Adam’s Journey into Life

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Adam Closs
Posts: 511
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 24 Sep 2019, 20:23

Day 471: The Golden Thread, Lost, and Meaninglessness

I forgive myself, as my Being, as my Innocence, that I have accepted and allowed to persist within me constant obstacles to my expression; that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay compulsive tribute to the resistances that arise within Me; that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay compulsive credence to the doubts in Me and of Me; that I have through all of this accepted and allowed myself to limit the Self Forgiveness that I am willing to give to Me.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become defined by the boundaries of my Self Forgiveness; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I may become if I let go of what I have within myself asserted and allowed myself to be defined to be. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to also not respect the doubts that come up in me that are questioning the confidence that I have placed within and as the personalities that I live as Me.

… a continuation of Day 470, The Golden Thread

I suppose it happens sometimes that we decide to and commit ourselves to living certain words without a full awareness of what we’re doing; and even though it turns out later on that the word has shaped our lives, yet still we have not seen the word that is at the core of it - here is an instance of that, which I’ve opened up for me, through looking at who I am within that ‘golden thread’ experience, and here within these grounds may be discoveries for others too… of different words, of different purposes…

Since the previous writing I’ve been looking at those moments of my life in which I recognized a ‘golden-thread’ experience; that experience that seemed as if a vibrant thread of meaning had re-emerged from out of the fabric of my life, as in ‘here again I see that I am here with me, that no matter the extent of convolution, the seeming randomness, here again is a point of certainty, this evidence that right now – is undeniable – that I am not in fact lost, that my judgements of the path I’ve walked – as being meaningless - have been deceptive.’

In looking at The Golden Thread and opening it up, exploring what it meant to me, a question came up of – almost like looking around from that – what would be the nature of a world in which that golden thread existed, was suspended, was partly there and partly not, sometimes there and sometimes not – and if it were literally like a piece of thread or string then what would that string be suspended in, what sort of an environment would such a thing exist in? Answering this question to myself as me it was clear immediately that this ‘environment’ of me was one of uncertainty, of lostness, and of meaning-lessness.

Here for me was like a Vital point within the Golden Thread, the word Lost – and I realized that even through and in my victimized interpretations of the word, that once were feeding on the word Abandoned – was that vital point of standing on my own legs and moving me. So here I am again – in the context of The Golden Thread – looking into Lost, and seeing to what extent the word once held such attraction to me. I see now how much that attraction was coming from an awareness in me that I must redefine this word for me.

Way back, in this life at least, way way back, soon as I had walked away from school and family, and, literally, lol, taken to the hills – a living expression – it was a priority to me to seek a Lost experience – I was convinced that if I could stabilize myself in that Lost experience, I had a chance to find myself; that if I could shake off that world of knowledge that seemed so oppressive, then I had a chance of seeing direct/ for real/clearly.

At the time, I did not have the words – I did not realise that I was redefining words, I had no conscious understanding of how I lived out words - but looking back, this was like the gist of it. What I was doing in physical action – in taking to the hills – in getting Lost – was – how I see it now – was taking that experience that I was living out – defined as Lost – and then in my own way, making a study of it, attempting to create it, model it, reproduce it as an object or an image. This was how unknowingly I worked with this experience/word, taking it from something that defined me and oppressed me, to something that I owned. In this way Meaninglessness opened up for me and became for me instead of a limitation, an ever-opening resource; it was the opening for me of some years of explorations in the form of abstract paintings.

Something that I found as well, only recently – during the process of travelling – and moving home - looking more closely into the golden thread, and the experience of lostness, was how for me the word Significance had been for me misleading – it tends to lead me ‘out there’ in a way, looking for ‘signs’, when the impact for example of a ‘chance’ meeting, when you have that feeling for example ‘I was simply ‘meant’ to be here, in this strange café in this random country/ on this train/ meeting this particular being… in which it seems clear that there exists this wider reality in which our lives are taking place… a wider reality that gets exposed in the very act of travelling, having stepped out for a moment from our personal systems, routines… where ‘fathoming it out’ – all the whys and wherefores of it all – is kind of a distraction – and placing this word Significant to it – for me - obscures a simple point – because simply in the presence of that meeting I was as the experience of myself as standing in the center of my meaning; it was simply that this meeting was necessary on a level way beyond my understanding – that what took place within it – happened – there was no need to place the word Significant upon it, and so the following activities, the search for signs, when right there in the heart of that moment there was for me to experience myself as being alive, aligned within myself to Meaning, as in this is happening for me for both of us, this intensity, in the very core of this experience, no need to wander in conjecture of how this works and why.

