Kristina's Journey to Life

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 02 Feb 2019, 20:52

618: Death, Donald Trump, and Our Valuable Time (23 of 30)

I listened to an Eqafe Recording, Death Research - Time is the Present we Gift Ourselves, and in this 3-part recording, one of the first points mentioned really struck home to me. It was a point of this woman, who had died from Cancer, seeing how she spent what amounted to about 3 years of her life thinking and worrying about other people and what other people think. I could definitely relate to seeing how often my mind gives attention to other people - whether it's good or bad - it seems it's often thoughts about others, way more than about myself.

And that was the point she wanted to share and for us to understand - how much time we miss getting to know ourselves, understanding ourselves, because we are too pre-occupied with others. This also brought up the point of how much time and attention I see people giving to those they don't like, like politicians, celebrities, and public figures. I mean Donald Trump is such a prime example.

As much as people seem to despise him, man they sure do spend a lot of time talking about him. And from my perspective, it doesn't matter if what you are saying is in support or opposition to him - you are still giving him A LOT of your time and attention.

So I think it's important that we start questioning this nature of ours... why we spend so much time thinking about other people and what they are doing or not doing? Especially those we disagree with or plain and simple dislike? How much time do you think you will have spent thinking, speaking and acting out towards others in your life? 3 years? More?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend any amount of time thinking and worrying about other people - what they are doing or not doing - as if that is a valuable way to spend my time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe thinking and talking about how much I dislike someone gives any sort of solution to what I think is a problem instead of bringing it back to myself and using the dis-like or worry in a more constructive way like asking myself, 'what about this person that I dislike the most do I do myself, or have I done in my life?'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend precious moments of my ONE life I have on thinking and worry about other people - what they are doing, where they are going, what they aren't doing, who they are... not at all realizing the missing POINT here of this one life and that is to get to know and understand ME

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe there is any value to me thinking and talking about other people that I don't know or that I disagree with instead of realizing, good or bad, I'm giving them a lot of my time and attention and that is MY LIFE I'm giving to them

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how much life I'm wasting in thinking and worrying and talking about others - especially those in the public arena that I disagree with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer to dwell in a problem by talking smack about others I disagree with and don't like, like Donald Trump, because in that dwelling on 'him as the problem', I don't have to take responsibility for the nature I see in him that I've lived myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer to blame than to take responsibility for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste one moment of my life thinking and worrying about other people - especially those I dislike - instead of realizing I have MUCH more valuable things to do, and I should start with sorting out myself first

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I must worry about other people and what they are doing as if I can somehow prevent them influencing my own life instead of realizing I am the main influencer and if I'm wasting my time worrying about others I'm not a good influence on myself nor others

When and as I see myself thinking, worrying, and talking about others - especially those I disagree with or dislike, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that those are valuable moments of my life and time I'm giving up to someone I apparently don't like and so instead I commit myself to stop myself in that moment and bring it back to myself and question myself, and look at myself, and ask myself who I am in this moment, who do I want to be in this moment, how have I lived similar to what I dislike about this person, and what can I do differently?

When and as I see myself thinking and believing talking smack about others in the public arena is a valuable way to spend my time, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand thatIi am delusional and that regardless of how I feel about others, my attention and energy given to them is me giving up my life, and moments of my life that could be better spent towards solutions and so I commit myself to change the way I look at people as making it constructive and empowering by asking 'how can I live differently and how can I be an example for others to live differently' and 'how can we create something different?'

I commit myself to stop wasting my life thinking and worrying about others

I commit myself to make me my focus in this life and giving myself the opportunity to get to know, understand and change me so that who I am is not one who wasted their time in life but rather took advantage of every moment by being a living example of what is possible in time and in life

I commit myself to support others to see how more valuable our time can be spent by bringing it back to self



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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 04 Feb 2019, 06:27

619: Running From Work (24 of 30)

