NICE GUY CHARACTER - or person, since we are guys and girls here.
Let us each look within ourselves, access this character of being NICE and what roles this character plays, and why? what is the fears, insecurities, the agendas that the nice person is hiding, enforcing or pushing for.
We start 5 after the hour.
[1:00 PM]
michelle cool

[1:02 PM]
mikemcd Control
[1:02 PM]
randy indeed mikemcd
[1:02 PM]
valentin.rozman Hi all :slightly_smiling_face:
[1:03 PM]
carlton Hello
[1:03 PM]
mikemcd Yo
[1:03 PM]
viktorpersson Hello
[1:04 PM]
duska.mag Hey
[1:04 PM]
randy howdy y'all
[1:04 PM]
mikemcd The opposite of "nice guy" works the same way
[1:04 PM]
leilazm The psychopath?
lol
[1:04 PM]
mikemcd Hahaha
[1:04 PM]
randy asshole?
[1:05 PM]
duska.mag yes - desire for control, avoiding conflict
[1:06 PM]
marlen wanting to be liked/not be rejected, wanting to be accepted and appreciated
[1:06 PM]
gian Yes it does indeed Mike, we do enjoy apposites, but for the sake of focusing on one point, lets look specifically on the nice guy point. I would suggest we each start with writing out how we have seen the nice guy pattern play out, and then we can even give a specific memory/moment of the character acting out.
[1:07 PM]
tormod doing work/chores /etc to feel appreciated and liked. believing that people like/love me from how i do or don't do work tasks and chores
[1:07 PM]
gian The Nice guy pattern for me takes place In moments where the following is required - integrity, standing, being assertive, I have found this fear coming up, a fear of conflict, the conflict that I fear in these situations is that of being belittled, humiliated or even disrespected, being kicked down and kicked some more, losing myself, not knowing who I am within standing, and so I have this NICE guy character that comes up, which compromises, which pushes me into this pleasing point, not sticking to common sense and self-honesty. I will write down and example, a memory to show an outplay of this.
[1:07 PM]
viktorpersson The nice guy for me has been saying yes to things that I would rather have said NO to – especially when it comes to work – where I will say 'Yes! - I can do that' – when I do not have enough time to do it
[1:09 PM]
valentin.rozman I can also relate to Being a Nice Guy character very much
[1:09 PM]
marlen yep I can relate to that level of compromise @viktorpersson as well, when thinking more about pleasing others than looking at what I'm really up for, however at the same time it has assisted to break through the initial resistance to do stuff. So it all has to do then with practicality
[1:09 PM]
tormod it is a tagg-energy-to-conscious-wall decoration game of being liked.
[1:09 PM]
viktorpersson And then also, there has been times when there is a certain expectation as to what should be said and done in a moment, and I see that it would be best and in alignment with my self-honesty to do something that opposes that status quo – then I would adopt the nice guy attitude of going along with the stream
[1:10 PM]
mikemcd Nice guy construct is about "identity" how another person's impression is formed about you.

It's about approval. It's kind of like a sales thing.

It can or cannot be self compromising.

Depends on the starting point.
[1:10 PM]
maite set the channel topic: The Nice Guy/Gal Character
[1:10 PM]
randy i used to play the nice guy character a lot at work - dealing with people from other departments/areas. And I did it with an agenda - mostly to get them to do things correctly ( like ordering supplies)...
[1:11 PM]
mikemcd In a world of competition for money...mostly everybody plays with this character
[1:11 PM]
randy agreed mikemcd
[1:11 PM]
gotaja Cool topic
[1:11 PM]
viktorpersson Yes, though sometimes even in the system it is beneficial and needed to step out of nice guy character
[1:11 PM]
carlton I've played out this character wanting to be accepted and appreciated and to get what I wanted in certain instances, where I believed my niceness would shine through to them in hopes for them to like me, but all I got was, you're too nice. Lol
[1:12 PM]
michelle I would say from my experience, behind the nice girl character was desperation to be liked and / or loved by someone, and within that become more insecure in myself - to the point where I would get taken advantage of
[1:12 PM]
maite haha, Carlton
[1:12 PM]
mikemcd For sure viktor. And even doing that can be perceived as a "nice guy
[1:12 PM]
tormod I am letting go of this more and more - doing things out of practical need. living the word gentleness also assist me with this dimension.
