Kristina's Journey to Life

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 18 Oct 2019, 15:25

Wanting Another to "Come Clean"

Here I share self-forgiveness in relation to a reaction I had towards another where I assumed to know they were not coming from the "right" starting point... assuming they were "not clear" in where they were coming from and wanting them to "come clean" as a point of being self-honest about what they were accepting and allowing.... The QUESTion: Where is My Starting Point?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume to think where another person is coming from

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume to know where another person is coming from when they say something, and to react to what they say and want them to 'come clean' about where they were coming from instead of realizing I was coming from a specific place... from the past where I based who a person was in their past on who they are now - ASSuming they have not changed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume people do not change instead of realizing how anyone can change as I've seen within myself I can change and so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give others the benefit of the doubt as I've given myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of the past as assuming people are the way they've always been and think and believe they haven't changed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I KNOW where others are coming from as if it's a gift of awareness instead of realizing it's a burden of assumption I am placing on others to prove to me I'm wrong instead of ME taking responsibility to ensure I am not assuming anything about anyone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push others to be self-honest about their starting point instead of pushing myself to be self-honest about mine

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to slow down in moments when I'm reacting, even if I've convinced myself I am not reacting and I KNOW another person is wrong or at fault or not 'clear' in where they are coming from - this should be a red flag I am reacting and so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to challenge myself before I challenge others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push others to become self-honest about what they are saying and why instead of questioning my own self-honesty and about what I'm saying and why

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define people on their past actions and behaviors

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define people according to MY own assumptions about them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit people by assuming to know where they are coming from

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to SEE others actions and hear their words to be able to know where they are coming from instead of looking to my own thoughts for answers without realizing my thoughts are not to be trusted

When and as I see myself assuming to know another person is not coming from a "clear" place, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand here that I am projecting an idea another another and holding them hostage to the past of who they were and thinking and believing "they haven't changed" as if they are incapable when I know for a fact people can change and so I commit myself to use such a reaction of "wanting another to come clean about where they are coming from" as a red flag for myself to see where I am coming from and to forgive my starting point as I am coming from a past moment/reaction/assumption/belief/idea about who this person is in this moment.

I commit myself to look at my own starting point before I dare to question another

I commit myself to take responsibility for my starting point before I question another

I commit myself to start trusting others can and are changing as I've seen myself able to do



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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 26 Dec 2019, 06:00

The Meaning of My Miscarriage

The day before Halloween my partner and I found out I was pregnant. We had been trying for 4 months and to our shock and amazement, it had actually happened! And way faster than either of us ever conceived it would have.

Just over 5 weeks later, when we were 9 weeks pregnant and having our first ultrasound we were told the fetus had no heartbeat.

I was told to empty my bladder twice before the technician finally decided to do an internal ultrasound that confirmed what the technician was seeing... there was no heartbeat. The fetus was measuring at an age where there should have been a heartbeat. While the technician wanted to give us the news gently and with some hope that maybe the pregnancy wasn't as far along as we thought, my midwife gave it to us straight that there should be a heartbeat by now. And because there wasn't, this pregnancy wasn't progressing. She insisted if the fetus did not come out soon, we should get medical assistance to remove it.

It was another 2 and a half weeks before I actually, physically, miscarried. What happened to me was called a missed-miscarriage. A regular miscarriage is when the fetus is expelled from the uterus. In our case, the heart stopped beating or never started in the first place, we don't know for sure, but it took a little bit for the body to realize that and release the contents of my uterus.

All I know is we were pregnant for 5 weeks and we were thrilled. Shocked and maybe even a little scared at first, but ultimately honored and ready for a new life. I had morning sickness every day - mostly in the mornings, but sometimes throughout the day and into the evenings. I never had to actually throw up which I was grateful for. I got used to the taste of ginger tea and drinking just 1 cup a coffee a day. I liked knowing I wasn't walking alone... that something was growing inside of me. That he and I did something right and were given the gift of being trusted with Life.

