The partner doesn't want you enjoy yourself without her/him

Share and ask your moments and experiences in random, unpredictable, sudden moments that happened to you - you'd like to understand. Whether it be during a discussion with someone and not understanding why certain thoughts / behaviours came up in you or another. Not understanding another's facial expression or even your own when looking in the mirror etc. So, this thread is dedicated to the everyday life moments we WONDER about but never ask.
User avatar
mar
Posts: 311
Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

The partner doesn't want you enjoy yourself without her/him

Post by mar »

Hi everybody, my relationship is deeply in crysis.

My partner seems not accepting that i go out and enjoy myself alone/with my friends/my family ecc...
She doesn't seem to accept that i can leave her alone. Doesn't accept that i can have fun/enjoy myself without her.
She thinks that if i have an opportunity to have a little travel but she cannot go with me, i must refuse to stay with her, probably because i should feel some sort of guiltiness for enjoying myself without her and she (i think) some sort of envy/resentment because she feels alone and abandoned.
I also think that to explain to herself my "needing" of going out alone, she thinks that i have an affair/i'm betraying her with a friend (that she knows quite well...).... almost saying "....how can he let me here and go out alone ? why he doesn't want me ? He should have an affair ! It's the only explanation !" (maybe she stereotypized herself too much as "woman" as only and biggest male desire)

She always says words like "don't you think about me ?/ You have always time to go out with your friends but never with me ! (while the day before we went out for dinner)/ if you are away i have always to think when you come back to organize my day !"
Just today she told me while we were quarreling "...and that time you went to swiss to see your father and you left me alone here ? Should i feel what ? Happy because you had this opportunity ?" i answered her "You know you couldn't went with me, so yes, you have to !"

I know that something is wrong by my side too and i will soon write about it in my section in the forum "Marco's writing", but since i'm preatty sure she is not "ok" with herself, can anybody give me some perspectives ?

I mean, this is a quite common pattern, i've already spoken with her about the same concepts that i'm telling you, but she doesn't want to admit anything.... is there anything else about this pattern ? Can you help me to help her ? I'm realising that this relationship is not working till we both don't take responsibility on the matter.

User avatar
barbara
Posts: 622
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 21:52

Re: The partner doesn't want you enjoy yourself without her/

Post by barbara »

Hey Mar,

First I would suggest that you get yourself into a position of stability by supporting yourself by writing about this in the ‘Marco’s writing’ section, as you are planning on doing anyway, because you won’t be of so much support to her as long as you haven’t taken responsibility for your side of the equation. This will help you see the bigger picture of what relationship you are allowing and accepting within yourself toward yourself as/within the partnership. To this end the partner is a perfect mirror of and for yourself. I have had the chance to see this for myself very frequently, which was quite stunning, as I would never have conceived of the underlying currents of polarities that I had secretly participated in and as, which I could have sworn was only a feature present in my partner!

I would structure the writing as has been done and shown by many here and specifically in Sunette’s Journey to Life Blogs starting at http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.co ... n-day.html where one looks at the situation on the following levels: The Fear Dimension, Thought, Imagination, Back Chat, Reaction, Behaviour, Consequence and Point of Change. So suggested to check these writings out first as to how to organize yourself within this. This will allow you to see, realize and understand yourself a lot better as to how you’ve created yourself as the relationship with your partner and what the background is pertaining to the points you have mentioned here.

Realize that it is not possible to solve a problem by getting the other to see something or get them to stop being and behaving the way they are. However, you can support yourself to see why you are reacting to specific words and statements and in that way create a more stable platform from which you are able to direct yourself in a way that allows for more clarity and a starting point of oneness and equality without harbouring a possible tendency of manipulating another or taking on a stance of superiority or righteousness and blame which would otherwise be likely when communicating with the starting point of ‘you must see/admit/change’.

So, suggested to take responsibility for who you are at this point of the relationship and then take it from there.
Maybe someone else would like to place his/her perspective – I would definitely not put self-writing off here, and get out of a state of crisis as reaction and blame to see what you’re up against within yourself first.

If you have any questions considering the structure mentioned above, go ahead and place here or on your self-writing thread.

Marlen
Posts: 4362
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:16
Contact:

Re: The partner doesn't want you enjoy yourself without her/

Post by Marlen »

Hi Mar

Very cool support by Barbara here and I agree that you have to look within you because this point is certainly not about her, but about the perception that you have toward her that is causing reactions within you. In our minds we believe that we can sort another out without first taking responsibility for the reactions and experiences that we are having upon another's experience, and that certainly creates the point of separation when we try and see 'what's up with another' when in fact everything that was written about 'her' is in fact coming from you-yourself.

So, the cool point about this whole process is that even when we believe 'it is another's point' or 'it's another's fault' we always have to apply the irrevocable rule of 'Taking the point back to self' and then as you walk your own points and reactions, you will be able to then as you apply and live the corrections that you will establish for yourself in common sense, see the relationship, understand it and develop proper communication that can be of support toward another - but that can only be established once that we first focus on ourselves.

That's how here at Desteni we speak about relationship-agreements wherein all points are taken back to Self first to understand then the starting point of our relationships and virtually anything that we go through within a relationship is walked through a detailed process wherein your own application within this process becomes also a foundation for you to develop effective relationships, not only with your partner but any other individual in your reality. So, I suggest also considering the Relationship-Agreements Course as part of the Desteni I Process courses.