[1:12 PM]
mikemcd He was so nice to be mean to me...shows he really cared...
[1:13 PM]
gotaja Self-suppression for me in terms of self-value. I act as the nice guy when I dont give value to myself in order to get validation that I got value. Started to walk it by doing good stuff without letting anyone know, buahahahahah!
[1:13 PM]
randy sure @viktorpersson
[1:13 PM]
carolyne Playing nice girl for me is usually victimization in disguise
[1:13 PM]
marlen how so @carolyne?
[1:13 PM]
viktorpersson lol @mikemcd
[1:13 PM]
maite For me it's mostly been a matter of trying to avoid conflict - like Viktor's second example, not wanting to challenge the status quo or rock the boat - where, say everything is going quite well, except for one point that needs direction and discussion, instead of bringing up that one point, rather leaving it to not be the one to bring focus to the one thing that is not working well
[1:13 PM]
gotaja Ooh can relate @carolyne!
[1:14 PM]
gian Being NICE in the Face of EVIL (abuse) - I went into a woodworking shop to find some shavings for our rat pet. as I was waiting for the guy to get me some shavings, I noticed in the corner a Cage, a small cage, with a parrot in the cage, the parrot didn't have half his feathers, he had no water in his bowl or even food, shit was all over the cage, it hasn't been cleaned in MONTHS, as I saw this, I looked at the two ladies sitting by the counter laughing, I had it within me to immediately say to them, the Parrot is out of food and water, and he probably needs his cage cleaned, but in that moment a FEAR came up, what is they attack me with words, reactions, and thus dislike me, I said softly, in a laughing voice, the parrot needs some water, they didn't even hear me, and then I simply felt bad, and did nothing more, I paid for the shavings and walked out, I had kicked myself down, I had disappointment the parrot, I stayed quit and "out of other peoples business" I kept smiling and pretended that they are awesome people, the parrot in the cage was left in the abusive corner, ignored. I humiliated myself, I let myself down, I was mean to myself and that bird, but at least I was liked and nice to the people I will probably never see again.
[1:14 PM]
carrie Same here @maite well said
[1:14 PM]
carolyne Playing nice as i see myself as lacking what i need and therefore have to play nice to get it and if i dont, get all angry and spiteful, vangeful ie the victim.
[1:15 PM]
maite so in my case then it's more about not doing something, not bringing something up, instead of going out of my way to 'act nice'
[1:15 PM]
viktorpersson Cool @gian – so your self-honesty in that moment would have been to be more direct with them?
[1:16 PM]
tormod to me it is to build energies/belives of conscious mind to make myself "happy" with what i see/experience of my own energy addiction. enough.
[1:16 PM]
carlton I can also relate to that too @viktorpersson @maite not trying to stir up and conflict that only perpetuated more conflict because I actually saw the problem and could have said something but didn't and rather played the nice guy.
[1:16 PM]
marlen so in a way there's fear of conflict, fear of having to discuss about something that might unsettle things? Which is interesting because then these points we leave 'behind' then later on become bigger snowballs that invariably have to be opened up
[1:16 PM]
gian @viktorpersson my self-honesty would have been to purely keep it practical and real, not personal, keeping to the facts/reality and not go into my mind and self-preservation and so go into energy games and ignore life which was there as a symbol as the parrot, being abused.
[1:17 PM]
gotaja @carolyne started to be super nice in self-victimization to spite my mom because she was unfair in my eyes. That kind of stuck with me too lol... indirect way to spite authority. Doesnt work tho for me at least :P
[1:17 PM]
ingrids At work I tend to be a bit too direct so let's sat the opposite but have been correcting this last few years - i play more the nice girl in more close relationships, fearing to say 'no' and not wanting to offend, avoiding conflict and then actyally creating conflict but actually behind it, not knowing how to share myself for example, how to bring in sonething new
[1:17 PM]
mikemcd I've pushed the extremes. Nice to get what I want from someone. Specific tactics of manipulation.