A point here of when it's time to get off work this rush-ness kicks in where I start physically moving faster to get home as quickly as possible. It's the only logical speed to get away from something you are not comfortable in... and to get back to your comfort zone as fast as possible. Though, the more logical thing would be to ask myself why? Why am I uncomfortable at work? What is really going on within me, and my relationship to co-workers, my actual position and the overall time spent there each day? THAT is where discomfort becomes a gift in seeing WHAT I am uncomfortable with and why because THEN I can change it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush out of work the moment I am able to leave - rushing to the car, rushing on the drive home... rushing to get 'back' to my comfort zone as quickly as possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to, as soon as the clock turns 5, to pack up and head out of work as quickly as possible as not wanting to spend any more time there than I 'must'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically walk faster when getting out of work as a point of getting home as quickly as I can because at home I am 'free' and my time is my time and I can do with what I want and I want to be home rather than at work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity within myself in relation to home and work where home is where I want to be, where I'm free, and work is where I'm forced to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet change the relationship within myself towards work and home as both currently exist as a problem - the preference/want/desire to be home fuels the not wanting to be at work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot enjoy myself at work, or that I am not 'free' at work wherein self-honesty I see that the idea that it's not my time or how I would want to spend my time is an excuse to exist within limitation because within work - I am still with me and who I am in relation to those I work with, the work that I do, who I am in every single moment and thus is another opportunity, perhaps even more so, to self-investigate myself, get to know myself in relation to these things, in relation to these people whereas when I'm at home, I am where I am most comfortable with my partner and our little family

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be uncomfortable and when I have the opportunity, rush quickly away from where I am uncomfortable as resisting getting to know myself and understanding who I am in relation to different people, different information, and different situations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within a comfortability at home where yes, it's fine to be comfortable at home, but why can I not be equally comfortable at work?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist challenging myself within spaces I am not as comfortable and when I am able to leave, quickly do so, instead of slowing myself down to really see who I am in the moment

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace the want to leave as standing within that, staying a little longer, slowing myself down, not rushing to get out of there as pushing myself beyond a limitation and seeing, as I already know, I can change me within this experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe my work environment is where I don't want to be instead of realizing it's me within the work environment I don't want to be... so why? What am I not liking about me/my experience in the work environment?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow down in moments to really question and investigate what's going on within me as my thoughts, feelings, and emotions while at work, and as what is driving this rushed experience to get out of work when I'm able to

When and as I see myself rushing to get out of work, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this rush-ness to leave work is indicating a point within me I am resisting and trying to get away from without realizing it's only me... whether home, at work, or anywhere else, it's always only me... so who am I within my work environment? I commit myself to thus slow myself while at work, to take extra time to look at my thoughts, feelings, and emotions while at work to get to know who I am within/as work so that I may correct and change what it is that I'm resisting and not wanting to participate within at work

When and as I see myself physically walking fast to get to my car, or physically driving faster to get home, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand this is fueling the experience of not wanting to be at work and the experiencing of rather being at home and so I commit myself to physically slow myself down as to no longer participate/support this point within me and to actually embracing that which I'm trying to get away from

I commit myself to investigate who I am at work more

I commit myself to stop thinking if I rush home, my experience will be better

I commit myself to stop needing to get too comfortable and to instead realizing and practice being comfortable wherever I am and so I commit myself to place myself more in the discomfort of being out of my comfort zone



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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 05 Feb 2019, 05:14

620: What LIES Behind the Conscious Mind (25 of 30)

The first time in this 30-day journey that I had the thought come up "I don't know what to write about." This is a familiar saying I've faced throughout the years I've been blogging, but the first time in a long time. Though I'm not surprised, because it's the first time in a long time I've been consistent with it, or rather directing myself to create consistency with it.

So I had the thought and immediately realized what's behind the thought, which was a first. A deeper layer of understanding of what I'm actually saying to myself. What I'm actually saying is I am not wanting to investigate anything within myself... I am not wanting to introspect and question moments of my day and who I was or the relationship I have to certain things. So "I don't know what to write about" is the smoke screen, the truth is I don't want to question myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the things I tell myself within my mind, such as "I have nothing to write about" is just a smoke screen for a deeper truth of me which is I don't want to investigate, introspect, or question who I am within myself and within this world and with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself I don't have anything to write about so that I don't have to investigate, introspect or question myself and to conveniently have such an excuse to not push through a limit/resistance/belief about myself and what I'm actually capable of

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it is acceptable to live with the statement that I don't have anything to write about = I don't want to investigate/introspect/question myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself with the statement "I don't have anything to write about" instead of looking at what it is I am actually resisting and not wanting to face within myself as who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within only my conscious mind where I'm not aware of anything deeper than that such as what lies behind the lies I tell myself, such as not having anything to write about, knowing there is multi-layers to the mind, to the construct of self, that has been built upon years of thought, words and deeds