Adam Closs
Posts: 511
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 24 Sep 2019, 20:25

Day 472: Writing, Escribiendo, and Convey

In this situation of being Here, nothing ‘ordinary’ exists – one only has to really look at any single thing to know this to be so.

I forgive myself, as my Being, as my Innocence, that I have accepted and allowed to persist within me constant obstacles to my expression; that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay compulsive tribute to the resistances that arise within Me; that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay compulsive credence to the doubts in Me and of Me; that I have through all of this accepted and allowed myself to limit the Self Forgiveness that I am willing to give to Me, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined according to those limits.

I place this SF statement here as a reminder of the previous post: it’s what I have been walking for these six or seven weeks or so, and now probably even more, and if not diligently walking, then all the same it has anyway had effects on who I am, the way I am. Some of these effects have been quite turbulent; from day to day new understandings have been coming up and I have kind of let them go, postponing writing, thinking mistakenly that tomorrow will be clearer, and yet tomorrow turns out to be a different day and different things have happened, seemingly not connected to the day before; and within that turbulence I am different also, or in a different place within myself, or more that there are parts of me that have become apparent that I had not recognised before.

Somewhat like a reading of some tarot cards as they turn up on the table; how one follows the other is not obvious at all to our everyday one-dimensionality, and whether it be cards laid down on table tops, or waking modes of thought, or the world itself as picked up by the physical eye in moments of reflection from the timeline of a thought, where a detail of the present scene is kind of pointed out by what the eye alights on – the tarot of the world itself – where from a floating narrative of thought, a reference point was chosen – at a certain juncture – perhaps there had been a glitch of a reaction, or else the glimpse of a solution, a momentary realisation of an implication opening up some a vista or a depth. Chosen spontaneously by the physical eyes, quick as a blink the attention had been rested on a tiny detail of the physical surroundings – as if it were a tarot card, a scale of vision – a movement not away from a certain consideration but instead a move towards a fuller understanding, a metaphorical dimension selected from the physical surroundings. That way the detail that had been lighted on by the physical eye could be seen as being supportive, even though the reading of the world remained so difficult to grasp.

This turbulence, or seeming dis-connectedness has not been any kind of problem in the flow of my process and experience of myself, but has been instead in feeling stuck in writing I see it’s like a problem arising from my definition of the word ‘writing’ – I see now how much I have been reacting to myself as I place myself as the living agent in this word Writing, going into judgements about continuity, connection, logical progression, keeping things upright, square, with an eye towards consistency… while my personal experience has been so far from that; and yet really now I look at it, what I see is that conveying my experience of the last few weeks has been a challenge to my definition of the word, and asking the question, Can it stand, and, Can I stand within as this definition, which, now I face the question, and see these weeks of hesitation and realise that I cannot, and that therefore I must now redefine the word anew and clear it.

Here is an approach to stuckness in ‘Writing’, to ask: What within my definition of this word am I allowing as obstructive? Does there exist within my definition of the word something that is outside of me or separate from me, such as a projection of myself that cannot be lived, an expectation of myself that cannot be fulfilled, because being a projection, it is not real… is there something in the definition that, when it comes to transfer into living action, causes a malfunction, in which ‘to write’ seems impossible, which maybe for these reasons, it actually is. I mean how can a definition function if it has built into something that is impossible?

Within my living of the word Writing, and for me closer to my heart, has been the word Convey; a word that I have lived in many ways, for many years: in physical construction, in paintings, in meetings and in conversations. I am sure of this because in seeing it I realised that here was something of my fundamental purpose here, a purpose that I chose; as if, let’s say in attending to some important detail of a creation, I found the word Convey inscribed, implicitly, as the word writ through it, as it were, and seeing then the presence of this word as the push behind and through my history and the actions of my life, all leading to this present moment writing here, it came up like a wave of urgency to the movements of my hand, feeling like the electricity of awareness of directly living Me.

Well back then in the 70’s it wasn’t something like: ‘I see this word, and I will stand by it…’ No, it was more like I was living it, becoming it. It’s only now I recognise what word this was. This leads in to my relationship with Writing and how I have defined and lived it; it’s like the word Convey formed the vital core of it, it formed the impetus of writing. The point being ‘to convey’ to convey the wonder of what I saw as life, while what I saw as being accepted and allowed and written off as ordinary moments existing in some deep or shallow grade of awfulness – so within Convey there was a drive to refute that drabness. It was who I was within and as Convey that I was deeply connected to myself with that extremely rare and scary moment for me of being face to face with my purpose in this world.

