Connecting with people

Share and ask your moments and experiences in random, unpredictable, sudden moments that happened to you - you'd like to understand. Whether it be during a discussion with someone and not understanding why certain thoughts / behaviours came up in you or another. Not understanding another's facial expression or even your own when looking in the mirror etc. So, this thread is dedicated to the everyday life moments we WONDER about but never ask.
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YoganBarrientos
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Connecting with people

Postby YoganBarrientos » 22 Nov 2015, 22:00

Hey guys, so I need some specific support.
So what are some tips for establishing intimacy or connection with other people. Here the context is where I haven't done this naturally easily and it does take deliberate decision and pushing past the resistance or uncomfortability. I am cool in terms of dealing with the emotions etc... What I need specific support with is living the correction/expression, as something that is not TOO much, or too little. So I received a tip where to look in the person's eyes when you are talking to them. So do you have any such or similar pointers, that are aligned to what I can physically do. I already tested the looking in the eyes, and it was effective. So do you have any other pointers from your practical life experience?



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Anna
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Re: Connecting with people

Postby Anna » 22 Nov 2015, 22:09

Hey guys, so I need some specific support.
So what are some tips for establishing intimacy or connection with other people. Here the context is where I haven't done this naturally easily and it does take deliberate decision and pushing past the resistance or uncomfortability. I am cool in terms of dealing with the emotions etc... What I need specific support with is living the correction/expression, as something that is not TOO much, or too little. So I received a tip where to look in the person's eyes when you are talking to them. So do you have any such or similar pointers, that are aligned to what I can physically do. I already tested the looking in the eyes, and it was effective. So do you have any other pointers from your practical life experience?
Something you can also look at, in addition to looking for example for 'body language that signifies connection', is to have a look at whether there is something in the feedback that you've received from others that says something about who you are/who you have accepted yourself to be. Meaning: "am I actually HERE, connecting/connected or am I 'pulled back'?". I've found that connecting with people is a matter of coming out of yourself and sort of 'meet' them, almost like you're pushing your being/expression out, which you can do for example through your eyes and your body in general. So I wouldn't say that it is so much about looking people in the eyes, because you can do that without being connected, like almost glazing over them with your eyes, but without really seeing them and letting them see you. So that's what I'd have a look at, and you can also have a look at whether you tend to be very 'internal' like being mostly focused on your inner self/experience and here practice the point of pushing yourself out as I mentioned before. This you can also do with voice tonality - practice placing more depth and expression into your voice, to let others see and hear you more.



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KimKline
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Re: Connecting with people

Postby KimKline » 22 Nov 2015, 22:33

I spent some time developing intimacy with Caesar here on the farm. I'm going to focus on the physical process, but keep in mind that you do have to also give attention to the resistances you are facing - like do not anticipate how you are going to feel or what reactions might come up. Really take the leap into the unknown with no expectations. Physically - You can take the lead in giving the person a way to relate to you. You can offer a way to connect by 'reaching out' into their world. With Caesar, I would get involved with whatever his attention was on, placing my attention on it as well, so that it was less intense because we weren't just staring at each other, which can be pretty intense when there is no intimacy established. We could relax a little in each other's presence, our focus was on the same thing, and we were developing a connection through play. So how does this translate into the adult world? Is the person holding something, or busy with something that you can ask about or help with or place focus on? If not, is there something close by the is relevant that you can focus your attention on for a moment and discuss or do? Do you have something interesting to show? Do you need help with something where you can work together for a moment before focusing on each other? I've also heard that subtly mimicking the persons movements or body language can put them more at ease, and it actually happens naturally a lot of the time, when there is a connection, so you would just be speeding up that natural process. You can slowly progress into relaxing your body, keeping in mind if you have any rigidness anywhere and release it, put yourself and ease, settle into your body and create a comfort within yourself (fake it till you make it if this is difficult). Read the other person to see where they are at, you don't want to be too forward, making them back off, or too reserved, making them feel you are holding back/defensive. And SMILE!

These are a few tips to get started, but like everything, it's a process!



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Mike McDonald
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Re: Connecting with people

Postby Mike McDonald » 22 Nov 2015, 22:35

Using a person's name is a support point in growing/fostering the development of a connection. It's fascinating Yogan how effective this can be. Obviously dont go overboard with it...but definitely use their names.

Compliments are complimenting...give good ones and explain why.

Use similar vocabulary and humor.

Take interedt in their primary interests, ask them questions about their interests...people like to talk about what they like.

Talk abou the weather. Lol. Its a great ice breaker.

Share your hobbies/passion

good ice breaker / opening up point with kis especially is asking them if they can make an array of different fun/silly sounds. Monkey see, mokey do....you do it, they do it...you gotta really own this point or they are more likely not to get into it.