I've done it as a point to share....for better or worse...where it wasn't about self honesty....but just honesty....and saying whatever came up in me
[1:18 PM]
maite @marlen yup, for sure, and by that time, our own anger/frustration with ourselves for not saying anything has nicely built up - so when you then do finally speak, it's in energy, bringing in all those moments of suppression - and then you're pretty sure to create conflict
[1:18 PM]
mikemcd And then making it about simply a poi t of sharing..treating others how I like to be treates
[1:18 PM]
viktorpersson I see – and on a practical level – how would you have done that @gian? Would you have spoken to the ladies?
[1:19 PM]
marlen definitely a cool reminder there maite, to not sacrifice a 'moment' of 'everything is fine' and let's let this one slip by, and instead opening it up and sorting it out in the moment and then create real openness, stability, clarity, wellness interesting dimension there
[1:20 PM]
tormod bring it back to the physical, practical common sense
[1:21 PM]
randy sure @maite have been in those situations so, I should have said something the first time - instead when problems arose, and I brought it up, I was seen as creating conflict.
[1:21 PM]
kimk My memory is from childhood - being bullied and having no friends. I tried to control the situation by winning people over with niceness, and yes, avoiding conflict, and it worked really well. What happened is that after doing this for so long, I lost myself and totally compromised a process of discovering myself, because I was too busy being nice and doing whatever was required to be that. Into adult life and jobs, even at my last job. But there I started putting my foot down and started dabbling with asserting myself, and when I wasn't 'super nice all the time' person, I felt like a complete asshole. To my surprise, people still liked me lol! Except, it is probably because they were also playing the nice character!
[1:21 PM]
gian @viktorpersson yes it was HERE in that moment, I suppressed it with fear, the way was simple, direct, non emotional, I would have in a normal voice said, HI, I noticed the parrot is out of food and water, I myself have 5 african grey parrots, and with the amount of poo in the cage it can great disease and kill the parrot, BUT because I went into emotion, it was compromised with reaction and thus I would have started a war lol, and attack the ladies, make it about THEM, instead of exposing the point here as it is, and thei will face themselves within that. so I went into nice mode to also avoid my intense anger in that moment and BEING the one to attack and possibly harm with words
so, interesting here @viktorpersson - I fear myself
[1:21 PM]
viktorpersson What I see as a problem when it comes to the fear of rocking the boat, is that I usually have only two ways within me, either ROCK THE BOAT or not do anything at all – and that is also what contributes to me stepping back – because I do not want to go all in – and here I see that I could practice being more creative and sort of tread into the new experience of challenging the status quo in a different way – see if I can create more of a balanced approach to my interaction
[1:21 PM]
marlen I also can see this dimension where even if there's explicit openness to 'say things as they are' I can still hold back in a similar way, and so lately I've been taking the steps of rather saying how I see things so that they can be put on the table to discuss how practical it is what I see and the solution or not, or if I'm bothered about something, whether it is my fussiness or practical point. So being a 'nice guy' in the sense of not speaking out about things that can be causing a stir indeed
[1:21 PM]
randy lol kimk
[1:22 PM]
viktorpersson Yes interesting @gian
[1:23 PM]
marlen yep makes sense @gian key there to first stabilize self to not go into emotional reactions and then the blame towards others for 'not doing the care' for the parrot and then simply point out what you notice, as a fact of matter t ype of thing
[1:23 PM]
michelle ‘‘saying how I see things,‘’ cool so it’s a self-sharing @marlen
[1:23 PM]
maite Ahh, good one, @viktorpersson - how we always assume it's either the one or the other, black and white - not seeing the many ways things can actually unfold and go down and most often, it's not the way our mind/fears present them to us beforehand
[1:24 PM]
mikemcd Ya that was kind of a liberating experience for me @Kim. I can remember having a moment where it's like I don't have to pretend to give a shit if I'm not interested.