About five years ago, when I realised that my future life would involve some physical travel, it was obvious that the cost of this would be to lose my painting studio, and my decision was to therefore transfer that creative abstract work with paint into working with the words; and yet it was not clear to me exactly how to make that step. I saw no problem: there was no how about it, I just assumed that I could do it. Now looking at this point I realise that my confidence to just simply do this was coming from that oneness in myself that I had been living as Convey. The definition of Convey that I had lived since my early days was unconditional and unlimited; that I would use whatever came to hand to convey the inner livingness of me into the outer world as my whole purpose. And now I realise that the unlimited quality of Convey also carried with it unquestioned reactions to what I saw as being the drab consensus of the world, and to the rigid older generations, and within that now I see how I had defined Convey with elements of blame and therefore with superiority/inferiority and judgement. And within ‘judge not less ye be judged’ lays the spectre of being judged implicitly within my definition Convey, and so also as it resonates into Writing.

And so it was that somewhere deep in my assumptions as I folded up my life of painting, that I could just simply transfer Convey into the vehicle of Writing, I was not seeing at all how or in what way this word might become obstructive, would need some redefinition, that is me within as the expression/living of this word would require redefinition.

Living for the first time in this life in a Spanish speaking country I spend a lot of time with completely new and, to me, exotic words; I am in a process of making new connections both with Spanish words, and with English words. So at the same time as learning Spanish I am also in a way revising my familiar English. And in redefining words and in looking into how I’d lived out words, and what I had connected to them, I am suddenly looking at completely new dimensions, and new choices in how I might expand the words I know. For example I find in counter-point to Writing, the word Escribiendo, which for me raised a question that I have mentioned - of the formality that I had attached to Writing - and it brought suggestions to me of different new dimensions: more light hearted, scribbly and bendy, and also more free to wander and scurry about even. And I realised I would like to introduce all these things suggested by Escribiendo into my definition and living out of writing.

How and in what way would I like to change within and as the action of this word Writing is indicated here for me in Escribiendo: to first within myself locate that self abundance, and out of that to give to me that lightness that I find in Escribiendo, and not just lightness, but as well that freedom to wander and scurry about a bit.


Adam Closs
Posts: 511
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 02 Oct 2019, 04:04

Day 473: Writing, Fire and Brimstone and Self-Judgement

With redefining Writing one may not see the need; the practicalities of writing as simply laying out the words onto paper or onto screen are well defined. It is when writing out the contents of our inner world that the unconscious parameters within our words assert themselves. With Writing as the physical aspect of introspection, as In ‘Writing Self to Freedom,’ writing stands as a gate, and for the gate to actually be an opening rather than a process of filtration, the word Writing needs to be clear and straight forward.

With the unfolding nature of the self-forgiveness statements it is impossible to predict where it might lead: what layers might be revealed, what programmed constructs might be exposed. Thinking in the mind – Oh Yes I get this, now I see where this is going – is for me an easy self-deception – often passing-swiftly-on seems so natural – while going back along the path that I have trodden to look again at statements that I’ve made seems like a loss.

With reference to previous post, Day 472, some Forgiveness Statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to include judgement of my self into the very fabric of the definition of the word Writing, and within that within the word Convey, and then not allow myself to look at and to expose for me that part of me as who I am as Judgement that is in the word and that is therefore in the action that I know as Writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this part of me, to secretly apply myself as Judgement to this part of me as Judgement, to be as Judgement itself looking into the glass of Judgement attempting to ignore or look around myself to make do somehow in the presence of this part of me that I am living, and to at the same time try and write around it, as if it were real that I had actually dismissed it. I forgive myself that I have participated in this self-deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in shame of who I am as Judgement, to within the secrecy of my mind attempt to push this part of me aside, to reject this part of me, and in doing this I forgive myself that I have been participating in the judgement that I have been rejecting. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed the Writing that is Judgement to speak out as itself, as who I am as Judgement, to speak out and be clear as Judgement so that I may see and know what Judgements I am making so that those judgements may be corrected, and so that within my definition of the word Writing I may be wholly me rather than in separation from a part of me that is self rejecting. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my own authority into the hands of this separating part of me and so become as less than and in fear of it within the act of Writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider self forgiveness of my acceptance and allowance of Judgement existing in my definition of the word Writing, with a view to simply getting rid of it, clearing it out, without consideration of this Judgement as being a part of me, or consideration of the fact that I am trying with self forgiveness to rid myself of parts of me, and so not seeing how the misalignment of judgement still remains.

