I have the problem of "no borders"...

Share and ask your moments and experiences in random, unpredictable, sudden moments that happened to you - you'd like to understand. Whether it be during a discussion with someone and not understanding why certain thoughts / behaviours came up in you or another. Not understanding another's facial expression or even your own when looking in the mirror etc. So, this thread is dedicated to the everyday life moments we WONDER about but never ask.
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avastus
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Joined: 17 Feb 2015, 15:42

I have the problem of "no borders"...

Post by avastus »

I have slowly grown into a person who, when seen or heard by others, half of me loses touch with reality (while not really losing touch with reality). Or I let triggers influence me without sufficient filtering.

The examples:
I watch TV with my friend. I follow what's going on on the telly screen. I am aware of the certain "fact", the detail of the story. I am well aware about what can be derived from the narrative in the reality show. I am aware what could probably happen next, everyone can guess and then, BOOM, it happens. xD But before that, also something confusing happens inside of me.

To explain further I'll give you an example of that: Teacher abused student in the reality show. There was a courtroom session. Student won. Then the director of the school goes all bla-bla-bla and says that the student is obviously still welcome to the school if she wants to learn there. But there was this moment when it was obvious that the next thought is about the abuser who of course would not be in that case the form master of this abused student anymore. I knew it. I really don't remember the 100% detailed sequence of the sentences but believe me, it was more than obvious.

But then I think: "Oh my, what if my friend thinks that I don't understand and grasp that detail? What if she thinks that I don't understand." And my subconscious goes like "Oh, she will probably not believe that I understand. I must command myself to play like I didn't." And then my facial expression changes to the feelings of confusion and not understanding and being ashamed. I know cause I associate this kind of e-motion in the face usually with confusion and misunderstanding etc.

And there were at least two or three examples like that when I watched TV with my friend. (Keep in mind, if I am really alone, I don't get "semi-confused" like in the example above. Of course that explains a lot of things: I care too much of what others think.)

Another example: When I see a commercial in the television then I "have to" hold my breath to not appear like I am really interested and elated by the commercial. Even if it is by the political party I hate! I just go along with the visuals and music and again, lose borders, lose touch to reality. I feel like I am multiplied by two in thse moments - one part of me wants to feel the more deeply authentic reaction, one part of me wants to feel something else and make-believe.

When I hear somebody in the telly talking in the authoritarian earth voice and they have argument with another in the narrative and I know that I don't support this party of the conflict, especially when there are others around me, part of my observable emotional body automatically "takes the side of the authoritarian voice and "believes" the speaker". Even if my logical part thinks that damn he must be wrong...

(BTW I usually don't watch telly, but this is just a recent example.. Most of the channels of our country our usually not very compatible with my taste and I realize that television is not always, but can be brainwashing.)

Then, one of these really bad things is that sometimes when I listen to music, I usually can't control myself and separate myself from the beat. I get emotions! I get really strong emotions. And I can't keep calm. I have severe social anxiety and to avoid hearing the backbiting on the streets, I listen to my mp3-player. And I am like a slave to the rhythm. I can't really well walk or feel emotions in my own rhythm. And obviously, it is hard to breathe in my own rhythm. More than half of me is immersed in the song.

Then again, there are times when I am in the bus along with my social anxiety and for some reason I don't have mp3-player with me. And amongst these times there are times when I don't find nothing to "entertain" me or focus on. My mind is almost empty and I don't know where to look. I feel like my eye movements are completely artificial and odd. And I have to think about it where to move my eyes from moment to moment. And I feel in the superficial realm completely confused and deviated. But it doesn't take long before others notice it. And then my mind gets filled with these rude remarks. So it adds more anxiety. Haha. :P More anxiety are added into the ingredients to make a really unhealthy dish. Served by myself.

Word meaning - sometimes rigid, in my own world:
I have collected my kind of metaphorical language and occasionally, with some words, part of me don't acknowledge that words have several meanings. And sometimes when I hear a catch phrase, I get this automatic reaction of elation too. Derived from the songs I listen. The songs are not absolutely bad, but what is wrong, is the negative side effects I develop when processing them in my head...

For example when I read some text and there is this catch phrase, this MAY sometimes initiate a mildly strong emotional reaction, depending on the context.