[1:25 PM]
marlen key questions we can ask ourselves in those moments where we see we can be open about something and step out of the 'good guy' type of personality is 'what do I fear losing here?' and then remind ourselves how not speaking things as they are, as I experience them, or being too pleasing or whatever is a form of compromise, the glossing over that will 'run out' at some point, not realistic, not sustainable - so, rather creating things that last which is with saying, expressing the way that is more in tune with our reality, our truth in that moment - while yes all things considered depending person/context etc.
[1:25 PM]
rebeccadalmas Cool Victor , that very same point I looked at last night - to really listen and realize being more creative with what is on the table in the moment .
[1:25 PM]
gian For example in my specific situation with the parrot, I placed people above an animal, so here I also had to look at how I still have this idea that it is okay to let people abuse animals, and animals suffer, even if it is right in front of you here in the moment and say nothing, based on the IDEA that people are so sensitive and their emotions matter more than this parrot having food or water.
[1:25 PM]
rebeccadalmas I also worked on speaking what I can stand by.
[1:26 PM]
michelle cool realization @gian I can relate
[1:26 PM]
gian Be NICE my mother always said when we were around people, even when the people you were around with was drinking, and talking really nasty stuff and gossiping, just smile and wave boys.
[1:26 PM]
marlen @michelle yeah I've seen how I gotta first cross reference how I see things so that the other person can understand 'where I'm coming from' and that assists with understanding for example my pickiness about something, and then crossreferencing it with reality: is it valid or not? is it necessary to change things to validate my point of view or is it only me being fussy about something? That's one example
[1:26 PM]
ingrids I can relate to the situation you describe @gian - i see within myself then a judgement towards others - whicj givws a fear because I know this will trigger reactions - and so not being able to speak without emotion and then creating a self-judgement over it again of not voicing myself
[1:26 PM]
kimk I couldn't hold my tongue last time I went to cuba - I had to tell some people that their dogs harness was cutting the dog's chest, I looked and it was all raw and oozing. I went to the owners and apologized for bothering them, my heart was pounding in my chest! I told them I wanted to show them something, and I brought them over to the dog. I said I wasn't sure if they noticed the harness cutting the dog. They said they did and yes yes yes they were going to get a new one... but they were smiling and laughing about it. I felt glad that I spoke up, but then absolutely helpless that nothing would change. It seemed like SUCH a big deal that I was speaking up, that I expected mountains to move lol! But in the end, mostly it is just a ripple.
[1:27 PM]
tormod point of fearing self I can relate to @gian facing people that can be very direct and honest everday here in the village, a true reflection of me/my nastyness/ego reflected and i see it soooo clear ! gratefull
[1:27 PM]
viktorpersson lol @gian – yes when you are nice it is less chance of creating a conflict
[1:28 PM]
rebeccadalmas Yes , lol , I used to say to the boys to not leave any holes in the fence ; meaning what one says can lead to harm , and then that accumulates and pretty soon one no longer has control ( automation ) so best to speak without leaving “ holes in the fence .”
[1:28 PM]
marlen lol @gian that's a common one indeed, the 'being taught to be nice' as social conduct. Cool to get this personality on the table and be more aware of it. I see how in the midst of people that are very comfortable with 'not being nice with each other' I tend to react like 'hey that's not nice to say to each other' but I see how it comes from this layer of 'niceness' as social-interaction facade.
[1:28 PM]
randy funny how that parental voice "Be nice" stays with us .... @gian I can still hear my mother saying it sometimes.... it's her voice in my head...
[1:29 PM]
gian Taking it BACK to myself - HOW do I react and respond when someone ISN"T nice towards me, here is a very interesting point of view to take into consideration and I would say the reason we are so NICE with masks on, because within myself/ourselves we want people to be NICE to us, no matter what we do, and when someone isn't NICE to us, what do I do, what do we do?
[1:29 PM]
duska.mag I was playing a nice / cool girl when I meet the supplier of natural medicine that is not easy to get. I didn't want to cause any conflict, because I wanted him to like me and thus keep on supplying me. I was trying so hard to be nice, that I feelt awkward, lol.
[1:29 PM]
viktorpersson Yes – and is that maybe because we ourselves fear being challenged in our shit?