I also formed a lot of ideas. The due date was July 6 and I would be very pregnant by the time I turned 35. Both his and my parents would come for the birth and I would take the 8th month off work to enjoy the last month of pregnancy. I would have a year of maternity leave to look forward to and this would be the last Christmas it would be just the two of us.

But things did not go as we thought or intended. I don't think anyone ever thinks this could happen to them. Of course, I knew miscarriages are more common then people talk about, I just didn't think it would happen to us... no one talks about it. No one talks about having them and then having normal pregnancies. Couples just have them, sometimes not telling anyone, and have to mourn in silence.

We had told our parents a couple weeks before we had that first ultrasound. It was my mother's birthday and I sent her a onesie with a note asking her to hold onto it until the baby's arrival in July. It was a fun surprise that she walked right into. His parents were equally thrilled.

When we got the news that there was no heartbeat I, of course, was devastated. I was heartbroken in a way... I was so looking forward to this new responsibility and this new little being coming into our lives. And you can't help but feel when things turn out this way that maybe you could have done something different... that maybe you did something wrong. That maybe it was your fault or your body is faulty or that thought that you may never be able to carry a child creeps in.

This experience was not at all how I thought this year would go. When my partner and I started talking about children, the potential seemed ripe and we were in the right space and place to proceed. We were nervous but we were willing and wanting to take on the new challenge. We didn't want to shy away from the responsibility - we were willing to embrace it. And while this is not what we anticipated, wanted or expected, it showed me our level of commitment to each other and our willingness to be here for each other. Our partnership and togetherness is the foundation of this new being we will bring into this life and I couldn't ask for a more grounded and stable bond to conceive a child from.

I did not see this in my cards. I assumed our journey to bring new life into this world would be perfect. It had already seemed to be perfect from our initial talks to our actively trying and to our quick conception. It seemed ripe and right and here. And then it wasn't. And what is left is the question about the meaning... why? And what I realized is that the meaning of a miscarriage is what I give it. I give it meaning. Many will say there is no meaning or reason or purpose... it just happens, mostly because the fetus is not developing properly. But what is left is the couple asking why. and for me... I found the meaning. The meaning of my miscarriage was what was left inside of me after the heartbeat stopped. The thoughts, feelings, emotions... the experience, the ideas, the projections, the fears, the doubts, the worries... that was the meaning. A glimpse into another part of my psyche that, without this experience, I would have never seen before. Hidden aspects of myself finally coming into view to see 'who I am' in such experiences.

From here I will continue and share more in blogs to come.



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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 01 Jan 2020, 07:45

667: The Last 10 Years

Thanks to those that reached out after reading my previous blog - I appreciate your support very much. It was touching to hear from so many of you about what we've been going through.

I did want to share that while the previous blog was perhaps on the heavier side, really laying down the experience we walked in losing the pregnancy, I would like to say that I did mourn and grieve and my ability to share is a reference for me that I am at a place of acceptance and understanding with it. I don't blame anything or anyone and I don't feel strong regret or shame... I've accepted it's happened and allowed myself to embrace it as now part of my journey that I can learn and grow from and share with others to hopefully support them to realize that yes, we must grieve, but we can also turn such tragedies into gifts.

My ability to grieve and mourn in the way that I did, and in the pace I did, I say gives credit to this process I've been walking for a decade now. This time 10 years ago I was addicted to cigarettes, marijuana, alcohol, relationships, and love, I didn't know who I was, I was afraid of so many things, other people, I had conflictual relationships with my family and I was floating through life unsure of where to go or what to do, looking for something or someone to follow, wanting answers to my questions but without the world being able to offer me anything of real substance. I had no motivation, no self-trust, no direction. Only doubts, insecurities, and fears.

