You brought cool points Joe, I do sometimes feel like it is repressing. Like if my experience had to be a feelin because it is cool, something like that.
"Can you still enjoy it if nobody ever heard your music? Can you still enjoy it if nobody else likes or appreciates the art you make?" Thanks for the perspective, in first place it is my expression, absolutely alone, and what I find in there, through my own sound, and how I sense myself, then I share that with people, and it's cool, because I in first place think it is cool, and when I share it it's now cool for 2 people. What happens is that I easily get missleaded in there, like if I identified myself with the feedback I am getting, rather than with the experience being real in itself, and it's cool to look at this because there is something that have kind of made me feel guilty in some sense, like if I was not being absolutely honest, and I see that this has happened because of the way I react to the feedback, and since I am getting ready to sing to larger audiences this relationship I would like to get to know. The balance between accepting the feedback and remaining true within my expression, I don't know if this does even exist, it must.
"When looking at what is a positive energy experience versus an expression one of the key giveaways is who you would be when it is just you and that expression - where it is not being done to prove a point, or to gain attention". It's interesting because this expression it has been just who I have always been, so in a sense I am expressing nothing new. But I my practical life, when it does happen I do use it to prove a point, like, you see? You do are poooosiiitiiiveee. Like if in my life I sometimes felt unexpressive, and when I released myself I went to the opposite experience this time because of the friction creating a lot of ideas and believes and positive feelins, that do in fact feed the other side of my mind. In relation to gaining attention, it's what I described, that balance, that turns the enjoyment to a matter of gaining, to be superior, and all that shit, that does not have to be the experience itself, but what we make as ego of it, because of competition, because of how we treat the virtues we have within ourselves, and the war, and the fear, and so much more from that point of absence of equality.
This last point you mention interesting because, is it natural that it leads to a low because of the intensity of your expression? And the nature of the moment itself? Or is on the other hand as you say the proof that it was an energy experience as a feelin? Maybe we do have to go to that low in fact, but we are accepting it because we have no attachment and we just let it go and we find balance again after a high/low. It's just theories my point is, I do get tired, not like exhaausted, but I do release energy, and I am not sure if you don't perceive yourself to release energy in those moments because you are just releasing a few. Or maybe it is that because of the state of your mind you have a lot of physical substance and you can release it without even feeling a low. But I myself do release energy to the point where I get tired of it, in the sense that I need to rest if I want to be able to feel it again. But, it depends because if I am having a good day, I could be all the day doing it without getting tired, and liking it all the time, so I don't know.
I have never known Bernard but, what would he probably say? This is a mind polarity. And this leads me to the point of, did Bernard sing? If he did, how was it? How exactly did this relation between expression and feelin work in him? Specially in the context of art
I have sometimes imagined this because this is an important part of myself, as a man and as a musician, and the conclution I have always gone to is that he had such a relationship with himself that he was full of his own physical substance, no mind, and if he decided to sing (I am just imagining it) he would be able to do it and not get tired. Even if, if you forced him to sing for a lot of time, he would probably end up feeling something, or getting a bit tired or something, but I am sure he would be able to recover from it. And maybe not only that, but because of the kind of person he was, the moment he sang and his expression came through, it would be in such a way that it would be fresh and always new. Maybe not eternal, because one just can not be eternally fresh and new when you are expressing yourself, because of the nature of how expression is, but maybe his balance supported him recover from those moments in case he felt some kind of sensation out of place within him, like attachment, or certain ideas creations. What I mean is that to be eternal he would have to never ever again express himself, and this is the idea that I really don't like about desteni's core message. Because, yes, maybe when you do not express yourself for a while, once you do it, it is new and fresh and cool! But in the current moment of my life I am living I am choosing to express myself, to live at least now that I have the chance, and express this that I feel. So I think I am choosing to feel myself while being honest and humble, rather than not feeling myself, which is what is implied in the very idea of 0 mind, at least for me. It is very easy, for me, or for people I don't know, to look at a person who is feeling and just say Hey! That is a mind polarity! Because you are cool! And if I accept this, I don't live. So I prefer to not make a fool of myself and be not only cool, but 100% cool, and then my goal is to remain humble and real within that if I can, and this is what I want desteni to support me with, rather than with not being cool because it is a feelin which is positive that manifests the negative blablabla.
These are my thoughts now, just wanted to share, thanks for the cool points.