It is a game, we are nice to others, and then we expect them to be nice to us, so that we do not have to feel challenged
[1:31 PM]
randy but, you at least created a ripple kimk
[1:31 PM]
rebeccadalmas I had a school official stand up and say some really nasty things - because I had written out so many rants - for a moment I saw that as a rant - Remebering it can not define me unless I allow it ! It was not who he was or what I was about - so while in that moment I was moving to be creative and pull back the interaction - his rant stopped and he lean d over and said he agreed with me !
So , criticism is never criticism , it reveals where one is at ! Which is really cool !
[1:32 PM]
mikemcd Ooops I wrote replies
[1:32 PM]
marlen yep there's definitely that expectation to be fulfilled at the same time, which exists based on this expectation of 'we all have to be nice to each other' which is maybe an initial way to interact with new people, but it definitely doesn't last when talking about more long-standing relationships, closer people. I also have seen myself get annoyed by too much niceness, like some people in shops, so there simply understanding they are playing the pleasing costumer role and understanding the set up and that's it... or they can really be that sweet and nice lol and then I have to look at why I am reacting to 'really nice people'
yeah please don't post replies to specific messages guys, they dont' appear in the stream so they don't get read/copied
[1:33 PM]
kimk @duska.mag Sometimes it can be used when needed, like playing 'the game' at work, so long as it is done in awareness. I can also relate to that awkwardness, so at work I would throw in some realness from time to time, which people seemed to respect and respond well to, and I would experience myself as more at ease. It is like candy-coated realness, being very specific in when you are nice, and when you are more direct.
[1:33 PM]
gian When someone isn't NICE to me, I make it my mission to conquer them, to diminish them, to make them PAY for what they did to me, lets be honest, it becomes a war game, long term and short term. Funny how Nice is hiding so much evil,
[1:34 PM]
rebeccadalmas Oh Marlen , there was a system design of how to speak to others ! Those we do not know we have to use less facts and speak to emotion , those we know we can use facts - goes something like this .
[1:34 PM]
viktorpersson lol @gian – that is interesting
[1:34 PM]
marlen right @viktorpersson that's another dimension of it indeed: I am nice to you = expecting you are also nice to me and we keep each other at bay so to speak, so again seeing 'who am I' behind how I relate to others and ensuring there are no fears driving the expression
[1:34 PM]
mikemcd Source of war
[1:34 PM]
kimk When someone isn't nice to me "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" comes to mind
[1:34 PM]
gian take a look at how everyone is trying to be NICE to for example America, whom ever isnt nice to america as the country, there is NUKES laying there now aimed at you
United States
[1:35 PM]
randy 'candy-coated realness" cool @kimk
[1:35 PM]
gian off America
[1:35 PM]
marlen @kimk also depends on how one can 'read' certain people, some will be more open to a real-interaction type of thing, some others like the nice-coating in interactions, that's also something that depends from person to person and how one goes 'seeing' the person interact as well
[1:35 PM]
ingrids Yes fear of revenge
[1:36 PM]
mikemcd Does it matter Marlen?
[1:36 PM]
kimk Yes @marlen like testing the waters first
[1:36 PM]
gian I see posts on faceBook saying, If you get to know me we can be best friends, but fuck with me and I will become your worst enemy.
[1:36 PM]
viktorpersson lol
[1:36 PM]
marlen yeah @rebeccadalmas there's that dimension of how 'being nice' is used with people that are mostly new in our lives and it's then different with people we are closer/more intimate with
[1:37 PM]
rebeccadalmas Lol yes
[1:37 PM]
marlen @mikemcd it depends on the setting again, here looking at jobs/having to play certain roles - it's different from where you are standing 'as you' / as mike for example in any given situation, where you are not representing a brand/business or role in a company
[1:37 PM]
gian it is like we are NICE to hide this Demon that we use to intimidate people, this hidden self that can rip worlds apart, and so we walk around with a nice face and being nice, but let someone do something that isn't nice, and we have this weapon of mass destruction, a secret weapon hidden to surprise others,
[1:37 PM]
rebeccadalmas Then the secret pact because each has revealed their demons to one another !