Fire and Brimstone: here are two words that come up now. Who I am as Fire and Brimstone, or who I might possibly become if I allowed it, here was a part of me that I was in fear of, that Bible thumping, The End is Nigh personality; I was in fear of it because I once saw how easily I might become it, as if that roaring energy of the Wrath of God might have been contagious; and to overcome the fear I suppressed this part of me. What more precisely was involved in this manoeuvre? I mean looking back on this now I see here was the word Convey on Crack, somehow consummated in spreading the contagion. And yet that Wrath of God was an extreme form of righteous judgement and with the thumping of the Good-Book personality it was a thing I judged against extremely; this is why it was with fear and horror that I saw how easily I could become it. Having glimpsed an aspect of reality it seemed my responsibility to Convey it. Like here it seemed was the word Convey in exaltation. And here also in this Fire and Brimstone personality was Authority, my own Authority that I had horrifyingly given up to Judgement, and then done my best to stamp it down.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that I alike with all other beings am seeking to express and live the Word, and that in Judgement also I have chosen to express my life, and in not seeing how in my application of this word I have been mistaken, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject that part of me within the word as if I were separate to that part of me I wanted to express.


Adam Closs
Posts: 511
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 11 Oct 2019, 16:57

Day 474: Redefining Writing: Evidence, Affront and Trespass

Evidence of how I have defined a word comes up in me as I am about to put that word into action.

So here, as I am about to write, I observe those moments of hovering, those moments prior to the decision to just simply go in there and do it; and for me I notice within the fear of setting down the pen onto the page – again – as if the patience were wearing thin… yes writing out – Again! – only this time staying with myself within that fear, in all its vagueness, and in the face of that impatience, to see what might exist in it; and what I notice kind of within the folds of that fear, is a feeling of Affront, as if the intention to resume the writing were the cause of it. Both at the same time really: in the feeling of Affront; of being offended, and as well the feeling of being the cause of the offense.

This is a cool discovery for me: extracting these specific words from out of what had previously been nameless, shapeless. There may be and are many other dimensions to this fear, but here is one of them.

Playing with the word Offense, the phrase ‘Uneasy sits the Crown’ comes up, and it seems apt to me as so often examples of Offense being taken involve a being with a position to defend, who has a hidden insecurity, since the ground of their authority is in some way false. Sometimes I’ve noticed offense being taken when an expectation from the other person has been unconsciously like a feeding of respect for their position, or for some other thing, so that when that feed is no longer felt to be in place, they take offense – as if their elevated rank for example had been doubted, they feel slighted; as if there had been a breech of contract.

And in ‘taking offense’, that is with me taking offense: such as in not being taken seriously: those moments in which I feel that I am deliberately misinterpreted, for the sake of a joke or a giggle, and I am unwilling to look at the possibility that I am becoming quite intense or over earnest, unwilling to see that a moment of levity could be valid, unwilling to consider that I might have strayed into a personality of some kind, unwilling to consider that I might have lost my way, unwilling to consider that what I’m seeing as an attack may actually be supportive. All of this exists within me as experience, as memories that contain that experience of being offended, taking offense. If that were not so then I would not recognize this feeling in me that comes up as I am approaching writing: I would have nothing to recognize it with.

And with the feeling of Offense that comes up, there is a fear of that feeling also, a fear of standing in it, staying with it, and also that feeling as well of having caused offense, or that possibly I might cause offence. A question here is this: by participating in this fear around Writing, what self definition am I living out, what word expression am I using for this purpose, when by participating in that fear, I validate that reaction of Offense, and I am actually being as a pest, a nuisance. Here is like the other side of it, though as I am approaching Writing they are both as one. So like in approaching Writing I am approaching the grounds of a complaint, where the complaint has been, “If not for this and that… nuisance… happening…then life would just go on and on, and on…” And so in a way the writing-ground is pre-defined within the parameters of complaint – as a kind of trespass – and the words if written down at all - are disposed towards defense – and as a trespasser, there is the feeling of causing an offense, kind of tip-toeing around on someone else’s land.