PRIDE AND SHAME DEPENDING ON ENEMIES ONCE THEY ARE PHYSICALLY PRESENT.
When I am with others at all, sometimes I don't sense the borders between healthy self-pride and pride derived from the fact that others are watching.

For example, I am in my friend's apartment, then I feel sometimes anxious, but usually I feel mostly safe and secure. When I am about to leave, my friend keeps hanging at the exit door of the apartment - she is inside of her apartment, I am in front of her apartment. We are talking before I go. But the bold fact is that I am in the hallway. And the neighbors of her apartment feel closer. So I am very paranoid that they could hear me or see me. And my sense of pride and shame is multiplied by 100.

FEELING AT THE MERCY OF OTHERS, BEING A TOTAL SLAVE AND FEELING GRATEFUL THAT : "Oh they hurt me but thank God they don't hurt me even worse." And even worse, feeling that feeling grateful is a great, brave and beautiful thing...

AFRAID OF OTHER'S MISINTERPRETATION OF MY BEING AND THOUGHTS, AND THUS MAKE-BELIEVING ACCORDING TO THEIR POSSIBLE MISINTERPRETATION AND STARTING TO GO WITH THE MISINTERPRETATION (Not too far though, in the level of superficial feelings-game.)

For example there are some people who were in the physical presence to me while I was singing along with a song which talks, for me, about asserting oneself according to the right code of ethics, but can also be translated as a love song. As they are women, and this song also talks about "she" what I interpret as "right worldview" (because of the female part of the brain), it obviously could get misinterpreted as the obvious interpretation of the song is not the same. But I really don't make an effort to interpret songs in a "cool way".. That's just how I am

And then at first, I feel scared, then I feel anxious and then I feel that due to thinking about what these girls might think and focusing on them AND because of my tendency to go along with other's possible misinterpretation, the superficial make-believe act part of me believes I am singing this song to them as a love song. But it is not the actual true intention behind it. The intention is to sing a song about "marking my territory" with having right emotions and thoughtfulness. With having right feeling about how to relate to the world. Perhaps about my connection to the universal and personal aspect of God.

SOME MINUTES I AM LOOKING FOR EXTERNAL COMPASSION
Sometimes, even when I walk on the street and I am feeling anxious, I look at the by-passer after having several bad encounters and... Let's say somebody just passed me by and foolmouthed me. Then the next person may be the one who gets that look that says: "Please show me you care. I am so sad and unsettled." That's so bad. I don't do it controlling the situation, of course. It is unconscious I believe, based on what I have listened to in the Desteni tapes but I started the day before yesterday.

However, the thought of consciously begging for compassion is repugnant to me. So, I can understand that people can be contemptible. For the extra reason that I am contemptible in these situations towards myself. But I don't justify intolerance. It is interesting. Because I am hating myself and don't want to hate others who don't hate me.

hating myself
trying to love the people who are tolerant
hating people who project their self-hate towards others

That says many things to me. Perhaps I should give more love to people who are hating themselves. But it gets twisted. Because my borders are not healthy. And there is a difference between the love I can give to them and for example the love that I should give my mother. Of course I theoretically know that it all comes down to self-love..

---

In this year people have constantly fool mouthed about me. But one thing what has happened last days is that I am starting to become aware of what I really think about this.
The thoughts go like this: "Don't torture me!"
"I am ashamed and dumb. But you [the torturer] are ugly (from the heart)."
I try to catch more on the go. These were the recent thoughts.

Breathing calmly is really difficult for me. I feel like many of the breathing exercises are for me very hard to do and many times the feeling is worse after them. By that I mean these kind of exercises like the STOP and JUST breathe in and out slowly ones. The anxiety just takes over. Either that or something goes wrong with the technique. It is hard for me to feel my body.

Because of people constantly fool mouth me, sometimes I constantly listen with tense ears if there are people backbiting me. I don't even know why. The fear is so big and the focus is so wrong. Perhaps it all started because I wanted to know if I hear correctly. More than that I think it is because of my desire to control myself: I want to prove myself that I can stay calm after the external insult.

Terrible moments happen. I was thinking suicidal thoughts and expressing them and then the bullies laughed about it.

