Polygamy and the sorts

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Emmi
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Polygamy and the sorts

Post by Emmi »

Hi all.

This is a topic I have been struggling with for some months now, and I am writing to find perspective to help me move within my situation. In the headline I am referring basically to all companionships, relationships and family constructs consisting of more than just two adults.

I grew up within a family culture that valued romance and a normative 2-person relationship model. Thus, I grew to understand relationships to be an exclusive agreement, and I mean exclusive to quite an extent, where paranoid jealousy and restricting each other would be justified and OK, because apparently two people in a committed relationship somehow "belonged" to each other. I was OK with this for as long as it benefited me, in other words, as long as I could make demands to soothe my feelings of jealousy, which were in fact rooted in a feeling of inadequacy and insecurity.

As I have been walking my process - especially the social dimensions of it - I have come to shed this view. I'm starting to see how diminishing one's life to revolve around one person can be vastly destructive, and not just on oneself but on the other as well and any others influenced by the relationship, such as children. I've come to understand that a relationship can be based on independence, mutual support and the long-term well-being of all instead of whims and mood swings, which makes way for an actual bond of trust to develop.

As I've come to see relationships as agreements, I've also realised that there is nothing "wrong" per se with having several committed relationships simultaneously if everything is openly and honestly discussed and agreed upon - but that the matter of self-honesty is the key here, and often the trickiest part. I might be looking for something in partner A that is missing from partner B, and thus wasting my opportunity to face these points within myself as I seek for satisfaction from outside of myself. I could end up in a cycle of picking up countless people and ditching them again with the excuse of "freeing my self-expression", thus never really asking myself why I'm never fully satisfied with anyone.

The issue I've been having with this topic lately are the prospects that have opened with more than one people. At first I struggled with thinking that "I'm doing wrong", "this is not right", and fearing that if I talk about these feelings openly to the people in question they would think less of me and leave me. When I did finally talk about it I was mainly agreed with, and I also found some really great perspective from the people in question, mainly to do with the questions on why build and uphold a relationship like that and is it practical enough to work out. The situation has kinda been "on hold" for a while now, but I've come to such a point where I need to make some kind of a move for my life to move at all. In other words, I'm going crazy with the "maybe this, maybe that" and I need to make up my mind, lol.

My main issue here, I guess, is the fact that I fear discussing the topic with anyone. I feel like I have no one outside of the people in question to talk to about this, and even with them I am profoundly nervous. I fear judgement, but I also fear that I will end up being "wrong" - that my point of view will somehow be proven wrong through feedback from others, that I am in fact the immature child I call myself in the back of my head, that this is all just some "commitment issue" (a response from many I've discussed this with) or a "phase" I will grow out of. I see the validity in all these points, and I do agree that they need to be walked before a construct like this can actually work out, but I also think that a point is being missed when all I face is dismissal. Again, I think a major point here is learned self-judgement.

Honestly, I think the reason I am writing this is to find acceptance because I haven't yet come to terms with this myself. I would also appreciate any perspective, just so I could clarify what I would be doing and why. I feel like I am a tossing bag for my feelings of attraction, and that's no place to start building anything.

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Anna
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Re: Polygamy and the sorts

Post by Anna »

Hi Emmi.

What I have found is that so much of our process has to do with our relationships to other people (and the reflection of ourselves therein) and an agreement is a great way to face, transcend and transform any and all relationship-systems that aren't existing based on the principle of what is best for all. What I have found within this is also that on an existential level it is not so important 'who' one enters into a relationship with because we're essentially all the same, in a way we're all in an agreement with each other to walk this process and that is the principle upon which our relationships are built and therefore anyone could in principle be our partner. (However within this a point to consider is also one's compatibility with another person.)

Regarding the question of being in a relationship with more than one person, as a construct I don't necessarily see it as any different than being in a relationship with only one person. However - because being in a relationship with one other person can be quite a challenge in itself due to all the reactions that one will face, it will require even more stability and self-honesty to go into a relationship with two or more people. I walked into my agreement with a lot of desires and expectations and 'emotional baggage' and it has taken several years for me to stabilize within the relationship as well as within my own process. So were I to do it again I wouldn't go into an agreement until I was stable in my own process and had walked the Agreement course and sorted out my past relationships so that entering into an agreement would be a point of mutual self-expansion and self-support.

With regards to a three-way agreement some points that must also be considered and walked in self-honest communication are issues of jealousy and ownership and specific programming involving male and female personality-designs. I don't see for example that it would be effective if it is two people having a relationship with one other person if not these people would also stand in an equal agreement with each other. As such all three people must be in a complete equal agreement - which at this stage would be quite a challenge for most of us, considering that many of us barely knows how to be in an agreement with ourselves.

So my suggestion is, whether or not you're considering going into an agreement with one or more people is to firstly stabilize yourself in your self-agreement. This way, when you enter into an agreement you'll already be stable and therefore much more equipped at facing whatever may come up through/within the relationship.

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Emmi
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Re: Polygamy and the sorts

Post by Emmi »

Thanks Anna! I agree that it is essential for me to stabilise myself before going into an agreement of any kind. The term "self-agreement" is actually new to me in the sense that I have never used it or really understood it, but now that I reflect upon it I see how THAT'S the agreement I need to start with, lol.

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terhas
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Re: Polygamy and the sorts

Post by terhas »

Emmi wrote:I agree that it is essential for me to stabilise myself before going into an agreement of any kind. The term "self-agreement" is actually new to me in the sense that I have never used it or really understood it, but now that I reflect upon it I see how THAT'S the agreement I need to start with, lol.
very cool emmi!