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I am self-honest within my conscious mind and trust the thoughts I have

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop in an instant the thought that suggests I have nothing to write about comes up when I realize there are layers upon layers to deconstruct

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the moments as my thoughts, words, and deed when I start to accumulate this resistance to writing/self-introspecting/investigating/questioning myself as I see, realize, and understand it did not happen in just a moment, it has been slowly building through my acceptances and allowance

When and as I see myself telling myself thinking I have nothing to write about, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand this is not the reality of what I'm actually saying to myself, this is me not being direct with myself because I see, realize, and understand that the truth is I don't want to investigate/introspect or question myself... I want to keep things on the surface where I don't have to dive deeper and face the hidden stuff and so I commit myself to continue to push through this resistance to daily maintenance as daily writing/self-forgiveness/self-corrective statements and to not accept the lies I tell myself and to rather see what lies beneath as the deeper levels of myself and my mind

When and as I see myself resisting and hiding from self-investigation/introspection/questioning, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that resistances are where I want to be as it is a self-imposed limitation I am able to break through if I were to only allow it and so I commit myself to embrace the resistances and move myself to act despite it - to do in fact that which I resist, such as taking some extra time to ensure I am digging deeper within my writings, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective statements

I commit myself to not deceive myself in thinking there is nothing to write about and instead be self-honest about what I'm actually saying and to direct myself to live that self-honesty in correcting it

I commit myself to care enough about myself to investigate myself, introspect and question myself

I commit myself to see the deeper layers of me

I commit myself to not give up on digging deeper to understand who and how I've created myself to be



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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 06 Feb 2019, 06:37

621: How Do You Deal with Homelessness? (26 of 30)

I recently shared a post about how homelessness is dealt with in a city by the city putting spikes where they most often congregate. I was reminded of how I would see that in my city growing up and how I knew it wasn't dealing with the bigger issue of why there is homelessness in the first place. I shared the post as a #backtoself sharing - where I was sharing how I can see the spikes as a solution to homelessness reveals how we don't really deal with the core problems in our own life - and asked the questions "where am I doing this too?"

But the real point that is actually bringing it back to self is saying that a city that leaves spikes to push away homelessness is the same as when I am walking down a street and see a homeless person and want to look the other way, don't want to make eye contact, don't want to interact with them whatsoever.

I become extremely uncomfortable, I want to avoid them altogether. Ignoring they are there, pretending it's not real, not at all taking a moment to put myself in their shoes. It's just a turn the other cheek approach.

So how am I any better than a city that puts spikes out to deal with its homelessness?

I'm not and so how can I expect a city or government to be willing to address the issue head-on instead of pushing it out of sight if I'm not even able to in my own day to day life. We have to expect from our people in governement what we expect of ourselves... we must hold ourselves to the same standard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn the other cheek to homelessness as when I see someone who is homeless in the streets, I avoid eye contact, I put my head down, I don't dare to engage with them whatsoever and so within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not even address the problem of homelessness and instead want to get away as quickly as possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when facing the reality of homelessness and want to hide from that discomfort by pretending I don't see it, and moving quickly away from it so that I go can back into my reality-bubble where it doesn't exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I must first face and accept there is a problem before I can even change it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not address and face the fact that homelessness is real for people, it is part of this ONE reality and any one of us could be in the shoes of a homeless person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to deal with homelessness but not be willing to deal with who I am in relation to homelessness within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am morally superior to a city or government that puts spikes out to deal with homelessness instead of looking at who I am in relation to homelessness and question the nature of that 'who I am' in relation to homelessnes and see if it is the same nature of that of my government

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect my government to act differently towards homelessness but not expect the same from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hold myself to the same standard of care and taking responsibility that I expect my government to in relation to homelessness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to expect others to change before I will change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become physically tense and nervous when seeing homelessness on the streets of my city and to within this, feel a resistance to even facing it

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face someone who is homeless, and give them the dignity of eye contact and not turn away from them as they are a person, a human being living in a dire situation in this survival system and to treat them how I would want to be treated - with equal respect, consideration, and acknowledgment and to within this, acknowledge a manifested consequence of our collective whole where we let some people live without a home as if that is in any way an acceptable way for life to exist on Earth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless in relation to homelessness and feel there is nothing I can do when I see someone living on the streets instead of realizing it is a manifested consequence and to a degree there is nothing I can do for what's already been created but when I can do is work on changing myself and who I am in relation to homelessness and encourage others to consider the same thing until enough people in the right positions start to consider changing themselves as well