I have one question. When I am getting these past memories and they are similar to some certain situation should I still bring them up if at the first place there is not so much emotion related to it. Maybe bringing up the past will do more harm than good? How to process the past correctly?

---
More problems:
The state where I desire others to believe me and if they don't believe me, then freaking out
Living in a physical place where it is almost like this: whatever I do there will be that EXTERNAL voice saying that I did something wrong and I am the worst... It can really have too much influence due to my thought patterns. I notice that I like to start all my sentences with "I" and in many of my sentences "am" is the second word. Perhaps I take everything personally?

-----

The thought that I am slave of the slaves. The shame, the thought of being sick, the thought of being disgusting, the thought of being dumb, the thought of others not believing me, anger, hate, ability to not control thoughts, not being conscious of thoughts, losing touch with myself.

Why do I feel like slave sometimes: because if somebody tries to verbally humiliate me, I almost always get into the state of shame and panic.

The thing is also that occasionally when I feel like a slave the thought pops to my mind that I must be obedient. Not directly, but as a catch phrase like: "Bow down to your god." or something like that. Also there is a lot of judgment in me as I notice and even if the voice of them sounds so dumb and desperate at the times, I still let it have an influence over me, perhaps because of my severe anxiety has already made it an occasional rule.

There is also the following scenario:
1) I feel healthy.
2) The voice says: "He is crying."
3) And after that voice I start to feel a really mild physical reaction that resembles crying.

Thank you for reading!



Marlen
Posts: 4355
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:16
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Re: I have the problem of "no borders"...

Post by Marlen »

Hello and welcome to the forum!

What you are describing here is part of the mind's activity and as such many people experience this and, the suggested way to walk through these points - because there are several here - is through walking the DIP Lite course where you will be able to day by day go seeing what goes on in your day and what you experience in your mind, as well as learning the tools of self support to be able to ground yourself more in physical reality and be able to stop all unnecessary thinking in your head, and only use thinking as a way to direct yourself to continue focusing on physical reality stuff/responsibilities or communication with others without having the alternate reality in your mind at the same time.

This process takes consistency every day, it becomes part of your new way of approaching your day to day experiences, and it is definitely worthwhile as many can agree on here.

So in order to 'get through the memories' there is a process of first identifying the emotions or feelings attached to them and so being able to self-forgive the experience and focus on physical reality, because the confusion you have in relation to 'having no borders' is the activity going on in your mind that you mix with physical reality, which is no different to how most of the people operate in terms of creating experiences in one's mind based on physical reality facts.

It takes then time to slow down and breathing is a point of assistance, but without understanding the pattern and disclosing it in self forgiveness while at the same time writing out a correction, you might not fully get to a point of stability, because breathing is not only to 'stop the thought' or experience, but a point of stability that you realize you can access every single time as your physical body; however, if such pattern is not understood through writing and taken responsibility for, then it won't really 'go away'


Therefore because you shared quite a lot of points here to go through it all at once, I rather suggest you sign up for the Free course here: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

Also because you're quite new to Desteni, you can share more about yourself here as well as letting us know if you'd like to user your real name or not as username in the forum.

Thanks for sharing and opening up your experience here

Welcome



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avastus
Posts: 2
Joined: 17 Feb 2015, 15:42

Post by avastus »

Thank you for your guidance and explanation.

Though, I don't think that I would like to use my real name here, at least initially, because the details I share here - I'd rather feel more comfortable to keep them anonymous. I don't feel as open about it right now to feel that there shouldn't be that border.

But I joined the Desteni I Process and I feel I have already benefited from it, the course looks nice so I'll keep going.



Maya
Posts: 1267
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 21:56

Re: I have the problem of "no borders"...

Post by Maya »

Welcome avastus

Awesome that you decided to take responsibility in investigating that which you are experiencing.
Enjoy DIP Lite and you are more than welcome to continue sharing here and support yourself with writing.

Maya



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Leila
Posts: 2090
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 21:45
Location: South Africa
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Re: I have the problem of "no borders"...

Post by Leila »

Hey Avastus and welcome to the forum!

I agree with Marlen on the DIP Lite course -- to get acquainted with tools and methods to work through the maze of the mind, so definitely keep up with the course.
Though of course if you like, you are more than welcome to take each point you opened up in your posts and work through each point here where we can also assist and support you.

Enjoy your process!



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