Intensity point of going your own way

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tylersr
Posts: 357
Joined: 18 Jul 2011, 22:49

Intensity point of going your own way

Post by tylersr »

This is a recurring experience for me that I'd appreciated some additional perspective on.

Every once in a while, I get this quite intense point of : "Just don't go to work today" or "Cancel that appointment."

Everything within me screams that this is what's best for me to do, but when I push through, I experience all sorts of backchat such as "you're just a pussy for doing this" or "you're just clinging to a job in the system" sorts of thoughts. This will usually be accompanied by a period of questioning / regret when I am in fact at work. As they day develops, I come to settle down and the intensity of the experience of feeling like I absolutely should not go into work that day forms a weird juxtaposition with what otherwise turns out to be a pretty normal day. I am grateful that I still have a job and haven't had to explain that a voice in my head told me not to go to work that day, but I can't help but experience lingering thoughts that I may have missed an opportunity of a lifetime.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as the lingering thought "I should not have gone to work today"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that experiencing myself as the lingering thought "I should not have gone to work today implies" that I have given myself over completely to a thought within that moment, the ultimate manifestation of self-limitation when you consider the vast potential I inhabit yet accept and allow myself to be consumed by and as a single thought.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be consumed by and as the single thought "I should not have gone to work today."



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tormod
Posts: 1071
Joined: 25 Jan 2012, 12:05

Re: Intensity point of going your own way

Post by tormod »

Hi Tyler - thanks for the question

I definitely recognize this in my own process.
It is a very striking thought/idea of something that must be done - I have had it about work to in my process. "I have to do THIS particular chore in order to live my process or else....."

It's like a bully personality that is existent within - this also needs to be looked at - what is keeping this personality/polarity there - causing hell

I have come to take the essence of it and bend it and use it for its purpose but not "content"
Meaning: I would with thoughts such as "I need to stay away from work today" - look at WHY that would be...
Are there things I would like to prioritize in my living ? Something I need to study, read or write ? start a workout or developing of relationships ?

So to discharge the voice for being simply that - a system error - a voice in the head - of automation and as thought. To learn to see it for what it is - and dissect it through writing to self - opening up - and use what is there to be extracted and lived for what is best. Like do i need to prioritize my time other ways ?

Is what I would look at in this example. Open up the message in common sense - breathe & awareness - writing to self

Let me know how you find this.

Tormod



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tylersr
Posts: 357
Joined: 18 Jul 2011, 22:49

Re: Intensity point of going your own way

Post by tylersr »

Hi Tormod,

The way I see it, is that when it activates, it's the accumulation of energy from letting loose ends run loose for some time. Thus, it was to see the why and how the intense thought activated, and that was through an allowance of multiple instances of the mind, each one accumulating a little bit more energy. Until- BOOM!- I had a thought that was specific but also so seemingly imperative that I experienced myself as absolutely having to follow it.

Thanks for chiming in.



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tormod
Posts: 1071
Joined: 25 Jan 2012, 12:05

Re: Intensity point of going your own way

Post by tormod »

I understand.

I also know from my process walking with schizophrenia - that I really can become my thoughts - to the point of breaking down in despair - the thoughts are more strong, present and forceful when they build up and then - like you say goes BOOM - the thought sets of - demanding attention. Not allowing that distraction and to keep focus on self awareness is key. Keep buizy with some physical activity helps me often to re-focus. Do you have activities that are a bit physical ? I can recommend knitting ! Knitting and listening to eqafe is a favorite of mine.

Do you also know the living word application ?

It is a tough job but no one can do it but self. Consistency, discipline and patience will pay of.

Breathe, investigate, forgive - you have the basic tools.

Do you have a subscription to eqafe ?

There are several interviews there that might help :

https://eqafe.com/p/thinking-vs-looking-back-to-basics

https://eqafe.com/p/interview-request-schizophrenia



Gabriel
Posts: 164
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 21:07
Location: Ghent

Re: Intensity point of going your own way

Post by Gabriel »

tylersr wrote:
04 Apr 2020, 06:26
This is a recurring experience for me that I'd appreciated some additional perspective on.

Every once in a while, I get this quite intense point of : "Just don't go to work today" or "Cancel that appointment."

Everything within me screams that this is what's best for me to do, but when I push through, I experience all sorts of backchat such as "you're just a pussy for doing this" or "you're just clinging to a job in the system" sorts of thoughts. This will usually be accompanied by a period of questioning / regret when I am in fact at work. As they day develops, I come to settle down and the intensity of the experience of feeling like I absolutely should not go into work that day forms a weird juxtaposition with what otherwise turns out to be a pretty normal day. I am grateful that I still have a job and haven't had to explain that a voice in my head told me not to go to work that day, but I can't help but experience lingering thoughts that I may have missed an opportunity of a lifetime.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as the lingering thought "I should not have gone to work today"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that experiencing myself as the lingering thought "I should not have gone to work today implies" that I have given myself over completely to a thought within that moment, the ultimate manifestation of self-limitation when you consider the vast potential I inhabit yet accept and allow myself to be consumed by and as a single thought.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be consumed by and as the single thought "I should not have gone to work today."

Great that your were able to identify and recognise this thought for what it is, Tyler. The intensity of the thought will show you that there is a strong emotional undercurrent which you can still work with. I used to experience similar thoughts, about 10 years ago, when I was applying for jobs and because I was not in a settled position, last minute I would 'believe' my thought and last minute 'cancel' the job interview to only later - every time - realise that I had fooled myself again and that I just created yet another layer of consequence.

In my case the thought pattern was based on fear of taking responsibility for my life through having a job and income - so that I could continue to 'blame' others for how my life was. Interesting that when I finally walked through the fear I realised that having a job and income was actually the greatest liberator I could have wished for.

In the system there are going to be many different 'jobs' and 'possibilities' and within that we must be reasonable with what we expect for ourselves. Money based decisions should always be based on grounded common sense and inner clarity.



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