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize cities and governments are a body of individual people and each have a responsibility within who they are and so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the power to changing myself as becoming a living example of what is possible within changing human nature to then support others to do the same, and for them to support others to do the same until we have expanded this process of change to everyone taking responsibility for themselves and implementing REAL solutions as we realize ignorning the problem only perpetuates the problem

When and as I see myself ignoring the reality of homelessness, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that my ignoring it doesn't get rid of it and I will have to address it in order to change it and so I commit myself to breathe when I see someone living on the streets and face the consequence, WE as a society, have created and use that as a reason to change me within society to no longer accept and allow ignorance to create bliss but to face the reality that is here for all

When and as I see myself judging and blaming cities and governments for how they deal with homelessness, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that their nature in dealing with homelessness has been my nature in dealing with homelessness and so I am EQUAL to who they are in what is being accepted and allowed and so I commit myself to take responsibility within my part of the whole that perpetuates an avoiding, resisting, neglecting and ignoring of those in our society that need the most support

When and as I see myself wanting to turn away, and get away from homelessness on the streets of the city, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I am being inhumane in such an acceptance and allowance as those are PEOPLE - real Human Beings being thrown out and let to suffer the consequences of this survival system and so I commit myself to acknowledge, face, embrace and care about those that are living on the streets without a home... to realize it could be me, and to be willing to face those that are without home and treat them as I would want to be treated... acknowledged, recognized as being equal in value and doing whatever I can to support this world to realize the atrocity of one person living without a home

I commit myself to not stop showing my process of change in showing how human nature can change and we don't have to accept and allow what we see out there and we can start changing it by changing ourselves



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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 07 Feb 2019, 06:09

622: Programmed to Only Process Pictures (27 of 30)

I have throughout my life been an avid reader and one who resists reading - kind of swinging back and forth from one polarity to the other. Lately, I've been more resistant and in my attempts to get some reading in, it's like I just can't "pay attention" or stay engaged. I quickly disengage and go on to something 'easier' to process... to me, this is a consequence of this world and a consequence of my own acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to read more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to skim through articles and blogs and not take the time to slow down and read each word as a point of actual support for myself in slowing down and learning about something/someone else and in a way getting out of my own head/bubble

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have the patience to read articles and blogs and to just instead skim through and not realize the self-compromise and self-sabotage this is as I am a) programming/conditioning myself to not have the attention span to read and b) not educating myself by reading new words and concepts and ideas that do actually expand my mind and perspective in a practical way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the time it takes to actually read articles and blogs and instead to just glance or skim and to instead be more inclined to pictures which implies I am a product of this world that has dumbed itself down to the point where pictures are the only thing we can process instead of actual information as words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a product of this world where I forgo reading for insta-pictures

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in AND of this world where I accept this experience of not wanting to read articles and blogs and to instead rather watch videos and see images instead of realizing how compromising this is to my self - where I am not creating a relationship with words, concepts and ideas and instead re-wiring my brain to only be able to process pictures and images and thus slowing down my capacity to critically think and consider

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed for my lack of reading where I have a resistance to do it, and even though I will do some reading for a while - it's more in a starting point of self-judgment wherein eventually I fall back into a resistance because I never really understand the reason I resist reading, and how I have to practice develop the habit through consistent application that is not created in a polarity but rather as a common-sensical approach to how I can support myself to grow and expand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I'm too old to learn anything new in terms of how I am able to process information and think and believe my opportunity is gone and my intellect is what it is and there's no changing it instead of realizing I have the potential to change anything of myself with a little self-will, direction, and action - consistently

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and see the consequences of not reading has on an individual

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the opportunity to change who I am as a product of this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hinder my ability to process and critically think about information because I refuse to create a habit within me of reading

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as dumb because I don't read a lot

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wallow in self-pity and victimization wherein I define myself as a product of this world where reading is not a priority instead of seeing, realizing and understand there is a point here to empower myself to stand up and change wherein I can make the decision to apply myself consistently to practice and create the habit of reading wherein I am supporting myself with integrating words and information that will support me to more critically thinking about our world, the problems, and so the solutions