In the case of thinking that I have offended someone - and usually it’s way later – it matters to me a lot. Feeling shocked that this had happened, I go back and re-examine everything I can, with self questioning and re-runs, looking at all the angles, like was it something I said or didn’t say, something I did or didn’t do – perhaps it is not that drastic – but there is an insecurity opens up in me – and though often I do not find out if it happened or not, because times go by, and moments are gone, I think that mostly it was not real, it was usually me giving reality to something that did not happen, that is me validating a suggestion or suspicion in my mind. This is a good reminder to me of how I can be manipulated by for example someone resonating or even feigning offense, with me going into a reaction that is out off proportion, and also with the self manipulation, where that familiar doubt or feeling of having caused offense can have the result of me not going ahead with my intentions, as in the case of trespassing on someone’s land, not doing it.

Well who is it whose land I am considering to trespass in? Obviously all of it is me, and looking at the nuances within the fear of writing, all of them are also part of me: these feelings of offense and fear of them, these fears of causing an offense, who I am within and as my reactions to them, my validations of them. I take a look again at what I said about being the one who takes offense, and being unwilling to consider that I strayed into a personality of some kind, and that phrase ‘Uneasy sits the Crown’; a personality of the mind can have a sort of energetic insecurity, and that feeling of offense though rationalized into all kinds of human relationships and contexts, could also be like a survival fear of the personality itself, an expression of instability of a system.

There is part of me that is my mind, that part of me that is the mind, as all the words that I’ve been living, or existing as, and there is the part me that is the life within those words, responsible for their meaning, responsible for the nature of the mind, responsible for the automation of those words, responsible for my absence from them; so that as I develop self awareness in my redefinition process and give back to me my self responsibility it seems as if a relationship exists between myself and my programmed automation, in which largely I have kind of let things run, as in on and on and on.

There is kind of a relief in seeing that you are tied, because then there is a way forward, there is the possibility of then seeing How it works, rather than remaining in a wordless overwhelmingness in which one has become accustomed and familiar with resignation, and then such as with me, finds a positive energy for that, experiencing it as laziness… that everything’s ok, that I have time, just wait until the energy has changed…

In Breech of Contract comes up through Affront, Offense, and Trespass: words associated with crime and law, and so stemming from Authority. A personality of the mind, as a world of fraud can only function with the absence of evidence: it quavers, trembles, becomes unstable and shaky and deceptive as the lie on which it feeds is becoming likely to get written out. Within myself as both the maker and the breaker of my world of laws and contracts and dubious definitions I see now within this post these points as pushed up surface features pointing me towards who I am on deeper levels as ambiguous authority.

…continuing into this next post…

Adam Closs
Posts: 511
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 22 Oct 2019, 01:18

Day 475: From Me-To-Write-a-Book to Reunifying Self and Purpose

Redefining the word Writing (Part 4)

From the lock-in of Me-To-Write-a-Book to Reunifying Self and Purpose

In redefining Writing what is opening up for me now… in looking at that point of stuckness… is seeing that stuckness as a form of bondage… because something that I find now is the literal bonds between the words Me-To-Write-a-Book, and me defined within them and by them, so that as I approach the writing what I am experiencing is myself in a state of bondage. So continuing from the previous writing, in which the feelings of ‘Trespass’ and ‘Breech of Contract’ came up in connection to stuckness and bondage, I am looking now at the bonds between these words as they exist within me, within the words: Me-To-Write-a-Book.

And it is now becoming clear that I must separate this amalgamation into its constituents: of Write, and Book, so that in doing so I can make ‘Write yourself to Freedom’ a reality. In this process I must look into the nature of that ‘Breech of Contract’, that straining of the bonds I experienced as a sense of insecurity within and around the word Write as I prepared myself to live the word in action. Perhaps as groups of words become locked together and their single function becomes a habitual self-manipulation, then gradually the words become refined in a way into a feeling, into a subtle waft of energy. It was looking into that ‘waft of energy’ that led me into this.

So in this part I go into the story of how for me the word Write was close to heart, and how I felt I needed to protect it. What was the meaning of the words I held so close within me: Me-To-Write-A-Book? I feel my way towards this early definition – because I want to look more closely at it – at what I placed within these words – what was the context in those days of how I lived out Write, who I was within the word, that still effects me and therefore still is present? How originally did I lay this out, what did it mean to me as a child, intimately within these words, Me-To-Write-A-Book, within my heart, and for my heart, and from my heart?

How can I describe the contents of this phrase, this joined up word-form? Certainly I kept it close to my heart, I protected it, and me within it; I could not afford this part of me to get defined or judged by those around me. And so, ‘dear to my heart’ were other words I lived in connection to the word-form Me-To-Write-A-Book: it is like a word of an intimate language of self, functioning in the process of my life as a single word. What was happening within myself within and as this phrase of words? It was like the moment of the opening of my heart that must and had to be protected, and being so ardently protected, it soon became closed off to me.