Learn jokes thay are age appropriate...
Why did the cows cross the road?
A. Because they wanted to go to the mooooooooovies!
A. Because they wanted to get a moooooooove on!

That joke above is kind of open ended...

How do cows sing, We wish you a merry christmas?
Moo Moo Moo......etc etc...the way you you would hum the song, we wish you a merry christmas.

You can use this same tactic for a number of coomon songs. Like for instance, Happy Birthday.

Trust yourself when making things up with kids....kids are very susceptible to bullshit...meaning their bs radar is very strong...so reallly own whatever it is you do...and keep moving and or adjusting whatever it your doing/sharing with them.

Really listen to what they share with you, find ways to relate to the info they share. Questions are cool...common things like....favorite food, color, sport, game, activity, season, subject, animal....within this...share your relations within it...

Have fun!



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Mike McDonald
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Re: Connecting with people

Postby Mike McDonald » 22 Nov 2015, 22:40

Note the typo with regards to the ice breaker point....i meants to say kids.

Do not open with a kiss!

That will not bode well!

Lolololol
Obviosly...lol



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KimKline
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Re: Connecting with people

Postby KimKline » 22 Nov 2015, 22:52

To add: open gestures, not too exaggerated, are effective at communicating that you are open to them/nothing to hide/at ease. Open hands, open arms, arms comfortably at your sides and not crossed on in your pockets. Good posture, relaxed shoulders, standing comfortably, not leaning or fidgety - fully present in your body, listening completely. Having your movement be related to what you are saying, and not nervous movements like rubbing yourself or playing with your fingers/clothing.



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KellyPosey
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Re: Connecting with people

Postby KellyPosey » 22 Nov 2015, 22:56

I have had a lot of difficulty with social interactions in the past as well. Getting more intimate with others seems to have developed somewhat as a result of getting more intimate/comfortable with myself, and also by pushing myself to do things differently physically, like for example the point of making eye contact, because doing the physical movements even if it doesn't yet come naturally can also kind of help with the process of sorting out the internal stuff. So like, with my relationship with my mom when I was starting to correct that, I would give her a hug or something even if it did not feel comfortable or natural yet, and then doing the physical actions can be a cool way to bring you more immediately face to face with one's inner experience toward it, giving you a nice opportunity to really look at the point. Since you're in a school environment, there may be restrictions on touching so that may not particularly apply, but things like eye contact and whatever other ways to interact. So I would say to as you go along start to take notice of whatever points are preventing more connection and whittle those away bit by bit.

I would also look at whatever reactions have come up in relation to this event because it will show you if you had certain expectations/desires that could be influencing your behavior in the relationship and actually creating an undesired result.



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KimKline
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Re: Connecting with people

Postby KimKline » 22 Nov 2015, 23:03

Also, in terms of physical actions: don't touch yourself above the neck lol! It's no time to groom because it gives the impression you are self-conscious. It sounds funny but, don't groom! When you are intimate you are not thinking about how you look at all, it takes your focus and attention off the interaction and places it fully on to yourself. The focus should be on the interaction, the 'play' I mentioned before, experiencing yourself with another.



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YoganBarrientos
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Location: Miami, Florida

Re: Connecting with people

Postby YoganBarrientos » 22 Nov 2015, 23:20

I would also look at whatever reactions have come up in relation to this event because it will show you if you had certain expectations/desires that could be influencing your behavior in the relationship and actually creating an undesired result.
Yeah so I took that challenge, and saw that indeed there were perceptions, expectations and beliefs about them and the situation, and who I should be in relation to the situation. So I actually was living that exactly, including this result/point I am at now.

So I need to do a reset, and restructure my role/position. Because I was actually creating the situation as it was now.

Thanks everyone, this is a major breakthrough!

The rest of the points are cool, like with the fidgety movement, etc... I can see this info assisting many people, including me.

So I am off to write out my new position/script.



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Daniel
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Re: Connecting with people

Postby Daniel » 23 Nov 2015, 00:13

Awesome points here! I'd like to add one that is very near and dear to my heart: vocal intonation.

Experiment with a dynamic pitch, volume and speed. Varying ones expression is fun for everyone involved. We can communicate on this level that is "between the lines" so to speak, and that goes a long way for building trust, intimacy and mutual understanding. Directing pitch is especially fun to play with when using a truth appeal, using a lower note on the last word(s) of a sentence for added credibility and trust. Really, finding my own expression within the words has been liberating in a way that's best known through personal experience. A lot of this information can be extracted from observing the aray of expressions used by actors on TV.

Also, when self-initmacy goes up, so follows intimacy in relationships. ;)




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