When and as I see myself resisting reading articles or blogs, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand this resistance is implying I am going against my program/conditioning as a product of this world where pictures and videos are the preferred source of consuming knowledge and so while the resistance is uncomfortable it is also a great opportunity and key to transforming myself and so I commit myself to create a habit of reading more where I can practice daily getting some reading in - whatever or however long it takes - even just 10 minutes daily accumulates and adds to a new habit and so I commit myself to create this new habit within me of willing to read

When and as I see myself defining myself as dumb because I don't read, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this self-judgment does not serve me and only keeps me within a disempowered position of saying 'what's the point' in changing my habit of not reading to reading and so I commit myself to rather live self-empowerment by realizing I can change me and I know what it will take to create the physical change and so I commit myself to also create the physical change by daily reading

I commit myself to act in the interest of myself and my ability to process and critically think about words and information by daily reading

I commit myself to stop using the excuse and justification that I don't like to read or reading is boring or I don't have enough of an attention span to read and instead realize that is the state of the condition of my mind where through my physical choices and actions to NOT read and instead consume images and videos, I have changed the way my brain processes information and so I commit myself to re-wire and re-write the way my brain processes information by reading at least 10 minutes a day



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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 08 Feb 2019, 06:05

623: There is Nothing Wrong with Me (28 of 30)

Expanding on the previous blog regarding the rush-ness I see myself go into when it's time to leave work... in asking myself, "what am I running from," the point that came up was the social interactions within my working environment. How I actually rush through interactions with others, where I do not give the little bit of extra time with someone else...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush through interactions with others because I don't really want to interact with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to interact with others because I fear to interact with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to interact with others because I fear what other people think of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to interact with others because I think they won't like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to interact with others because I think I will do or say something foolish where they will misinterpret me or judge me or place a definition on me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I still place too much value and worth on others opinions/perceptions/interpretations/observations of me instead of establishing that value and worth in MYSELF

Damn it's like when will I let myself care about what I think of myself and drop the grip I have placed within me of allowing others to be that authority?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not good enough and give the authority in others to see that within me and to believe that them thinking that about me is actually real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make real other people's perceptions of me because I have not done it for myself... I have not been the authority within myself to say "this is who I am" and have no shame or guilt or fear around that person that I decide I AM

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not write my own story and to not fear to share that story with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define interacting with others as hard work because it's hard work caring so much what other people think instead of deciding for myself who I am and letting that be that and MOVING ON with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invest so much time and attention and energy into what others think of me instead of me just letting me be myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to just be myself, and be okay with that self

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe there is something wrong with my-self and I have to worry about that wrongness being seen by others instead of realizing there is actually nothing wrong with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry the weight of the belief and definition that there is something wrong with me

There is nothing wrong with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is something wrong with me, that I am defective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as defective and in need for fixing... to believe that there has always been something wrong with me and I am imperfect and impure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as made broken, made defective and I can never be fixed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe there is something wrong with me instead of considering the generational lines/the sins of the fathers of those that came before me and what they lived and who they were and how they defined themselves and me and how that transferred into my flesh as my dna and I am here to stop the cycles, to put an end to the defectiveness of life that believes there is an inherent wrongness in all people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to let go of the idea that I'm defective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others seeing me as defective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize there is nothing wrong with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to BELIEVE there is something wrong with me, but to FEAR this wrongness about me and to PROJECT that fear of others seeing this wrongness within me instead of REALIZING there is nothing wrong with me. Period. End of story.

When and as I see myself not wanting to interact/be with others, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand this not wanting to be around others is a fear of others based on the idea of others seeing my defectiveness based within the definition that there's something wrong with me and so I commit myself to stop this defective program/conditioning/my mind and to realize THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME and that I am okay in who I am, what I have lived and I can continue walking this process of for-giving me back to me where I stop all the self-abuse as the belief that I am defective and instead take directive principle over who I am in each moment, with others, with no fear and ensure I no longer allow this belief of self of "I'm defective" to exist in me

I commit myself to stop this self-definition that I am defective

I commit myself to stop fearing others seeing me as defective

I commit myself to stop telling myself I am defective

I commit myself to be okay with myself and embracing me, all of me, the past present and future and stand HERE to direct who I am and who I will be

I commit myself to care about myself enough to let go of the weight of caring what others think

I commit myself to give myself the opportunity to change in stopping the definition that I am forever defective

I commit myself to stop the self-definition that I am broken.

