The partner doesn't want you enjoy yourself without her/him

Share and ask your moments and experiences in random, unpredictable, sudden moments that happened to you - you'd like to understand. Whether it be during a discussion with someone and not understanding why certain thoughts / behaviours came up in you or another. Not understanding another's facial expression or even your own when looking in the mirror etc. So, this thread is dedicated to the everyday life moments we WONDER about but never ask.
User avatar
Anna
Posts: 3726
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:17
Location: Uppsala, Sweden
Contact:

Re: The partner doesn't want you enjoy yourself without her/

Post by Anna »

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have used the reason of my behaviour as the justification to it, without understanding and realizing that the fact that i feel bored in staying with her is the result of our incommunicability dued partly to me and what i've allowed and accepted in/with/as me.
What I've found with blame is that the only way to release it is to bring the point all the way back to oneself. If there's still an element of "but it's also her fault" or "she did it to me as well" there's still a point of blame - which is actually a point of not wanting to take self-responsibility. Now - I'm not saying here that your partner does not share a responsibility in the lack of communication between you - because obviously it takes two to tango or not tango. However for the purposes of getting self-honest and get to self-responsibility, I've found that it is about me bringing the point absolutely back to myself, before I can even begin saying something about what another does or doesn't do. So I would suggest to watch out for such points - because it can be very subtle - and make sure that you stand clear, directive and without reaction before you engage in looking at or speaking about what she does or doesn't do. So whenever there's a point of conflict between myself and my partner, I firstly bring it back to myself without even mentioning him or his responsibility in the equation, because it's not relevant to me taking responsibility for myself. So we're never merely 'partly' responsible for ourselves and what we accept and allow for example in our relationships. It's about absolute self-responsibility because otherwise there's still a 'part' that one wants to blame onto one's partner which means that there's a 'part' of oneself that one is still not willing to take responsibility for/as. So when we haven't yet established a point of self-honesty and self-responsibility in relation to another, we also can't see them or what they're doing because we're viewing them through blame and projection - which is basically a mirror of ourselves as has been mentioned previously.

User avatar
Kristina
Posts: 1771
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 21:18
Contact:

Re: The partner doesn't want you enjoy yourself without her/

Post by Kristina »

Really cool points and support here - thanks all for sharing!

User avatar
mar
Posts: 311
Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: The partner doesn't want you enjoy yourself without her/

Post by mar »

Anna wrote:What I've found with blame is that the only way to release it is to bring the point all the way back to oneself. If there's still an element of "but it's also her fault" or "she did it to me as well" there's still a point of blame - which is actually a point of not wanting to take self-responsibility. Now - I'm not saying here that your partner does not share a responsibility in the lack of communication between you - because obviously it takes two to tango or not tango.
Yes i'm aware of it... but i think that the point is a bit different.

Going straight to it: i think that i cannot write "I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have used the reason of my behaviour as the justification to it, without understanding and realizing that the fact that i feel bored in staying with her is the result of our incommunicability dued TO ME " because if i know that it's also her fault, i perceive that the sentence is INVALID.

Like if i put extreeme importance to the format of the sentence, and if i leave also a little point of incorrectness, it can be used by the mind as a form of escape.... like a "legal technicality" that the mind can use against me.

I'm not yet aware of what this could mean but till now i realized that i give a lot of importance to it.

Fidelisspies
Posts: 284
Joined: 16 Jun 2011, 11:10

Re: The partner doesn't want you enjoy yourself without her/

Post by Fidelisspies »

because if i know that it's also her fault, i perceive that the sentence is INVALID.
I suggest to Read again what Anna wrote. It does not matter that it is her fault. This is about YOU and YOUR reactions, it is about self-responsibility. Males are silly beings, we always allow our EGO to get the best of us. It is like we cannot let go of a point where our EGO is in jeopardy so we defend ourselves thus compromising everything in our lives – just to be “Right” – saying “it’s not just me, it’s you as well” and “ I will not take self-responsibility until you do”. Its EGO. People will utterly destroy relationships just to defend their EGO. This is why it is so difficult to change – we refuse to let go. That is why taking self-responsibility for this point may seem INVALID .

Blame gets everybody Nowhere. Look at what your role is within this point. Take full responsibility and realize that it really doesn’t matter whose fault it is – what matters is that you can do something about it. YOU can change and LET GO. Lead by example.

It comes down to what is more important – EGO or your relationship?

User avatar
mar
Posts: 311
Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: The partner doesn't want you enjoy yourself without her/

Post by mar »

So it's my ego when i always find an antithesis to what requires a change ...
Fidelisspies wrote:it really doesn’t matter whose fault it is – what matters is that you can do something about it.
Marvellous.... i wonder why i've always thought about it, but not this time....

User avatar
Garbrielle
Posts: 1401
Joined: 15 Jun 2011, 03:29

Re: The partner doesn't want you enjoy yourself without her/

Post by Garbrielle »

very cool support here guys, thanks for sharing

User avatar
mar
Posts: 311
Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: The partner doesn't want you enjoy yourself without her/

Post by mar »

Formality is what i use to divert the attention from what really interests me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for using the idea of a correct form to divert my attention from what really interests me.

When and as I see that I go into thinking about how to express me in the most correct form I stop myself, take a breath, and I bring myself back here; and I see, realize and understand that this is just the attempt of my ego/mind to resist and slow down what I've just realized to resist and slow down the change that will derive; thus i commit myself to not paying attention to it and go as straight as i can

User avatar
Kristina
Posts: 1771
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 21:18
Contact:

Re: The partner doesn't want you enjoy yourself without her/

Post by Kristina »

mar wrote:When and as I see that I go into thinking about how to express me in the most correct form I stop myself,
This is a cool point/realization Mar as within this is self honesty - taking a look within ourselves at the moment we want to or see we can express something and in this moment we are able to see our 'starting point' or where we are coming from in terms of the 'driving force' or the reason we are expressing - and obviously if we are doing it in order to achieve something or to attain something or present something, such as 'being correct' then we are not actually expressing or sharing unconditionally, instead we are conditionally placing expectations on 'how' to express something and what results we will get from it. So would suggest some further investigation into the desire to 'express in the most correct form' in terms of how you have used it to define yourself, what you think you will gain from it, what value it adds to you/self definition instead of expressing unconditionally as who we are in the moment of/as self honesty. What is the 'using the correct form' a point you are distracting yourself from - what are you not allowing yourself to see/realize/uncover in this distraction of 'the correct form'.

Cool share

User avatar
mar
Posts: 311
Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: The partner doesn't want you enjoy yourself without her/

Post by mar »

Ok i'll continue in my section Marco's writing

User avatar
Ann
Posts: 465
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 06:37
Location: Belgium
Contact:

Re: The partner doesn't want you enjoy yourself without her/

Post by Ann »

Really cool support here from everyone!

Post Reply

Return to “Questions and Perspectives about Everyday Life Moments”