Then I found the principles and tools of Desteni: self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self-responsibility, writing, self-corrective statements, and application - the realization that we've been living as limitations and in separation and conflict to and towards and as Life and that we've never known who we really are and that while we are waiting for a savior, ourselves, our Flesh, our beings, our thoughts, words, and deeds have been here all along with all the power in the universe to change.

Flash forward 10 years later I am free from my addiction to alcohol, marijuana, and cigarettes. I am in a committed relationship going on 7 years. I have direction and purpose within work, and I have direction and purpose within my day to day living. I realize there ARE solutions to any problem, big or small, and that I am not a victim to anything. I choose to empower myself within my capabilities to forgive myself and take responsibility for myself and to move myself towards living and expressing my utmost potential. I've stopped giving myself excuses and push to always find a way because my will to live is strong.

And in this journey and this process... I have learned how to grieve. To face the emotions of sadness and anger and regret and shame and uncertainty and wanting to know why and feeling cheated and left out and feeling undeserving and unworthy... I've learned how to handle these experiences that come with having a miscarriage and while yes I feel them and I experience them... they do not consume me. I embrace them as part of the experience of having a miscarriage but I also see and utilize them as gifts to empower myself. To realize there is nothing wrong with me and to give myself that credit that I did nothing wrong and I don't deserve to be blamed for having a miscarriage. I deserve understanding and patience to process the loss and gentleness to slowly stand on my two feet again.

This journey over the past 10 years has supported me tremendously through this challenging time. Yes I mourned and I grieved, but I also feel like myself again. I let myself cry and breakdown, to sink into the depressing and the unknowing of what now... to face that void that replaced the image of a future with a family... I acknowledged it and accepted it as now the reality of my situation. And I am willing to work with that is Here.

What is here is I had a miscarriage. It happened to me and it happens to a lot of women and when I hear it has happened to other women, I feel better... I don't feel so alone, so isolated, so left out. I feel reassured and relieved and grateful to know I am not the only one.

And that's why I share my life and my journey in these blogs... that is why I decided to share this to say you are not alone, woman.

I have come a long way in the past 10 years and I am grateful for every moment as it was a gift of self-understanding, self-forgiving, and self-exploration. I have learned to love myself and to cherish myself and in that, I've learned how to deal with myself in all that I exist as in each moment. Those hard experiences that we inevitably face in this hard world we've created.

There are solutions and there is a way forward and an ability to create something new and something that supports each of us, individually and collectively as a whole. Visit lite.desteniiprocess.com to start your journey of self-transformation. We are entering into a new decade... times to do something different to get different results!

As always, I'm here to support. Contact me with any questions if you have them or if you've been through this and need extra support. You are not alone.



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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 17 May 2020, 05:33

668: The Real Deal

Written on January 1, 2020

One of my goals this year is also a good explanation at why there are inconsistencies with my sharing via blogs, vlogs, and in general social media posting.

When things are 'well' - when I feel relatively stable and clear-minded or happy even, it's easy to share and it's easy to rant and rave about the benefits of self-will and self-directiveness.

When I am having major reactions, or I'm more emotional and can't seem to find my footing - I go silent. In this case, my silence is loud in expressing that I'm having a challenging time.

So for the year to come my goal is to push through the challenging times and create more of a consistency in my sharings. I think one of the downfalls and cons of social media is that we often share the pretty picture, the nice sunset, the vacation shot that looks like another day in our day to day living and so everyone starts to think these picture-perfect moments are the majority of our life. When in reality, we all sit on the toilet every day. lol - that's funny and oh so grounding... the reality of our equality is we all take a shit :)

BUT (lol, couldn't help myself) we all don't live picture-perfect lives every single day. Most of us probably live quite a mundane and ordinary life. THAT'S REALITY. But we only want to share the glamorous, the triumphant, the beautiful and not the raw and real fucking challenge living in THIS world is.

It is a struggle and a daily grind trying to create stability in this world, especially for those born without that silver spoon in our mouths. No blame here for the wealthy or educated, just the reality that not all are given the same starting point/opportunity in life and some have to work really hard, against all odds, to have a dignified life.