I am whole as I am here.



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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 09 Feb 2019, 10:27

624: Clarifying in My Direciton (29 of 30)

A point here of how even when life presents the direction for me, I doubt and fear and hesitate instead of trusting myself and what is opening up in my life. Externally moving forward yet internally having 2nd thoughts...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the decision within myself about who I am going to be as the direction I take within my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be resistance and hesitant to the points opening up in my world where although I see them as obvious and practical and best for me, I also am impartial nonchalant and even a little doubtful about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as sitting on the fence within myself wherein I have not given myself the opportunity to clearly map out who I am in relation to the directions opening up in my reality and where I rather walk through the motion and move forward with the direction, but within me I am moving in another direction as a hesitation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed past experience to influence and tarnish the direction I make in my life today where I see past failures are leaving a mark in my not being clear about my direction in life - where although I have opportunities for more stability and growth, I am leaning away from it within myself because I have old fears and judgments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create conflict and friction by moving forward in a specific direction but to not be clear within myself about that direction I am moving in and thus create this misalignment where I am not walking the same direction within and without

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I can walk in life without being clear about my decisions and directions and instead 'just go with it' as a point of just going with what is here without understanding who I am in relation to what is here and establishing who I am going to be within what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be more pro-active within myself to ensure I am clear about the direction I am walking and if I'm not, figure out why and release that which is holding me back through self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I can do something but have internal conflict within it instead of realizing I am simplifying my experience and process by investigating what it is that is creating this internal resistance to what is physically, practically here... how can I get myself on board with what life is opening up to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push to get self-honest about my experience with what is opening up for me as the opportunities moving forward and instead of moving airy fairy through it and "see how it goes"

When and as I see myself creating internal conflict by moving in one direction, but not being clear on that direction, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I can establish clarity within my direction - I can investigate who I am in relation to the direction, and clear out the past that is influencing my direction through writing and self-forgiveness and so I commit myself to get off the fence and put my two feet on the ground and establish myself within where I'm standing and make a decision about the direction I am going - going for it completely and absolutely or not at all and completely letting it go - either way making up my mind instead of my mind making my choice up for me

I commit myself to map out who I am within the direction I see before be and figure out why I have resistance and hestitaion and to clear that up and find ways through common-sense writing what would be practically best for me and to allow that to be my support in deciding the direction I go

I commit myself to create the clarity within me and stop giving myself excuses of 'I don't know how I feel about this' yet go with it anyway instead of getting to know how I feel about it and move myself to ensure I am clear in all things

I commit myself to write myself out in who I am in the directions that open up in my life to ensure I am moving forward in those directions with self-honesty, self-responsibility, stability, and awareness



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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 11 Feb 2019, 05:25

625: Money Moves Me (30 of 30)

Another dimension to the topic of 'what do you live for/what gets you out of bed'. I wrote a blog about this a bit ago - specifically looking at time as a reason for waking up. Here I'd like to share another motivation that gets me out of bed, and this particular point is most obvious on the two days of the month when I get paid.

I am quite eager to wake up on those mornings when the money has been deposited into my account. And that motivation comes from being able to 'move the money' - where I actually enjoy putting the money in the accounts needed to pay the bills... working with the monthly budget - what needs to be paid and how much I have and calculating different costs and how much needs to go here and there... and I just really enjoy that. I always said if there was a job that was just moving money around taking care of the costs of things, I'd want it!

The reason though I want to bring this up here, on my last day of this 30-day journey of self-forgiveness, is because I see THIS as the reason I want to get up on these mornings... for the money. So it's not a self-willed movement or decision to get up and embrace my day, it is because there is money in my account and I want to play with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become motivated by money as when I get paid, I want to get up to move it around, pay the bills, feel 'responsible'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get more excited on the days I get paid because the sight of money in my account motivates me and makes me feel like NOW I can do some things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive energy charge to the days when I get paid because only THEN can I do what I want with the money I have

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to wake up equally eager each day of my life, without the need for money to motivate me, because I see the value in my life and the moments of a day, and the breath as each moment as an opportunity to create myself deliberately and specifically as not one impulsed by excitement but directive by principles