How had I defined this ‘Book’? As with the projection of a dreamer, both seeing not and yet obliged to see some form; as a child I focused on a solution I could hardly face, and yet not wholly turn away from – a pictured image of a book that I had written in the future – as evidence of my authorship, of my self authority. And so seeing not while at the same time obliged to see, I kept the imaged or symbolic version close to me. I cherished it, and cherishing, and living Cherish, and the experience of cherish became intertwined with Me-To-Write-A-Book: and Me-To-Write-A-Book became within me like a single word. It had a sort of imminence, not as an impending evil, but simply as a potential to be. Looking at it now I see how the experience of Cherished and of Potentiality might together become as an addiction.

What was the experience that I lived in Cherish; that something dear to me was such a comfort, that I held on to that experience of being loved? What was at the heart of that life-so-dear, was that life of me. That relationship is reflected in the word Convey (Day 472) – that had for me a physical urgency – that on the surface level manifested in my conscious mind in phrases like, ‘There is so much more to this,’ ‘The point of Life is being missed,’ ‘I must show by any means I can that there is life beneath this matrix, ‘That there is a danger of this life within being overwhelmed and trampled by the system by the march of progress…’ And yet what I could not see at the time was how much these words reflected that bondage that I cherished.

And there was a sort of triumphant spirit that I embodied in validating such perceptions of the world, in which I could utilize the urgency of Convey and commit my life path into action as a painter as an artist, and yet I did not question what exactly honestly was the nature of this triumph, of this exuberance. It is one of the effects of redefining words that those old stories of your life can suddenly open up an entirely different interpretation. There are points in which you see how rather than living words, the words as you have accepted and allowed them, have in a way been living you.

It was like I had suddenly committed to a belief that I could with a hop and a skip and a jump leap over this lock-down of the Me-To-Write-A-Book amalgamation – in which I was trapped and yet which I also held so dear – not with ‘Book’ as my written out articulation of the life that I experienced as ‘me’, as I am now beginning to redefine it, but ‘Book’ as representing that Authority that I had separated from, that Authority that seemed to oppress me, an image of my vulnerability to that authority and judgement and definition by others – that word Authority that was essentially living me. So in jumping over all of that in triumph to practice as an artist, I could celebrate yes the fact that life existed, while at the same time leave the book as closed – as an image in my mind – while that articulation of the life of me, remained within the bond, unknown to me.

Me-to-Write-a-Book, with a ‘Book’ as…with a scary definition of ’Authority’, as a field of harshness, in which I would fear experiencing vulnerability; within a field of judgement, experiencing my willingness to be defined by others, my willingness to be defined by labels, other people’s assertions of their own realities, experiencing my own judgement of myself, on seeing myself within and as such willingness… to be shaped, to be limited… these would be like the first pages of the book had I dared to open it, all those lies and self deceits that I had accepted and allowed within the word Authority. And within all of that what about my own authority as me, as the author of my book of life, as the one in the act of writing; in the harshness of this field I would experience myself resigning to the fact of there being apparently very little room for that. And so in the stuckness of the writing I would also suppress the experience of myself as angry to be living in another’s world and not my own.

I look at now how within my life I reacted to the question posed by the formulation of Me-To-Write-A-Book: such as me to write a book, or not? And what I see in relation to this, is the fact that in my life what I did was to postpone, though a million times it must have risen up as a question – to carry through, or not to carry through – and the question also: Is this that I am writing/busy with here the fulfillment of that impulse, of myself? And now also, ‘Would it be enough to deconstruct all this – in terms of being fulfilled – would I be content? And does in fact this question still remain in me?

How was I within myself towards the fact of being unable to commit, was it that I was resigned to the mystery of this apparent lack within my nature, believing that somehow I would get by, resigned before a judgement of myself, that I did not have this thing, that would make commitment possible? And as I write this question out what I see is that it was not really ‘that I did not have it in me’ to commit; it was that I already was committed - to an impossibility – of standing in front of a door, waiting through my life for it to open, while at the same time being the door itself, devoted to being closed.