Applying the structure Barbara has mentioned is a good starting point to begin exploring this aspect of yourself within walking in a relationship.

User avatar
Cathy
Posts: 1153
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 07:36
Contact:

Re: The partner doesn't want you enjoy yourself without her/

Post by Cathy »

Thanks for sharing here Marco and cool that you're aware of the importance of writing so yes great point is this one in which to begin with just such writing!

And, Thank you Barbara and Marlen! Excellent support!

User avatar
Carrie
Posts: 694
Joined: 04 Jul 2011, 09:23
Location: Bucksport, Maine USA

Re: The partner doesn't want you enjoy yourself without her/

Post by Carrie »

Hey Mar.

For many years I did not hear my partner when he asked for me to spend more time with him. I saw that time with him was boring and that time with my friends was much more fun and rewarding. I believed that in order for our relationship to be 'okay' that I had to have my 'me' time. With some direction from others here, I tested out what would happen when I did things with him instead of going out with my friends or doing many other things that left him on his own.

In the beginning, it was not easy. I saw it as 'giving up' my time for him and I did not enjoy our time together very much because our relationship was in an uncool state of conflict. However, within a couple of months, our relationship was much more stable and now it is simply easier and enjoyable.

I realized that hearing my partner and giving him what he wants in no way takes away from myself. In-fact, it's supportive for me to be here and present with him because I'm being more self-honest. I'm no longer trying to run away all the time or dash off to my friends when I'm experiencing discomfort in my relationship. For the first time ever, I'm in an actual partnership where we're establishing understanding, respect, and real caring for each other!

So, I would suggest here to hear your partner and give your partner what they are asking for - you.

User avatar
Leila
Posts: 2092
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 21:45
Location: Panama
Contact:

Re: The partner doesn't want you enjoy yourself without her/

Post by Leila »

Cool support Barbara and Marlen -- and cool to reading your feedback on how you walked this point (or similar) Carrie

User avatar
Anna
Posts: 3726
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:17
Location: Uppsala, Sweden
Contact:

Re: The partner doesn't want you enjoy yourself without her/

Post by Anna »

Awesome support here ladies.

Thanks for sharing.

User avatar
Juan Pablo
Posts: 405
Joined: 14 Jun 2012, 21:54

Re: The partner doesn't want you enjoy yourself without her/

Post by Juan Pablo »

Cool support - thanks!

User avatar
Kim S
Posts: 286
Joined: 06 Jul 2011, 10:18
Location: United Kingdom

Re: The partner doesn't want you enjoy yourself without her/

Post by Kim S »

Very cool support here - I cannot add anything to this thanks for sharing..

User avatar
mar
Posts: 311
Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: The partner doesn't want you enjoy yourself without her/

Post by mar »

barbara wrote:To this end the partner is a perfect mirror of and for yourself. I have had the chance to see this for myself very frequently, which was quite stunning, as I would never have conceived of the underlying currents of polarities that I had secretly participated in and as, which I could have sworn was only a feature present in my partner!
Yes, there is a polarity in here that's for sure, i will expand the concept in Marco's writing.
Carrie wrote:For many years I did not hear my partner when he asked for me to spend more time with him. I saw that time with him was boring and that time with my friends was much more fun and rewarding. I believed that in order for our relationship to be 'okay' that I had to have my 'me' time.
Yes, when we were arguing i even told her straight.... I've used the reason of my behaviour as the justification of it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have used the reason of my behaviour as the justification to it, without understanding and realizing that the fact that i feel bored in staying with her is the result of our incommunicability dued partly to me and what i've allowed and accepted in/with/as me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having tried to manipulate my wife trying to instill in her guiltyness/ inadequacy to stay with me and inadequacy to call upon the "right" to stay with me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that i/she have the "right" to stay with her/she as the right to "impose my presence" to her and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself consider she as a PROPERTY instead of another equal and one to me and without realizing that this CONSIDERATION of PROPERTY that i have towards her (and probably both of us has) is what leads to these arguings as a perverse game where both consider each other PROPERTIES and both tries to find escamotages/ploys to escape itself by this unwritten but accepted perception of self.


When and as I see that I go into trying to justify myself/my behaviour using a feeling/emotion as for instance "boring" – I immediately stop myself, take a breath and bring myself back here; and I see, realize and understand that the very fact that this is an emotion/feeling is the proof that it's not me that is choosing what to do at the moment; thus I commit myself to stop, breath and reinvestigatewhat is the "source" of this feeling/emotion and re-evaluate the decision.

When and as I see that I go into trying to instill a feeling/emotion in my wife as anybody – I immediately stop myself, take a breath and bring myself back here; and I see, realize and understand that this is the confirm/proof of a manipulation's attempt; thus I commit myself to stop, breath and sking myself why do i feel the needing to manipulate somebody on that precise topic/moment.

When and as I see that I go into claiming rights or expectances from her and we go arguing – I immediately stop myself, take a breath and bring myself back here; and I see, realize and understand that all our arguings is the result of the game of our expectings-"escaping our mirrored expectings" from the partner; thus I commit myself to stop my expectations towards her.


Please Carrie do you have the possibility to share your path in walking this point ? Do you have some sf ?

Post Reply

Return to “Questions and Perspectives about Everyday Life Moments”