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still use energy to motivate me to move myself as waking up instead of letting me be the source of my will to wake up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to get up on the days I get paid because then I feel like my life has meaning as I have money to imply that I matter

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate money with positive and excited energy

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to wake up the same every day but instead fluctuate who I am according to what is going on in that particular day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need money to get me out of bed in the mornings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question a world that motivates people with money, with profit, where what would we do if we did not need money to survive?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I need the drive to survive to exist on earth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define money as the only reason to move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need something in return such as money in order to move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved by money

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be self-moved by my own self-will as not needing anything externally from me to get me out of bed in the mornings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define money as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value money more than life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my existence to be only worth living for money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value money as what matters more than life itself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave life to money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the creation and manifestation of money in this world and not question how I will move for money but not for life itself and to not realize the money system is self-created and can be changed by each agreeing to a new system of life that values LIFE and not money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize what LIFE is without money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within dollar signs in my eyes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need money to feel fulfilled and happy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed money to be my maker

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make money my god

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed money to be mightier than me

When and as I see myself a little more excited and eager to get up on the mornings I've been paid, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand how this positive energy reveals how I've enslaved myself to the need for money and that which I define as what is worth moving for and so I commit myself to stop wanting to get up more on the days I get paid and make every day the day that I am eager to wake up as it is an opportunity to be ALIVE

When and as I see myself being moved by money as wanting to do something just because I have money, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand the ingrained money system of this world exists within me and this world cannot change to a system of equality until I let go of the value and power I give to money over me, as my god, as my maker, as what moves and motivates me in life and so I commit myself to find and practice being the source of my self-movement as being the reason I get up each day.... not for the love and need of money but for the sake of LIFE and LIVING and UNDERSTANDING this reality to it's fullest

I commit myself to redefine what is most valuable in this world

I commit myself to stop valuing money more than life

I commit myself to stop needing money to be moved



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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 11 Feb 2019, 07:07

626: Nothingness as the Space Within

And that's it. 30 days done just like that. I surprised myself actually while also knowing I was capable. Grateful for that self-forgiveness walk... a lot of points opened up, a lot of suppressions released, a lot of practice in daily reflection.

So now what?

What is left? There are still points I have to face of course, but what I'm noticing more is a space, a quietness within me - my mind a little less active than before. And this brings up a cooooool point. I've experienced in the past couple months a reaction within me when there is nothing really motivating me to do something - when there is nothing stimulating myself to act or apply something specific, there's this reaction like a fear of having nothing in me... like I'm boring or empty or even dead lol.

But what I can see is actually a nothingness - which is precisely where I want to be. Moving from NOTHING is pure self-creation, self-movement, self-direction. Because from this nothingness I am the one deciding who I am, what I want to say, what I want to express, how I want to act, which action I want to take. It's all Me.

And this is a first. I have never experienced myself like this before but this is what I've been walking towards and here I see the beginning of a space being created within me where there are no fears or energies of positivity or expectations or a desire for something... there is actually nothing and from that, a self-will to move.

So here I am, the day after a 30-day journey and I am back to the daily blogs. What is here? There was nothing... just me. I knew I would be continuing my blogging journey because it's something that I see of value for myself but no particular point or topic to discuss, except this nothingness.

No-thing-ness. It is definitely uncharted territory as I have always been filled with information, ideas, projections, pictures, imaginations... always something that popped up first that would cause me to speak, act or do nothing. So it's like what do you do when there is nothing moving you?

There is not a whole lot to say on it at the moment, just an awareness of its emergence... it's like space. That is how I can describe it... space within me which makes sense as I've been busy emptying myself... letting go with the self-forgiveness, releasing the past, the associations, and definitions that define my experiences. And so rather than react to this nothingness as if there is something wrong with me, I choose to embrace this space within me... this inner dwelling I can find peace within, that I can actually trust and that I can call home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as boring when I am standing in nothingness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively to nothing moving within me instead of realizing this is where I want to be... this is who I want to be... nothing within me directing and influencing me... only me based on principles