[1:37 PM]
viktorpersson lol
[1:38 PM]
randy lol @rebeccadalmas
[1:38 PM]
gian yes, a revealing game of Face Off
[1:38 PM]
marlen @kimk yes testing the waters indeed
[1:38 PM]
mikemcd Yes Marlen.

It's wildly ridiculous.

The games...
[1:38 PM]
marlen yep and we can acknowledge them and sometimes - with time - we can get to be more real with people, but again testing the waters to see 'who's really behind the curtain' so to speak
[1:39 PM]
randy indeed @marlen
[1:39 PM]
mikemcd Like what level are you at....
What's your game theory
[1:39 PM]
kimk Yes- specifically at a job. Test the waters and do damage control... it is like a human jungle to figure out without compromising your career
[1:39 PM]
rebeccadalmas Lol Mike ! “ What’s your game theory !”
[1:39 PM]
marlen In my case I have more of a tendency for people to say things like 'hey that was too much to say/too insensitive' like 'lacking filters' so to speak at times with people, and that's apparently 'not cool' lol, so I learn the other way around as well
[1:40 PM]
mikemcd Lol
[1:40 PM]
kimk So true @gian , my god
[1:40 PM]
randy yes kimk. I know I used to have to play the nice guy game much more in my job than in my personal life.
[1:40 PM]
marlen or 'you're not supposed to ask that' lol, it's funny though, mostly people can laugh about it, but some others might get genuinely pissed, so I have to also be more considerate in that
[1:41 PM]
randy lol @marlen
[1:41 PM]
rebeccadalmas Kimk yes , it is the ultimate video game ! How to have fun , and be creative with this ( thereby making others. Nervous with your improving game theories ! ) lol
[1:41 PM]
michelle yes @kimk constant juggling and figuring out how to be and get through the work relationships without compromising
[1:41 PM]
mikemcd Playing nice guy all day. . Explains why people want to tune out after work
[1:42 PM]
randy good point @mikemcd
[1:42 PM]
marlen yep @mikemcd it would be much better if we could all get ourselves to the same page of 'let's get real' and in that be more of us regardless of 'the spot' we have to take on, I see this being opened up more and more in the collective though, slowly but surely where maybe the facades that are created based on positions/roles etc will slowly but surely be seen as deceptive, creating a lack of trustworthiness, that would be cool but might only be in time as we go
[1:43 PM]
kimk So, why are we so reactive when people aren't nice-guy to us?
[1:43 PM]
ingrids For me vice versa @randy interesting right - can also be related to make-female programming
[1:43 PM]
randy could be ingrids
[1:44 PM]
mikemcd Face Off...It's a 24/7 game. Might as well play with it. Point out faces
[1:44 PM]
michelle yes, and it can also be exhausting - using your physical energy resources to become the character all day @mikemcd
[1:44 PM]
rebeccadalmas And so cool to realize because as children it had nothing to do with us , as that polarity played out .
[1:44 PM]
marlen @ingrids can be with the idea of female as submissive, always 'saying yes to everything' and playing the nice-lady type of thing. I watched the movie Phantom Thread and it depicts these roles nicely, definitely recommend it!
[1:44 PM]
gian Interesting thing I have realize about myself and being ATTRACTED to women and liking them almost instantly and then going into imagination/fantasy and even starting act in the play of the player, the game of now wanting this girl, I have realized how I could deliberately support myself within NOT going there and bursting the illusions and get real quickly, by when I interact see or are in contact with a women I am attracted to, is to immediately NOT be nice to them, just be here and real, and amazingly, it turns out what comes out them is something disturbing and not the fantasy I had, and this grounded a lot for me in the beginning of my process to take this approach within dealing with certain possessive points.
[1:44 PM]
randy thanks for the recommendation @marlen
[1:45 PM]
marlen so that might be another point there @michelle how to at the moment knowing that one has to play the character and not be drained by it, what would that expression's starting point need to be changed to in order to become it, but know 'who you are' in it
[1:45 PM]
ingrids Yes @marlen
[1:45 PM]
marlen randy yeah definitely cool to see the male-female relationship there and relationships in general, quite an awesome movie
[1:45 PM]
duska.mag In one of the chains of stores in Slovenia, the employees became noticeably friendly and this seemed bice to me at first glance, but at the same time I was a little suspicious.