What I'm trying to say is that we all struggle and are challenged and don't always experience our emotional and mental best. During these times, I tend to go quiet as a form of suppressing myself. Sometimes it's to process what I'm going through but a lot of times it's to silence my experience so I don't have to face it as directly as I do when I'm sharing more consistently.

So my goal and my challenge, if I choose to accept it, is to practice and remain more consistent in my sharings... through the good times and the bad, in sickness and health, until death do us part. This is a commitment I am making to myself and to you as a point of saying "we are the same and we all face the same instabilities at times" and by god(man) it's time we start sharing and seeing the reality of ourselves and others.

My consideration and hope are also that in pushing to share more consistently, I will create more stability... I will more effectively and efficiently walk through those challenging experiences because I have already seen for myself how much I am supported in sharing blogs and vlogs, where I'm directing myself to share my self-honesty and my process of transformation, so surely it will support in the difficult times as well. I also resist sharing those parts of myself which shows another opportunity to expand myself.

And consistency is continual growth and movement and that's what I'm interested in.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to share myself, unconditionally, through the good times and the bads where if I am experiencing myself as more emotional or challenged by my own reactions I tend to quiet myself as a way of suppressing myself and in that, prolonging my process of change

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the opportunity I have in sharing myself more consistently, through the stable and not so stable times as a point of pushing myself to walk through my experiences a direct myself back to my self-honesty and self-forgiveness to create self-stability and clarity

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize what I create when I share myself only when I'm feeling stable and clear and happy which is an image of a life that is not the WHOLE picture but instead a fragment part of me that is only possible by when I walk through the more challenging times

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself when facing more challenging experiences instead of pushing to remain consistent in my sharing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I am the only one that faces challenging times and so want to remain quiet as to not show people the more challenging times instead of realizing we are all going through challenging times as this world system is a challenging time and so rather than hiding in isolation, I commit myself to share in support and solidarity

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of self-judgments that keep me quiet and rather embrace my challenging times and share it with others so that they may find support as well and to within that, remove the power the reactions I may be having

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how grounding sharing can be

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accurately show the real picture of me going through real experiences and hard times and moments of emotional and mental weakness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it's better to be silent then the speak up

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that we need to see the reality of this world and that starts with individuals sharing the reality of who they are

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face the reality of who I am and face those darker parts of myself

When and as I see myself wanting to hide and be quiet when I'm not feeling emotionally or mentally my best, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand this is me suppressing me and in continuing to allow this, I'm presenting a fake face, and a false image of who I am instead of the WHOLE picture which is I have tough times sometimes and I don't always apply myself the best I can and I sometimes feel weak and insecure and so I commit myself to be vulnerable and share me as a WHOLE and not the image I think will look the best

I commit myself to show myself and others the REAL me which is the WHOLE story - the good and the bad, the sickness and the health, the process I am walking day in and day out with the goal of self-realization, self-awareness, self-forgiveness and aligning myself with LIFE in equality and oneness

I commit myself to push to remain consistent in my sharing to show the real picture

*Update: Since I wrote this, I have been sharing some of my journey on my youtube channel HERE. It started with 30 days of vlogging and my goal is to have it continue, as with these blogs, in a more consistent, trustworthy way.

I am still here and I have been here and I will always be here.

Thank you for being here too.



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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 17 May 2020, 17:59

669: Fear Programmed into Women

Today while I was at work – alone on a Sunday due to the Covid19 “situation” as we are calling it – I kept having moments of fear and panic come up as I was ‘alone’ in this office. Despite it being early in the morning to the afternoon, I kept having this fear/image of someone being in the office that “didn’t belong” – that “wasn’t supposed to be there”. I feared someone would be lurking/waiting for me and “strike” when I least expected it. I also thought maybe a co-worker would come in and try to scare me. Every sound stood out and I froze, wondering, “is that a normal sound or is that a sound of something being wrong?”