It was not that I could see the impossibility of the situation, and how it was that I was trapped in this commitment. Over and over again I would justify myself within, ‘This is not the time’, ‘What I am doing now is not It’, and, ‘Maybe later, when I get the chance…’ and within these excuses also lay the statement, ‘What I am doing now is not good enough for me’, What I am doing now is somehow just a side event in the thrust of my life, in relation to my heart’s desire’, and ‘I have patience, I can be and can become this patience, but how I live within and as Convey will be eventually fulfilled…’

It seems like a leap here – into the phase of redefinition: what is happening is that reading through this written work I am amazed at how much of me is being discovered, opened up, and my thoughts go into the question of what then of the self within all this; that push within convey, that solution that once so long ago I saw for me in words, that self that now has movement in it, purpose, and something that I realise in this new experience is a unity of purpose with myself. How did I get from redefining Writing to seeing so clearly in these moments how I had separated this experience of me as me from this word Purpose?

As the redefining process opens for a word, as a word is changed, released, forgiven, it takes on for me an imminent quality, that awakening of potential, and these changes spread into connected words, in the redefining of words, one’s living through these words, the words begin to loosen up, those restrictions to their meanings start letting go, there is the transition from seeing how they have been and are defined, towards seeing how they might be redefined and what points lay behind those definitions; it is in this transition from those bonded definitions that for me this sense of imminence opens up, becoming intimations rising up in me, becoming like a tide of realization. As I redefine the words that I’ve been living in each of them that rising gathers imminence, that specifying potential of a word gradually by steps and changes getting free to be entirely in and of this world of me.

Of the significance of the process of Redefining Words, and of Writing Self to Freedom: that Significance must also come to Life, to the actual thumping of one’s Heart, like Holy Shit this really is the key, like Holy Shit that job of living me, that crucial job that I had forgotten all about in my retirement from the world of me: never before have I seen Self and Purpose as aspects of each other, never before have I experienced this point as real, as vital.

Adam Closs
Posts: 511
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 05 Nov 2019, 19:48

Day 476: Points of Living Self-Authority, Approval and Survival

Redefining the word Writing (Part 5)

Points of Living Self-Authority, Approval and Survival

Redefining Words is a newly opened, clarified and implemented path of self support and self change through introspection, understanding and self forgiveness; and yet our choice with how we live the words within us is not new, it always has been here. Our abuse of words has consequently shaped our world; together we have furthered all our individual points of alienation, layer on layer we have created an absurdity. Here in redefining writing I share how I have supported me to expose for me the absurdity that I myself have lived of accepting and allowing my creation of Authority to become a constant interference of who I am at one with purpose.

While redefining Writing, many questions have come up, and around this point of asking questions, here’s another: Having asked a question in ourselves do we even know what forces we have set in motion? All of us are dowsers in a way - or is it Tao-sers? – While having questions turning over in our depths, and at the same time living out our everyday existence, we have an eye out for an answer, from the back-burners, an eye out for an understanding, for a clue, for further information, whether that be from a film we chose to watch, a snippet from a song we chose to hear, or something someone says, anything at all from out of the blue in our experience, where suddenly we recognize a significance, a moment in which that question that was asked finds some kind of a completion, or meets with a connection, and then when that happens, we choose to either look at it or not. That was how it was for me in a book that I was reading, when the word Presently came up, and I chose to look at it.

And so with Presently, the word: I ask myself what may come along, what possibilities may open up, be provided for by the dimensions of this word? With me, I ask myself because as I read the opening of a story, ‘Presently’ arrived, or had been placed in such a way that it stood out clearly in my mind as a point within itself, stood out from the run of words, as it were, with all its lights still on; and so asking this I paused the reading process to make an exploration, to trust the notion that my meeting with this word had been, if not my destination, had been necessary, supportive, had even been a possible entrance for me to find my way in redefining Authority – about which I had apprehension, had been dragging my feet. A question like, How might ‘Presently’ come into, be relevant, be a part of this question I’ve been living, as I follow through in redefining Writing?

What would be that ‘entrance’? Here for me that entrance represents the question of, How can I open up the word Authority, this point that is here, within redefining Writing; where in the process of the previous post I have come to see how much I have accepted and allowed this word Authority, with my commitment to the contents of its definition, to interfere so much with me with who I am as one with purpose, so that as I start to write, I lose my footing; there is a hitch, a knot, a lifting up, a suspension.

So here I realign myself with Purpose in this Redefinition of Writing, reaffirming for myself that I am not avoiding my meeting with the word Authority, but choose first to open up the word Presently – as if it were an Entrance.