When I was mentioning that niceness to the cousin which is working in one of these stores, she only rolled her eyes and said - we were instructed that we should be, no matter how the costumers are behaving...
[1:45 PM]
ingrids Will look out for the movie
[1:45 PM]
kimk For me, I can see i get reactive because, if i am suppressing myself under this nice-girl facade, busy compromising myself all day, how DARE you not do the same for me!
Reactive to not-niceness that is
[1:46 PM]
rebeccadalmas I would think we react when people do not play nice because our niceness we worked on is not working, thereby revealing us to ourselves. The conflict of self realization and that our program did not work .
[1:46 PM]
mikemcd I've had mixed experiences with being rather straight up
[1:46 PM]
marlen @duska.mag yeah makes sense that it's like that in most places, part of enrolling the customer as affiliated with the brand, a 'come-backer' so to speak, lol
[1:46 PM]
michelle yes because I remember within female friendships I would become so drained/tired after spending time with them because of the amount of ‘fakeness’/going into the nice character the whole time with them, instead of being myself and being ok with that @marlen
[1:47 PM]
marlen @kimk ah interesting like 'I am doing this 'for you' so you SHOULD do that for me as well' type of thing, a conditional niceness expecting niceness back
@michelle yep indeed cool point to look at, that's also how to flagpoing I'm living the character out and it's draining me, so how to make it my expression within the understanding of having to play this part/role in my day to day as a decision, not as an imposition/have to
flagpoint*
[1:48 PM]
kimk Cool @rebeccadalmas, like we are now exposed, because the other is not playing the game with us
[1:48 PM]
ingrids Ah yes @kimk
[1:48 PM]
marlen @mikemcd yep one has to be careful 'who you do it with' or can 'burn bridges' if it's not with someone that can handle that, so again assessing situation, person, context, relationships, role
[1:48 PM]
mikemcd How much do you regard a person's preference when deciding to share or not share something you See?
Yes Marlen
[1:49 PM]
ingrids Trying to keep the control in that way until i cannot keep up myself 'with being' nice anymore lol
[1:49 PM]
mikemcd Has been a challenging point at times
[1:49 PM]
rebeccadalmas I found that a burden - it is a form of juggling and relying on what one has become comfortable with. Like , what I know that shows what I don’t know , is what I am comfortable with !
[1:49 PM]
marlen some might immediately be cool with it and even more open to one, or change their stance towards us entirely, but that comes after assessing/testing the waters with the person and deciding to no longer just 'play the initial niceness'
[1:49 PM]
gian Straight up I have find is when we are being honest, still not self-honest from my point @mikemcd - as the definition of straight up is still within the idea of being a certain way, a character, still wanting to achieve something. this I have seen with the parrot example where I wanted to be straight up, yet the character within that was actually a character of deliberately charging energies/reactions to now impose and idea of self onto who self is, this straight up person. The point within any "method" or manner is to purify the method or manner from any character design behind it, then we can simply actually express here in sef-honesty as all bias is out.
[1:49 PM]
carlton Interesting @mikemcd
[1:51 PM]
marlen @mikemcd I tend to first see how they express themselves about themselves, others and take it from there, that gives you an idea of how much they can be 'cool with' being more open to listening/hearing what one sees for real, so assessing a person so to speak through other ways, which will indicate how 'ready' they are for that realness - so not so much preference, but how they express themselves denotes the 'kind' of person they already are - if that makes sense
[1:51 PM]
mikemcd Thanks gian
Thanks Marlen
[1:52 PM]
randy I understand that challenge @mikemcd. in my last years at work, I tended to be more straight up - call it like I see it - and got reprimanded at one point for being negative....
[1:52 PM]
marlen yep cool consideration as well, defining what being 'straight up' is about, where it's not 'speaking up' from a point of oppression for example, or 'being honest' in the sense of exposing things as they are and 'not caring what others have to say about it' and that kind of fight/opposing grounds that become a character in itself.