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Gabriel » 17 May 2020, 21:56

Great blog.



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 22 May 2020, 19:29

Day 670: Distractions, Pregnancy, and how to Communicate with the Body

Written Monday, April 6, 2020
Today the living word I was intent on living was Integrity. Part of this was in relation to who I am as now working from home – realizing there is the potential to become more distracted and less focused and for me, the point was to remain and live integrity as a principle of who I am and doing onto my employer as I would have done unto me if I were them and that is to have my employee remain focused within the time I’m paying them.

I was mostly satisfied throughout the day until the end of the day where I got a bit more distracted. However, there was quite the improvement and I saw how in setting the intention to LIVE integrity in relation to my work, it supported in moments when I was distracted or wanted to be distracted. So I’m hopeful it will continue to support as I will continue to work with the word integrity.

I am a bit distracted now because I want to know if I’m pregnant. I am still just under 2 weeks away from getting my period so I won't know for a bit and I’m feeling quite impatient. I just want to know now! And I’m looking up different videos about fertilization and implantation and the process and how the cycle works and when you can know and what to look out for… I just want to consume myself in it until I know. Even though I think I know. I had a moment of doubt today because I learned that just because an egg gets fertilized doesn’t mean it will implant in the uterus. So it’s interesting because on one hand I’m learning so much about the cycle and how the whole process of becoming pregnant is like, on the other hand, the information is making me doubt or giving me hope. I’m relying too much on external information to tell me how to feel about this. Despite knowing how I feel obviously – I want to be pregnant, I am not letting go and trusting the process and being patient with the process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to watch videos about fertilization and implantation and being pregnant as a way to consume myself with the idea of being pregnant in the hopes that I am pregnant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set my hopes up so high for being pregnant and to believe I am based on knowledge and information from outside of myself without realizing I may not be and then what?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look to sources of information outside of myself as the guide to tell me who I am and how I should feel about who I am and where I am in my life – instead of realizing all the knowledge and information exists inside of me as my flesh that is the substance of life that is equal to and one with all substance of life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as the substance of life that I look outside of myself for information and knowledge to tell me what to experience and to tell me who I am and who I’m going to be instead of deciding that for myself HERE as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient in not wanting to wait to find out if I’m pregnant but to rather gather all the information I can about what to look out for to determine of I’m pregnant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from the moments in my day in thinking and distracting myself with being pregnant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question and think about every little cramp for the feeling I have in my abdomen

I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to create a communication with my body as my source of information

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that only through quieting the mind, silencing myself in the present moment, will I be able to hear my body – I have to listen (silent) to be able to HEAR (here)

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to HERE myself as my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust sources outside of my body to tell me what’s going on with my body instead of developing that communication with my body

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give me and my body the opportunity to get to know each other and thus develop communication

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend more time communicating with myself and my fears and worries and concerns and thoughts in my mind than with my physical breathing, the body that is actually alive and here always with and as for me in supporting me to LIVE and be here

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to honor me as my body in hearing it out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I cannot develop a relationship with my body instead of realizing that just because I haven't’ doesn’t mean I can't

When and as I see myself looking for videos and knowledge and information outside of myself as a source to tell me if I’m pregnant and what’s going on inside my body, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that in this I am distraction I am keeping myself from HEARING (here-ing) the actual source in which can tell me about my body which is my body itself and so I commit myself to silence the mind as the seeking for external sources of information to tell me “what to expect” and “what’s next” and to rather become quiet and still to hear what my body has to say

I commit myself to develop a communicating with my body

I commit myself to realize I can communicate with my body

I commit myself to see, realize, and understand the universe that is my physical body

I commit myself to explore and get to know the universe that is my physical body

I commit myself to trust the universe that is my physical body

When and as I see myself wanting to know more about pregnancy systems and the cycles of creation, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I am not being patient and am wanting this process to move faster than it practically phsysically does and so I commit myself to slow down in those moments and bring me to the breath as the stepping into the body and so the present moment and out of the future as a projection of where I want to be or what I want to create