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Anna
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Re: Polygamy and the sorts

Post by Anna »

Yes exactly Emmi cool lol - that's the first Agreement that must be in place, the agreement with oneself to walk this process.

Matti Freeman
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Re: Polygamy and the sorts

Post by Matti Freeman »

Hi Emmi
The term "self-agreement" is actually new to me in the sense that I have never used it or really understood it, but now that I reflect upon it I see how THAT'S the agreement I need to start with, lol.
Yes, establishing a clear self agreement with myself assisted me in being able to walk into an agreement with clear directive principle of 'why' I am going into an agreement, in terms of what I will accept and allow to be my starting point, and within this identifying for myself what is just an idea / projection, what is just imagination / desire, what are the needs / wants, and what I see are the practical points that I am willing to commit to / would be cool in a partnership -- and this prepared me to, when I'd meet people or see people and for instance a desire would be triggered or attraction or whatever -- I would slow down, step 'back' for a moment, let go of the energy / attraction buzz / desire buzz and assess the situation according to my self agreement as to whether I see practically the potential for a partnership with this person / whether within considering all the practical reality points involved in walking into a partnership, I would be self honestly willing to commit to walking with this person for a lifetime.

In terms of multiple agreement partners, the way I look at that point is that it's a matter of always focusing on self's commitment / agreement with self first, and when and as such a point would possibly open up -- it would be something that is Clear to see and the Decision would be Clear -- it would not be motivated by a point of Stimulation as a Want, Desire, Imagination, Feeling -- there would be no Confusion

I learned to look at these points from a starting point of Self Trust as -- I commit to applying myself / assisting and supporting myself through always and in all ways / with all things in my world / life investigating and establishing a clear directive principle within Self Honesty and within that I let go of wants and desires and fears and what ifs and walk in Self Trust - I Trust myself to, when and as I am faced with an opportunity / decision point, to assist and support myself to remain as Breath and assess all points Self Honestly and walk the required self application to sort out any point of Separation that I see arising in relation to the point

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sylvia
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Re: Polygamy and the sorts

Post by sylvia »

Cool support here guys!

And I agree on the self-agreement/self-intimacy first. I've walked together with my partner myself from a marriage to an agreement and that has been and still is a fine tuning of all the changes one is or has gone through. Without stabilizing oneself it is impossible to support and assist oneself and the other as oneself.

What I would suggest Emmi, is to have a look at the point of 'missing out', when you fear you will not have the possibility to walk all points in an agreement with one person. Relationships/agreements is what this world is made of so you might not face a certain point with a partner you choose to walk with the rest of your life, though you may face yourself in other agreements within your world, that are there to assist and support you for that moment. For instance a colleague that made you aware of a point within you, though when you switch jobs you might never see the person again, and the agreement/relationship was only there for a moment and made you move forward. As far as life agreements with more than 2 persons, I would suggest as already is said, to be first stable within points as jealousy and ownership, before you even think of it. So within this all your starting point of Self-Honesty is your directive principle to understand/see/realize what it is you need to expand on.

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Rozelle de Lange
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Re: Polygamy and the sorts

Post by Rozelle de Lange »

Cool support here!
Yes, establishing a clear self agreement with myself assisted me in being able to walk into an agreement with clear directive principle of 'why' I am going into an agreement, in terms of what I will accept and allow to be my starting point, and within this identifying for myself what is just an idea / projection, what is just imagination / desire, what are the needs / wants, and what I see are the practical points that I am willing to commit to / would be cool in a partnership
- Yes, I initially did this as well before I entered into an agreement with my partner. I had made an agreement with myself that I would not work on manifesting an agreement with another before I was absolutely satisfied that I had a cool self-agreement foundation established within and for myself. This was tough initially, but I stood by my commitment to myself to not focus on another within this context before I could self-honestly say that I am at a point where I am stable within myself in terms of knowing what I will accept and allow and basically knowing myself better from the perspective of having walked the process of self-investigation and self-correction. I knew that if I were to jump into a relationship before I had worked on ME and establishing a cool self-agreement with myself, that I would inevitably fall into old relationship patterns which were abusive towards myself as well as the other.

Ruben
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Re: Polygamy and the sorts

Post by Ruben »

Cool perspectives, thanks all for sharing. Emmi, one interview you might be interested in listening/investing in is the interview of the series life Review 'Casanova', talks about new relationships and how to's. It does not talk about more than two relationships specifically but has some cool points about relationships/relationship forming/choosing partner.

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viktor
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Re: Polygamy and the sorts

Post by viktor »

Another point that you could look at Emmi would be the various words/expressions that you have connected to relationships. Here you could ask yourself: what is it that I feel that I would get out of being with this other person? What is it that I feel they would give me? That might be love, companionship, care, security, comfort – a lot of things – and when you have identified the word/expression that you are looking for in another you are able to begin the process of creating yourself as that word. This would mean that you are giving to yourself that which you desire for in another and that you are fulfilling yourself instead of trying to have another fulfill you.

You could have a lot of fun with this, looking at words, defining them, seeing how you are able to live them practically in your day to day life. And then when you do stand as that word, another cool thing that will emerge is that the way you look at relationships will change; it will not anymore be driven by a desire to be fulfilled - instead it will be a practical assessment where you are able to see that you are compatible with another, you do practically work together, have the same interests, visions and goals in life and that as such it would be a cool merger if the two or three of you got together in an agreement.

This relates to the point of self-agreement that others have mentioned - thus the most important point to take into consideration is yourself and who/how you are within yourself and first of all make sure that this point is stable. When this is effectively in place you are able to move yourself into the position of a agreement by your own decision - not moved by energies - from a clear and practical starting point.

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