So, to share here how ‘Presently’ came up: within the book, as I read the ‘passage’, it was, “…following a trail across the hills... Presently…the two men stood face to face…” Here is how in my reception of this sentence, ‘Presently’ resonated in me: - Presently: as quietly the moment changes. Presently: it was a day in Life. Presently: without restraint, without a past. Presently: in the way things happen, easily. Presently: within and as the manner of the presences of beings… so that in the opening of a story, the word Presently arrives, the nature of that which is both here, and is to come, the nature of a day in Life that simply is… I kind of throw together here a list of resonances, of how this word Presently came up in me as I was reading, and then seeing how through the nature of this word, the outcome of the meeting of the men as they eventually came face to face, was limitless.

Now considering how I had, in my redefinition of writing, kind of made an appointment with the word Authority, and had been feeling apprehensive about the meeting, and how it might or may be, “face to face”, I see now how Presently came as a solution for me, a way in which living presently with myself, I might approach this meeting. Something else as well: that even briefly though it was, within and as a walk through - of the resonances of Presently - I showed myself what living Presently could mean – with a sense of knowing every corner of it – as if it were my body – and that physical experience of knowing what is me – it’s like here I feel I’ve touched on what could be an outline of a redefined Authority, an Authority that exists within the living of a word. And so with this insight, a lightness came across the word Authority.

In approaching a point, in the way of how it’s done, here I show myself - with the support of Presently - a more sure-footed way in which one stays within one’s life in and as the living Presently – and kind of extending from it – so that now considering that Apprehension that I had – as an experience of instability, as fear of what might or may likely happen – that I had associated with really taking a look at and into the word Authority – I now question this connection. The word Authority, the word, the noun, is in itself quite abstract, neutral: and what I see is that the word itself is not the source of the apprehension that I felt around it. And I start to question now, rather than what is this word Authority - that I have been apprehensive meeting with – but instead to ask myself, How did I create Authority?

With this new question then I looked into my past, and I started to consider this; me in relation to the point of seeking approval, such as in my early days at school, a world in which my survival seemed dependent on it: here is where I actually created ‘authority’: in the opinions of others, in the consensus of peers, and then later with the representatives of ‘the authorities’ – where towards this ‘authority’ that I had created, I separated from it, I bonded it to my experience of apprehension, and did not question it. I was content in some way with systemizing my avoidance of it.

To take a look now at the image that I created of the word Authority – as I considered redefining it – seeing the word as a massive ugly concrete building – and me approaching it, fearing to walk up the steps and go into it – going to myself, Oh My God, now I have to redefine this place – sort of shove my body through the doors, and navigate the corridors and stairs and waiting rooms, imagining my incremental steps into my own diminishment. But in actually opening the doors of my apprehension rather than the doors of this massive Block, I see now how much the Block itself is like my systemization – sort of the Ministry of Adam Self Deception, which existed for the purpose of not seeing that I created this Authority, that I created it from a belief that also I had made, a belief in my survival being dependent on approval.

Within and as the Presently I live:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself that I have committed myself to living out a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my survival was dependent on the approval of those around me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my survival was dependent on a point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my survival depended on a point of what I said, of what my expression was in a moment, on a point of my behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the definitions put on me by others in order to serve the belief that my survival was dependent on approval.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a version of Authority that could only be outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear and apprehension over what might happen if I were to express myself regardless of the Authority that I perceived outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having many years ago, thrown away the key to who I am, that it could never be retrieved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become resigned within and towards my experience of fear and apprehension that I connected to Authority.

In serving my belief that my survival was dependent on approval. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consolidate my commitment to this definition of Authority. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strengthen my belief that my survival is dependent on a point.

Within and as the Presently I live: I withdraw my commitment to Authority as a thing only in the world outside of me, and I recommit myself to my own authority within, within and as the words I live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be nothing without being defined by others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the nothingness of my being with death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the beings around me as being ‘something’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed and approved of my refusal to see that who I am as nothingness is my choice to live through words, that my responsibility within this choice is freedom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the words that in my judgement of myself I have asserted on to me as ‘who I am’, or ‘what I am’; within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw away my awareness of the choice I have of living words.

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an oversight of judgement to become an authority in my life, an authority that defines me with asserted words. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by these asserted words, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then interpret who I am through these words as labels that I have accepted and allowed to be put on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live ‘Authority’ as a defining force in which I have approved that I be victim to it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give to this defining force its own devices so that I never have to see the reality of the nothingness being, so that I never have to see my choice to be aware, to live Awareness, and live the words I choose to live.

Therefore, Presently, as I come along the path and meet Authority face to face, I commit myself to live Awareness.

…continuing next post…

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