I commit myself to slow down in time

I commit myself to breathe with/as my body

I commit myself to realize breathing is hearing/listening to my body

I commit myself to stop wasting my life by looking to the future

I commit myself to take advantage of what is HERE as this moment

I commit myself to cherish each present moment



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 24 May 2020, 04:20

671: Integrity and the Finer Details

Today I reacted to a co-worker because I sent some document drafts and my co-worker responded with her ‘review’ and it was questioning why things were in there, and basically giving me the corrections needed. I reacted in that moment because I thought how she gets off on that – and I imagined she would talk shit about me later.

I could also see how it was my lack of due diligence that caused so many corrections needed and I could see how my co-worker lives the word integrity. With her work – she does the nitty-gritty work and ensures her work is sound. I don’t and I can see where I would then react to her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to A in thinking and believing she wants me to make mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to A in thinking she is a goodie two shoes and does everything for praise

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame Afor my mistakes instead of taking responsibility for my mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe A deliberately wants to make me look bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tthink and believe A can make me look bad instead of taking responsibility for my own work and who I am in the work I do reflects “how I look”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see A’s strength and integrity when it comes to work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to diminish Afor who she is instead of realizing she is a great example of living integrity within the context of her work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame A for her shortcomings and not be willing to see her strengths

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather focus on A’s faults instead of considering correcting my own behavior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to put in the time and effort as the nitty-gritty within the work I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with the work that I do and just “want to move through it as fast as I can” instead of realizing how I am separating myself from real-time in attempting to go faster than practical reality as the jobs I have to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet fully embrace and welcome those tasks I resist as the support to ground myself in my body/physical/beingness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to move faster than practical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be patient within the work that I do because I feel rushed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to rush through the work that I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush through the work that I do because I think and believe if I do things quicker I can get done faster instead of realizing it’s the same hours in the day I have to work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the finer details

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see A as the gift she is in showing how to pay attention to the finer details

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being “called out” for doing less than average work in fear of losing my job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to do subpar work but to be seen as great

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to praise without putting in the effort

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the recognition without doing the work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise for the surface instead of having the foundation of integrity

When and as I see myself reacting to A, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that A is a gift and a key to my self-reflection and that there is a lot about her I can learn from in my own process of self-transformation. I commit myself to thus not get caught up in the reactions I have towards Abut to rather see the slurry of gifts she offers as the reactions I have toward her and I further commit to working with the reactions I have towards A in a practical, constructive way, like I am doing here

When and as I see myself becoming impatient with work and wanting to rush through the work and not slow down to see the finer details, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand this is one of the things I require to strengthen as it is not my strong suit and so I commit myself to slow down when I come across those activities that I resist as “just wanting to get through it” and to rather see the gift as the moment of practice to walk myself through the work and practicing paying attention to the finer details

I commit myself to see others as gifts of self-reflection

I commit myself to realize and understand that those I have the harshest reactions towards are the ones holding the most precious gifts for me

I commit myself to practicing paying attention to the details of life



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 30 May 2020, 23:05

Day 672: Justifying a Lesser Version of Me

I had another moment this week where a co-worker corrected my work – again I wasn’t slowing down and ensuring my work was complete. I started to react but I could see where I created it – it wasn’t my co-worker trying to do anything, it was me missing the work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when a co-worker corrected my work in front of my boss in fear my boss would be upset and think I’m not a good worker

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine a co-worker talking badly about me to others about the work that I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame a co-worker for doing something I imagined her doing, not something she actually did as far as I know

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to, in realizing the problem and the solution to me reacting to a co-worker, still not apply the correction/solution and instead continue to move too fast and not pay attention to the finer details of my work

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to, instead of reacting to a co-worker seeing the mistakes I made in my work, to rather be more thorough in not creating the mistakes