[1:52 PM]
gian lol @randy
[1:52 PM]
rebeccadalmas Cool Gian , I notice energy charged ‘ color “ or judgement still lingers at times . I have to slow down and as I recently said to myself , and practice that creative ability to give as I would want - the means to see in ways that expand . As ,Tyranny is the deliberate removal of nuance .
[1:53 PM]
carlton Cool point to look at @mikemcd
[1:53 PM]
mikemcd Yes. The straight up point has mostly been a morality fuck up because of u derlying suppressions emotionally coming out
[1:53 PM]
marlen yeah that's another example there randy of 'where' one does it and so consequences according to that, like at work, in relation to coworkers/boss, one might have to still find nice ways to say things as they are lol
[1:53 PM]
kimk True @gian I have found when I have spoken up the goal has been to get my message through, and doing whatever it takes to do that, so, if it takes being nice, being patient, being serious etc... all has to be determined in the moment, like a skill that gets better with experience with all kinds of people, and after many mistakes, and really there is no formula and it is probably never perfect, but something that happens in moments in the interaction and/or through getting to know the person if possible.
[1:53 PM]
mikemcd "Underlying
[1:53 PM]
carlton Lol @randy
[1:54 PM]
marlen there you go @mikemcd cool point to 'straighten up' within self then, to work with the emotional suppression that want to 'spill out' in that way, and so first ground oneself with those
[1:54 PM]
mikemcd So obviously huge opportunity to learn...correct our shit that emerges...
Yes exactly
[1:55 PM]
gian Nothing is right or wrong, it is a matter of what is here, to become masters of what is here, we must remove energy as our resonant possessions, then we can actually use what is here in alignment within what is best for all life. this is the way I see, as this makes sense to me, as this isn't a point of seperation, we must stand equal and one and within principle, from that starting point we take directive and stand as the directive of all thats here, as long as we can be directed by any point, I say I must stop that point and play and first remove the energy, remove the character, then I can only use it, otherwise I am only the creator of ego (energy) and egos love war
[1:55 PM]
kimk cool @mikemcd!
[1:56 PM]
marlen so in a way realizing we still have to play the game, but not getting lost in it - making it a 'draining' point as discussed, but deciding to play the part while continuing to assess how one can get 'more real' in bits here and there with people over time, in certain contexts where this is possible, and seeing where we are avoiding conflict as a starting point to 'being nice'
[1:57 PM]
randy cool @gian and @marlen
[1:57 PM]
marlen yep indeed like anything, use what's here, standing equal to 'the game' while knowing that we are at the same time not getting 'directed' by it, understanding it while continuing to push the envelope a bit more each time hehe
[1:57 PM]
mikemcd Director of the play
[1:57 PM]
marlen yes exactly
[1:57 PM]
mikemcd It's a working expression
[1:57 PM]
randy being In it but not Of it
[1:57 PM]
marlen yeah because then it involves responsibility - understanding - rather than just copy-catting or fearing
yep @randy exactly
[1:58 PM]
kimk Exactomundo @randy!
[1:58 PM]
rebeccadalmas Master : my star !
[1:59 PM]
gian Ok everyone - Time is coming to en end for tonight chat. Thank you for all the awesome perspectives and self-honesty points to apply and live. Thank you for also taking the topic on without question lol. Till our next chat, take care and keep breathing, applying, self-forgiving and walking. I am not being nice now fyi, or serious,
[1:59 PM]
randy cool chat guys. Thanks for bringing this topic @gian. many cool points shared.
[2:00 PM]
marlen yep thanks @gian and everyone for sharing, see you!
[2:00 PM]
carlton Thanks all bye
[2:00 PM]
mikemcd Take care everyone - cheeeeers!
[2:00 PM]
ingrids Thanks all
[2:00 PM]
gian Cheers
[2:00 PM]
randy Thanks All. Bye!
[2:00 PM]
kimk Bye erbody!
[2:00 PM]
rebeccadalmas Awesome ! Thank you all !
[2:01 PM]
valentin.rozman Thanks all and bye :slightly_smiling_face:



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