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am dead inside when there is no movement within me instead of realizing I am actually waking up for the first time as I am not walking with the past or caught in the future... I am actually present in THIS reality as the physical body, the physical space, the real-time breathing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a dependency on emotions, feelings, and thoughts where I think and believe I NEED them to exist within me in order to speak or act instead of realizing all they were was knowledge and informaiton passed on through generations that acted as widsom but lacked any common sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe thinking, feelings and emotions is what makes me human instead of realizing the flesh and blood and bones and the physical design is what makes me human and what makes me humane is who I am within each moment and I would rather be empty of knowledge and information, like a child, open, emrbacing and excited about life and willing to LIVE in each moment without anxiety, worries or fear

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to be alive is to be empty - to exist within a nothingness wherein I have not attached, associated, defined or enslaved myself to anything - that I want nothing, and need nothing other than the physical, practical realities that keep me alive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allwoed myself to fear this nothingness within me in thinking and believe to be human and to be alive means to be full of emotions and feelings instead of realizing those emotions and feelings keep me trapped in an energy cycle of highs and lows, positives and negatives and I completly miss the actual reality of life and living

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the thinking man is actually dead and the breathing beast is what is alive

When and as I see myself fearing the nothingness within me, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand this nothingness is a first and is unknown and that is why I fear it but I also see, realize, and understand this nothingenss is what I've been walking towards since I took on the process of changing my nature... to stop the mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions as energy - removing all this knowledge and information stored within me through self-forgiveness and to exist completely and abolustely HERE, self-aware and alive for the first time

When and as I see myself reacting to not having anything within me to move from, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this implies I need something to move and motivate me... that I am not able to do that for myself and so I commit myself to show myself that I don't need thoughts, feelings, and emotions to move me but that I can exsit within the space within me that is nothing... that is darkness and silence and that is exactly where I want to be as it is HERE

I commit myself to trust this growing nothingness within and as me

I commit myself to embrace the opportunity nothingness is as being able to MOVE myself

I commit myself to practice moving myself in those moments of nothingness where I decide for me, from nothing, to speak and act and in that, strengthening that relationship with nothingness that is me



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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 12 Feb 2019, 04:30

627: Life Trusts Me When I Trust Me

Continuing with a point that's been opening up where certain potentials and responsibilities have opened up to me and while initially, I was hesitant and not really sure how I felt about the direction, I was still moving within and towards it. Another interesting point that I can see here is how although I have had hesitancy and doubt within me within these points, it's like Life is saying, 'Here - you are Ready, Trust yourself because I trust you."

And that is quite the consideration... I mean things don't move according to something unspecific or just randomly. I would not be offered the opportunities I have if I was not able to walk it and even though I may fear it, doesn't mean I'm not capable of creating the best from it. It's like even if I doubt myself it's a nice point of support to see Life doesn't doubt me and Life has given me doors to walk through.

Obviously it is what I make of it... who I am will absolutely determine how it will go but from my perspective, who I've been has created these opportunities and so THAT is something I can trust because who I've been, what I've lived and walked and applied and how I move myself has created where I am now and if this is the result, well hell, I can be proud of myself and actually see that I can trust myself because this is what I've created.

So kind of a cool point when I really look at it... often times we see things in others they don't see in themselves and the same goes for us, where others see things in us we don't see in ourselves. Well here I have Life seeing something in me and I can look in the mirror of Life and see myself... this is because of me.

And so I choose to trust myself as each moment, as each breath giving and sustaining my life, I will continue to push and apply and forgive and change because there's no going back. Yes it's hard, yes it's scary, yes it's challenging and difficult and uncomfortable and even unnatural feeling because when walking a process of changing your nature as seen in your thoughts, words, and deeds - you are going against the very condition of yourself to be a very specific way. We are programmed to be someone specific, and when you challenge that someone, there are defense mechanisms in place to keep you in your place. I was programmed to fail, to not push for better, to settle for less, to stay in my comfort zone, to not speak up or reach out, to not trust myself or to believe I deserve something better. And going against all these things is the hardest thing I have ever done in this life but it is the most rewarding and I have myself to thank. And of course lots of people throughout the world walking the very same process of releasing the old and creating something new.

We really don't have any excuses, we create ourselves as our own victims. there is no one to blame, no one to save us, no one to tell us what to do... the best thing I ever did was make the decision to take responsibility for myself because in that, I empowered myself to conceive of something better for ALL LIFE and it has developed a resolve within me to never give up and to keep trying and to know there is always a way and that way starts within myself. My will to change creates change because my will is the way.




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