When and as I see myself rushing through my work and not slowing down, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is what creates mistakes and others catching those mistakes and then me reacting to others noticing my mistakes and so I commit myself to slow down and take responsibility for my work and apply/direct myself within my work to my utmost potential – actually giving it my very best

I notice with things I’m “not interested in” I don’t want to give it my best – I want to do the bare minimum. I guess it’s not just things I’m not interested in, it’s also things I resist. There are aspects of my job and school that I still resist that I think I’m not interested in but it’s actually a resistance – like there is something I am resisting and so I just shut down and feel weakened like ‘I can’t do the work”. I think I don’t want to do it but really I’m facing a resistance.

I had a lot of resistance to my school work this semester and while I’m ending it somewhat stronger than I was throughout the course, I know I can do better. I am not satisfied.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give my all in what I do, no matter what it is as a point of living my utmost potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give my best in things I don’t want to do or am not interested in doing or am resisting instead of realizing it doesn’t matter WHAT I do, it’s about who I am

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that it’s not about what I do it’s about who I am and when I’m not giving my all in things I don’t want to do, I am accepting a lesser version of myself and essentially defining myself according to that thing I don’t want to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as lesser than the things I don’t want to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as more than the things I don’t want to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by my experiences rather than my will

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply myself to the best of my ability in all tasks that I do

When and as I see myself resisting things or not wanting to do things and to within that, not give it my all I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand this is accepting a lesser version fo myself and defining myself according to my experience rather than what is best for me as living my utmost potential and so I commit myself to not be influenced or swayed by my experience to things and rather make decisions that express my self-will, discipline, and directive principle to create the best version of me



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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 06 Jul 2020, 06:03

673: Repeating the Perfection to Failure Pattern

I finished my 2nd semester of the paralegal program. It was another semester of struggle – lots of resistance to the materials and the time it takes to actually study and do the work. I know I didn’t do my best and it exposed this pattern of mine to give up at the end. I attempt to ‘do it all’ - all being that which I resist all semester, saved to the last minute. And when I face the reality that it’s not practically possible, I give up.
So – this is a pattern. Going into the semester confident and prepared to be perfect and slowly but surely losing the momentum and steam and end up sinking and feel as though I failed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the importance of prioritizing my studies


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing my school work during the week and want to and end up putting it off to the end of the week/towards the time things are due

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on me within my experience of resisting my school work where I will allow it and allow it until it gets to the last moment and then completely give up because everything I resisted accumulated into “too much” and I don’t even bother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the pattern of attempting perfection and then end up failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to be perfect in my school work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine me as a perfect student but not follow through in physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be the perfect student as an image and self-definition I can use to enhance me without actually putting in the work in space and time to apply myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I “do better under pressure” as a justification to resist and put off doing the work until the last minute

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my instructor and the course for being the way it is as the reason I struggle within it instead of taking self-responsibility for who I am and my experience within the course and within the week and within my decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put expectations on me during the beginning of a new semester and when not following through, create an experience of disappointment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create me as a disappointment through having unrealistic expectations on what I am capable of doing

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept and work with my limitations

When and as I see myself wanting to be perfect within my school work, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this desire to be perfect is fueled by an idea that I must prove to myself I am of worth and value and so I attempt to create it through being a perfect student but I always end up creating disappointment and so I commit myself to rather be self-honest about my experience and what I’m capable of and work within my limitations

When and as I see myself resisting doing my school work during a semester, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that allowing resistance will only re-create the same pattern which creates me giving up and I decide to not live that anymore and so I commit myself to prioritize my school work as that which I must walk through first so that I prevent recreating the pattern of being disappointed

I commit myself to be more directive and disciplined with myself when it comes to school work

I commit myself to make schoolwork my top priority

I commit myself to not feel I have to be perfect within the school work and rather take it one day at a time, one lesson at a time

I commit myself to ask for help if I’m ever feeling unsure or unclear in the information




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